quote:

Hey guys! So I’m looking for insight from other people about my situation. I’m 22 years old and my boyfriend is 23. He’s a quite guy, shy, loving but can say things that frighten me a bit. We’ve not been together long, just coming up to 6 months actually. We were both with partners before but our feelings developed more and we became an item after a while. Anyway, he says things to me that I used to just blow over but he’s been saying them more lately. All of which are “If you ever cheat on me, I will murder you” “If you lie and to me and I know you’re lying then I will kill you” and I say to him “you would murder me, why would you want to do that?” And his response would be “If I was to murder you, it will be a crime of complete passion. One day I could just crack and choke you to death or something”. He dreams a lot about me he says, and most of which are him killing me after I cheat on him and deny it. He always asks me everyday if I still love him, and my answer is always yes because I do! He always asks me if I’ve cheated which I haven’t but sometimes I feel like he doesn’t believe me when I’m being truthful? It’s getting to me all these sly accusations. I had a partner before him for just shy of 4 years, he however is, well, was a ladies man. Although he was with a girl before me for a year and he never told her he loved her but it took him 3 weeks into our relationship to tell me that he loved me which I was so surprised at. One time he put a pillow over my face and then asked if I could breath, when he lifted it up and asked me I said “no I couldn’t” then he pushed it back down on my face with a harder force for about 5 seconds. After this I felt uneasy and expressed my fear for my life and told him I didn’t like what he was saying or doing and he played it off saying he would never hurt me. He randomly just grabs my neck at the front sometimes and kisses me. I know what you’re all thinking “girl get TF out of there” but he’s never hurt me, never done anything like that. It’s his words that make me uneasy. We’re together a lot and it’s perfect, I’m in love and he’s always all over me telling me how much he loves me and cuddles me all the time. The only times I sometimes feel a bit helpless is during sex, we both like rough sex and he chokes me, pulls my hair, slaps my face etc which I’m fine with, but sometimes when he’s being too rough I do tell him and majority of the time (not always) he just says “shut the gently caress up” and pushes my face into the pillow. I don’t fear for my life, but when he says things like that it does make me think, is he capable? When I met him he was very depressed but since we’ve been together he’s really picked himself up and is happy again. He is very loving to me, always cuddles me and tells me how beautiful I am, says he’d do anything for me and that he wants to spend his life with me. Takes care of me when I’m sick and just always makes a fuss over me.I know you guys can’t give me an answer to this but please give me your insight to this. If I felt I was in real, immediate danger I would leave and never look back but I love this guy. Has anyone felt this way about their partner saying they’ll kill them and it’ll be “passionate”. Or has anyone been in this situation?
TL;DR Boyfriend says threatening things to me which make me feel uneasy, I speak to him about it but he tells me he’s only playing but continues to say these things to me.
EDIT; Thank you everyone for all your helpful and supportive comments. You’re all so lovely and have helped me see the situation in a different light. This isn’t okay and it has to be addressed. I will speak to him this evening about everything and I will express my concerns. Fantasizing and/or dreaming about killing your SO isn’t right. The whole role-play stuff has to be spoken about seriously, and no more threatening. If he can’t see that it has upset/scared me and that it’s a serious issue then I will walk away. Thank you everyone once again. You’ve all helped me out a lot! I will keep this post updated if anyone wants to know the outcome. Thanks!!

quote:

u/Cooballz
So, half my family are musicians, it's great and all, music is a huge part of my life, and usually I love singing along while my mom plays. However, my dad is coming in from another state for the party (also a musician) and I haven't seen him in almost 3 years. The problem is, when my family starts playing music together it is a jumbled mess of people playing over other people, no one knows the same jams, so we get about 30 second of a song before the move on to another, and it is nearly impossible to get a single conversation going if there is even a tambourine laying around.

There will be mixed company before and after the party that are not musical, I am not very musical myself, though I love to sing, can't sing right now, being pregnant makes it really hard to control my voice, I just want pleasant conversation. My mother told me that my dad even said my request for no instruments is ridiculous so she is bring them anyway.

I want to scream! Why can't she just listen to me, it isn't her drat party!!! What do I do, am I drama queen?

TL;DR Can't get my mom to understand that I don't want everyone playing guitar and singing at my baby shower, I just want conversation and laughs, but she refuses to abide.

Admiral Ray posted:

They are trying to conceive because they think it'll bring the love back into their marriage. It won't, the love was never there. from your brother but first sign him up to reddit so he can chronicle his future of hell for the edification of all.

quote:

BF of a year worships NFL. I have zero passion for it, but have accepted it. Will put up with him constantly checking his phone for fantasy updates without saying a word. Will listen to him spew stats and stories using terminology I don’t understand. Didn’t even say anything when he picked a “lighthearted” fight with a stranger when we were out because he was wearing the jersey for a team he dislikes.

But then we have the losses and injuries.

Cue the drama.

His team has been doing great this year but recently suffered a loss. After, he told me he needed space to process his emotions and that it was going to be a rough rest of the day for him. Wouldn’t eat. Kept him from sleeping. He apparently brought the emotional baggage to work the next day too, because he told me he got into an argument with his boss about it (I think he boss gave him the ‘it’s just a game’ line, which BF didn’t appreciate).

I know he’s not the only one and I do understand being a little upset when your team loses or a player gets hurt. However, I have absolutely no sympathy for being physically ill and depressed over it for days. Football is a game. People lose. That’s what happens in a game. In my opinion, if you can’t handle that, then you shouldn’t be watching. I obviously can’t tell him that, so I just keep quiet.

I have brought it up before and while he realizes how invested emotionally he is in it, he doesn’t see it as a problem.

Anyone have any ideas how I can NICELY remind him it’s just a game?

tl;dr: Football-obsessed BF shuts down after his fave team loses, I want him to understand how ridiculous he's being

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I live with several roommates. The other night, one of my roommates (who is black) commented on a doll that she thought was racist. The doll is a figure of a Shinto dancer/performer, so it looks like a light-skinned Japanese man, but he is wearing a removable Shinto spirit mask that happens to be a dark brown. She commented several times that it made her uncomfortable, but I thought it was because Shinto spirits tend to have grotesque features.

All of the sudden, she got up and said it would be ok if he just didn't have the mask and started taking the mask off. At this point I still didn't realize why she was upset, and I got mad (it is technically my doll) and got up, pulled the doll out of her hands and replaced the mask. I didn't realize how upset she was, as she had been laughing while talking for most of the exchange, and only realized why she was upset and why it was so serious when she said "any time a black person tells you that they're uncomfortable, you can't tell them they are wrong and need to listen to them". Then it clicked into place that she thought this was a doll wearing a black person's face.

I tried explaining that it wasn't black face at all, this is a traditional cultural artifact that is completely unrelated to black people. She basically told me she was uninterested in an explanation, kept saying that it was racist, said "people had boats" implying that Africans sailed to Japan and were seen as Shinto spirits and this is the basis for the depiction.

At this point I told her that this isn't her house. She isn't technically a roommate (always a fun complication) and won't be here permanently, but has relationships with people in the house so will be coming back even after she moves. This was an inappropriate way to deal with the situation, and I want to make sure she feels comfortable being here in the future.

I need to apologize to her, but I am not comfortable saying that I was wrong. A big reason this conflict happened is because she didn't make it clear initially that she was seriously upset, or what was upsetting her. I also strongly disagree with everything she said and am kind of upset myself - I just don't know how to take responsibility for the things I ended up saying about her being here. How do you apologize without lying? Also, how do you apologize to someone who is blatantly avoiding you?

TLDR: Roommate is under the assumption that I had a racist black face doll and refused to accept an explanation. I don't agree with her and am also upset about how she dealt with the situation, but I want to apologize for saying something cruel out of anger.

Peaceful Anarchy posted:

They are trying to conceive so she can say she quit her job because she wanted to be a stay at home mom and not because writing on a blackboard is too much strain on her clogged heart.

Milotic posted:

Well I guess she’s dead then. Have something funny instead!

My [29F] mom [58F] is insisting on bring guitars to my baby shower and I can't get her to understand that I do not want them there.

Milotic posted:

Well I guess she’s dead then. Have something funny instead!

My [29F] mom [58F] is insisting on bring guitars to my baby shower and I can't get her to understand that I do not want them there.

La Brea Carpet posted:

Me (29f) with a roommate (19f) - apologizing for her thinking I was racist


Guess reddit's take on this one.

Skutter posted:

My boyfriend says he will murder me with passion.


He is very sweet and won't hurt me, he just hurts me during sex and ignores me when I say I don't like it.

quote:

I will speak to him this evening about everything and I will express my concerns.

Barudak posted:

Just be thankful your mother is a talented guitar player, unlike mine who local CCP officialls personally asked to stop practicing her music while staying at a resort.

Avenging_Mikon posted:

Yeah, Anne just pull that from nowhere. Especially there isn't a "so willing to dump him quickly". The husband ditched, wife could tell he was upset, and then made the offer. Plus she then offered anal to the husband which seems an unlikely offer if it was rape. I'm all for believing victims, but not for creating them from aether. If OP comes back and says "guys, this is hosed up, she was raped", that's different.

ArbitraryC posted:

That the roommate is being a drama queen and unable to admit she's wrong? Cause like that's sort of what happened.

quote:

Do not apologize. People constantly love to call out 'white privilege', but what you did was not racist in the least. She attempted to use her race as a way to shut down your rational, logical explaination and make something very minimal into a pity party for herself. The best thing you can do here is to not feed in to such utter bs

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She over reacted and while I might apologize I would expect one from her. She wants you to honor her culture while calling yours racist. That’s not fair to you.

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She is racist.

I know I will get down voted, but look at what she said.

She said when a black person tells you they are uncomfortable you don't have to tell them they are wrong, and listen to them.

Well it is the same for everyone. It's not a "black privilege".

Then she is a bit egocentric. Refusing to listen your explanation, because it goes against what she wants to believe, isn't a proof of being open minded.

Admiral Ray posted:

She got killed that very same night.

Jeffrey of YOSPOS posted:

CCP CCP CCP....Concealed Carry Pregnancy, used when you're pregnant but haven't told anyone yet

quote:

Finally got better mentally, decided to lose my virginity. Met a really great guy we both agreed that it was going to be just casual hook ups, now 10 months later we're in a relationship. We're happy, communicate well and have an active sex life. Randomly asked how many girls he had been with and he said high 20's. Now I'm not jealous of the girls, I'm jealous of the fact that he's had the chance to have 20+ partners. When we started hooking up I didn't want a relationship and I wanted to continue to explore in that way, a few casual hook ups.

Now it's getting serious and he's talking about marriage and I'm getting scared. I can see myself with him but I feel like I'm going to regret not exploring and dating as much. Am I wrong for feeling like this? We spoke about it and I expressed that I loved him but I didn't realize I was signing up for my first and only with him. He's hurt and I feel terrible for feeling this way. He's made it clear that if we take a break and I sleep with someone else there is no getting back together. I feel like I have everything could ever want and I'm selfishly wanting my cake and to eat it.

TL;DR Lost my virginity during a hook up, now we're dating and he wants marriage. I thought I'd have more time for myself.

I just need advice, has anyone else been in this situation? What should I do?

quote:

I don't see a problem with the age difference, we're both adults.

Doggles posted:

Jealous of my(20f) boyfriend's(30m) sexual past



Sure, you're both adults, except for the entire decade of sexual exploration that he's had that you're now longing for.

quote:

10 months

quote:

he's talking about marriage

Admiral Ray posted:

La Brea Carpet posted:

If you had $5 on the REAL racists are the blacks, congrats, you win.

Doggles posted:

Jealous of my(20f) boyfriend's(30m) sexual past

Anne Whateley posted:

No that whole situation is definitely trash, but seriously think about how weird butthole bruising is. There's crazy rough porn out there, even mainstream porn is pretty rough, there are people who fetishize prolapses, and I still bet you've never seen a butthole bruise. That's where my thoughts came from, what the gently caress you have to be doing to cause massive internal bruising.

Doggles posted:

Jealous of my(20f) boyfriend's(30m) sexual past



Sure, you're both adults, except for the entire decade of sexual exploration that he's had that you're now longing for.

Jon Irenicus posted:

I refuse to believe this "baby shower terrorized by guitar playing" isn't a Tim and Eric sketch.

Baronjutter posted:

Nah I've seen more mild version of this my self. Get a bunch of baby boomers who all "used to be in a band" at an event together and suddenly the guitars come out and everyone's trying to play a different song or "jam" together but no one knows the cords or the lyrics so it's hum-singing over each other. Specially if they get some drinks in them. My own dad has a tendency to turn a really lovely chill family/neighbourhood get together where everyone's sitting around a fire having interesting conversations and then out of nowhere there's a guitar and drunk hum-singing that stops all the conversations dead. That's usually when I go home and other people clear out or find a new place to gather, but he just can't not play guitar for a crowd. I imagine getting a few people like my poor dad together in one place and it being absolute musical chaos.

Admiral Ray posted:

Three Olives posted:

She is way too young but 30? It's early to propose but I don't think it is too early to start talking about a future roadmap and if they feel marriage is likely going to be in the future.

Jon Irenicus posted:

BF [27M] takes football too seriously. How can I [29F] remind him it’s ‘just a game’ without ruffling his feathers?

Baronjutter posted:

Nah I've seen more mild version of this my self. Get a bunch of baby boomers who all "used to be in a band" at an event together and suddenly the guitars come out and everyone's trying to play a different song or "jam" together but no one knows the cords or the lyrics so it's hum-singing over each other. Specially if they get some drinks in them. My own dad has a tendency to turn a really lovely chill family/neighbourhood get together where everyone's sitting around a fire having interesting conversations and then out of nowhere there's a guitar and drunk hum-singing that stops all the conversations dead. That's usually when I go home and other people clear out or find a new place to gather, but he just can't not play guitar for a crowd. I imagine getting a few people like my poor dad together in one place and it being absolute musical chaos.

La Brea Carpet posted:

Me (29f) with a roommate (19f) - apologizing for her thinking I was racist

quote:

I didn't realize how upset she was, as she had been laughing while talking for most of the exchange, and only realized why she was upset and why it was so serious when she said "any time a black person tells you that they're uncomfortable, you can't tell them they are wrong and need to listen to them".

Guess reddit's take on this one.

Khorne posted:

Your coworker is wrong!!! I can also confirm that guy and his wife are fat idiots and his sister is the overbearing nurse who thinks being a nurse makes her Qualified. But she's actually right here. If you can't even afford healthcare bills and are quitting work at 30 due to being so drat obese maybe you should stop being so drat obese and not try to have children which are pretty expensive and physically taxing. Hell yeah!!

YeahTubaMike posted:

i can not imagine these words coming out of anyone's mouth

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This isnt the first time I've run into this problem and usually it is related to us drinking, forewarning. We are recently married and I (agree with her that I didnt propose correctly)may have thrown the ring box at her in a fit of "anger" due to her being upset. Long story short I had planned to propose for a while but got cold feet ( had the ring but was waiting for the "perfect" time). We were drinking at a bar one night and I happened to interact with a women that was being harassed by a couple of truckers that were passing through and they gave off a rapey vibe. The recipient made it clear she was uncomfortable so I told her if she needed a ride home I'd be willing to give her one (my wife was there and equally creeped by the truckers). At the end of the night my wife became upset that I was interested in helping the woman so we argued. She said something along the lines of "If you're interested in other women go for it" so i pulled the ring from hiding and threw it at her saying "clearly I care but if you want to act this way I guess you can go marry yourself". There has been one other instance of us being out drinking while another woman was uncomfortable (not by a guy but karaoke and I encouraged her to sing) and my (now wife) became upset. I was able to explain that I like to help people that arent feeling confident and she seemed to understand at the time. My problem comes from the fact that she has brought this up several times since (while drinking, tonight included) and I can't make her understand that i truly am only looking out for others. To illustrate the point I have even told her that while I was in the army I would do very much the same thing and shield the new guys (Guys as in strictly men) from trouble too. I would very seriously put my career at risk because I felt it was right due to the fact that I had a few good leaders that went to bat for me when I truly didnt deserve it but they did it anyway. I feel that everyone deserves a chance. Of course I realize that all stories have three sides; his, hers, and the truth.

All I'm looking for is advice on how to make me or her understand the situation or my interest in me helping others. Am I misunderstanding her stance? Do I need to change how I interact?

tl;dr: She's mad and I can and can't understand

quote:

I dont want to sway other responses but she has specifically mentioned she is upset at the way i proposed. I have never disagreed with her in this regard but she only seems to get really upset when we start to talk about these two specific instances while drinking. I'm not entirely opposed to counseling but regional and religious interests tend to collide. she was raised very catholic and, while I was raised catholic, am very uninterested in religion. We live in the south east which is mostly anti-catholic but she also is moving away from religion which makes it hard to find someone to talk to

quote:

Again ,this is me trying to understand the situation. I know I messed up and although not the "right" way, I did get down on one knee the same night. In my mind I messed up he proposal but I have never second guessed the marriage. I'm just trying to understand a different perspective.

quote:

I appreciate your advice. I do understand that I screwed the proposal but I have explained several times that isnt what I had planned. I agree that someone to mediate may be the best way to understand each other but I have very clearly explained my side to her. I'll never say that I've been a saint all my life but I would hope a heart felt explanation of where I was at at the time would help soften the issue. I just feel that I cant quite get the right words out

quote:

I understand all the hate with the downvotes across the board but outside of a "real" proposal we have managed. We had been "engaged" for a little less than 2 years, had a wedding date, and had lived together without issue. This is all outside of a real proposal. again, I understand the proposal was lovely but if a proposal tanks everything after all other details are taken care of I feel that issues may lie somewhere else and I'm looking for advice.

TheScott2K posted:

Add "Eagles fans" to the Do Not Date List.

Chomp8645 posted:

Any time an Eagles fan tells you they're upset, you should tell them they are wrong that they need to listen to reason.

LadyPictureShow posted:

Even though the sister is an OB nurse and knows what's up in terms of possible complications, I'm assuming they told her more in a 'baby, yay!' way, not 'hey sis, could you weigh in on if my wife's massive BMI will cause any issues?'

Also, holy poo poo quitting/stopping work at age 30 due to prediabetes and chronic pain? I know teachers tend to be on their feet a lot but that's still pretty impressive.

E: Do some subreddits enforce dumbass acronyms or something? I tried looking at justnomil to see if there were any ridiculous holiday family drama stories this thread could laugh at, but I couldn't understand what the Hell was going on in the posts.

La Brea Carpet posted:

Me (29f) with a roommate (19f) - apologizing for her thinking I was racist


Guess reddit's take on this one.