/r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > /r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

Lonely Virgil: Oct 9, 2012

my meta said she will literally murder me if I spend Friday with my free agent, this is a corporate marriage and she wants to buy my shares, but really she has no problem with our relationship.

# ? Jan 29, 2017 00:50

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# ? May 14, 2024 17:13

WampaLord: Jan 14, 2010

loving

Sorting by controversial has found gold.

Are most polyamorists ugly?

quote:

Sincere question, and no offense intended, there's just no easy way to ask. I'm new to polyamory and have poked around the common recommended spots out of curiosity. OKCupid, for example, tends to turn up mostly people on the 1-5 end of the scale, not the 6-10. Am I doing this wrong?

I know, I know, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, we're all beautiful in our own ways. That's a wonderful concept, but physical attraction is undeniable in either direction, so I'm just trying to find some honest responses.
More than anything, I hope the answer to my question is a definitive "no". But if it is, am I looking in the wrong places?

EDIT: I've been on Reddit for years, so I've seen a lot of worthless threads. I just have to say, I am truly appreciative to all of you wonderful people who made this a genuine, thoughtful discussion. Other than the many down votes, I am grateful that you took my question in the positive spirit that was intended.

# ? Jan 29, 2017 00:51

Sydney Bottocks: Oct 15, 2004; Can't post for 14 days!

Do emotional libertarians subscribe to "admiralty law" when it comes to their open relationships?

"No, you see, I didn't sleep with Jane Doe, but with JANE DOE, who is a legally distinct individual and thus not subject to the rules and regulations of our marriage and open relationship." :smug:

DragQueenofAngmar posted:

Yeah I like that they needed a term for "horrible shithead who accepts no accountability"; like its that common in their world that a shorthand is welcome

# ? Jan 29, 2017 00:57

54 40 or fuck: Jan 4, 2012; No Yanda's allowed

WampaLord posted:

Good god, the poly subreddit is a hive of scum and villainy.

I don't know which group of people is more hilarious with their "oppressed" status, polyamory or asexual people

# ? Jan 29, 2017 00:57

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

Sydney Bottocks posted:

Do emotional libertarians subscribe to "admiralty law" when it comes to their open relationships?

"No, you see, I didn't sleep with Jane Doe, but with JANE DOE, who is a legally distinct individual and thus not subject to the rules and regulations of our marriage and open relationship."

See also: Freemate on the Land

it didn't count because her vagina had a gold fringe

# ? Jan 29, 2017 00:57

Tiny Deer: Jan 16, 2012

I just want to be clear that I found the first poly post mostly by accident, it was just that when I started looking around I realized there were rich veins in those sweaty, heaving hills.

How can I bring up to my partner that I'm feeling unsupported because of the way he's treating his wife in a certain situation vs. the way he's treating me--without coming off as jealous or needy?

quote:

Recently, my metamour and I (both in our early thirties) have started dieting to lose some of those winter pounds. Her motivation is because her and her husband (our mutual partner, we have all lived together for about two years) are going on a 10 day European vacation next month. She and I are similarly shaped and weighed the same at the start of two totally different diets (I'm LCHF and she's doing weight watchers) and to date we've lost a similar amount of weight.

As of right now, I'm stalled in my weight loss due to feminine issues, feeling really down about it and the fact that they leave for their exciting trip together in three weeks. My boyfriend/her husband has been EXTREMELY supportive and encouraging of her WL. Buying her little gifts just to say, "You're doing great." Cards, balloons, roses... and just last night he said that when she hits her goal he's going to do a sexy big photo shoot of her (he's a photographer). I, on the other hand, have received nothing of material value, although he has been supportive verbally. I thought I was okay with that (I don't need someone to show me love monetarily) but being in this situation where I'm constantly observing that she's being rewarded, and I have not, makes it feel very competitive, and makes me feel like I'm not being supported in the same way.

How can I bring up to my partner that I'm feeling unsupported because of the way he's treating his wife vs. the way he's treating me--without coming off as jealous or needy?

It's almost like he cares about his wife more than you or something.

The reason she's not going with them on that vacation, by the way? The wife is paying for it and the OP is broke.

# ? Jan 29, 2017 00:58

Snatch Duster: Feb 20, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

Mirthless posted:

emotional libertarianism is incredible, lol

"I can be relentlessly cruel all I want and if it makes you feel bad that's an aggressive act towards me"

I know like half the poly equation is erasing guilt most of the time but the way some specific poly concepts turn it around and weaponize it just blows me away every time I see it

No one is responsible for making you feel the way you do but you.

If you are upset I hosed another woman that is your fault, we agreed to this did we not?

# ? Jan 29, 2017 00:59

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

WampaLord posted:

loving

Sorting by controversial has found gold.

Are most polyamorists ugly?

that's funny, I thought most poly people were on the higher end of the scale :iamafag:

# ? Jan 29, 2017 00:59

Parsley: Jul 17, 2012

Holy poo poo she's the third wheel in her own "relationship".
And somehow thinks ~other factors~ are the problem. Uhm.

# ? Jan 29, 2017 01:05

Cough Drop The Beat: Jan 22, 2012; by Lowtax

Tiny Deer posted:

I just want to be clear that I found the first poly post mostly by accident, it was just that when I started looking around I realized there were rich veins in those sweaty, heaving hills.

How can I bring up to my partner that I'm feeling unsupported because of the way he's treating his wife in a certain situation vs. the way he's treating me--without coming off as jealous or needy?

It's almost like he cares about his wife more than you or something.

The reason she's not going with them on that vacation, by the way? The wife is paying for it and the OP is broke.

There are millions of other fish in the sea. Why fixate on one person who doesn't appear to care about you beyond banging???? I've just always assumed these poly idiots were all about having a no-strings FWB or two and not complicating the situation past that with their SO, but I guess I was wrong!

# ? Jan 29, 2017 01:05

Tolkien minority: Feb 14, 2012

WampaLord posted:

loving

Sorting by controversial has found gold.

Are most polyamorists ugly?

a bunch of people posted their pics in the comments to "disprove" this notion. they uh, failed

# ? Jan 29, 2017 01:06

Sydney Bottocks: Oct 15, 2004; Can't post for 14 days!

Pick posted:

it didn't count because her vagina had a gold fringe

*gets tasered after becoming unruly, when the "I exercised my right to travel" argument fails to deliver the desired results*

# ? Jan 29, 2017 01:06

gentle pete: Feb 21, 2015; by Nyc_Tattoo

Tolkien minority posted:

a bunch of people posted their pics in the comments to "disprove" this notion. they uh, failed

please, share them

# ? Jan 29, 2017 01:09

Parsley: Jul 17, 2012

Tolkien minority posted:

a bunch of people posted their pics in the comments to "disprove" this notion. they uh, failed

don't hold out on us

# ? Jan 29, 2017 01:11

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

Cough Drop The Beat posted:

There are millions of other fish in the sea. Why fixate on one person who doesn't appear to care about you beyond banging???? I've just always assumed these poly idiots were all about having a no-strings FWB or two and not complicating the situation past that with their SO, but I guess I was wrong!

they're fat and feel like this is the best they can do and are tricking themselves into thinking it's what they actually wanted all along

# ? Jan 29, 2017 01:11

54 40 or fuck: Jan 4, 2012; No Yanda's allowed

Tolkien minority posted:

a bunch of people posted their pics in the comments to "disprove" this notion. they uh, failed

Why would you not post the link you cruel wretch

# ? Jan 29, 2017 01:12

abigserve: Sep 13, 2009; this is a better avatar than what I had before

A man and his wife are in a terrible car crash. As he lies on the operating table, the surgeon comes in and exclaims "I can't operate on this man - he's my partner!"

What is the surgeons relation?

Answer: his meta

# ? Jan 29, 2017 01:12

WampaLord: Jan 14, 2010

My [23/M] girlfriend [25/F] of a year told me she's giving up her dream to be settled, married, and with kids by 28. I feel awful. I don't know how to react.

quote:

Pretty much what the title states. Ive been in a relationship with my girlfriend for a year now. I've always been up front about that I don't plan on settling till I'm 30+. But last night we just had a more serious talk, and she told me shes giving up her dreams of being settled and everything by 28 to be with me because she knows I'm pursuing my own things. Maybe it was supposed to make me feel happy? But I just feel awful. I can't imagine giving up my dreams/goals for anyone, resentment would definitely come up.

Should I just be happy and go with it? Or should we have another talk?

*tl;dr Girlfriend giving up dream of settling early because of me. I guess I should feel happy, but it made me feel bad. Fear she'll resent me in the future. Should I just leave it be or talk more? *

Why such an arbitrary age limit? If it happens at 30, she's going to be miserable for her whole life?

# ? Jan 29, 2017 01:59

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

A serious one but an interesting one, just complicated feelings and an odd situation:

quote:

Me [30F] with my family and friends, I'm getting surgery to correct my disability, and I'm not sure how to tell people or deal with the change Non-Romantic
submitted 1 year ago * by Eshlau

Hi all-
History: I come from an extremely low income, uneducated, and prejudiced family (basically midwestern rednecks). I was born with a disability that affects the way I walk. Growing up, my parents didn't believe that my inability to walk normally was a disability- they (mainly my father, my mom just kind of goes along with him) thought I was doing it for attention or to spite them or something, even as a toddler. Because of this, I was punished for walking the only way I am physically able to. Which means I was basically punished constantly for about 7-8 years until a teacher had a sit-down with my parents and strongly suggested they take me to see someone.

At this point, the disability was identified, and the doctor suggested surgery- which my family couldn't afford. So I spent a number of years in leg braces, physical therapy, etc. (which didn't work, as it's a congenital disability). My parents and family, despite being told what was going on, still blamed me for my condition- they believed that I faked this disability long enough as a baby and toddler that I eventually made my body this way. They've always been resentful because of that, and used to constantly remind me how much money they had to shell out for my "problem."

Throughout my childhood, I was constantly teased about my condition by other kids (I was in leg braces when Forrest Gump came out), yelled at and punished by my parents, and criticized by extended family and other adults (even strangers at the grocery store). People even commented on it in my receiving line at my wedding 2 years ago. I spent years learning a fake normal walk for when I can't wear shoes, developing a thick skin, and learning to laugh at myself. I've been reminded of this condition by everyone I meet and everyone I know on a constant basis for my entire life. At this point, it's such a strong part of who I am as a person and my resiliency, I don't even think of it as a disability, really. Just a part of who I am.

The Problem: At this point, I'm 30 years old. Over the past decade or so, I've had a lot of problems with my feet because of the unusual weight distribution pattern I place on them attempting to walk. Over the last year, though, I started noticing signs of nerve damage (numbness, tingling, and shooting pain which renders me barely able to walk at times), and my doctor strongly stressed re-visiting an orthopedic surgeon.

At my consult, the surgeon was shocked. He kept asking me questions with this incredulous look on his face, taking pictures with his phone, and commenting on how surprised me was that I could walk as well as I can at this point. He said it's one of the most severe cases he's ever seen of this particular condition, as most are fixed in childhood via surgery. The imaging of my lower extremities showed tissue damage and nerve impingement, making surgery a necessity at this point. So I scheduled a surgery a couple months from now.

I've had a lot of weird feelings about this since scheduling the surgery. The first pertains to how/when I'm going to tell my family. For years I have completely avoided any talk of my condition, and generally ignore all of the comments made by everyone ("Still walking like a freak, huh?" and the like). I know my parents still believe I did this to myself. Even though I've developed a pretty thick skin to others, I still get emotional thinking about the abuse, shame, and humiliation I suffered at the hands of my parents and family all throughout my childhood because of this. I'm afraid that it's all going to boil back to the surface when I tell them, and start a fight. We already have a tepid relationship, and I don't want to make it worse.

The other weird feeling I have pertains to the feeling that I'm "fixing" something. I know that at this point, it's either surgery or losing the use of my lower legs over the next few years. However, it feels like I'm losing a piece of me. I've spent 30 years telling myself that there's nothing wrong with me, finally "fixing" my condition feels like I'm agreeing with everyone, that there was something inherently wrong with me all along. The surgeon said I would have to re-learn how to walk, run, jump, etc. I'm excited to know what it feels like to walk on two good legs, but at the same time, I start to cry even thinking about changing this part of me forever. It's part of me. It's the way I was made. Fixing it makes it seem like I agree that I was made wrong. I don't know how to make peace with that feeling.

TL;DR- Born with disability, family and others spend 30 years making me feel horrible about it. Now getting surgery to correct- how do I break the news/results to my family, and how do I deal with the feeling that I'm taking away a piece of my identity/selling out?

# ? Jan 29, 2017 01:59

WampaLord: Jan 14, 2010

Pick posted:

A serious one but an interesting one, just complicated feelings and an odd situation:

quote:

Fixing it makes it seem like I agree that I was made wrong

Lady, you were made wrong. There's nothing wrong with being fixed with surgery.

Holy hell did her family do a number on her. :murder:

all of them.

# ? Jan 29, 2017 02:03

Tolkien minority: Feb 14, 2012

gentle pete posted:

please, share them

sorry i figured everyone would just search the title like i did. sadly a bunch of the links are broken
https://nr.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/j26nk/are_most_polyamorists_ugly/?ref=search_posts

also i love this exchange

# ? Jan 29, 2017 02:32

54 40 or fuck: Jan 4, 2012; No Yanda's allowed

^^^lmao

WampaLord posted:

My [23/M] girlfriend [25/F] of a year told me she's giving up her dream to be settled, married, and with kids by 28. I feel awful. I don't know how to react.

Why such an arbitrary age limit? If it happens at 30, she's going to be miserable for her whole life?

Eh I wanted to have a kid before 30. Your body bounces back quicker, the older you are the more chance of complications, the idea that you get "more time" with your kids, etc. something that seems to ring true is that men prefer to wait longer because their goals are based more in financial comfort whereas women are more rooted in the idea of emotional and familial ties. That's just anecdotal from my own personal experience and a lot of talking with other women about their goals wrt family and their husbands goals

I think it sounds like what she said is doing exactly what she intended it to, tbqh

54 40 or fuck fucked around with this message at 02:36 on Jan 29, 2017

# ? Jan 29, 2017 02:33

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

Tolkien minority posted:

also i love this exchange

# ? Jan 29, 2017 02:36

DragQueenofAngmar: Dec 29, 2009; You shall not pass!

Pick posted:

it didn't count because her vagina had a gold fringe

I knew there was a reason gentlemen preferred blondes

# ? Jan 29, 2017 02:38

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

Pick posted:

A serious one but an interesting one, just complicated feelings and an odd situation:

I wish this woman good luck with her surgery and that her entire family walk into a tire fire. Dear lord.

# ? Jan 29, 2017 02:40

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

DragQueenofAngmar posted:

I knew there was a reason gentlemen preferred blondes

you're on a fuckin roll in this thread, you know that?

# ? Jan 29, 2017 02:43

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

follow-up:

quote:

EDIT- Holy canoli, I came home from school to see this, and oh my goodness! Thank you all so much for your kind words and support. I am truly reading all the comments, even if I can't respond to all of them. I want to thank you all so much. Your comments made me laugh, cry, and seriously think about a lot of things in my life related to my family. I wanted to address some points that I've seen come up a couple times, for better clarification:

My family no longer thinks I'm faking. At this point, they believe that I faked my condition as a baby and toddler, and that led to the condition I live with today. Kind of like a "if you keep making that face it's going to stick that way" mentality. There is absolutely no getting through to them about this, so I just ignore it.

I grew up in a poor, uneducated, generally abusive household with an abusive alcoholic father and an enabler for a mother. I've been in therapy off and on for almost a decade now, but really started to make progress a few years ago when I started seeing my current psychiatrist, so no worries on my current mental health. Although I still have a lot of problems related to my family history as well as other things that happened, I am in the best possible place now, and actively dealing with it.

The reason I still keep my family in my life is because of a few reasons. One, of course, is the unconditional love I feel for them. As horrible as some of them have been, deep down I will always want to help them and hope that things will get better. I realize this is stupid of me, but I've been working at limiting my exposure to them for a number of years now, and it is a slow process. Another reason (which I know is also probably stupid) is for the sake of my other family members. I am very protective of my family, and in my teen years established something of a caretaker/head of household role with them when my dad's alcoholism got really bad. I can't handle the thought of the stress and pain I would cause my mom and siblings if I were to cut them out of my life. I don't know if I could do that to them. I do love them, as flawed as they are.

After reading through most of the great comments you guys left, I think I'm going to simply get the surgery and not say anything. I live across the country from my family, and only see them 1-2 times a year for a week or so at a time. I probably won't be seeing them again until next Christmas. I could potentially get the surgery and mostly recover by then. If they notice, they notice. I realize by reading your comments that I don't owe them an explanation. If they push about it, I'll do what I normally do, and leave the situation before I get upset. It's not of their concern what I do with my body.

# ? Jan 29, 2017 02:45

Snatch Duster: Feb 20, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

WampaLord posted:

My [23/M] girlfriend [25/F] of a year told me she's giving up her dream to be settled, married, and with kids by 28. I feel awful. I don't know how to react.

Why such an arbitrary age limit? If it happens at 30, she's going to be miserable for her whole life?

Yes considering she wants to have kids. Women are considered to have geriatric eggs at 32 usually, and having kids after 34 has significantly higher risks of complications for mother and higher risk of genetic defects for the kids. I also bet she wants to have more than 1.

Basically this dude is being a selfish prick by making her wait and he knows it.

Snatch Duster fucked around with this message at 02:53 on Jan 29, 2017

# ? Jan 29, 2017 02:51

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

That's not actually true and is based on horrifically outdated research.

# ? Jan 29, 2017 02:53

Snatch Duster: Feb 20, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

Pick posted:

That's not actually true and is based on horrifically outdated research.

Cool love to read some of it. Got any?

# ? Jan 29, 2017 03:00

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

the first results from the search terms "geriatric pregnancy" bring this up

quote:

Once a woman over age 35 gets pregnant, she must often deal with assumptions about the health of her pregnancy and child. Maternal or fetal health complications can lead to early labor. Some studies have found that older mothers are at higher risk for preterm labor but these reports are conflicting. Generally, older women are not at increased risk for early labor before 32 weeks (37 weeks is considered normal for delivery). However, very preterm birth (before 28 weeks) is increased in older women. Interestingly, low-birth-weight babies have increased survival rates when they are born to older women-possibly due to better emotional, financial, and medical support.

Another common myth is that mothers with advanced maternal age are at very high risk for birth defects, such as Down syndrome. While this risk does increase over time, only 0.8% of babies born to 40-year-old mothers have Down syndrome. By age 45, this risk increases to 3.5%. It is also important to note that 80% of children with Down syndrome are born to women under age 35, since that is when most women have children.

I mean just google stuff, or take it to the Goon Doctor subforum they'd know better.

# ? Jan 29, 2017 03:03

Tolkien minority: Feb 14, 2012

dont old mom or old dads like drastically increase the chance of autism. im too lazy to look this up but i heard it once

edit: lol yeah old people and teen moms.

Tolkien minority fucked around with this message at 03:11 on Jan 29, 2017

# ? Jan 29, 2017 03:04

Snatch Duster: Feb 20, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

Pick posted:

the first results from the search terms "geriatric pregnancy" bring this up

I mean just google stuff, or take it to the Goon Doctor subforum they'd know better.

My wife is a doctor. Gonna listen to her instead your uncited quote from a Google serp.

# ? Jan 29, 2017 03:07

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

Snatch Duster posted:

My wife is a doctor. Gonna listen to her instead your uncited quote from a Google serp.

Here's a BBC article with citation which only took me like another 15 seconds woaaaa

quote:

Most women over the age of 25 will be familiar with those concerned looks from older relatives followed up by a whispered: "Isn't it about time you started thinking of having a baby?" But what if much of what we have been led to believe about the impact of age on fertility is not true?
Take this often-cited statistic: one out of three women over the age of 35 will not have conceived after a year of trying.
Jean Twenge, a psychologist at San Diego State University in the US, was 34, recently remarried, and looking to start a family, when she heard it from her doctor.
"That was very frightening to me, as it is to many women who are in their 30s," she says.
Confronted with those odds, she wanted to find out where the statistic had come from. And she discovered something quite amazing.
"The data on which that statistic is based is from 1700s France. They put together all these church birth records and then came up with these statistics about how likely it was [someone would] get pregnant after certain ages."
These are women who had no access to modern healthcare, nutrition or even electricity. Why would any researcher think they can tell us something useful about modern-day fertility?
Idealised depiction of family life in 1700s

etc etc

Medicine is largely good, but medical statistics are often horseshit. -- a scientist (Pick)

# ? Jan 29, 2017 03:10

Snatch Duster: Feb 20, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

Pick posted:

Here's a BBC article with citation which only took me like another 15 seconds woaaaa

etc etc

Medicine is largely good, but medical statistics are often horseshit. -- a scientist (Pick)

Uh lmao

Got any research that isn't based on 1700s france and the primary authority being cited isn't a psychological professor? Maybe gynecologist

Snatch Duster fucked around with this message at 03:16 on Jan 29, 2017

# ? Jan 29, 2017 03:14

WampaLord: Jan 14, 2010

The point being, if he ends up marrying her when he's 30 and she's 32 and they try for a kid, it's not going to be the end of the world. Plenty of 32 year old women having healthy kids.

28-32 isn't a huge deal, but 32-36 would be.

Her whole fantasy seems unrealistic and too much pressure to put on a 1 year long relationship. Maybe dude ends up proposing in 2 years and then she's fine?

# ? Jan 29, 2017 03:16

54 40 or fuck: Jan 4, 2012; No Yanda's allowed

Right but whether or not the complications of "geriatric" pregnancy are true or not, I can think of plenty other reasons why it's not totally unheard of for her to want to get that ball rolling before 30

# ? Jan 29, 2017 03:19

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# ? May 14, 2024 17:13

Tolkien minority: Feb 14, 2012

lmao at a non politics thread getting exposed to snatchduster and arguing in earnest

# ? Jan 29, 2017 03:20

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