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Speleothing posted:Also, does anybody have advice on getting vampires not to bite during orgies? They definitely know how to party otherwise, but always end up bringing out the fangs when they've been warned not to. get some better friends. if you wernt slumming it with mortals they wouldn't be turned by a vampire bite in the first place
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Feb 23, 2017 20:26
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Speleothing posted:Way too much effort for dwarves. Just have a your golems squash them like any other uninvited guests. Like, 80% of all extant vampires are accidental orgy bite vampires. I've just stopped inviting them
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Feb 23, 2017 22:07
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Mad Hamish posted:poo poo, I thought I was the only one who realized just how awful elves are. Of course you can't just go around saying this to people, you get branded as a horrible racist even though every third phrase that elves speak is some garbage about 'lesser races'. Somehow when they say it it's perfectly fine. Sure you try growing up wood elf, 500 years just to get to your elfen tweens. Then another 400 years of awkward boners and voice cracking, all the while trying to dodge the elder pederasts and berrywine drunk friends' moms bored advances (only fun the first couple hundred years). And no one understands why I turned from a moon and forest mage to studying the forbidden tomes of Lloth.
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Feb 23, 2017 22:30
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Lol at you nerds burying your noses in old books for decades to find something to get back at the world because you couldn't get laid. Being evil means your enemies bowels rupture when they hear your war horn. It means cleaving demigods in half with your mighty great sword as your horde of barbarians desecrate their lands and temples. It means ordering the destruction of your most adoring servants by their own hands. Have you ever even seen a self immolation? Being evil is a way of life, not some hobby you do in your three story walk-up tower while you jerk your wand. Stop trying to summon an eldritch terror And BE that terror.
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Feb 23, 2017 23:24
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I cast disintegrate on the darkness haha lol
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Feb 23, 2017 23:29
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Schwza posted:Lol at you nerds burying your noses in old books for decades to find something to get back at the world because you couldn't get laid. barbarians make GREAT skeletons
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Feb 24, 2017 01:16
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I remember once I had a barbarian try to kill me. When he penetrated my army of skeletons and faced me in the flesh he promised to end my evil reign. So I congratulated him on passing my test, and gave him a giant two handed sword. And the idiot took it! Of course it was cursed, and he immediately killed himself. He made a really great skeleton.
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Feb 24, 2017 01:31
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I kinda got to agree with the guy, tho. Unless you make your bound slaves do something, you're just jerking yourself off. Selfish fulfilment is a lesser evil to hateful conquest. But us wizards can definitely conquer faster and more efficiently.
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Feb 24, 2017 02:33
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i make my skeletons do ironwork all day. the material component of the Wall of Iron spell is only 1lb or iron, but it produces a wall of solid iron weighing 50,000lb. obviously the local market has already been flooded, but that what Planar Portals are for 
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Feb 24, 2017 02:52
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more swords = more wars = more skeletons let the mortals do the work for you
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Feb 24, 2017 02:55
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Hey guys chick out this chill touch. Pretty great huh? Guys?
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Feb 24, 2017 03:11
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fyodor posted:Wyld Stallyns Wyld Stallyns rule. I like their hot summer jam "Keep The Laws." Rutibex posted:dont listen to this guy, paladins never pay up after you do their "quests". smells like a trap It's a trap, but not because a paladin will break his (or her, let's be fair) word. It's a trap because they don't expect you to succeed. ChaseSP posted:The only contract you should ever sign and believe in is one signed in both participant's blood as well as read over by a demon lawyer. (If you don't have one on hold you're a moron hope that helps) if either breaks it they get eternally damned and of course you already are so it's no risk. Devil lawyer. You want a devil lawyer, not a demon. Demon writs are always being overturned, devil ones are rock solid and cannot be broken, the Laws forbid it and therefore Euclidean geometry demand all parties keep the terms of the contract or annihilate themselves. Yes, even, nay, especially phylacteries (or "horcruxes" if you're a pre-teen lich) are subject to Euclidean geometry. Colonel Cancer posted:Don't trust a demon lawyer. Contact a devil for all your legal needs, today. EDIT: gently caress, BEATEN.  ChaseSP posted:Look it sounds like a great idea but then when you go to do so the fuckers have made the contract so secure you can't even make yourself want to actually break it. Don't trust a neutral lawful people. Yes, The Laws. Keep them. It's fun. It's fun to Enforce The Laws. Schwza posted:Lol at you nerds burying your noses in old books for decades to find something to get back at the world because you couldn't get laid. I like this guy. I'm interested to see where this goes. I mean, we'll see. Rutibex posted:more swords = more wars = more skeletons
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Feb 24, 2017 03:12
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Who wants to get in with me on the ground floor of my new business idea? Succubus brothel. I just need someone to split the cost on "Blood of the innocent." For all of the summoning. I've already got a few locations and a few beefy Tanar'ris for bouncers.
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Feb 24, 2017 03:19
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VendaGoat posted:Who wants to get in with me on the ground floor of my new business idea? This is a bad idea. It sounds great until you realize you won't get any repeat customers.
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Feb 24, 2017 03:25
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VendaGoat posted:Who wants to get in with me on the ground floor of my new business idea? make sure you take a video when you cast the binding spell
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Feb 24, 2017 03:31
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Power_of_the_glory posted:This is a bad idea. It sounds great until you realize you won't get any repeat customers. The ladies take what they need. And the deadbeat customers, whelp. Who would want them back anyway?
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Feb 24, 2017 03:33
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Anyone got a good spell for summoning Japanese lesbian vomit videos? Its for a friend.
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Feb 24, 2017 04:22
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JiveHonky posted:Anyone got a good spell for summoning Japanese lesbian vomit videos? Its for a friend. what you're looking for is a scrying crystal https://www.aliexpress.com/popular/scrying-crystal.html
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Feb 24, 2017 04:42
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Rutibex posted:what you're looking for is a scrying crystal Thanks rube-dawg, keep it skeezy my neezy
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Feb 24, 2017 05:00
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JiveHonky posted:Anyone got a good spell for summoning Japanese lesbian vomit videos? Its for a friend. Open google webpage. Type "pornography" into search bar. Your welcome. 
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Feb 24, 2017 05:03
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ClamdestineBoyster posted:Open google webpage. Type "pornography" into search bar. Your welcome. My Palantir doesn't have that setting, you fool. I only use open-source scrying orbs...
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Feb 24, 2017 05:17
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VendaGoat posted:Who wants to get in with me on the ground floor of my new business idea? A good succubus can keep its I'm in. The good thing about Keeping The Laws and not running roughshod over all the stupid peasants is that there are plenty to go around and no one misses them if a couple mysteriously go missing. Nobody suspects the "true neutral" wizard...
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Feb 28, 2017 03:10
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Help my corners are all wrong! I think I hosed up the sigil in the last ritual I did. It failed, I thought. But maybe I did summon something but it's hiding in the corners are wrong and the lights aren't casting shadows on anything the right way anymore
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Feb 28, 2017 03:23
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Have you tried turning the sigil off and turning it back on?
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Feb 28, 2017 03:26
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GenericOverusedName posted:Help my corners are all wrong! I warned you about The Laws, bro! I told you, dog!
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Feb 28, 2017 05:01
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GenericOverusedName posted:Help my corners are all wrong! Is there a dark sense of foreboding upon your abode (as if the heart of the very dark is come alive) and you fear the color purple? That's probably KEVIN, tell him he still owes me $50 bucks
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Feb 28, 2017 05:07
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all magic is evil, right? stop pretending 'non-evil' wizards. all magic is evil.
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Feb 28, 2017 05:14
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key party favors posted:all magic is evil, right? stop pretending 'non-evil' wizards. all magic is evil. I am sorry, no matter how much you wish it your "Summon adorable puppy" spell does not make you evil.
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Feb 28, 2017 05:17
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key party favors posted:all magic is evil, right? stop pretending 'non-evil' wizards. all magic is evil. Hello Cleric. Step the gently caress off your ivory tower for a minute, will you?
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Feb 28, 2017 05:26
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key party favors posted:all magic is evil, right? stop pretending 'non-evil' wizards. all magic is evil. Uh, no? Lol here maybe this will help: 
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Feb 28, 2017 06:00
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anyone have a good spell make my wife pretty?
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Feb 28, 2017 06:12
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JiveHonky posted:anyone have a good spell make my wife pretty?  Sure thing.
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Feb 28, 2017 06:17
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I was going to say 'Thank you for this" but goddamn...you start getting above 1k ccs and those start turning ugly fast.
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Feb 28, 2017 06:41
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Johnny Aztec posted:I was going to say 'Thank you for this" but goddamn...you start getting above 1k ccs and those start turning ugly fast. Que sera, sera.
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Feb 28, 2017 06:55
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Hey all, Paladin here again. Need some advice on subjugating an intelligent artifact to our will. See, a couple days ago we executed a high-level warlock for high treason and indecent exposure, and we were going to auction off all his stuff but his spellbook won't stop screaming about how it "will only serve the scion of Nyarlathotep" and all kinds of terrible things it'll do to anyone else who opens it. It's getting kind of annoying, especially since I sleep like right across from the storage room. In case anyone is concerned, the guy didn't actually have any relation to Nyarlathotep, he just kinda claims to so people respect him more. We checked.
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Feb 28, 2017 23:05
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vcvcvc12 posted:Hey all, Paladin here again. Need some advice on subjugating an intelligent artifact to our will. Isn't consorting with evil spellcasters a danger to your exalted holy status or at least frowned upon by your deity? Shouldn't you be destroying these articles of damnation in your god's name? You're not really a Paladin are you? You're an estate salesman.
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Feb 28, 2017 23:14
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vcvcvc12 posted:Hey all, Paladin here again. Need some advice on subjugating an intelligent artifact to our will. use an illusion spell to trick the book into thinking your its owner. if he is as lovely a mage as you say i doubt the thing has Trueseeing
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Feb 28, 2017 23:15
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VendaGoat posted:Hello Cleric. who're you calling cleric? How dare you. Haven't you ever read The Litanies of The Sunken Stars!? You've probably read my blacktongue to wizard-english translation! That's it, I'm getting out my dark sextant just as soon as the moon's cusp is in the house of The Lost Tomb of Malevolence I'm going to channel some really nasty dark energies! Just you wait buddy! Everything you'll eat will taste like celery! THE NERVE!
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Feb 28, 2017 23:18
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Automatic Slim posted:Isn't consorting with evil spellcasters a danger to your exalted holy status or at least frowned upon by your deity? Shouldn't you be destroying these articles of damnation in your god's name? You're not really a Paladin are you? You're an estate salesman. I dunno, there seem to be a few non-evil wizards here. As for destroying the book, don't tell anyone but we're kinda worried it might actually be able to do what it claims and we were kind of hoping to offload it onto an actual evil wizard so he has to deal with the consequences.
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Mar 1, 2017 00:01
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vcvcvc12 posted:I dunno, there seem to be a few non-evil wizards here. Don't ask me I'm just a humble alchemist *kicks trap door shut onto skeleton hand trying to reach out of my pit of former victims, whistling innocuously*
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Mar 1, 2017 00:39
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