PYF Stupid Lifehacks: Oh, so that's how you smoke a jay.

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > PYF Stupid Lifehacks: Oh, so that's how you smoke a jay.

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Teriyaki Hairpiece: Dec 29, 2006; I'm nae the voice o' the darkened thistle, but th' darkened thistle cannae bear the sight o' our Bonnie Prince Bernie nae mair.

There I brought it back for you.

# ? Aug 6, 2017 03:44

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# ? May 26, 2024 01:31

Facebook Aunt: Oct 4, 2008; wiggle wiggle

Teriyaki Hairpiece posted:

Lifehack: drink sweet tea till you develop adult onset diabetes, continue drinking it until you lose a foot, then enjoy driving around the electric carts at your favorite grocery store!

If someone insists on providing you with a prosthesis, attach it to your stump with bread tags and save.

Lifehack: just ride the carts anyway. There is literally nothing stopping you. You can even buy your own and have a tiny electric car you're allowed to ride indoors and on sidewalks. There is no qualification. No license. No insurance.

# ? Aug 6, 2017 03:52

empty sea: Jul 17, 2011; gonna saddle my seahorse and float out to the sunset

I never said I wanted sweet cornbread, I just wanted cornbread that didn't taste like dry napkins + being dry as gently caress. It's like choking down sandy, burnt, tasteless bread. It was horrid.

The best cornbread I ever made had a can of corn and sliced jalapenos mixed in, topped with cheddar. No added sugar but plenty moist because I didn't do that mysterious thing my friend's mother did that made it dry as gently caress.

# ? Aug 6, 2017 04:03

Teriyaki Hairpiece: Dec 29, 2006; I'm nae the voice o' the darkened thistle, but th' darkened thistle cannae bear the sight o' our Bonnie Prince Bernie nae mair.

I'm saying cornbread that tastes like dry napkins, which is dry as gently caress, which is like sandy, burnt, tasteless bread, is ACTUAL cornbread. Cheese?? Jalapenos??? Bullshit, and probably Yankee bullshit to boot.

# ? Aug 6, 2017 04:40

Dareon: Apr 6, 2009; by vyelkin

Teriyaki Hairpiece posted:

I'm saying cornbread that tastes like dry napkins, which is dry as gently caress, which is like sandy, burnt, tasteless bread, is ACTUAL cornbread. Cheese?? Jalapenos??? Bullshit, and probably Yankee bullshit to boot.

I mean if you want to waste time cooking something literally inedible, more power to you, but we're busy lifehackers here and Enrique only has so many hours in the day.

# ? Aug 6, 2017 05:08

Teriyaki Hairpiece: Dec 29, 2006; I'm nae the voice o' the darkened thistle, but th' darkened thistle cannae bear the sight o' our Bonnie Prince Bernie nae mair.

Dareon posted:

I mean if you want to waste time cooking something literally inedible, more power to you, but we're busy lifehackers here and Enrique only has so many hours in the day.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trencher_(tableware)

# ? Aug 6, 2017 06:15

Montague Tigg: Mar 23, 2008; Previously, on "Ronnie Likes Data":

cornbread lifehack: throw an entire cob in there, who gives a poo poo

tea lifehack: throw a bucket of sugar in there, who gives a poo poo

this thread lifehack: throw a page of derail in there, who gives a poo poo

# ? Aug 6, 2017 06:54

Mustached Demon: Nov 12, 2016

Teriyaki Hairpiece posted:

I'm saying cornbread that tastes like dry napkins, which is dry as gently caress, which is like sandy, burnt, tasteless bread, is ACTUAL cornbread. Cheese?? Jalapenos??? Bullshit, and probably Yankee bullshit to boot.

Good poo poo to make stuffing with too.

# ? Aug 6, 2017 09:33

sebzilla: Mar 17, 2009; Kid's blasting everything in sight with that new-fangled musket.

Put teabag in mug, pour boiling water into mug, remove teabag after a couple of minutes, add milk, drink. Maybe sugar if it's been a rough day. Tea is easy.

# ? Aug 6, 2017 09:40

Scientastic: Mar 1, 2010; TRULY scientastic.
🔬🍒

rydiafan posted:

My apologies for posting a lifehack in this, the talk about tea forever thread.

Does this count as a lifehack, in that it looks like an actually useful tip?

# ? Aug 6, 2017 09:41

Turtlicious: Sep 17, 2012; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

on the North / South thing, what the gently caress is up with people who leave beans out of their chili? It's Chili. It's made with beans I mean seriously.

# ? Aug 6, 2017 09:50

Screaming Idiot: Nov 26, 2007; JUST POSTING WHILE JERKIN' MY GHERKIN SITTIN' IN A PERKINS!

BEATS SELLING MERKINS.

Turtlicious posted:

on the North / South thing, what the gently caress is up with people who leave beans out of their chili? It's Chili. It's made with beans I mean seriously.

Beans are what you use when you can't kill more animals for your delicious drinkable spicy meat.

# ? Aug 6, 2017 09:52

Screaming Idiot: Nov 26, 2007; JUST POSTING WHILE JERKIN' MY GHERKIN SITTIN' IN A PERKINS!

BEATS SELLING MERKINS.

LIFEHACK: DRINK YOUR MEAT, LIQUEFY ANIMALS, ABSORB THEM WITHOUT CHEWING, MAKE THE MEAT A PART OF YOU, gently caress BEANS, EAT MORE COWS CHICKENS HORSES DOGS KITTENS OTHER HUMANS EAT THE loving MEAT YOU loving BASTARDS

# ? Aug 6, 2017 09:53

Zipperelli.: Apr 3, 2011; Nap Ghost

Screaming Idiot posted:

LIFEHACK: DRINK YOUR MEAT, LIQUEFY ANIMALS, ABSORB THEM WITHOUT CHEWING, MAKE THE MEAT A PART OF YOU, gently caress BEANS, EAT MORE COWS CHICKENS HORSES DOGS KITTENS OTHER HUMANS EAT THE loving MEAT YOU loving BASTARDS

username/post combo.

# ? Aug 6, 2017 10:27

Radio Help: Mar 22, 2007; ^Chip_Chip_?

empty sea posted:

I believe people can't cook rice. I still remember watching my friend cook rice for the first time. Apparently it was common in her household to not measure anything or even attempt to eyeball it so they just poured a bunch of rice and water in a pot and after 15 minutes strained the excess water out. Like loving savages.

Fwiw I've been a professional cook for 11+ years and even though I can cook you an extremely expensive steak exactly the way you want it while also cooking 15 other things simultaneously, I have a bizarrely hard time cooking rice on a range. I know exactly how to do it, I just... can't? It's loving weird. So yeah, Zojirushi rice cookers are amazing and worth the money and you should buy one.

# ? Aug 6, 2017 11:30

aardvaard: Mar 4, 2013; you belong in the bog of eternal stench

Turtlicious posted:

on the North / South thing, what the gently caress is up with people who leave beans out of their chili? It's Chili. It's made with beans I mean seriously.

*extremely bad comedian voice* and how about that ketchup on hot dogs, am i right?

# ? Aug 6, 2017 14:36

pgroce: Oct 24, 2002

Teriyaki Hairpiece posted:

I'm saying cornbread that tastes like dry napkins, which is dry as gently caress, which is like sandy, burnt, tasteless bread, is ACTUAL cornbread. Cheese?? Jalapenos??? Bullshit, and probably Yankee bullshit to boot.

"Real" (unsweetened) cornbread is moist and sweet and awesome. It also isn't made with yellow cornmeal. "Real" cornbread made with yellow cornmeal is moist and sweet and awesome. It's made with sugar. And it isn't Northern; it's black.

Southerners didn't put sugar in their cornbread traditionally because sugar was expensive, and stone ground cornmeal (which was the standard way of grinding meal until the 30s) had enough sweetness from the corn germ in it to be quite tasty.

Around the turn of the (20th) century roller mills showed up, mass producing cheaper cornmeal with a longer shelf life...because it didn't contain the corn germ. By the end of the Depression, only the roller ground cornmeal was affordable for the Southern poor (including nearly all black Southerners, meaning at that time most black Americans). Meanwhile, sugar was becoming much cheaper, and could replace both the sweetness and some of the texture of the germ in the stone ground corn.

So black folks pretty much exclusively made sweet cornbread with crappy yellow cornmeal. White folks who could afford it made traditional cornbread with stone ground white cornmeal. Poor white folks mostly kept on eating unsweet cornbread, whether they could get white cornmeal or not. Presumably they were sharing recipes with their grandparents (who cooked with white cornmeal) and not with the black folks who'd non-stupidly lifehacked cornbread.

Unsweetened cornbread made with stone ground white cornmeal in an iron skillet is lightly sweetened, moist and delicious. Unsweetened yellow cornbread is fine for stuffing or for eating soaked in milk/buttermilk (lifehack!), but lets not kid ourselves, adding sugar is the best way to make cornbread with yellow cornmeal, it just never caught on with white Southerners. For some reason.

http://www.charlotteobserver.com/living/food-drink/article68763427.html

http://www.seriouseats.com/2014/08/why-southern-cornbread-shouldnt-have-sugar.html

# ? Aug 6, 2017 15:34

Randaconda: Jul 3, 2014; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

pgroce posted:

"Real" (unsweetened) cornbread is moist and sweet and awesome. It also isn't made with yellow cornmeal. "Real" cornbread made with yellow cornmeal is moist and sweet and awesome. It's made with sugar. And it isn't Northern; it's black.

Southerners didn't put sugar in their cornbread traditionally because sugar was expensive, and stone ground cornmeal (which was the standard way of grinding meal until the 30s) had enough sweetness from the corn germ in it to be quite tasty.

Around the turn of the (20th) century roller mills showed up, mass producing cheaper cornmeal with a longer shelf life...because it didn't contain the corn germ. By the end of the Depression, only the roller ground cornmeal was affordable for the Southern poor (including nearly all black Southerners, meaning at that time most black Americans). Meanwhile, sugar was becoming much cheaper, and could replace both the sweetness and some of the texture of the germ in the stone ground corn.

So black folks pretty much exclusively made sweet cornbread with crappy yellow cornmeal. White folks who could afford it made traditional cornbread with stone ground white cornmeal. Poor white folks mostly kept on eating unsweet cornbread, whether they could get white cornmeal or not. Presumably they were sharing recipes with their grandparents (who cooked with white cornmeal) and not with the black folks who'd non-stupidly lifehacked cornbread.

Unsweetened cornbread made with stone ground white cornmeal in an iron skillet is lightly sweetened, moist and delicious. Unsweetened yellow cornbread is fine for stuffing or for eating soaked in milk/buttermilk (lifehack!), but lets not kid ourselves, adding sugar is the best way to make cornbread with yellow cornmeal, it just never caught on with white Southerners. For some reason.

http://www.charlotteobserver.com/living/food-drink/article68763427.html

http://www.seriouseats.com/2014/08/why-southern-cornbread-shouldnt-have-sugar.html

counterpoint: sweet cornbread is gross. :colbert:

# ? Aug 6, 2017 15:51

TheMaskedUgly: Sep 21, 2008; Let's play a different game.

Scientastic posted:

Does this count as a lifehack, in that it looks like an actually useful tip?

Yeah, I actually used this one once and it worked exactly as intended. Then I used some bread clips as counter weights to line it up horizontally.

# ? Aug 6, 2017 16:03

Sunswipe: Feb 5, 2016; by Fluffdaddy

Facebook Aunt posted:

Lifehack: just ride the carts anyway. There is literally nothing stopping you. You can even buy your own and have a tiny electric car you're allowed to ride indoors and on sidewalks. There is no qualification. No license. No insurance.

In the UK, you're supposed to only use a mobility scooter if you "have trouble walking because of an injury, physical disability or medical condition."  Link. As a practical matter, I've never heard of anyone actually being challenged on this, although you do need to provide a medical reason to get VAT exemption.

Scientastic posted:

Does this count as a lifehack, in that it looks like an actually useful tip?

When it started, I thought it would be some insane "stick a fork in the wall and hang a picture from it like a animal, you piece of poo poo" thing, but that looks like a good tip.

# ? Aug 6, 2017 16:21

Karate Bastard: Jul 31, 2007; Soiled Meat

I have...

A TEA MAKER!!!!!

IT PERCOLATES WATER THROUGH TEA LEAVES. GAHASAAAAAA

# ? Aug 6, 2017 16:49

Karate Bastard: Jul 31, 2007; Soiled Meat

Because I cannot operate a tea bag. When I do I start hacking at the speed of sound. I get that vile rear end black chai and steep that poo poo for 45min or forever until it tastes like capsaicin with water and fennel it's not a good a good time let me tell you.

# ? Aug 6, 2017 16:57

3D Megadoodoo: Nov 25, 2010

Karate Bastard posted:

I have...

A TEA MAKER!!!!!

IT PERCOLATES WATER THROUGH TEA LEAVES. GAHASAAAAAA

Tea bags are the life hack in tea-making by the way.

# ? Aug 6, 2017 17:10

muscles like this!: Jan 17, 2005

Sunswipe posted:

In the UK, you're supposed to only use a mobility scooter if you "have trouble walking because of an injury, physical disability or medical condition."  Link. As a practical matter, I've never heard of anyone actually being challenged on this, although you do need to provide a medical reason to get VAT exemption.

There was a period of time where you saw more mobility scooters around in America because it was a common scam to run on Medicare. Medicare does a quick payout and they don't have a lot of time to investigate claims. So crooked medical retailers would find people, convince them they could get a scooter/wheelchair at no cost, send them to a crooked doctor in on the scam and then charge Medicare an absurd amount over normal retail price.

# ? Aug 6, 2017 18:57

LITERALLY A BIRD: Sep 27, 2008; I knew you were trouble
when you flew in

Karate Bastard posted:

Because I cannot operate a tea bag. When I do I start hacking at the speed of sound. I get that vile rear end black chai and steep that poo poo for 45min or forever until it tastes like capsaicin with water and fennel it's not a good a good time let me tell you.

EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A TEABAG INTO THE POT. IT�S VILE-rear end BLACK CHAI AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I START STEEPING THE TEA ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, KARATE BASTARD. I DO EVERY MOVE AND I DO EVERY MOVE HARD. MAKIN WHOOSHING SOUNDS WHEN I SLAM DOWN SOME MILK AND SUGAR OR EVEN WHEN I MESS UP TECHNIQUE. NOT MANY CAN SAY THEY USED THE GALAXYS MOST DANGEROUS LIFEHACK. I CAN. I SAY IT AND I SAY IT OUTLOUD EVERYDAY TO PEOPLE IN MY FAVORITE THREAD AND ALL THEY DO IS PROVE PEOPLE ON SA CAN STILL BE IMMATURE JEKRS. AND IVE LEARNED ALL THE HACKS AND IVE LEARNED HOW TO MAKE MYSELF AND MY APARTMENT LESS LONELY BY SHOUTING EM ALL. 45 MINUTES INCLUDING WIND DOWN EVERY MORNIng

# ? Aug 6, 2017 19:15

Karate Bastard: Jul 31, 2007; Soiled Meat

Trouble is you have to pour the water twice, one pre and one post slam, and then you have to rinse your fist under the cold tap for the longest drat time every morning I swear

# ? Aug 6, 2017 19:24

Randaconda: Jul 3, 2014; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

LITERALLY A BIRD posted:

EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A TEABAG INTO THE POT. IT�S VILE-rear end BLACK CHAI AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I START STEEPING THE TEA ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, KARATE BASTARD. I DO EVERY MOVE AND I DO EVERY MOVE HARD. MAKIN WHOOSHING SOUNDS WHEN I SLAM DOWN SOME MILK AND SUGAR OR EVEN WHEN I MESS UP TECHNIQUE. NOT MANY CAN SAY THEY USED THE GALAXYS MOST DANGEROUS LIFEHACK. I CAN. I SAY IT AND I SAY IT OUTLOUD EVERYDAY TO PEOPLE IN MY FAVORITE THREAD AND ALL THEY DO IS PROVE PEOPLE ON SA CAN STILL BE IMMATURE JEKRS. AND IVE LEARNED ALL THE HACKS AND IVE LEARNED HOW TO MAKE MYSELF AND MY APARTMENT LESS LONELY BY SHOUTING EM ALL. 45 MINUTES INCLUDING WIND DOWN EVERY MORNIng

Woah, I may be immature, and a jerk, but I'm not a commie.

# ? Aug 6, 2017 19:25

Samizdata: May 14, 2007

Randaconda posted:

counterpoint: sweet cornbread is gross.

Counterpoint: It depends on the amount of sugar added. I live in corn country and good corn is slightly sweet naturally. When I cook it, I do NOT add extra sugar.

:c00lbert:

# ? Aug 6, 2017 22:32

Samizdata: May 14, 2007

LITERALLY A BIRD posted:

EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A TEABAG INTO THE POT. IT�S VILE-rear end BLACK CHAI AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I START STEEPING THE TEA ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, KARATE BASTARD. I DO EVERY MOVE AND I DO EVERY MOVE HARD. MAKIN WHOOSHING SOUNDS WHEN I SLAM DOWN SOME MILK AND SUGAR OR EVEN WHEN I MESS UP TECHNIQUE. NOT MANY CAN SAY THEY USED THE GALAXYS MOST DANGEROUS LIFEHACK. I CAN. I SAY IT AND I SAY IT OUTLOUD EVERYDAY TO PEOPLE IN MY FAVORITE THREAD AND ALL THEY DO IS PROVE PEOPLE ON SA CAN STILL BE IMMATURE JEKRS. AND IVE LEARNED ALL THE HACKS AND IVE LEARNED HOW TO MAKE MYSELF AND MY APARTMENT LESS LONELY BY SHOUTING EM ALL. 45 MINUTES INCLUDING WIND DOWN EVERY MORNIng

# ? Aug 6, 2017 22:35

Sunswipe: Feb 5, 2016; by Fluffdaddy

muscles like this! posted:

There was a period of time where you saw more mobility scooters around in America because it was a common scam to run on Medicare. Medicare does a quick payout and they don't have a lot of time to investigate claims. So crooked medical retailers would find people, convince them they could get a scooter/wheelchair at no cost, send them to a crooked doctor in on the scam and then charge Medicare an absurd amount over normal retail price.

Well gently caress those people in the ear with a corn cob. Been using a scooter for about a year now, after my chronic fatigue got to the point that what should be a couple of minute walk to the shop became tiring agony, and I just love the looks (and rumours from one lovely neighbour) that say "What are you using that for? I bet you're just lazy."

I could go on, but that rant probably belongs in another thread.

# ? Aug 6, 2017 22:36

Wasabi the J: Jan 23, 2008; MOM WAS RIGHT

Randaconda posted:

counterpoint: sweet cornbread is gross.

I will loving fite u.

I'm from Texas.

# ? Aug 6, 2017 22:51

Facebook Aunt: Oct 4, 2008; wiggle wiggle

Sunswipe posted:

In the UK, you're supposed to only use a mobility scooter if you "have trouble walking because of an injury, physical disability or medical condition."  Link. As a practical matter, I've never heard of anyone actually being challenged on this, although you do need to provide a medical reason to get VAT exemption.

Sorry for your lack of FREEDOM.

Around here if you can afford to buy one you can use it, you only need to prove you're genuinely disabled if you want to get the government to help pay for it. I can't imagine how awkward it would be for a cop to be interrogating people about their medical history.

Occasionally you'll see a few parked outside a bar. Apparently drunks who have had their driver's license revoked but who don't want to walk to the bar like animals will buy 'em. #drunkhacks

# ? Aug 6, 2017 23:06

bongwizzard: May 19, 2005; Then one day I meet a man,
He came to me and said,
"Hard work good and hard work fine,
but first take care of head"; Grimey Drawer

Facebook Aunt posted:

Occasionally you'll see a few parked outside a bar. Apparently drunks who have had their driver's license revoked but who don't want to walk to the bar like animals will buy 'em. #drunkhacks

A month or so ago I was at this largish suburban park fishing at the lake there. As I was getting my gear sorted out this old guy pulls up to the boat ramp with a riding lawn mower on a little trailer. He unloads it and starts piling gear onto it. As I looked closer I saw that the mower deck had been removed and dude had added a bunch of rod holders and storage boxes to it.

He gets it loaded and takes off around the lake to one of the better fishing spots. I saw him like 30 min later having a chat with the park service guys who obviously came around to check him out. No idea what was going on but he showed them something in his wallet and they left him alone. I guess I have never seen an offroad mobility scooter, so maybe that is the workaround.

# ? Aug 6, 2017 23:59

Randaconda: Jul 3, 2014; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Probably just showed his fishing license.

# ? Aug 7, 2017 00:03

bongwizzard: May 19, 2005; Then one day I meet a man,
He came to me and said,
"Hard work good and hard work fine,
but first take care of head"; Grimey Drawer

Randaconda posted:

Probably just showed his fishing license.

The park, like every one around here, has very clear signs about gas powered vehicles, so who knows. What I don't get is how he kept it running, usually lawnmower need to run for a while to keep the battery charged, we killed ours in a single afternoon of drunken loving around driving it to and from our house over to a party at our neighbors.

# ? Aug 7, 2017 00:53

Fart.Bleed.Repeat.: Sep 29, 2001

bongwizzard posted:

A month or so ago I was at this largish suburban park fishing at the lake there. As I was getting my gear sorted out this old guy pulls up to the boat ramp with a riding lawn mower on a little trailer. He unloads it and starts piling gear onto it. As I looked closer I saw that the mower deck had been removed and dude had added a bunch of rod holders and storage boxes to it.

He gets it loaded and takes off around the lake to one of the better fishing spots. I saw him like 30 min later having a chat with the park service guys who obviously came around to check him out. No idea what was going on but he showed them something in his wallet and they left him alone. I guess I have never seen an offroad mobility scooter, so maybe that is the workaround.

Offroad mobility scooter? You might not remember the HoveRound from the mid 90s

# ? Aug 7, 2017 01:23

Randaconda: Jul 3, 2014; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Fart.Bleed.Repeat. posted:

Offroad mobility scooter? You might not remember the HoveRound from the mid 90s

I still get the theme song stuck in my head, after all these years. :negative:

# ? Aug 7, 2017 02:07

aardvaard: Mar 4, 2013; you belong in the bog of eternal stench

Fart.Bleed.Repeat. posted:

Offroad mobility scooter? You might not remember the HoveRound from the mid 90s

i can't see this without thinking about how the segway guy died

# ? Aug 7, 2017 02:51

Teriyaki Hairpiece: Dec 29, 2006; I'm nae the voice o' the darkened thistle, but th' darkened thistle cannae bear the sight o' our Bonnie Prince Bernie nae mair.

Wasabi the J posted:

I will loving fite u.

I'm from Texas.

Texas is not the South, it's its own thing.

# ? Aug 7, 2017 04:32

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# ? May 26, 2024 01:31

Platystemon: Feb 13, 2012; BREADS

Teriyaki Hairpiece posted:

Texas is not the South, it's its own thing.

Texas seceded from two different countries on two separate occasions over the right to own slaves.

Texas is the most Southern place there is.

# ? Aug 7, 2017 04:50

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > PYF Stupid Lifehacks: Oh, so that's how you smoke a jay.

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