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A Wizard of Goatse
Dec 14, 2014

BadSamaritan posted:

Topical idea: Groom has friendzoned the best man. Best Man has been pining for him and is hoping this stunt will be The Thing that shows the groom that he is truly the one for him, not that bitchy fiancée who can’t take a joke anyways.

OP transparently wants to gently caress the best man, best man wants to rebound gently caress the bride, bride wants to gently caress the OP due to some kind of incurable brain illness

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Barudak
May 7, 2007

A 10 Foot Party Sub suggests the living Illegal Party Toliet

ArbitraryC
Jan 28, 2009
Pick a number, any number
Pillbug

girl pants posted:

I assumed he was the type of guy who basically said "whatever you want babe" whenever his fiancee asked him a question until she finally had a mental breakdown from all the stress, but he's somehow worse than that. A ten foot party sub, Jesus Christ.

That's just dude's getting back at their soon to be wife's for years of indecisiveness about dinner plans.

Zil
Jun 4, 2011

Satanically Summoned Citrus


Just let the groom do it at the rehearsal, that way it helps everyone relax and lets some steam off of a stressful evening and he gets it out of his system.

Meme Emulator
Oct 4, 2000

Khazar-khum posted:

Sunk cost fallacy.

I cant wait for this to become as meaningless as Dunning Kreuger effect ITT

girl pants
Sep 21, 2006
I feel a great disturbance in my pants

Zil posted:

Just let the groom do it at the rehearsal, that way it helps everyone relax and lets some steam off of a stressful evening and he gets it out of his system.

Do what, the best man?

Zil
Jun 4, 2011

Satanically Summoned Citrus


girl pants posted:

Do what, the best man?

I meant his One Ring bit, but on reflection, banging the best man might work out better for everyone.

Verimus
Oct 1, 2009

Caganer posted:

I [21F] discovered the kind of person my deceased sister [23F] really wasNon-Romantic (self.relationships)

This would suck. Do you just destroy the evidence and try to forget or do you add screen caps of her catfishing to the Precious Memories slideshow?

Jeza
Feb 13, 2011

The cries of the dead are terrible indeed; you should try not to hear them.

Verimus posted:

This would suck. Do you just destroy the evidence and try to forget or do you add screen caps of her catfishing to the Precious Memories slideshow?

Bury it and never trust another human being again imo

Caganer
Feb 15, 2018
I love it when redditors end their posts with "please advise" like they're Bill Lumbergh reaching out to IT on how to "do google"

When is a relationship exclusive? I feel like I hosed up (self.dating)

quote:

So I saw this girl twice. First time we just had casual coffee. Second date we got drunk and had sex, and after I was kind of unsure as to the status of our relationship, i.e. is this now a serious thing, or was it just a drunken hookup. That was a couple weeks ago and we've been too busy to see each other again. A few days ago on a random horny whim I went to a massage parlor and got a handjob. Afterwards I was like "poo poo, did I just gently caress this relationship up? Is this cheating?".

I mean, we only had two dates, and even though it got sexual I feel like it was still an undefined relationship. I don't know though. I'm going to see her again and feel like I might have hosed this relationship up. I should have not gone to this massage parlor, I don't know what I was thinking, it was a stupid risk and now it might have hosed things up.

Please advise

John Wick of Dogs
Mar 4, 2017

A real hellraiser


He should confess and then ask if they are exclusive

Caganer
Feb 15, 2018

Al Borland Corp. posted:

He should confess and then ask if they are exclusive

you're not exclusive until you discuss and agree that you are.

this is a difficult concept for many people, but there is no common law girlfriend clause. you aren't magically a monogamous couple because you hosed someone consistently for X times

Rubellavator
Aug 16, 2007

Yeah but would you knowingly date a dude who gets handjobs at the massage parlor? I think that's the main issue.

Palpek
Dec 27, 2008


Do you feel it, Zach?
My coffee warned me about it.


He should ask if they could open the relationship but only to massagers, then wait like 2 days and tell her he got the handjob massage. The twist will be that in the meantime she already had like 10 yoni massages and this will destroy him.

blarzgh
Apr 14, 2009

SNITCHIN' RANDY
Grimey Drawer

Caganer posted:

you're not exclusive until you discuss and agree that you are.

this is a difficult concept for many people, but there is no common law girlfriend clause. you aren't magically a monogamous couple because you hosed someone consistently for X times

That might be fair, but if you're that interested in someone what kind of burden is it to gamble on the relationship becoming serious and not gently caress other people for ten minutes while you find out?

Edit: but really, this:

Rubellavator posted:

Yeah but would you knowingly date a dude who gets handjobs at the massage parlor? I think that's the main issue.

coolskull
Nov 11, 2007

Rubellavator posted:

Yeah but would you knowingly date a dude who gets handjobs at the massage parlor? I think that's the main issue.

depends how well he haggles for them.

MF_James
May 8, 2008
I CANNOT HANDLE BEING CALLED OUT ON MY DUMBASS OPINIONS ABOUT ANTI-VIRUS AND SECURITY. I REALLY LIKE TO THINK THAT I KNOW THINGS HERE

INSTEAD I AM GOING TO WHINE ABOUT IT IN OTHER THREADS SO MY OPINION CAN FEEL VALIDATED IN AN ECHO CHAMBER I LIKE

What the gently caress is with people and handies at massage parlors? Can't you get some lotion and jerk off to porn like a normal person?

I've never seen the appeal in someone else jerking you off.

A Wizard of Goatse
Dec 14, 2014

There's an unspoken yet clearly expressed meth habit in that story, guy's a writing genius

dudeness
Mar 5, 2010

:minnie: Cat Army :minnie:
Fallen Rib
His use of "please advise" tells me all i need to know about his being a dipshit.

John Wick of Dogs
Mar 4, 2017

A real hellraiser


It's probably more thrill seeking than anything else

Rubellavator
Aug 16, 2007

dudeness posted:

His use of "please advise" tells me all i need to know about his being a dipshit.

Yeah that's weird. I only use that in really formal emails for work.

Bubblyblubber
Nov 17, 2014

Rubellavator posted:

Yeah that's weird. I only use that in really formal emails for work.

Why are you telling HR about your massage parlour handjobs, you weirdo?

Can I (33f) buy myself flowers if my fiancé (32m) didn’t on Valentine’s Day?

quote:

u/noflowersthrowaway
I love Valentines Day, anniversaries, birthdays, holidays..I celebrate everything and love any excuse to make a day special. I love giving cards and gifts to my fiancé, he makes way more money than I do and gets himself everything he needs, but I like to treat him and let him know I am thinking of him. For me, the actual gift isn’t the important thing, it is the planning, effort and love behind the gift. The communication to someone that they are loved and important. Yesterday I got him a card, five gifts (most of them small and silly, in total they added up to about $100) that I wrapped and displayed beautifully, and bought the ingredients for a fancy (and expensive) dinner we planned to cook together. I’d been planning all of this for weeks, obsessing over what he might like and researching if there were any new cool ‘toys’ in his interest areas. Even the card was uniquely suited him-I went to several different stores before finding one that I thought he would like.

He didn’t get me anything yesterday. When dinner was ready he put on the tv during dinner and ate it in his boxers. He told me he ordered a gift for me on amazon but it wouldn’t come until next week. It is a thoughtful gift..a stuffed animal of my favorite animal. I feel like an ungrateful jerk for feeling disappointed that he didn’t do anything yesterday when a gift is coming. Knowing him, when it arrives he won’t wrap it or do anything special, he’ll just toss me the amazon box. I’ve told him many times that I wish we could be more romantic together -go on dates, dress up nice for each other, have nice dinners, and I love receiving flowers.

Of those things he’s really latched on to the flowers, and has gotten me flowers on our dating anniversary and Valentine’s the past two years. But yesterday, no flowers, no chocolates, no gift. After seeing all my coworkers with their flowers being delivered to work, and seeing everyone else on Facebook with their flowers and thoughtful gifts/cards/posts ...I come home to my fiancé in his underwear watching tv. I know comparison is the thief of joy but I just really wanted to have a special day.

I feel ungrateful and terrible for being upset about this. I don’t want to make a big fuss because gifts aren’t really his forte and the stuffed animal is coming next week. But I was just really looking forward to this day. Is it passive aggressive just to buy flowers for myself? I love flowers and I think it would cheer me up.

Tldr: Fiancé didn’t do anything for Valentine’s Day, but ordered me a stuffed animal which is coming next week. I’m feeling mopey and I want to buy myself flowers. Am I terrible?

dudeness
Mar 5, 2010

:minnie: Cat Army :minnie:
Fallen Rib
It is a thoughtful gift..a stuffed animal of my favorite animal.

Haifisch
Nov 13, 2010

Objection! I object! That was... objectionable!



Taco Defender

Bubblyblubber posted:

Can I (33f) buy myself flowers if my fiancé (32m) didn’t on Valentine’s Day?
How many comments are talking about love languages? I'm guessing at least five.

maskenfreiheit
Dec 30, 2004

blarzgh posted:

That might be fair, but if you're that interested in someone what kind of burden is it to gamble on the relationship becoming serious and not gently caress other people for ten minutes while you find out?

that's a really slut shamey, sex negative take. if someone is not in a monogamous relationship they can have as much sex as they want

Anne Whateley
Feb 11, 2007
:unsmith: i like nice words
Sure they can, but it's not sex-negative or slut-shamey to say that if you want to demonstrate to an individual that you want a monogamous relationship with them, maybe don't.

Caganer
Feb 15, 2018

Haifisch posted:

How many comments are talking about love languages? I'm guessing at least five.


my love language is AMERICAN.

just say what you want, when you want

WILD CARD BITCHESSS

My [29M] wife [28F] changed her mind about going back to work after giving birthRelationships (self.relationships)


quote:

Basically what it says in the title. My wife and I have been married for three years, together for nine. She gave birth to our first son two months ago. After he was born I was able to take 2 weeks paid leave and she was planning on taking 12. The plan was for her to go back to work and our son's time would be split between her mom and daycare during the work day. From the time that we started talking about having kids, we were in agreement that we’d both work.

On Monday, my wife told me that she doesn’t want to go back to work. She wants to be a stay at home mom at least until our kids (our hope is to have two eventually) are in elementary school.

I was kind of blindsided though maybe I shouldn’t have been, since she has never LOVED her job or been particularly ambitious. Prior to baby, she liked her job okay, but admitted she wouldn’t do it if she didn’t need the money.

Financially we could afford her to stop working but it would be a definite hit, which makes me nervous when we just added the huge expense of a new baby. I also never pictured myself being the sole provider for a family, with kids and a stay at home mom taking care of everything in the house. My family growing up wasn’t like that at all.

I know that a lot of women have to go back to work before they’re ready and I don’t want to do that to my wife when we don’t need her to survive. But finances and the HUGE change in what I was expecting make me really really nervous to agree. I basically told my wife this when she brought it up and said I needed to think about it. She hasn’t said anything directly but has mentioned what a great day she and our son have had every day this week. Admittedly, this makes me feel kinda left out, even though I do a lot when I’m at home.

I've thought about agreeing to her taking off a year and revisiting the question as a middle ground (I’d be a lot more comfortable with that than agreeing to her not working until both kids are in school, which could be like, 8-10 years depending on when we have number two) but I’m worried that we’d just stay where we were at that point out of habit. Is there another solution I’m not thinking of? Do I just need to get over myself and agree?

edit: wrong quote

maskenfreiheit
Dec 30, 2004

Anne Whateley posted:

Sure they can, but it's not sex-negative or slut-shamey to say that if you want to demonstrate to an individual that you want a monogamous relationship with them, maybe don't.

refusing to be exclusive with someone because they had sex with someone other than you before exclusivity was declared is the textbook definition of slutshaming, it's super problematic to hold someone to the standards of a relationship w/o affirmative consent

Haifisch
Nov 13, 2010

Objection! I object! That was... objectionable!



Taco Defender
How can I (31M) be a better gift-giver? My wife (29F) is upset with me yet again

quote:

My wife and I took that five love languages quiz a while ago and hers is gifts. Which makes sense because she always gets me thoughtful stuff. But I always seem to strike out. I will admit a lot of the time I don’t think about the gift giving occasion until it’s too late and I have to scramble, but this year I didn’t do that.

I have been trying to actively listen and pick up on what I think are hints, because my wife has told me that she doesn’t like having to straight up tell me what to get her, for her that ruins the fun of gift giving because at that point she could just go buy it herself. Which is true.

So yesterday was Valentine’s Day. I thought that a digital picture frame would be a good gift because we have a 7 month old son and she’s always taking pictures of him. I stopped and got one after work. When I got home and gave it to her she seemed less than enthusiastic but said thank you. When I asked what was up she said she was just sad because of the news of the school shooting that happened yesterday.

Later I noticed she hadn’t taken it out of the box and asked if I’d screwed up again. She just sighed and said that it didn’t seem thoughtful. I told her that I thought she would like it because of all the pictures she takes of our son, and this way she wouldn’t have to always be getting them printed to hang on the walls, she could just have one photo frame that would cycle out all the pictures.

She replied that she appreciated that, but that I also didn’t wrap it or take it out of the box that it came in, didn’t load any pictures on it, and went an hour out of my way to go get it when what she needed today was for me to come home and take our son so she could shower and ‘get cute’ for when I got home. She said that there are tons of digital picture frames on Amazon that I could’ve ordered if I planned ahead, which she said it seemed like I didn’t. I thought I did, but I guess not enough.

She also said that the frame doesn’t go with any of our other home decor (which is true, all of our furniture and picture frames are white and the frame is brown) and that she actually does enjoy putting pictures of our son into frames and hanging them up around the house.

I can definitely see all of her points. She also says that she knows she should just be grateful, but that she feels like she’s had this conversation with me so many times and at this point she wants to just tell me I’m off the hook for gifts. I don’t want her to say that because I know that gifts are important for her and now I’m really trying, I just don’t know what I’m missing. I guess what I need is tips on how to be a better gift giver because even when I think I’ve gotten her something she’ll like, it always turns out that I’ve misread her.

Also for more context, this past Mother’s Day she was upset with me because I didn’t get her anything or plan anything, and she was pregnant, and I also screwed up her birthday and our anniversary, I didn’t get her anything at all for her birthday and for our anniversary I got her an exercise ball because I read that it can help pregnant women when they’re trying to go into labor. She didn’t appreciate that at all.

I realize that I completely screwed up by not getting her anything on her birthday or planning anything, and I guess I didn’t think to get her anything for Mother’s Day because our son hadn’t been born yet. But I see now why that was wrong of me to think.

Her favorite gifts that I’ve gotten her are one of those sonic face-washing brushes (I noticed she’d been looking up reviews on them and had said she’d been thinking about getting one) and a typewriter I found on Etsy because she had said she used to play on her grandmother’s typewriter when she was a little girl.

I don’t want to give up on this because my wife always does things for my love language, which is words of affirmation. She is an awesome mother and a good wife and doesn’t ask for much, so I really do want to get better at this. If any guys have gone through this same thing and turned things around I would appreciate that perspective as well. Thanks.

Tl;dr I keep ruining giftgiving occasions for my wife whose love language is gifts and I want to do better
Embrace being a sitcom dad whose schtick is terrible gifts, OP.

Caganer
Feb 15, 2018

Haifisch posted:

How can I (31M) be a better gift-giver? My wife (29F) is upset with me yet again

Embrace being a sitcom dad whose schtick is terrible gifts, OP.

i don't want to sound like an incel, but it would make me a little suspicious if someone told me their :airquote: love language :airquote: is me buying them stuff

also lol that her favorite gift doubles as a vibrator

Anne Whateley
Feb 11, 2007
:unsmith: i like nice words

maskenfreiheit posted:

refusing to be exclusive with someone because they had sex with someone other than you before exclusivity was declared is the textbook definition of slutshaming, it's super problematic to hold someone to the standards of a relationship w/o affirmative consent
lmao no. You can tell it's not shaming because there's uh...no shame involved

If it's like "she slept with other people before me, what a disgusting whore" then that's slutshaming, sure. If it's like "I was hoping for a monogamous relationship if it worked out, but while we were dating they were continuing to sleep with other people, and that doesn't work with what I want" that's fine and healthy and normal.

It's like, you also have to show up on time in order to date most people. How dare they hold you to the standards of a relationship without your consent

maskenfreiheit
Dec 30, 2004

Anne Whateley posted:

lmao no. You can tell it's not shaming because there's uh...no shame involved

If it's like "she slept with other people before me, what a disgusting whore" then that's slutshaming, sure. If it's like "I was hoping for a monogamous relationship if it worked out, but while we were dating they were continuing to sleep with other people, and that doesn't work with what I want" that's fine and healthy and normal.

yes, exactly. you're saying that them sleeping with people other than you is a negative thing that makes you not want to date them. that's slut shamey and problematic. you're like that poster who said it's not homophobic to end a relationship with a guy she found out is bi

Anne Whateley
Feb 11, 2007
:unsmith: i like nice words

Caganer posted:

i don't want to sound like an incel, but it would make me a little suspicious if someone told me their :airquote: love language :airquote: is me buying them stuff

also lol that her favorite gift doubles as a vibrator
That love language is more of an "I thought of you" thing, so like, "I saw a great dog, sad you missed him, here's a pic" or sending them a cool link related to their interests would also work. It's more of a "I am aware of your tastes and I think about you enough to find/plan/send/etc. a thing you'd like" and not just :10bux: :10bux: :10bux:

Anne Whateley
Feb 11, 2007
:unsmith: i like nice words

maskenfreiheit posted:

yes, exactly. you're saying that them sleeping with people other than you is a negative thing that makes you not want to date them. that's slut shamey and problematic. you're like that poster who said it's not homophobic to end a relationship with a guy she found out is bi
You are a terrible boring troll and it's only irritating that anyone might believe anyone thinks that way.

It's not a negative thing, it's an incompatible thing. For example, I would also be incompatible with someone who wanted kids or was moving to Chicago, which are not negative things. I look forward to hearing about how that somehow makes me racist though

13Pandora13
Nov 5, 2008

I've got tiiits that swingle dangle dingle




loquacius posted:

I remember being an extremely bitter middle schooler when I didn't get an A on a trifold poster project despite the fact that the teacher couldn't point out anything I'd done wrong

This is a history class, I filled this large loving piece of cardboard up with information on Olympic sprinter Jesse Owens, just like you asked, and you're gonna give me a B because some other kid made theirs look prettier? Don't make me flip my one-piece chair/desk thing :mad:

e: also geometry proofs I would get back with "-2" written on them in red pen and nothing else, no further annotations whatsoever

I know this is from...pages back but it revived in me a 20 year long rage.

In 4th grade I had a 106 in Science class. I was a really bookish kid in elementary school, I read at recess, etc. - a complete incorrigible nerd. Did extra credit assignments I didn't need for fun to keep my grade over 100.

This little shithead in my class who was failing, or near to, copied my test answers word for word on a chapter test and we both got 0s because "the teacher had no way of knowing who cheated" and that little bitch (gently caress you, Samantha) wouldn't confess while I was crying and begging to not give me a 0. How could you not know which of us cheated, using even a sliver of critical thought? They made me get the test signed by my parents because I "may have cheated" and my grade dropped to a 98.

The next greatest "gently caress you" I got from a teacher was my honors 8th grade history teacher (who I corrected in class because I was an aspie little poo poo that didn't know that was super bad) who refused to write me a recommendation for AP World Geography going into high school, which was required for the class (only for this AP class as the only "freshman" AP offered). Didn't matter that I never dropped below a 95 in his class, he "didn't think I had the emotional maturity for AP" (I graduated with enough AP credits to be a mid-sophomore in college so shows what he loving knew).

In short gently caress bitchy teachers who hold back kids who do well and genuinely enjoy learning just to be lovely. I wasn't good at sports and was too gangly and boob-y to be remotely accepted by most my pre-pubescent peers and being academically bright was all I had until high school when suddenly being over 5' and having boobs was totally normal and I had a bunch of really encouraging and awesome teachers :unsmith:

Caganer
Feb 15, 2018

Anne Whateley posted:

That love language is more of an "I thought of you" thing, so like, "I saw a great dog, sad you missed him, here's a pic" or sending them a cool link related to their interests would also work. It's more of a "I am aware of your tastes and I think about you enough to find/plan/send/etc. a thing you'd like" and not just :10bux: :10bux: :10bux:



sorry, you're right. im biased because the first one i saw mentioning these (i wish i had the link) was where the girl's love language was gifts and therefor demanding an ipad for valentines after having gotten an iphone for christmas and the guy is like "i'm a student and had to put the phone on my credit card i can't fit both" :ohdear:

Caganer
Feb 15, 2018

loquacius posted:

I remember being an extremely bitter middle schooler when I didn't get an A on a trifold poster project despite the fact that the teacher couldn't point out anything I'd done wrong

This is a history class, I filled this large loving piece of cardboard up with information on Olympic sprinter Jesse Owens, just like you asked, and you're gonna give me a B because some other kid made theirs look prettier? Don't make me flip my one-piece chair/desk thing :mad:

e: also geometry proofs I would get back with "-2" written on them in red pen and nothing else, no further annotations whatsoever

isn't jesse owens black? maybe teacher is a racist

Anne Whateley
Feb 11, 2007
:unsmith: i like nice words
Yeah I'm sure there are trash people who use it as an excuse, it just isn't inherently bad imo

maskenfreiheit
Dec 30, 2004

Anne Whateley posted:

You are a terrible boring troll and it's only irritating that anyone might believe anyone thinks that way.

i'm not a troll look at my post history, sorry that being a strong advocate for sexual freedom rustles your jimmies

Anne Whateley posted:

It's not a negative thing, it's an incompatible thing. For example, I would also be incompatible with someone who wanted kids or was moving to Chicago, which are not negative things. I look forward to hearing about how that somehow makes me racist though

if you're otherwise compatible and the dealbreaker was loving other people, you're slutshaming. along similar lines if you found out your not-yet-bf was part black, or had a jewish mother and claimed that made you "incompatible" it'd also be biased and wrong. your other examples are things rooted in logic (i want to be in the same city, i don't want to be a parent) whereas denying someone for their sexual history or race is just bias

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Galaxy Brain
Dec 13, 2017

by Lowtax

Haifisch posted:

How can I (31M) be a better gift-giver? My wife (29F) is upset with me yet again

Embrace being a sitcom dad whose schtick is terrible gifts, OP.

Buried lede here, he didn't even wrap the gift. This guy's a pretty frustrating case of learned helplessness. His wife wants him to be observant, attentive, and intuitive, or maybe even to just listen to her when she talks. I agree with her that having to provide a shopping list takes all the fun out of gifts, but everybody talks about their taste and interests, and she'd probably be flattered if he talked to her about her sense of aesthetics, which he clearly has no idea about. After several rounds of completely loving up (no birthday gift wtf), he did the barest bare minimum "filling out the worksheet right before the bell rings" level of paying attention and half observed one thing she does, taking pictures of their son, and didn't even think about it hard enough to notice that she also likes printing them out and hanging them up. Any gift that says "here, now you don't have to do that thing you enjoy anymore!" is a pretty bad one.

I was born into a family of lazy/thoughtless gift givers and I can tell you it's not at all about the Stuff, and very much about feeling like a stranger in your own home.

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