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May 30, 2024 10:15
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- La Brea Carpet
- Nov 22, 2007
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I have no mouth and I must post
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I [23F] am getting married this Saturday. My fiancé [26M] and I are waiting until we're married to have sex, but I really am not ready to have sex and I'm considering calling off our engagement.
quote:
We we're friends for 2 before we started dating and have been dating for 2 years.
He is literally my favorite person on this bloody planet, he's my best mate, and I'm buzzing at the thought of being married in a few days. While we were still friends and he was dating someone else I remember being sad because it was pretty clear in my mind even at that stage that I wanted to marry him, or that the idea of being married to him was pretty cool.
So here's the problem, we're evangelicals (bible believing Christians) and because of that we believe sex is best had in marriage (side note: I am not homophobic in fact I love and support the LGBTQ community, and am all for gay rights, just in case anyone was wondering), so as such we haven't had sex before marriage.
We have talked about sex but I'm a very generic sense, like me getting on birth control and his sexual past etc but never about I and how we feel at the prospect of us having sex, beyond which hotel we'll be staying at on our wedding night. I have always been aware of my issues with sex, or rather my issues with not being a virgin but I thought I dealt with them, but it's been pretty clear this last month I haven't.
I unlike my fellow Christians I did not get the "repress sexual desires for 20+ years and then suddenly become a sexual beast on your wedding night memo", which for one has made me feel like the crappiest (if that is even a word) individual on the this planet, and has had me crying anxiously every night for the past month.
I am scared beyond what you can imagine for who I will become once I've had sex and really, it feels like the impending loss of an identity. I somehow thought not only would I be ready for this a few days before my wedding but that I'd be excited about the prospect. Instead I feel sick to me core at the thought of it. I really don't want to have sex and I don't know how to not feel like this.
I've had a chats with my married friends and my none married friends and they're all like "it's normal to feel nervous", but I don't feel nervous, I just don't want to do this. If we could have a sexless marriage that would be great really, but honestly to ask my fiancé to agree to that is totally unfair.
He isn't a virgin and so I know he's so excited to have sex. And so it's because of all of this that I am considering calling off the engagement and breaking up, which is devastating but I feel out of options at this point.
I don't want to resent my husband for taking away something I've identified myself with all my life, but I don't don't want break his heart when he's the most important person in my life.
I really don't know what to do, (my mom will kill me for calling off the wedding after everything's been paid for). Please help I really don't know what to do. Am I making the right decision ?
tl;dr: I am getting married on Saturday and I am considering calling off my engagement and breaking up because I have serious internal issues with sex and don't feel ready to have sex.
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Dec 5, 2017 00:50
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- WampaLord
- Jan 14, 2010
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I [23F] am getting married this Saturday. My fiancé [26M] and I are waiting until we're married to have sex, but I really am not ready to have sex and I'm considering calling off our engagement.
Religion really fucks people up.
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Dec 5, 2017 00:52
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- Barudak
- May 7, 2007
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I did not repress my sexuality says person calling it off with heir fiance to stay a virgin forever.
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Dec 5, 2017 00:53
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- The Lone Badger
- Sep 24, 2007
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Get drunk and gently caress the stripper at the hens night. Problem solved.
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Dec 5, 2017 00:56
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- tactlessbastard
- Feb 4, 2001
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Godspeed, post
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Fun Shoe
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Imagine picking 'virgin' as your sole identity as a positive thing.
Person 1: I'm a fireman!
Person 2: I'm a gamer!
Person 3: I travel every chance I get!
Person 4: I collect cats!
Person 5: I don't have sex!
Person 6: I'm an investment ban... wait, what?
The asexuals, then
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Dec 5, 2017 01:09
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- Motronic
- Nov 6, 2009
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I [23F] am getting married this Saturday. My fiancé [26M] and I are waiting until we're married to have sex, but I really am not ready to have sex and I'm considering calling off our engagement.
Open the relationship.
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Dec 5, 2017 01:14
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- coolskull
- Nov 11, 2007
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let this meeting of the sexless circle commence.
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Dec 5, 2017 01:26
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- PHIZ KALIFA
- Dec 21, 2011
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#mood
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Why do cishet asexual people want to be LGBT so goddamn bad anyway
if someone is asexual they can't be hetero *dude pointing to head meme*
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Dec 5, 2017 01:34
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- Haifisch
- Nov 13, 2010
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Objection! I object! That was... objectionable!
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Taco Defender
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I [30 M] am having some serious doubts about the continued longevity of my marriage with my wife [31 F] due to a hard-shift regarding religious ideals on my part
quote:Hi folks,
Using an alt account for reasons. I'll try to keep this as brief as possible, but with as long a relationship as this has been, it's collected a lot of baggage. We've been married coming up on 12 years. We started dating at 16 and married just as young, right out of high school. We were both very, VERY religious. She'd been attending a conservative Church of Christ since birth; I was raised Baptist and began attending the CoC with her a few months after we began dating. By 18 we were married, by 20 we had our first of 2 children. At 22 I was heavily considering getting into the ministry, looking at attending the Memphis School of Preaching - a very conservative evangelical academy within the CoC. I ended up receiving a very attractive job offer prior to pulling the trigger which put that dream on hold at the time (but ultimately killed it in the long run).
As time passed, I became less religious, and she became more religious. By 2014 I was considering myself an atheist internally, but hid those thoughts from my wife until late 2016 where I finally "came out." To say that this has caused problems would be an understatement. I became more liberal in many of my views, she became more conservative. The most recent election caused some very heated "conversations" on the couch after the kids went to bed. I became more skeptical and scientifically minded, she holds firm that the earth is 6000 years old and that dinosaurs walked with humans. Most conversations end in her crying and saying something along the lines of "why did you have to go and fill your head with that trash?" Which, as you might imagine, is incredibly deflating.
At this point, I feel the only thing holding us together is the kids. This isn't the sort of thing that's going to be reconciled by seeing past each others differences...the CoC is the sort of church who thinks other christian groups are going to hell because they "haven't read the bible correctly." Very cult-like, in my mind, but I would never say that to her....The take-away here is that she is "right" and will forever BE right and actively refuses to partake of information that may tell her otherwise. I used to hold to that mentality. I no longer can. Obviously, this has had some serious ramifications when it comes to raising our children when we have extremely different world views.
I don't know what sort of responses I'll get here, but I really just needed to vent. I don't know where I want to go from here. I don't necessarily want to end the marriage, but I certainly don't want to continue as-is. I just don't see any resolution down the road. If anything, I see this continuing as it has been, "ignoring the problem," until the kids are out of the house...and then what? I don't know.
tl;dr: Used to be religious, now I'm not. Wife still is, which is causing some serious issues.
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Dec 5, 2017 01:40
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- hawowanlawow
- Jul 27, 2009
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religious people are the fuckin worst
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Dec 5, 2017 01:44
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- tactlessbastard
- Feb 4, 2001
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Godspeed, post
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Fun Shoe
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Get a divorce you stupid mother fucker, and make sure you get 100% custody from your crazy rear end wife.
He'll never, ever get custody.
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Dec 5, 2017 01:54
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- LethalGeek
- Nov 4, 2009
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My sister [25F] has accused my husband [36M] of one year dated for four, of being inappropriate with her and I [25F] know she's lying, been sisters since age 6
quote:
reposted because I broke a rule. Sorry! Married for one-ish year, dating for four-ish years. Sisters for about 19-ish years
Alright. Before I get into this i'll discuss the age gap between my husband and I as I know that it will be discussed. Though I know as a rule older men dating younger women is not a good thing, I think we're one of the exceptions. We met in college when I was 18 and he was 29. He had a late start in life as he was the youngest child in the home when his mother got sick and was asked to stay behind to take care of her. This was a cultural expectation. So while his siblings went on to college he was taking care of his Alzheimers ridden mother. She died when he was 25 and it was an awful emotional burden that took him a while to bounce back from.
We met in a volunteer group who spent time in nursing homes. I also took care of my grandmother the last year of high school to the best of my capabilities while she slowly declined too, so we had that in common. We had been friends for two years and at age 20 for me, we broached dating each other. He spoke to my family about dating me and all was well... so I thought.
We moved in together during my final two years of college and we're honestly amazing roommates. We contribute fairly not just financially but emotionally and physically too. Last year we broached the topic of getting married and after some premarital counseling... went for it. We had a wedding, invited family the whole thing. My dad and stepmom and siblings on that side threatened to not come because they did not agree with our age gap and thought that i was only dating this guy for fun not for serious. My mom called him and told him he was being an idiot and nothing would separate us more than him not going. So they showed up.
Here's my present issue. My sister (well step sister but we consider each other sisters) stayed over this last week as she had a job interview in the city that my husband and I live in. She was a little cold to my husband but oh well we thought, she didn't really know him and maybe it cramped our sister sister style? We tried our best though and I did my best to have just her and me time so overall we didnt feel like it was a terrible time.
She left Friday and on Saturday I received a weird phone call from my father telling me that my husband had apparently been drunk Wednesday night while I was asleep, went to talk to my sister in the guest part of our home and began to profusely hit on her. To the point of making her feel uncomfortable for her safety. The immediate red flag was that my husband is sober 16 years and if he was going to break that it would be bigger.... if that makes sense. My dads side also does not know he is sober.
Not wanting to completely discount it I asked why she didnt say anything or something. Those are awful feelings to be dealing with and i would have found her better accommodations like a hotel or something. My father said that she didnt want to hurt my feelings by telling me but the weight of it was too much. She also has some recorded proof that my husband hit on her. I asked if I could hear it or it be sent to me as at this point i was doubting my husband a little, and they wouldn't send it to me. They couldn't trust me to send a copy of a recording to listen to? What?? Ok so that's fishy beyond belief right?
Now my dad and that side have barred me from seeing them or going to family events unless I leave my husband. My sister has been posting all over facebook about being part of metoo, that blood is thicker than water, and how she cant even be safe with her sister.
I dont know what to do. I'm not leaving my husband without proof. Especially with how withholding theyre being of it. I asked my husband what happened that night and he told me that he came home from shift work, saw my sister watching tv said hey how are you, asked what she was watching, then went to our room and went to bed. I remember waking up to him coming to bed and nothing seemed off.
Wtf do I do here?
tl;dr: Sister accused my husband of being inappropriate with her, says there is a recording but will not share it with me. It seems really incredible but has completely managed to have me cut out of family events unless I leave my husband.... what do I do here?
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Dec 5, 2017 01:55
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- Haifisch
- Nov 13, 2010
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Objection! I object! That was... objectionable!
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Taco Defender
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He'll never, ever get custody.
My bigger concern would be her kidnapping the kids, honestly. Her church sounds culty as gently caress, and cults don't take well to people trying to leave.
OP posted:Everything she does on her own time revolves around the church. I naively allowed her to homeschool the kids a few years back. Told her I wasn't on board from the get-go, if she wanted to do this, she was on her own. Great, she said, and took off running. Then I get a pamphlet in the mail from Answers In Genesis with MY name on it...why was I getting this? "Oh, that's the kids science curriculum." Pulled the plug immediately, they were back in public school in a matter of weeks. All that to say, no, she doesn't work. She doesn't volunteer. What she does do is study her bible for hours on end. I just enrolled us all to build kids baskets through an org supported by the CFI, so I'm actively trying to get us, get the kids involved in some sort of volunteer work.
To answer your next question, I have no idea. Our anniversary is coming up later this month and I suggested we take a weekend trip up to Canada (we're close, just a few hours drive), stay at an AirBnB and go explore some local cuisine and local art galleries. That was shut down relatively quickly, and I was accused of planning it "selfishly" because 1 - she hates Canada (without any cause, as far as I can tell, beyond saying "it's weird there") and 2 - she doesn't like art. So gently caress me, right?
with this church it's entirely black and white. either you do what's required to be saved (i.e. be baptized) or go to hell. They go as far as saying that even of you were planning on getting baptized THAT DAY, if you were killed in a car wreck on the way to the church building, you're going to hell.
OP posted:Totally agree. When I was attending still, a lot of our arguments sprung from conversations started after sermons in the car ride home, often on treatment of "outsider" classes of people. I once ended up sleeping on the couch because I called the CoC a "denomination" and looped it in with other brands of Christianity. That one comment resulted in extreme offence and tears.
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Dec 5, 2017 02:08
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- DragQueenofAngmar
- Dec 29, 2009
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You shall not pass!
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that extreeeeemely depends on how alabama the judge is
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Dec 5, 2017 02:35
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- DragQueenofAngmar
- Dec 29, 2009
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You shall not pass!
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e: double
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Dec 5, 2017 02:36
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- girl pants
- Sep 21, 2006
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I feel a great disturbance in my pants
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Goddamn religion destroys people
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Dec 5, 2017 02:50
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- therobit
- Aug 19, 2008
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I've been tryin' to speak with you for a long time
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Nope. Demand $30k to not have an abortion. Have an abortion if needed. Dump the dumbass.
$30k? If she doesn't have medical insurance that might not even cover the hospital bills. She said he's well off. There's more to be had here.
I think r/legaladvice would call it extortion, but they call everything extortion. I don't see how it could be, because she isn't threatening him if she says "If you want me to do x, you must do y to compensate me."
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Dec 5, 2017 03:23
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- WampaLord
- Jan 14, 2010
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I've been gone from the thread for a while, what story is the new title referencing?
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Dec 5, 2017 03:27
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- tactlessbastard
- Feb 4, 2001
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Godspeed, post
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Fun Shoe
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100% custody? Probably not. But partial custody? He's clearly interested in continuing to parent his kids, so assuming he gets a lawyer and fights for it(and he'll need to, because his crazy-rear end wife will probably get her church to pay for the sleaziest lawyer possible to fight for her side), he should get it.
My bigger concern would be her kidnapping the kids, honestly. Her church sounds culty as gently caress, and cults don't take well to people trying to leave.
They go in front of the judge and her and fifteen tearful witnesses all say that dad used to be a good man but now he's a Satanist, a drunk, neglectful, shirking his responsibilities, and fills their poor little minds with things alien to their society and bam our man is getting one supervised weekend a month max.
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Dec 5, 2017 03:36
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- DragQueenofAngmar
- Dec 29, 2009
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You shall not pass!
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in the south it's still possible for the court to rule for the crazy religious person over the godless satan worshipping athiest child corrupter tbh :/
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Dec 5, 2017 04:53
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- Admiral Ray
- May 17, 2014
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Proud Musk and Dogecoin fanboy
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They go in front of the judge and her and fifteen tearful witnesses all say that dad used to be a good man but now he's a Satanist, a drunk, neglectful, shirking his responsibilities, and fills their poor little minds with things alien to their society and bam our man is getting one supervised weekend a month max.
A lot of people think they are going to something where they "can convince people" of their worth. That's garbage, you're going to court, not a meet n greet. Keep a journal, take notes on what she says and does, and prove you've been an active and important part of the children's lives. Fight to see them, hire a lawyer, and use every trick in the book. If you don't even try, who will believe you care?
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Dec 5, 2017 04:54
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- Pick
- Jul 19, 2009
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Nap Ghost
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My wife (31F) and I (30M) are completely burned out of our run of the mill lives and feel trapped and depressed. Not sure what to do.Personal issues
submitted 2 years ago by burnedouttawquote:
My wife and I have been "adults" for quite some time now. We got married fairly early on, when we were both around 22. We were blessed and lucky enough to be able to get good jobs and move into our own place shortly after, and things have been great on paper ever since. But after so long of doing this and becoming jaded with it, we've quickly discovered that we aren't fit for this.
A lot of it comes from our careers. When we were right out of college and younger and ambitious, we were ready to take on the world. But as we tried to keep at it, both of us have found ourselves stepped on and cheated as others around us have found less than respectable ways to climb corporate ladders. While we were once bright eyed and ready to go as far as we could, we're both now extremely jaded and have a hard time fighting for a reason to care about anything career-wise.
Much of the rest of it comes from everything else that's curated by our cookie cutter lifestyle and forced upon us by our jobs. Each of us work 45 to 50 hours a week or more, often with weekend responsibilities, which puts a huge damper on anything social with anyone else. It's also sucking the lives and soul out of us, as we usually are just too worn down physically and so destroyed mentally by work that we are just too tired and defeated to really enjoy anything or try our own projects on our own time.
We've both talked about it and have realized the problem and have tried like hell to get ourselves out of it. We've started three separate part time businesses to this point in hopes that any of them could take off and enable us to be our own bosses and sources of our own income. None of them have really taken off, in two cases for reasons similar like we've experienced at work when someone else is walking all over us to their advantage. Any time we dream of something like leaving everything and buying an RV and living our lives out of it, some random circumstance of life happens and we're forced to cope with how unattainable anything like that is and realize we may never experience any real adventure.
We're both around 30 and we're just afraid that we're losing the best years of our lives in a vain pursuit of something that's inevitably just allowing ourselves to be the crutch to support someone else. We both have dreams of travelling the world or accomplishing our own big things, but we're just too drat tied down to work, bills, and responsibilities to even think of it. It's become such a drag on us in the past year that we've both suffered severe bouts of depression, and have been on the verge of suicide. The two of us briefly had a pact together before we finally checked ourselves into therapy. It's just so difficult when we just experience so much hopelessness, tiredness, and frustration most of our lives.
Anyone have any suggestions? We have wild dreams of escaping and doing something like a year long trek through Asia and Eurpope, or perhaps taking five months to hike the Pacific Crest Trail. But those dreams seem so distant that they're just depressingly unrealistic. We want to get busy living before we're too old to be able to, but it just seems unattainable.
TL;DR - My wife and I feel stuck and hopeless in our cookie cutter 40 hour a week lifestyles and yearn for something different. It's become so bad that we've become clinically depressed and borderline suicidal. We don't know what to do and can't find a way out and desperately need your suggestions.
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Dec 5, 2017 07:39
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- Pick
- Jul 19, 2009
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Nap Ghost
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I(37f) feel like I am watching my husband (37m) self destruct and my marriage of 15 year disintegrate right before my eyesRelationships
47 points 31 comments submitted 4 years ago by Disposablewife123 to r/relationships
quote:My husband (37m) suffers from clinical depression. Over the years we have been through many ups and downs, and I bear no small guilt in that. However, a couple years ago he decided to go off of his meds and no longer pursue help for his depression. Since the he has gone through a drastic decline.
He has virtually no friends to speak of and cuts himself off from anyone who attempts to have a relationship with him, including family members. He holds grudges like you would not believe. Things that made him angry very early on in our 15 year marriage are still not able to discussed rationally. He harbors so much resentment for every way I have ever wronged him, no matter how small a degree.
I went through a period of low libido several years ago and he is still very angry about it. We had conversations about it and I heard his side of things and made some lifestyle changes that helped drastically, however his resentment is so great that for the last few years I am almost constantly rejected. He does not pursue intimacy of any kind with me. He has admitted that this is partly in retaliation for how he felt during that time. Our situation has completely reversed from where we were. I've never had the best self esteem, but the constant rejection has made me feel so worthless and unloved.
I feel that in many ways I have become his emotional punching bag. Each day I have no idea what I will face when he comes home from work. Sometimes he is smiling and kind, but others I get the silent treatment. Many days have been him speaking about 5 sentences to me and then going to bed. The tiniest of things can make him irrationally angry with me. I find myself apologizing constantly. I have to watch what I say for fear of how he will interpret it. He also tends to spoil any major events when we are happy together, like a holiday, with him getting angry at me.
I do feel that I am abused emotionally at times. I have had people tell me to leave him. I can tell you right now that is not going to happen. However, with as unhappy as he is, I am in constant fear that he will leave me or worse, do something to himself.
To complicate the situation further, we have 4 children. Fortunately, he is a wonderful father and is very careful that his issues do not touch our children. They don't even see us argue. He is patient and loving with them, although a little strict.
He refuses to go to counseling or doctors, to take medication or even really talk. The times he does talk have been full of hopelessness and his feelings that nothing will ever get better and the inevitability of our relationship ending. I do not want this. Although it may seem hard to believe with the description I have given here, I love him so much. He is a wonderful man, and this behavior that he has been sinking into is a result of his illness.
My problem is watching this decline and my powerlessness in it all. I adore him and it hurts me that he is hurting, but the weight of my own burdens from all of this is so heavy. I saw my own parents marriage end because of similar issues and I see mine headed the same way, but I don't know what to do when he won't get help.
I admit that lately the strain has been severe. I have struggled with mild self harm for a few years, which he is unaware of because much of it is triggered by our problems. I think knowing would be too difficult for him to bear and I have learned to curb that impulse. I do have issues of my own which I am addressing. I just feel so lost and alone and hopeless and unloved. He still says I love you but I feel like he is just waiting for his world to implode. What can I do to help him when he won't help himself? And how do I come through this emotionally intact and with our family intact as well? Please help, I just want to fix it all and to back to being happy again.
TLDR: husband is clinically depressed, won't get help and our family is falling apart
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Dec 5, 2017 07:40
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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May 30, 2024 10:15
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- Anony Mouse
- Jan 30, 2005
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A name means nothing on the battlefield. After a week, no one has a name.
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Lipstick Apathy
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Gf [25F] lost her job 11 months ago and sells crafts online "full-time." Except she makes negative income, and shows no intention of getting a new job. I [27M] feel trapped, should I reevaluate this relationship?
quote:Gf and I have been together 4 years total. Everything has been smooth until this year.
Here's the problem. 11months ago she lost her job as an office administrator due to downsizing issues. She's been unemployed since then but has decided to pursue her passion in arts and crafts. So, she makes wooden and hand-knit toys that she sells on a variety of craft-sales sites. I know she's having a great time doing this, but she tells everyone that she's finally found her calling and her dream career.
Only issue is that I've been basically subsidizing this "career" of hers because her turnover is so low and her cost of materials is so high that she can't even break even. I make good income so in the beginning I offered to pay for raw materials so she can focus on her craft. Well, it's still going and she gets frustrated with me whenever I ask her if she will at least break even and recoup costs soon. She tells me that's not important right now and she just needs to get her name out there first.
We talk about it some more and she decides she wants to pursue her craft despite making no money so she'll just take on a stay at home wife/gf sort of role. I'll be the sole breadwinner. We think it over and we've been "on trial" with this for the past 4 months.
It's been miserable for me. I told her that it's fine if she wants to stay home full-time, but I do want her to work on our home too. Like basic cleaning, cooking, etc. She hasn't done any of that over the past 4 months because she says she's too busy/tired from producing her crafts to sell. So nothing has changed basically. I pay for her hobby turned "career" and I still come home to clean and cook and do everything for myself. I can't even bring up my frustrations, because she'll act like the most vulnerable person in the world when I even suggest that we need to do things differently.
Last night we had a big fight because she found a crafts fair/showcase event that she wanted to go to that was halfway across the country. She said she wanted to apply to set up a table and show off her things. Only issue is that it will literally cost thousands in fees for this whole event plus hotels plus flights. She came up to me super casually and just asked me to pay for the whole thing, stating she'll "pay me back" when this launches her things into popularity. I told her no, that I've been keeping track of her costs and revenue and she's losing more money than ever. I say that if she wants to pay for this trip, she can take out loans herself, but I'm no longer paying for this.
We fight about this for a long, long time and she eventually accuses me of being miserly and a selfish bastard. She says that no one makes a profit their first year and I'm too short-sighted. I say sure but most businesses also fail within the first 3 years. She cried and threw things at me and took off to stay with her sister. This morning she texts me asking to make up but says nothing about what we talked about. I ask her if we can finally discuss how costly this job of hers is and she just says she refuses to compromise herself for any man and that's something she promised herself as a little girl.
So what do we do now? Am I crazy for thinking this could end our relationship? I am feeling really hesitant now and I keep thinking of a future where she can just unilaterally decide not to work while I support the both of us. Am I being too stubborn/miserly? Should I try to work it out with her?
tl;dr: Gf lost her job roughly a year ago and has been selling hand-made crafts online full-time. She makes no money, loses more money, and wants to be a full-time stay at home wife/gf. I agreed but she also doesn't do housework. We fight all the time and I'm considering leaving. Am I being too stubborn/cheap or is this cause to rethink the relationship??
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Dec 5, 2017 07:43
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Dec 5, 2017 00:41
and don't marry anyone. Become a nun.
