whiter than a Wilco show posted:

"And then it turned into an mlk style riff fest"

quote:

My boyfriend and I have a perfect relationship except for one thing - he is imitating Ric Flair almost all the time in his free time.

He considers Ric to be some kind of gay icon to him - between the robes, the blonde hair, and the wrestling tights.... my boyfriend was really deeply closeted growing up and I think wrestling was one of his first outlets towards understanding himself. So he's loved Ric Flair since he was a kid. That's awesome and I'm glad he has a hero.

What I'm not happy about is randomly getting chopped across the chest (my boyfriend fakes these, but it's still annoying), being put in the Figure 4 leglock, and being "Woo"'d at. My boyfriend also took one of my favorite bathrobes, bedazzled it on the back and added a bunch of feathers to it. ADMITTEDLY THIS LOOKS PRETTY AWESOME - but it's a bathrobe that's no longer functional and he did this without asking my permission.

At one point I said gently caress it, I'll fight fire with fire, and dressed up like Ricky "The Dragon Steamboat" with the goal of annoying him so much that he'd see my side of things. Unfortunately he really enjoyed it, thought I was roleplaying to come on to him, and he now is constantly asking me to dress as Flair's various rivals from the past (Steamboat, Sting, Dusty Rhodes, etc).

We have discussed this many times. I'll usually get about a week of freedom. Then I'll come home from work and find him cutting promos on the cat or Flair strutting around the house.

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I jerk off to pictures of women's feet. My girlfriend and I were discussing fetishes and she said feet were gross, so I just laughed and said they were.

But I like massaging her feet a lot, I stare at the when we're watching TV, and I jerk off into her socks before I do the laundry. If we could incorporate them into our love making I would be extremely happy.

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3) I pretty much only take shits at work, in public restrooms, or at friends and family's houses because I don't want to have clean my toilet more than once every two weeks. 

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I can only orgasm if there's emo music or a My Chemical Romance song playing.

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My husband has become a racist, right wing psychopath over the last year and I'm finally going to leave him

Eikre posted:

Did you know, toilets are made of shitproof material, and have a self-cleaning "flush" mechanism that you can employ between the bi-weekly scrubs? It's pretty cool, try it out, you probably will not be disappointed.

Fried Watermelon posted:

You mean I don't have to buy a new toilet every time I fill it up?!

quote:

So I am in my thirties and for quite a few years now I have developed this imaginary friend with a somewhat complicated backstory.
My friend is a tall, handsome, muscular, albino woman. She is actually my twin sister. Only she is actually me in the future. But also me reincarnated from the past. Apparently I befriend a scientist who has invented a time travelling device in his basement. I naturally agree to be his first guinea pig. I travel back some 500 million years only I wind up gender flipped and immortal. I wander aimlessly across the Earth witnessing first hand the geological shifts and evolutionary jumps on the planet. I never try to change or influence the history of the planet, just observe it in a very passive manner. This is usually what I dream about at night.
Eventually my birth arrives and I die and I become my twin sister with all my previous memories slowly coming back as I grow older. Only I don't know that because I'm not my twin, I'm me and I have no idea. The only thing I know is that I have this kick rear end sister who is laid back, brave, friendly and a joy to be around. Essentially everything that I am not.
So now when things are going to poo poo or I'm feeling really uncomfortable or unhappy its nice to think how my sis would handle the situation or how to get me out of it. It actually helps me deal with life just knowing there is someone who has my back even though they are not real and actually me.
We have been on many adventures in the few short years that we have known each other and in all honesty I hope they continue.

quote:

I know this is completely normal, but sometimes I get so loving sick of my life. Get up every morning at 7, stare at my computer until 8:20, race to get to work by 9. My job isn't even bad, but I still don't want to go. It's like I spend every day in purgatory. My wife becomes the most unpleasant person in the world when she's PMSing (ie, right now). I think she's depressed over her lovely job, but it manifests in her doubting my feelings for her. I'm sure I could be more attentive, but I don't know that she's feeling that way unless she tells me. We spent the whole day out together on Saturday, and now it's Friday and she's saying we never do anything together.

We have a hyper dog that I don't have time for and a parrot that never shuts the gently caress up. I'm an extremely anxious person, and each time the parrot yells (every twenty seconds) it startles me. Drinking is the only way I can calm down the anxiety that builds up all day, but now I have a drinking problem, so that's just making things worse. I had to stop buying liquor because it was escalating quickly. I missed a Monday at work because I was hungover in bed all day, and that was just pathetic. It's not like I went out the night before--I just sat at home and drank until I passed out. I don't do that with just beer, but it's making me fat. I'd look into anti-depressants, but my wife thinks they're unnatural and it would turn into this big thing if I insisted. They didn't actually help me when I tried them before. I just put on 20lbs, lost my sex drive, and spent 3 months with brain zaps and extreme fatigue as I slowly tapered off of them.

My life isn't even all that bad. I have a job that I mostly enjoy, make good money, live in a good house, and I love my wife (and dog, but not parrot). We cook and garden together. We laugh at our stupid inside jokes and send each other dumb memes. In December we spent two weeks of vacation together and it was amazing. Best I've felt in years. I wish things could be like that all the time. But 99% of my life is this stupid grind and I just want a break oh my god. It's killing me.

purple death ray posted:

You should definitely get rid of the parrot too

The Butcher posted:

Birds can fly. Just accidentally let it escape.

feshes posted:

My Chemical Romance

Jose posted:

Parrots live an insanely long time idk why anyone gets them as a pet

H.H posted:

Wrestling fans are weird:

My boyfriend and I have a perfect relationship except for one thing - he is imitating Ric Flair almost all the time in his free time.

He considers Ric to be some kind of gay icon to him - between the robes, the blonde hair, and the wrestling tights.... my boyfriend was really deeply closeted growing up and I think wrestling was one of his first outlets towards understanding himself. So he's loved Ric Flair since he was a kid. That's awesome and I'm glad he has a hero.

What I'm not happy about is randomly getting chopped across the chest (my boyfriend fakes these, but it's still annoying), being put in the Figure 4 leglock, and being "Woo"'d at. My boyfriend also took one of my favorite bathrobes, bedazzled it on the back and added a bunch of feathers to it. ADMITTEDLY THIS LOOKS PRETTY AWESOME - but it's a bathrobe that's no longer functional and he did this without asking my permission.

At one point I said gently caress it, I'll fight fire with fire, and dressed up like Ricky "The Dragon Steamboat" with the goal of annoying him so much that he'd see my side of things. Unfortunately he really enjoyed it, thought I was roleplaying to come on to him, and he now is constantly asking me to dress as Flair's various rivals from the past (Steamboat, Sting, Dusty Rhodes, etc).

We have discussed this many times. I'll usually get about a week of freedom. Then I'll come home from work and find him cutting promos on the cat or Flair strutting around the house.

quote:

One time I was hanging out with my boyfriend. I started typing in a URL that began with an R, and reddit.com/r/porngifs was in the auto suggest.

Haha, awkward!

I didn't mention it but I did bring up porn later on in a "I like X, how about you?" way - so I hope he didn't feel judged or guilty. That's my confession. Thanks!

quote:

So this is slightly hosed up and I realize my relationship with this girl is over.

I met a girl on Tinder. I'm 20, she claimed to be 26. I bit older than me but I'm game. Started dating and it was really awesome. She did wear a LOT of makeup early on, but I just thought it was her style and didn't push it too much. But it weirded me out a bit when we started sleeping together and she refused to let me see her without at least a little makeup on.

Last night she came clean to me - she's 41 years old. That's messed up but it's not the really messed up part. The thing is she admitted she hooked up with me because she had a crush on me since I was a kid. Turns out she used to be a substitute teacher at my middle school.

value-brand cereal posted:

Old school or new school? Like party poison gets me all hot n bothered with his ray gun and unwashed desert bod, but vampires will never hurt you.... unless you ask nicely rawr xd please share your sex playlist.

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I'm a youth minister who's pretty respected in my community. I volunteer, I work with kids, and I preach the word of God to people who need it.

I am also currently having 3 extra marital affairs.

I fully admit I prey on women at their lowest, which I come in contact with quite a bit at church. I'm somewhat good looking and pretty charismatic, so I pepper that in with some alcohol and sometimes a little weed. It's usually pretty easy to seduce those women, or at least get them to admit they'd consider it.

My wife and my kid have no idea and, honestly, gently caress them. I made the mistake of marrying a woman who hates sex for anything but procreation, and refuses to do anything "degrading" like kissing in public, letting either of our hands go below the waistline of the other, or even snuggling up on the couch or in bed.

We've had sex exactly 3 times in our 6 year marriage. The first time led to her crying in the shower and making me sleep downstairs for a month, the 2nd time was a year later and led to the birth of our son, and the 3rd time was on our 5 year anniversary. I have discussed divorce several times, especially in that first year, but she has threatened to leak some information online if I do so that would lead to me losing my job. That information is the fact that, in my younger years, I posed nude in a magazine for gay men. I am not gay but I needed money at the time.

My son is basically raised by my wife and her family and, despite only being 4 years old, is a good little Christian in their eyes. He hates other religions just like they do, and I even saw him shy away from a black family at the grocery store. Wonderful.

I am an awful person and am definitely going to hell for my affairs, and I know my wife is going to hell too for blackmailing me and for something really bad she did back in college. So this is middle america for you, a bunch of miserable sinners who hook up and make each other more miserable.

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I'm really bad at cooking despite constantly trying to improve and watching Food Network in my free time.

I think the biggest issue is I don't understand what makes some flavor mixes good and others bad. My sister's birthday came up and I wanted to cook something. I thought - chicken and waffles is a popular dish. Sweet and savory. I'll make my own spin on it!

I kept it simple and mixed one savory thing (shrimp) with one sweet thing (cocoa puffs) to make chocolate glazed shrimp. I tasted one and almost threw up. But I had made almost 3 lbs so I decided to take it over and hoped somebody else liked it. Nobody did. The dog got into it and even he spit it up. I guess it didn't help that I slightly burnt some too.

I've made similar gently caress ups in the past, usually mixing flavors that end up not tasting good. I tried making peanut and pepperoni pizza to similar issues before.

H.H posted:

The Management posted:

deprogram your kids

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My confession is that I think I'm breaking. Years ago I was the most confident I had ever been. I was working out, doing OK career wise, married, it was all coming up milhouse. Then I was blindsided by some unpleasant family history.

Many years ago, my single mother lost her job and had to move my brothers and I to a duplex my aunt owned. My aunt and uncle were much older and my uncle was my hero. He was charismatic and loyal, he taught me about jazz and baseball. He drove us to school every day, picked us up, and every Friday he took me to Blockbuster to rent a video game. He taught me how to shake hands and look people in the eyes when I spoke. One of my brothers, "Bob", was very ill and my uncle acted as his caretaker and would bring him to his doctor's appointments. My uncle passed away over a decade ago and I was honored to be one of the paul bearers. There was a line of people out the cathedral and down the street to pay respects to him. A local basketball court is named after him.

He raped my brother. He raped my sick, little brother. He spent 5 years molesting Bob, until he was old enough to be a teenager. No one in my family knew this until a few years ago, when Bob finally spoke out. He sat with that burden for 15 years and no one knew. Everyone thought my uncle was a saint. But he was a drunk and a pedophile.

I haven't dealt with this at all. I made a mental deal with myself that I would try not to dwell on this info until I had to. My aunt passed away in the last few months and I no longer have that excuse not to think about this. It's eating me away. I have a large extended family and none of them know. Bob said when the time was right, he would tell them. With my aunt passing, there's been a lot of family drama regarding money and property and I'm afraid Bob will get angry at one of our other uncles and drop this bomb in the worst way imaginable.

Here's my confession: Before we lived in the duplex, I visited my uncle every summer. My first orgasm was in his home. I was young, I couldn't even ejaculate yet, I'm not sure I even knew what sex was. But one morning I woke up with this insane, intense feeling on my penis. It's very foggy, but it was almost like a wet dream but without the puberty part. In my memory, there's a vague shadow that someone else was in the room. Since I was a child, I haven't been able to sleep. I wake up shaking. If I sleep and the covers are too tight or my wife is too close to me, sometimes my heart starts pounding and I freak out. I often wake up choking myself. I get this uneasy feeling someone is near me. I'm terrified that I was molested and cannot remember. Can that even happen?

I'm all sorts of hosed up and I'm dreading when this news becomes public. I don't know what posting this will do I just needed to tell someone. I can't talk to my family about this, I can't get myself to open my mouth. We're moving my mother out of the duplex and there's so many old photos of my uncle. It's breaking me down. By the way, I did just schedule an appt with my PCP to get a referral to a therapist, so I'm ahead of you one this one.

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I just loving love stealing.

Except I'm really particular, I've only ever stolen from employers or family members. Basically, I only do it if I know I can get away with it or if I know I'll be forgiven if I'm caught.

I would steal small things from the retail place I worked at a few years ago. Mostly just snacks and small things that I would need. Packages of screws or small tools, that kind of thing. I knew where all the cameras were, and I knew I could get in and out of the back to stash things in my purse or coat pockets without looking suspicious.

I would also steal tips like a fiend at my last job. It was a dog groomer's. It was really loving easy to steal cash tips, because there was never any record of them coming in in the first place. Usually what I'd do was I'd split the tip in half if it was a big one and give half to the groomer that it actually belonged to and half to myself. I quit about a year ago but I wonder if the groomers realized that they were getting bigger tips after I left?

I don't really have an excuse, but when I was stealing tips I was basically just living paycheck to paycheck and really needed every extra dollar I could get. I would often spend half of the stolen money on booze anyway, but whatever.

I haven't really stolen anything from my current job. I work in a nursing home for Alzheimer's patients, they don't really have anything I could use and I actually like them so I won't take anything from them.

The worst thing I do is steal from my girlfriend. We split everything 50/50, but it's my job to divide up the grocery bills and other incidentals. I usually weigh everything really heavily in my favor, and sometimes I arbitrarily decide that she owes me an extra ten or twenty bucks. I know she'll never actually double check this, and I also know that even if she does discover that I'm doing this, she won't dump me because she's extremely dependent on me.

tldr I'm a garbage person

I Brake For MILFs posted:

I know someone with the same exact sleeping issues as the duplex goon. You're not alone, I think it's for the same exact reasons too.