Serephina posted:

I feel that entire thing smacks of internalized misogyny - the bride thinks it's the woman's place to clean, so of course it's 100% ok to grab female family members and tell them to 'get to' and work during a social event while others mingle. I've seen it in some extended families' events where it's just assumed the womanfolk can take care of the kids and cleaning.

quote:

My boyfriend of 10 years (we'll call him A) had an open relationship (on my end - I know, lopsided to begin with) for several years, until recently. I had several hook-ups within this span of time - and I never had become emotionally involved until the last, most recent hook-up (we'll call him D). I had known him from when we both volunteered at a co-op years ago. At that time, I felt attracted to him, but didn't think much of it.

From the beginning of our recent interactions, I threw all caution to the wind. He came into the store, about two or three weeks after we first talked and he gave me a necklace and I gave him a hug - and that's where I seem to have lost any sort of rational behavior. For about the next month and a half, we were in pretty regular contact with each other. We hung out three times - first we went for a hike, second time I stayed overnight at his place, and third, we hung out for an evening (Solstice evening). During this time, we definitely connected and we both fell in love. He warned me that he had been hurt badly in the past, from his mom and other women... and hoped I wasn't out there to break hearts.

Meanwhile, A and I were having seasonal problems (winter is tough to survive in the PNW...) - and my increasing amount of feelings for D didn't help. I started to become resistant to A's affection and care for me and lied to him about my relationship with D.

It is important to note that (obviously) lying is already bad enough - but throughout our whole relationship, A has had trouble trusting me in general, just because he has had a history of women lying to him and putting him through terrible situations - from his mom to his ex before me. The first lie came about when A requested I stop talking to D. I told him I texted D to tell him we couldn't talk anymore - but still totally meaning to keep lines of communication with him open. About a week or so later, A and I were arguing, and I admitted I was still talking with D. A few days later, A requested to see the texts, but at that point, I had deleted them... and I was still talking with D. This led to a week-long "break" where we slept in different houses. I told A I needed space from him and I slowly stopped communicating with D as well. After the week, A and I moved back in together and I broke up with D, effectively breaking his heart, just like I told him I wasn't out to do. We had a rough phone conversation - he told me he felt lied to and betrayed - but he said he'd wait for me.

The last 6-7 weeks have been pretty shaky for A's and my relationship, as well as for myself - dealing with emotions and the fact I don't really know myself anymore - and perhaps never did, since I never thought I was capable of these actions.

Last night I had a weak point and looked D up on Facebook and was thinking about him a lot. I miss him, but more so, I feel extremely guilty about what I did to him. This morning, A looked at my computer's history to find a website I was looking at to potentially buy me a gift, and saw my looking at D's facebook page, as well as some other articles about finding soulmates and being in love with two people at once.

I've held in the truth about still having feelings for D - after A has asked me over the past weeks (and I could have willingly provided this information, effectively avoiding the current problem...). I'm not proud of any of this and regret it all. I feel intensely guilty about putting both of these men through what they've not deserved in the least, although my attention is now focused where it should always have been - on A. He doesn't think he can trust me anymore, doesn't think I care about him. He's lost patience with me.
tl;dr: Had an open relationship with partner (who already has trust issues) of 10 years, fell in love with older man (who also had issues with women) and lied about my feelings to both men.

Moving forth, how can I fix this? Is there any fixing to be had? How can I be more forthcoming with my emotions about these things?

quote:

It's not an open relationship if you lie about it. It's just cheating.

quote:

He cheated, but my behavior was worse: I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 10 years. We have a great relationship with normal ups and downs over the years. I’ve recently suspected he might be cheating, but after searching his phone (I know, I’m sorry), I couldn’t find any evidence. I confronted him with it and he denied it. Well, after coming home from an annual OB-GYN appointment, I cried to him that I was diagnosed with herpes. I was so upset and again brought up his potential cheating, as it’s the only way I could have gotten an STD. He broke down, admitted to an infidelity, and was devastated he gave it to me. We’ve done some real work and are back on track. But: I made it all up. I was never diagnosed but thought the lie would get him to confess. It did! And I feel awful. Am I a monster? I feel my transgression was almost worse than his. How do I move on?

La Brea Carpet posted:

Insecurity is a toxic drug

Danaru posted:

Lady, he gave you the herp, unless you shot a family member of his, no your transgression was not worse

Danaru posted:

Lady, he gave you the herp, unless you shot a family member of his, no your transgression was not worse

quote:

But: I made it all up.

A Wizard of Goatse posted:

the toilet sniffer and Permanently making GBS threads Man

quote:

I [28M] am extremely interested in my co-worker [26F]Personal issues
submitted an hour ago by 1vqoror874f9pg1h79fu

As a short bit of background, I'm a fairly average looking, moderately successful guy in my mid-20's who's never had a problem finding girlfriends, but constantly feeling like I'm unable to get THE girl that I'm really interested in. I've met about three women at various stages of my life that I felt were absolutely everything I was looking for, and though I had short flings with a few of them, I've never been able to get it to become something more.

Enter co-worker, about a year ago, who is honestly the most attractive person I've ever met in pretty much every way. We're part of the same team at work, and fairly good friends outside of work, but mostly in a group setting - very platonic. I'm not exactly naive enough to think it'd be a good idea for something to happen, (nor do I think she's interested) but it doesn't stop me from thinking about it quite a bit, to the point where I've become somewhat infatuated with her. Nothing crazy, just trouble focusing at work, and jealousy at the attention she gets from other male co-workers (which is quite a lot). It's gotten to the point where I'm relieved when one of us is out of office.

I've dated (mostly Tinder) throughout this time and had some success, but mostly find myself wondering why it can't be her. In the past, I've gotten past these "crushes" by simply not seeing them and moving on, but that's not really an option here. I've considered trying to switch departments or even jobs, but I'm extremely happy with my position, have a great manager and co-workers, and am treated very well. In short, it seems like a lot to give up. That said, if anything things are getting worse.

Just writing this out I feel like I'm being melodramatic, but for whatever reason she really has a hold on me. Seems like my only real option is just getting over it, but that's exactly what I'm struggling to do. Any advice?

tl;dr: Need some advice on getting over someone I have to see pretty much every day

quote:

A year ago, I [27F] broke up with my lying boyfriend [27M]. Today, I found out that everyone else was lying and he was being truthful.◉ Locked Post ◉
5,494 points 632 comments submitted 1 year ago by ohcr4p to r/relationships

A year ago, I was about to move in with my first serious boyfriend (Josh), with whom I was head over heels in love, when one of my closest friends said that Josh had shown them a nude photo of me on his phone when he was drunk during a party. Five or six more of my friends corroborated the story and told me that Josh also talked in extreme detail about our sex life when showing the photo. It was sickeningly detailed.

This did not sound at all like Josh. When I asked him what the gently caress was going on, he denied everything. He eventually got very angry and started calling all of my friends liars. At one point, he showed up at my place while some of them were visiting and things got a little physical. It was really a very strange turn of events in my life.

Josh seemed so worked up and all of my close friends were calling him a liar. Josh had taken photos of me on his phone (which I know was stupid but heat of the moment and everything). So I trusted my friends and I broke up with Josh. It was heart wrenching. Josh begged me to believe him. He started tearing up, nearly punched the wall, and left angrily. I was really grossed out at the time and felt super conflicted.

A few months later, I started dating one of the friends (Alex) who had told me about Josh showing everyone the photo. All of my friends were pushing me to date Alex at the time. We didn't really sync and it didn't go past a few months, but we remain friends of sorts.

So today, another friend sends me a message that says he just wanted to get something off his chest. The story about Josh wasn't true and were really trying to get me to date Alex, so they made up that story about Josh. After talking to a few of the other people, including Alex, it's all come out that they were lying. It was this loving orchestrated bullshit event that totally changed my life forever. Apparently, they hated Josh and thought he was bad for me and an rear end in a top hat. That was my loving decision. I'm shaking right now.

I cried in the office bathroom for about two hours afterwards. I loved Josh so much. We were planning a life together. And I've been friends with that group since high school. What the gently caress?

I guess I'm supposed to stop talking to my "friends" right? I cannot possibly come back from this and still talk to them, right? This basically nukes my group of friends. But how could I ever even look at them again?

Also, I need closure with Josh. Can I call him? Should I call him? Should I unblock him on Facebook and message him? What do I do?
tl;dr: My friends are pieces of poo poo and lied to me about my boyfriend. I trusted my friends and broke up with him. I even started dating one of the friends.

Pick posted:

Pick posted:

froward posted:

I read this thread when I come home and when I'm bored at work, and I'm still somehow back on page 618. If it continues to be Mirthless screeching about how right he is constantly, I may just give up.

quote:

My boyfriend [25 M] is going to propose to me [24 F] soon, but I have a MASSIVE secret that I've hidden from him.◉ Locked Post ◉
1,302 points 462 comments submitted 2 years ago by throwawayliar2 to r/relationships

Using a throwaway because he is a redditor, with some identifying info left out and few timeline details smudged to stay anonymous. This is a hugely emotional story for me and I am crying as I write this, many of the details I have kept secret for years now and have not told a soul. This is a story where I am unquestionably in the wrong, and I've known it for years.

So first off, we have an amazing relationship! I love him more than I can ever hope to describe, and want to spend the rest of my life with him, eventually have kids and grow old together. Other than this (admittedly huge) thing I have no reservations after over 6 years together.

So for a little backstory, I have stereotypical asian parents where success and results in school were extremely important from an early age. I realized in middle school that if I didn't tell them about bad grades then I wouldn't feel the shame of disappointing them. I developed a slacker attitude through high school but managed to do well enough (through smart laziness) to get into the university I wanted to study engineering (sorry for being vague). The summer after our high school graduation is when we started dating. At this point I left to college and he stayed back in our hometown to take classes in community college. We were able to continue our relationship semi-long distance (my dorm was less than a 2 hour drive away, and we took turns visiting each other nearly every weekend)

Now through a series of non-relevant poor decisions on my part (resulting from the extreme I developed in high school) I did poorly in school and was put on academic probation. I ended up moving back home for a year taking classes at the community college. I was terribly depressed and did poorly but lied to my parents that I did well and ended up telling my boyfriend this as well (my justification at the time was that I did not want him to have to cover for me). In hindsight, this is unfortunately where my spiral of lying about my education became a habit. At the end of the year his application to transfer and my application to resume school is accepted for the fall semester, and we both move (separately, I would have liked to move in with him but knew my parents would never allow it) to the town where the university is located. To be able to continue at school after this semester, I would have needed to get good enough grades to pull my gpa out of the gutter or else be academically suspended (due to the damage I had done to it in my original first semester).

At this point I had resolved to kill myself if I couldn't get through to the next semester. I do amazing in my degree classes but end up ignoring my other classes because I am not interested in them, despite what is at stake. I end up doing better than my first semester, but not good enough to prevent an academic suspension. I am through, I will not be able to continue school in the fall. My habit kicks in and I smile and tell everyone that I did well as I am wondering to myself how I will kill myself. Over the summer though I find that he is my reason to live, that I could never kill myself because I know it would hurt him so deeply. I pretend that summer will never end, that I will never have to deal with the reality that I have failed out of school.

Much to my surprise, near the end of summer I get a move in packet for the university owned apartments that I had stayed in last semester and had planned to move back into for the next school year. It is a condition on the lease to stay in these apartments that you must have a minimum of 12 credit hours at the university to live there but due to some fluke they did not know that I would not be taking classes due to my suspension. I have not told anyone about my suspension so the path of least resistance is to move back into the apartments. I devise an elaborate lie to my parents about how I wish to pay my own tuition (through loans) so that they can afford to put my sister through school next year. They are so proud of me! I die a little on the inside knowing what I'm doing.

The next two years are amazing for me and my SO! Because I don't actually have any classes to attend or homework to do, I am able to spend a lot of time with him. Much more time that would be possible otherwise, especially with me supposedly in a tough engineering program, but he doesn't notice, we are madly in love! Despite my laziness and terrible work ethic, I am actually very good at math and tutor him through both calculus and physics. Due to feeling useful in some way as well as significantly helping someone I deeply love, I slowly get over my self loathing and can view myself as something other than the useless pile of nothing that I previously thought I was. I brush off questions of how my own classes are going with the lies I've been telling for over a decade at this point. "I'm doing well!" "I got an A- on my midterm!" "Homework was long, but I'm done now!"

I have only vague plans for how I will end the lie at this point, I tell myself that I will work up the courage to tell my parents I am failing and will be quitting school. But as time goes on, I just keep telling the small lies that my education is going well. Then after Christmas disaster strikes out of the blue, the apartment manager has found out that I am not enrolled in classes! I realize though after speaking with him that he cannot see my transcript, but only my current enrollment status. I lie to him and say that it was last semester that I had difficulty and that I am in the process of enrolling in night classes to repair my gpa (there is a clause in the lease allowing for this). I enroll in night classes but have no motivation to take classes that won't count towards my degree (selection is very limited), and realize that this is only a temporary solution. I realize my only way out of this is to move out of these apartments, and seeing as our relationship is now almost 4 years old I decide with my boyfriend to move in with him in a new apartment of our own next semester. For the first time in my life, I openly defy the wishes of my parents and tell them that I am moving in with him.

They complain, worry about how it will go, but because I have decided to get a job to pay my half of the rent they cannot stop me. For the first time in my life my own desires have won out over my parents! At this point, I am ready to end my college charade but I come to a horrifying truth. My previous exit plan for the lie (to fake a later dropout) will now make my parents hate my SO. They will think that it is his fault. I am also too scared to expose the lie as well because I know he will be disappointing. I have been lying to him too, both to prevent him from having to lie for me to others. Up to this point though it has only been a huge amount of small lies about being in class, or how I was doing in school. I know in the back of my head that I will have to lie more, but I ignore the thought. We move in together, it is a wonderful summer!

This is the part I am most ashamed about. The fall semester starts and I now have to lie to him more than my parents. I come up with a fake schedule and make sure to be out of our apartment at these times every week, and somehow I am still able to get a campus meal plan so we eat lunch on campus daily. I pretend my old textbooks are new and keep a binder full of old tests. His major isn't engineering, he can't tell the difference and doesn't suspect anything. The lies are too easy. We have a wonderful year living together, and connect at a deeper level that I even previously thought possible! He eventually graduates, and I notice some holes in the process and realize that I can easily fake my own graduation next year. We stay in the same apartment while I "finish school" and he gets a job. "My graduation" comes around; I buy the robes, the cap, the tassel, graduation announcements, etc. There are too many students for them to do any personal ceremony, you just sit through the ceremony and then walk on stage and hand them your card and they read your name and degree from the card. My whole family comes, as well as his, we have all become very close at this point. His mother even spent thanksgiving with our family! (His parents are divorced). I have prepared a fake card using his from the last year, the announcer reads it. Who would suspect that I did not actually graduate, when there is video evidence of me on stage shaking the dean's hand! I walk off the stage with my empty diploma cover (actual diplomas are mailed later), we celebrate, everyone is so proud of me. I almost believe it myself that I've graduated.

And now we get to now. We have moved and we both have great jobs (I have managed to get a good job without a degree, and have fudged the details to friends/family that the reason I have a job that doesn't match my degree is that I enjoy it more.). But we've been talking lately, about our future. We put off any specifics until after my graduation but now that its past we've gotten the serious talk out of the way, I know its coming soon and when he asks I will be saying yes! But my big lie weighs on me. Other than the big lie, the most I've ever lied to him was the various white lies we tell to everyone we know. I've made a point of it, I feel too guilty from the big one, and I know how hard it would be to stop if I started. The guilt is bad, and I think if I told him he might even understand and we could still have a future together! Even if it was the end of our relationship, I am a stronger person that I once was. Even if it is too much for our relationship, I know I wouldn't want to kill myself out of shame like I had wanted to in the past. Those days are over.

But if my family finds out, they won't understand. It will destroy what I now have with them, what they have with him. And if I tell him, either they find out too or he becomes part of the lie. I don't want to put him through that, either option. The easy to choice is to take this secret, my big secret lie, to the grave. Because of my chosen career path, I don't think it will ever come up that I lack the degree, my employers know that I have "partial college". It would be so easy to keep that fact in the dark. But even though our amazing relationship is otherwise free of lies, I feel so wrong knowing that this huge one exists. I feel cornered between hurting someone no matter what I do.
Here is a summary of what I feel my choices are:

Choice 1: Come clean to him first, and then the rest of my family.

Result: Either we split, or my family disowns me because I have lied to them so thoroughly for so long. I lied to their faces to keep the deception and I am forever a disappointment to them. Both our lives are torn apart even if our relationship survives.

Choice 2: Come clean to him, and swear him to secrecy.

Result: Either we split, or I have now made him lie forever tainting our relationship. This is a choice I refuse to take

Choice 3: I tell no one and hope that it never comes to light.

Result: I feel guilty for years, but gradually maybe the guilt fades. If the lie comes out it could be even worse, especially if we have kids when it does.

I just don't know what to do... I know that I am in the wrong here, and I hope that not too many people dwell on that I would change the past if I could but that is impossible. I just don't know what to do. Do I come clean and destroy what we have? Or do I take the easy path, and continue the path I've been on for years?

zakharov posted:

I'm addicted to wedding disaster stories

(FH = future husband, FSIL = future sister in law)


Sure your future in-laws are basically your slaves on your wedding day, why not

Pick posted:

she needs to go gently caress someone with the herp ASAP and then gently caress him a lot to cover her tracks . . .

Khorne posted:

I mean, she can call Josh and talk about it. No one knows how it will go. But she shouldn't be surprised if he has moved on.

I'd also ditch the poo poo out of those friends. Except maybe the person who came clean. But given the ages, I'd probably ditch that person too. If they were 19 or 20 or something I'd consider it them doing something dumb and then growing up.

Pick posted:

Pick posted:

Pick posted:

Pick posted:

Gaunab posted:

You're going to go through a patch where people start talking about punching dogs and it is immediately unfunny.

Pvt.Scott posted:

Put that gamer in a room with no electronics for a month to detox. Slide a crossword puzzle, a book and some sort of craft project through the feeding slot with every meal.

Themata posted:

My (27m) girlfriend (26f) of 3 years called the cops on my brother for driving drunk. My family is furious.


Only one thing you can do - team up with Grace and

Fullhouse posted:

if dude is pooping 6 times a day he's not passing anything "solid" unless he's 400 pounds

Punkin Spunkin posted:

Sorry but snitches get stitches

Also punching dogs isn't "funny" or "unfunny", it's a solemn duty

Mirthless posted:

you know who else gets stitches? people who get mangled in horrible accidents by drunk drivers. she could have been saving somebody's life.