The Management posted:

(1+5)/2 = 3.0 exactly

quote:

I find Kellyanne Conway extremely attractive in a "trashy milf porn star" kind of way.

I hate her and all she stands for, but I could j/o to a video of her getting nailed. I probably wouldn't want to do it myself because I could see her being a dead fish in the sack too.

When I see her on TV my brain is just screaming "Shut the gently caress up you idiot fascist" but my dick says "How you doin??".

quote:

I hated going to work every day. I had a long commute, my office didn't let us leave on our lunch break, and I felt like I was wasting my life in a cubicle.

I decided to take a page from the one thing Homer Simpson did correctly - I decided to become obese enough that I would be medically disabled and qualify for our company's Work From Home policy. I was already a little overweight (around 280 lbs) and just had to bulk up to 350 to hit the company guidelines.

It was difficult but I was super motivated to do this, and I did. I removed any kind of calorie burning exercise by incorporating food. I put a mini fridge in my bedroom, during the walk from my bedroom to the bathroom in the morning I would eat cookie dough. Same thing walking downstairs and getting dressed. On the car ride to work I'd stop at McDonald's and get around $40 worth of food. I'd snack constantly at work on high calorie items like cookies, cakes, ice cream, and sodas.

I was gaining weight but not fast enough, until I unlocked a pretty cool secret. Grease by itself is tough to swallow, same with pure butter. But I made a mix - 70% Dr. Pepper, 20% butter, 10% bacon grease. loving DELICIOUS and it helped me really pack on the weight.

I am proud to say that I'm now a happy 388 lbs and typing this from the comfort of my bedroom. I am more productive than ever and I get an extra 1-2 hours a day from not having to commute. I've beaten video games that were sitting unplayed for years, watched every movie I want to on Netflix, and have even had time to start up a new OKCupid profile (I'm single atm but looking).

The Simpsons was forced to tack on a stupid "happy" ending where Homer is brainwashed into thinking being fat and working from home is bad. But my life story is much happier - I'm still working from home, I have no shame about who I am, and I plan to stay this way for as long as I live. Speaking of - I went to the doctor the other week and guess what? I'm not in as bad as shape as you might imagine. Yes, I have to take some meds, but who doesn't?

H.H posted:

I was already a little overweight (around 280 lbs)

quote:

Yes, I have to take some meds, but who doesn't?

Bobmuffins posted:

the math is pretty obvious on the HR one guys

5/5 = 10/10, each point on the 5 scale is worth 2 on the 10 scale.

1/5 = 2/10
2/5 = 4/10
3/5 = 6/10
4/5 = 8/10
5/5 = 10/10

average is a 5/10, so between 2/5 and 3/5

round down because capitalism

problem solved

loquacius posted:

I get like that some mornings except instead of just women I hate everything

The Management posted:

You've just mapped a scale of 1-5 to a scale of 2-10.

The Management posted:

You've just mapped a scale of 1-5 to a scale of 2-10.

Bobmuffins posted:

i figured we were operating under the assumption that anyone who would get a 0/10 or 1/10 would be fired tbh

quote:

Following up from some time back - codeword is Hotdog Water.

I'm the goon who discovered he was an alien baby. I originally wanted to go discuss this with Obama to try and get reparations, then with Mr. Trump as I believe Barron is also an alien baby, and had some car issues along the way that prevented things.

My parents forced me to get a job in the last few weeks, which is a great way to try and distract me from the cause. Good news - they didn't care where it was, so I'm now working at Burger King. Good food, good people, and it's not too distracting a job. It's also given me some spending money above their allowance, which I've been able to use to buy some actual evidence of alien contact on ebay.

I have an alien implant coming in the mail withing 7-10 business days. I'm excited for this because I'm thinking I'll be able to intuitively understand it, or maybe communicate with my home people via it.

I also saw the movie "Arrival" at the request of someone who reached out to me on another forum I post on. Pretty good movie and I'm wondering if that's similar to the pact that led to me being on Earth? Maybe one of the filmmakers was involved? Will have to research further.

Also I believe I may be going through an alien metamorphosis, that's the real reason for this confession. I have never, not once, woken up with 'morning wood' as people say it. However, last week I did and at one point in the night I had what's known as a 'wet dream'. I'll admit, I was loving terrified when I woke up. On top of that, I have a really godawful rash over my buttocks and my feet are both covered in blisters.

quote:

I'm a nearly 30 year old hugless, kissless, friendless virgin. Every day I wish I could have a virtual girlfriend. Some ideal, perfect woman I deserve. Someone who, when I'm not around her, doesn't exist. No chance of cheating, no boring interests outside of me,no chance of me raising someone else's kid.

I realize now that my only hope of having a traditional relationship is, if in the next 40 years, holograms or robots become so advanced that they can be considered citizens. Which I could see happening.

I have nobody to spend money on except myself and have a good job, so I've got about 30 thousand dollars just burning a hole in my pocket. I don't trust the banks after the Obama administration so that's just sitting in my house while other idiots at work have a 401k that's losing money every day.

I would trade every penny if I could get my robot wife and lose my virginity to her.

I get really lonely a lot though, and sometimes go into a pretty dark place. High School was bad because of bullying but I had a few friends that made it okay. College was free of bullying but every girl I asked out said no. 4 rejections in 4 years, really crushed my spirit and made me realize I was born a loser in that regard.

My life now is pretty boring and I realize it'll drive me crazy at some point. I get up, go to work, come home, play some video games or watch some TV, then jerk off and go to bed. I might talk to my boss for 10 minutes a day, and that's usually my only human contact for the day. Weekends I won't see a single person since I like using self checkouts at stores.

Here's hoping robo vaginas come soon or else I'll never know what it feels like.

areyoucontagious posted:

My confession is that I cannot believe I loving read 1-10/1-5 chat. Y'all need Jesus. Or a life. I mean at least Jesus had a life, albeit an abbreviated one.

quote:

I don't trust the banks after the Obama administration so that's just sitting in my house while other idiots at work have a 401k that's losing money every day

areyoucontagious posted:

What are you trying to say, management? That all the times I've used "the year of our Lord" I've just sounded like an ignorant rear end in a top hat?

Beige posted:

Like all people who use that phrase, yes.

areyoucontagious posted:

H.H posted:

I have nobody to spend money on except myself and have a good job, so I've got about 30 thousand dollars just burning a hole in my pocket.

I get up, go to work, come home, play some video games or watch some TV, then jerk off and go to bed. I might talk to my boss for 10 minutes a day, and that's usually my only human contact for the day. Weekends I won't see a single person since I like using self checkouts at stores.

Police Automaton posted:

or get a therapist to bang

quote:

E: actual seriousanswer: You might want to consider therapy actually, I have the feeling if somebody was to go dig a little into your head he'd find some very unhealthy attitudes regarding women and how a relationship with one is supposed to look like. Maybe some unhealthy attitudes concerning yourself and how you view yourself, too.

quote:

Every day I wish I could have a virtual girlfriend. Some ideal, perfect woman I deserve. Someone who, when I'm not around her, doesn't exist. No chance of cheating, no boring interests outside of me,no chance of me raising someone else's kid.

quote:

I'm a human resources rep for a Fortune 500 company and the things I have seen would turn your stomach and make you instantly disavow corporate America.

The Management posted:

You can't spell therapist without the rapist

The Management posted:

No digging required. I've copied the blatantly obvious incel idiot thinking for you:

LethalGeek posted:

Hey fat goon I work from home because I'm good at my (lame) job and am in really good shape. Good thing you're getting all your fun stuff in now since you won't have as long to enjoy it all lol.

quote:

It's currently 10:06 am EST on a Monday, and I'm in my cubicle at work. I just poo poo my pants (thanks a lot Buffalo Wild Wings).

I have a few big issues. I ride the bus to work and the next bus home isn't until 2:45 pm. I have nobody who could drive me home. I live alone and my parents are about 300 miles away.

I spent the last 15 minutes in the bathroom trying to clean up as best I can but it's still pretty obvious what happened and there's the stains on my khakis to prove it. I also didn't bring lunch to work today so I have to venture out into the city to try and get something to eat, all while having some slight brown streaks on my pants.

quote:

There's a derail in the relationship thread right now about dating an extreme couponer. I did that and it was a nightmare.

She had binders full of coupons and would spend hours every day organizing them and planning trips to the store. I was the cart jockey and just used to carry stuff around. We were planning to save money for a house together. But here's the thing:

Extreme couponers buy a LOT of useless poo poo. Yes it's free or close to it. But you'll never in a million years use or give away 500 boxes of cereal. I started donating stuff to food banks, which was awesome, but we were effectively just buying things to give away. The "stockpile" as she named it also took up almost half our apartment. Boxes of tampons, kleenex, toilet paper, bottled water, etc. All just sitting in the apartment.

On top of that, every Saturday and most Sundays were shopping days. So we had no free time for anything, we'd just drive between 3-5 different grocery stores, coupon, and bring the stuff home.

We basically turned into a hoarder house and it wasn't worth it to save 75% on shaving cream.

When I eventually confronted her and said I wasn't happy we broke up. From what I've heard and seen on Facebook she's fully batshit crazy now and living in an RV with no job.

RCarr posted:

Aren't coupons for saving money? What's the point in buying excess poo poo that you don't need? Just use the coupons on what you do need. Doesn't sound that hard, and you save a few bucks.

areyoucontagious posted:

Why not just Uber home immediately and call your boss on the way home saying you're violently ill?