- Barudak
- May 7, 2007
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Wow, a rare care of everyone sucking poo poo. Women obsessed with consumerism, men who don't support them, and children who will grow up to have tantrums because they got a Rebecca Minkoff instead of a Botega Venetta.
Theyre not the same at all and you know it!!!
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May 4, 2017 23:55
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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May 20, 2024 20:34
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- Haifisch
- Nov 13, 2010
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Objection! I object! That was... objectionable!
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Taco Defender
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I [22 M] am doing a big standup show in a few weeks and I'm terrified my material is going to offend my friends & family attending.]
quote:I've been doing standup for about a year and half now, and I have a fairly big showcase at a comedy club. There will probably be 100 - 200 people there. Because the show is a big deal, I'm inviting anybody who has ever expressed interest in seeing me perform. Parents, brother, cousins, old friends, coworkers, etc.
It's the first time any of these people have seen me do standup, so they have no idea what kind of material I write.
I come from a religious background. My brother is a pastor, a ton of my old friends are religious and the majority of my coworkers are religious too. One upside is that most of them happen to be the "cool" kind of religious. Like the "I love jesus and I love Kanye West, but I don't agree with Kanye on a morality standpoint, just his dope beats."
Over the past few years I have transitioned from being very religious to not religious at all, but I haven't told that to any of them publicly(I don't have any religion jokes, so I won't be outing myself on stage, but most of them will probably get the hint).
My material is most definitely rated R. I have jokes that involve oral sex, cum, weed, masturbation, boners, etc. They're not "shock-value" jokes about that stuff, but my premises include those topics. It's my unfiltered, vulnerable thoughts & jokes.
I'm definitely not known as a person with a filter, so I think everybody might assume how I speak to them at work or in person is the darkest/dirtiest I'll go.
My biggest fear is that my parents will think it's gross and I'm a horrible person, my brother who is a pastor will not respect me as a comic, my coworkers will treat me differently, and my coworker's spouses (who will probably come to the show) will think I'm a loving lunatic.
Are my fears irrational? Should I just be myself on stage and not give a gently caress?
tl;dr: I'm doing a stand up show soon. I have dirty jokes and I have a fear that I'll burn bridges and make things weird if my family & coworkers hear them.
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May 4, 2017 23:57
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- Barudak
- May 7, 2007
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Listen Gleep-Glorp, this tour of your planet and civilization are great and all but Im gonna cut to the chase. How many holes and protrusions do your people have?
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May 4, 2017 23:58
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- Pick
- Jul 19, 2009
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Nap Ghost
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Theyre not the same at all and you know it!!!
"I'm sorry, honey... daddy's been having a hard time finding venture capitalists this year. It's looking like this might be a Kate Spade year..."
"I HATE YOU!! I HATE YOU!! I WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BORN!!!!"
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May 4, 2017 23:58
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- Barudak
- May 7, 2007
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I [22 M] am doing a big standup show in a few weeks and I'm terrified my material is going to offend my friends & family attending.]
Nothing could go wrong here!
Wow, someone has a hell of a humiliation fetish.
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May 4, 2017 23:59
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- Nazzadan
- Jun 22, 2016
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How to tell my (18F) close minded father(63M) I received a free scholarship 2 week trip abroad?
quote:Hi! I'm a high school senior from the US. This morning I found out I won a trip to either Hungary doing volunteer work with refugees or Czech Republic exploring their culture. The whole trip is paid for except for a ticket to and from New York which I can afford myself. I'm so excited! I'm scared to cross the water in a plane though. It makes me feel kind of sick.
But anyways, some background on me. I'm 18 and live with my dad along with much older siblings who treat us like crap. My momma died about a month before I began high school and my dad was diagnosed with cancer in the middle of my junior year. He has been doing very good though! Still does occasional chemo. We are very low income due to him having to retire early, my siblings being garbage, and me saving up for community college and an apartment.
My dad and I have a great relationship. We argue about things but he loves me very much and I love him. We spend lunch together every day. He's over protective though. It took him 6 months to "be ok" enough to let me go to the east coast to visit my boyfriend and his family. And most of it was because I'm 18 and could decide for myself if I want to go. But I needed and still would need him to be relaxed enough for me to go. I don't want him getting sicker while I'm gone from stress. My dad won't be proud I won this scholarship. He'll look in every corner of the internet to prove why I shouldn't go. Make jokes that I'm leaving him. Tell me right out he won't be okay with it. This is worse than a trip to the east coast as it's to a different continent! And my dad is... Close minded.
He used to be the biggest hippie but ever since my mom passed on he's gotten worse. He's more racist, islamophobic, and dear God he watches infowars and his best friend and him talk about it almost daily. If you don't know what infowars is PLEASE look it up. Its not news, but he thinks it's an "unbiased" source.
I don't know what and how to tell my dad that I'm going to one of these places. I don't know how to get his "blessing". I've been taking care of it myself so far, even starting on my passport. But the next step is getting him to consent through email. And I would have to tell him at one point or another. I don't know what to do.
PS the program is with AFS. If anyone's interested.
TLDR Dad is the type of guy to watch INFOWARS. He is elderly and sick. How to tell him I won a scholarship to go abroad when he'll be very much against it?
Top comment OP responded to
quote:I don't want him getting sicker while I'm gone from stress.
He won't.
Dad is the type of guy to watch INFOWARS. He is elderly and sick. How to tell him I won a scholarship to go abroad when he'll be very much against it?
"Hey dad, I'm going on this trip and it's completely funded!"
I know you want his support but you know you're not going to get it. Don't let his closemindedness keep you from pursuing opportunities. OP posted:Wonderful advice thank you 
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May 4, 2017 23:59
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- Pick
- Jul 19, 2009
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Nap Ghost
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Gleep-Glorp: *teleconferences with its home planet* yes... the humans... they certainly are a unique and vibrant culture. unfortunately, diplomatic relations may be difficult... they are really upset that we do not have breasts
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May 5, 2017 00:00
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- NomChompsky
- Sep 17, 2008
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*extraterrestrial being pulls out the painstakingly translated message from the newly discovered human species"
Hmmm "want sum gently caress"
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May 5, 2017 00:03
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- christmas boots
- Oct 15, 2012
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To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out
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Biscuit Hider
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My girlfriend [20F] refused my kiss after a sports match and I [24M] feel embarrassed.
quote:GF and I dating 2 years. I love her a lot. We rarely ever have fights but two nights ago we had a fight about her contact with her male friends. I had found out she was still texting a friend of hers who she said had a "huge crush on her". I told her to block him on her phone but she refused and we got into a fight.
She ignored me for one whole day. The next day, I had a sports match to attend. She came with me begrudgingly. She's never mad at me for too long so I thought the fresh air and other people would distract her and help her get over it. However, it did not.
She was mostly talking with one of her girl friends throughout the match, not really even paying attention to the game. Later, my team won and she was supposed to present us with the trophy (it had been arranged before). When she gave it to me I leaned in to kiss her on the lips but she dodged me and turned away.
It was super awkward and EVERYONE saw it (maybe 200 ish people). A lot of our mutual friends were in attendance. It was embarassing and my guy friends were teasing me about it afterwards.
I confronted her about it afterwards and she started to cry...what should I do?
TL;DR: My GF and I have been in a fight. She was ignoring me for a day and a half. After a sports match and she was handing me the trophy, she dodged my kiss in a super awkward way and everyone saw. It was embarassing and I tried to confront her but she ended up crying. Whats wrong with her?
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May 5, 2017 00:04
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- NomChompsky
- Sep 17, 2008
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She banged that "crush" the moment your little fight ended lol.
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May 5, 2017 00:06
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- AmiYumi
- Oct 10, 2005
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I FORGOT TO HAIL KING TORG
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He's gonna be totally blindsided by this breakup no matter how many signs are on the way, huh?
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May 5, 2017 00:08
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- christmas boots
- Oct 15, 2012
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To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out
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Biscuit Hider
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What is more mysterious than the heart of a woman?
Me [40M] finds that I cease to exist for female [30 F] exes. 0 Contact. Same with my male friends. Why? duration, short-description
quote:Personally I like to check in with my -certain of my- exes and see how they are, even if it is a FB msg or brief email once every 6 or 36 months. Because I care, hope they are well and am interested. No ulterior motives. But me and my friends find that (almost) all our exes (unless they still want to get with us, which is rather rare after many years of separation) simply never bother to initiate this type of thing or even do not respond. Why? The women in question were every age, from 18 to 42.
It can't be the type of women I dated. Am 40, have dated quite a lot and varied people, including some multi year relationships. My friends have different taste in women and there is no way we all treated all the exes badly, not even close. It is true we were usually not the dumped party but we certainly didn't treat them all bad (a scant few when we were young/stupid) nor ended every relationship only on a sour note. So why do we cease to exist to specific girls that once were crazy about us and called us (one of the) most important persons in their life? What makes the difference for you whether you will still take an interest in an ex and initiate keeping in touch or some sort of slight relationship or friendship?
tl;dr: Why do none of my female exes have interest in staying in touch after breakup?
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May 5, 2017 00:09
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- Improbable Lobster
- Jan 6, 2012
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"From each according to his ability" said Ares. It sounded like a quotation.
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Buglord
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It turns out that everything else that evolved intelligence reproduces asexually and finds us gross
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May 5, 2017 00:19
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- brakeless
- Apr 11, 2011
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Our best hope for a long-term future is that it plays out like one of those sci-fi stories where a race of supremely harmonious beings uplifts humanity only to realize too late that they just handed the keys to the galaxy to a bunch of horny violent apes.
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May 5, 2017 00:23
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- dudeness
- Mar 5, 2010
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 Cat Army
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Fallen Rib
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Our best hope for a long-term future is that it plays out like one of those sci-fi stories where a race of supremely harmonious beings uplifts humanity only to realize too late that they just handed the keys to the galaxy to a bunch of horny violent apes.
I thought your username was braless and it inspired this next find.
Me 18f with 21m bf of 9 months
quote: We have been together since January. And even tough its only been a short while and I am still a baby I can tell you that this is who I am spending my life with.
I should probably add in that we live together when I'm not at school. So really this shouldn't feel this weird but it does.
But I attend uni. I'm broke. Boyfriend works full time. He is not broke. Seriously he is rich, he sucks. I don't have a bra that fits or shoes without holes. I poo poo you not, I've been braless for weeks now. My tits just wont stop growing. Stupid birth control and fries.
I talked about getting a second job. He offers me money, I tell him no. I pay my own way in this world. I don't ask people for money, its not who I am.
And yes, I already have a job. Including tips and salary, I average about 150 a weekend and only work 7.5 hours. But alas it is not enough.
I legitly spent my last $50 of tip money last weekend on a hamster. He now loves our hamster. I continue to talk about getting a second job or selling our hamster. The hamster is so costly actually.
He then decides to wire me money.
I say no and its still happens. After an hour of me saying no I finally just accept it.
His reasoning was: all my coworkers support their girlfriends.
It was so hard to not tell him that his coworkers girlfriends are jobless losers with no license or drive in life (no drive cuz they cant drive haha). Seriously, I'm not being mean here, those girls are a piece of work.
I told him its a loan and whatever he wires will be paid back in full + 5%.
He says whenever, Im not worried. Dick. (kidding)
Which is true, I will pay it back after working all summer or after I am finished school. I am keeping a record of it. I know he will not let me pay it back to him in person so I will sneakily etransfer it to him.
But, why do I feel so weird about this?
tl;dr: bf gives me money
(emphasis added)
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May 5, 2017 00:29
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- brakeless
- Apr 11, 2011
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I thought your username was braless and it inspired this next find.
call me big boy, we got some nippy weather coming iykwim
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May 5, 2017 00:31
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- Pick
- Jul 19, 2009
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Nap Ghost
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Sighr-erit-oerijeeeblat: *begins transmission* datalog 394;29.3248-5. human sociality continues to mystify us. at first we were delighted to know that humans had already developed sufficient diplomatic finesse and empathy to intimately bridge the species boundaries on their own planet. unfortunately, we did not realize at the time that they are the only sapient species on their planet :{
... furthermore, the human, suffering from some sort of severe malfunction in its mate recognition processes, will often repeatedly attempt to mate with its own hands
Rfir-blokr-sippo: Mo Sighr! *salutes* we have received word that some humans have developed sexual relationships with washing machines and suction cleaners, to the point that this appears to be the primary purpose of these devices in many households. what do we tell homeworld??
Sighr-erit-oerijeeeblat: *buries its head in its tentacles*
Pick fucked around with this message at 00:37 on May 5, 2017
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May 5, 2017 00:33
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- Barudak
- May 7, 2007
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Gleep-Glorp is runnig, shouting but its too late. The first colonists are already aboard. He howls up to the sky, "The Rules for Desire is a gently caress book!"
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May 5, 2017 00:37
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- christmas boots
- Oct 15, 2012
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To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out
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Biscuit Hider
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The real problem is when our sex weird ways corrupt the aliens and they become like us.
I [23M] think that I've fallen in love with an escort girl [26F]
quote:
Hi /r/relationships.
First, let me apologize for my english. I'm not a native speaker and I still have much to learn.
Some quick info about my past relationships. I don't really know how relationships works with other people. I don't discuss this kind of things with others. I like to keep it personal. But I always had issues with really starting to care(really love them) others. In my past 3 relationships it always took me some time to develop that feeling. And I still don't think that it was a true love from my side. Maybe I judge people too much. Or it takes time for me to trust them. I don't know.
Few months ago I went through a heavy depression. It was really bad, but I managed to get over it. During that time I distanced from my friends and family. And It one point I wanted to talk about my issues with someone. But I find it hard to communicate about these things with my family. And for some weird reason, I thought that maybe I could try to visit an escort girl. I'm not really fond of sex with strangers. I don't think that like I'm like some guys with this. I need some feelings with it... So I had no idea how it would go. I wanted to try it, and then have a chat with her (if she did not mind) about my issues.
During my first visit I was really nervous. And in the end, I did not manage to talk about it with her. Even though she said I can talk about anything. On the second visit, she offered to go for a dinner after the "session". So we went to some restaurant and I finally managed to talk about my issues.
I have to admit that it helped me a lot. And I learned to open a little bit to my friends too thanks to it.
After that I visited her few more times (around 10-15 total?). Few times we to a dinner, or just chatted at her place. Sometimes even for 2-3 hours. She even talked about some stuff that has come to her mind during the time that we did not see each other. So that was kind of nice to hear.
After the first few sessions she even started saying that she would not even mind if I forgot to pay. Her attitude (during sex) changed a lot too (more intimate). In one of our long discussions, we talked about relationships and she even said to me that she thinks that I would be better with an older woman.
And during our last session (2 weeks ago) I realized that I really started to like her. I can atleast imagine her as my partner (might sound stupid, but that's how I think). Imagine her as someone who I could slowly develop some feelings for (rarely happens).
So, let's think about it logically. She needs clients. She has a job too, but it is only part-time and she does not make enough to live properly. So this kind of behaviour can be just because she wants her clients (not just me) to come back. But once she even jokingly said to me, that if I ever find that older woman I will ge forbidden from visiting her. So I still think that there is a small chance that she has some feelings for me?
Either way, there are 3 ways how this can end. 1) I do nothing. I can keep visiting her sometimes and never tell anything. I don't that this is good, because if I develop stronger feelings over time, it will be harder for me to find someone else in my life. So this is not going to happen. 2) I stop visiting her. I have to say, that I might even enjoy her company more than the actual sex. When I'm on my way to her place, I'm looking for the things that we will talk about again etc. And as I mentioned, I need atleast some feelings during sex, so I will propably never visit another escort. I don't feel the need too. I would have even stopped visiting her if I did not enjoyed her company so much. 3) I will tell her about my feelings.
Right now I cannot decide if 2nd and 3rd is the best option. But I think that 3rd one is the best. Because even if she tells me that she does not have any feelings, or don't want to date clients, it will be the same as 2nd option. We will just say goodbye to eachother and never see eachother again.
But right now I have issue with how should I approach her about it. Like if I should her everything like I told you? Or should I just ask her casualy for a date? I don't know if it would be better to say to her that I have some strong feelings for her, or just play it casualy... So I plan to visit her next week. I will definitely don't want to have sex with her, because that could only affect my mind during our converstaion.
Honestly, I don't even know what I expect from you guys... Maybe is there something that I don't see and I'm really stupid? Like, she's an escort. Yeah, so what? I'm one of her clients. Everybody has reasons for the things that we do. And she is even trying to get out of the business. And I believe that. So I propably just need a boost for my confidence. When I'm thinking about revealing my feelings I feel like a teenager that has no idea what he's doing. Or if you think that I'm really stupid for even thinking about it, say it. I'm ready for anything.
I'm will try to answer any questions if you have any. And thank you so much for reading and typing your answer. I really appreciate it.
tl;dr: I have developed strong feelings for an escort girl. I'm not sure if she has some feelings for me too, but I think that she has. But that can be just how she treats other clients too. So I cannot decide if I'm stupid and I should stop seeing her, or if I should tell her about my feelings? If so, how? Just casually ask for a date, or reveal that I already really like her?
Thank you
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May 5, 2017 00:49
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- Pick
- Jul 19, 2009
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Nap Ghost
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Prostitutes are people too, find out of she wants to date you and is willing to give up the prostitution bit (probably yes, honestly). 
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May 5, 2017 00:50
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- Improbable Lobster
- Jan 6, 2012
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"From each according to his ability" said Ares. It sounded like a quotation.
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Buglord
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The real problem is when our sex weird ways corrupt the aliens and they become like us.
Here lies the gently caress-Ruins of the Cromblas species of Medulla IV, brought low by the Human Boner Imperium
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May 5, 2017 00:53
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- christmas boots
- Oct 15, 2012
-
To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out
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Biscuit Hider
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Doesn't that come back to the whole "falling in love with a stripper thing" though? Building that emotional connection is a part of what they do, but that doesn't make it genuine.
But as long as he isn't a creep about it, I guess he should be fine.
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May 5, 2017 00:52
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- christmas boots
- Oct 15, 2012
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To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out
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Biscuit Hider
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Sorry, the OP's follow up comment on this one compels me to post it.
quote:The girl I have loved since 13 (M/25)
quote:I don't know if this belongs here, but r/love seems kind of lame so here it goes. I've loved this girl since 7th grade. We have always been close, sometimes best friends, sometimes from a distance. I did a lot of drugs in high school and definitely wasn't boyfriend material and moved continents after graduating. I had a 4 year relationship that ended, I enjoyed single life, I focused on work and life in a foreign country.
I don't think there's been a day in my life where I haven't thought of this girl. Today is my last day visiting my hometown and we spent the evening together, and I'm laying in bed listening to kendricks new album, contemplating why I am getting on this flight, why I can't have this girl. What's bugging me the most is the thought of never loving anyone like I love this girl. Getting older, being alone, watching her get married and having family.
TL;DR hopelessly in love
quote:So, what's preventing you from asking her out or telling her how you feel?
quote:I told her I love her in high school. She didn't love me then. I'm scared to tell her again. She dated a guy from high school up until last year, it ended really badly.
Today, we made wishes at a fountain downtown and I asked her what she wished for. She told me so I told her what I wished for. I wished that she would kiss me. "Why are you doing this to me?" Was her response. It was a touching moment but I was to afraid to respond.
Reddit is apparently split on the meaning of her comment lol
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May 5, 2017 00:56
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- Improbable Lobster
- Jan 6, 2012
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"From each according to his ability" said Ares. It sounded like a quotation.
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Buglord
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It doesn't matter how grotesque and Cronenburgian alien life is, people will want to gently caress them and post on Reddit about it.
Cronenberg films are already all about loving
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May 5, 2017 01:01
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- Pick
- Jul 19, 2009
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Nap Ghost
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Cronenberg films are already all about loving
I always feel bad for the fly man at the end and there's a part of me that things that love should be able to overcome this obstacle.
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May 5, 2017 01:01
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- Pick
- Jul 19, 2009
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Nap Ghost
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I'd hug and love the mutated dog from the second film, no question.
alien ship: *woosh hyperspeed*
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May 5, 2017 01:08
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- La Brea Carpet
- Nov 22, 2007
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I have no mouth and I must post
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Commander Cloppinginton of the Royal Equine Navy sighed as he settled his long frame in front of the datacomp. Today was supposed to be the highlight of his career, years of work and sacrifice leading to this moment. He was filled with pride the day he found out he was to lead the first contact party.
They had landed outside a small town in a rural area of the largest continent. Having studied the aliens he was aware of their unique anatomy but was unprepared to experience their physiology in the flesh.
The men were stunted twisted creatures, eyes hollow and greedy. The women larger than the men, their broad shoulders used to carrying the burdens of society.
Before he could raise a hoof in greeting, the men gathered in front of the women, salivating with anticipation. In eerie unison they began to chant "Berth El Pup. Berth El Pup."
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May 5, 2017 01:11
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- Barudak
- May 7, 2007
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The alien council commissions, then cancels, a documentary about life on earth after the content is considered too lewd for sentient life.
I thought your username was braless and it inspired this next find.
Me 18f with 21m bf of 9 months
(emphasis added)
Well if she blows her money on another hamster and then a bungie cord the problem will be fixed.
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May 5, 2017 01:13
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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#
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May 20, 2024 20:34
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- Improbable Lobster
- Jan 6, 2012
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"From each according to his ability" said Ares. It sounded like a quotation.
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Buglord
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I always feel bad for the fly man at the end and there's a part of me that things that love should be able to overcome this obstacle.
A bath and moisturizer would do wonders for Brundlefly
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May 5, 2017 01:14
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May 4, 2017 23:55
"Nope no intelligent life here moving on" 
