Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

«‹›572 »

DandyLion: Jun 24, 2010; disrespectul Deciever

Solice Kirsk posted:

Same. I've had a bunch of them (be in a band is the best advice I can give to anyone from 17-25), and it's never as good as you think it will be. One on one has always been the best. For me at least.

But for those of us late middle aged folk still looking to loose our virginity, threesome would be twice as effective right?

# ? Oct 31, 2017 20:33

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 10, 2024 05:13

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Amy Pole Her posted:

Lol not even close but whatever keeps you outta TFF I�m all for

Glad you're enjoying my thread; let me know when you get caught up

Have you passed the point when the Patriots successfully completed a miracle come-from-behind victory in Super Bowl 51 after trailing by 25 late in the third quarter? Man that was a good game

# ? Oct 31, 2017 20:41

got any sevens: Feb 9, 2013; by Cyrano4747

Doesnt count if the refs did the heavy lifting

# ? Oct 31, 2017 20:42

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Everybody always complains about the refs, but at the end of the day who gets to hold aloft the shiny trophy in SA forums user Loquacius' avatar image? Not them, that's for sure

I wonder if Amy Pole Her is the guy who spent $40 unsuccessfully trying to red-text me in one day :allears:

# ? Oct 31, 2017 20:46

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

Mycroft Holmes posted:

idgi

I don't either so I assume it's a reference to some dumb nerd poo poo

# ? Oct 31, 2017 21:13

SniperWoreConverse: Mar 20, 2010; Gun Saliva

Space Camp fuckup posted:

Haha eat poo poo Jastiger

Solice Kirsk posted:

The end of an era.

DandyLion posted:

Sic Transit Gloria Mundi

Solice Kirsk posted:

*Jastiger claimed this was a joke

SniperWoreConverse fucked around with this message at 21:44 on Oct 31, 2017

# ? Oct 31, 2017 21:40

limp_cheese: Sep 10, 2007; Nothing to see here. Move along.

Patriots fans are just the worst.

Now let me tell you why the Green Bay Packers are great...

# ? Oct 31, 2017 21:46

DivineCoffeeBinge: Mar 3, 2011; Spider-Man's Amazing Construction Company

limp_cheese posted:

Patriots fans are just the worst.

Now let me tell you why the Green Bay Packers are great...

Is it because you can spend $250 to buy a share* of the team?

* "share" does not include any degree of ownership, rights, voting, input into team operations, or any privileges besides the privilege of having given money to a football team that does not care about you at all

# ? Oct 31, 2017 21:54

maskenfreiheit: Dec 30, 2004

edit: wrong thread

# ? Oct 31, 2017 22:07

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

The last feshpost got kind of overshadowed by Jastiger getting perma'd so here's another one. WARNING: it is long

quote:

This is a long story. It involves grave robbery and desecrating a corpse.

My stepfather was a huge rear end in a top hat. He seemed cool whilde dating my mother after our real father died, but after they got married all that changed. Literally 100% of that was just a lie, he had only been nice to try and get her to go through with getting married. I was 16 at the time and my sisters were 14 and 11 respectively. He forced mother to quit her job to "raise us right" even though due to our father's passing me and the oldest sister at least were quite independent. He tried to get me to quit my job to go to church because I was working on weekends, and when that didn't happen he emotionally abused my mother into signing my bank account into his name and took my money. Justified it by saying he was donating it to church but he was lying. He liked to buy swimsuits for my sisters that were way more revealing than they preferred and take them to the pool so he could take "family pictures" (as he called them), he had probably hundreds on his computer. Mother was obviously terrified of his threats to cut off financial support and maybe hurt her so she didn't help my sisters, she insisted to them that this was innocent and they should just do little things like that to keep him happy.

A year later my youngest sister was 12 and told our mother he was making her talk on IRC to men online, and that he had been sharing "family pictures" with them and some of the things they were saying made her feel uncomfortable. My other sister corroborated the story, and for the first time he became physically violent at home. He beat my mother badly and threatened to drain the bank account and throw her out. I was 17 and thinking about the Air Force after graduation since I wanted to be a mechanic, so I was pretty well built out and kept him from going after my sisters also while they called 911.

Essentially this ends with nothing bad ever happening to him. He's charged with domestic violence, and since he wasn't a habitual offender he is offered a plea bargain with no jail time. He is investigated as a sexual predator, and his lawyer literally uses the term "family pictures" to describe the pictures of my sisters, and the prosecutor doesn't think any of this technically crosses the line into pornography. My mother does well in the divorce and gets sole custody of us thanks to three very strong statements from myself and my sisters to the judge. I might have coached my sisters a little bit but they didn't even have to lie in court to say what an rear end in a top hat stepfather was.

Three years later, I'm doing tire and oil changes in an auto shop instead of joining the Air Force like I'd planned to support my sisters since mother is too sick to work. Stepfather has never paid support on time. A year after mother passes he drives at 65 mph into an overpass abutment, and is in the hospital and not going to make it. He requests that I visit him, which I do in the company of my mother's lawyer. I am hoping for some kind of resolution, but instead he blames me and mother for all his problems and says that even over his dead body he is never going to pay the money he owes to support us. Then he says a whole bunch of awful things about what he's done to my sisters, just to try and hurt me since much of that is impossible, and fortunately mother's lawyer is there to hold my shoulder so I don't kill him right there.

After he dies, mother's lawyer helps us sue his estate. A suicide note is discovered in his possession, where he claims my family has spent decades helping the FBI frame him for pedophilia, and that my sisters are professional prostitutes working for the government to entrap him (none of this is true). He said that we would never get our hands on his money. In discovery, our lawyer finds that he liquidated most of his assets and the money vanished. A little investigation and a court order later reveals that he spent at least 3/4 of that on a solid gold ingot bought online, value of about $14,000, location unknown.

My sisters and I talk about this and come up with this wild fantasy that he had his gold delivered to him by his lawyer in the hospital, and that he swallowed it before dying. He did tell me from his deathbead that he would take his money to the grave before letting us get it. I lie to his pastor and say that stepfather's dying wish was to reconcile with us and we are allowed to attend the funeral as his next of kin.

We asked for an early private viewing before the event, and while myself and my older sister distract the pastor, my youngest sister sneaks into the chapel. With my largest hunting knife in her purse. As planned. She knows how to use a knife to butcher a wild turkey and maybe I've taught her a few more things. In a minute, she's cut stepfather's worthless corpse open to the stomach cavity, spilling embalming fluid into the coffin. She comes out splattered in fluid, openly holding her dripping knife, looking shellshocked. Then drops the knife, collapses into the stunned pastor's arms, and starts sobbing, about the horrible things he did to her and how she got revenge.

It was an act. My youngest sister is a great actor. I'm proud of her. I'm also proud of how, after opening his stomach, she stabbed out his eyes, cut his throat, and did "that thing to his balls" to create a mostly fictional psychosexual motive for her actions. Me and my older sister pretend to be surprised, stunned, understanding, and ultimately collaborative of her account of abuse. Our lawyer, who heard enough of stepfather's last words to me lashing out at my sisters, unwittingly confirms just enough to add a bit of plausibility. Being a minor, and never suspecting that grave robbery was our motivation, the prosecutor declines to press charges for desecrating a corpse.

And the gold? It wasn't in his stomach. As I said, that was a fantasy, a coping fiction, created by a group of kids desperate to get what we were owed from a monster that we hated. It was in his safe deposit box at the bank, and all it took to get it out was a court order, not a hunting knife. My sister is married now. Her husband, my brother in law, whom I highly approve of, knows part, but not all, of this story. I let my sister keep my hunting knife, and she usually hangs it above their mantle. The end.

A decent story

At first I was like "this is really long, should I actually read it?" and then when I was highlighting it to C&P I saw the first two sentences of the last paragraph and was like "ok yeah I'm gonna read it"

# ? Oct 31, 2017 22:14

blarzgh: Apr 14, 2009; SNITCHIN' RANDY; Grimey Drawer

drat fine fesh, drat fine!

# ? Oct 31, 2017 22:18

kalel: Jun 19, 2012

Mycroft Holmes posted:

idgi

bradzilla posted:

I don't either so I assume it's a reference to some dumb nerd poo poo

jastiger only ever edited his posts to go back and claim his dog poo poo opinions were "just a joke you guys"

# ? Oct 31, 2017 22:20

HerStuddMuffin: Aug 10, 2014; YOSPOS

That was a great read. The kind of well written and entertaining confession where I don�t even care if it�s real or not.

# ? Oct 31, 2017 22:27

omnibobb: Dec 3, 2005; Title text'd

SciFiDownBeat posted:

jastiger only ever edited his posts to go back and claim his dog poo poo opinions were "just a joke you guys"

The full joke is the released transcript of some weeaboo pedophile getting interviewed by the cops or something.

The transcript is something like:

"On July 7, 2012, you posted on facebook that nothing feels better than cumming in a 3 year old"

Thad claimed this was a joke.

edit: https://imgur.com/a/xr2IH here's the transcript

# ? Oct 31, 2017 22:35

SniperWoreConverse: Mar 20, 2010; Gun Saliva

Good gently caress that guy anyway

# ? Oct 31, 2017 22:35

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

SciFiDownBeat posted:

jastiger only ever edited his posts to go back and claim his dog poo poo opinions were "just a joke you guys"

Not quite! There was that one guy that always posted about having CP on Facebook and stuff and got caught by the FBI and during his trial or interrogation or something he kept replying to everything as "It was a joke" but he had gigs and gigs of child porn on his computer/flash drives/phone. I'd link it, but I'm not going to google "pedophile claims it was all a joke" at work.

edit:

omnibobb posted:

The full joke is the released transcript of some weeaboo pedophile getting interviewed by the cops or something.

The transcript is something like:

"On July 7, 2012, you posted on facebook that nothing feels better than cumming in a 3 year old"

Thad claimed this was a joke.

edit: https://imgur.com/a/xr2IH here's the transcript

Yeah, that.

# ? Oct 31, 2017 22:46

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

Oh, right. Seems I struck all memory of reading that transcript out of my head

# ? Oct 31, 2017 22:55

Nooner: Mar 26, 2011; AN A+ OPSTER (:

lena dunham and iowa are good the south is bad.

there youve now read every jagister post ever lol

# ? Oct 31, 2017 23:06

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

Oh he had a perma-winning performance that you left out

# ? Oct 31, 2017 23:09

LethalGeek: Nov 4, 2009

Solice Kirsk posted:

Same. I've had a bunch of them (be in a band is the best advice I can give to anyone from 17-25), and it's never as good as you think it will be. One on one has always been the best. For me at least.

I wouldn't say never, but for the most part the effort:payoff ratio is not worth it. And yes 3 guys is cheating since someone asked.

# ? Oct 31, 2017 23:16

Uncle Wemus: Mar 4, 2004

Now that jastiger is dead it's safe to make Lena Dunham threads

# ? Oct 31, 2017 23:20

got any sevens: Feb 9, 2013; by Cyrano4747

Uncle Wemus posted:

Now that jastiger is dead it's safe to make Lena Dunham threads

She's some kind of lame comedienne? I've never watched her

# ? Oct 31, 2017 23:52

maskenfreiheit: Dec 30, 2004

got any sevens posted:

She's some kind of lame comedienne? I've never watched her

she's not good, but she made feminism part of her act so MRA types have a disproportionate amount of vitrol for her versus, say, carrot top

# ? Oct 31, 2017 23:59

Crab Dad: Dec 28, 2002; behold i have tempered and refined thee, but not as silver; as CRAB

maskenfreiheit posted:

she's not good, but she made feminism part of her act so MRA types have a disproportionate amount of vitrol for her versus, say, carrot top

She�s also pretty AUG about her relationship with her sister.

# ? Nov 1, 2017 00:14

maskenfreiheit: Dec 30, 2004

LingcodKilla posted:

She�s also pretty AUG about her relationship with her sister.

oh yeah, she's the sisterfucker

# ? Nov 1, 2017 00:35

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

She has both the talent and physical appearance of a sack of potatoes.

# ? Nov 1, 2017 00:37

got any sevens: Feb 9, 2013; by Cyrano4747

I could peel a potato for hours

# ? Nov 1, 2017 00:42

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

I have no love for Lena Dunham, but pretending to be wildly attracted to her is a pretty good trolling method. It was probably the least obnoxious gimmick he had.

# ? Nov 1, 2017 00:46

Crab Dad: Dec 28, 2002; behold i have tempered and refined thee, but not as silver; as CRAB

loquacius posted:

I have no love for Lena Dunham, but pretending to be wildly attracted to her is a pretty good trolling method. It was probably the least obnoxious gimmick he had.

She�s probably average in the looks department for the fly over States. Land of low expectations.

# ? Nov 1, 2017 00:52

Unknowable Hole: Feb 2, 2005; Pillbug

Lena Dunham and Jastiger, two pedophiles too disgusting for this world.

# ? Nov 1, 2017 00:55

maskenfreiheit: Dec 30, 2004

loquacius posted:

I have no love for Lena Dunham, but pretending to be wildly attracted to her is a pretty good trolling method. It was probably the least obnoxious gimmick he had.

while we're on the subject of comedian crushes, I have a weirdly intense crush on Pamela Adlon.

# ? Nov 1, 2017 00:56

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

maskenfreiheit posted:

while we're on the subject of comedian crushes, I have a weirdly intense crush on Pamela Adlon.

I looked her up and I was like "yeah I can see it," then I saw she's mainly famous for being the voice of Bobby Hill and that kind of ruins it for me

# ? Nov 1, 2017 01:01

A Strange Aeon: Mar 26, 2010; You are now a slimy little toad; The Great Twist

loquacius posted:

I looked her up and I was like "yeah I can see it," then I saw she's mainly famous for being the voice of Bobby Hill and that kind of ruins it for me

LOL, I don't think she'd use the Bobby Hill voice...unless you wanted her to!

# ? Nov 1, 2017 01:44

maskenfreiheit: Dec 30, 2004

loquacius posted:

I looked her up and I was like "yeah I can see it," then I saw she's mainly famous for being the voice of Bobby Hill and that kind of ruins it for me

I know her visually from Californication and Louie CK's shows

But if she insisted on doing a Bobby Hill voice during the act...

I'd probably accept those terms.

# ? Nov 1, 2017 02:45