Facebook Aunt posted:

If you're ok with little tubes of builder-grade lube then more power to you, but I like a different level of lubrication.

ChickenOfTomorrow posted:

ChickenOfTomorrow posted:

Sagebrush posted:

how the heck did you get such a perfect donation tag

Aesop Poprock posted:

It's an inside joke nigga

Snowglobe of Doom posted:

As opposed to a field joke nigga???

Megaman's Jockstrap posted:

I'm gonna walk back my analogy because I just re-read part of A Modest Proposal and not eating the kids substantially changes the nature of the satire IMO. So it's a bad analogy.

AsInHowe posted:

(Aaron Hernandez) died doing what he loved, killing people

Saint Freak posted:

Nostalgia4Butts posted:

always a good day when a Patriot chokes

Poil posted:

Dear roleplaying group

I'm not particularly having fun or enjoying playing at the moment. My character is useless and has no purpose in the party, but that is completely my own fault for being bad at making and playing characters. Another reason is what happened last session.

1. It doesn't matter that your character is female.
2. It doesn't matter that the npc was male.
3. It doesn't matter that he ended up liking it or whatever.

Do NOT bring rape into the game! For fucks sake! I thought I had heard the worst with the idiot who, when playing Shadowrun, made a serious comparison between trolls, troll culture and black people (one guess which word he used instead of black).

no they will not posted:

DM: As you enter the forest, you see a horde of trolls. Two of them are watching a horror movie and screaming at the characters onscreen. One of them is being arrested for sexually assaulting a human lady. One of them is showily dunking a basketball.

: no. guys. come on.

slurpey: i cast dominate person on the two trolls watching the movie, causing them to be enslaved by my total control over the media. my cap of swiftness allows me to take another action; i entice the rest of the trolls with subprime mortgages, vastly misrepresenting the intrest rates. [sound of rolling dice] that's a 20. and since i'm a goblin I get a +2 on all usury checks.

DM: That's right slurpey

SpaceClown posted:

Im actually drunk rn lmao

I SUKK at trolling lately gently caress. I used to be the best 😭😭😭

Im sorry gbs ill try harder nrxt time!!!

SpaceClown posted:

Actually the rating says i fukkin rokk gently caress you shitters SPACECLOWB RUNS THIS TOWN!!!! SBOUT OUT TO ALL MY BOYS HERE IN GBS!!!

Shout out to trpo for not correcting my probo mistake thanks lad!!!!!!

[/Tbread]

_{SpaceClown hosed around with this message at Apr 19, 2017 around 03:53}

You Are A Elf posted:

A nagging dad is both a great username and a painful reality.

ConanTheLibrarian posted:

yeah theres already a juicer that doesnt need to be cleaned its called your MOUTH

Sapozhnik posted:

ConanTheLibrarian posted:

doesnt need to be cleaned

uh

Sagebrush posted:

goons.txt



uh

Kaysette posted:

"Injury update: Aaron Hernandez (neck) out indefinitely"

BeOSPOS posted:

Aaron Hernandez successfully served out his life sentence by cheating. Guess he was a true Patriots player at heart lol

Gumbel2Gumbel posted:

Jeffrey of YOSPOS posted:

Trolls are stealthier at night but also receive longer prison sentences than other species.

Stupid_Sexy_Flander posted:

There's a deflate gate joke for A A Ron, but damned if I can connect the dots on it.

DOWN JACKET FETISH posted:

imo, simply referring to the possibility of there being a joke, and not attempting to make the joke, is a form of hate crime

Gatekeeper posted:

can someone help me find quotes? i think it was from fyad, premise was something like a kid getting frustrated because the mom would only respond by singing early 90s grunge but all the lyrics were spelled out phonetically like how theyre sung and it was pretty amazing seeing someone transcribe scott weilands vocals like that, all "weHEH daw tuh fine huhh" but i never saved it and I've never been able to find it again

The Golden Man posted:

me: mom i think i may be in trouble for getting $1300 in american money on a donation website by saying I have leukemia please dont sing dragula 
mom: dead i am the one 
me, sobbing: please please i got a phone call from the canada revenus agency 
my dad via speakerphone: conquering the worm

gentle pete posted:

At the risk of sounding like a sex crazed pervert...

I have a sex toy called "Venus 2000", or now "Venus for Men". Im sure you're all familiar with the sybian, well this is the male equivalent.



Lube it up, turn it on and it starts sucking and stroking on your cock like an insatiable cock whore. The thing I like about it is that it can go for hours as long as you keep lubed up. Ive gone as long as three hours while edging before. The best thing about the venus by far is the fact that it can stroke your cock with or without an erection, it doesn't care one bit since it sucks you in, and strokes off your dick with air pressure.

Anyways, a while ago I got this hair brained idea to get a bunch of audio clips of women getting hosed from all sorts of sources. But only of women getting hosed by men, or sucking on a dick. Wrote up a quick bash script on the computer to randomly play them. Longer clips get played one after another at random with shorter clips overlapping. Now I was set.

My boyfriend prepared 35 mg of 4acodmt for plugging while I got the venus ready. This was going to be a long duration experience so I opted for the silicone lube that lasts forever.

I lubed up, got the stroking part on my dick, plugged the 4aco, and laid back. My boyfriend put my blindfold on me, shackled my wrists and ankles and put the headphones on me.

He was listening to the audio through the laptop and controlling the Venus's stroke speed and the stroke height to match the audio. You can have it stroke as slow as 3 times a minute, to faster than your hand can go at 300/minute. And by way of a second control box you can control how deep it sucks your dick inside. You can have it be deep throating during practically the whole stroke or riding right up on top of the head.

At first I was hard as a rock at the thought of the experiment, but I started getting nervous about ten minutes in when the heavy dose of psilocetin started to alert. I was worried that I sjould have done some better editing of the sound clips, they were cutting in and out pretty harsh and thought for a while that would detract from the experience. Soon enough it didn't matter.

As the veil started to lift in my minds eye the moans and grunts and whimpers and calls to gently caress "harder" and "faster" and shouts and screams of ecstacy turned into a rolling broiling cacaphony of auditory ecstacy.

Ever since the dawn of man, gods have come to walk amongst us and laid their seed in our women. These goddesses had now had enough. They all descended from the various heavens and chosen me for their sole act of defiance. One by one they seduced me and begged for my seed. "Oh, oh baby I want you inside me." A gentle soft spoken and timid goddess whispered. I hosed her niiiice and slow. Another goddess interupted shouting for me to go "faster uh uh faster, yeah yeah yeah"

As my mind went ever more under the influence of the drug everything became chaotic and overlapped. I was being used by a dozen goddesses as their plaything being tossed back and forth between them like a ragdoll. For a while I begged for them to stop to no avail. Multiple times I felt myself getting soft but they kept sucking on my dick, and their vaginas turned into twisted slimy creatures unto themselves that slurped and pulled and grabbed at my limp dick incessantly until I was once again taken by the ecstacy and restored to full vigor.

The peak was so chaotic and confusing i cant even begin to express it. I was for sure being raped. I know I wanted them to stop. I begged them to. But at the same time I was in ecstacy.

I do remember the orgasm building up. Slowly, carefully. The goddesses had one shot and it had to be perfect. I had to hold it back. It had to a strong orgasm. Not just a big one but the strongest most powerful orgasm ever imagined by a human. For a moment they told me I would know what it feels like for Zeus himself to bust a nut. I came and she kept shouting at me "harder, harder HARDER!" My vision went nuts, i was seeing a field of white electric static and I felt it shooting throughout my body. I felt incredibly lucid mentally and remotely aware of my physical body. It was strainging against the restraints, grunting and growling like a caged beast. My p.c. muscles were contracting repeatedly over and over as they seamed to pump out all of my life force and sexual energy. The grunts and growls ftom my mindless body started to cede as more and more life force was being drained. The cacaphonous ecstacy of the goddesses slowly disappeared as my genitals still continued pumping into the alien orifice that kept massaging my cock for more.

The grunts from my body were rhythmic and uniform with the contractions. I was afraid. What had I done. They're going to take everything. Never the less i was still in pure unbridaled ecstacy the likes of which I could never express in words. Slowly over what seemed like an hour i felt the alien vagina sucking the last bits of sexual life force out of me while the contractions had stopped. I laid there in psychedelic blackness as that strange inhuman throbbing genital stayed attached slowly stroking my flacid cock in and out of itself. I was a play thing for the gods at a slumber party with too much wine. I was sucked dry and cast aside in the corner to be forgotten about for eternity with this autonomous disembodied genital forever attached to me.

"John." He spoke my name softly but it shattered my reality like sledgehammer. I gasped for breath and told him i was good and to untie me. I was still tripping slightly but i was well into the comedown by now.

I recorded a stream of consciousness accounting and laid together with my boyfriend in his arms

The next morning we compared notes and watched the recording. He kept a timeline during the experience which made watching the four hour recording much easier.

It was an amazing experience, but not something I'll ever repeat because for as amazing as it was, it was just as terrifying. It is by far though the best orgasm I've ever had.

Work Friend Keven posted:

Basically this guy used a complex system of machines, computers, drugs, a boyfriend, etc. to give himself cum related PTSD. Not sure what the issue is or whatever.

manyak posted:

small brain - not getting your Dick sucked
bigger brain - getting your wife to suck you off
huge brain - getting your gay boyfriend to suck you off
Giant glowing brain - your boyfriend programs a computer to suck your dick until you become mentally ill

ArfJason posted:

Cabern of COBOL > custom winamp plugin bugged and opened rush playlist. Trapped in erotic drum solo hell please advi

gentle pete posted:

Near constant flatulence that has a smell so powerful to me that I risk cumming on particularly strong farts. In addition I can't hold them back for more than 10 minutes at most; if I try then it'll practically explode out my rear end, soil my pants a bit, and of course make me cream them like I was edging for a whole day.

The thing is, it becomes oddly easier to hold it if I somehow manage to keep them contained past that threshold point (I.e. industrial butt plugs) but if they're held in for over an hour I can't fart for a week. Instead, my cock farts instead of cumming (but the cum is still built up in my balls) and my body odor becomes my farts. My breath is of course foul to everyone but me. The result is if I hold it in too long, I become a perpetually aroused, sporadically ejaculating filth hound.

Karate Bastard posted:

Iiiiiiiiiii'm willing to bet on the latter.

cinci zoo sniper posted:

I rise blissfully at 4:30 am, thanks to my Tibetan singing bowl alarm clock. After 20 minutes of alternate nostril breathing, I start my day with a three-minute cold shower. This I follow with twenty minutes of stream-of-consciousness journaling, then another twenty minutes of gratitude journaling.

For breakfast, I always enjoy a half liter of organic, fair-trade, bulletproof coffee (I use a ghee, coconut oil, and yak butter blend instead of MCT oil), which keeps me in ketosis until I break my intermittent fast. By the way, if you haven’t tried it, nothing does the trick like intermittent fasting for maintaining less than 17% body fat. (For my full fasting protocol, see my e-book.)

Before I leave for work, I make sure to pack my award-winning green smoothie. This recipe is designed to heal the thyroid, calm the spleen, support liver detoxification, reverse and prevent tumor growth, whiten teeth, boost fertility, balance chakras, stabilize circadian rhythms, ease constipation, regulate the menstrual cycle, prevent rabies, and make your skin glow!

Using your favorite bone broth as a base, just add a small handful each of kale, spinach, bok choi, frozen cauliflower, and wheatgrass; half an avocado, a whole, unpeeled kiwi, a quarter cup of filmjölk, skyr, kefir OR plain organic yogurt (depending on your personal mucus type – to learn yours, see my e-book); two tablespoons each of chia seeds, flax seeds, pea protein, fresh pomegranate seeds, dried goji berries, resistant potato starch, turmeric powder, and collagen hydrolysate; one tablespoon each of ghee, coconut oil, coconut water, maple syrup, maca, lucuma, chlorella, spirulina, hemp seeds, moringa leaves, royal jelly, powdered durian fruit, activated charcoal, Manuka honey, ashwagandha powder, shilajit powder, local bee pollen, Irish moss, cordyceps fungus, chaga powder, reishi mushroom powder, matcha powder, and cacao nibs; two drops of lavender essential oil, a quarter cup of sprouted almonds, five soaked cashews, two soaked medjool dates, a Ceylon cinnamon stick, a whole nutmeg seed, four white peppercorns, three peeled and crushed garlic cloves, a cup of organic frozen blueberries, and a pinch of Himalayan salt. To really take it up a notch, add four acacia thorns and a half-teaspoon of Tibetan monk tears. Follow with a high-quality probiotic.

This jolt of nutrition and flavor keeps my mind off of food for at least seven hours. The mixture also doubles as an amazing antioxidant face mask.

As with all of my meals, I divide the week’s smoothie ingredients into large mason jars ahead of time, which I can then take out of the refrigerator and blend with the Vitamix at a moment’s notice. To make cleanup more efficient, I have seven Vitamix blender pitchers, which I clean all at once on Sunday evenings. Best $1200 I’ve ever spent. So much time saved.

My mindful subway commute is spent listening to affirmation recordings, which I rotate based on the moon phase.

When I reach my workspace, I’m in my creative heaven. The foundation is my standing desk, which I can lower when I need to sit on a medicine ball for a few minutes. I’m only human, right? This, along with my $1300 Metraflex custom shoe inserts, has completely eliminated my back pain.

On my desk, I keep a small collection of rose quartz, fluorite, and onyx crystals, which zap negative energy. I also have a multi-photo frame with pictures of all of my vision boards. I call it my “meta-vision-board.” This way, I can keep manifesting my abundance without taking up valuable desk space.

While at work, I use my Bose Quiet Comfort XI headphones to listen to a looped binaural beats track mixed with Tibetan chant and blue whale songs. The alternation of alpha and theta waves puts me in a state of total flow like nothing else.

I’m a firm believer in Tim Ferriss’ 4-Hour Workweek™ principles, so I batch my email communication into fifteen minutes on Monday mornings. To make this even more efficient, I reply using one of six standard templates that I crafted for this purpose. I have not personally responded to an email in nine years. This opens up so much more time to dedicate to developing my brain baby, the LinguaGoGo app, which allows users to learn 15 world languages in as little as eleven seconds per week. If you haven’t seen my viral TED talk on the amazing technology behind this program, I recommend you do so as soon as you can.

At 3 pm, it’s time to hit the gym. After years of research, I have engineered the most efficient possible workout, which is a single, 100-pound kettlebell swing, followed by four and a half minutes of foam rolling. (See my e-book for step-step instructions) I use a roller that’s made by a women’s empowerment collective in Andhra Pradesh. These fair-trade foam rollers are made from recycled Tom’s Shoes and are 100% sustainable.

Coming home every afternoon is bliss. Performing Marie Kondo’s decluttering protocol once a month has transformed our apartment into a minimalist temple of joy. Even the cat’s litterbox brings me happiness. The less you possess, the less you have to tidy. With our hairless cat, solar-powered air purification system, and microfiber-soled slippers, we have eliminated the need to clean our bedroom and living room. In fact, we only ever pull out the Dyson vacuum cleaner when my in-laws visit so they know we appreciated the gift.

With nothing left to optimize in my own life, I am blessed with ample time to help optimize others’ lives. It’s my passion! Afternoons are dedicated to my coaching practice and about 11,000 weekly words of content for my personal blog, which brings in 6K of revenue each month. This semi-passive income source is an amazing complement to my trust fund.

Most recently, I helped a mother of five in Indiana lose 120 pounds with my smoothie recipe and a customized version of my exercise regime (using an 80-pound kettlebell). With my guidance, she followed her dream and launched her own blog about holistic dog training, which just broke 14 million unique page views a month! (For more information, see her e-book.)

Winding down at the end of the day is bliss. Even though I only get 45 minutes a day with my husband, we make the most of that time by staring into each others’ eyes for at least five minutes, which is proven to boost intimacy. We have also adapted our own version of the Nonviolent Communication protocol, which allows us to express all of our needs, feelings, fears, and experiences from the day in a loving exchange of five sentences each. (To learn more, check out my husband’s wonderful book, The Four Hour Relationship.)

At dinnertime, I whip out two mason jars with prepped ingredients for an amazing meal. Our local CSA program keeps us stocked with the freshest organic ingredients. We supplement these with microgreens, herbs, and sprouts grown in our hydroponic window boxes. To maximize the spiritual experience of our meal, and to prevent swallowing air (which can cause bloating — yuck!) we eat in silence, or communicate only with small hums.

When it’s time for bed, I make a nourishing cup of Golden-Brown Milk. This is similar to the turmeric-rich Golden Milk you’re familiar with, but also contains a tablespoon of my favorite buckwheat miso to support digestion and sleep.

Finally, I conclude my day with ten more minutes of gratitude journaling and a 30-minute Haasyaaspad meditation, which is believed to lengthen telomeres and slow down the aging process. It also prompts dreams in which I communicate with my ancestors and reconnect with my truth.

I hope that this look into my daily routine inspires you to optimize your life! Starting next month, I am offering new coaching partnerships that begin at $1,999 per month, but you can get 5% off using the coupon code on page 615 of my e-book.

sebmojo posted:

Syd Midnight posted:

It's like a 21st century American Psycho, minus the killings.

I was thinking of the book but now I can only hear it in Christian Bale's voice.

DOWN JACKET FETISH posted:

imo, simply referring to the possibility of there being a joke, and not attempting to make the joke, is a form of hate crime

Clitch posted:

Says the guy who posted Bill Cosby pictures for several months with a countdown that culminated in Happy Birthday Bill Cosby

The Glumslinger posted:

Wrong thread

The Glumslinger posted:

Wrong thread

Baloogan posted:

some galaxy a million light years away from your perspective inscribes a MASSIVE loving CIRCLE and travels many million times the speed of light from your perspective when you spin around 360 degrees

FabioClone posted:

You can flip off a significant percentage of the known universe just by giving the finger in any random direction.

VectorSigma posted:

somewhere out there is a species that has four or more sexes and biological reproduction follows a sequence and there are separate taboo categories for every permutation of the sequence which deviates from the natural progression, and it was the need to comprehend the number of resulting fetishes that led to their development of higher maths and eventually interstellar hegemony, though their ability to communicate with other intelligent life is limited by their language being 98.3% comprised of words roughly translatable to "human being"

Tiler Kiwi posted:

trump admin team, in its hour of desperation and not knowing what to do with this intel, suddenly startle as a cry of human being BITCH SUCK MY MOMS COCK perices the room. except this time, it wasn't from the universal translator desciphering another communication from the looming armada; it came from within the crisis room. wide eyed, they slowly turn their gaze to the corner of the room, where young barron trump is screaming his xbox

"gamers." mumbles one stoody professor type, watching barron viciously teabag a teammates corpse. "gamers have spent their whole lives with a human being based syntax."

a grizzled general grabs an intern excitedly. "get the president on the line, tell him we found our negotiator"

COMING 2018: ART OF THE DEAL 2: SON OF THE DEAL