/r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > /r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

«‹›6020 »

Captain Lavender: Oct 21, 2010; verb the adjective noun

54 40 or gently caress posted:

Wanna see those comments

Captain Lavender fucked around with this message at 00:53 on Apr 8, 2017

# ? Apr 8, 2017 00:50

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Jun 3, 2024 10:55

goethe.cx: Apr 23, 2014

source???

I [35 F] can't talk to my SO [35 M] of 2 yrs without citing sources for every claim I make

quote:

Dear Reddit,

Sorry, long read, but I need help. I�m living together with a wonderful, intelligent man with a great sense of humour.

However, there are some things so seriously wrong in the way we interact, that if they�re not resolved, I don�t think we have a future. I don�t want to break up: I love him and think we�re (mostly) great together.

But. He�s either spent too much time on Reddit, or just naturally has a very science/ data oriented mind, probably a combination of both. As a result, he won�t believe anything unless he himself has confirmed it, or has been provided with sources as proof.

Example (and this may not sound like much, but in the long line of things he�s refused to believe, it�s just the latest): he was going on a trip and was looking at transport to the station. I had just the previous day returned from the same station. He comes and says he has to change the underground twice. I said that once is enough and explained what I�d done. He barely lets me finish and just says that the travel planner told him to change twice, so that�s what he�s going to do. Which is fine, up to him.

After five minutes, he comes back and *explains to me* the travel option that requires changing underground only once. I couldn�t help but say, �Yeah, that�s what I tried telling�. He gets upset that I�m accusing him of not believing me, and eventually starts shouting and doesn�t get the irony of saying �it�s not that I don�t believe you � I just wanted to *verify*� in the same sentence. And I get it, when travelling, maybe you want to check for yourself, but the fact that he doesn�t even *admit* that I was trying to give him that information, or that I was right, is very frustrating.

This happens all the time: whether it�s travel info, thermodynamics, best route to take, how things are cooked, whether white rice is good for you, what I read on the internet � if it comes from me, it is not believed. Sure, having sources is great in general, and I do like the fact that if neither one of us knows something, he will look it up and pass on to me, too.

But always backing every single claim you make in casual conversation with sources is tedious, and I find it insulting and degrading. He, of course, is not required to provide sources for his *doubts*: it is always me who should be able to quote scientific articles to back up my claims. (I�m getting so angry just writing this!) As a result, I�ve started talking to him less, can�t be bothered to even try and make a point or tell interesting stuff, and definitely will not ever attempt to correct him if I think he�s wrong.

The other thing is that when he is stressed, he is completely incapable of empathy (side note: this is actually not that uncommon, particularly in men, but funnily enough, I can�t find the link right now). Unfortunately, the hurt or discomfort of his loved ones makes him very stressed, if he wasn�t already. That means that if e.g. I break my arm, or complain that I�m going insane at work, he attacks me, tells me he can�t deal, that it�s all too much, that I shouldn�t have talked about it when he is already stressed about work.

Basically he has told me not to tell him I have problems, if he is stressed and has repeatedly *scolded* me for causing him extra stress with my worries. I'm trying not to load my stuff on him, I'm trying to be considerate to when I can tell he's tired, but I just don't know how to always be careful about his moods at moments when I'm feeling in need of support too.

I cannot deal with this anymore. It�s turning me into a tired, scared, cornered mouse, and we�re drifting apart because I am too tired to address these issues for fear of being attacked and told that I�m wrong (, which is repeated until I give in and apologise (days, if needed)).

He is not a bad man. He can be very caring, when he has the mental/ emotional space for it. Unfortunately my daily life and troubles don�t always follow his convenience. He is great to talk to and knows a lot about many things. In that I think we complement each other, because we�re from different fields and could give each other insight into different *sciences*.

This, of course, is just my side of the story. I�m not perfect either. I�m prone to depression and anxiety (yes, diagnosed), I�ve had serious health issues in the past year (all sorted), which doesn�t exactly make one jolly and cheery. I worry whether I�m loved, understood, respected, appreciated and can get a bit passive-aggressive. It feels like this relationship is only highlighting my own issues, not helping me grow and get better at dealing with them.

To be able to be in this relationship and make it work, I think we would need to go to counselling or do something similar at home. But I�m afraid he won�t hear out my suggestions.

This is where the help comes in: would you know of any scientifically proved or data backed methods of couple�s therapy that we could try at home, or keywords to look for in a counsellor (if possible, links please)? Any ideas on how to improve our communication and interaction? Anything I can do?

Also, I�m just starting CBT for the depression and anxiety, so if you think there�s something here that I should particularly address in therapy, or questions to ask the counsellor, I�d love to hear.

**TL;DR**: SO requires sources for everything and can be compassionate only when perfectly relaxed. Ideas on how to deal?

**Edit**: Thank you so much to everyone who's commented so far! It's been really helpful and I appreciate the support. I'm not able to reply to all, but have read all comments, and will keep on reading, so do continue. I'll try and collect the best ones to some kind of a note for myself to support me in a serious discussion with BF (probably over the weekend), and will look into the therapies suggested and books recommended.

It's been really good and empowering to hear that: it's not all just in my head and I am not mad, and that this is serious enough to 'warrant' a breakup. However this goes, I am feeling more hopeful about the future - whether it's with him or without.

# ? Apr 8, 2017 00:51

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

Koyaanisgoatse posted:

source???

I [35 F] can't talk to my SO [35 M] of 2 yrs without citing sources for every claim I make

Oh my god, Hugh's been cheating on me this whole time!!

# ? Apr 8, 2017 00:58

Anagram of GINGER: Oct 3, 2014; by Smythe

ArbitraryC posted:

I dated a girl with rabbits and they're basically like hamsters that take up way more space and require way more maintenance. They're cute tho and it's nice to pet them when you give em fresh leafy greens so I can't see why you'd have an issue with them but as far as pets go I wouldn't actively recommend them.

e: getting a pet in a relationship that not both people are in on is 100% a dealbreaker tho, don't do that

How does unwanted pets rank against claiming gay as a breakup catalyst?

For the sake of discussion let's make it four rabbits

# ? Apr 8, 2017 00:59

Panfilo: Aug 27, 2011; Can't post for 9 days!

Elsa posted:

How does unwanted pets rank against claiming gay as a breakup catalyst?

For the sake of discussion let's make it four rabbits

4 rabbits=2 rescued, sick ferrets=1 pregnancy prank

# ? Apr 8, 2017 01:34

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO: Feb 28, 1985

Koyaanisgoatse posted:

when he is stressed, he is completely incapable of empathy (side note: this is actually not that uncommon, particularly in men,

That's total bullshit in my experience.

# ? Apr 8, 2017 01:37

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

seriously though, that's aspergers.txt and lady, it never gets better

# ? Apr 8, 2017 01:39

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO: Feb 28, 1985

*rainman theme plays*

# ? Apr 8, 2017 01:43

goethe.cx: Apr 23, 2014

Pick posted:

Oh my god, Hugh's been cheating on me this whole time!!

is that your man friend in the wheelchair? i keep seeing this referenced but i have no idea what the story is

# ? Apr 8, 2017 01:48

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

Koyaanisgoatse posted:

is that your man friend in the wheelchair? i keep seeing this referenced but i have no idea what the story is

aye

# ? Apr 8, 2017 01:50

Batterypowered7: Aug 8, 2009; The mist that chills you keeps me warm.

Pick posted:

aye

Is he also the one Trop hates and the one you made the $100 gift thread about, or is that another garbage friend?

# ? Apr 8, 2017 01:58

boner confessor: Apr 25, 2013; by R. Guyovich

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO posted:

*rainman theme plays*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3sXQoGcMN1U

# ? Apr 8, 2017 02:02

VanSandman: Feb 16, 2011; SWAP.AVI EXCHANGER

Pick posted:

seriously though, that's aspergers.txt and lady, it never gets better

It can if they want it to. I know a guy with the sperg who worked on empathy and got it, for the most part.

# ? Apr 8, 2017 02:23

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

Batterypowered7 posted:

Is he also the one Trop hates and the one you made the $100 gift thread about, or is that another garbage friend?

Same one.

# ? Apr 8, 2017 02:49

Blue Train: Jun 17, 2012

Pick posted:

Is cheating really this common? Blows my mind.

It's common enough that I can exclusively date women in relationships

# ? Apr 8, 2017 03:19

Gumbel2Gumbel: Apr 28, 2010

Blue Train posted:

It's common enough that I can exclusively date women in relationships

Yeah but that poo poo's easy, if you go after a single girl you have to be better than every other guy out there, if you go after a girl in a relationship you only have to be better than one man

# ? Apr 8, 2017 03:21

Blue Train: Jun 17, 2012

Gumbel2Gumbel posted:

Yeah but that poo poo's easy, if you go after a single girl you have to be better than every other guy out there, if you go after a girl in a relationship you only have to be better than one man

I hate commitment and remembering birthdays and anniversaries and poo poo

# ? Apr 8, 2017 03:25

Tiny Deer: Jan 16, 2012

Gumbel2Gumbel posted:

Yeah but that poo poo's easy, if you go after a single girl you have to be better than every other guy out there, if you go after a girl in a relationship you only have to be better than one man

That's...a better explanation of why people do that than I've ever heard before.

# ? Apr 8, 2017 03:30

Anagram of GINGER: Oct 3, 2014; by Smythe

Uh. That and loving boredom is on your side.

# ? Apr 8, 2017 03:33

Anagram of GINGER: Oct 3, 2014; by Smythe

The single most sure aspect of familiarity in the Universe.

# ? Apr 8, 2017 03:34

Blue Train: Jun 17, 2012

Elsa posted:

Uh. That and loving boredom is on your side.

Definitely

# ? Apr 8, 2017 03:36

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO: Feb 28, 1985

I can't shake the feeling that people that cheat either way are super lovely. I'm sure there's some new age argument why that isn't so, but I don't care.

# ? Apr 8, 2017 03:37

Anagram of GINGER: Oct 3, 2014; by Smythe

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO posted:

I can't shake the feeling that people that cheat either way are super lovely. I'm sure there's some new age argument why that isn't so, but I don't care.

I'm getting sucked into this right now so I think it's time for a comic.

# ? Apr 8, 2017 03:39

Tiny Deer: Jan 16, 2012

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO posted:

I can't shake the feeling that people that cheat either way are super lovely. I'm sure there's some new age argument why that isn't so, but I don't care.

That's kinkshaming, and it's illegal now.

# ? Apr 8, 2017 03:40

Blue Train: Jun 17, 2012

I'm a lovely person in lots more ways than that

# ? Apr 8, 2017 03:40

Blue Train: Jun 17, 2012

But I will offer you a hint if you do not want your spouse to cheat on you, listen to them and pay them attention or else they will find someone who does

# ? Apr 8, 2017 03:41

Anagram of GINGER: Oct 3, 2014; by Smythe

Blue Train posted:

But I will offer you a hint if you do not want your spouse to cheat on you, listen to them and pay them attention or else they will find someone who does

That makes you a pushover and will also get you cheated on

# ? Apr 8, 2017 03:43

Anagram of GINGER: Oct 3, 2014; by Smythe

I'm working on a comic right now please don't probate me Troposphere

# ? Apr 8, 2017 03:44

Tiny Deer: Jan 16, 2012

Elsa go draw a comic.

# ? Apr 8, 2017 03:44

Turtlicious: Sep 17, 2012; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

If you want to gently caress other dudes or sleep around that's fight, just leave the relationship first, don't lie about it.

# ? Apr 8, 2017 03:53

Blue Train: Jun 17, 2012

sometimes the relationship is good and you just want something different for a while

# ? Apr 8, 2017 03:59

dads friend steve: Dec 24, 2004

Blue Train posted:

sometimes the relationship is good and you just want something different for a while

That's why opening up the relationship always works out. Just trying something different for a bit nbd

# ? Apr 8, 2017 04:02

Anagram of GINGER: Oct 3, 2014; by Smythe

p rude posted:

That's why opening up the relationship always works out. Just trying something different for a bit nbd

On your deathbed it's not the decisions you made that you regret. It's the dick you didn't take.

# ? Apr 8, 2017 04:09

Blue Train: Jun 17, 2012

p rude posted:

That's why opening up the relationship always works out. Just trying something different for a bit nbd

a key part of what makes it work is the other party not knowing

# ? Apr 8, 2017 04:12

Gumbel2Gumbel: Apr 28, 2010

Elsa posted:

On your deathbed it's not the decisions you made that you regret. It's the dick you didn't take.

~Michael Jordan

# ? Apr 8, 2017 04:13

lock stock and Cheryl: Dec 19, 2009; by zen death robot

re: cheating, I cheated and was cheated on in every monogamous, (ostensibly) straight, pre-transition relationship. In all cases, my partner cheated on me before I cheated on them, and I did not find out that they cheated on me until after the relationship ended (so there was no retaliatory thing going on). poo poo was bananas. In most cases, the cheating occurred with a mutual friend.

Then I transitioned and dealt with my queer stuff and found out that compulsory monogamy was bullshit and there were a million great poly people out there. The end.

# ? Apr 8, 2017 04:21

chernobyl kinsman: Mar 18, 2007; a friend of the friendly atom; Soiled Meat

Elsa posted:

That makes you a pushover and will also get you cheated on

you also need to gently caress good

# ? Apr 8, 2017 04:21

ArbitraryC: Jan 28, 2009; Pick a number, any number; Pillbug

Blue Train posted:

But I will offer you a hint if you do not want your spouse to cheat on you, listen to them and pay them attention or else they will find someone who does

I think it's sorta inappropriate to blame the people who got cheated on, if you're unhappy in your relationship you can always just end it.

# ? Apr 8, 2017 04:43

Panfilo: Aug 27, 2011; Can't post for 9 days!

ArbitraryC posted:

I think it's sorta inappropriate to blame the people who got cheated on, if you're unhappy in your relationship you can always just end it.

People are irrational and prone to denial. It's easy to tell people to :sever:

but much harder to do it. And people that can sever so quickly and easily cannot easily trust or get close to people.

# ? Apr 8, 2017 04:46

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Jun 3, 2024 10:55

Blue Train: Jun 17, 2012

ArbitraryC posted:

I think it's sorta inappropriate to blame the people who got cheated on, if you're unhappy in your relationship you can always just end it.

It's often their fault

# ? Apr 8, 2017 04:47

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > /r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

«‹›6020 »