/r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

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DragQueenofAngmar: Dec 29, 2009; You shall not pass!

client posted:

this is legit the plot to an episode of forensic files or one of those shows just like that and spoilers: the lady cop brutally murks the new girlfriend

whoa

# ? Apr 23, 2017 03:46

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# ? Jun 2, 2024 22:14

yoloer420: May 19, 2006

Pick posted:

It's not weird to look through a guy's trash before you date him, it's really just due diligence and saves everyone a lot of time. Also legally, once your trash is on the corner, it's not "your" trash any more and it's not protected.

Depends where you are, in my country the trash belongs to you until the city collects it, then it belongs to the city.

# ? Apr 23, 2017 03:47

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

Panfilo posted:

She should have him role play being a decent father and husband

You just want everything, don't you?

I can hear the husband now--"I don't run around, I don't go drinking, I have a lot of stress at work, why can't you just..."

Meanwhile the disabled kid is screaming, the others need dinner and homework help, and Dad is making up a new elf rogue for his new game.

# ? Apr 23, 2017 03:50

But Rocks Hurt Head: Jun 30, 2003; by Hand Knit; Pillbug

Game together for the kids

# ? Apr 23, 2017 04:24

chernobyl kinsman: Mar 18, 2007; a friend of the friendly atom; Soiled Meat

Khazar-khum posted:

My brain tells me Mom was drunk and didn't realize what she was doing until it was done.

uh i dunno dude most moms get drunk and very few try to slide into first with their kid

# ? Apr 23, 2017 04:36

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO: Feb 28, 1985

started making out
so hot! but alas! tiny
dick struggle is real

:japan:

e- flag is there because it's a haiku.

quote:

[Terrible first experience] Girl walked out after seeing my dick (self.sex)
submitted 6 hours ago by Badexper
So I have a really small dick, a little above 3". I've know this for awhile and have come to terms with it and finally decided to put myself out there. This was my second date with a girl I met off tinder. First date was really fun, ended in a kiss goodnight. Second date, we ended up at my place.
We started making out. Things were getting a lot hotter as her clothes came off. I was about to go down on her and she stopped me and said "you first" before enthusiastically taking off my pants. She seemed so into it but when the pants came off, everything changed. She just had this sort of dissapointed look on her face. She grabbed it and played with it for a few seconds and just suddenly said "I'm really sorry, I have to go". My heart sank. It was like every worst fear of mine was confirmed. Stupidly, I asked her why. She took a few seconds to respond, I could see her choosing her words carefully before finally saying "we're just not compatible , I'm really sorry."
I don't blame her but drat I just feel so inadequate. Thankfully, we don't have any mutual friends so my she can't tell anyone I know but i still feel so embarrassed. I'm not really sure why I posted this or if anyone can give me any useful advice. I just needed to tell someone

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO fucked around with this message at 05:00 on Apr 23, 2017

# ? Apr 23, 2017 04:53

Danaru: Jun 5, 2012; 何 ??

drat, that's cold

# ? Apr 23, 2017 04:56

Barudak: May 7, 2007

It sucks, but at least she was upfront it was never going to work with her instead of stories where people meltdown over unchangeable body things they never truly accepted from their partner.

# ? Apr 23, 2017 04:59

WampaLord: Jan 14, 2010

Jesus Christ lady, you can't take one for the team to prevent this dude from needing therapy?

# ? Apr 23, 2017 05:01

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO: Feb 28, 1985

Barudak posted:

sucks

Sadly, not

# ? Apr 23, 2017 05:01

Tacky-Ass Rococco: Sep 7, 2010; by R. Guyovich

Welp, that guy is traumatized for life.

# ? Apr 23, 2017 05:03

timefly: Apr 29, 2008

You might as well go through with it at that point. I mean, just act like it was a one-time thing afterwards if you can't deal.

# ? Apr 23, 2017 05:05

blarzgh: Apr 14, 2009; SNITCHIN' RANDY; Grimey Drawer

I'm sorry, tiny dick man. I know a 43F mom who might overlook your deficiency.

# ? Apr 23, 2017 05:07

Pvt.Scott: Feb 16, 2007; What God wants, God gets, God help us all

Probably didn't even let him get full mast. Just kinda fondled it and left. Cest la vie. Tinder is a meet n gently caress site, not meet n emotions, yeah?

# ? Apr 23, 2017 05:06

Barudak: May 7, 2007

timefly posted:

You might as well go through with it at that point. I mean, just act like it was a one-time thing afterwards if you can't deal.

Aint her job to do it. Im not going back in there for things Ive walked out on so I cant blame her here either.

Sorry roomate in college.

# ? Apr 23, 2017 05:06

timefly: Apr 29, 2008

Barudak posted:

Aint her job to do it. Im not going back in there for things Ive walked out on so I cant blame her here either.

Sorry roomate in college.

Don't do anything you don't want to do of course, but for some people it's like :shrug:

# ? Apr 23, 2017 05:09

Danaru: Jun 5, 2012; 何 ??

She could have tried other stuff at least, dude's tongue game could be wild

# ? Apr 23, 2017 05:10

Anagram of GINGER: Oct 3, 2014; by Smythe

skater buddy of mine told girls he had a small penis, and the ones who would stop to argue or express disbelief he'd invite to look. Stand real close while they both looked down the front of his belt line. He had sex with all of them. Micropenis should have just disclosed and been okay with it. Slap one forearm and then the other and say he's been blessed with the real pleasuremakers.

If his dick works enough and is big enough to feel his orgasms most of his problems are in his head.

# ? Apr 23, 2017 05:10

chernobyl kinsman: Mar 18, 2007; a friend of the friendly atom; Soiled Meat

let's be real three inches is not even worth her wasting her time over

# ? Apr 23, 2017 05:36

chernobyl kinsman: Mar 18, 2007; a friend of the friendly atom; Soiled Meat

like im not lord magnadong or anything but come on guys

chernobyl kinsman fucked around with this message at 05:41 on Apr 23, 2017

# ? Apr 23, 2017 05:37

Anagram of GINGER: Oct 3, 2014; by Smythe

he needs to hook up with one of those weird dragon dick fetish havers or who would rather have wierd non-penis things in their vag anyway.

# ? Apr 23, 2017 05:45

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

Elsa posted:

he needs to hook up with one of those weird dragon dick fetish havers or who would rather have wierd non-penis things in their vag anyway.

Pretty good solution, actually

# ? Apr 23, 2017 06:09

chernobyl kinsman: Mar 18, 2007; a friend of the friendly atom; Soiled Meat

Elsa posted:

he needs to hook up with one of those weird dragon dick fetish havers or who would rather have wierd non-penis things in their vag anyway.

they make these things that squirt eggs into you now. could've come in handy for that ovipositor fetishist from 700 pages ago

# ? Apr 23, 2017 06:14

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO: Feb 28, 1985

How do you know these things?

E- truth, Google "splorch". Well, I learned something.

# ? Apr 23, 2017 06:22

Anagram of GINGER: Oct 3, 2014; by Smythe

chernobyl kinsman posted:

they make these things that squirt eggs into you now. could've come in handy for that ovipositor fetishist from 700 pages ago

that would come in handy for the baggies of tiny frozen turds girl from like two pages ago lol

# ? Apr 23, 2017 06:25

timefly: Apr 29, 2008

chernobyl kinsman posted:

let's be real three inches is not even worth her wasting her time over

Dick isn't everything and that's not even a micropenis. Who do u think u are

# ? Apr 23, 2017 06:35

elise the great: May 1, 2012; You do not have to be good. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

I found out about ovipositor dildos from the Dildomancer thread a while back and I've had no fewer than four nightmares about them since. This is probably how the fetish gets started, right?

A couple nights after seeing that poo poo for the first time, I woke up in a cold sweat from a dream in which my husband was explaining how he keeps the ovipositor dildo in the fridge so it doesn't melt the 'eggs' and also 'feels more authentic'. In the dream this was all very fascinating and I thought he was quite clever for coming up with such a simple solution, and when I woke up I realized it wasn't a nightmare about egg-laying dildos, it was a nightmare about liking egg-laying dildos.

In short you can probably atone for micropenis easily by leveling up your manual and oral dexterity, but just loving imagine being the guy on Tinder with the micropenis AND the ovipositor dildo drawer. You would get unlaid so hard you'd be a negative-twelve virgin.

# ? Apr 23, 2017 06:49

ClamdestineBoyster: Aug 15, 2015; Can't post for 10 years!

Elsa posted:

skater buddy of mine told girls he had a small penis, and the ones who would stop to argue or express disbelief he'd invite to look. Stand real close while they both looked down the front of his belt line. He had sex with all of them. Micropenis should have just disclosed and been okay with it. Slap one forearm and then the other and say he's been blessed with the real pleasuremakers.

If his dick works enough and is big enough to feel his orgasms most of his problems are in his head.

Yeah I certainly don't think bigger penises are any sexier than smaller penises. :kiddo:

# ? Apr 23, 2017 06:54

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO: Feb 28, 1985

quote:

150
[sex toys] Looking for a wearable tentacle (self.sex)
submitted 11 months ago by FapmanTheFap
My fiance and I are looking for a wearable tentacle, like a penis sleeve or something? Kinda like this https://bad-dragon.com/products/wereablewerewolf But ya know as a tentacle. We tried one of these http://laughingsquid.com/cthulhu-tentacles-by-archie-mcphee/ But I couldn't get the sucker(pun intended) on past my glands, it was kinda hilarious of an image. Lol. If anyone knows of a place to get this kind of toy I would appreciate the help. Thanks in advance ^ P.S. Sorry first time poster here, apologies in advance if I'm breaking any rules, I think skimmed everything right tho

# ? Apr 23, 2017 07:42

monkeytennis: Apr 26, 2007; Toilet Rascal

Elsa posted:

did anyone crosspost it to r/incest

Fixed. Oh, and :gonk:

# ? Apr 23, 2017 07:52

COMRADES: Apr 3, 2017; by LITERALLY AN ADMIN

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO posted:

started making out
so hot! but alas! tiny
dick struggle is real

e- flag is there because it's a haiku.

lol

# ? Apr 23, 2017 08:27

WoodrowSkillson: Feb 24, 2005; *Gestures at 60 years of Lions history*

DragQueenofAngmar posted:

god drat. like, would his siblings even believe him? or just refuse to consider it. lol that's hosed

anyway, cops and lingerie!

I [34F] am being harassed by my fiance [32M]'s ex-girlfriend [36F]. Due to the nature of her job though, it's probably unavoidable seeing her and I'm having worries.

This is why you do not loving interact with cops in your personal life.

# ? Apr 23, 2017 12:52

Skratte: Nov 11, 2010

A car crashed into my [23M] sisters [26F] house and it missed her baby's [8m] cot by a few feet. My father decided this would be a good time to tell her she's overreacting.Non-Romantic

submitted 3 hours ago by SistersHouse

quote:

This was a case of a classic drunk driver. 2 am last week from her words, the loudest noise she ever heard woke her up. A drunk driver who had been texting crashed into her home.Half of his car was in the house. It missed her baby by about 7 feet. A few more feet off and he would have been squished between the wall and car. She had to call for help.

He did some some debris fell into his cot and it hit his foot. My sister, her 2 year old daughter and her son are staying with me until the repairs are done. My father told her she's overreacting when he visited 6 days ago. It caused a massive argument. My mother won't get off my case to get the two of them to stop arguing.

tl;dr: Mother is trying to get me to get my sister and father to stop fighting.

Our (25f/27m) neighbors (40s?) keep parking in our driveway. How can we get them to stop without damaging relationship?Non-Romantic

submitted 13 hours ago by Dumpsterdriveway

quote:

We just bought a house that has potential 2 back to back off street parking spaces, but most houses have on street parking and one off street spot. Our neighbors have a garage and small driveway that would fit their car, but it would be back to back, not side by side so not effective.

When the house was vacate, apparently our neighbors parked in our driveway to "make it seem like someone lived there". I don't understand that because it's a good neighborhood where you wouldn't expect break ins and the houses are super close to each other.

Our house is being completely renovated by my boyfriend. We are currently living with his parents, and he will go there from 1-3 days a week depending on work schedule to work at our house. We told our neighbors they could continue to use the spot until he started working there. He does not want to be liable for breaking their car accidentally while he's swinging things around and throwing stuff out. Or like a nail getting dropped on the drive and they get a flat tire.

We also needed a huge dumpster for the old stuff in the house. He told them about a week before to stop parking there because we need the spot for the dumpster. He went to our house on that Monday, when the dumpster was arriving and they were parked there. It took several hours to contact them and a pissed of delivery guy to get them to move the car. He told them again, do not park in front of the dumpster because he will be throwing things in it and he didn't want to break their car. They continue to park there. Also, they explained that it was the wife's birthday Sunday night and they got too drunk and forgot.

The dumpster man was supposed to pick up the dumpster 3 weeks ago. It is still at our house. I believe it's because he came to pick it up and their car was in front of it. My boyfriend told them keep the car out that day but I don't believe them that they did.

My boyfriend isn't sure what to do now, he does not want the neighborly relationship to be damaged by telling them off, but I'm done caring. I really don't mind telling them off but he thinks we have no ground because we have our toilets sitting in the backyard and that annoys the wife apparently. But their house is pretty trashy, one of the worst on the street. Obviously our is bad because of renovation but eventually it will be a nice middle class house, but they have a dead tree in their backyard that falls on to our yard that we don't complain about.

How can we politely buy firmly get them to stop parking in our spot?

tldr told neighbors to stop parking in our parking spot because we are renovating and they continue to park there.

# ? Apr 23, 2017 13:33

WoodrowSkillson: Feb 24, 2005; *Gestures at 60 years of Lions history*

Skratte posted:

A car crashed into my [23M] sisters [26F] house and it missed her baby's [8m] cot by a few feet. My father decided this would be a good time to tell her she's overreacting.Non-Romantic

submitted 3 hours ago by SistersHouse

God dammit this tells us nothing about the sisters reaction. Is she like, calling a voodoo priest to cast spells to protect the baby? Is she just upset and paranoid? Is she already building a laser turret to shoot future trespassing vehicles?

# ? Apr 23, 2017 13:40

WampaLord: Jan 14, 2010

WoodrowSkillson posted:

God dammit this tells us nothing about the sisters reaction. Is she like, calling a voodoo priest to cast spells to protect the baby? Is she just upset and paranoid? Is she already building a laser turret to shoot future trespassing vehicles?

A comment from the OP:

quote:

She's being more vigilant of the baby. The slightest noise and she checks on him. She's being holding him more. He hits on her lap for most of the day. His cots in her room. Stuff like that.

Pretty normal stuff for such a traumatic thing, imo.

# ? Apr 23, 2017 13:46

Panfilo: Aug 27, 2011; Can't post for 9 days!

It's normal for parents, especially new parents to be protective of their baby. For a parent whose baby almost got run over by a drunk driver crashing into their house I would definitely think her reaction was perfectly reasonable. Hell, I have some friends who live in a corner lot and they arranged their nursery specifically to put the crib as far away from any potential point of impact if such an incident occurred.

And this just goes back to the million and one times a woman's concerns and gut fears are dismissed by a man. With women, ESPECIALLY mothers, it's damned if you do, damned if you don't. Either they are horrible neglectful mothers or grossly overreacting helicopter moms.

# ? Apr 23, 2017 16:33

DragQueenofAngmar: Dec 29, 2009; You shall not pass!

I (31M) love my SO(29F) but her relationship with her son(16M) throws me off a bit.

quote:

Throwaway. Faith and I have been dating for a little over 7 months. She's a great woman, wonderful career, attractive. The sex is amazing, we go on weekly dates etc. for the first 5 months faith decided that she would sometimes spend the night at my place. She has a 16 year old son & (understandably) she didn't want me staying the night until she was comfortable enough to bring me around him. I respected her wishes of course.

For clarification I have met her son Jason, he's a cool kid. We talk sometimes. I try to tap into his interests cause I really do love faith & having an absent father I know how it feels to grow up without a dad. I do plan on marrying faith eventually. Now usually when I see Jason it's mostly when I'm picking his mom up for our dates, if I stop by on my lunch break to see her and he's just getting home from school.

I never spend a lot of time at her house. Now here's my issue. I finally spend the night at faiths house, mostly weekdays when I go to work. And I noticed some very odd behavior between her and her son. By the way, faith never specifically told me why his dad isn't around, they weren't married, she had the baby and he surrendered all of his parental rights according to her.

So for the last two months these are some example of what I consider very strange behavior.

-Coddling. Faith bascially waits on Jason hand and foot. If faith cooked dinner she will make Jason's plate, he'll take one bite and say he wants something else, so she'll throw his food away and start cooking or ordering something else.

-extremely creepy close relationship. When faith and I got in after seeing a movie (around 11PM) Jason was in her bed in his boxers, she says "not tonight honey insert my name is staying over, go in your room(they sometimes sleep in the same bed)

-faith and I will be having sex, late night, we keep it quiet, Jason will be coughing and she will literally jump out of bed in the middle of sex and see what's wrong with him. I know this could be because of health problems but it's still weird to me.

-in the morning she pulls him out of bed, washes his face, she even brushes his teeth. This wouldn't be a big deal if he wasn't a junior in high school. He's a normal functional teenager.

-passive aggressive attitude. Sometimes when faith kicks him out the bed the next morning he will give me cold stares, intentionally bumb into me, when I ask if he wants to go out for a bite to eat he'll have a very cold attitude with me

Bascially, she coddles him. Now I don't have children but I would like to one day in the future as faith knows. But her behavior towards her almost adult son is really creepy. And one last red flag was when faith had some furniture coming in, she asked me to take some old dressers out, she took some papers out the draw and placed them on the kitchen table, after I took the dresser out and went to get some water there was a photo of her, her son (probably age 6) and a man who's face was cut out of the photo. I've had a hard time confronting faith about her very clingy behavior to her son because as I said 1-I'm childless, 2-I don't want her to think I'm insulting her parenting. I know it's not normal, but it's kind of weirding me out & makes me question having a child with her one day. Should I ask her about it, leave it alone and get over the relationship she has with her son, or should I stop wasting my time now? Btw by wasting my time I mean staying with a woman I may have changed my mind about having kids with? We have talked about it and she said she wants to have another baby when the time is right. Thanks

TL;DR-my girlfriend is perfect in every way but after I began spending more time in her home I noticed how very (what I deem inappropriate creepy) relationship with her fully functional teenage son makes me wonder if I should continue the relationship.