/r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > /r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

Danaru: Jun 5, 2012; 何 ??

He [22M] says he loves me [22F] but he always makes me feel inadequate. He literally worships "white girls" and I am not white

quote:

This guy has been telling me that he loves me for a long time. In fact, two months after we started hanging out (and seeing each other only once or twice a week), he told me that he loved me. He also talks marriage.

However, I am not very experienced when it comes to relationships so I've been very wary. We're not officially dating yet because I'm reluctant to date him- I REALLY like him but I do not want to get hurt. Whenever we hang out, the love and passion is strong and I feel that he loves me in my gut but cannot help to be concerned by some things.

I am not white, and neither is he. We are from different ethnic backgrounds. When I first met him, he said he was into white girls. Fine. No big deal, everyone has their preference. He envies his non-white friend who's dating a white girl and calls him "the boss".

Around this time he started liking me, and has told me that. I was like cool, we all have a broad range of preferences, so it didn't surprise me that he liked me even though he initially told me he was into only white girls. We hung out and bonded but meanwhile, he's made some hurtful comments while trying to demonstrate his "love" for me. He once told me that he feels a very strong connection with me, and that he talks to "so many gorgeous girls everyday, girls who WAY (he emphasized "way") prettier" than me and the feeling is not the same. He also told me that he ex wouldn't get jealous if he dated me because she "only gets jealous if the girl if prettier than her" then he followed up by "and, um, yeah, so she's not jealous" (effectively stating that I'm not prettier than her).

His three closest friends are Russian/Ukranian and they're gorgeous. He's always talking about how pretty they are. It makes me very insecure. He's rarely complimented my looks, it seems that he likes my personality more since I'm open and kind. The thing is, what he says is true. His ex is prettier than me. His girl friends are drop-dead gorgeous. But ugh I don't know if I'm overreacting because these are objective truths. Are guys supposed to lie? I don't know!

This sucks because I've had esteem issues all my life. I always hated my dark skin and features. I have slight physical imperfections as well. I think I'm the worst possible person to be dealing with this haha. He just magnifies my insecurities. I know I have issues, so I guess my real question here is would normal people accept this? Is it possible that he actually loves me, despite his comments? How do I deal with this?

tl;dr:He said he only likes white girls, but now he's telling me he loves me and I am not white. He's also made negative comments on my appearance. I love him but not sure how to proceed

quote:

>I love him but not sure how to proceed

You proceed in a direction away from him and never look back.

# ? Jul 10, 2017 17:33

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# ? Jun 11, 2024 22:52

Blue Train: Jun 17, 2012

Dropping some sick negs

# ? Jul 10, 2017 17:39

Owlbear Camus: Jan 3, 2013; Maybe this guy that flies is just sort of passing through, you know?

A good response.

# ? Jul 10, 2017 17:40

timefly: Apr 29, 2008

That guy is horrible what the hell. He doesn't respect her in the least. Why even consider dating someone who says those things? I'm not the hottest girl all the guys I've dated have ever been with but they didn't rub it in my face.

# ? Jul 10, 2017 17:48

Owlbear Camus: Jan 3, 2013; Maybe this guy that flies is just sort of passing through, you know?

She may not be like the objectively hottest you ever had but Goddamn dude make her feel like the hottest thing on earth right now.

I bet he's not even eating her pussy. :smith:

# ? Jul 10, 2017 17:53

Clark Nova: Jul 18, 2004

Pac-Manioc Root posted:

I bet he's not even eating her pussy.

No, because we would've heard about how she's not the best tasting girl he's ever dated, and that her pussy is so much smellier than white women's.

# ? Jul 10, 2017 18:00

But Rocks Hurt Head: Jun 30, 2003; by Hand Knit; Pillbug

Clark Nova posted:

No, because we would've heard about how she's not the best tasting girl he's ever dated, and that her pussy is so much smellier than white women's.

If we knew her ethnicity we could check Ferretball's chart to see exactly where she ranks.

# ? Jul 10, 2017 18:13

But Rocks Hurt Head: Jun 30, 2003; by Hand Knit; Pillbug

Man that was an ancient reference, sorry

# ? Jul 10, 2017 18:13

Cough Drop The Beat: Jan 22, 2012; by Lowtax

That's an amazing response from reddit for once and I hope she runs far away!

# ? Jul 10, 2017 18:18

Haifisch: Nov 13, 2010; Objection! I object! That was... objectionable!; Taco Defender

Hope the snake was worth it, bro.

My (24 F) husband (26 F) abruptly adopted a Burmese python. It terrifies me, and I want to rehome it.

quote:

Maybe this would be more appropriate on /r/snakes, but this problem is less about the python itself and more about my relationship with my husband, so personally I don't think so.

Six months ago, our corn snake unexpectedly died. My husband and I were both very upset; he was a cute little guy and still very young. My husband has owned several small reptiles during his lifetime, and he told me he was thinking of trying a milk snake this time instead of a corn or a garter. Instead, two months after our corn died he came home with a baby Burmese python. Apparently it's always been his dream to own a Burmese. Not only am I pissed that he got something like that without consulting me (on the upside, where we live they are legal) but I had several reservations that have only grown since we've owned it.

-I have GAD and that thing triggers my anxiety like no other. When I was doing research about Burmese pythons I kept reading stories about them killing pets, children, and even their owners. So now I'm freaked out and have barely slept for four months. This is made worse by the fact that my husband has no experience with large snakes and the larger the python grows, the more it shows, and also by us having a cat. The other snakes we've had (our corn snake, and my husband's old garter snake) posed no threat but now I constantly worry that the python is going to get out and eat her. I've taken to locking the cat in our bedroom at night, which interferes with our sleep since she meows and scratches at the door, and I constantly worry about her when she's home alone.
-I'll reiterate, this thing is loving huge. He is already 6 feet long.
-I'm home more than my husband so I have to feed it and change its substrates often. I hate doing both. So much. Especially now that he's graduated to eating rabbits and pigs. I honestly think that since my husband bought him without consulting me that caring for it should be his sole job, but I'm not going to let it go hungry or live in its own waste out of pride.
-I honestly don't think we'll be able to give this snake the best quality of life, which I think is essential for all pets. He's getting too big for the tank he's in, which is his third since we've gotten him, and I don't think we have the room in our house for the enclosure my husband wants to build him. His food is very expensive and eating into our savings, but it's what he needs, so we can't downgrade. The python does not deserve to live in a tiny space and eat inadequate food because my husband wanted one as a kid. At the same time it's a good possibility it could eat us out of house and home.
-I don't want kids while we own a python and these things can live up to 20 years. I don't want to never have children, which I've dreamed of, because of a python.

Because of all these reasons, but especially the ones about our cat and its quality of life, I think we should rehome the python, preferably to a wildlife sanctuary or something. I've gently brought all of this up to my husband-how much mental anguish it causes me, how worried I am for our cat, how the snake is unsustainable-and all he's done is tell me to get over it, accuse me of not caring about his happiness, and tell me I'm being prejudiced against animals that aren't cute and cuddly. None of this is true, not even the last accusation, I liked his smaller snakes a lot.

How can I communicate productively with my husband about this issue? He already loves this snake and I think that's getting in the way of him seeing reason.

Edit: hosed up the title. My husband is male.

Edit 2: For the snake people-I acknowledge now that our husbandry is probably wrong (proving my point even more!) Also I have been informed that the snake probably wasn't a baby if it's at this size now so take that into an account. I am not the most knowledgeable about snakes.

tl;dr: My husband adopted a Burmese python without consulting me. For a variety of reasons, most of all that I worry that it could kill us and the cat, that we don't have enough experience with large reptiles, and that its conditions are too expensive, I think we should rehome it. My husband thinks this means I hate snakes and is offended I want to rehome the python. I need advice on how to communicate with him in a way that will make him see my perspective.

Update: My (24 F) husband (26 M) abruptly adopted a Burmese python. It terrifies me, and I want to rehome it.

quote:

First of all, I have to say thank you for the outpouring of support I got, especially from the reptile enthusiasts who happened to be browsing this sub. You guys are awesome!

Now, I just want to say at the beginning so what everyone wants to hear is heard: the snake is gone and my cat is all right! Here's how it happened. Thursday night while I was replying to people in my post several people suggesting talking to my husband's friend, who owns Burmese pythons, is an experienced reptile keeper, and could be a huge help. I was too blinded by the situation/my own anxiety to even think of that. I messaged him on Facebook Thursday night and told him the situation. He was shocked at just how bad things were, but apparently he tried to warn my husband that owning small snakes and then jumping to a Burm is like thinking owning housecats makes you qualified to own a tiger, but my husband didn't listen. He's been busy going to reptile shows (dude breeds venomous cobras-he's kind of a badass) so he only saw the snake in person once when we just got it and was immediately disturbed when I told him about the overfeeding, my husband's desire to start it on live food, and the fact that it free roams and is handed alone. He told me he'd come over the next day (Friday) and give my husband a real talking to, as well as do anything he could to help us rehome it.

I decided I couldn't live another day in the house like that and neither could my cat, so Friday morning I moved out to my mother's while my husband was at work. It was a bit sneaky, but I knew that if I tried to leave while he was home he'd try to convince me to stay. I called him on his lunch break though and told him I'd left until the snake was gone. He was very upset, but started accusing me of being so petty as to let a snake wreck our marriage. I had nothing productive to say to that so I told him I'd talk to him later.

Well, my husband's friend was so angry at what he saw of the snake that when he got to the house when my husband was home from work he gave him the tongue lashing of his life, and told him in plain terms that now that he saw how woefully inadequate we were as big snake keepers there was NO WAY he was going to let the snake stay at our house. Being yelled at really affected him, when my husband drove over to my mother's to talk to me he looked like a kicked puppy. He broke down and told me that he loved me, that he was sorry for the hell he'd put me through, and that it'd taken having reason yelled to him by an expert for him to really see what was going on and that he understood now that the snake could no longer live with us. I know that at that point that the sorrow he felt was due to having his snake taken away, not of real understanding, not yet. So don't worry, he's not completely off the hook. It was cathartic to hear though.

His friend contacted a herpetology society he works with regularly and then, a member of that society whose specialty is rehabilitating snakes that irresponsible pet owners get and then mistreat on his ranch. So snake went yesterday to this guy's ranch, where he'll be fed the right food (and go on a diet, apparently!) and live in a space big enough for him.

My husband and I have talked a lot about this and he acknowledged that his fervent desire to fulfill his childhood dream made him careless and selfish: that he wasn't trying to be malicious towards me, but he just wanted the snake so badly he'd do and say anything to keep it. It still seems like, though, that he hasn't learned, which I'm not expecting this early but is still a mite disappointing. He talked yesterday about getting a ball python and I put my foot down. I don't think we should get another snake for a long time.

On Sunday I sat him down and asked him to tell me the truth of how he got the python, because walking into a pet shop for a milk snake and just finding a Burmese was sounding more and more implausible the more I thought about it. He admitted that he arranged to get one with a breeder online while he was telling me he wanted a little snake, meaning he was actively lying to me. This breeder is also a state away, meaning my husband participated in something illegal when he met up with him to get it, since transporting Burmese pythons across state lines is against the Lacy Act. I'm very angry about this. I'm upset about his lies, and I'm upset that he blew me off for months. He admitted he lied just because he knew I'd say no, which shows such an immaturity that almost disgusts me. I'm upset that he broke the law. I'm upset that he only listened to what I told him when it came from someone else. Apparently he's been having a quarter life crisis that he didn't tell me about, because he feels that he should have accomplished more with his life at 26 (he never went to college). I feel sympathy for him with that. But that's no excuse to treat me badly.

I moved back home with kitty last night, but our marriage is in severe jeopardy right now due to the lying and the lack of respect my husband has shown me. But I made vows to stick with him and I don't take those lightly. We're going to be getting counseling, which I hope will make him really see what was wrong with what he did, rather than a knee jerk response to "being in trouble", so to speak, and will strengthen us. If not . . . well, I'll have to consider my options.

PS: People were saying in the other post that we were actually feeding the snake guinea pigs and that I was lying to make the snake look bad. Well, I was fudging the truth, but not the way. We were feeding it dead pigLETS. My husband's cousin owns a working ranch with several pigs, and my husband was buying them from him for a pretty penny. I didn't want to say because I thought people would focus on the snake eating baby animals and start calling for its blood instead of offering me advice.

tl;dr: I went to my mother's with my cat and my husband's reptile keeper friend caused him to see reason. The snake is gone, and I'm back with my very happy and healthy kitty. However, our marriage was severely hurt by this whole thing, and we're going to be getting counseling.

Update 2: My (24F) husband (26M) abruptly adopted a Burmese python. It terrifies me, and I want to rehome it.

quote:

Hi, I'm back. The snake is still gone, but I guess I'm coming back out of desperation. People messaged me wanting to know how I was doing anyway.

On the surface, therapy has been going well. My husband has been doing everything right. He's been contrite, open minded, and treats me like a princess at all times. I can tell at home that he's making a conscious effort to listen to my opinions and thoughts, and incorporate our therapist's suggestions into our lives.

I feel like the hugest bitch saying this, but I don't think it's enough.

Over these past weeks I've had to come to terms with the fact that something about how I view my husband has fundamentally changed. And finally, after extensive soul searching a few days ago, I realized what it was: I have no respect for his intelligence anymore, after all this. That is very, very important to me, and now it's just gone and I don't know how it can come back without him getting a personality overhaul. It's killed my physical attraction to him. I normally have a high libido and prior to all this we made love 4 to 5 times a week. Now, since all this went down we've been intimate 3 times. To be fair, while snake was here we were down to 2 to 3 times a week, but it was still more frequent than this.

Despite all the changes he's making he's still himself and I don't think I can like who I know him to be now. He's still his goofy, absentminded self who needs me to balance the checkbook and pack his lunch. I can't respect that anymore, I don't want to be his mom or a naggy sitcom wife. I used to love doing these things for him; throughout our relationship I've taken care of him, patched him up, and helped him solve his problems. I always saw it as the ultimate expression of love. Now I'm just sick of it.

He can tell something's still wrong; he's irritated about my lack of forgiveness and lack of a sex drive lately when he's objectively doing all the right things. But his lack of understanding towards my apprehension makes my feelings even more pronounced.
I realized the other day that I love him dearly as a friend-I've known him since I was 9 years old-but no longer as a husband. That devastates me. I can't believe I'm thinking divorce after less than a year of marriage. I feel like such a failure.

I haven't broached these feelings in therapy yet, because they crystallized only a few days ago. But I don't know how to start because I know saying them will mean my marriage will be over. I have talked to my mom and friends about this, and they all tell me to wait longer, to stick it out, because I made vows. But I feel like I found out something fundamental about my husband that I wish I never had, and that nothing can be the same now.

tl;dr: I think I'm going to have to divorce my husband and it's killing me inside

# ? Jul 10, 2017 18:26

A Wizard of Goatse: Dec 14, 2014

"quarter-life crisis"

# ? Jul 10, 2017 18:28

Milotic: Mar 4, 2009; 9CL apologist; Slippery Tilde

That was a lot of words.

Me [44F] with my wife [42F] duration, with our son [17F]. Is it a valid reason to leave her over her treatment of our gay son?

quote:

u/UnsureFather1
[New account as my coworkers know my reddit.]

There's a mistake in the title, I've been together with my wife for 21 years now.

Well, I truly screwed up the title, we are in fact not a lesbian couple, I am a man.

Where do I even begin this? Last week, our son, out of nowhere for me, came out to me and my wife as gay. I personally hadn't seen it coming, especially as he had girlfriends, but I suspect it might have been to trick himself into being straight or make us believe he is straight.

I have never had anything against gay people, one of my coworkers who I get along with is gay and his husband is a great person. While I would have never thought of having a gay son, it is my duty as a father so support him and love him regardless.

My wife is a self turned christian after some traumatic events. Her faith helped her recover and move on. She frequently prays or reads from her bible in our living room, but she was always respectful of my own decision to not be faithful just like I am respectful towards her. Now, I've always suspected she had a bigoted mindset, especially with the increased media coverage of LGBT people, but I have tried to stay out of it.

I now realize this may have been bad an caused our son to be frightful of us. Thinking back, our son was more "gay" (I sincerely apologize for how this sounds, but please, I mean no harm.) when he was younger, going as far to openly state his Super Man toy was his "boyfriend". My wife snapped at him, calling such behavior "shameful and disgusting", and I went along to avoid conflict with her. This is possibly the reason why our son hid his sexuality from us.

My wife is very distraught, screaming and berating him when he came out to us, which crossed a line with me. I took our son away from her so she could calm down and to have a talk with him in private. I fear he does not believe me fully that I will love him no matter what, but I figure it will take time.

My wife has not stopped being verbally abusive towards our son, causing him to flee our home and sleep at a friend's place (Maybe a boyfriend, I am not sure, does not matter). Now she has gone to berate me, calling me a spineless man and disgusting, and I have enough. This was not the woman I chose to marry and have a child with.

I do intend on leaving her, maybe forever or for an extended period, but the thing is that in the town we live in, my wife is very popular, especially within the church. My son suffers because of this and I do not know how to proceed further.

My friends, coworkers and even family berate me for my decision to seperate from my wife, even supporting her bigoted beliefs, and I am growing more and more unsure. Their comments are wearing at me and I would like to hear other people on this subject and what I should do, especially to protect my son.

I will likely post this on other subreddits as well, but I do not know any LGBT oriented subreddits for this kind of stuff.

tl;dr: Our wife is bigoted towards our gay son and I intend to leave her, but my social network is against it.

That's just sad

# ? Jul 10, 2017 18:30

Owlbear Camus: Jan 3, 2013; Maybe this guy that flies is just sort of passing through, you know?

That's the first time I've ever heard of a guy underselling the size of his snake and it being a deal-breaker when it ends up too big. :v:

So many of these sound like something out of one of those "dumb husband smart wife" sitcoms only they are way less funny playing out with real life people. How do you get so hung up on a danged reptile you sabotage your marriage? Being a weird reptile guy is supposed to be a thing you do when you're a bachelor sitting on milk crates.

# ? Jul 10, 2017 18:31

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

timefly posted:

That guy is horrible what the hell. He doesn't respect her in the least. Why even consider dating someone who says those things? I'm not the hottest girl all the guys I've dated have ever been with but they didn't rub it in my face.

the trick. to showing someone. you love them. is. to. act. like. they're. special.

jeeeesus

# ? Jul 10, 2017 18:32

Owlbear Camus: Jan 3, 2013; Maybe this guy that flies is just sort of passing through, you know?

Pick posted:

the trick. to showing someone. you love them. is. to. act. like. they're. special.

jeeeesus

yeah like how much contempt do you have for someone that you can't even put on a smile and pretend like they are beautiful enough for you to get over your weird self-imposed Nuremberg racial purity code or whatever?

# ? Jul 10, 2017 18:33

Space Kablooey: May 6, 2009

Haifisch posted:

Hope the snake was worth it, bro.

My (24 F) husband (26 F) abruptly adopted a Burmese python. It terrifies me, and I want to rehome it.

Another r/relationships success story!

# ? Jul 10, 2017 18:34

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

Pac-Manioc Root posted:

yeah like how much contempt do you have for someone that you can't even put on a smile and pretend like they are beautiful enough for you to get over your weird self-imposed Nuremberg racial purity code or whatever?

like that photographer story lol

"6/10"

# ? Jul 10, 2017 18:35

A Wizard of Goatse: Dec 14, 2014

Milotic posted:

That was a lot of words.

Me [44F] with my wife [42F] duration, with our son [17F]. Is it a valid reason to leave her over her treatment of our gay son?

That's just sad

at least the kid's got dad in his corner

# ? Jul 10, 2017 18:37

Danaru: Jun 5, 2012; 何 ??

I (24f) accused my boyfriend (30m) of cheating on me and now he won't talk to me

quote:

Hello Reddit.

I've been with my boyfriend for just about a year. I moved in with him this Jan and things have been wonderful.

In the beginning of our relationship I was really insecure because he is very good looking, has a great job, and a beautiful spirit. I didn't think I deserved him at all. He treats me like a princess and always reassured me that I was really special to him. Even took me back after going through his computer and phone behind his back to see if he was cheating. It took me a while to finally trust him and know that he's not out to hurt me. I was def crazy for some time. We've seriously overcome a lot of issues that brought us closer together... until now.

My boyfriend is a little a messy so I took on the liberty of deep cleaning the house and I found a box of unopened condoms under the bed. No big deal, they weren't open. I ended up putting them in his underwear drawer. For the record, we don't use condoms at all so I assumed he bought them a while ago and forgot Since he literally never cleans under the bed.

Fast forward to a few days later and I go into his underwear drawer to look for some boxers to wear around the house and I notice the condoms are gone. I immediately turn into Nancy drew and start looking through all of his poo poo. Nothing indicates he is cheating. I decided I wasn't going to bring it up to him just yet.

Fast forward to about a week later. He's getting off of work and calls me to tell me he's going to the gym. I don't why but something triggered me and I accused him of cheating on me. He went off on me basically saying he thought we were done with this, and things like that. He hung up on me and refused to come home. I was hysterical.

Later on that night, I was looking for the TV remote in between the couch cushions and I saw the box of condoms smashed in the corner. Still unopened. I'm not sure how they got there, I didn't really care. I called him crying basically asking him to forgive me, but he wasn't having it. He came home a few mins later after that. It's been 2 days and he still won't talk to me outside of common pleasantries. I've been trying to give him some space.

Does this mean we're over? What should I do now?

TL;DR: Accused boyfriend of cheating on me when he actually wasn't.

"I literally can't stop accusing my boyfriend of cheating without evidence for our entire relationship, what can I do to resolve this? (besides not accusing him of cheating)"

# ? Jul 10, 2017 18:37

Owlbear Camus: Jan 3, 2013; Maybe this guy that flies is just sort of passing through, you know?

A Wizard of Goatse posted:

at least the kid's got dad in his corner

You would think the gender dynamic would be reversed on this one. A triumph of feminism that it's actually the poppa being cool and the momma belittiling her child for being who he is.

# ? Jul 10, 2017 18:39

A Wizard of Goatse: Dec 14, 2014

Pac-Manioc Root posted:

You would think the gender dynamic would be reversed on this one. A triumph of feminism that it's actually the poppa being cool and the momma belittiling her child for being who he is.

oh man you haven't known many conservative Christian households, have you

# ? Jul 10, 2017 18:39

La Brea Carpet: Nov 22, 2007; I have no mouth and I must post

r/relationships [ANGRY SNAKE NOISES]

Also lol @ I didn't think my son was gay....well I guess he loved his Superman toy and called it his boyfriend all the time.

# ? Jul 10, 2017 18:41

Owlbear Camus: Jan 3, 2013; Maybe this guy that flies is just sort of passing through, you know?

A Wizard of Goatse posted:

oh man you haven't known many conservative Christian households, have you

Good point. I was adjacent to the whole southern baptist thing and often it was the matriarch who was the fire and brimstone and the menfolk just going along because what else you gonna do. I had in mind the stereotype of the dad trying to live out a frustrated legacy: "With them limp wrists he'll never come home from football practice to crack a beer and hang sheet rock around the muscle car engine he's rebuilding."

# ? Jul 10, 2017 18:41

Clearly A Dog: Jun 14, 2017; woof o_o

Milotic posted:

That was a lot of words.

Me [44F] with my wife [42F] duration, with our son [17F]. Is it a valid reason to leave her over her treatment of our gay son?

That's just sad

Yea, now i'm depressed...

# ? Jul 10, 2017 18:41

A Wizard of Goatse: Dec 14, 2014

Pac-Manioc Root posted:

Good point. I was adjacent to the whole southern baptist thing and often it was the matriarch who was the fire and brimstone and the menfolk just going along because what else you gonna do. I had in mind the stereotype of the dad trying to live out a frustrated legacy: "With them limp wrists he'll never come home from football practice to crack a beer and hang sheet rock around the muscle car engine he's rebuilding."

in communities that don't go in much for womens' lib you can still get a crazy amount of power as a woman by becoming the community witchhunter

Danaru posted:

I (24f) accused my boyfriend (30m) of cheating on me and now he won't talk to me

"I literally can't stop accusing my boyfriend of cheating without evidence for our entire relationship, what can I do to resolve this? (besides not accusing him of cheating)"

sounds like she already has resolved it; that relationship is definitively resolved

A Wizard of Goatse fucked around with this message at 18:46 on Jul 10, 2017

# ? Jul 10, 2017 18:44

new phone who dis: May 24, 2007; by VideoGames; Morbid Hound

A Wizard of Goatse posted:

at least the kid's got dad in his corner

Yeah, it was kind of inspiring because usually the henpecked dude will just go along with it.

# ? Jul 10, 2017 18:45

Clark Nova: Jul 18, 2004

Milotic posted:

That was a lot of words.

Me [44F] with my wife [42F] duration, with our son [17F]. Is it a valid reason to leave her over her treatment of our gay son?

That's just sad

Is getting the gently caress out of your terrible small town ASAP ever not the solution to a problem?

# ? Jul 10, 2017 18:45

blarzgh: Apr 14, 2009; SNITCHIN' RANDY; Grimey Drawer

A Wizard of Goatse posted:

oh man you haven't known many conservative Christian households, have you

The mom is always the really crazy one.

# ? Jul 10, 2017 18:46

WampaLord: Jan 14, 2010

Holy hell, the loving stubbornness of snake dude just makes me so angry. Also, what kind of stupid rear end quarter life crisis goal is "own a big snake?"

# ? Jul 10, 2017 18:48

new phone who dis: May 24, 2007; by VideoGames; Morbid Hound

WampaLord posted:

Holy hell, the loving stubbornness of snake dude just makes me so angry. Also, what kind of stupid rear end quarter life crisis goal is "own a big snake?"

A real dumb one.

# ? Jul 10, 2017 18:48

Owlbear Camus: Jan 3, 2013; Maybe this guy that flies is just sort of passing through, you know?

WampaLord posted:

Holy hell, the loving stubbornness of snake dude just makes me so angry. Also, what kind of stupid rear end quarter life crisis goal is "own a big snake?"

Aspiring Supervillain?

# ? Jul 10, 2017 18:49

Milotic: Mar 4, 2009; 9CL apologist; Slippery Tilde

Not sure if real. I have no idea how you do a three way call, but I'm British and it's not really a thing here.

I [M/25] recently learned my father [50s M] is/was cheating on my mother [50s F]. I instantly went nuclear. Advice on my response/how to move forward with my family.

quote:

u/nuclearthrowaway1234
Hi Reddit - I have a juicy one for you. I say that because the actual drama has largely played itself out, but I'm feeling some guilt over what I've done, and could use advice on how to move forward.

Using a throwaway and changing some details just to be safe.

Background on my family is that it's been pretty idyllic; my folks have always gotten on well, are strong communicators, parented myself and my younger siblings as a team, and were very good parents. My teenage years were a rough patch in my relationship with my father, but since I left for college at 18 we really began getting along. When I pictured a strong marriage, I pictured my parents, bar none.

The other day, it all came crashing down. This entire story takes place over roughly an hour.

I received a Facebook message request from a stranger. I've been trying to fill an empty spot in my apartment, so I was in the habit of accepting these requests, and figured it was someone interested in the room. The initial messages were odd, however; broken English, small talk, no mention of an apartment. I then figured it was a scam of some sort, so I of course kept messaging the woman to see where it went and waste their time.

Then, she made a comment about my sister, and said that her boyfriend talks about me and my sister all the time. I asked who her boyfriend was. She replied "Your dad - he doesn't talk about me?" At this point, I assumed I was being blackmailed or scammed. My father's career led him to a very high-profile corporate job with a massive international company, so it was definitely not out of the realm of possibility. Certainly my father wasn't cheating on my mother.

Then she sent photos - one of those tri-frame Instagram photos. Her on the beach with a man who was no doubt my father. Selfies with arms around each other, one with her kissing him on the cheek. I thought "Okay, this could be real. Or, that could be some younger female coworker who's just overly affectionate and Dad indulged her in a selfie. This scammer found it and is using it."

Around this time, I started getting unprompted, unrelated texts from my father. "How are you, how are things going, etc." Odd timing, right?

Thinking on my feet, I took a new approach. When she asked again if my father had mentioned his girlfriend to me, I quickly responded "Yes, of course - sorry, I just wasn't sure which one you were."

My thinking was that if this was a scam, saying my father was routinely unfaithful to my mother and dated multiple women at once removed their leverage. If this was real, then I'd throw a wrench in my Dad's affair and force the truth out. Oh boy, did I get what I bargained for.

The woman freaked out - frantic questions about who this other woman was. I answered them all, and concocted a story about a woman I'd met just a few months prior, who was from [country my father works in regularly], made up a name, said my father had been dating women on the side for years, etc. She bought it entirely. The woman asked to speak on the phone, so I obliged. At this point, I realized this was real - the woman was in hysterics, sobbing about how she thought my father loved her, how could he do this, so on and so forth. I kept playing it cool and acted sympathetic, saying that my father had been a player for years and that he was usually upfront with his girlfriends about seeing other women, and that I was so sorry she had to hear from me. This let me learn who she was and how long the affair had been going on.

Then, she asks if I'd be willing to be on a three-way call with her and my father, without his knowledge. I immediately said yes. Within 60 seconds, I was muted on a three-way call listening to my father console this strange woman, who I had fully convinced that she was one of many side-chicks, and explain to her that I was attempting to sabotage their relationship because of what I'd just learned. "He didn't know that his father was cheating on his mother. He didn't know that his parents are getting a divorce, and now he's just learned that from a stranger!" he explained.

At this point, I hopped on the call and let him know that, actually, I had learned about the divorce from him, since his insecure bitch of a girlfriend hadn't said anything about the divorce yet. He said "Oh, Christ" and I left the call.

I called my mother immediately afterwards to figure out what was going on. She let me know that the two of them had been going through the early stages of a divorce for several months, that it was amicable and they both thought it best, and had plans to tell all three of us once things were more finalized. She said that she had only learned of the affair, however, a few days prior to this incident.

The following morning, after a lengthy and heated discussion with my parents, I sent an email to both of them outlining why I was so hurt by this. I don't care about them getting divorced, I trust them to do it kindly and amicably and they both seem intent on doing it that way as well. I did care about;

This insane woman thinking it was okay to contact me
My father probing me once he realized that I had been contacted by his GF
My father consoling his GF of >3 months instead of contacting me once he realized that I knew about the affair
My father carrying on an affair and endangering his wife and children, rather than just waiting until after the separation
Ultimately, I told my father not to contact me until I had reconciled what kind of relationship I want to have with him at this point.

Here's where I need advice. I feel guilty about what I did. I immediately, ruthlessly, and effectively destroyed the relationship that my father had with this woman, who for her part at least seemed to really love him and feel loved by him. She is now convinced that he was cheating on her too. While it's obviously my dad's own fault for starting this relationship in secret while he was still with my mother, I still wonder if I've destroyed something that could have been really good for my Dad. I'm also kind of shocked at myself for being able and willing to manipulate people like that.

I also don't know where to go from here. I'm absolutely disgusted by my father and have lost a lot of respect for him. I'm not the one being cheated on, but I definitely feel like I've been put second-fiddle to his GF of >3 months. The damage control should have been with his son, not his mistress, right? Even so, I love my father, and have been building a wonderful relationship with him over the last 4-6 years especially. I don't want to throw that all away. I can't figure out in my head what it is I want him to say or do that will allow me to forgive him.

I would love any thoughts on my behavior in this situation, or how I can reconcile my love for my Dad with this absolute loss of respect I have for him.

tl;dr: Learned that my Dad was cheating on my Mom, and immediately torpedoed his affair with some heartless manipulation. Feel guilty about what I've done and am struggling to see a path towards forgiving my father.

# ? Jul 10, 2017 18:50

A Wizard of Goatse: Dec 14, 2014

WampaLord posted:

Holy hell, the loving stubbornness of snake dude just makes me so angry. Also, what kind of stupid rear end quarter life crisis goal is "own a big snake?"

Midlife crisis: I'm buying a Lambo
Quarter-life crisis: I'm buying a snake
Twentieth-life crisis: I'm eating the entire loving cookie jar

# ? Jul 10, 2017 18:52

La Brea Carpet: Nov 22, 2007; I have no mouth and I must post

My [29F] BF [33M] of 6 months admitted he's been wanting to sleep with other women a week ago. We are trying an open relationship but I can't help but feel he's making a huge mistake and I'm distraught over this.

quote:

My boyfriend and I have been going through a rough patch lately and last week he admitted he's been having desires to sleep with other women, especially when we're fighting. I was completely heartbroken but I suggested trying an open relationship. I think I am not ready to let him go, so I suggested an open relationship to appease him.

I can't help but feel like he's making a huge mistake. He says I am very easy to talk to, which is very hard to find. He says if we ever broke up, he can actually see us being friends because we get along so well.It hurts my heart that he wants to jeopardize our relationship so he can sleep with other women. He doesn't like the idea of me sleeping with other people, but he knows he doesn't have control over that. He does want to know if I do end up sleeping with someone, although he admitted he would be upset and wouldn't look at me the same. There are feelings on both ends, so I'm having trouble wrapping my head around his mindset.

I realize this situation is completely messed up and I should walk away. I just hung out with him yesterday and it felt like old times, except his phone kept going off with Tinder notifications. I made a joke about it but I was hurting inside. We ended up hooking up at the end of the night.

My mind is jumbled, my heart is hurting, and I'm completely lost on what to do.I know it's pathetic but I feel like a part of me is wanting him to realize what a great thing he is willing to let go. A part of me wants to tell him to delete Tinder, but I feel like I have no say. Please help.

tl;dr: Boyfriend wants to sleep with other women. I am pathetic and trying to hold onto hope that he would come back to me

# ? Jul 10, 2017 18:53

Clark Nova: Jul 18, 2004

WampaLord posted:

Holy hell, the loving stubbornness of snake dude just makes me so angry. Also, what kind of stupid rear end quarter life crisis goal is "own a big snake?"

Maybe he has a bunch of knives, full sleeves of Mr. Cool Ice tier tattoos, and is going for the trashy idiot trifecta

# ? Jul 10, 2017 18:54

Danaru: Jun 5, 2012; 何 ??

Milotic posted:

Not sure if real. I have no idea how you do a three way call, but I'm British and it's not really a thing here.

I [M/25] recently learned my father [50s M] is/was cheating on my mother [50s F]. I instantly went nuclear. Advice on my response/how to move forward with my family.

# ? Jul 10, 2017 18:55

Owlbear Camus: Jan 3, 2013; Maybe this guy that flies is just sort of passing through, you know?

La Brea Carpet posted:

I realize this situation is completely messed up and I should walk away.

# ? Jul 10, 2017 18:56

Nessa: Dec 15, 2008

Pac-Manioc Root posted:

You would think the gender dynamic would be reversed on this one. A triumph of feminism that it's actually the poppa being cool and the momma belittiling her child for being who he is.

Christianity can really mess you up.

I suffered from internalized homophobia for years before I finally accepted myself as bi.

# ? Jul 10, 2017 18:57

WampaLord: Jan 14, 2010

Milotic posted:

Not sure if real. I have no idea how you do a three way call, but I'm British and it's not really a thing here.

I [M/25] recently learned my father [50s M] is/was cheating on my mother [50s F]. I instantly went nuclear. Advice on my response/how to move forward with my family.

Man this reads like stdh.txt but I loving cracked up at this part:

quote:

At this point, I hopped on the call and let him know that, actually, I had learned about the divorce from him, since his insecure bitch of a girlfriend hadn't said anything about the divorce yet. He said "Oh, Christ" and I left the call.

# ? Jul 10, 2017 18:58

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# ? Jun 11, 2024 22:52

new phone who dis: May 24, 2007; by VideoGames; Morbid Hound

Clark Nova posted:

Maybe he has a bunch of knives, full sleeves of Mr. Cool Ice tier tattoos, and is going for the trashy idiot trifecta

Only wears metal band t-shirts, with or without sleeves.

# ? Jul 10, 2017 19:00

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