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*peels off fake beard* actually i've been an evil witch all along, and I got all yer numbers...literally your actual numbers.. lol. peace. *flies away on a broom to the my moon castle*
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Apr 13, 2017 01:41
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naem posted:IS, Bowie IS a master Oops, my bad. You are correct of course.
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Apr 13, 2017 01:41
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key party favors posted:*peels off fake beard* actually i've been an evil witch all along, and I got all yer numbers...literally your actual numbers.. lol. peace. *flies away on a broom to the my moon castle* call me?
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Apr 13, 2017 01:42
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CAPT. Rainbowbeard posted:Oops, my bad. You are correct of course. Trust me you do not want to upset lord Bowie pbuh
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Apr 13, 2017 01:44
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Devils aren't just capital-E Evil, they're jerks, through and through. They have a commitment to petty evil that's admirable in its own way. I'll rip out an orphan's heart to power my dread magics in an instant. A devil will do it because they can. P.S: If anyone wants a pit full of dead noblewomen let me know. I think there's fourteen of them so far. So many drat princesses. They're nearly as thick as these loving birds.
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Apr 13, 2017 01:45
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sneakyfrog posted:call me? nice try... but I'm talking about your ethereal credit rating number, you know.. your sorcerer security numbers... and guess what...I don't care about committing fraud, because I'm a witch, I'll just convert those numbers to hex.
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Apr 13, 2017 01:46
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key party favors posted:nice try... but I'm talking about your ethereal credit rating number, you know.. your sorcerer security numbers... and guess what...I don't care about committing fraud, because I'm a witch, I'll just convert those numbers to hex.  im going to stay an evil wizardfrog forever
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Apr 13, 2017 01:47
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So uhh I bootstrapped a bag of holding's pocket dimension generator into a causality modification device (weekend project after some adventurers died in my lair and kindly left me their loot). The problem is that the constant creation and collapse of alternate planes is starting to erode the local astral barrier and eldritch horrors have started seeping through (actually seeping, I had to mop up some kind of "blood" that kept trying to manifest itself as something in a roiling mass of churning flesh ick). Long story short I set the thing to shunt itself into a causality where it doesn't doesn't erode space time but that feels... too easy? Anyone got a more permanent solution?
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Apr 13, 2017 02:25
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Have Blue posted:So uhh I bootstrapped a bag of holding's pocket dimension generator into a causality modification device (weekend project after some adventurers died in my lair and kindly left me their loot). The problem is that the constant creation and collapse of alternate planes is starting to erode the local astral barrier and eldritch horrors have started seeping through (actually seeping, I had to mop up some kind of "blood" that kept trying to manifest itself as something in a roiling mass of churning flesh ick). I usually just bottle some of that stuff it's worth a fortune
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Apr 13, 2017 02:25
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I could have sworn Bowie was a vampire, I think I read something like that, between the lines of some black grimoire. Can vampires become liches, too? I mean, I'm not judging!
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Apr 13, 2017 13:38
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Goa Tse-tung posted:I could have sworn Bowie was a vampire, I think I read something like that, between the lines of some black grimoire. Why would a Living God debase themselves with vampirism when they can have all the perks with none of the downsides? It's base attitudes like that which drove him to abandon us for a higher plane of existence! And I suppose a vampire could technically become a lich. If anything, they'd certainly have the time to make it happen.
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Apr 13, 2017 14:03
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Goa Tse-tung posted:I could have sworn Bowie was a vampire, I think I read something like that, between the lines of some black grimoire. No, he was an evil bard that used his skills to become rich and later ruled over a kingdom of goblins (don't ask) and later moved on to proper evil wizarding.
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Apr 13, 2017 14:05
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Never cross a bard. Your dickishness will be remembered for all time in song. Especially if they bend the dark forces of reality to their will and thus become immortal.
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Apr 13, 2017 14:11
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The whole point of lichdom is to escape the need for sustenance. Liches have they're phylactery and they're all good. Why would they want to become a blood sucking parasite?
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Apr 13, 2017 14:33
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Automatic Slim posted:The whole point of lichdom is to escape the need for sustenance. Liches have they're phylactery and they're all good. Why would they want to become a blood sucking parasite? no, other way, escape the Hunger For Blood by sacrificing a soul or two I think I'll try it, I'll be the sexiest lich a-unlife
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Apr 13, 2017 14:50
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Lol if you think that'll save your good looks. As soon as you stop drinking the blood of the young, you'll start mummifying and/or decomposing. Just like all the other liches.
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Apr 13, 2017 15:07
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You can also get hit with the Nosferatu strain and end up looking like a freak no matter how many virgins you suck dry. poo poo's not worth it, just bargain with demonic powers or go lich ffs
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Apr 13, 2017 15:59
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There's also technical immorality through scattering copies of yourself across the infinite planes but that gets hella weird. (Also its really hard to do unless you gently caress around with a universe generator, ask me how I know)
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Apr 13, 2017 16:29
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Arkanomen posted:That's an easy problem to fix if you're stuck in the narrative. Just march him back to the nearest temple to his old god, preferably with a good looking cleric girl, and watch as your big standard redemption arc kicks in. He'll be back to trying to smite your landscaping in no time. this sort of worked, or at least got him out of my hovel- the plan with the sexy cleric worked according to m'rash'kataer* but he turned out to be working for this evil god who hates me for really good reasons and he's like a paladin but evil? never figured out how that works out satisfyingly but he's spending a lot of time in useless bloodletting training and getting dumber so tyvm lemme know if you have cauldron problems I started out in cauldron school key party favors posted:*peels off fake beard* actually i've been an evil witch all along, and I got all yer numbers...literally your actual numbers.. lol. peace. *flies away on a broom to the my moon castle* poo poo HOW WILL I COUNT THE HOURS ERE THE DAEMON WAKE IN MINE MIND-WOMB WITHOUT NUMBERS poo poo poo poo poo poo
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Apr 13, 2017 16:32
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Long time evil wizard, first time poster, sort of an embarrassing problem. To start, I think I'm a pretty standard master of darkness. Learned evil ways, killed my mentor, corrupted the land, went lich, rule kingdom of evil with an iron fist. A story we have all heard before. The problem is now I have a really troublesome band of heros after me, and I think the things which control reality itself are assisting them. For starters, every minion or monster I attack them with seems to be of a perfect difficulty for them to overcome and learn from, but not be instantly deadly. I have a squadron of bone dragons, why did they encounter "Harold the mostly horrible" first. Secondly, I feel like I'm in a haze when I meet them. My brain is saying "banish to plane of endless torment" but I suddenly find myself cursing their heroics and then vanishing in a puff of smoke. Anyone have experience dealing with this?
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Apr 13, 2017 18:40
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Double Monocle posted:Long time evil wizard, first time poster, sort of an embarrassing problem. you are clearly dealing with divine influence, get some standard protection from good/evil/neutral spells and permanently cast them around your confront the good guys zone
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Apr 13, 2017 18:44
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Do you always attack by shuffling around in a predictable pattern and right before you do your "super attack" do you pause for two seconds, hands over your head, which exposes the glowing ruby that contains your life essence and is the only way you can be damaged? Because you might be in some trouble here
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Apr 13, 2017 18:59
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Yup, that's a pretty common problem. When working on the material plane you have to understand balance and how going full public super evil for too long causes the pendulum to swing back. Heroic bands suddenly appear using powers way outside mortal means, dependable servants suddenly lose their minds and become useless and the walls of power and fear you've spent ages building start to give way to hope and goodness. Think back to how things were when you got your start and you'll see how it's an opposites thing. This is where a lot of first timers plateau and eventually give up. You're stuck in a material narrative and you have to break it like you broke the neck of your first love. Make it hard, brutal and unexpected. The classic move is to build a massive fortress, fill it with horrors and demons and all those little side projects you left to fester. Make it grand with spikes and moaning spirits, really ham it up, pull out all the stops. In the final chamber leave a senile old man you turned into a lich. Make it look like he has been the one running the show and just lost his mind over the years. You then gently caress off to another plane and watch the heroes just loving faceplant. Sure you'll lose what you built but gently caress it. You're an evil wizard, mortal concerns are beneath you, but if you're really attached just wait a century for things to turn around and then just reappear and start the whole thing over again. It's kinda fun but it gets old after the 600th time.
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Apr 13, 2017 19:28
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naem posted:Do you always attack by shuffling around in a predictable pattern and right before you do your "super attack" do you pause for two seconds, hands over your head, which exposes the glowing ruby that contains your life essence and is the only way you can be damaged? Because you might be in some trouble here To be fair it's not my only life essence gem, but the rest sounds pretty accurate. Am I doing something wrong?
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Apr 13, 2017 19:30
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Double Monocle posted:Long time evil wizard, first time poster, sort of an embarrassing problem. Honestly, in this situation it is best to let them think they have won and that you have been vanquished for all time. Disappear for a few decades and let the now saved kingdom enter a new golden age. Return and before the heroes realize you have begun to regain your power, murder them in front of their children. Let the children escape because their is no way they can ever be a threat to you.
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Apr 13, 2017 20:33
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Double Monocle posted:To be fair it's not my only life essence gem, but the rest sounds pretty accurate. No just make sure you do some good monologuing if any heroes show up, and be ready with one of those "curses you've defeated me- for now!" cut scenes where you turn into swamp gas and float away if you lose too many hit points
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Apr 14, 2017 01:05
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Also guys I'm looking at some evil real estate. What do you think, too obvious? I'll have my skeletons hollow out that whole hillside into a dec sized dungeon and put up want ads to "investigate the haunted treasure of lost mansion" or whatever, and see how many low level adventurers fall through the trap door and get stuck. Come back in a couple of months and the place will be absolutely chock full of fresh adventurer skeletons just watch (I'll just put an actual treasure past the trap door so if some idiot gets past it they don't get too suspicious about my set up. A couple hundred gold and some +1 Pants of the Wolf or whatever)
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Apr 14, 2017 01:14
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I think if you've identified that The Balance is swinging away from you, you're not in a bad spot. It's a good tip off not to burn your powerful resources first. It can be difficult and time-consuming to force it back your way so you may be better served by playing the cosmic narrative to what I call the "mid season finale." It's kind of a crossroads in The Balance where the heroes must make a major sacrifice. Usually it's that one of the grizzled, experienced adventurers dies or a love interest is killed. Supposed to be a low point for the heroes before they regroup and triumph. Being that it is a crossroad moment, though, it's an excellent tool opportunity to seize the initiative. Make some bargains outside the material plane or engineer some kind of covenant with the Unseelie (those dark fae LOVE this kind of stuff and aren't strictly beholden to balance - letter of The Law stuff, not so much the spirit) then execute your non-material deals during this and you can wipe out the heroes.
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Apr 14, 2017 01:16
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on the material I just go with the classic 15'x10' thatch hovel/thousand mile deep akloshaft you get about five, six doors leading to wherever, it's sufficient for cauldron and eating food now and then if I'm feeling frisky- easy to move wherever on the open ley and the mileage is great, like 10k miles/placenta but idk I do the "kindly old man who teaches herb poo poo to twist the minds of villagers" schtick and I still keep a bunch of dungeons around mostly because I think skeletons are as hilarious as they are adorable
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Apr 14, 2017 04:27
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A neat trick I heard about in the local wizard meetup is this new thing called karmic fuckery. You do your normal poo poo like soul stitching and demonic buggering inside your keep, but on the outside you take such good care of your surrounding village that to a god it all looks fairly neutral.
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Apr 14, 2017 05:01
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Arkanomen posted:A neat trick I heard about in the local wizard meetup is this new thing called karmic fuckery. You do your normal poo poo like soul stitching and demonic buggering inside your keep, but on the outside you take such good care of your surrounding village that to a god it all looks fairly neutral. It's not really evil if the populace loves you so much they throw their virgin daughters at you for sacrifice and the promise of a good harvest!
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Apr 14, 2017 05:18
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Tin Can Hit Man posted:It's not really evil if the populace loves you so much they throw their virgin daughters at you for sacrifice and the promise of a good harvest! It'd be rude not to!
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Apr 14, 2017 05:24
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When in Rome, as they say. Evil really is as cosmopolitan as it gets.
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Apr 14, 2017 05:51
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Arkanomen posted:A neat trick I heard about in the local wizard meetup is this new thing called karmic fuckery. You do your normal poo poo like soul stitching and demonic buggering inside your keep, but on the outside you take such good care of your surrounding village that to a god it all looks fairly neutral. It doesn't work like that. The gods take particular interest in intent and motivation. That is the one thing all of them are unforgiving about. Besides, using a façade of good to mask evil is in itself an act of evil.
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Apr 14, 2017 06:34
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Automatic Slim posted:It doesn't work like that. The gods take particular interest in intent and motivation. That is the one thing all of them are unforgiving about. Besides, using a façade of good to mask evil is in itself an act of evil. Well I mean this is why it's important to follow The Laws. You might be doing some nasty evil, but the gods can't directly intervene if you're not objectively crossing lines. Goes back to the letter is the Law stuff.
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Apr 14, 2017 06:42
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Arkanomen posted:A neat trick I heard about in the local wizard meetup is this new thing called karmic fuckery. You do your normal poo poo like soul stitching and demonic buggering inside your keep, but on the outside you take such good care of your surrounding village that to a god it all looks fairly neutral. 
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Apr 14, 2017 06:58
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Automatic Slim posted:It doesn't work like that. The gods take particular interest in intent and motivation. That is the one thing all of them are unforgiving about. Besides, using a façade of good to mask evil is in itself an act of evil. Is it not a greater evil to sacrifice the well being of so many to address the evil of one? Really heroic ripping bread from the mouths of orphans (that you made) or leaving helpless peasants to fend for themselves? If the populace worships you as a god then they aren't going to call for help and if any heroes show up the common folk will deal with it. Gods may be pedantic but they are lazy. I've been keeping this going for 500 centuries and the most I got hassled was by an accountant god for back taxes.
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Apr 14, 2017 07:41
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Arkanomen posted:Is it not a greater evil to sacrifice the well being of so many to address the evil of one? Really heroic ripping bread from the mouths of orphans (that you made) or leaving helpless peasants to fend for themselves? That's good business and smart administration. Unless you derive your power directly from the misery of others it just makes sense to keep the general population of your domain happy and content. You have a happy, content population and lawful do gooders have no way to rationalize unshackling a people that don't want to be liberated. Unless they're a bunch of religious zealots and then there's no talking to them anyway. It's even better if your peasants are the zealots to your rule themselves like some cult or Totalitarian dictatorship. But don't rationalize that a happy, loving flock means it cancels out the wretched path evil wizards walk for more power. As soon as the right demon with the right pact comes along they're getting sacrificed. As soon as all rituals to lichdom are learned, their souls are to be used. The plebiscite's well being is only a stepping stone to something greater. No higher power will confuse that with neutrality at the end of the day.
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Apr 14, 2017 09:33
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naem posted:No just make sure you do some good monologuing if any heroes show up, and be ready with one of those "curses you've defeated me- for now!" cut scenes where you turn into swamp gas and float away if you lose too many hit points Sorry for the delay my dungeon was crawled by the heros. Anyways I think I'm in deep trouble now. The party leader is a younger looking human male who wears way too many belts and has a sword that looks so impractical it's silly. He clears my traps, takes out my vampire bodyguard, then finds me in the process of turning some villagers into demons, fairly normal. This time he's got this cute elf mage (obvious love interest) , old soldier (mentor) and this weird fluffy cat thing (mascot?). Anyways I send a few demon people at them for laughs and when they are distracted I teleport to the cute mage and decide I'm gonna kidnap her, try to turn her to my side to mess with the hero, the usual. Well I guess I didn't clean off my work gloves well enough from the demon experiments cause when I grab her she just sorta melts into a green puddle. Everyone stops, even the demon villagers are giving me the "dude not cool" look Hero man then starts loving GLOWING and hits me with this way over the top sword move. It took like three minutes, he just sorta juggled me with like a million stabs and slashes. It actually looked pretty cool. So anyways, I reform by my phylactery and just think " well poo poo, now he's got a super move" Why does everything I do seem to just power up this hero?
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Apr 14, 2017 14:20
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Double Monocle posted:Sorry for the delay my dungeon was crawled by the heros. Dude, how have you not realized that you're stuck in a narrative? Did you have an inspector come by to check for excessive deposits of narrativium before you built your mountaintop doom fortress? Like poo poo man, what did you expect? I'll bet at this point the narrative is so strong that when the villagers in the valley below look up to the spiked turrets of your lair in superstitious terror, lightning flashes and thunder rolls, regardless of how nice the weather is. You've got to get out of there before that narrative kills you. Don't you know how dangerous narrativium is? It's like the first thing they teach you in Evil Wizard School.
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Apr 14, 2017 14:43
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