/r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

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maskenfreiheit: Dec 30, 2004

Improbable Lobster posted:

Not In My Butt, Yo

what what

# ? May 17, 2017 23:36

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# ? May 31, 2024 22:51

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO: Feb 28, 1985

maskenfreiheit posted:

All the Australians I've met were loud as hell and drunk most of the day, but good people deep down

Same, I love ozzies. Day absolutely poo poo? They don't care because they're 100% aware a bright sunny beach and barbecues are going on somewhere. And it's infectious.

# ? May 17, 2017 23:38

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

Batterypowered7 posted:

Didn't even notice!

yeah it adds flavore

# ? May 17, 2017 23:38

maskenfreiheit: Dec 30, 2004

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO posted:

Same, I love ozzies. Day absolutely poo poo? They don't care because they're 100% aware a bright sunny beach and barbecues are going on somewhere. And it's infectious.

only thing that seems to make them angry is fosters, which is australian for gently caress YOU WE DON'T DRINK THAT SHITE

# ? May 17, 2017 23:53

Pvt.Scott: Feb 16, 2007; What God wants, God gets, God help us all

Pick posted:

Because it's men who stare at women who are passed out and think about how much they want to rape them.

You're right, of course. Women just go ahead with the sexual assault, in my experience at least.

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

# ? May 17, 2017 23:55

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

i touched my cat's belly without his consent and he went "rooowr!"

haha just kidding he purred.

# ? May 17, 2017 23:55

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

Pick posted:

i touched my cat's belly without his consent and he went "rooowr!"

haha just kidding he purred.

what is this sick filth

# ? May 17, 2017 23:56

Batterypowered7: Aug 8, 2009; The mist that chills you keeps me warm.

Pick posted:

i touched my cat's belly without his consent and he went "rooowr!"

haha just kidding he purred.

Purring is not a sign of consent. Some cats may still feel pleasure from being pet against their will. That doesn't mean what you did was okay.

# ? May 18, 2017 00:02

Pvt.Scott: Feb 16, 2007; What God wants, God gets, God help us all

Pick posted:

i touched my cat's belly without his consent and he went "rooowr!"

haha just kidding he purred.

Let me know the next time your cat's fianc�e decides to take your dick for a ride while you're passed out drunk on a futon.

# ? May 18, 2017 00:03

maskenfreiheit: Dec 30, 2004

Batterypowered7 posted:

Purring is not a sign of consent. Some cats may still feel pleasure from being pet against their will. That doesn't mean what you did was okay.

# ? May 18, 2017 00:04

Haifisch: Nov 13, 2010; Objection! I object! That was... objectionable!; Taco Defender

I [M25] cheated on my girlfriend [F24] of 3 years. We moved far away from home together and now she wants nothing to do with me.

quote:

I saw another female twice within a two week time span. Both times I made up excuses so she didn't know my whereabouts. Both times I went to see the other female I couldn't put myself through with sex, and the second time bicycled home 40 miles because I couldn't stand to be there. I hid it from my girlfriend and when she found out she kicked me right out and wants nothing to do with me. That was 7 weeks ago. Not much contact since.

She agreed to meet me last night and told me that she would vomit if we shared the same bed again. She told me there was no hope, and I should move back home (5000 miles) but then let me give her a BIG hug and wrapped her arms around me. I'm so confused. Am I a fool for wanting to fight for her love even though she tells me there is no hope and she will never be happy with me again?

TL;DR - sought other female, felt too guilty for sex, hid from girlfriend. I want her but she says she is done with me. Is there any hope?

Bonus:

quote:

She is the first girl I ever dated. These feelings are new territory. Thank you for helping me navigate.

quote:

It is even tougher because I was just recently offered a position with the Dept. of Transportation as a Civil Engineer. The opportunity pays extremely well and is like nothing I would have back home. =[ I'm so torn. Thank you for the honesty.

Engineers never change.

# ? May 18, 2017 00:04

maskenfreiheit: Dec 30, 2004

Pvt.Scott posted:

Let me know the next time your cat's fianc�e decides to take your dick for a ride while you're passed out drunk on a futon.

stop posting

# ? May 18, 2017 00:04

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

Batterypowered7 posted:

Purring is not a sign of consent. Some cats may still feel pleasure from being pet against their will. That doesn't mean what you did was okay.

he's my cat. i can pet his belly whenever i want

# ? May 18, 2017 00:06

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

he belongs to me

# ? May 18, 2017 00:08

maskenfreiheit: Dec 30, 2004

wait you can touch a cats belly w/o being sliced open?

he must truly love you

# ? May 18, 2017 00:10

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

It's taxidermied. That's the only love Pick understands.

# ? May 18, 2017 00:11

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

He's declawed.

# ? May 18, 2017 00:11

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO: Feb 28, 1985

My cat shows her tummy all the time, and sometimes gets bitey. It's like a lottery.

Pick posted:

He's declawed.

# ? May 18, 2017 00:11

Haifisch: Nov 13, 2010; Objection! I object! That was... objectionable!; Taco Defender

There are two groups of cats: The ones that won't let you touch their bellies, and the ones that pretend to let you before clawing your arm off. Pick's cat is just playing the long game.

# ? May 18, 2017 00:11

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

(I didn't do it, he's been rehomed several times. But he doesn't bite either so I blow raspberries on his tummy. He's a good cat.)

# ? May 18, 2017 00:12

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO: Feb 28, 1985

Pick posted:

(I didn't do it, he's been rehomed several times. But he doesn't bite either so I blow raspberries on his tummy. He's a good cat.)

Actually triggered for a while.

# ? May 18, 2017 00:13

Pvt.Scott: Feb 16, 2007; What God wants, God gets, God help us all

You guys apparently suck at cats. Do you even squint at them?

# ? May 18, 2017 00:15

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO: Feb 28, 1985

Blinking at my cat makes her purr.

# ? May 18, 2017 00:17

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO posted:

Blinking at my cat makes her purr.

# ? May 18, 2017 00:18

Pvt.Scott: Feb 16, 2007; What God wants, God gets, God help us all

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO posted:

Blinking at my cat makes her purr.

As well it should. Basic cat body language for "we cool/I'm happy," is a languid squint or blink while looking at you. Wide eyes means ready for action.

# ? May 18, 2017 00:20

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

Brb looking at cat pictures now

# ? May 18, 2017 00:32

Haifisch: Nov 13, 2010; Objection! I object! That was... objectionable!; Taco Defender

I [21M] want to ask my really good friend [21F] to take my virginity.

quote:

A little background: We've both known each other for around 3 years in college. Throughout adolescence I've struggled with self-image issues and despite being very extroverted and social, never could look in the mirror and see someone I'd describe as attractive. I think because of this insecurity, any time it looked like having sex was in the cards on a random night with someone I'd met at a random party/bar I'd end up purposefully sabotaging it because I felt unprepared.

Current situation: Fast forward 3 years, I've been hitting the gym a lot and feel more confident about my appearance. Because of the healthy lifestyle changes I've made, I've been going out and drinking a lot less and prioritizing sleep which makes meeting people in college a little harder and on top of that when I do go out I love talking to people but if flirting goes past a certain level I become really uncomfortable.

My friend: Enter my friend (let's call her B). B has been one of my best friends for a few years now and likewise. Without going to into too much detail we've seen each other at our bests/worsts and hang out a lot. It's a little cringey but our mutual friends always ask if we're dating and we kind of laugh it off but have never really addressed the question of attraction together (at this point it's like a pretty big elephant in the room). She usually shares stories about different guys that she's crossed paths with and I reciprocate with different stories of my own although most of the time they're about girls that I might have actually been talking to although I almost always amend the story to end with a hook-up instead of being up front with her and telling her that nothing really happened.

My dilemma Although going to bars and meeting someone who'd (I'm actively cringing as I type this) be dtf is something that's relatively new to me, it's now becoming increasingly more frequent and easy. That being said, I can't really bring myself to lose my virginity to a random someone I think is attractive in a bar. My friends just say I need to rip off the band-aid but I really want my first time to be with someone I really care about and who I know cares about me (as freakishly cheesy and ideal as I know that sounds) which is why I really think I want to do this.

Miscellaneous details:

1) B and I have talked in depth about our life goals and I think we're on the same page that we're not compatible enough for a relationship. I think I'd ask her as a one time thing.

2) I have definitely lied to her about my sexual experience. She definitely thinks I lost my virginity a while ago and am fairly experienced.

3) When I say we're really close I'm not exaggerating. We've been in a room alone and talked comprehensively about our deepest fetishes.

My biggest concern: I've thought a lot about how she might respond to a request like this. I think for the most part the biggest concern of mine is NOT that she'll actually care about me being a virgin but about the fact that I've lied repeatedly to her about my sexual experiences. I'm not some kind of ladies man but I've always tried to project someone who's confident and genuine whenever I'm around her (or anyone) and so the lies + the change in how she perceives me might be very jarring to her. Really, only two people (my two best guy friends) know about the reality of my situation and unfortunately they're both studying abroad this semester so it's been tough to communicate about it.

What should I do? Is it too late? Will I risk our relationship? Should I just rip off the bandaid? I can add more details if you want to hear them. Thanks for reading this far! __

TL;DR: Really good friend thinks I'm experienced at sex, I'm actually a virgin. Want to have sex with someone who's close to me for the first time and it's ruining anything casual I get going for me. What do?

Bolding OP's.

# ? May 18, 2017 00:53

Submarine Sandpaper: May 27, 2007

Pick posted:

(I didn't do it, he's been rehomed several times. But he doesn't bite either so I blow raspberries on his tummy. He's a good cat.)

This is the best idea and I'm ashamed for not thinking of it first... I need to give mine some raspberries.

# ? May 18, 2017 01:17

putrid aidsman: Apr 13, 2017; by Lowtax

quote:

My [31F] partner [41M] told new neighbor to stay away from me for no reason, made even worse by his fetish

I don't know how to make this not long, I'm sorry. The tl;dr at the bottom basically covers it.

I'm 31F with 2 kids from a previous relationship. My partner is 41M. I'm pregnant. I bought my first house in March. My partner mostly lives with me, but has his own house also that he goes to daily for anywhere from an hour to 8 hours. He works nights and on off nights, he sleeps at my house and he spends the majority of his days sleeping at my house while I'm at work and the kids are at school.

When I moved in, I saw my next-to-my-next-door neighbor (immediate next house is empty) in his driveway as I was leaving one day so I stopped to introduce myself. He was very friendly, told me about his wife, kids, and several of the neighbors. I told him about my kids, my partner, and we talked generally about where we worked. Mostly it was about him rattling off neighbors' names and who lives where.

A month or so ago, he came by when I was cleaning my car in the driveway with my daughter to tell me about a block party he was hoping to plan (when we initially met, he told me he used to host them frequently, but hadn't for some time). It was maybe a 5-minute conversation while he was in his car at the end of my driveway and my daughter and I stood there and talked (the exact inverse of when I introduced myself, but with the addition of my daughter).

This past Sunday, he came by to the side door of my house (many of us use the side door instead of the front so he made a good guess I suppose and knocked on the side) with his 2 daughters to introduce them to my kids and to offer me the kind of awkward gift of a couple of their metal water bottle-type things that they didn't need anymore and were going to otherwise donate. Weird, but whatever, I figured he was just trying to make it less strange to just show up. Anyway, he introduced his daughters and we made small talk for a few minutes, then said goodbye. My partner was sitting on the couch behind me during this conversation, out of view of the door (so the neighbor couldn't see him unless he basically came into my doorway), although he could see him through my sheer curtains as he approached/left).

My partner was very irritated by this visit when the neighbor left and said it was an excuse to see me. We had a small fight about it in which he admitted I had done nothing wrong, but he insisted this man had ulterior motives, particularly because I have not met or seen his wife (he told me that his wife homeschools their daughters).

Fast-forward to yesterday. I was inside getting the kids ready for bed, my partner was out in the front yard pulling weeds. I only have his account of what happened, but apparently the neighbor came up to him to explain that he had seen him through the curtains but ?? hadn't introduced himself or something? I don't know exactly what he said when he approached him. But apparently they had a heated (for my partner anyway) discussion about him approaching and talking to me and my partner told him he needed to back off. The neighbor told him that I had introduced myself to him first and my partner says he told him that his kids could come play with mine any time, but apparently the neighbor kept changing the subject back to me. I have no doubt that my partner probably had a pretty hostile tone throughout the whole thing.

Anyway, he came inside a while later and told me his version of all of this, furious. He had to admit that I had done nothing wrong-- he already knew that I had introduced myself to the neighbor first, that we had also talked in my driveway once, etc. Nothing had been concealed (because wtf is there to conceal?!) but he is CONVINCED this man has some motivation to flirt with me or something.

I am a very friendly, talkative person (but NOT a flirt! No one could even remotely misconstrue how I am friendly to being flirtatious). I am aware of that about myself. I also seem to have one of those faces where people (men and women alike) don't hesitate to approach me for small talk, to ask questions, etc. This happens all the time. I'm a magnet for it. I'm not some 10/10 babe or anything, particularly considering I'm 30 weeks pregnant at the moment, but it's just one of those things. He thinks that this characteristic invites men to flirt with me. Maybe it does, I don't know, but I DO know that nothing I have talked about with this man on the total of 3 occasions I've ever spoken to him, has been flirting of any variety. Again, first meeting: introduction, talking about the neighbors. Second meeting: talking about the block party he wants to host. Third meeting: talking about his daughters (who were WITH HIM) and introducing them to my kids).

I already knew my partner was extremely possessive and jealous. It usually doesn't come up because I'm not terribly social and since being with him, I've not had any neighbors/regular acquaintances that I've interacted with. It is worth noting that I left him in December. We only really began to get back together shortly after I bought my house. The jealousy existed before the breakup, so this isn't a result of him being paranoid I'm going to leave him again, although I don't doubt that exists too. I left him because he refused to get a job after being unemployed for 8 months, for sleeping all day and watching Netflix all night, and generally being a jerk to me. Things have been delicate since getting back together.

But all of this has a seriously complicating factor. He has a fetish (like, cannot get or maintain an erection without this) for being cuckolded. Particularly by men like my neighbor as far as appearance, age, stature, etc. So on Sunday (after the neighbor came over to introduce his kids), of course, when we had sex that night, he dirty talked his way through it (which is the norm for us) about this neighbor coming over and loving me while he babysat my kids.

Yesterday was the altercation between them. Last night he came like a fountain, again, while dirty talking about this man loving me while he was elsewhere in the house trying to listen or peek. Not 2 hours after the fight we had about this man.

My partner isn't going to change. His jealousy isn't going to go away and neither is his fetish. So I guess my question is do I approach my neighbor to apologize? How do I act now? I'm HORRIBLY embarrassed. Maybe if I was supermodel hot it would be less embarrassing but honestly, my partner thinks that every man that speaks to me wants to gently caress me and I KNOW that isn't the case. I have no reason whatsoever to think that my neighbor feels that way (unless I am really missing something here).

My partner 100% needs therapy to address his insecurity and jealousy, but he can't afford it right now so that's off the table for the moment. I'm not sure the fetish is relevant to any of these issues but I figured it couldn't hurt to include it.

tl;dr: Partner is extremely jealous and confronted a seemingly harmless neighbor and told him to stay away from me. Do I approach the neighbor to apologize?

Edited to add more info that's coming up in the comments: he has never attempted to isolate me from anyone else. I've met other neighbors and talk to them regularly, I work full-time in an office in a very male-dominated field. I go on regular business trips where I'm the only woman (since there are only 5 women in my company altogether), and I don't have much of a social circle because I've never been a social person. I'm cool with that and he isn't stifling some attempt to change this . It's literally just this one guy that he's flipped out about.

# ? May 18, 2017 02:03

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

Submarine Sandpaper posted:

This is the best idea and I'm ashamed for not thinking of it first... I need to give mine some raspberries.

Submarine Sandpaper's last recorded post. Archived for posterity.

# ? May 18, 2017 02:08

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

Haifisch posted:

I [21M] want to ask my really good friend [21F] to take my virginity.

Bolding OP's.

She knows. Also, I don't do this.

# ? May 18, 2017 02:22

new phone who dis: May 24, 2007; by VideoGames; Morbid Hound

I like how the flowery language like "came like a fountain" just pops up in some of those otherwise dry posts.

# ? May 18, 2017 02:28

dudeness: Mar 5, 2010; Cat Army; Fallen Rib

Having a cuckold fetish must be awesome, everything seems to set them off. When the male cashier tells your lady to have a nice day - boner. Telemarketer calls and your wife answers - boner. Wife laughs at comedian on tv - boner. When she cheats on you for being an rear end in a top hat with the most annoying fetish, oh yea you better believe that's a boner.

# ? May 18, 2017 02:34

maskenfreiheit: Dec 30, 2004

Pvt.Scott posted:

You're right, of course. Women just go ahead with the sexual assault, in my experience at least.

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

that's like the time you've gotten moderated for being rapey - have you considered obtaining a reddit account?

(and not posting)

# ? May 18, 2017 02:42

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

reddit posted:

Ages and names have been changed because he knows I frequent this subreddit a lot.

Why do people do this? Who is going to read that and think, hmm, the names are wrong and the ages are wrong, but that's exactly the conversation and reaction I just had with my partner. Nah, couldn't be them.

# ? May 18, 2017 02:55

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

tactlessbastard posted:

Why do people do this? Who is going to read that and think, hmm, the names are wrong and the ages are wrong, but that's exactly the conversation and reaction I just had with my partner. Nah, couldn't be them.

Probably because their partner can't possibly read all the stories but might read the ones with familiar #m/fs.

# ? May 18, 2017 02:56

duz: Jul 11, 2005; Come on Ilhan, lets go bag us a shitpost

I'm surprised this made the news instead of showing up on r/relationships first.

quote:

A Texas man is suing his date for texting while they were watching a 3D showing of Guardians of the Galaxy, Vol. 2 at an Austin theater.

Pick posted:

You can just trawl for dick the next town over if you just want dick, if you're in Europe you ought to be learning about the art and history of nations .

Not if you want to guarantee they won't be circumcised.

duz fucked around with this message at 03:09 on May 18, 2017

# ? May 18, 2017 03:06

Mocking Bird: Aug 17, 2011

duz posted:

I'm surprised this made the news instead of showing up on r/relationships first.

I didn't know my ex was in Texas

RIP iPhone 4 he destroyed because I was texting during Steven Universe

# ? May 18, 2017 03:09

therobit: Aug 19, 2008; I've been tryin' to speak with you for a long time

Mocking Bird posted:

I didn't know my ex was in Texas

RIP iPhone 4 he destroyed because I was texting during Steven Universe

All my exes are from Texas.

# ? May 18, 2017 03:13

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# ? May 31, 2024 22:51

Barudak: May 7, 2007

Haifisch posted:

I [21M] want to ask my really good friend [21F] to take my virginity.

Bolding OP's.

Forget B, youll have a new girl soon since shaming youself by revealing your lies because of your virginity purity used as an excuse to be forward with the person you want while deflecting your unrequited love for them is definitely a deep enough rabbit hole for girls named alice fall into.

# ? May 18, 2017 03:28

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > /r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

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