/r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

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Tender Bender: Sep 17, 2004

My boyfriend got a lapdance while I was on vacation and I don't know what to do.

quote:

is my first time on reddit so please excuse any faux pas i may commit.

My boyfriend and I (both 24 y/o) have a very healthy, stable relationship. We've been together for nearly 8 years and trust each other very much and are the type to make sure the other is okay with something before proceeding (like whether or not someone could come by the house, or that we'll be staying late after work for drinks, etc). Not as a codependent/permission thing, more like a mutual respect sort of gesture.

Here's the scenario:

I am on a week-long family vacation outside of the country in which I was not supposed to have internet due to roaming charges, etc. I left on Saturday. Unexpectedly I was able to get wifi, and we chatted a bit on Sunday via IM in which he nonchalantly mentioned that he was going to go to a strip club as a last minute thing with his friends, before slipping into another subject. I asked for clarification, as I had assumed it was a joke, since we've frequented discussed our mutual lack of interest in such a thing. He confirmed, and again moved on to another subject. I was a bit put off that he didn't make sure it was okay with me first, but he later clarified that "telling me he was going was his way of asking for permission", which, odd -- it's never been like that before.

I figured he was just busy at the time, so I brushed it off.

Fast forward. I hear nothing about the strip club, and I assumed nothing special must have happened since he said nothing about it. Which, again, odd, because we talk about everything that goes on in our days when we're not together. And I would think his first trip to the strip club would constitute as interesting conversation.

Moving on: Wednesday morning. We're chatting per usual, and he happens to ask if I'd ever be interested in going to a male strip club. I said no, I had no particular interest, and asked how his strip club experience was. As an afterthought I added jokingly, "if you got a lapdance I'd break up with you."

Immediately: "Wait what? Why?? Lol!"

I've known him for a decade. It's not hard to figure out at this point that he's worried. So i ask him if he got one, and he said yes, one of his friends bought him one.

I immediately told him that I had to go lest I said something I'd regret.

I'm pissed. Hurt. Devastated. Im crying in my hotel room and not enjoying my vacation whatsoever. He's sending me messages like "still mad, cutie? " and "whatcha doin? Hope you're having fun!" Like everything's normal. I had replied, expressing my frustration.

"You're acting like I have nothing to be mad about," I said. "You say it as if it's just some silly thing I'll get over real soon, like I'm a loving child mad at her parent for not giving her an extra cookie"

And still, a day and a half later, im still getting the normal, happy go lucky messages. "We'll talk about it when you get home," he said. "How's your trip going? Hope you're having fun "

So yeah. Definitely not having fun. And while I know in the end I'm not going to end the relationship, I want to. I really, really want to, because I don't know how I'm going to get over this. The fact that he thinks a near naked woman rubbing herself all over him is okay. The fact that he didnt tell me about it until I asked him. The fact that he apparently didn't even think about how I'd feel about this.

I'm tired and frustrated and I don't know what to do. How to get over this. How I could even trust him anymore, because I never in a million years thought that he would be the type of person who could do this. And I can already hear his response when I get home.

"Relax, it was nothing." "You're overreacting."

And honestly? gently caress him. gently caress. Him.

TLDR: My boyfriend got a lapdance while i was on vacation and i dont know what to do.

Every loving comment is calling him a cheater and saying she's right. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills because while he should have cleared it beforehand her reaction seems insanely disproportionate to what happened, especially since he just told her immediately as soon as she asked.

# ? Jun 23, 2017 16:00

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# ? Jun 1, 2024 01:42

maskenfreiheit: Dec 30, 2004

When you make everything a dumpable offensive your love life ends up sounding like a Taylor Swift album.

He should have just gone all the way and hosed that stripper, since his GF rounds everything up to cheating anyways.

:boom:

maskenfreiheit fucked around with this message at 16:10 on Jun 23, 2017

# ? Jun 23, 2017 16:08

Barudak: May 7, 2007

Tender Bender posted:

My boyfriend got a lapdance while I was on vacation and I don't know what to do.

Every loving comment is calling him a cheater and saying she's right. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills because while he should have cleared it beforehand her reaction seems insanely disproportionate to what happened, especially since he just told her immediately as soon as she asked.

Together 8 years and 24 says just break up, regardless of the meltdown over an approved strip club visit.

Ive had to go to strip clubs for work and my spouses policy was "Im only going to be mad at you if you pay for it" which I feel seems fair.

# ? Jun 23, 2017 16:10

Submarine Sandpaper: May 27, 2007

honestly you should just go to a strip club with your SO in the dating phase so you can both mine for some flags.

# ? Jun 23, 2017 16:11

Barudak: May 7, 2007

Submarine Sandpaper posted:

honestly you should just go to a strip club with your SO in the dating phase so you can both mine for some flags.

That one? The one whose movements are like Elaine while she dances to Lady Blackbird Mambazo? Yeah, Ive seen enough, heres 40 bucks for the cab ride home.

# ? Jun 23, 2017 16:13

Submarine Sandpaper: May 27, 2007

Barudak posted:

That one? The one whose movements are like Elaine while she dances to Lady Blackbird Mambazo? Yeah, Ive seen enough, heres 40 bucks for the cab ride home.

if you're not getting food you're missing out, huge red flag there.

# ? Jun 23, 2017 16:16

blarzgh: Apr 14, 2009; SNITCHIN' RANDY; Grimey Drawer

Paying someone to fake stimulate you sexually is kind of pathetic.

Line drawn.

# ? Jun 23, 2017 16:19

Submarine Sandpaper: May 27, 2007

blarzgh posted:

Paying someone to fake stimulate you sexually is kind of pathetic.

Line drawn.

well if you get stimulated you get stimulated.

no baring on the story though

# ? Jun 23, 2017 16:21

maskenfreiheit: Dec 30, 2004

Submarine Sandpaper posted:

honestly you should just go to a strip club with your SO in the dating phase so you can both mine for some flags.

but i've never been to a strip club and kinda want to keep that going

# ? Jun 23, 2017 16:31

Doc Hawkins: Jun 15, 2010; Dashing? But I'm not even moving!

maskenfreiheit posted:

Maybe he didn't know how expensive the wine was? That could get the cost up quickly w/o realizing.

Anyone with genuinely expensive wine who said "help yourselves" to house-guests would add "...except for these bottles, which I shall be presenting to the pope later this month."

OP either conveniently forgot that part, or it actually is the hosts fault, or none of the wine was very expensive, and he just averaged over two bottles a day.

# ? Jun 23, 2017 16:36

Barudak: May 7, 2007

maskenfreiheit posted:

but i've never been to a strip club and kinda want to keep that going

If you live in Miami and havent gone to Tootsies you are unironically missing out on the absolute best price to quality wings in the city.

The downside is Tootsies is the Costco of strip clubs with everything that entails.

# ? Jun 23, 2017 16:40

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

quote:

Me [27 F] with my husband [30 M] 5 years, his friends apologize when they hear we're having a girl.

I've got three daughters and loads of people have suggested that I shouldn't let it get me down, that'll get a son eventually :rolleyes:

# ? Jun 23, 2017 16:46

Submarine Sandpaper: May 27, 2007

maskenfreiheit posted:

but i've never been to a strip club and kinda want to keep that going

Eventually you'll be rung into one in a social setting, like my neighbor is turning 30 and celebrations will end at one. It's best to not end up like the OP's BF. I'm not saying go alone, but go with your GF/BF

# ? Jun 23, 2017 16:55

Doc Hawkins: Jun 15, 2010; Dashing? But I'm not even moving!

Barudak posted:

If you live in Miami and havent gone to Tootsies you are unironically missing out on the absolute best price to quality wings in the city.

The downside is Tootsies is the Costco of strip clubs with everything that entails.

You have to have a membership card? They pay all their workers a living wage? You can only buy lap dances in packs of 10?

# ? Jun 23, 2017 16:57

Tender Bender: Sep 17, 2004

Yea it sucks to be multiple years into a relationship and be given a choice by someone you thought was your sane life partner, to either bail on your friend's bachelor party or spend the rest of your life paying for it.

I mean strip clubs are a great way to waste a lot of money while also feeling like a loser, but they're also harmless as gently caress.

# ? Jun 23, 2017 17:00

Barudak: May 7, 2007

Doc Hawkins posted:

You have to have a membership card? They pay all their workers a living wage? You can only buy lap dances in packs of 10?

They have a membership program, the food is cheap and good to lure you in, and their are three main stages on the first floor where the first is so large that there are three positions on it for women to dance so they rotate from the starter pole, middle pole, then exit pole and the company boasts about having more than a hundred girls working on weekends and offers bundle lap dances with multiple girls.

I assume it works on the same model as most strip clubs where girls pay to dance there and the only money they make is the tips.

# ? Jun 23, 2017 17:01

A Wizard of Goatse: Dec 14, 2014

Submarine Sandpaper posted:

Eventually you'll be rung into one in a social setting, like my neighbor is turning 30 and celebrations will end at one. It's best to not end up like the OP's BF. I'm not saying go alone, but go with your GF/BF

this doesn't happen if you don't hang out with losers or teenagers so... problem solved

# ? Jun 23, 2017 17:08

Submarine Sandpaper: May 27, 2007

A Wizard of Goatse posted:

this doesn't happen if you ~~don't~~ hang out with losers or teenagers so... problem solved

ftfy, most goons are safe.

# ? Jun 23, 2017 17:13

blarzgh: Apr 14, 2009; SNITCHIN' RANDY; Grimey Drawer

Submarine Sandpaper posted:

Eventually you'll be rung into one in a social setting, like my neighbor is turning 30 and celebrations will end at one. It's best to not end up like the OP's BF. I'm not saying go alone, but go with your GF/BF

It's really easy to say, " nah, that's not my scene", and no one will press you on it, because they know your reason for not going is because it's sad and pathetic, but if you have to say it out loud, it breaks the fourth wall on their emperor's new clothes mentality, etc.

# ? Jun 23, 2017 17:53

Megillah Gorilla: Sep 22, 2003; If only all of life's problems could be solved by smoking a professor of ancient evil texts.; Bread Liar

Doc Hawkins posted:

Anyone with genuinely expensive wine who said "help yourselves" to house-guests would add "...except for these bottles, which I shall be presenting to the pope later this month."

OP either conveniently forgot that part, or it actually is the hosts fault, or none of the wine was very expensive, and he just averaged over two bottles a day.

I mean, I certainly agree with what you're saying, but there's "helping yourself" and then there's "going apeshit on everything in sight."

Somehow, I suspect the OP trended more to the latter.

# ? Jun 23, 2017 18:00

A Wizard of Goatse: Dec 14, 2014

I feel like in 2017 casually inviting your boys to come pay money with you to see blatantly disinterested tits is about on par with casually inviting them to gimpsuit up and get flogged by the Mistress with you

# ? Jun 23, 2017 18:04

Liquid Communism: Mar 9, 2004; коммунизм хранится в яичках

Tender Bender posted:

Yea it sucks to be multiple years into a relationship and be given a choice by someone you thought was your sane life partner, to either bail on your friend's bachelor party or spend the rest of your life paying for it.

I mean strip clubs are a great way to waste a lot of money while also feeling like a loser, but they're also harmless as gently caress.

poo poo, you'd be more likely to get laid out at a bar with your buddies than at a strip club, if you were looking to cheat.

# ? Jun 23, 2017 18:05

DragQueenofAngmar: Dec 29, 2009; You shall not pass!

this is awesome, just phenomenal hahahaha fuckin lmao

Boyfriend[23M] asks my permission before he touches me[22F]

quote:

Hey guys!

So I've been dating my boyfriend now for about 5 months and things are going really well. He is genuinely one of the nicest and most caring guys I've ever met, reasonably attractive, smart, clean, good career etc. Essentially the exact opposite of partners I've had in the past (a good thing haha!). However, he has this annoying habit of basically 'asking my permission' before he does anything physically to me.

Its little things like "May I kiss you?" or "Care for a hug?". This isn't just a time to time thing, but pretty much every time he wants to do these things he feels the need to ask. For example last weekend we went out to dinner with a few of my friends, and afterwards we were all walking back to one of my friends place. My boyfriend loudly asks me 'Can I hold your hand while we walk?' and I heard my friends audibly giggling. Not only is it annoying, but its embarrassing, with my friends asking me afterwards if I could 'take his balls out of my purse'. I would prefer it if he wants to do something, just to do it.

I have tried mentioning to him that he doesn't need to ask me, and if he wants to do something to me just do it. He listens and says ok, but I think maybe instincts just take over because its not long till he goes back to asking. My thinking is maybe he is just nervous since this is his first romantic relationship of any kind, and often when we hug I can feel his heart beating a million times a second. But apart from the physical stuff, he seems really comfortable around me. I try to be spontaneous whenever I kiss him or hug him, I never ask his permission and he is very receptive to it, but he just doesn't seem to follow suit.

Does anyone know what I could do to get him out of this habit? Or has anyone been in a similar situation and what did you do? I love to be around him and can easily see this relationship as a long term thing, but I don't know how long I can handle all the asking, especially if that habit happens to follow him when we move to more intimate activities.

tl;dr: Boyfriend essentially has to ask my permission before he makes a move on me (kiss/hug etc.), and its getting annoying/embarrassing. How do I break his bad habit?

# ? Jun 23, 2017 18:33

CrazyLoon: Aug 10, 2015; "..."

DragQueenofAngmar posted:

this is awesome, just phenomenal hahahaha fuckin lmao

Boyfriend[23M] asks my permission before he touches me[22F]

Straight up this sketch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0aUbGGFySdU

# ? Jun 23, 2017 18:39

Tender Bender: Sep 17, 2004

Let's continue the theme of disproportionate responses to dumb SO's!

I (26F) found out my husband (28M) of less than one week said he was only with me because I'm a "fire crotch" at the reception. I'm not only humiliated, I feel like it reduced me into a physical characteristic.

quote:

Background: I've been with "John" for 5 years. We've certainly had our ups and downs but generally more ups and I am ridiculously and hopelessly in love with him. We've been through a lot of change and distance in our relationship since we both took on the role of professional students. I'm proud of what I've accomplished and Ill be giving my dissertation in October and already have a job lined up at the same university where i'm getting my phd...something that indicates my department really respects my work because it's almost unheard of. I'm very proud of this.

Anyways we finally had our wedding this past weekend. I need to say this but all of me John's problems come when we drink. Neither of us are alcoholics by any stretch but the loose tongues we get don't do us any favors. As such, we had agreed that while we would have alcohol at the, we would not drink. Well John promptly got pretty well wasted. I was frustrated for sure but made the best of it and realized I needed to be the sober one.

Aside from the normal things like cake cutting and pictures, we really didn't spend much time with each other during the reception because we both had family and friends that had traveled in.

Maybe an hour before it was all supposed to wrap up, one of my best friends came over to me and said that John was holding court with his friends and had said "Sam is such an incredible pain in the rear end, I'd have dumped her rear end a long time ago if she didn't have that fire crotch I love so much." Apparently all his friends laughed and thought it was hilarious.

I'm heart broken. Like literally, heart on the floor in shreds heart broken. First of all I'm embarrassed that he said this about me to his friends and would guess this isn't the only intimate detail he's ever shared. Secondly, now I realize that I'm a "pain the rear end" who should have been dumped a long time ago. Thirdly, everything that I've done has been reduced to a physical characteristic.

I've asked him if he said anything he regrets at the wedding, his answer was something like "I know I drank too much, I'm sure I said a lot of stupid things, I'm sorry for breaking our agreement." I have not tried to press him further because I guess I really don't want to hear those words come out of his mouth. I know I can be a handful and demanding and I seek perfection out of myself and those around me but I just don't know if I can handle hearing it out loud from him.

What do I do with this? Was this so disrespectful that I need to think about ending this marriage?

tl;dr: My husband said the only reason he was still with me is because I'm a "fire crotch" at our wedding reception no less. I don't know what to do.

Well that was rude of him but surely the comments will tell her to take a deep breath -

quote:

Trashing you at your wedding is pretty awful. Being drunk is no excuse. I'd never be able to look at the same way if I were you. Go talk to a divorce lawyer.

quote:

Holy poo poo. I don't even know what to say. Couples counseling, AA, Al-Anon for you, or maybe...just an annullment. He said this AT YOUR WEDDING.

quote:

Think hard on this, because depending on your location, it may not be too late to get an annulment

Oh Reddit, never change :allears:

Tender Bender fucked around with this message at 19:00 on Jun 23, 2017

# ? Jun 23, 2017 18:47

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

quote:

I would prefer it if he wants to do something, just to do it.

Do you want rapists? Because that's how you get rapists.

# ? Jun 23, 2017 18:48

Submarine Sandpaper: May 27, 2007

blarzgh posted:

It's really easy to say, " nah, that's not my scene", and no one will press you on it, because they know your reason for not going is because it's sad and pathetic, but if you have to say it out loud, it breaks the fourth wall on their emperor's new clothes mentality, etc.

I dunno, I don't think she thinks partying at strip clubs is sad and pathetic. In fact it being "not my scene" would probably not go over well as their impression is that I don't have a stick up my rear end.

# ? Jun 23, 2017 18:49

Pebergehund: Jan 21, 2010

A Wizard of Goatse posted:

I feel like in 2017 casually inviting your boys to come pay money with you to see blatantly disinterested tits is about on par with casually inviting them to gimpsuit up and get flogged by the Mistress with you

So just a normal night out?

# ? Jun 23, 2017 18:50

Barudak: May 7, 2007

I dunno, if her vagina truly shoots plumes of flame Id probably stick with her too.

# ? Jun 23, 2017 18:54

ClamdestineBoyster: Aug 15, 2015; Can't post for 10 years!

maskenfreiheit posted:

When you make everything a dumpable offensive your love life ends up sounding like a Taylor Swift album.

He should have just gone all the way and hosed that stripper, since his GF rounds everything up to cheating anyways.

It's not cheating if she doesn't swallow. :shrug:

# ? Jun 23, 2017 18:56

ranbo das: Oct 16, 2013

It's not cheating if you nut in the butt

# ? Jun 23, 2017 19:28

Literally A Person: Jan 1, 1970; Smugworth Wuz Here

ranbo das posted:

It's not cheating if you nut in the butt

# ? Jun 23, 2017 19:30

cumshitter: Sep 27, 2005; by Fluffdaddy

It's totally not cheating.

# ? Jun 23, 2017 19:45

Bunni-kat: May 25, 2010; Service Desk B-b-bunny...
How can-ca-caaaaan I
help-p-p-p you?

Tender Bender posted:

Let's continue the theme of disproportionate responses to dumb SO's!

I (26F) found out my husband (28M) of less than one week said he was only with me because I'm a "fire crotch" at the reception. I'm not only humiliated, I feel like it reduced me into a physical characteristic.

Well that was rude of him but surely the comments will tell her to take a deep breath -

Oh Reddit, never change

Uh, that was an extremely lovely thing to say, and they've been married less than a month. Why the hell shouldn't she get out now before he decides to start running her down to her face?

# ? Jun 23, 2017 19:52

Tender Bender: Sep 17, 2004

Avenging_Mikon posted:

Uh, that was an extremely lovely thing to say, and they've been married less than a month. Why the hell shouldn't she get out now before he decides to start running her down to her face?

I mean it was a lovely thing to say but it's also a Rodney Dangerfield "My wife!" joke and not a confession of his hatred for her.

# ? Jun 23, 2017 19:54

hawowanlawow: Jul 27, 2009

Internet denizens are a little sensitive to ball breaking

# ? Jun 23, 2017 19:55

Doc Hawkins: Jun 15, 2010; Dashing? But I'm not even moving!

Gorilla Salad posted:

I mean, I certainly agree with what you're saying, but there's "helping yourself" and then there's "going apeshit on everything in sight."

Somehow, I suspect the OP trended more to the latter.

Yeah, I guess I wasn't explicit: in my view two bottles a day, of someone else's wine, for two weeks straight, definitely qualifies as "going apeshit."

# ? Jun 23, 2017 19:59

Tender Bender: Sep 17, 2004

*watches Hank Hill clip a plastic ball and chain on Boomhauer during the bachelor party episode* this is abuse

# ? Jun 23, 2017 20:06

A Wizard of Goatse: Dec 14, 2014

haha no you don't get it guys I'm a wild fun guy to be around I'm just shocked my girlfriend dances and tells jokes like a vapid bimbo, I'm a party animal

I [29M] visited my girlfriend [27F] at work where I witnessed her behave like a completely different person. I feel like I don't really know her at all.

quote:

For some background: I met my girlfriend about 3 years ago through mutual friends. We quickly hit it off as friends and started dating a year later, and have been together happily ever since. My girlfriend is a little different than the type of girl I always envisioned myself. Typically I was always attracted to goofy, joke-sy type girls. My girlfriend isn't really like that. She's smart, she's kind, polite, thoughtful, beautiful...but "goofy" isn't exactly a word I would use to describe her. I love her all the same, believe me. I used to wish she would joke around with me more, but over the years I've come to accept that it's just not who she is and I love her for who she is.

So back to now: A few nights ago my girlfriend and I made plans to go out to dinner, but her boss made her stay late and she wasn't able to meet me. She then said I was welcome to come by and hang out, that it was a pretty casual evening and they had ordered in.

So this was my first time ever being at her place of work. I've met one of her coworkers, her partner [20s?M] before, but there were also 4 other people and her boss off working in his office.
My first impression of my girlfriend was a girl I had never seen before. You know that song "Jump On It" from back in the 90s? My quiet, stoic, reserved girlfriend was standing with her shorts hiked up to her chin and doing the dance with full conviction while the song blared at full volume. I could hear it before I even got to the floor she works on. Now, from the evidence on the table everyone was already a couple drinks in, but I've seen my girlfriend drunk before. She gets a bit giggly, she gets a bit flirty, but she never dances. Especially not to such a dumb song.

The differences didn't end there. She works in a creative field and they were working late to brainstorm. So she and her coworkers then spent about half an hour "brainstorming", which consisted of them spouting off the dumbest slogans they could come up with. Again, my girlfriend, a very smart and career driven women, spouting off suggestive limericks and trying to pass it off as an idea.

At one point she sat down at a keyboard in the corner and just really started to ham it up. Doing the whole slow chord progression with a deep, "This is for all the lonely hearts out there..." type monologue. And her coworkers started throwing paper and jokingly telling her no and to gently caress off...so it's not like she was acting out of character.

They were working in this room that had all kinds of stuff on the wall. One of them was a dry erase board with a dumb picture of my girlfriend with the caption "# of times [girlfriend] has told you she needed you to come on a business meeting that ended up being you buying her lunch". There were...a lot of tallies.

This is getting long so I'll try to wrap up. I think I've made my point. Point is...she was completely different. The type of girlfriend I know would never polka dance with a coworker (yeah...she did that, too), or come up with dirty limericks when she's supposed to be working, or trick someone into buying her lunch under the guise of work. The girlfriend I know would smile politely at that type of person's antics and then proceed to eat a quinoa salad at her desk before turning in her work 2 days before it was due.

The next day I made a comment about how she seemed to be in such a good mood at work and she just brushed it off as being drunk. Like I said...I've seen her drunk countless times. Never have I seen her do any of that poo poo.

I don't know how I feel. I feel like I don't know my girlfriend at all. I also feel like I'm missing out to a degree...like, that's the girlfriend I always saw myself having. Someone who can joke around, not take things seriously all the time, just be massive goofball and make people laugh. And if my amazing girlfriend is also those things...why don't I get that side?

Is it wrong to feel this way? Am I blowing it all out of proportion? I don't know how to move on from this feeling

# ? Jun 23, 2017 20:17

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# ? Jun 1, 2024 01:42

Tender Bender: Sep 17, 2004

I mean it's pretty earth shattering to find out you're a boring sad sack who actively drags down your SO every time you're together

# ? Jun 23, 2017 20:23

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