darthbob88 posted:

1996: Don't trust people on the internet, and don't get into a stranger's car.

2016: Let me just summon a stranger from the internet so I can get in their car.

trapped mouse posted:

since that's been quoted twice i might as well post the tweet it was stolen from now

https://twitter.com/Carols10cents/status/749109677431021568

wayfinder posted:

https://twitter.com/PlanetDr/status/984810723908911105

Sapozhnik posted:

isn't moon dust carcinogenic as gently caress in the same sort of manner as asbestos

Improbable Lobster posted:

moon dust is sharp as gently caress because there's no atmosphere for it to wear down and smooth out against

infernal machines posted:

i'm sure it's fines

The Glumslinger posted:

Arglebargle III posted:

Avenging_Mikon posted:

I for one welcome our new overlords whenever, wherever

Pththya-lyi posted:

In the land of Mordor where my hips don't lie

DreamShipWrecked posted:

Christian groups should be happy, if the kid can read that entire line by sight then they are definitely not having sex before marriage.

The Big Word posted:

BattleMaster posted:

lol it's the noid, guessed it in one

prefect posted:

drat, i was guessing it was the papa john's guy

mods change my name posted:

i mean the printing press did have a bit of a smaller audience at the time and was probably the biggest impact on human literacy but no maybe only digital advertising is the only real mass media

EVA BRAUN BLOWJOBS posted:

end nudes

EVA BRAUN BLOWJOBS posted:

You're a 35 year old monk. The hair they didn't shave off your head has all turned grey. Your nose barely brushes the paper as strain-induced myopia slows your work to a crawl. Your spine twisted into a permanent hunch from 25 years of writing after your parents sold you to the abbey. Two painstaking months go by and you produce your life's masterpiece: a full vellum illuminated page, your finest work yet. Your eyes are wide with pride as the noble picks up his order. "Thanks bruh", he says, hastily scribbling "end nudes" on the vellum. With a cry of "HEY WENCH!" he crumples the culmination of the monk's life and throws it at a large breasted milkmaid nearby.

Trig Discipline posted:

that's why i quit doing porn

Powerful Two-Hander posted:

disappointed to see another family business being abandoned by the next generation

naem posted:

Gatekeeper posted:

my favorite compare/contrast between humans and vulcans is their respective gently caress

vulcans repress their feelings so bad that every seven years they become psychotic murderers with a bloodlust quenched only by killing another with their bare hands.... unless they can blast a nasty with their mate. you'd figure if cold blooded up close and personal hands on murder is on one hand, then the raunchiest most explicitly perverted deviant sex must lie on the other hand.

but what do they do? they make finger guns at each other and gently stroke their partners finger guns with their own finger guns, whilst reciting the most dull uninspired "love poems" ever conceived.

humans, however, shrug off the ever-present threat of complete annihilation of every single one of their spaceships (as well as the deaths of everyone on board) by equipping all of their ships with an incomprehensibly powerful unlimited fantasy generator capable of creating nearly anything, such as kersplownching some sentient life into existence on a whim and intuitively going from "wooden conference table" to "futuristic BDSM nightmare torture rack that would even give David Parker Ray the willies" with its only prompt being "um, try metal instead of wood", and why does every single federation ship need more than one of these things, placing such importance on them that they're given their own individual power source to keep them up and running even if every other system on board has gone kaput?

it's literally in their mission statement: to boldly go where no one has gone before. there are no restrictions on this statement. there's no "boldly go to some planet where no one has gone before". going to a nebula, going to a romulan gloryhole, same diffy.

has anyone ever been inside that sentient evil oil slick's dumper before? go on, riker, push that mess. yeah, open your mouth, let it get all up in you. we'll be picking bits of his splooge of evil out of your beard until stardate 42069.

tribbles eat everything, huh? even pussy? yo, Pulaski - drop trou, doc. this one's all you. lady-bones drank poison and then smooshed with worf, her paper comparing the smooshing of klingons with the smooshing of their mortal enemies the tribbles will certainly be a hit in any number of federation medical journals.

speaking of Starfleet medicals peer reviewed articles, the top brass in San Fran just can't stop talking about counselor troi's gripping study of the latent "gently caress machine" paraphilia- pursuing, whilst inebriated, sexual relations with a fully functional man-droid programmed in a variety of dickmoves/fuckstyles, and how this unique psychology might have been shaped by a childhood spent hiding from planet-roving rape gangs. much less tasteful but equally popular (in ferengi holosuites, at least) is the holoprogram "This Ain't Troi's Peer Reviewed Study on That Time When Tasha Had PTSD From The Rape Gang Planet And She hosed Data: An XXX Parody", one of many porn parody titles written anonymously and published by popular holorotica production company 'Willie T Hardcore'.

And that brings it on home to the holodeck: once humanity has shaken itself free from the bondage of war, poverty, bigotry, and every other societal ill, it was only natural for sexual hangups to go down by the wayside as well. true sexual liberation hit humanity like roddenberry's legendary cum tsunami, just as humanity happened upon an entire galaxy of unlimited protuberances and orifices to explore with no shame or guilt but rather enthusiastic atta-boys encouraging every conceivable new sexual experience.

in this future only one rule* exists: bring a fuckin tricorder, because somebody gotta see this poo poo. and that's why holodecks have priority over literally everything else on the shop. picard describes it as "working to better ourselves", a diplomatic way of describing thirsty-rear end humanity as having a thirst for knowledge. we've become a species that has only one true currency - novelty. new experiences, new sensations, new gently caress. and as long as there's a tricorder beepbooping away every time Beverly Crusher lights her grandma's cumcandle and fucks a belly slug, all the Barclays and Geordis, even the insatiable Rikers of the galaxy will get the opportunity to holofuck a holo-belly slug of their very own (or hey, why not holofuck holoBev as a holo-slug for that matter) because, as captain Jean Luc Picard would say, our search for knowledge - carnal and otherwise - contributes to the betterment of all humanity... one petit mort at a time.



*the concept of consent has become so deeply ensconced within the collective unconscious of future man that it doesn't even need to be considered a rule, because no one could imagine sex without it. trek truly is the best possible future for humanity

Hollismason posted:

Wait, Cohen only had 3 clients.That seems odd.

tetrapyloctomy posted:

Not only is it odd, it's prime too.

A GLISTENING HODOR posted:

Nature: "Haha! I'm a jalapeño. I produce a chemical to prevent myself from being eaten by mammals, who can fully digest my seeds."

Human: *chewing angrily*

Nature: "Haha!"

Human: *crossbreeds peppers*

Nature: "Dude..."

Human: *breeds cultivar x500 spicier than jalapeño*

Nature: "Dude, I was just kidding"

Human: *crossbreeds cultivars to produce a pepper x3000 spicier than jalapeño, dedicates life to watching YouTube videos of people eating it*

Nature: "Jesus Christ, man, stop. Please."

Bombadilillo posted:

Peppers release endorphins in your brain, it feels good to eat them.

Phanatic posted:

Getting a shot in the nards releases endorphins in your brain, but very few people seek that out.

Ariong posted:

My dude, have you ever heard of the internet?

The MSJ posted:

Coohoolin posted:

INterestningly enough, the reason for the higher orgasm rate in the Eastern bloc is due to the relative lack of stress caused by not living in capitalist society.

I dated a Russian girl once who was really kinky when we started out but the more attached she got the more vanilla she'd get, because there's the dirty sex you have when you just wanna have fun, and there's the respectful intimate sex you have with someone you have feelings for. It was... Disappointing.

tactlessbastard posted:

Lmfao stress free East Germany oh my god I can hardly breathe

Ghost Leviathan posted:

I like the theory that the Federation, being fully automated luxury gay space communism, is in the habit of building remote science labs and outposts for any grumpy fucker who manages to pass their university courses and has some cockamamie research idea that everyone knows is nonsense just because you want to give everyone a chance


Because it explains SO MANY EPISODES

Jedit posted:

when humanity is extinct and aliens find the Earth they will know that once a species lived here who could have created the Epic of Gilgamesh.

mind the walrus posted:

uh... who do you think wrote the Epic of Gilgamesh?

mind the walrus posted:

uh... who do you think wrote the Epic of Gilgamesh?

ToxicSlurpee posted:

The other side of that is "throw a bunch of poo poo against the wall and see what sticks" is a very good strategy if you have the resources. So if you have a gay space utopia where you can just kind of give everybody whatever they need no questions asked you can just hand a big rear end laboratory to any dingus that wants one. One of them is going to stumble on something incredible along the way. There have been a lot of very large corporations with big science divisions summed as "you guys just like tinker and poo poo here's a budget, just don't spend more than that." Most of the scientists won't come up with anything really cool but occasionally you'll have a guy that invents super glue.

Plus if replicators exist you're going to get people futzing around with utterly random crap just to see what they can get the thing to do. Probably the best way to explain all the insanity that happens in Star Trek is "humans get bored really, really easily." Of course we're going to fly off into space to poke and prod at every damned thing we can find no matter how unsafe it actually is.

Hihohe posted:

I always thought the replicator worked by reconstructing atoms instead of creating matter. So like they have a big block of hydrogen or something that they take from when they want a sandwich.

mind the walrus posted:

uh... who do you think wrote the Epic of Gilgamesh?

Jedit posted:

Are you suggesting that it was aliens?

Jedit posted:

Are you suggesting that it was aliens?

Snowglobe of Doom posted:

Maybe they recycle all the sewerage into sandwiches, kills 2 birds with 1 stone.

The MSJ posted:

fruit on the bottom posted:

We did enslave them and use them to build the pyramids.

elise the great posted:

Had to check and make sure I haven’t already talked about Gandalf breaking up my parents before I

My dad has pretty nasty bipolar disorder with psychotic elements in his manic phases, and tends to fixate on religious and conspiracy weirdness. He spent a while doing e-battle with “satanists” online and getting cursed and drinking heavily about it. He also frickin loves sci-fi and fantasy, and insisted on reading us The Hobbit and LotR, which he loves for their elements of doing battle against evil and saving the world with divine assistance.

My mom has severe depression and anxiety and a bad case of the gullibles, and she jumped right into my dad’s weird obsession with demons and curses and witches and poo poo. Us kids all had horrific night terrors made worse by the conviction that we were literally being assaulted by demons at night. Demons could enter the house and the body through all kinds of things: symbols and pictures in catalogs, gibberish play words that accidentally stumbled upon invocations, accidental inversion of crosses etc. The popularity of Harry Potter was an epidemic of demon possession. I was exorcised for my demonized habit of talking back.

Anyway, Gandalf was a major point of contention as my mom overheard LotR being read. She was already very concerned about all the witch curses and poo poo that my dad’s online enemies were casting on us, and her depression must have seemed plausibly demon-driven to her. My dad’s increasingly frequent rage-outbursts weren’t exactly reassuring. She confronted him about his sin in bringing these wizard books, with their attending satanic hordes, into the house.

No no no, says he, Gandalf is actually an angel. His powers are all from God.

He’s clearly a wizard, says she. Look at his hat.

He’s in disguise! All the wizards are just angels sent by God.

WIZARDS ARE SATANISTS. Are you telling me that the god of LotR is Satan?!

The fight simmered and raged for weeks. Mom found a picture of a Balrog and lost her goddamn mind; Pop found an essay on a forum about Istari and the Kabbalah. Mom called her old pastor, who agreed with her; Pop asked a local pastor to back him up vs his rebellious, defiant wife. Finally Mom realized that her husband, far from the biblical leader that she was meant to submit to, was blatantly trafficking with devils and exposing her children to possession. She packed us up and moved back in with her mom.

She’s since accepted that her marriage was doomed for reasons far beyond witchcraft, although she’s really upset that I choose to have Harry Potter books in my house. She eventually let us watch the LotR movies with our youth group, and we stopped having to hide our fantasy novels, even the Dragonlance ones, as long as they weren’t blatantly occult-looking. But she’s still sore about Gandalf.

sweet geek swag posted:

Well, that explains a lot.

Your Gay Uncle posted:

Samuringa posted:

"I'm trying to include her! I'm trying to include her!", I continue to insist as I slowly am revealed as an anti-semite and turn into an unemployed woman

value-brand cereal posted:

Ah, makes sense roachpatrol is into star trek. They are into incestuous pedophilia, iirc.

Pick posted:

So glad Lent is over so I can finally go back to kissing my cat on the mouth

therobit posted:

Did you give up licking pussy for lent or something?

Hihohe posted:

I always thought the replicator worked by reconstructing atoms instead of creating matter. So like they have a big block of hydrogen or something that they take from when they want a sandwich.

Hihohe posted:

I always thought the replicator worked by reconstructing atoms instead of creating matter. So like they have a big block of hydrogen or something that they take from when they want a sandwich.

Snowglobe of Doom posted:

Maybe they recycle all the sewerage into sandwiches, kills 2 birds with 1 stone.

Mors Rattus posted:

It makes the food taste better and keeps the gremlins out of your carpentry.

Stupid_Sexy_Flander posted:

IIRC there's some sort of replicatior goop that's in the unit that it makes all the stuff from.

Gatekeeper posted:

yeah theres a big storage compartment in the underbelly of every home or building or spaceship and its filled with poopoo and peepee and semen and dirty dishes