/r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

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DragQueenofAngmar: Dec 29, 2009; You shall not pass!

[21 M] with my girlfriend [23F] of 5 months, racially charged conflict. I feel like she set me up.

quote:

Where to even begin. I'm white and my girlfriend is black, until this weekend race has never been an issue between us. It's something we're not afraid to talk about and we've both dealt with our fair share of assholes because of it (her more than me obviously).

The current issue involves certain... intimate issues. In the past she's asked me to call her "my n-word" ('hard' R) during sex. I didn't feel comfortable enough so I've always respectfully told her no.

I've heard her use the word before (both the 'soft' and 'hard' R), but given the historical/social history of the word I obviously don't feel comfortable using it.

Well this weekend we're back from a mutual friend's barbecue and chilling at her apartment. We've both been drinking and one thing leads to another. Again she asks me to call her that and the alcohol has lowered my inhibitions enough that I feel comfortable indulging her. She seems really into it and we both finish up not long after.

We're laying in bed and I get this vibe from her that she's upset. I ask if everythings alright and then she drops the bomb "I can;t believe you actually called me that" and starts to tear up.

I am absolutely shocked at this point. I try to comfort her but she asks me to leave so I gather my things and do so.

I texted her today asking how she's feeling and if she want's to talk and all she said was "I feel better but it's going to take a lot to get over this"

Am I losing my mind? She asked me to do this multiple times even after I told her I wasn't comfortable and the one time I give in she acts like I used this slur to intentionally harm her rather than indulge her request.

tl;dr: GF asked me to call her a slur in bed. After asking several times and some alcohol I do and now she's upset with me. I feel like she set me up. Any way to overcome this?

# ? May 29, 2017 01:20

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# ? May 14, 2024 17:24

Doc Hawkins: Jun 15, 2010; Dashing? But I'm not even moving!

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO posted:

Ohhhh asexual as a search phrase has to be worth some gold.

"I don't want sex but I need it" is kinda the mantra I got from asexual people I chatted to online.

"I am thoroughly alienated from my feelings and desires."

Thanks for warning me off. :tipshat:

# ? May 29, 2017 01:23

Aardmania: Jan 1, 2007; Ruining newspapers since 1993.; Shredded Hen

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO posted:

Hahahahaaaaa!

That's "his thing".

Maybe he saw The Inspector General and thinks he needs the hat to prevent a hair fire.

# ? May 29, 2017 01:24

maskenfreiheit: Dec 30, 2004

DragQueenofAngmar posted:

[21 M] with my girlfriend [23F] of 5 months, racially charged conflict. I feel like she set me up.

it's not a good idea to date retards

# ? May 29, 2017 01:37

ArbitraryC: Jan 28, 2009; Pick a number, any number; Pillbug

DragQueenofAngmar posted:

[21 M] with my girlfriend [23F] of 5 months, racially charged conflict. I feel like she set me up.

This story reminded me of that DnD poster who's really holier than though about social politics but roleplays as a slaver in the sack with his black girlfriend.

# ? May 29, 2017 01:50

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

ArbitraryC posted:

This story reminded me of that DnD poster who's really holier than though about social politics but roleplays as a slaver in the sack with his black girlfriend.

Zeitgeist

# ? May 29, 2017 01:57

DragQueenofAngmar: Dec 29, 2009; You shall not pass!

ArbitraryC posted:

This story reminded me of that DnD poster who's really holier than though about social politics but roleplays as a slaver in the sack with his black girlfriend.

me too

# ? May 29, 2017 01:59

Nancy: Nov 23, 2005; Young Orc

maskenfreiheit posted:

I don't think the cake is what's going to cause this Redditor's parents to pitch a fit

Exactly, I don't think the rainbow cake is going to be nearly as gay as the two women getting married.

# ? May 29, 2017 02:29

Cowslips Warren: Oct 29, 2005; What use had they for tricks and cunning, living in the enemy's warren and paying his price?; Grimey Drawer

Doc Hawkins posted:

"I am thoroughly alienated from my feelings and desires."

Thanks for warning me off.

One of my friends told me she had to talk to me, that it was a super serious issue. I thought she was pregnant, or maybe she had cancer. No. No, those are too easy. She confided in me that she was asexual. Okay, cool by me. But she went into full detail, that she has no real sex drive unless she is really, really, really in tune with the other person (not her husband. They're on a break and he's transitioning. It's like a bucket of sexual fun.) and can't have sexual feelings for them unless she is super into them. So....like most people who aren't into one-night stands?

I came out as a lesbian almost 15 years ago, haven't dated anyone seriously in years...and was in several pride parades, and the president of my Gay-Straight Alliance club in college, and even I never made as much a big deal as coming out as she has.

She does go back and forth between finding yaoi 'super hot' and not being into any kind of talk about sex.

I wonder if asexual ever crossed with the incels on reddit.

# ? May 29, 2017 02:35

No.44: Dec 14, 2012

Cowslips Warren posted:

One of my friends told me she had to talk to me, that it was a super serious issue. I thought she was pregnant, or maybe she had cancer. No. No, those are too easy. She confided in me that she was asexual. Okay, cool by me. But she went into full detail, that she has no real sex drive unless she is really, really, really in tune with the other person (not her husband. They're on a break and he's transitioning. It's like a bucket of sexual fun.) and can't have sexual feelings for them unless she is super into them . So....like most people who aren't into one-night stands?

I came out as a lesbian almost 15 years ago, haven't dated anyone seriously in years...and was in several pride parades, and the president of my Gay-Straight Alliance club in college, and even I never made as much a big deal as coming out as she has.

She does go back and forth between finding yaoi 'super hot' and not being into any kind of talk about sex.

I wonder if asexual ever crossed with the incels on reddit.

Isn't that demisexual? I thought asexuals are supposed to be people who get straight up grossed out by the thought of bumping uglies with others. I think one of my profs mentioned that it's not that they have no sex drive as they can still get sexual gratification via masturbation, but the vulnerability/messiness involved with physical intmacy with others turns them off.

# ? May 29, 2017 02:55

Improbable Lobster: Jan 6, 2012; "From each according to his ability" said Ares. It sounded like a quotation.; Buglord

No.44 posted:

Isn't that demisexual? I thought asexuals are supposed to be people who get straight up grossed out by the thought of bumping uglies with others. I think one of my profs mentioned that it's not that they have no sex drive as they can still get sexual gratification via masturbation, but the vulnerability/messiness involved with physical intmacy with others turns them off.

Internet asexuality and demisexuality are the same things: straight people pretending to be sexual minorities.

# ? May 29, 2017 03:00

DAD LOST MY IPOD: Feb 3, 2012; Fats Dominar is on the case

DragQueenofAngmar posted:

[21 M] with my girlfriend [23F] of 5 months, racially charged conflict. I feel like she set me up.

my man i could have told you that was a fuckin trap

# ? May 29, 2017 03:11

Barudak: May 7, 2007

Aardmania posted:

Maybe he saw The Inspector General and thinks he needs the hat to prevent a hair fire.

This has nothing to do with anything except to say thats a good movie and more people should watch it

# ? May 29, 2017 03:20

dudeness: Mar 5, 2010; Cat Army; Fallen Rib

My (19f) atheist boyfriend (21m) burped loudly during grace

quote:

So I've been dating kevin for a couple months now. I was raised Christian and while I very much believe in god, I wouldn't consider myself super religious or anything, I go to church maybe 10 times a year. Because of that, i thought i might be compatible with an atheist.

So anyway, on Sunday kevin and I went to my parents for dinner, it was their first time meeting him. I thought things were going well until we sat down to eat and my dad starts saying grace. I was looking down but out of the corner of my eye I see Kevin grab his drink and he chugs it. Once he's done chugging (my dad is still saying grace this entire time mind you) he let's out this really loud open mouth burp. My dad stops saying grace to look at kevin. My dad's mouth was hanging wide open but didn't say anything. Kevin doesn't say excuse me or anything so my dad awkwardly finishes saying grace.

The dinner itself is painfully awkward. No one acknowledges what happened but my parents seem pretty annoyed with kevin so they make small talk about the weather, what hes taking in school, etc. After ww finish eating I make up an excuse for us to leave and I drive kevin home.

On the way home I ask kevin what his problem is and why he was so rude during dinner. At first he doesn't seem to know what I was talking about. I say it's rude to drink during grace, nevermind burping as loud as you can afterwards. He says he's an atheist so he doesn't have to wait for that kind of thing. I say that's ridiculous as he was still a guest in my parents home and he should follow their rules. Then he goes off saying those rules are bullshit and he keeps going on about how religion is the worst thing ever. By the time I drop him off in pretty pissed and want nothing to do with him.

I haven't talked to him since but breaking up with him is a given, that's not why I'm here. I'm here because one of the things he said to me was why was I dating an atheist if I expected him to act religious. I didn't think simply not eating or drinking until after grace was "acting religious" but now I'm questioning that. I know reddit is very pro atheist so I want to get opinions from other atheists. I've never dated one before kevin so I don't know. He says any self respcting atheist would do the same he did. Is that true? Or is he just an rear end in a top hat? My cousin had warned me about dating an atheist but considering i don't take religion too seriously I didn't think it would be an issue. Maybe I was wrong and I'm not compatible.

Tldr: bf burped while my dad said grace and is totally unapologetic for it.

edit: there was an update and she broke up with him, nothing too interesting except for this gem

quote:

Apparently they dated about a year ago. my coworker (lets call her (brenda) had to go to her cousins wedding and kevin was her plus one. During the ceremony, kevin got really bored, and he decided to let everyone know. Apparently he started saying stuff like "oh my god this is taking so long" and "is it almost over yet?" and he kept going on and on. He wasn't so loud that everyone could hear him but the people around him definitely could, brenda said a lot of people were turning their heads to look at them, she was super embarrassed. Apparently they got in a huge fight between the ceremony and reception and that was the end of their relationship. LOL I couldn't help but laugh when I heard that story. Sounds exactly like something kevin would do.
Anyway thats it for my update. Things are going well for me, I'm currently enjoying single life.

dudeness fucked around with this message at 03:31 on May 29, 2017

# ? May 29, 2017 03:28

im cute: Sep 21, 2009

DragQueenofAngmar posted:

[21 M] with my girlfriend [23F] of 5 months, racially charged conflict. I feel like she set me up.

Should've turned it around on her and asked her to call YOU the n-word, with the hard R.

# ? May 29, 2017 03:31

The Lone Badger: Sep 24, 2007

Improbable Lobster posted:

That's not an appropriate coat for anything besides LARPing

Or challenging someone to a duel.

# ? May 29, 2017 03:39

the holy poopacy: May 16, 2009; hey! check this out; Fun Shoe

Improbable Lobster posted:

Internet asexuality and demisexuality are the same things: straight people pretending to be sexual minorities.

I can kinda sympathize--a lot of the media we consume pushed the message that sex is all-important and everyone is out trying to get laid 24/7, so if you're not that interested in chasing dick/pussy it can be a little alienating. But yeah, the idea that we need new words and new sexualities to describe the concept "I am a normal person with a normal sex drive and not a hypersexual caricature like I see on TV" is more than a bit silly.

# ? May 29, 2017 03:50

Cough Drop The Beat: Jan 22, 2012; by Lowtax

DragQueenofAngmar posted:

[21 M] with my girlfriend [23F] of 5 months, racially charged conflict. I feel like she set me up.

While dude's girlfriend is definitely a loving crazy as hell person, there's basically no chance she wasn't posing the n-word during sex deal as a test. Shockingly, it's kind of a huge deal and comes off as super racist when you actually say it as a white dude!

# ? May 29, 2017 04:04

cyberia: Jun 24, 2011; Do not call me that!
Snuffles was my slave name.
You shall now call me Snowball; because my fur is pretty and white.

Khazar-khum posted:

That's a trilby, not a fedora. Fedoras have a wider brim.

That's a nifty jacket, but not for everyday wear. You wear that for special occasions.

If his hobby is cosplay, so what? If it weirds you out, find someone who isn't into cosplay.

Is he cosplaying as a member of Panic! At the Disco? Because that's the only thing that coat would be appropriate for.

# ? May 29, 2017 04:35

Pvt.Scott: Feb 16, 2007; What God wants, God gets, God help us all

Pick posted:

Zeitgeist

Appropriate name. Seems to have nailed the white, middle class American zeitgeist.

# ? May 29, 2017 04:44

Dead Reckoning: Sep 13, 2011

Improbable Lobster posted:

Internet asexuality and demisexuality are the same things: straight people pretending to be sexual minorities.

"Low self esteem: the sexual orientation"

Cough Drop The Beat posted:

While dude's girlfriend is definitely a loving crazy as hell person, there's basically no chance she wasn't posing the n-word during sex deal as a test. Shockingly, it's kind of a huge deal and comes off as super racist when you actually say it as a white dude!

Trying to find out if your partner is secretly racist by asking them to call you a racial slur during sex is like trying to find out of they're cheating by asking them to call you another woman's name, or trying to figure out if they're controlling and violent by asking them to put a hand on your throat.

# ? May 29, 2017 04:55

maskenfreiheit: Dec 30, 2004

Dead Reckoning posted:

"Low self esteem: the sexual orientation"

Trying to find out if your partner is secretly racist by asking them to call you a racial slur during sex is like trying to find out of they're cheating by asking them to call you another woman's name, or trying to figure out if they're controlling and violent by asking them to put a hand on your throat.

refusing to be GGG and say the phrase she asked based on her race would have also been racist - it's a no win situation :colbert:

# ? May 29, 2017 04:58

But Rocks Hurt Head: Jun 30, 2003; by Hand Knit; Pillbug

DragQueenofAngmar posted:

[21 M] with my girlfriend [23F] of 5 months, racially charged conflict. I feel like she set me up.

Lol she is 100% going to ask him to do that again in the heat of the moment and break down crying after if he does, it's never gonna stop, it's Schrodingers raceplay

# ? May 29, 2017 05:03

blarzgh: Apr 14, 2009; SNITCHIN' RANDY; Grimey Drawer

DragQueenofAngmar posted:

[21 M] with my girlfriend [23F] of 5 months, racially charged conflict. I feel like she set me up.

Crazy: the human experience that is truly colorblind.

# ? May 29, 2017 07:11

monkeytennis: Apr 26, 2007; Toilet Rascal

He should have only agreed to do it if she called him a honky first.

# ? May 29, 2017 08:42

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

I wonder if it was something where she thought it would turn her on, but then the reality of the person she loved calling her the n-word actually didn't make her feel good at all.

# ? May 29, 2017 09:09

Streak: May 16, 2004; by Nyc_Tattoo

fruit on the bottom posted:

I wonder if it was something where she thought it would turn her on, but then the reality of the person she loved calling her the n-word actually didn't make her feel good at all.

Maybe she could like explain that instead of acting incredulous that he did exactly what she asked him to do even though it clearly made him uncomfortable to do so

# ? May 29, 2017 09:24

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO: Feb 28, 1985

maskenfreiheit posted:

it's not a good idea to date retards

With a hard "R".

EFB

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO fucked around with this message at 09:35 on May 29, 2017

# ? May 29, 2017 09:29

Brainworm: Mar 23, 2007; ...one of these--
As he hath spices of them all, not all,
For I dare so far free him--made him fear'd...; Nap Ghost

fruit on the bottom posted:

I wonder if it was something where she thought it would turn her on, but then the reality of the person she loved calling her the n-word actually didn't make her feel good at all.

Yeah, turns out sex involves people playing out thinly-disguised versions of their own anxieties and ending up simultaneously attracted to and repulsed by a lot of the things they think they want.

So yeah. She's an ordinary level of crazy. Dude is an idiot for stepping on a flagged mine. They should both know better but they don't.

# ? May 29, 2017 09:56

Peanut Butler: Jul 25, 2003

Streak posted:

Maybe she could like explain that instead of acting incredulous that he did exactly what she asked him to do even though it clearly made him uncomfortable to do so

idk if she is all like "how dare you" so much as that is what he assumes she is like though

# ? May 29, 2017 10:49

Modus Pwnens: Dec 29, 2004

ArbitraryC posted:

My (28F) friend (26F) pretends she is Japanese, is alienating everyone around her

He tried to have dinner with her parents and Cara freaked out and told him he had no r ight to go behind her back. She actually went so far as to push him into a wall and yell at him.

She's just being tsundere. Please don't erase her anime heritage.

# ? May 29, 2017 10:51

Hello Ketene: Dec 30, 2011

Is showering with a friend wrong? [20/m and 20/f]

quote:

My folks and I were staying over at my friend Jackie's place with her family. We were all going out together for the day, but everyone woke up too late and it was a big rush for the shower. Jackie and I were forced to shower together, which made it awkward because we are just friends. But no one else said anything. In the shower she wore a bikini and I wore my trunks, but it still made things feel a little odd though in the end we laughed about it and Jackie did look good showering. But that's where we draw the line. Anyways is showering with your friend of the opposite sex a bad idea? What about the same sex? For me two guys is just nasty, no thanks, but two girl friends isn't a bad idea at all. Anyone find a guy and girl who are just friend showering awkward?

hahaha what

# ? May 29, 2017 11:37

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO: Feb 28, 1985

Friend showering?

# ? May 29, 2017 11:57

DOMDOM: Apr 28, 2007; Fun Shoe

Lets play spot the buried ledes

I (25F) am getting incredibly frustrated with the sleeping situation now that I live with my boyfriend (25M)
u/Sleepingissues98123

quote:

My boyfriend (25M) and I (25F) have been dating for a year and a half and have been living together for 6 months. Everything has been going well except for our constant fighting about sleeping.

The issue is pretty much that I cannot sleep in the same bed as him, due to multiple reasons.

When I first moved in I found the mattress to be incredibly uncomfortable, so I slept on the couch until I caved and bought us a new mattress and bed frame. I thought that would solve the sleeping problem, but after a few days of sleeping in the same bed as him his snoring would keep me up and I couldn't sleep. We did sleep together in the same bed at my old place when we had sleepovers before I moved in but his snoring has gotten significantly worse since then and it is now louder and unbearable. I believe it might be due to weight gain and how much he eats before bedtime, and he has a couple of drinks in the evening, but he refuses to do anything about any of those things so it is what it is.

So due to the snoring I was getting incredibly frustrated and sleep deprived, so I set up an air mattress in our second bedroom (which is also used as our storage room) and have been sleeping on the air mattress for basically the past 6 months.

In addition to the snoring issue, he needs the bedroom to be toasty warm and dead silent, whereas I need the room to be an icebox and I need a fan or a white noise machine going. We really weren't meant to sleep in the same room together lol.

I am sick of sleeping on an air mattress and I can feel myself getting snappy with my boyfriend all the time now because I am just so angry all of the time! I have never been like this before, I have no idea why I am getting like this.

I have told him that I just want to sleep on a real bed for a full night but he refuses to sleep on the air mattress or the couch because they aren't as comfy as our bed and he can't get a good night's sleep. He says he absolutely needs a good night's sleep because he can't perform well at his job without it. I am getting resentful because it's like his sleep is more important than mine. I've mentioned that I want to put our new bed (which I paid for myself) in the second bedroom for me and he can sleep on the old one (we still have it, it's just sitting against a wall because he didn't want to throw it out) but he says that won't work because there is no room for a queen sized bed in the second bedroom. He's right - because the second bedroom is mostly taken up by all of his "storage" stuff which he won't get rid of.

I am not sure what to do. I am so frustrated and I feel like there is no solution. We can't move to a 3 bedroom apartment because the cost of living in our city is outrageous and we can barely afford the 2 bedroom that we have now. After re-reading what I wrote I know I must sound like a salty unreasonable person, but I can't help but be mad and frustrated at not being able to sleep in a real bed. Am I being unreasonable here? Is there any solutions to this issue? Help!!

tl;dr: We can't sleep in the same bed and I am frustrated with sleeping in an air mattress. What to do?

# ? May 29, 2017 12:26

DOMDOM: Apr 28, 2007; Fun Shoe

Also what kind of garbage human needs the room toasty to sleep

For that alone id suffocate him with a plastic bag

# ? May 29, 2017 12:29

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO: Feb 28, 1985

Severing his windpipe fixes everything :science:

# ? May 29, 2017 12:31

DOMDOM: Apr 28, 2007; Fun Shoe

From the comments

quote:

First, the practical advice. Insist he get tested for sleep apnea. There are also anti-snoring devices out there he can try. An old school remedy is to take his sleep shirt and sew a pocket dead center in the back (use an old tshirt or something for the pocket fabric). Insert a tennis ball every night before he sleeps. He will sleep on his side. He might have a few restless nights until he gets used to it, if he's been used to sleeping on his back. But he will adjust and eventually not even need the tennis ball.

# ? May 29, 2017 12:32

Modus Pwnens: Dec 29, 2004

Haha yeah he definitely sounds like he'll do all of that.

# ? May 29, 2017 12:35

DOMDOM: Apr 28, 2007; Fun Shoe

quote:

Maybe, just maybe, you can ask him to clean his nose everyday while taking a shower. It might do wonders.

P.S. I too had a similar problem and this solved the snoring part.

Im not sure why i find this comment so funny

# ? May 29, 2017 12:38

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# ? May 14, 2024 17:24

Brainworm: Mar 23, 2007; ...one of these--
As he hath spices of them all, not all,
For I dare so far free him--made him fear'd...; Nap Ghost

Modus Pwnens posted:

Haha yeah he definitely sounds like he'll do all of that.

I like to imagine that he'll do it. Then his weight gain, evening drinking, and shiftlessness -- combined with her self-righteous obsession with all the wrong details -- can keep them locked in a lifelong cycle of mutual petty recriminations.

# ? May 29, 2017 12:43

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