quote:

My [23F] BF [30M] snapped and said he hates the way I look. I think it's my fault that I pushed him to say it. Is it?
Relationships
submitted 8 months ago * by 155trying

We've been dating for 2.5 years. He gained 30 pounds over that time and was 250 pounds at 5'9". I'm not skinny, I weigh 155 pounds at 5'4" but my figure is ok as I have a very defined waist with big hips. In other words, yes, I can improve, but I'm ok with where I'm at, especially since I've lost 20 pounds over the years from lifestyle changes. The 150 range is hard for me to get out of. I've been at this weight for the whole time that we have dated.

Anyways, I'm very proud of my BF for losing the weight. And, now, he's encouraging me to go to the gym with him. So, last night, he asked if I was going this morning. I said, no, because he was going to work early and I'm not quite comfortable going alone just yet. I started going last week. I could tell he got a little upset and he said, "come on, don't you want to look better? Bobbi said her boobs used to sag, but not anymore. You don't want saggy boobs, right?" Bobbi is a girl at the gym. She's a cardio bunny, very skinny. She's cool and I'm not bothered by her at all. But, my BF's comment rubbed me through wrong way. Bobbi didn't actually say that, FYI, it was my BF's way of "motivating" me.

It backfired terribly and I told him that I felt like he was pressuring me, that he didn't like the way I look. I'll admit, I started talking a lot, telling him how I felt. And he'd intersperse, saying, "No, I didn't mean it that way!" or "you're being stupid, I'm just trying to get you healthy, I improved myself for you." I never pushed him to lose weight, only encouraged him when he made HIS decision to do so. I stopped eating out, cooking healthy for him, etc. All the things a partner should do.

Finally, he snapped and said, "Fine, I loving hate the way you look! That's what you want to hear, right?" I broke down crying and he tried to hug me. He then said that I forced him to say it, but I don't believe that. And, now I feel like crap this morning because I'm wondering that maybe I did basically force him to say it. I don't really know what to do from here.

TL;DR: My BF lost a lot of weight and wants me to as well. I didn't want to go to the gym without him one morning and he said some dumb things, including that he hates the way I look. He says I forced him to say it. I'm crushed and don't know what to do.

EDIT: I'll include more of the things I said, since that is relevant. We were going to lay down and he could tell I was upset. He asked if I was mad about what he said about Bobbi. I said, "Well, yeah! You can't just talk about another girl's body to your girlfriend." That is when he told me, "She didn't even say anything, I just made that up to make fun and get you motivated." Then, that is when I started.

I said, "I know what you're trying to do, but you can't do it that way. You have to realize that I have to want it for myself. I told you that I will go to the gym in the morning Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. I feel like you're just on me, I couldn't even get a Coke earlier because you said that I shouldn't and you know I haven't had one in three weeks! I'm trying and I'm going to try harder this week, it's just hard because I have (work event every evening from 6 to 8:30)! Even then, I'm going to try to wake up and go to the gym. I just didn't want to tomorrow since you have to be at work early." He wasn't saying anything at this point.

Then, I said, "I'm just feeling like you're pressuring me to lose weight, like you're not happy with me." He said, "I'm just trying to get you healthy! You don't even get your steps in because you just sit at your drat desk at work all day. Sorry that I'm the only one that actually cares about your health."

I said, "I'm not even unhealthy! You make it sound like I'm obese or something." He replied, "Yeah, but you're close to it on your BMI, aren't you?" I scoffed and said, "No! I'm only overweight (BMI is around 26, I think. "Obese" is 30+). You were the one that was almost obese!"

"Well, it's all the same drat thing to me. I lost all this weight for you and you are lazy and don't even want to get off your rear end." I said, "Ok, then, you don't like how I am right now, right? That's basically what you're saying."

"No, I'm not!"

"X, that is basically what you're saying, that I'm not good enough for you anymore."

"Fine, I loving hate the way you look! There, that's what you wanted to hear, right?"

Antivehicular posted:

Oh, right, the 75% Of Female Protagonists in YA Fiction Effect

Bubblyblubber posted:

I do the same thing, except I'm a man and actually touched in the head.

Men do find me adorable, but nobody lets me pet bunnies anymore

EDIT: Shameful snipe, redemption content:


MyBodyGallery pegs 155 pounds at 5'4" as something between curvy and gently caress-that-guy, depending on body shape.

Sapphic Socialism posted:

Beachcomber posted:

I'm beginning to think going to the gym is a

Bubblyblubber posted:

MyBodyGallery pegs 155 pounds at 5'4" as something between curvy and gently caress-that-guy, depending on body shape.

Bubblyblubber posted:

MyBodyGallery pegs 155 pounds at 5'4" as something between curvy and gently caress-that-guy, depending on body shape.

abigserve posted:

if you're not comfortable going to the gym by yourself your weight is probably a symptom of bigger problems

Nessa posted:

Totoro is good. Miyazaki films are good.

I used to work retail and suggested some Studio Ghibli films for a guy looking for movies for his younger sister. He said his parents would never allow her to watch stuff like that, believing that all anime was gross pornography.

I was just trying to recommend Totoro and Kiki's Delivery Service.

I tried to explain to him that My Neighbour Totoro was not pornography, but he said his parents wouldn't believe it.

Pick posted:

She's doing it to be cute because pop culture has told women that men think that being clumsy is adorable and a great way to seem unthreatening.

Zzulu posted:

i didnt read that story but partners making eachother go to the gym is cool and good

especially if you are american, since so many of you are grotesques these days

Zzulu posted:

I'm SO not

Pick posted:

I'd let him choose his favorite lol

quote:

I (34m) found a notebook my wife (30f) has written a whole novel detailing made up scenarios in which she gets revenge on female friends (varying ages) of mine.Relationships
submitted 34 minutes ago by blacknotebook04
My wife and I met 10 years ago now and we've been together for 8 (married for 6).
A bit of background is needed: My wife is a writer. She has published novels and done some freelance writing projects. I am used to her having stacks of notebooks that have short stories or drabbles in them. She usually keeps these in a bookshelf in her writing room (aka study). This particular notebook was not there, but in a box in our closet under some sweaters. She has also never shown aggressive behavior or cruelty like she has written about in this book.
My wife Sarah was on a trip this past weekend with her friends. They went to some spa retreat together so I stayed home. It was bitter cold where we live and it had been snowing so I had to shovel the driveway. I remembered a while ago that my wife had bought this insanely warm (and insanely itchy) mohair sweater for me that I had tucked away in our closet. I started looking through some boxes and I found this notebook buried under a bunch of old sweaters. I had never seen it before and it was really odd to find it here because like I said, she keeps her notebooks in her study. I was curious so I started reading.
The novel starts out with her finding a wishing stone which grants her any one wish. She makes a very specific and detailed wish to become high queen of the entire world, with everyone reporting to her, while still allowing every nation to have their governments and rulers, but she can tweak their laws as she wishes. She ends up living in a grand palace and meets with delegates from every country to discuss the world events and to yay or nay certain rules or policies being enacted. I was enjoying the story thus far.
Then she meets with the head of her "Black Squad", a squad of trained assassins and kidnappers. She asks if they have the girl and they say yes. They lead her to a room where my friend Ellen is tied to a chair and my wife proceeds to mock her and torture her, citing how she should have stayed away from me and tells her what a "slut" she is for constantly being near me, a married man. Ellen has been my friend for 15 years. She was there for me during a really rough period of my life and helped me get back on my feet, something my wife has previously admitted to resenting because apparently that bonds me to Ellen in a way she and I will never have. I have never had any romantic feelings for Ellen.
The book continues like this. She commands her Black Squad to kidnap women who have been in my life romantically and platonically. She kills off my exes after pages of psychological and physical tortures. She ruins the careers of platonic friends and makes their families shun them and drives some of them to commit suicide. The only people she doesn't target are ones she deems have been respectful of our relationship. Which according to her in this book means dressing appropriately around me, liking facebook pictures/statuses that have both of us in it instead of just me, and keeping discussions of their personal lives to me to a minimum.
The notebook still has blank pages. I don't know if she updates it still or has forgotten about it. The latest entry seems to be from about a year ago because it has the name of a coworker who was new at that time.
I know shes a writer. I know people sometimes write to get out frustrations or as their own therapy, in the same way people go to the gym and punch a punching bag. But I am honestly shocked and a bit disturbed by the things she wrote. She cut off the tongue of a friend because she stuck it out in a picture with me. She made another girl swallow a pint of liquid chilis because she had cooked me (and her boyfriend btw) a chili chicken dinner once when Sarah was out of town.
Like I said, she's never been aggressive or anything like this in real life. I feel like Im reading a story about her evil twin. She's always been extremely docile and passive. She definitely has had a jealous streak but she always has talked about how x or y made her feel instead of ranting or raging. We have never had any sort of screaming match or things being thrown.
I'm feeling very much at a loss right now. I don't know if Im overreacting or making this bigger than it is. I don't even know how or if I should bring this up. I mean, ok, I feel like I should because obviously this points to a lot of pent up aggression and anger towards these people, but just how do I even start that conversation? She's getting back today and Im a really bad liar so I dont think I can hide the fact Ive read it and feel disturbed.
What should I do?
tl;dr: My wife is a writer. I found a hidden notebook she has with a short novel on how she's queen of the world and tortures/abuses women who have been in my life that she feels insecure or jealous over. I dont know if I should brush this off as writing therapy or if I should be more concerned. How do I address this?

54 40 or gently caress posted:

54 40 or gently caress posted:

54 40 or gently caress posted:

Helios Grime posted:

Splicer posted:

She is going to his friends and his penis

54 40 or gently caress posted:

I'm torn on how much of it is psychopathic anger and how much of it is fetish. It's definitely a mix of both

54 40 or gently caress posted:

I'm torn on how much of it is psychopathic anger and how much of it is fetish. It's definitely a mix of both

Mirthless posted:

It is a massive violation of trust for him to raid her therapy journals. That is so much worse than digging through somebody's text message history. Gross. You're all gross.

Ride The Gravitron posted:

That's what I was thinking too. She's been honest with him about her feelings, and she's been respectful of his friends. This sounds like a harmless venting/sex tool. And I may be projecting here but the thing is so over the top "you slut, being around a married man!" That it almost sounds satirical.

Psycho Society posted:

My hot take is that she's crazy as a coconut, but what does that mean?

Mirthless posted:

This lovingly detailed torture journal is a normal part of therapy. This is fine. When you think about it, he's the monster.

VanSandman posted:

I started reading Mirthless' comment without seeing who posted, got about a dozen words in before I realized I was reading the words of our resident idiot apologist.

Mirthless is there any dumbshit whackadoo thing you don't have personal experience with? This is not a rhetorical question, I am looking for a genuine list.

Breetai posted:

Hello old friend.

new phone who dis posted:

I wonder how understanding people would want to be if it was a dude writing all that poo poo out.

Helios Grime posted:

Even if it's" just" venting, I'd be worried that she even needs this kind of venting. How about being not so hilariously jealous?

Mirthless posted:

gently caress off, you're being an ableist rear end in a top hat. This is why people with mental health problems have to meticulously hide them from everyone, even the people they love. Her stupid murder fiction isn't hurting anyone. She's not policing his interactions with the women he interacts with, she's not stalking people, she's not threatening him or anyone else. She had a therapy journal she wrote words in.