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poverty goat posted:Yeah if you wanna be soft I bet he doesn't even have those virgins enthralled so they probably have already broken out blocks in his lair to allow heroes to bypass the main defenses
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Apr 26, 2018 19:17
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Skypie posted:I bet he doesn't even have those virgins enthralled so they probably have already broken out blocks in his lair to allow heroes to bypass the main defenses He's also taking for granted that there are no other evil wizards in the power structure. Personally, I try not to contaminate myself with the mundane too much, their iphones and their daytime tv make the illusion that is my face weaken and suddenly everyone can see my terrible corpse face. As it is, I have control over a pretty big postal route (undead mailmen) and a mini golf course. It suits my needs on the material plane. If I want artifacts, I'll just rob museums or whatever. Why complicate things?
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Apr 26, 2018 20:03
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I own a series of bed and breakfasts along the sword coast and the money I make from charging for condiments more or less covers my whole evil enterprise.
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Apr 26, 2018 22:03
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fruit on the bottom posted:I own a series of bed and breakfasts along the sword coast and the money I make from charging for condiments more or less covers my whole evil enterprise. Do you typically give the first one free but then make sure it's actually more empty than the others, thus enticing them to purchase more?
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Apr 26, 2018 22:54
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Skypie posted:Do you typically give the first one free but then make sure it's actually more empty than the others, thus enticing them to purchase more? Yup. I also offer a rewards card.
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Apr 26, 2018 23:03
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fruit on the bottom posted:Yup. I also offer a rewards card. Bloody hell man, we have Laws ya know.
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Apr 27, 2018 03:42
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poverty goat posted:Yeah if you wanna be soft Shut up! Skypie posted:I bet he doesn't even have those virgins enthralled so they probably have already broken out blocks in his lair to allow heroes to bypass the main defenses Shut up!!!
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Apr 27, 2018 03:42
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poverty goat posted:im guessing all the good skeletons have wandered off or been snatched up already but if anyone's near sweden they just found a whole loving village of 1500 year old vikings who were apparently murdered en masse in their homes and left to rot where they fell. what a loving backstory for a skeleton army, i bet you barely even need magic to get them dancing They are probably already Draugr, those Scandinavians make good undead
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Apr 27, 2018 03:58
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mycomancy posted:Bloody hell man, we have Laws ya know. Yes, yessssss... Keep Them. UltraRed posted:Guys, I just found out how to be an evil wizard on easy mode. Forget necromancy all together. You can just ensorcel the existing power structure. I've done nothing but watch my crystal ball and eat grapes peeled by virgins in my underwear for the past 2 months! This is the life. If you can make the laws (or Laws, Keep Them!) work for you, then you're set. Just make sure there are no loopholes for adventurers to exploit. Be very, very sure. Adventurers are crafty fuckers.
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Apr 27, 2018 10:20
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quote:Archaeologists in northern Peru say they have found a burial site, known as Las Llamas, that contains the remains of 140 children. They were aged between five and 14 when the Chimú empire sacrificed them during a ceremony about 550 years ago as floods ravaged the Peruvian coastline.
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Apr 28, 2018 19:20
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Despite popular belief, Ancient graveyards arnt good for thier bones, Fresh bones make the best skeleton minions. Now the souls that linger in these places, hoo boy. You can power a whole ritual with just one and still have some power to drink up.
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Apr 28, 2018 21:18
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You know what's criminally underutilized these days? Marrow golems. Now, there's a certain level of marrow in an amateur's bone golem, that's to be expected. But a Golem made of pure marrow? Think the T-1000 but stickier. A single marrow golem with access to whatever vents you got laying around? You've doubled that area's challenge rating at least.
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Apr 28, 2018 22:41
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CAPT. Rainbowbeard posted:You know what's criminally underutilized these days? That 2014 era hipster bone broth soup trend made the cost of marrow skyrocket, for the cost of a golem you could start a small profitable artisanal soup restaurant in Portland
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Apr 28, 2018 23:25
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UltraRed posted:Guys, I just found out how to be an evil wizard on easy mode. Forget necromancy all together. You can just ensorcel the existing power structure. I've done nothing but watch my crystal ball and eat grapes peeled by virgins in my underwear for the past 2 months! This is the life. UltraRed is getting hammered in this thread but he is onto something. The SEC hasn't caught up insider trading laws to scrying.
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Apr 29, 2018 19:20
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Lowtax posted:I want to raise somebody from the dead who committed suicide, just to be an rear end in a top hat and laugh at them As long as they register an account I have no problem with a fresh influx of revenants and liches posting on the forums.
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Apr 29, 2018 19:40
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Why settle for a boring ol' stone or bone golem when you can have a golem golem? It can fit through (some) vents, it's fully modular, and it will warm your long dead heart or equivalent when you scry upon some fool smashing your golem into pieces just to get assaulted by multiple minigolems!
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Apr 29, 2018 20:41
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Colonel Cancer posted:Why settle for a boring ol' stone or bone golem when you can have a golem golem? It can fit through (some) vents, it's fully modular, and it will warm your long dead heart or equivalent when you scry upon some fool smashing your golem into pieces just to get assaulted by multiple minigolems! https://youtu.be/XyAh25yD4mU
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Apr 29, 2018 20:50
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You can power some serious soul gems with that much concetrated suffering souls. Anyone got some basic material reading on how to convert a gym into a suffering soul engine power source?
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Apr 29, 2018 21:02
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Golems are fine and all, but lately I've been channeling all my insecurity and ennui into a Depression Elemental. The Book o' Koob by Hermes Gallowsgrape tells us that it is ideal for guard duty and assassination. Apparently I'll need to give it the occasional zap with some lightning whizbang or whatever because they are indolent, messy and full of complaints. This mostly started as a way to exorcise my own loathing but the benefits of a thoroughly depressed homunculus wandering around outside my tower's entrance are obvious. Already village children that have tired of pinning prankish notes to it have suffered the residual effects; their grades in school are suffering, they don't eat much and many are experimenting with drugs and self-harm. If all goes well, the nearby graveyard might see a bumper crop soon. I would thank the ugly beast but I can't look at his face without being overwhelmed with sorrow.
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Apr 30, 2018 03:40
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Bacontotem posted:You can power some serious soul gems with that much concetrated suffering souls. Books are great. But for something like this, you really want the talking skull of an expert. Of course, the talking skull of an expert is my answer to most problems, but I don't think you'll be disappointed. My old teacher's skull is spoken for, but I think I remember where I buried an old comrade and rival. I'm pretty sure he's still dead, but be prepared for a bit of extra work if he's gotten better. I'll send a shade over with the info.
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Apr 30, 2018 04:19
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Talking skulls are the Microsoft Paperclips of necromancy.
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Apr 30, 2018 05:01
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Well sure, once you get good at it, you don't need the skill anymore... just like in every other discipline. Skulls are optional.
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Apr 30, 2018 13:56
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CAPT. Rainbowbeard posted:Skulls are optional. Excuse me, skulls are the reason I went in to wizardry.
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Apr 30, 2018 16:31
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phasmid posted:Excuse me, skulls are the reason I went in to wizardry. Actually the big man on the skull throne, possibly the biggest authority on skulls, is very much not fond of wizards and wizardry 
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Apr 30, 2018 16:56
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phasmid posted:Excuse me, skulls are the reason I went in to wizardry. Yeah, but most people don't need their skulls. They're better off in your possession.
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Apr 30, 2018 17:05
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I'm still learning this stuff. I'm only ninety years old (I just look twenty-seven because I drink unicorn blood - least I was told it was unicorn blood).
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Apr 30, 2018 17:08
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phasmid posted:I'm still learning this stuff. I'm only ninety years old (I just look twenty-seven because I drink unicorn blood - least I was told it was unicorn blood). Unicorn blood is so 1800s, way too many side effects for a modern evil wizard. Luckily for you, I happen to have some spare captured adventurers to transfer consciousness into; basically removes all problems related to the crap you've put in your body, and gives you the ability to go toe-to-toe with other adventurers. Plus you can transfer the adventurer back into your body and watch them pull their hair out trying to convince their ex-friends they're not evil, haha.
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Apr 30, 2018 17:11
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Jon Joe posted:Unicorn blood is so 1800s, way too many side effects for a modern evil wizard. Luckily for you, I happen to have some spare captured adventurers to transfer consciousness into; basically removes all problems related to the crap you've put in your body, and gives you the ability to go toe-to-toe with other adventurers. Plus you can transfer the adventurer back into your body and watch them pull their hair out trying to convince their ex-friends they're not evil, haha. Just place your soul in a phylactery and enjoy being a lich, can't go wrong with the classics
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Apr 30, 2018 17:16
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"enjoy being a lich"? Buddy if I wanted to feel positive emotions I wouldn't be a lich!
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Apr 30, 2018 17:21
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Colonel Cancer posted:"enjoy being a lich"? Buddy if I wanted to feel positive emotions I wouldn't be a lich! I've been practicing my evil lich laugh for literal centuries now(tens of thousands of hours of Skelethor videos). It's definitely something you can enjoy.
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Apr 30, 2018 17:28
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Jon Joe posted:Unicorn blood is so 1800s, way too many side effects for a modern evil wizard. Luckily for you, I happen to have some spare captured adventurers to transfer consciousness into; basically removes all problems related to the crap you've put in your body, and gives you the ability to go toe-to-toe with other adventurers. Plus you can transfer the adventurer back into your body and watch them pull their hair out trying to convince their ex-friends they're not evil, haha. Last time I put my body in to an adventurer, I didn't sedate my original enough. He woke up and as far as I know is still living in my old crumbling keep. I tried reasoning with my guards (forced to slay, wasn't very good at raising strong servants back then) but the wards I had put up were woven so intricately that I'd need a cheat guide to get around them - the cheat guide that was still in the keep. I trudged off through the swamp with a barbarian in my old body laughing at me. He probably won't be able to get out or go in to the basement, but the wine cellar's full of unicorn blood so he's most likely just going to keep the place. I don't know that I'm ready for transferral spells after that experience. Really wish I'd put a limited duration on it, but the recipe for that calls for things that don't exist and some that are extremely racist (old book) so I skipped it like a slacker.
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Apr 30, 2018 17:28
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phasmid posted:Last time I put my body in to an adventurer, I didn't sedate my original enough. He woke up and as far as I know is still living in my old crumbling keep. I tried reasoning with my guards (forced to slay, wasn't very good at raising strong servants back then) but the wards I had put up were woven so intricately that I'd need a cheat guide to get around them - the cheat guide that was still in the keep. I trudged off through the swamp with a barbarian in my old body laughing at me. He probably won't be able to get out or go in to the basement, but the wine cellar's full of unicorn blood so he's most likely just going to keep the place. might be old fashioned but having a codeword that collapses your tower/castle/keep into a ball of ash is still a good idea for situations like these
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Apr 30, 2018 17:30
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phasmid posted:Last time I put my body in to an adventurer, I didn't sedate my original enough. He woke up and as far as I know is still living in my old crumbling keep. I tried reasoning with my guards (forced to slay, wasn't very good at raising strong servants back then) but the wards I had put up were woven so intricately that I'd need a cheat guide to get around them - the cheat guide that was still in the keep. I trudged off through the swamp with a barbarian in my old body laughing at me. He probably won't be able to get out or go in to the basement, but the wine cellar's full of unicorn blood so he's most likely just going to keep the place. Sounds like poor planning on your part. Are you sure being an evil wizard is the right path for you? You might do better as an evil cult leader; even if you plan poorly, generally speaking you can still summon unspeakable evils. Granted you might die in the process, or have your soul ripped asunder by Those Soulless Things, but hey, that's what you get for having a low intelligence score.
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Apr 30, 2018 17:35
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Colonel Cancer posted:"enjoy being a lich"? Buddy if I wanted to feel positive emotions I wouldn't be a lich! as a lich you just gotta find a side hobby. plenty of liches have found happiness aside from unfathomable magic power 
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Apr 30, 2018 17:38
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ferroque posted:as a lich you just gotta find a side hobby. plenty of liches have found happiness aside from unfathomable magic power don't dox me
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Apr 30, 2018 17:43
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phasmid posted:Last time I put my body in to an adventurer, I didn't sedate my original enough. He woke up and as far as I know is still living in my old crumbling keep. I tried reasoning with my guards (forced to slay, wasn't very good at raising strong servants back then) but the wards I had put up were woven so intricately that I'd need a cheat guide to get around them - the cheat guide that was still in the keep. I trudged off through the swamp with a barbarian in my old body laughing at me. He probably won't be able to get out or go in to the basement, but the wine cellar's full of unicorn blood so he's most likely just going to keep the place. Have you considered mustering together a group of foolhardy adventurers to slay the evil wizard in the crumbling castle? I mean you need someone to "disable" the traps at the very least. Just don't get too attached, you'll need to kill/sacrifice/bodyjack the survivors in the end.
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Apr 30, 2018 18:17
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phasmid posted:I'm still learning this stuff. I'm only ninety years old (I just look twenty-seven because I drink unicorn blood - least I was told it was unicorn blood). You know if you drink unicorn blood you will have but a half-life, a cursed life, from the moment the blood touches your lips because you have slain something pure and defenceless to save yourself, right? Halser posted:Just place your soul in a phylactery and enjoy being a lich, can't go wrong with the classics He probably calls it a "horcrux" because he's like, only 90 and still using Babby's First Grimoire. It's "leviOHsa," not "levioSA," by the way. What's everyone's current favorite spell? Mine is "AbrakaFUCKYOU," and I get to use it every generation or so when someone drags themselves out of the dust and ruins to become an adventurer. Always gotta make sure they have descendents or my fun will be over in a couple hundred years.
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Apr 30, 2018 18:28
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CAPT. Rainbowbeard posted:You know if you drink unicorn blood you will have but a half-life, a cursed life, from the moment the blood touches your lips because you have slain something pure and defenceless to save yourself, right? Only if you slay a coaligned unicorn, which is rare, as us Evil Wizards are undoubtedly chaotic. Most unicorns you find will be lawful or neutral and you can slay them without fear of angering Anhur.
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Apr 30, 2018 18:34
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There is nothing chaotic about Evil Wizardry. You must follow The Laws.
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Apr 30, 2018 18:37
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CAPT. Rainbowbeard posted:What's everyone's current favorite spell? Mine is "AbrakaFUCKYOU," and I get to use it every generation or so when someone drags themselves out of the dust and ruins to become an adventurer. Always gotta make sure they have descendents or my fun will be over in a couple hundred years. Not exactly a spell, but I still get a kick out of the "Mario 64 infinite stairs" illusion.
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Apr 30, 2018 18:38
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