- MF_James
- May 8, 2008
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I CANNOT HANDLE BEING CALLED OUT ON MY DUMBASS OPINIONS ABOUT ANTI-VIRUS AND SECURITY. I REALLY LIKE TO THINK THAT I KNOW THINGS HERE
INSTEAD I AM GOING TO WHINE ABOUT IT IN OTHER THREADS SO MY OPINION CAN FEEL VALIDATED IN AN ECHO CHAMBER I LIKE
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A bath and moisturizer would do wonders for Brundlefly
They have laid eggs in his brain/ears, that's why they're always buzzing around, just tryin to get home to feed the kids.
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May 5, 2017 01:14
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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May 29, 2024 14:43
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- Pick
- Jul 19, 2009
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Nap Ghost
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The alien council commissions, then cancels, a documentary about life on earth after the content is considered too lewd for sentient life.
Coming of Age on Earth is banned in multiple systems, and slanderous allegations are heaped on the original ethnographer. It is important to the fabric of galactic civilization that such a story is never told, much less believed...
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May 5, 2017 01:17
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- Pick
- Jul 19, 2009
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Nap Ghost
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F'blorgnarp: *watches a human rhythmically bump itself against its external cthlorbing flaps* psst... V'moborthar.... what is it doing??
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May 5, 2017 01:22
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- ArbitraryC
- Jan 28, 2009
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Pick a number, any number
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Pillbug
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My girlfriend [20F] refused my kiss after a sports match and I [24M] feel embarrassed.
The comments are super funny, just a bunch of people telling him how controlling he was when he told her to cut contact with the dude actively chasing her rear end.
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May 5, 2017 01:27
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- Barudak
- May 7, 2007
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Actually most intelligent alien species murder the male partner after intercourse, as they have enough genetic material to produce hundreds of offsprings from a single coupling, the efficient social dynamics that emerge from this sexual contract allows them to develop space travel. The rest reproduce asexually and have no fucks to give.
A hundred human males rush the female with the loaded blaster. "gently caress me! gently caress me! gently caress me!", they shout as a discordent crowd. With only five shots left she fires, hitting one and killing him instantly with a stream of molten plasma, but the rest keep coming. She fires again, again, and again but the howling grows louder. Gods be damned for making such a hellacious race, she thinks before finally turning the blaster on herself.
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May 5, 2017 01:27
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- Improbable Lobster
- Jan 6, 2012
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"From each according to his ability" said Ares. It sounded like a quotation.
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Buglord
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These rubber approximations of human genitalia seem to serve some sort of ceremonial purpose in human culture. While outwardly reviled, they are often found in special containers in the human home. Perhaps they are some sort of ceremonial mark of shame or regret? Further research in required to understand this enigma.
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May 5, 2017 01:30
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- Pick
- Jul 19, 2009
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Nap Ghost
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/r/relationships: [ALARMED ALIEN NOISES]
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May 5, 2017 01:30
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- dudeness
- Mar 5, 2010
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 Cat Army
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Fallen Rib
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This ones a bit 
Wife caught me cheating and now i don't know where she is
quote:
I know I am an rear end in a top hat and cheating is stupid but now it's too late. There's no need for condemnations I just need your advice.
So here's the story:
Me(26) and my wife(25) live together for 3 years in our own house, no kids. Last wednesday she went to visit her parents for a week. I didn't come with her because I had work to do. So yesteraday, stupid me took a prostitute home with me. It's not that I don't love my wife, but I'm into some "extraordinary" stuff, and my wife prefers usual (aka boring) sex. However, like in a bad movie, suddenly my wife stood in the room and before i realize it she left without saying a word. Now she's gone (with the car) and she doesn't answer her phone. I called the parents but they also don't know where she is.
TL;DR Wife caught me with a hooker. Nobody knows where she is now
What should I do, should i call the police? I'm pretty sure she's shocked as hell, I mean she saw me doing this crazy stuff with a hooker. I don't want her to hurt herself.
UPDATE: Now she has turned off her phone. Guys, should I call the cops?
UPDATE: I'm relieved, she called. But now it's getting ridiculous, she wants to stay with her friend and doesn't want to come home. She could at least talk things out with me.
Oh wow that's bad i hope it wasn't anything too crazy
quote:Hell NO. Just to make this clear and no one else has to ask.: I was about to have a crap on the prostitutes belly, when the wife entered the room. And gently caress, I can understand that this must be disturbing but I really didn't want to hurt her.
oh, oh no. But obviously this ends with her leaving right?
[UPDATE] Wife caught me cheating and now I don't know where she is
quote:TL;DR Wife caught me with a hooker. Nobody knows where she is now
Hey guys, even though none of you gave me any helpful advice I want to give you an update. My wife stayed for two days at her friend but we had contact via phone. Yesterday she came over and we talked things out. Well actually, we yelled at each other for a while. But finally we came to the conclusion that we both made a huge fuss about nothing. I will never cheat on my wife again (I'm serious) and she agreed to respect my sexual interests.
To cut a long story short: We are back together.
And hey Reddit, thanks.
well gently caress, there goes my faith in humanity. Oh also he posted some pics of "chocolate cookies" he made in the r/food subreddit and i don't know if they are or aren't and i don't want to know.
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May 5, 2017 01:43
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- Haifisch
- Nov 13, 2010
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Objection! I object! That was... objectionable!
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Taco Defender
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Me [26/F] with my sister [36/F]. My religious sister thinks I'm going to corrupt her kids
quote:My sister is a hardcore christian and refuses to let me babysit any of her kids alone. She has 3 kids: a 4 yr old, 7 yr old, and 13 yr old. The 13 yr old just started high school, and ever since then she's been paranoid that he is going to make friends with a bad crowd and rebel against her. She is a major control freak, and tries to control every aspect of her kids lives. My other family members think she's nuts with how protective she is. Her husband is not as overly protective, but he is very aggressive with the kids. If any of the kids have a different opinion from the parents, it is considered disrespect and they are immediately dealt with through physical force. Many times, they have punished their kids so aggressively I've had to look away because it's too much. It's total abuse of authority. They justify their behaviour because it says in the bible "spare the rod, spoil the child".
When her 13 yr old was younger (around 5), he started to act out. Because his father was overly aggressive with him, he started to abuse animals. They got a puppy when he was 5, and he put the puppy in a hamper and pushed it down the top of the stairs. My parents had some old cats that were too lazy to ever scratch anyone. He would disappear with the cats and suddenly come back crying because the cats scratched him. These cats grew up with kids, and not one of my siblings had ever been scratched by them. One of the cats had such an aversion to this kid, if my nephew walked in the same room as the cat, the cat would start hissing and acting really weird. This was VERY unusual behaviour for our cat. But my sister blamed the cat, not her son. The animal abuse continued all the way until he was 9. I've witnessed him throwing rocks at cats, and he would abuse their own dog by pinching/punching it. I confronted my sister on the animal abuse, and all she could say is that some guys are just mean to animals. His father also takes pride in being mean to cats. If he see's one on the road while he's driving, he will purposely swerve the car to hit the cat. Oh, and his kids have been in the backseat while he's tried doing this.
It didn't just stop at animals. He also started abusing his younger siblings. When he was 7 his little sister was born. By 2 she had a bunch of mysterious bruises all over her, and she'd say her brother did it. My sister did nothing about this! Nothing until the schools started calling. The teachers said her son was so difficult in class, they wanted him to see a psychologist once a week.
I feel really bad for my nephew. His father is much harder on him than the other kids, and has always been. I know he isn't evil, he's just a product of his environment. My nephew loves hanging out with me. When I've babysat him in the past, he'd open up to me. He'd ask me about religion, gay people - basically anything that he's not allowed asking his parents about. I never once tried to corrupt him. Whenever he'd asked me about this stuff, I'd try to keep it to what the bible says about it (even though I don't agree with it). He once asked me if he could play call of duty, and that he wouldn't tell his mom if I let him. I said nope because if his mom knew she'd be super disappointed. I also have a cat and a snake, and when he's with me he's nice to both animals. He actually likes my cat. Since he's taken a liking to the cat he's started being nicer to cats in general. My nephew is not a lush at all, but every time he'd come over alone, he gives me a big hug and says I love you and love hanging out with you so much.
My sister found out a few years ago that I smoked weed, and ever since then I haven't been allowed to be alone with her kids. I live in Canada, and weed is in the process of becoming legal (we just voted in a new prime minister that is completely changing the legal system regarding marijuana. His hope is to have weed legal by April 20th, 2016). My mom is just as much of a christian as my sister, but she has no issues with marijuana. My mom grew up in the 60s, so weed to her is nothing as long as I'm not doing acid or hard drugs. My sister never rebelled against my parents. She never tried any drugs, so she thinks all drugs are the same. I've never said anything about weed to her kids. I haven't done anything wrong but try and be a positive example to her kids. Now, I'm not allowed to see them without her or her husband in the same room. I can't even take her kids to the movies without an escort. It's complete bullshit, because her husband gets drunk almost every second night. He drinks 4 beers in an hour and claims he's sober. My sister believes this nonsense because she doesn't drink at all.
I feel like my sister is being so selfish. Her kids need a break from her and her husband. She also tells them I'm crazy (she does this in an attempt to manipulate them into not believing a word I say incase I try to corrupt them), that I'm going to burn in hell and if they listen to me they'll go to hell, too. Like I said, my other family members think she's gone way over board. What do I do? I want to just gently caress off and move out of the city, but I feel like her kids need me. I also want to tell her to gently caress off (there has been no confrontation between us at all, I've heard about her motives through the family grapevine), but I know the end result of that will not be positive. What would you do?
tl;dr My religious sister has a fear I am going to corrupt her kids because I am not religious and smoke weed. I am not allowed to hang out with her kids alone. I have never done anything behind her back to corrupt her kids.
all the replies posted:Call CPS!
quote:UPDATE: I've decided that before I go to child services, I'm going to show my sister and her husband this reddit post and everyone's comments. Thank you all for your advice.
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May 5, 2017 01:54
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- Barudak
- May 7, 2007
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How exactly is wife going to respect his sexual urges without him cheating? Is he allowed an inflatable doll thats connected to the sewer system?
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May 5, 2017 02:04
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- Pick
- Jul 19, 2009
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Nap Ghost
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7hcA8wFKhYY
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May 5, 2017 02:06
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- Anagram of GINGER
- Oct 3, 2014
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by Smythe
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Do you think he had to pay a lot or a little for this service
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May 5, 2017 02:05
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- Barudak
- May 7, 2007
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Also, lets say youll let making GBS threads on a prostitutes chest slide. How loving rude is it thay he did that at home? Like spring the 55 bucks for a motel 6 where you dont have to clean up jesus christ we live here.
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May 5, 2017 02:06
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- maskenfreiheit
- Dec 30, 2004
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Hi Dan, Hi tech-savvy-at-risk-youth,
I was recently scrolling through my favorite alt-left comedy forum, and came across a post about a man whose wife would not indulge his scat fetish.
My question is: do I not qualify as "GGG" if I won't let my wife poo poo on my chest?
Thanks, love the show.
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May 5, 2017 02:20
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- GRINDCORE MEGGIDO
- Feb 28, 1985
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I was ok with it at first , but weeks later I am freaking out. (self.sex)
quote:submitted 3 years ago * by Quickthrowaway3333
Im going to start out by saying that this is gross. I fully realize how gross it is and I kinda don't want anyone reiterating on how it's gross.
I have been with my SO for about 5, almost 6 years. I am very open to things so when I found out he was into furies, it was no big deal. But a few months ago he brought up that he had a scat (poop) fetish that he was really ashamed off, and how he felt bad for keeping it to himself. I fully believe in not judging for sexuality if it harms no one, so I kinda comforted him about it but it but, deep down it grossed me out. a few weeks passed and one night I got really drunk and...yeah.
The day after I didn't feel anything about it, It was like I made him cum, and he REALLY liked it so I was glad, but the fact I did what I did was almost null.
Well after that sex gets strange, he doesn't really put any effort in other than the basic hump and sleep. He wont even take the time to respond to me really unless it has anything to do with my butt. He puts a lock on his phone and it becomes REALLY obvious hes hiding something, soon I got a view of his pictures and saw some furry images and asked to see them. He kinda knew he was caught so he let me see them.
My reaction was very unexpected, I don't mind furry, but it was drawings of horses...and scat...I kinda freaked out. I didn't say anything to him, just dropped the phone and kinda walked away. I am so angry all of a sudden. I don't get it why isn't normal sex ok for him!!! what the gently caress does he want from me.!!! I am just breaking down and I don't understand why I am suddenly so angry and hurt.
can someone please just give me some incite on what I should do?
TDLR; I did something kinda gross , and I am just now feeling the severity of it all.
Edit: He acts like he doesn't know I dont like it, but I really think he does . we have spent 4 years of our lives constantly with each other, he knows me like the back of his hand, I cant hide crap from him. the fact that this is the ONE thing he is clueless about is kinda unlikely
TDLR; I did something kinda gross , and I am just now feeling the severity of it all.
^^ YOU SHOULD 
GRINDCORE MEGGIDO fucked around with this message at 02:23 on May 5, 2017
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May 5, 2017 02:21
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- Panfilo
- Aug 27, 2011
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Can't post for 13 days!
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"Claude come on here... I got my wings up and my titty out, you gonna make me beg too? "
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May 5, 2017 02:36
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- Barudak
- May 7, 2007
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Reddit, help, the physical manifestation of sexual love has its titties out and her snake friends keep saying "want some gently caress". What does it mean???
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May 5, 2017 02:43
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- boner confessor
- Apr 25, 2013
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by R. Guyovich
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Oh yes, i got something for your palate.
My [25 F] with my boyfriend [26 M] and his friends [20s M] ate all the hot dogs the night before house-warming BBQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=23B017ZVIx4
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May 5, 2017 03:06
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- BOOTY-ADE
- Aug 30, 2006
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BIG KOOL TELLIN' Y'ALL TO KEEP IT TIGHT
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Super Bowl 38 fanart gettin' weirdly obscure
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May 5, 2017 03:14
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- NomChompsky
- Sep 17, 2008
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HORK
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May 5, 2017 03:17
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- ArbitraryC
- Jan 28, 2009
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Pick a number, any number
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Pillbug
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I honestly do not understand the brains of people who get into pee and poo sexually.
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May 5, 2017 03:36
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- Pick
- Jul 19, 2009
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Nap Ghost
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I honestly do not understand the brains of people who get into pee and poo sexually.
This will help:
theyre hosed up
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May 5, 2017 03:42
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- Anagram of GINGER
- Oct 3, 2014
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by Smythe
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I'd guess the horse scat fetish started with My Little Pony hentai, rather than the other way around. There are a lot of art techniques to make an image appealing like shapes and color schemes and curves, and I guess the brain confuses the appeal of the artwork with the subject of the art. And assumes it likes some fetish now. I don't understand wanting to act it out at all.
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May 5, 2017 03:48
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- Anagram of GINGER
- Oct 3, 2014
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by Smythe
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Homeboy's marriage got owned by MLP porn
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May 5, 2017 03:50
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- NomChompsky
- Sep 17, 2008
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I honestly do not understand the brains of people who get into pee and poo sexually.
uh how dare you loving come in here kinkshaming people they're just doing what they want and nobody is getting hurt you loving shitlord genityrant
fuckin STOP POSTING. also TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER. also QUIT YOUR JOB and NEVER GO OUTSIDE.
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May 5, 2017 04:11
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- Panfilo
- Aug 27, 2011
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Can't post for 13 days!
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Look nobody is flipping out about anal sex being sex weird, and anal sex is basically having sex with poop, therefore...
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May 5, 2017 04:14
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- Anagram of GINGER
- Oct 3, 2014
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by Smythe
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Look nobody is flipping out about anal sex being sex weird, and anal sex is basically having sex with poop, therefore...
Except when it's requested that one is in the chamber
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May 5, 2017 04:17
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- La Brea Carpet
- Nov 22, 2007
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I have no mouth and I must post
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In which the OP traded his overbearing mother for her exact clone
Me [30 M] with my GF [27 F] of 3.5 Years, Family and GF hate each other, and I'm stuck in the middleRelationships
quote:
A bit of background: My GF and my family don’t have the best relationship. It makes me very sad. But she hasn’t spoken to them in 9 months because she feels like for the first 3 years of our relationship, they were constantly picking at her and being too demanding, and basically treating me like a child.
My mom has a history of being too involved in my life and trying to issue input where it isn’t wanted. This is where the problems started. She used to demand that my girlfriend and I come out to their house every weekend (15 miles away) and literally just sit and watch movies all day…and would randomly want to come by my house on her way home from work. She would pester me until I agreed. This led to major frustration by my GF, and understandably so.
My girlfriend and my sister’s boyfriend are both studying to be Attorneys. My GF just passed the bar after the 3rd try, and hates my sister’s BF because she claims he told her that “if you can’t pass it the first time, you probably shouldn’t be a lawyer.” I can’t see him saying something like that, and he hasn’t taken it yet himself, but I’m trying to believe her.
My dad is very socially awkward, but my GF thinks that I’m wrong and he’s actually just out to get her. He made small talk once asking if she had interviewed with anyone (she was out of school and had failed the bar the first time), and she took that as major disrespect for him trying to “pry into her personal life.” I think she was being too sensitive on that one…but she also re-painted my whole house last year, and my dad’s first comment was “looks kinda purple, I don’t really care for it.”
WHERE THE PROGLEM REALLY TOOK OFF:
So obviously my GF is not a super fan of my family. But I’ve never felt like my family is “out to get her” or anything…my sister is in a very healthy relationship and they love her BF to death. Granted, I think he’s a suck-up wuss, but that’s a different story. In August of last year, my parents bought us all tickets to go see a broadway musical. We went to brunch beforehand, and my mom brought up a particular university where my sister’s friend wanted to get a masters degree. My girlfriend, rather bluntly, said “don’t go there, that school is for idiots.” My mom got defensive, my GF bucked up, and I ended up having to take my GF and leave because it was so awkward. My mom came by after the show (that we missed), and tried to set things right. In the process, my mom said “if you can’t handle people having different opinions than you, how are you going to be an attorney?” At that point, my GF decided she hated my mom and my family and never wanted to see them again.
CURRENT/TODAY:
This has caused a major issue for me over the last 9 months. My mom has offered to sit down, talk things through, and press the “reset” button on multiple occasions to try to set everything straight, but my GF absolutely refuses to talk to any member of my family. She just wants to be left alone to focus on OUR relationship. She said that she doesn’t feel like I’m fully “in it” with her, and wants to feel that before she opens back up to my family. I understand that, and she’s kinda right because I feel very disconnected on both sides due to this relationship breakdown, but we’re going on a year here….it feels odd.
My GF has made it a “rule” that my own family shouldn’t be in my house, ever. And if they do come by, only in passing, for 5 minutes. Never have them over for dinner, etc. I don’t really know if that’s normal. My sister, who lives 4 hours away, invited me up for the weekend to meet some of her new friends and see the city she lives in, and when I said I was just going to stay at her apartment to save money, my GF called it “incestuous and gross.” I don’t see sleeping on a family member’s couch gross…
On the other hand, my mom and dad have basically demanded that I break up with her. They tell me that they don’t understand how I could be with someone who is “so disrespectful” to them. It’s to the point where they get upset if I ask my girlfriend to watch my dog instead of them if I’m out of town. I feel like both sides of the equation are hammering me, and I’m just stuck in the middle.
My mom/dad don’t treat me like a 30 year old man, though. They got extremely upset that I wanted to spend last Christmas with my GF, and not with the family. They got upset that I didn’t want my mom to pretend to be the easter bunny on Easter. At what point do I start having holidays with “my own family,” (my girlfriend and I)? I feel like they expect me to put them first on every single event, every time.
HELP!
This is very awkward for me. I feel like I can’t mention my family to my GF, and I can’t mention my GF to my family. My GF at this point is neutral towards them, but still wants nothing to do with them. My family asks when I’m breaking up with her every time I see them, which makes me not want to see them. I am basically living two different lives. In my heart, I feel like if my GF truly loved me and wanted to be with me, she would try to start healing this wound….regardless of who started what. And I feel like my mom and dad just don’t see the fact that they’re destroying my relationship by treating me like a child and being petty in their decision making. I don’t know how she can’t see just how stressful and hurtful this is to me. And I cannot continue on living this way. I’m not sure what to do next, and I could use some advice.
Tl;dr: My girlfriend hates my family because she feels like they’ve been petty and disrespectful towards her for the first 3 years of our relationship, and won’t speak to them. My family hates my girlfriend because they feel disrespected that she won’t “just forget about it and come around.” I’m stuck in the middle, and it’s making me hate both sides.
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May 5, 2017 04:18
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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May 29, 2024 14:43
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- Tender Bender
- Sep 17, 2004
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I legitly spent my last $50 of tip money last weekend on a hamster. He now loves our hamster. I continue to talk about getting a second job or selling our hamster. The hamster is so costly actually.
(emphasis added)
This is some dope poetry.
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May 5, 2017 04:21
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May 5, 2017 01:14
http://imgur.com/UzxPM57.jpg
