/r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > /r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

A Wizard of Goatse: Dec 14, 2014

Pac-Manioc Root posted:

Yeah it's either a lie where she'll show him "look I even asked online how to make you understand it's all just a big mix up" or she's stupid and inconsiderate, either way .

I don't get why the prank would require disrobing, just faking the noises for him to hear through the door would probably suffice as a [terrible, idiot] "gotcha" that didn't run as much risk of actually looking like the deed.

because it's no fun to gently caress with your clothes still on

# ? Jul 21, 2017 20:40

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# ? May 30, 2024 15:16

WampaLord: Jan 14, 2010

Yesterday, I[27M] found out that I can't have children on my own. Problem is, I already have one[9F] from a previous marriage. What do I do now?

quote:

So as you can guess by the title this is a pretty poo poo situation and I need some help.

My wife Kara and I have been married for 2 years now. Recently we've started trying for a baby and after failing for awhile, we decided to go to the doctor. We went through with the required tests and yesterday my doctor got back to me. My wife doesn't have any issues and is in perfect condition. Me, not so much.

Long story short, due to a genetic defect in my body, I can't have children on my own. This is a huge shock for me. Mostly because I already have a child. My daughter Lily. I was 18 when I married Lily's mother after she became pregnant with her and we divorced 2 years after that.

So my question here is simple, what am I supposed to do with this shitshow? I still haven't told my wife, mainly because she is out of the country but will be back home tomorrow. I also haven't had a word with my ex-wife because one, I don't want to see her right now and two, I don't know what to even say to her. I am just so confused and I am still in shock. Please, I could use your help on this one.

tl;dr I can't have children on my own. Problem is, I already have a child (or at least I thought so), a daughter with my ex-wife. What should be my next move now?

gently caress, man.

All of the comments are saying "get a paternity test, kid might still be yours!" which, yea, but assuming it comes back negative...gently caress, man.

# ? Jul 21, 2017 20:41

Barudak: May 7, 2007

A Wizard of Goatse posted:

because it's no fun to gently caress with your clothes still on

But we dont have to take our clothes off to have a good time, oh no.

# ? Jul 21, 2017 20:42

Owlbear Camus: Jan 3, 2013; Maybe this guy that flies is just sort of passing through, you know?

WampaLord posted:

Yesterday, I[27M] found out that I can't have children on my own. Problem is, I already have one[9F] from a previous marriage. What do I do now?

gently caress, man.

All of the comments are saying "get a paternity test, kid might still be yours!" which, yea, but assuming it comes back negative...gently caress, man.

Goddamn.

Assuming he's being a good co-parent and has been in her life still, I hope for that little girl's sake he's strong enough to accept that that kid is still his daughter whatever else and not take it out on her. That's too long to just take a cuck mulligan on being a father to a human being.

:smith:

# ? Jul 21, 2017 20:44

Yawgmoth: Sep 10, 2003; This post is cursed!

Pac-Manioc Root posted:

Me[27F] and my friend[30M] played a horrible prank on my BF[27M][new]

Speaking of people who act like they're 15 despite being legally adults...

# ? Jul 21, 2017 20:48

goethe.cx: Apr 23, 2014

"Lol oh man it'd be really funny if my bf walked in and your dick was inside me lol but like, as a joke. Then you cum all over my face when he opens the door lmao we'll get him good"

# ? Jul 21, 2017 20:50

Adam Vegas: Apr 14, 2013

Pac-Manioc Root posted:

Me[27F] and my friend[30M] played a horrible prank on my BF[27M][new]

This one is amazing, and made even better by the fact I was imagining Eric Andre every time she wrote Eric.

# ? Jul 21, 2017 20:51

La Brea Carpet: Nov 22, 2007; I have no mouth and I must post

Pac-Manioc Root posted:

Me[27F] and my friend[30M] played a horrible prank on my BF[27M][new]

It's a prank I shout as the stranger's semen ropes onto my face and hair.

# ? Jul 21, 2017 20:53

DragQueenofAngmar: Dec 29, 2009; You shall not pass!

it's way loving worse if somehow she's telling the truth about it being a prank

"Oh no honey, I wasn't cheating on you, I just thought it would be hilaaaaarious to play on your insecurities and fears because I can"

# ? Jul 21, 2017 20:55

Owlbear Camus: Jan 3, 2013; Maybe this guy that flies is just sort of passing through, you know?

how a bout a short little pallette cleanser.

this seems like a real cool guy.

I (39m) teach Krav Maga my girlfriend (f39) of a few years is really overweight.Relationships

quote:

We live in a large city in Colorado, I am an Owner and Chief Krav Maga Instructor for a school in the city we live in. I am in superior condition physically as well as mentally.
My S/O is an amazing woman; smart, compassionate, shares my love of animals, but is quickly getting overweight to the point of being not only morbidly obese but just...gross. She comes to my institution and just embarrasses me. I do not want people to know that we are together. I do not know how to tell her that she is not attractive to me anymore.
She promised to lose weight but has put zero effort into it. I do not know how to approach her with this.

# ? Jul 21, 2017 20:59

Pvt.Scott: Feb 16, 2007; What God wants, God gets, God help us all

Pac-Manioc Root posted:

how a bout a short little pallette cleanser.

this seems like a real cool guy.

I (39m) teach Krav Maga my girlfriend (f39) of a few years is really overweight.Relationships

If you keep her in a headlock long enough, she'll start to lose weight naturally over the next year.

# ? Jul 21, 2017 21:01

A Wizard of Goatse: Dec 14, 2014

I, too, am in superior condition physically as well as mentally.

I [24M] am expected to help my friends [23M/24F] with something but when I told them no, the reaction seemed out of proportion, or did it?

quote:

So here goes. Coming up to my second year of uni in London this September. Live in a shared house with friends here in SE London, work part-time in a pizza shop. Studying IT degree. That's me.

The big problem is about two of my friends in this house share, it's eight people living together, my friend Colin expects me to come and be a witness, he's cooked up a plan to help his friend Marie stay in the country (Marie's an American who's living over here for university), despite the fact Colin is in a relationship with a girl called Danielle, who's in our social circle. Marie doesn't know Danielle, and Danielle doesn't know Marie... they don't hang out together in the same social circles, not even on social media.

I know Danielle, but don't really know her that well, she lives miles away in rural part of Cambridgeshire which is a long way from here in SE London.

Marie looks a bit like Ellie Goulding, only with bright red hair not blonde, and a bit taller (she's 6 ft 6 tall, yes, like a basketball player) and has this thick Texan accent (Marie isn't her real name, just a fake name for anonymity, like every other name on here).

Colin's been with Danielle for the past three years now and she wants to move in with him soon.

Colin said to me that Marie wants to stay here and not be kicked out after she graduates from uni (her wealthy American parents paid for uni here) so he thought getting a quickie marriage would be the solution.

Isn't this fraud or visa fraud?

Colin told me: "You WILL be a witness to me and Marie's wedding, get off your high horse, you're gonna do this, and that's final."

Colin isn't usually this forceful, he's quite quiet/tranquil and I wonder if he's got mental problems. This is odd behaviour from him.

I don't generally have problems with the other housemates, but it's only for the past six weeks he's gone on and on about this, claiming "Brexit means Marie can't move or stay here, and she wants to be here permanently and stay a US citizen too, I hate loving Amber Rudd, have you seen the bikini pics of her on this site?" (he showed me it on his iPad).

He also said "Martin Lewis said you need to screw the system, besides, you haven't lived if you didn't at least marry one girl who was your FWB in your lifetime, Marie's my FWB and she doesn't loving know Danielle and she won't ever."

No matter how many times I've told him no, no, no this past week, he's ignoring my wishes, and trying to steamroller me into submission, insisting "Gonna get my mum and dad to get this marriage sorted out, it's a way to gently caress with Theresa May, the horrible obese PM."

Marie is a nice girl and I don't really know why she's doing this, we get on OK.

I'm worrying about why he keeps pressuring me to do this, and the consequences that could happen if this does go ahead.

their wedding ceremony will consist of marie doing that thing where she pretends to put her hair back in a ponytail and then doesn't

A Wizard of Goatse fucked around with this message at 21:06 on Jul 21, 2017

# ? Jul 21, 2017 21:04

DragQueenofAngmar: Dec 29, 2009; You shall not pass!

whoa dude

I'm [18 M] looking for advice about girlfriend [17 F] 5 months, complicated relationship with mom, help with how to communicate and if I'm doing something wrong

quote:

I wouldn't consider myself the most moral person, so if you have advice either way on that, it's appreciated. Haven't had sex with the girlfriend yet, but planning to.

Had a sexual (not intercourse) experience with my mom, since starting to date this girl, and not sure what to do about it. I haven't told my girlfriend. It was initiated by my mom, and I stopped it partway through. Not sure if it's ok to say what it was on here.

I've gone back and forth on what to do and what to not do. I understand I "cheated" on my girlfriend. I'm not trying to get out of that. My mom has been wearing less clothes around the house, pretty much taken to some nudist thing, which is bullshit, but whatever. And my girlfriend is quite aware of all this. It hasn't scared her away yet. But I still have a bunch of concerns.

I'll try to narrow it down. What's a good way to approach the conversation with my girlfriend? Things have been rocking with her, and there was only that one incident with my mom, nothing else with anyone else, no other cheating, I'm not looking to end this, so I want to salvage it. But I know it might turn into a poo poo storm. My girlfriend really isn't the jealous type, but I wouldn't blame her for shipping out after she finds out.

What are the bases I need to cover as far as apologizing with my girlfriend? How do I make it up to her? How do I prove my fidelity? Or, this is an option, do I end things right away and not tell her about any of it? I don't want to, but I understand it might preserve a lot of the pain she might feel. If it's too much, it might be better to end it, preserve her dignity and feelings and everything.

And is there any way to not tell her? Ignore that question if it's at all against your morals. I've taken things slow with my girlfriend, and it's been enjoyable. My girlfriend actually has a decent relationship with my mom, and that might not be salvageable, and I'm ok with that. Any advice welcome.

tl;dr: Cheated on girlfriend, how to go about that conversation?

# ? Jul 21, 2017 21:06

LGD: Sep 25, 2004

Pac-Manioc Root posted:

One of the Redditors claims that WA is one of the few states that actually does actually allow representations made by the victim as a mitigating defense. I am sure Reddit knows their stuff when it comes to this.

if wikipedia is to be believed only a minority of states (22) actually had it as a strict liability crime in 2007 and United States v. Kantor (the Traci Lords case) established a precedent for "good faith" defenses in such cases

# ? Jul 21, 2017 21:07

Yawgmoth: Sep 10, 2003; This post is cursed!

Pac-Manioc Root posted:

how a bout a short little pallette cleanser.

this seems like a real cool guy.

I (39m) teach Krav Maga my girlfriend (f39) of a few years is really overweight.Relationships

Krav Maga is the MA douchebags get into so they can impress other douchebags with how hard and badass they are. I'm guessing his gf put on a whopping 10lbs and he's pissy about it.

# ? Jul 21, 2017 21:09

Clearly A Dog: Jun 14, 2017; woof o_o

DragQueenofAngmar posted:

whoa dude

I'm [18 M] looking for advice about girlfriend [17 F] 5 months, complicated relationship with mom, help with how to communicate and if I'm doing something wrong

What did he do.... Is this real?

# ? Jul 21, 2017 21:13

goethe.cx: Apr 23, 2014

Appropriate that the martial art with MAGA in it would be the one populated with assholes

# ? Jul 21, 2017 21:13

Incoherence: May 22, 2004; POYO AND TEAR

DragQueenofAngmar posted:

whoa dude

I'm [18 M] looking for advice about girlfriend [17 F] 5 months, complicated relationship with mom, help with how to communicate and if I'm doing something wrong

Please tell me the comments are all some variation of "wait, what the gently caress, why are you having an even remotely sexual encounter with your mother".

# ? Jul 21, 2017 21:14

goethe.cx: Apr 23, 2014

Clearly A Dog posted:

What did he do.... Is this real?

Maybe he's the reddit guy who broke both his arms

# ? Jul 21, 2017 21:14

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

Yawgmoth posted:

Krav Maga is the MA douchebags get into so they can impress other douchebags with how hard and badass they are. I'm guessing his gf put on a whopping 10lbs and he's pissy about it.

That's antisemitism bro

# ? Jul 21, 2017 21:14

Owlbear Camus: Jan 3, 2013; Maybe this guy that flies is just sort of passing through, you know?

Koyaanisgoatse posted:

Appropriate that the martial art with MAGA in it would be the one populated with assholes

i used that as a search term expecting it would hit dirt not thinking about the MA at all.

# ? Jul 21, 2017 21:15

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

Incoherence posted:

Please tell me the comments are all some variation of "wait, what the gently caress, why are you having an even remotely sexual encounter with your mother".

Thread is new so few comments but pretty much.

quote:

I believe you should move out asap, lest your mom turn you into a literal mother fucker.

# ? Jul 21, 2017 21:16

FuckenPunchOn: Nov 9, 2013

WampaLord posted:

Now all that being said, it's way funnier if you picture it like this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94pW1MHlc_I

We both know it went it more like:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DVX9dAj8e8w

# ? Jul 21, 2017 21:20

the bitcoin of weed: Nov 1, 2014

A Wizard of Goatse posted:

I, too, am in superior condition physically as well as mentally.

I [24M] am expected to help my friends [23M/24F] with something but when I told them no, the reaction seemed out of proportion, or did it?

their wedding ceremony will consist of marie doing that thing where she pretends to put her hair back in a ponytail and then doesn't

the other guy here sounds extremely sane

# ? Jul 21, 2017 21:26

ThePeavstenator: Dec 18, 2012; Establish the Buns

Incoherence posted:

Please tell me the comments are all some variation of "wait, what the gently caress, why are you having an even remotely sexual encounter with your mother".

abuse

# ? Jul 21, 2017 21:30

ArbitraryC: Jan 28, 2009; Pick a number, any number; Pillbug

Incoherence posted:

Please tell me the comments are all some variation of "wait, what the gently caress, why are you having an even remotely sexual encounter with your mother".

Isn't that phrasing it kind of accusatory? It's more like, why is your mom molesting you then going chilling nude in the household. Just cause he's the one with the penis doesn't mean he can't be abused.

# ? Jul 21, 2017 21:47

Owlbear Camus: Jan 3, 2013; Maybe this guy that flies is just sort of passing through, you know?

DragQueenofAngmar posted:

whoa dude

I'm [18 M] looking for advice about girlfriend [17 F] 5 months, complicated relationship with mom, help with how to communicate and if I'm doing something wrong

My dude, you do not come clean with something like this. You take this to your grave. :rip:

# ? Jul 21, 2017 21:48

A Wizard of Goatse: Dec 14, 2014

Pac-Manioc Root posted:

My dude, you do not come clean with something like this. You take this to your grave.

this is one of those two people can keep a secret if one of them's dead and the other one isn't your insane pervert mom kind of situations

# ? Jul 21, 2017 21:49

DragQueenofAngmar: Dec 29, 2009; You shall not pass!

one things for dang sure, and it's that, that kid got... oedipus wrecked :dealwithit:

# ? Jul 21, 2017 21:49

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

Jocasta the Nasteh

# ? Jul 21, 2017 21:53

Yawgmoth: Sep 10, 2003; This post is cursed!

DragQueenofAngmar posted:

one things for dang sure, and it's that, that kid got... oedipus wrecked

YYYYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH

# ? Jul 21, 2017 21:54

Incoherence: May 22, 2004; POYO AND TEAR

ArbitraryC posted:

Isn't that phrasing it kind of accusatory? It's more like, why is your mom molesting you then going chilling nude in the household. Just cause he's the one with the penis doesn't mean he can't be abused.

I didn't say it wasn't abuse (especially because it wouldn't surprise me if this was not the first time she'd done this). If I'd said "why did you gently caress your mother", that'd be accusatory and improperly imply he was responsible.

# ? Jul 21, 2017 21:55

webmeister: Jan 31, 2007; The answer is, mate, because I want to do you slowly. There has to be a bit of sport in this for all of us. In the psychological battle stakes, we are stripped down and ready to go. I want to see those ashen-faced performances; I want more of them. I want to be encouraged. I want to see you squirm.

A Wizard of Goatse posted:

I, too, am in superior condition physically as well as mentally.

I [24M] am expected to help my friends [23M/24F] with something but when I told them no, the reaction seemed out of proportion, or did it?

their wedding ceremony will consist of marie doing that thing where she pretends to put her hair back in a ponytail and then doesn't

This story reads like it was written by Grampa Simpson

# ? Jul 21, 2017 22:16

ArbitraryC: Jan 28, 2009; Pick a number, any number; Pillbug

Incoherence posted:

I didn't say it wasn't abuse (especially because it wouldn't surprise me if this was not the first time she'd done this). If I'd said "why did you gently caress your mother", that'd be accusatory and improperly imply he was responsible.

That's pretty much the same phrasing you used tho. Why are you doing x with your mothe as opposed to why is your mother doing x to you. I dunno it just came across kinda skeevy to me. It's chill if that wasn't your intent.

# ? Jul 21, 2017 22:23

Cumslut1895: Feb 18, 2015; by FactsAreUseless

hrvat posted:

I'm an idiot bitch

# ? Jul 21, 2017 22:57

Jim Barris: Aug 13, 2009

Anony Mouse posted:

How has this one not been posted yet? Less bickering and more ing please.

I (28f) was arrested for prostitution last week and I don't know how to tell my (32m) husband of 4 years

I know this was like four pages back but I just loving love how oblivious this woman is that she could just stumble into becoming a prostitutes secretary/ event coordinator / sort of a pimp with a lower share of the profits and think that somehow the police would not frown upon it.

# ? Jul 21, 2017 23:18

Nissin Cup Nudist: Sep 3, 2011; Sleep with one eye open

We're off to Gritty Gritty land

Me [F23] with bf [26M] just discovered he has a child [12F]

quote:

We've been dating for more than 2 years. Most of that time LDR but we've finally closed the gap. I just found out from his grandmother he had a kid when he was 14.

I know he's been through some rough stuff in his life. He's shared his relationship with that particular person to me. She was a drug addict, etc. they didn't stay together. And some stuff for other people he has dated. I didn't know he has a kid.

We've spoken before about kids and agreed never to have any mostly because of health issues for me. He doesn't have the greatest example for parents. His mom had his brother when she was 16. Idk if that even matters.

I've been up for a few hours reading posts with similar topics and most of them are break up with him and no update from the OP but I've literally just moved 1000+ miles to live with him. He's helped me through my tough poo poo (parents, etc.). I feel like this doesn't change our relationship much but reading other posts make me feel like it should.

His daughter is visiting his grandparents this weekend and I might ask him about who "that girl" is and see what his reaction is. He's never lied to me before but he gets quiet about certain subjects. I assume because they're hard topics and hes not ready to share.

I'm thinking about going to get birth control this weekend. I've not been on the pill but for other reasons (my parents are cray). I don't think I'm going to get pregnant and I think he's grown a lot since then obviously.

Last he's not really huge in the girls life but neither is her mom according to grandma. She's off getting married to a new guy while leaving her daughter to be cared by her grandparents. I think my bf at the time was too young to be a parent but tried to (acccording to grandma) and for some reason after he broke up with his gf because of drugs did not stay in his daughters life.

tldr LDR, just closed the gap, just found out he has a kid, somewhat ambivalent but I know I shouldn't be

I don't have much, but I really want to know how old the baby mamma is

# ? Jul 21, 2017 23:45

Barudak: May 7, 2007

Nissin Cup Nudist posted:

Me [F23] with bf [26M] just discovered he has a child [12F]

I don't have much, but I really want to know how old the baby mamma is

52.

# ? Jul 21, 2017 23:47

The_end: May 17, 2014

WampaLord posted:

Here's one that might get people up in arms:

Me [24 F] with my friend [24 M] of 5 years, we had our home invaded by a robber and he abandoned me. Is it unfair to feel resentful?

*whispering* "It's okay, I'm a coward too"

If he would of been heroic, would it of taken him out of the friend zone?

# ? Jul 21, 2017 23:48

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# ? May 30, 2024 15:16

A Wizard of Goatse: Dec 14, 2014

count the incredibly retarded decisions that lead to this thread existing:

[54 F] A loyal employee [41 F] played a "joke" on a long term intern. [21 M] He's seething and will not come back unless the employee is fired. My partner told me I need to find a way to keep both

quote:

Hey so I run a startup of about 15 people with an old partner of mine.

About an hour ago a conflict happened that I don't know how to deal with.

Our summer intern for the last three years is very well liked. Jake (fake names) has a lot of leeway and we let him choose one day a week to work from home. He chooses Friday, which isn't an issue because he still completes his work and is available on Skype. The only drawback is sometimes he forgets to send his hours in and doesn't get paid until Monday. He never usually cares because "hey that's my fault" as he says.

So today, Jake was in the office. He submitted his hours to Jenna, however when everyone started printing their checks, Jake didn't have his to print.

He went to Jenna (Jenna's desk is next to mine) to ask where his check was. She told him she scheduled it to be sent on Monday as a joke. Jake kept his cool for a while until he realized that she had actually sent his check when he was in the office, and he absolutely lost his poo poo.

According to Jake, he has a lease he's supposed to sign today and now he can't. He flipped out on Jenna, screamed at her and stormed out to "to go get a loan because payroll is playing with my loving money".

I reprimanded Jenna immediately. I told her that wasn't Acceptable, and she claimed she thought it was ok because of her joking relationship with Jake and his usual friendly nature.

I called Jake once he left, and he told me he couldn't talk because he was at the bank getting a loan. He called me back later and told me that he's not coming to our office BBQ tomorrow, and that if Jenna is there on Monday he's quitting immediately.

This is a huge problem. Jake isn't really just an intern. He handles a lot of major stuff for us because he's been here since the beginning. We are planning to offer Jake a full time offer at the end of the summer, and now that's up in smoke. Jenna, works for cheap and is really good at her job.

My partner (who was at a meeting during this) thinks there is a way to keep both. I disagree. I've never seen Jake this mad, and he hung up on me when I asked him if Jenna could speak to him to resolve it. Jenna has never made a mistake and those two were really close before today.

I kind of want to call Jake and tell him to take a few days to work from home so he can calm down, but I feel like he would see that as me taking her side.

My partner and I decided that we're going to pay the bank whatever Jake had to take out to sign his lease on Monday. We've texted Jake that, and his reply was "Thanks. I'm still quitting if she's there Monday. That's ridiculous. She can't arbitrarily decide to withhold my check for kicks."

Any idea how to handle this? We're a very close knit company so losing either would be a huge blow to morale.

Tl;dr woman who does payroll at my company decided to set our intern to be paid on Monday as joke. Our intern had to get a bank loan to sign his lease and we told him we'd cover that. He claims that he's quitting unless the woman that does payroll is fired. They were very close before this incident. My boss wants us to keep both because the intern has been with us for 3 years /we're going to offer full time and payroll has done a tremendous job. Any solutions?

taking this issue to r/relationships of all places is the free square

# ? Jul 21, 2017 23:49

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