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sounds like you are stuck in a narrative, and at the same time it sounds like you are cursed? I mean we were just talking about Witches, did you spurn an epic-level Witche's love or something?
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Apr 14, 2017 15:00
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See, this is why I stick to personal evil and gratification. Lots harder to get caught up in a narrative if you're just corrupting sexy librarians and using magic for personal benefit without thought to right or wrong.
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Apr 14, 2017 16:14
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I hosed up. I hosed up bad. I was trying to rig up a kinda of soul engine, basic little artifact, jam in a soul crystal with some dipshit peasants soul into a torture machine and it's anguish powers the wheels and you have an instant chariot. I tried to be smart and I used the soul of a masochist demon because I thought it would never burn out. I was right, it's not burning out. I can't turn the dam chariot off, literally and figuratively. The dames thing just goes in circles day and night. That's not the worst part though. The demon somehow got into the sound runes so now I can't turn off what should be screams of the damned but instead sounds like a bad 80's hardcore gay porn. I had a very important lunch date with a local witch and as she steps into my chariot the loving rear end in a top hat screams "Choke me Daddy!" She still cackles at me when I come in to buy herbs every week.
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Apr 14, 2017 16:40
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So I talked to a lawyer from beyond the stars about this narritive thing and he says I'm basically screwed. Something about the bonds of fate, but basically I'm in too deep to just escape or even murder my way out right now. He warned me that anything I do is just gonna backfire or continue to fit the narritive. He did offer me three loopholes. He said if I leave the "limelight" of this "chosen one" tale the bonds will weaken enough I can get out of this mess I have no idea what to pick though. 1- upon defeat convince the hero he will be just like me should he kill me. Get spared, probably get trapped in some easy to escape elf crystal prison. 2- Reveal tragic back story, show that I was doing evil for "good reasons." He suggested inventing a wife and kids to pretend to be saving. Get spared, jailed like option 1. 3- reveal that I wasn't the true badguy and show the "real" mastermind once the hero makes it to my lair. Probably will just summon a shoggoth and make it say cryptic evil messages. All of them have a certain risks but I can't decide. And in case your wondering I already have began gathering reagents to just glass my kingdom and start over. Double Monocle fucked around with this message at 16:50 on Apr 14, 2017 |
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Apr 14, 2017 16:48
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Arkanomen posted:I hosed up. I hosed up bad. I was trying to rig up a kinda of soul engine, basic little artifact, jam in a soul crystal with some dipshit peasants soul into a torture machine and it's anguish powers the wheels and you have an instant chariot. I tried to be smart and I used the soul of a masochist demon because I thought it would never burn out. I mean this isn't really a problem? You should be able to get a tidy sum from any pornomancer for an autoeroticmobile. If you don't know any just send me an astral construct and I'll hook you up
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Apr 14, 2017 17:23
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Have Blue posted:I mean this isn't really a problem? You should be able to get a tidy sum from any pornomancer for an autoeroticmobile. If you don't know any just send me an astral construct and I'll hook you up But I really liked that witch and now she thinks I'm some sex pervert when Im really more into spellweaving and coke.
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Apr 14, 2017 17:30
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Arkanomen posted:I hosed up. I hosed up bad. I was trying to rig up a kinda of soul engine, basic little artifact, jam in a soul crystal with some dipshit peasants soul into a torture machine and it's anguish powers the wheels and you have an instant chariot. I tried to be smart and I used the soul of a masochist demon because I thought it would never burn out. Own it.
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Apr 14, 2017 18:12
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Automatic Slim posted:Own it. Hell no, I've been building up my reputation of being wicked but not unreasonable for centuries. If heroes going to hassle me think I'm gonna cast a spell of perversion and make the party gnome bust out the whips and chains then I'm no better than a back-alley conjuror. I might as well hang some fuzzy dice in my chariot, stick my phlayctery on the top of my staff and break open my books on Thotaturgy. Why have I been wasting my time trying to spawn my own pocket dimension where the intricate physical laws are perfect for growing the various crystals I need (coke) when I could just be summoning up some demon hoes to pawn off on lonely farmers.
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Apr 14, 2017 19:57
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Arkanomen posted:Hell no, I've been building up my reputation of being wicked but not unreasonable for centuries. If heroes going to hassle me think I'm gonna cast a spell of perversion and make the party gnome bust out the whips and chains then I'm no better than a back-alley conjuror. I might as well hang some fuzzy dice in my chariot, stick my phlayctery on the top of my staff and break open my books on Thotaturgy. Why have I been wasting my time trying to spawn my own pocket dimension where the intricate physical laws are perfect for growing the various crystals I need (coke) when I could just be summoning up some demon hoes to pawn off on lonely farmers. Duh and/or hello E: as an immortal being of untold power you're gonna hit a few century mid life crisis at some point, just roll with it Have Blue fucked around with this message at 20:27 on Apr 14, 2017 |
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Apr 14, 2017 20:19
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Arkanomen posted:But I really liked that witch ahh here's your first problem, you gotta sacrifice your venal desires if you want that sweet real power far be it from me to be condescending about it- I spent the second century of my life chasing after a naga with a sharp business sense and tits out to Moon'dath you should come to one of our meetings, just scry and you'll find it, WGTOW
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Apr 14, 2017 20:25
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Arkanomen posted:I hosed up. I hosed up bad. I was trying to rig up a kinda of soul engine, basic little artifact, jam in a soul crystal with some dipshit peasants soul into a torture machine and it's anguish powers the wheels and you have an instant chariot. I tried to be smart and I used the soul of a masochist demon because I thought it would never burn out. I mean, she doesn't kick you out or refuse to associate with you. Maybe she's into that kind of thing? Invite her to the evil lair, show her the torture chamber and dungeons, gauge her reaction?
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Apr 14, 2017 21:08
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Skypie posted:I mean, she doesn't kick you out or refuse to associate with you. Maybe she's into that kind of thing? Invite her to the evil lair, show her the torture chamber and dungeons, gauge her reaction? She won't even talk to me anymore, everytime I pull up she just cackles and cackles. The herbs are good though but when I try to explain it she just rolls her eyes and says "Sure thing...Daddy!" She even has her familiar laugh at me. Maybe I'll kill that dumb bird and then she'll recognize my evil. Anyone know of a good incantation to fry a bird at 20 paces WITHOUT collateral damage.
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Apr 14, 2017 21:12
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Instead of obliterating her familiar, work up a soul-swap incantation. Put the bird into your chariot and the masochist demon in the bird. See how she likes it when her bird is crooning at every shop patron for a good paddling or begging people to pull its feathers. Might not make your chariot any less annoying, but at least it's a proportional sort of revenge. Very Greek; the gods can appreciate that sort of thing.
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Apr 14, 2017 22:00
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Have you considered using the narrative in your favor by creating x amount items of amazing power that can seal or free you when brought together. Trust someone will eventually bring you back while you bide your time.
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Apr 14, 2017 22:23
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Arkanomen posted:Anyone know of a good incantation to fry a bird at 20 paces WITHOUT collateral damage. Magic Missile is a spell they teach to children. Plus, she won't be expecting you to use a non-evil spell, so you'll have plausible deniability.
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Apr 14, 2017 22:28
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 I think I have found the wizard dog.
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Apr 15, 2017 02:48
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The witch is calling you "Daddy" which means: 1) she's into you. 2) she's got a ton of issues some of which revolve around "Daddy".
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Apr 15, 2017 03:10
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Every time any of you utter an integer my power grows...
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Apr 15, 2017 03:58
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Do imaginary numbers count?
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Apr 15, 2017 04:18
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Automatic Slim posted:The witch is calling you "Daddy" which means: 1) she's into you. 2) she's got a ton of issues some of which revolve around "Daddy". Actually it turns out it's neither. It means someone doesn't remember having a one solstice stand and 9 months later someone's nemesis is brought into the world. Now I apparently have a son that's wing raised at some Paladin monastery across the sea with a note that tells him about my less-than-good aligned activities. So um. Prodigal sons. Do I just retreat to my phylactery and wait this out or own it so Jr. has a chance to be proud of his pops. (I got the bird. Didn't use magic missile, I just threw the witch into the bird and they both landed in the caldron. Turns out it's true water melts witches. Just has to be boiling.)
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Apr 15, 2017 04:38
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I cant do this anymore. Im going white. Legit. Good guy. Just burned the last of my tomes. Some paladins are coming by tomorrow and raising a massive h holy shield as i violate every pact ive ever made with any demon. Lol they wont be able to do poo poo. Anyway i start teaching at merlin academy next week peace be unto you brothers may you find redemption in the light:)
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Apr 15, 2017 04:48
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basic hitler posted:I cant do this anymore. Im going white. Legit. Good guy. Just burned the last of my tomes. Some paladins are coming by tomorrow and raising a massive h holy shield as i violate every pact ive ever made with any demon. Lol they wont be able to do poo poo. Demonic pacts don't break that easy. You're going to want to wait a decade or 8 before you resurface.
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Apr 15, 2017 05:11
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basic hitler posted:I cant do this anymore. Im going white. Legit. Good guy. Just burned the last of my tomes. Some paladins are coming by tomorrow and raising a massive h holy shield as i violate every pact ive ever made with any demon. Lol they wont be able to do poo poo. Oh, ok yeah sure you are sounds great (wink wink)
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Apr 15, 2017 05:17
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Arkanomen posted:Actually it turns out it's neither. It means someone doesn't remember having a one solstice stand and 9 months later someone's nemesis is brought into the world. Now I apparently have a son that's wing raised at some Paladin monastery across the sea with a note that tells him about my less-than-good aligned activities. All sons (and daughters) want approval of their fathers. Just call out to him and all that religious indoctrination will wash away. https://youtu.be/_ayT0EZwbks#t=1m04s basic hitler posted:I cant do this anymore. Im going white. Legit. Good guy. Just burned the last of my tomes. Some paladins are coming by tomorrow and raising a massive h holy shield as i violate every pact ive ever made with any demon. Lol they wont be able to do poo poo. The great thing about turning evil is you only do it once and everybody believes it. You go good and you have to convince people you're on the path to redemption over and over and over. It's quite tedious.
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Apr 15, 2017 05:44
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Haha my sex life is a real "Tomb of Horrors" haha just a bit of evil wizard jokes for you all haha. I pray to Bahamaut that I don't get found out lol just kidding haha
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Apr 15, 2017 05:50
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I've sent three janitors into my dungeon to clean up the hero guts and none of them have returned. Oh well. One more call to the cleaning agency.
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Apr 15, 2017 06:04
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basic hitler posted:I cant do this anymore. Im going white. Legit. Good guy. Just burned the last of my tomes. Some paladins are coming by tomorrow and raising a massive h holy shield as i violate every pact ive ever made with any demon. Lol they wont be able to do poo poo. Just lol that this guy thinks a few paladins and a holy shield is gonna stop pacts he made with Abyssal dwellers
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Apr 15, 2017 07:01
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Skypie posted:Just lol that this guy thinks a few paladins and a holy shield is gonna stop pacts he made with Abyssal dwellers Its a great prank to pull if you need to thin out the local "bible-macers". Pull the old "Oh, my immortal soul. I repent. I will turn my works to good" line after drinking some loving really strong potions of bluff. Then you sit back and watch the show. The paladins will all get wiped as the usually do. Thank the narrative for that one, die heroically you goofballs. Bonus points for the demons you owe poo poo to being smote from existence and the ones that survive get a nice status boost for offing a paladin. Everyone wins. Well most everyone, except for the cleric maiden who have to bury another gross of dead idiots.
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Apr 15, 2017 07:31
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Hey I've been making a lot of foreign investments into the elemental plane of business, you know things like orphan soul futures and the precious soul stones fund, but I'm using cursed gold I found deep beneath the ocean that I looted from the Deep Ones. I'm not a wizard or anything, but this poo poo is starting to get really magical and I'm just an accounting clerk who was looking for some quick money. What kind of repercussions could I expect? It's not like orphan soul futures is gonna bottom out any time soon with you guys burning through them by the truck-load.
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Apr 15, 2017 15:50
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Rayjenkins posted:Hey I've been making a lot of foreign investments into the elemental plane of business, you know things like orphan soul futures and the precious soul stones fund, but I'm using cursed gold I found deep beneath the ocean that I looted from the Deep Ones. I'm not a wizard or anything, but this poo poo is starting to get really magical and I'm just an accounting clerk who was looking for some quick money. What kind of repercussions could I expect? It's not like orphan soul futures is gonna bottom out any time soon with you guys burning through them by the truck-load. how does an accounting clerk steal Deep Ones gold? smells fishy to me. either way ur prob fuckz0rs
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Apr 15, 2017 15:53
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was just scrying with some cultists, turns out the deep ones' gold is just fine and they don't know poo poo about this "accounting clerk". called my buddies on the inside at the WPD to run a background check on this guy - turns out he's some loving scrub rogue who pulls investment scams on various wizarding forums (damsel in distress, plz just put a lil money in this account and i should be good, never seen again). gently caress off buddy. reported. i also asked the cultists to add u to their chant for the next couple hundred years so LOL when the deep ones wake up. again, gently caress off.
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Apr 15, 2017 16:09
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fbsw posted:was just scrying with some cultists, turns out the deep ones' gold is just fine and they don't know poo poo about this "accounting clerk". called my buddies on the inside at the WPD to run a background check on this guy - turns out he's some loving scrub rogue who pulls investment scams on various wizarding forums (damsel in distress, plz just put a lil money in this account and i should be good, never seen again). gently caress off buddy. reported. i also asked the cultists to add u to their chant for the next couple hundred years so LOL when the deep ones wake up. again, gently caress off. I consider such accusations to be very serious and I will be contacting the magical law offices of Xomgax and Daqmar the Bloodgorger. They are demons and they will sue your loving soul into oblivion. You have no loving idea the poo poo-torrent of woes you have unleashed upon yourself. You'll just be another destitute nobody to the elemental plane of business and then how do you expect to get a mortgage for your castle? You won't even be able afford a wand when they're through with you.
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Apr 15, 2017 16:27
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Office Surprise Store posted:imo too many wizards of the current generation lean too hard on the old spells, searing the flesh from the bones of your enemies with fire magic, corrupting their innards with dark magic, freezing their blood with ice magic, so on and so forth. get creative, mix up your magics, how long has it been since you heard of a wizard tearing someone's limbs off with hands made from the earth, or using air magic to force your foe to fall eternally until he is either slowly flayed or starves to death? it's these kinds of things that will set you apart from just yet another generic wizard. look dude plz take this carebear poo poo to weddit. i'm all for "playing how you want" but the meta is what it is. sure you can spec into those recently discovered earth spells if u want, but in sweats everyone is at the top of their game and you need every edge you can get to not loving die. until the gods start making changes to this plane's laws of reality to allow for more varied builds, you're gonna keep seeing a ton of gently caress you fireballs cuz they are simple and they work and they kill people.
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Apr 15, 2017 16:38
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Rayjenkins posted:I consider such accusations to be very serious and I will be contacting the magical law offices of Xomgax and Daqmar the Bloodgorger. They are demons and they will sue your loving soul into oblivion. You have no loving idea the poo poo-torrent of woes you have unleashed upon yourself. You'll just be another destitute nobody to the elemental plane of business and then how do you expect to get a mortgage for your castle? You won't even be able afford a wand when they're through with you.  just lol at this guy. wizards (well decent ones) have all their poo poo keybound nowadays. loving wands? lmao. the last decent wizard that used a wand was that voldemort human being and he got killed by a literal baby. so tell me again how an accounting clerk stole the deep ones gold? please enlighten me i'm all ears 
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Apr 15, 2017 16:50
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He probably didn't steal it at all. Just got down and dirty on some fish sticks and that dropped him a tip for being a good wizard.
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Apr 15, 2017 16:53
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fbsw posted:
How I happened upon my wealth is not a matter for public discussion. If you continue down this crass and dillusional path you will invariably anger not only the elemental plane of business but the arbiters of this reality as well. You will be hearing from my lawyers shortly, good day sir.
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Apr 15, 2017 16:58
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Arkanomen posted:He probably didn't steal it at all. Just got down and dirty on some fish sticks and that dropped him a tip for being a good wizard. If you really must know, I made some poor investments in the past with some Elder Beings, and I was really in the red shortly after. After some creative shuffling of various toxic assets, one could consider the outcome a "steal." I'd rather not go into further detail for the sake of not only my sanity but everyone else's.
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Apr 15, 2017 17:02
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Rayjenkins posted:How I happened upon my wealth is not a matter for public discussion. If you continue down this crass and dillusional path you will invariably anger not only the elemental plane of business but the arbiters of this reality as well. You will be hearing from my lawyers shortly, good day sir. say hello to xomgax and daqmar's moms for me
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Apr 15, 2017 17:03
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Rayjenkins posted:If you really must know, I made some poor investments in the past with some Elder Beings, and I was really in the red shortly after. After some creative shuffling of various toxic assets, one could consider the outcome a "steal." I'd rather not go into further detail for the sake of not only my sanity but everyone else's. So you sold your rear end to the highest bidder and after you got too much tentacle to handle your fish-mom bailed you out with some sea-gold. You know the deep-ones track all that gold through dreams, right? You can't steal any amount of it without them knowing about it so ether it's such a comically low amount that they wouldn't waste a single tadpole to fetch it or you're allowed to have it meaning you're part fish along the maternal line. If you didn't know, i'm sorry you had to find out this way you soon-to-be-Innsmouth looking rogue. Also you're talking to evil wizards. If you think any of us have any sanity left then I don't quite know what to tell you.
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Apr 15, 2017 18:03
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Arkanomen posted:So you sold your rear end to the highest bidder and after you got too much tentacle to handle your fish-mom bailed you out with some sea-gold. At first this news shook me real bad, but this is actually great for me. I'll live forever and gain access to a major market that few people dare to tread. I'll learn of non-Euclidean business paradigms. I'll be thinking outside the tesseract! The innsmouth look is a small price to pay for immortality and financial security.
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Apr 15, 2017 18:26
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