SA's Greatest Sagas: careful that's a load-bearing slur

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Gumbel2Gumbel: Apr 28, 2010

Jeffrey of YOSPOS posted:

Haha wtf, it's like that huge rear end analysis of four chapters of "a dance with dragons" but is about a weird goon. I've never heard of "Adaptive Systems", is this worth reading any of?

Adaptive Systems came back once and said No, it's probably not worth reading any of it.

Gumbel2Gumbel has a new favorite as of 23:18 on Jul 10, 2017

# ? Jul 10, 2017 23:16

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# ? May 17, 2024 20:34

SUPERMAN'S GAL PAL: Feb 21, 2006; Holy Moly! DARKSEID IS!

So complete shot in the dark here: years ago there was a thread that started in GBS but got moved to either Helldump or FYAD and had "Der Furher's Face" embedded by either Lowtax or another admin and lots of gifs mocking Nazis. I can't even remember what the thread was about (probably some self-owning white supremacist) but it was so out of left field for the forum structure itself to mock the poster it always stuck in my memory.

Another old one: mod or admin posting a literal honeypot thread where it stated as much in a text color that matched the forum background. Anyone who posted was banned. Good times. :downs:

# ? Jul 10, 2017 23:20

a kitten: Aug 5, 2006

Adaptive Systems was one of the oldschool gimmick posters here along with Jaded Mensa Op and Adventures of Jesus, they'd pop into random threads occasionally and make crazy, off the wall posts in character. They were a lot of fun at the time because usually they were doing it in otherwise unremarkable or lovely threads and compared to that their brand of weird fiction was fun to encounter.

I suspect that just reading them as a list instead of stumbling across one organically would make them lose a lot of luster.

# ? Jul 10, 2017 23:20

TheKennedys: Sep 23, 2006; By my hand, I will take you from this godforsaken internet

Adaptive Systems was fantastic in context but their posts may not have aged well, since they're very much tied to SA culture when it was written. I've reread the ebook and it's still great but coming into it for the first time 10+ years later it would probably lose a lot.

# ? Jul 10, 2017 23:23

goethe.cx: Apr 23, 2014

I remember a thread where goons were seriously floating the idea that Adaptive Systems was Thomas Pynchon

# ? Jul 10, 2017 23:27

Jeffrey of YOSPOS: Dec 22, 2005; GET LOSE, YOU CAN'T COMPARE WITH MY POWERS

SUPERMAN'S GAL PAL posted:

So complete shot in the dark here: years ago there was a thread that started in GBS but got moved to either Helldump or FYAD and had "Der Furher's Face" embedded by either Lowtax or another admin and lots of gifs mocking Nazis. I can't even remember what the thread was about (probably some self-owning white supremacist) but it was so out of left field for the forum structure itself to mock the poster it always stuck in my memory.

Another old one: mod or admin posting a literal honeypot thread where it stated as much in a text color that matched the forum background. Anyone who posted was banned. Good times.

I doubt that these will still work. HTML in posts was phased out forever ago. It's vaguely possible that admins can still do it but I kinda doubt it. You can find really old posts in the archives that just have html tags in them.

# ? Jul 10, 2017 23:30

Megabound: Oct 20, 2012

If you want to get into a good ongoing breakdown check out all of Caredressers posts in the Aus thread, starting with:

Caredresser posted:

If a girl is a month off 17 am I, a 21 yr old, a total skeeve to fool around with her? Her profile said 18 but after chatting a whole bunch she drops that reveal

She is finished school at the very least

And rolling into yesterday...

Caredresser posted:

If you wake up from a benzo nap on a bus in a strange location locked in and alone and there's 100 bucks in 5s just sitting there the first reaction is to grab it

When later someone asks you where's my money you've woken up a bit and just hand it back because that is a new low

It's quite the ride.

# ? Jul 11, 2017 00:24

Palpek: Dec 27, 2008; Do you feel it, Zach?
My coffee warned me about it.

Jeffrey of YOSPOS posted:

Haha wtf, it's like that huge rear end analysis of four chapters of "a dance with dragons" but is about a weird goon. I've never heard of "Adaptive Systems", is this worth reading any of?

I have no idea how you haven't heard of Adaptive Systems, he's pretty much a legend. I don't guarantee that you'll love his posts but drat, he's definitely one for the books when it comes to SA.

# ? Jul 11, 2017 00:28

Jeffrey of YOSPOS: Dec 22, 2005; GET LOSE, YOU CAN'T COMPARE WITH MY POWERS

Palpek posted:

I have no idea how you haven't heard of Adaptive Systems, he's pretty much a legend. I don't guarantee that you'll love his posts but drat, he's definitely one for the books when it comes to SA.

Sounds like some :regd04:

poo poo.

I'll check it out though.

# ? Jul 11, 2017 00:53

Ghostlight: Sep 25, 2009; maybe for one second you can pause; try to step into another person's perspective, and understand that a watermelon is cursing me

Megabound posted:

It's quite the ride.

I can't have bong shapes in the house because I might smoke some weed. Also I'm giving all my psychoactive medication to my dealer so I stop abusing it.

:thunk:

# ? Jul 11, 2017 00:54

But Rocks Hurt Head: Jun 30, 2003; by Hand Knit; Pillbug

Hey does anyone have any of the old Taoc the wonder dog videos? There used to be an account on youtube that archived them but even it's gone.

# ? Jul 11, 2017 02:09

berth ell pup: Mar 20, 2017; I am a business magnet.

i think dr. casio was like creepily obsessed with hair too?

Speaking of, former mod and ducktales erotic fanfic writer Senior Woodchuck wrote about sniffing some random womans hair on the nyc subway and getting a boner too which is kinda gross.

# ? Jul 11, 2017 04:22

syscall girl: Nov 7, 2009; by FactsAreUseless; Fun Shoe

Subjunctive posted:

That must have felt so good.

Like taking a pair of scissors to your hymen

# ? Jul 11, 2017 05:16

Scudworth: Jan 1, 2005; When life gives you lemons, you clone those lemons, and make super lemons.; Dinosaur Gum

syscall girl posted:

Like taking a pair of scissors to your hymen

Oh did you read that old e/n thread too?

# ? Jul 11, 2017 05:23

syscall girl: Nov 7, 2009; by FactsAreUseless; Fun Shoe

Scudworth posted:

Oh did you read that old e/n thread too?

Alas, yes.

Who knew that genitals could produce so much blood from home surgery?

# ? Jul 11, 2017 05:30

Ghostlight: Sep 25, 2009; maybe for one second you can pause; try to step into another person's perspective, and understand that a watermelon is cursing me

Toys For rear end Bum, for one.

# ? Jul 11, 2017 05:32

Lone Goat: Apr 16, 2003; When life gives you lemons, suplex those lemons.

Gumbel2Gumbel posted:

Adaptive Systems came back once and said No, it's probably not worth reading any of it.

Did they spend 8000 words saying it?

# ? Jul 11, 2017 05:39

Charles Bukowski: Aug 26, 2003; Taskmaster 2023 Second Place Winner; Grimey Drawer

Adaptive Systems wrote a good post about getting into your first fight. I think I have it saved in my quotes file, I'll try to find it.

e: I shall be utterly truthful in every respect and summarize the existential dilemma presented by one�s first fist fight.

The instant you become aware that are you inescapably confronted with an imminent, intentional act of severe physical violence, an animal fear exactly like the kind kittens feel knowing they are about to be maliciously drowned builds within you towards an unbearable crescendo. The instant his fist strikes you square in the nose, the fear breaks utterly and you become suddenly aware that you are dead. In the instant that follows, you come to know that not only are you not dead, but you alone, among all the men that have lived, cannot be killed by means whatsoever. Then you see his head snap back savagely as if pulled by a hangmen�s noose around his neck, and you realize that you did that, and you are overcome with a feeling that is simultaneously profoundly healthy and deeply obscene, like the first time you watched your cock slide into a woman�s sloppy pussy and felt the waves of euphoria and nausea cascade over your body and until you know that you were born a living god, for whom the satisfaction of all desires is the greatest possible moral good.

ee: That's a lil bit cringey tbh in tyool 2017. A lot of his writing doesn't hold up anymore now that we're all 30+.

Charles Bukowski has a new favorite as of 06:24 on Jul 11, 2017

# ? Jul 11, 2017 05:44

berth ell pup: Mar 20, 2017; I am a business magnet.

syscall girl posted:

Alas, yes.

Who knew that genitals could produce so much blood from home surgery?

i had forgotten about that one.

# ? Jul 11, 2017 06:12

Absurd Alhazred: Mar 27, 2010; by Athanatos

Bertrand Hustle posted:

Did I miss something? Everything I've seen from Elsa is just boring white noise.

Some people just can't help rear end-tracing uphill.

# ? Jul 11, 2017 06:46

I. M. Gei: Jun 26, 2005; CHIEFS

BITCH

Scudworth posted:

Oh did you read that old e/n thread too?

I didn't. Link please.

# ? Jul 11, 2017 07:12

Scudworth: Jan 1, 2005; When life gives you lemons, you clone those lemons, and make super lemons.; Dinosaur Gum

Dr. Gitmo Moneyson posted:

I didn't. Link please.

DIY Gynecology - A Coming Of Age Tale
https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3409334&userid=0&perpage=40&pagenumber=1

I contend, as I see I also did at the time, that the only disturbing part of this thread is goons knowing shitfuck all about the female body.

# ? Jul 11, 2017 07:36

Moon Slayer: Jun 19, 2007

Charles Bukowski posted:

ee: That's a lil bit cringey tbh in tyool 2017. A lot of his writing doesn't hold up anymore now that we're all 30+.

You actually thought this was good at one point?

# ? Jul 11, 2017 07:45

Twitch: Apr 15, 2003; by Fluffdaddy

I thought Adaptive Systems and a couple other of those guys were way too wordy. I thought Hakan and Skrewloose were gut-busting hilarious, so don't feel like I think I'm on some sort of high horse about old goon stories.

GameQuoter was always great, though.

# ? Jul 11, 2017 09:42

BENGHAZI 2: Oct 13, 2007; by Cyrano4747

My favorite vaguely gross en thread is the goon who was lactose intolerant and ate a bunch of cheese and had rancid farts, if anyone has a link I'd love to read it agaib

# ? Jul 11, 2017 09:51

du -hast: Mar 12, 2003; BEHEAD THOSE WHO INSULT GENTOO

Does anyone have a link to the thread that went something like a morbidly obese man took a bath with and/or bathed his kittens in it, then stepped on a kitten once getting out of the bath, crushing it to death.

There was a FYAD spinoff thread where the made fun of him about it and then his final post or something was like "Good by Mr. Buttons and PS FYAD are monsters" (might have been his custom title).

# ? Jul 11, 2017 09:53

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

the goon genitalia EN thread i remember is the guy who got an adult circumcision and it turned out he never washed his dick before it happened

# ? Jul 11, 2017 09:53

steinrokkan: Apr 2, 2011; Soiled Meat

Didn't he also do it on purpose? Or was that a different fart goon

# ? Jul 11, 2017 09:53

darkwasthenight: Jan 7, 2011; GENE TRAITOR

steinrokkan posted:

Didn't he also do it on purpose? Or was that a different fart goon

He wasn't doing the farting on purpose, but he did refuse to stop eating cheese. After it turned out he was lactose intolerant he was very happy because that meant he couldn't be fired for clearing out the warehouse with his rancid rear end gufts multiple times a day. He supplied a picture of his cheese vault of a fridge and it was enough to set me off farting just from looking at the picture.

# ? Jul 11, 2017 09:57

Palpek: Dec 27, 2008; Do you feel it, Zach?
My coffee warned me about it.

Yeah, it was great when the insanely lactose intolerant goon panicking about losing his job over his weapons-grade death farts posted a pic of the inside of his fridge and there wasn't just a lot of cheese in it, oh no, the fridge was filled with whole cheese wheels.

# ? Jul 11, 2017 10:23

Screaming Idiot: Nov 26, 2007; JUST POSTING WHILE JERKIN' MY GHERKIN SITTIN' IN A PERKINS!

BEATS SELLING MERKINS.

Palpek posted:

Yeah, it was great when the insanely lactose intolerant goon panicking about losing his job over his weapons-grade death farts posted a pic of the inside of his fridge and there wasn't just a lot of cheese in it, oh no, the fridge was filled with whole cheese wheels.

I love it, it's like something out of a cartoon.

# ? Jul 11, 2017 10:38

Lunchmeat Larry: Nov 3, 2012

Moon Slayer posted:

You actually thought this was good at one point?

I wil absolutely never understand the love for Adaptive Systems, everything I've read by him has been cringeworthy poo poo. I think the only one I've read through was the hilariously bad thing about time secretly being a big boat that's going to magically push you into a nuclear explosion or something, I felt like I was having a stroke because everyone was praising it as amazing and deep just a few months ago

# ? Jul 11, 2017 10:46

BENGHAZI 2: Oct 13, 2007; by Cyrano4747

Palpek posted:

Yeah, it was great when the insanely lactose intolerant goon panicking about losing his job over his weapons-grade death farts posted a pic of the inside of his fridge and there wasn't just a lot of cheese in it, oh no, the fridge was filled with whole cheese wheels.

I remember a post about how much he loving loved broccoli with cheese

# ? Jul 11, 2017 10:48

Palpek: Dec 27, 2008; Do you feel it, Zach?
My coffee warned me about it.

Screaming Idiot posted:

I love it, it's like something out of a cartoon.

# ? Jul 11, 2017 10:58

Screaming Idiot: Nov 26, 2007; JUST POSTING WHILE JERKIN' MY GHERKIN SITTIN' IN A PERKINS!

BEATS SELLING MERKINS.

Palpek I want to leave blood offerings at your altar

# ? Jul 11, 2017 11:04

Rupert Buttermilk: Apr 15, 2007; 🚣RowboatMan: ❄️Freezing time🕰️ is an old P.I. 🥧trick...

This was a mini unfinished saga (so perhaps it's just not a saga at all), but I'll ask anyway; anyone else remember that IT goon who worked at some slightly remote location, alone, and every day around the same time, some random dude would drive into the dusty parking lot of the place, get out of his truck, and take a leak nearby?

I think random pisser didn't think anyone else was there, and I think maybe IT goon was going to confront him but never updated his thread again :negative:

# ? Jul 11, 2017 11:46

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

du -hast posted:

Does anyone have a link to the thread that went something like a morbidly obese man took a bath with and/or bathed his kittens in it, then stepped on a kitten once getting out of the bath, crushing it to death.

There was a FYAD spinoff thread where the made fun of him about it and then his final post or something was like "Good by Mr. Buttons and PS FYAD are monsters" (might have been his custom title).

I don't have a link to the thread, but IIRC he was keeping the kitten in the bathtub because he wanted to keep it from roaming all over the place, but the kitten had gotten big enough to get out of the bathtub, and he stepped on it in the hallway before he realized it was there? Legitimately a sad and unnerving story, but on the other hand, dude, if you want to contain a cat, close a door or put up a baby gate or something.

# ? Jul 11, 2017 12:08

Palpek: Dec 27, 2008; Do you feel it, Zach?
My coffee warned me about it.

That reminds me of the goon who revealed that when he was a child he got a puppy from his parents and a couple of days later he was standing on top of the stairs holding the puppy when it peed on his hands and he got disgusted with it so his stupid kid brain made him drop the puppy right then and there - it fell down the stairs and died. People in the thread went nuts and the guy admitted that to this day he lives with guilt over it.

# ? Jul 11, 2017 12:20

SaltyJesus: Jun 2, 2011; Arf!

Jeffrey of YOSPOS posted:

Haha wtf, it's like that huge rear end analysis of four chapters of "a dance with dragons" but is about a weird goon. I've never heard of "Adaptive Systems", is this worth reading any of?

I think Adaptive Systems wrote at least one piece of genuinely great writing. I apologise for the length but we'd be remiss to talk about AS and not post this.

quote:

THE GREAT WAR

My father’s mother recently died, in her late nineties, after two solid decades of fervent, daily,
devoutly Catholic prayer for release from her increasingly humiliatingly decrepit body. I
remember sitting with her in the dead of winter, in a lovely seafood restaurant, a few miles from
the Atlantic. It wasn’t too long before her mind went, and almost as if she knew she didn’t have
much time, she talked hurriedly, pausing only to sip her mineral water, and then returning to all
the wondrous things she had the great good fortune to witness, from hearing the news that Peary
had made it to the North pole, to actually seeing the Spirit of Saint Louis in person.

She remembered very keenly an afternoon spent doing the laundry in the alleyway with her
mother in the Irish ghetto of Philadelphia. While they washed, they each kept an eye on her two
younger brothers Frank and Joseph playing at war. A neighbor woman stopped in passing and
said that she thought it wasn’t proper, to let kids play at war, what with the American boys dying
over there, nowadays. And plus, it wasn’t Christian to encourage that sort of thing, now that we
knew how horrible it could be, what with the mustard gas and the machine guns.

My great-grandmother nodded, she understood perfectly. But, she said, since there was really no
danger of these children ever having to go to war, she couldn’t really see the harm in it. Might as
well let the little ones play, without scaring them by telling them that it wasn’t a game. She thought it could hardly do any harm; everyone knew there wouldn’t be any wars after this one,
this war to settle all disputes, to settle the course of human civilization for the next millennia. Humanity simply couldn’t afford it, and all the leaders of the Great Powers knew it, finally. The Neighbor saw her point, and confided in her how she too felt so lucky to know that her children would never have to sail off and fight in a distant land, but that she also felt guilty, knowing that Missus O’Shea’s son had been born too soon for her to enjoy the same comfort.

Two decades later, my grandmother was living in San Francisco with her husband, a structural
engineer who quit his practice designing skyscrapers and went to work for the military designing
battleships. She heard the news of the Pearl Harbor attack while her husband was out boozing
with his floozies. He came home late, and she clutched at him in a fearful frenzy the instant he
came in the door. Assuming she was on again about his living in mortal sin and all that poo poo, he
slapped her in the mouth and called her a crazy bitch before passing out. She went out to the
bank that week, and remembered seeing all the pretty Japanese girls in the city all made up like
movie stars, but so scared they trembled and looked like they would burst into tears at any
moment.

And then, a few short years later, her brother Frank was leaning out of a tank hatch, not too far
from Berlin. He was in the middle of a small town, one that had been cleared of Nazis, listening
to an officer in the street, who was directing tanks forward. While he was trying to hear the
officer’s voice over the din of the engines, he caught a glimpse of a man appearing in the open
doorway of the ruined building across the street, and saw him instantly unleash a Panzerfaust
directly at the center mass of the tank that he precariously balanced from. The Panzerfaust
sparked across the street, and the officer, shouting orders, never seeing it coming, took it
squarely in the back. It exploded through him, sending a shower of shrapnel and flesh cascading
off the tank and through Frank’s torso, neatly slicing his left arm off just below the shoulder.

After the war, even with one arm, he was still able to find good factory work, and being a purple
heart helped, though not as much as you might think, given that everyone was busy trying to get
in on the rising tide and join the middle class. Frank’s brother Joseph spent the war doing
clerical, rear-echelon work. After the war, he became an accountant and did well for himself.
Each brother silently knew who had gotten the better end of the bargain.

Frank suffered a stroke in the bathroom at eighty. Three more the next week, and a drooling but
largely lucid death that I am sure he thanked his loving Catholic God he had lived long enough to
enjoy. Losing your arm as a kid teaches you a few things, I think. Like, “Better to die flat on your
back in bed than cut in half on the cobblestones,” and don’t let the liars fool ya, kid.

Everyone is sad to see the greatest generation go, and rightly so. The wars of the past century are
myths to us; we all want to draw near the old veterans sitting around the dimming campfire and
be regaled by the tales of their heroism, and fanaticize about the acts of courage we would have
been capable of, if only history had seen fit to grace us with the chance. The simplest of us
mourn openly for lack of an opportunity to prove ourselves, though most of us, even the most
decent, will find some similar longing if we search honestly enough .

But none of us is too eager to have been the wives of some of these heroes, trying to understand
why they could only sleep on the floors for years after coming home, or deal with them sinking
into Alzheimer’s, limping around the house shouting. Where are you? Where are you? Sergeant,
Donny’s in the street! Sergeant! Get out of my way you German bitch! Sergeant! Donny’s hit!
And none of us fantasize about being the mothers, getting the telegraph with the details of our
only child’s death. And none of us, honestly, is too eager to have died at Iwo Jima, no matter how
much fun Hollywood makes it look.

Instead we imagine what it must have been like, wearing bomber jackets, flak flying by on our
left and our right, having no fear, knowing we were as pure as Arthurian Knights. We relish the
thought of outflanking our enemy and taking vengeance for poor, poor Kowalski’s death,
because we always imagine it’ll be our best friend to go, and never us. We comfort ourselves
with the compliment that it will be us that stays coolly, crucially detached in the heat of battle
while the blood of our fellow teenagers is hacked brutally into our faces, between hideous
pleading sputters.

For some, the fact that I should merely pause to reflect upon these truths is disgraceful; a sign of
cowardice and shameful slander on the dead, if not outright treason. For them, for those brave
souls unencumbered by dread of slaughter, who weep not for broken cities, who see shallow
corpse-strewn puddles as a paths to glory, who see war coming to them as a sacred calling, a
chance to make prideful sacrifices and secure a lifetime’s worth of valor, for them I bring this
consoling reassurance:

Have no fear. There is still time to be a war hero. The Great War is still coming. It’s there, over
the horizon, and its sails are full with the wind that beats from the wings of the angel of history
on her endless journey to escape us.
That ghost ship rushes towards you every bit as fast as you could hope.
Faster than you might have wanted, in hindsight.

Assuming you get to enjoy that peculiar wisdom of the living.

# ? Jul 11, 2017 12:25

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# ? May 17, 2024 20:34

Ichabod Tane: Oct 30, 2005; A most notable
coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise breaker, the owner of no one good quality.

https://youtu.be/_Ojd0BdtMBY?t=4

No way that I'm going to read that poo poo. My eyes rolled in the back of my head once the Angela's Ashes Irish immigrant poo poo started

# ? Jul 11, 2017 12:27

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