- But Rocks Hurt Head
- Jun 30, 2003
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by Hand Knit
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Pillbug
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Well, she's from the UK and OP is American, so... a gun?
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Jun 5, 2018 21:51
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- Adbot
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Jun 4, 2024 19:34
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- value-brand cereal
- May 2, 2008
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My disabled brother [29 M] just announced he is having a child with his partner [33 F] who I suspect is physically and emotionally abusing him. I don't know what to do about this situation.Relationships
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3zcin8/my_disabled_brother_29_m_just_announced_he_is/
quote:Sorry this is going to be a bit of a wall of text, there is quite a lot of background information to this situation. I am at a bit of a loss at what to do and would really appreciate any advice anyone could give me.
My brother has cerebral palsy. He is a kind, generous, and intelligent soul who ultimately wants to do anything he can to help people but is naive due to the sheltered upbringing and special treatment he has had because of his disability. This tends to make him very vulnerable to manipulation and people taking advantage of him.
He has had a couple of relationships but his first girlfriend was very needy and emotionally manipulative and then he was catfished when he was 25. A girl he started chatting to online started a relationship of emotional manipulation and lies. They met up in real life a couple of times but most of their communication was by phone or online messenger. Every time he tried to pull away she would come up with another dramatic lie to keep his attention. She told him she had cancer and epilepsy among other things. My brother believed, or I think wanted to believe her but my mother and I suspected she was lying. She told him she was undergoing chemo but when we met her in real life she still had all her hair, we brought this up with him so he questioned her. She told him she was undergoing a special intense brand of chemotherapy which meant she kept her hair, but on further questioning this story fell apart along with a series of other lies. He finally started to realize she was using emotional manipulation and lies to make him stay and he cut contact with her. He fell into a deep depression for a year, he tried to kill himself twice and was constantly self harming.
We were overjoyed when he met a woman who also had a disability but seemed to be much more mature and independent. She had two children from two previous relationships but my brother loves kids and seemed to get on well with them. However we were alarmed when my brother moved in with them after only being in a relationship with her for two months, we were worried he may be getting himself in too deep too quickly to gain his independence as he had been living at home.
I think my brother feared he would never find love or have a family of his own, so when he met this family he saw an opportunity to have all of that and jumped into the relationship. They apparently needed quite a lot of help so I think he saw an opportunity to be needed and have a purpose.
When I returned home from University last summer my brother and my parents were not speaking as it emerged he had been taking out payday loans using my parents address. He had been unable to keep up with the repayments so my parents had bailiffs knocking at their door trying to repossess items to the value of the debt. My parents offered to entirely pay off his debts if he promised he wouldn't take out another loan, but he said he couldn't promise this and they stopped speaking to each other entirely.
My mum expressed fears that his girlfriend had made him get out the loans to support her and the kids, as he had previously told her that she had often done the same.
I managed to get them talking again and we have made massive progress. My brother has taken out a debt relief order meaning the government will pay off his debts and he can't take out anymore loans.
However, at the beginning of September he came round to the house and told my mum he was considering leaving his partner because she had severe mental health issues, was incredibly controlling, and he couldn't take it anymore. His ear was injured and infected and he confessed to my mum that this was because his partner had bitten him. Apparently she doesn't allow him to get out of bed until she wants to get up, and she had bitten him when he tried to. Apparently she was also hitting him on a regular basis and he was covered in scratches and bruises.
We have been constantly questioning why he is not working, as he has a good degree and used to have a great job but now relies on government benefits. Apparently she has told him he can't get a job because he will be abandoning her and she needs his support. But she has a carer who comes round everyday and cooks them lunch, breakfast and dinner and helps with their chores, my brother seems to pick up the rest of the slack. She has set up a charity where she gets my brother to drive around collecting unwanted clothes and furniture to give to those in need. This takes up most of my brothers time.
She also has cerebral palsy, but from what I can see she is significantly more able than my brother. My brother is very shaky and has difficulty with coordination and movement which is very tiring for him. However she only seems to have problems with her speech and her right hand is stiff, she does not shake at all and her movements are completely controlled. However, my brother is constantly telling us that she needs lots of support, that her condition is worsening, and that her needs come first. He seems to do everything for her and receives no support himself. He has lost all his hair because of how stressed he is, and because he never has time to do any physio anymore he is getting more stiff by the day.
He told us that she is incredibly paranoid and needy because both her previous partners left her with their kids which she then had to look after by herself, and worried that he also will leave which is why she behaves as she does.
He now insists that she has stopped physically assaulting him and that she has changed. He tells us they are both receiving counselling and she has agreed that he may be able to go back to his old job. I honestly want to believe that their relationship could work but I worry that he wants so badly for this relationship to work, not to be alone and to have a happy life that he is in denial and hiding the truth from us.
My mother contacted social services when she first heard about the abuse and a support worker went round to try and subtly assess the situation under the guise of assessing what help the government could give my brother. She apparently took my brother into a room to speak to him privately and my brothers partner barged into the room and demanded to know what they were speaking about and insisted she should be present. My brother asked if she could wait and he would speak to her later and she apparently slammed the door and sat outside waiting for them to finish. The support worker informed my mum she is pretty sure the abuse is still going on.
We find it difficult to get in contact with him, we won't hear from him for weeks at a time and if we try and arrange to see him he often tells us he is too busy. We are worried his partner is deliberately making him cut off contact with us, and also that he is avoiding us because he knows we will question him about things he doesn't want to acknowledge. If he does come round to see us she is constantly ringing him demanding that he returns home.
Around this time my brother told me in confidence they were trying for a baby. I had a lengthy chat with him expressing my worries about his financial situation (and privately worrying she was trying to trap him into staying with her) and strongly advising him to wait a few years until he was in a more secure situation. He told me that she wanted to get on with having a child as she was getting older and was worried she wouldn't be able to have another one. I advised him there were plenty of options to help them have a child at a later point such as freezing her eggs, but he was adamant that this was what she wanted so it had to be so.
He came around today and told us they are expecting a child. We expressed our happiness for him but also had a lengthy chat with him expressing our worries about his financial situation but he assured us they will make do on the benefits they receive. He had bite marks along his forearm which my mum asked him about, which he said was from play fighting with the kids, but we worry they are from his partner.
This is a very confusing, upsetting and complex situation. I want to be happy and excited that I have a new niece or nephew coming but I am worried for my brothers mental and physical health, and also for the child's. My brother is an adult, and I have always been the first person to fight for his independence and tell my parents that he has to make his own decisions. However I fear that he has been pressured into this situation, and that if his partner is still abusing and controlling him this is not a situation to bring a child into.
If anyone has any experience with something like this then any advice would be appreciated.
tl;dr My disabled brother is having a child with a woman who has physically assaulted him in the past and emotionally manipulated him into getting into debt. He insists the abuse has stopped but I fear she may still be abusing and controlling him and is having his child to make him stay.
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Jun 5, 2018 21:57
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- therobit
- Aug 19, 2008
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I've been tryin' to speak with you for a long time
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It's amazing how low the barrier for entry is for cosmic signs telling you to start loving someone but the signs for telling them to gently caress off are sooooooo much higher. It's like those spike barriers you drive over but cant back up without ruining your tires.
Holy poo poo this is the perfect analogy.
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Jun 5, 2018 22:02
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- Pick
- Jul 19, 2009
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Nap Ghost
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Disabled folks have a whole world of relationship insanity
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Jun 5, 2018 22:39
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- boner confessor
- Apr 25, 2013
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by R. Guyovich
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Skyrim, sex, and a very confused gf...
its not cheating
but downloading violent sex mods for an eight year old game is somehow worse than cheating
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Jun 5, 2018 22:40
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- christmas boots
- Oct 15, 2012
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To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out
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Biscuit Hider
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Yeah, I feel like there’s two separate issues there.
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Jun 5, 2018 22:41
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- flick my Mr. Bean
- Nov 18, 2014
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Me [36M] and my wife [34F] in an open relationship; she's mad that I'm sexually exclusive with another woman [30F].
Here's the problem though. About 3 weeks ago, my wife tried, for the first time in YEARS, to initiate sex with me. I was absolutely floored. I stopped my wife, reminded her that AT HER REQUEST that "sex was no longer part of our marriage," and that I had agreed to be sexually exclusive with someone else.
I can't begin to imagine how satisfying it must have been to shut her down after years of rejection.
My fiancé (25M) is on a "health" kick and it's kind of scaring me (24F). Am I overreacting? How do I talk to him about this?
His concrete goals are to be able to run a mile in less than 7 minutes, and to... I cringe a little just typing it... have abs.
Unsurprising a self-proclaimed "foodie" thinks a seven minute mile is absurd.
flick my Mr. Bean fucked around with this message at 22:56 on Jun 5, 2018
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Jun 5, 2018 22:49
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- Cough Drop The Beat
- Jan 22, 2012
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by Lowtax
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Skyrim, sex, and a very confused gf...
It's not cheating... but I'd have a nice, long talk with your boyfriend and wonder what's wrong with him for beating up sex slaves in a video game! What a creep.
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Jun 5, 2018 22:53
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- MarcusSA
- Sep 23, 2007
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Skyrim, sex, and a very confused gf...
Mods were a mistake.
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Jun 5, 2018 22:54
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- Midnight Voyager
- Jul 2, 2008
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Lipstick Apathy
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The first time I saw Casablanca I found myself tearing up a little bit... at the part of the movie where they blast the Nazis out of the bar with a giant chorus of La Marseillaise
That was weird
Many of those actors were actual refugees from actual Nazis. That poo poo was genuine.
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Jun 5, 2018 22:56
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- A Wizard of Goatse
- Dec 14, 2014
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its not cheating
but downloading violent sex mods for an eight year old game is somehow worse than cheating
look contractually cheating and abuse are the only valid causes to break up with someone so if you can't build a case it's one of those before a judge you're just SOL
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Jun 5, 2018 22:58
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- therobit
- Aug 19, 2008
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I've been tryin' to speak with you for a long time
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look contractually cheating and abuse are the only valid causes to break up with someone so if you can't build a case it's one of those before a judge you're just SOL
*Looks at list of things Tumblr considers abuse*
Shouldn't be a problem.
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Jun 5, 2018 23:02
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- flick my Mr. Bean
- Nov 18, 2014
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*Looks at list of things Tumblr considers abuse*
Shouldn't be a problem.
listing all your partner's failings (including being abusive) is abuse so good luck in court
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Jun 5, 2018 23:05
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- boner confessor
- Apr 25, 2013
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by R. Guyovich
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Seriously, this lady is the worst. Get your loving brain fixed! TRY!
she took the easy way out (neglecting basic relationship maintenance and outsourcing same) and is now upset that her husband built a happier life without her
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Jun 5, 2018 23:07
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- A Wizard of Goatse
- Dec 14, 2014
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Skyrim, sex, and a very confused gf...
you left out the best part
quote:Uhh, is he masturbating to it? Or is he doing it for shits and giggles? quote:As an avid modder that has followed Bethesda modding scene from Fallout 3, yea this mod is pretty popular. Honestly it's not as disturbing as you describe. There are naked women every, there are "indications" of brutality, but you cannot brutalize the women (as there are no interactions you can do to them unless you just straight out kill them with an arrow or a blade) and the most you can do is make a bunch of women fight in a small arena. Unless your boyfriend is spending hours just staring at these women and in an extreme case masturbating to them, I wouldn't really consider this cheating as it's always nice to have pretty girls in your game rather than the ugly vanilla ones quote:It isn't cheating, you are overreacting. If you can't "accept" it, you need to break up with him and move on. Busting his chops over this and being the possessive, controlling girlfriend is going to get you nowhere.
Married to a gamer and while he doesn't do any modding like that to his games, you just have to understand it's a hobby and not real. If his fake dungeon sex romps start interfering with your actual sex life, then say something, but otherwise let him enjoy his games. quote:What mods is he using? I want to beat up some sex slaves!
It sounds like you are a huge idiot who has no idea what the gently caress is going on. Video games make kids violent! He's beating up sex slaves in his game! lolol. That isn't happening.
come get relationship advice from, the normal forum, full of normal people with normal brains
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Jun 5, 2018 23:07
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- Bored
- Jul 26, 2007
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Dude, ix-nay on the oice-vay.
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Don't call me daddy unless you want me to be a burden on your life for 18 years.
LOL
Unrelated: Where's the quote in your avatar from? Is it actually a line Hugh Jackman said in a movie I didn't see? 'Cause it makes me giggle whenever I imagine him saying the line.
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Jun 5, 2018 23:12
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- tactlessbastard
- Feb 4, 2001
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Godspeed, post
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Fun Shoe
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It's not cheating... but I'd have a nice, long talk with your boyfriend and wonder what's wrong with him for beating up sex slaves in a video game! What a creep.
It's not cheating and she should run like a scalded dog
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Jun 6, 2018 02:44
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- Dunning Krugerrand
- Dec 23, 2015
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purestrain pyrite
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Can you guess the buried lede just from the title? I did! she's pregnant
My wife [27F] of 2 years told me [29M] to leave tonight because I don’t want to clean the cat’s litter box multiple times per day and she won’t listen to any of my other suggestions. I’m kind of at a loss of what to do here.
quote:Tonight after a great day with my wife spent at a local food festival and out running errands she told me to leave. I’m currently writing this from my buddies place on my phone so I apologize for any formatting issues.
Basically what happened was that I was sitting at the kitchen island with my iPad while my wife was making dinner. I was alternating between talking to her and checking out my news reader. She asked me to change the cat’s litter as she could apparently smell it when she came in from the garage. I told her that I changed it before we left (I changed it in the morning when we woke up) and that I would change it later but I didn’t want to do it before dinner. She starts going off at me telling me that she doesn’t want to “smell poo poo” while she’s eating and basically escalated from there.
Her sister stayed with us over Easter long weekend and cleaned the litter box for my wife and the cat multiple times in a day. Ever since then my wife had been a bit annoyed with me if it’s not done instantaneously. I get that the smell bothers her, but if it’s really this bad maybe we just need to get rid of the cat. We live in a bungalow with no basement and she just needs to accept that the price you pay for having an indoor cat is sometimes smelling cat litter.
It’s not even that bad if you wait a day or two between changing it so I don’t know how she smells it pretty much immediately. Anyway, I suggested that we maybe look at rehoming the cat (potentially just until she’s done being pregnant and breastfeeding) and she went on and on about getting rid of a family member, abandonment, animal cruelty etc.
I then suggested that the cat go outdoors sometimes (bring him in at night) as a compromise. That would obviously solve the problem of frequency of needing to change the litter box. She flew off the handle about this because the cat being indoors only was her condition of us getting the cat in the first place. I grew up with plenty of cats that went outside but she had only one indoor cat growing up and she thinks indoor cats are the only way to have cats. I agreed to this because I really wanted a cat and apparently she wouldn’t be able to sleep or ever relax if we had an outdoor cat cause she would wonder where he was and worry about him.
I understand her not wanting to get rid of the cat because I don’t really want to either. But I don’t really understand the outdoor thing because it seems pretty clear to me that it would solve a lot of the problems about the litter box. So I told her that and she gets mad at me for going back on my word about the cat being indoors only and then she brings up that she always compromises on things but I never do.
So I started getting heated (because that’s not true at all) and told her that once per day is more than enough changing of the litter box and she’s being unreasonable. She interrupted me saying that just because I can’t smell it it doesn’t mean that she can’t, that her sister cares more about her feelings than I do, how dangerous changing the litter box could be for the baby, how I’m selfish etc. And then she started comparing changing diapers to changing litter boxes and saying how I will probably leave our baby in dirty diapers because it won’t bother me and how I’m not the person she thought I was.
After about 15 minutes of us arguing, the food she was making started burning/smoking so she angrily turned the stove off and THREW the whole loving frying pan full of food into the sink upside down and started crying and screamed at me to “leave or I will” and then went off about how she actually can’t leave because she can’t trust me not to put the cat outside. She actually went so far as to pick up the cat and bring him with her to our bedroom and slam and then lock the door. My wife is often dramatic/over sensitive but she doesn’t really yell so I decided to do what she said and just grabbed my keys and left so that things wouldn’t escalate further.
Let me just say that I have never seen my wife throw anything in anger so I know she’s really pissed with me right now. I’m pissed too because of what she was insinuating with changing the baby and stuff but I know it’s probably worse for her cause she’s pregnant. I just don’t want to change the cat’s piss and poo poo within minutes of it happening. I feel it’s super unreasonable of her (or anyone) to expect.
I mean I guess I could just give in and change the cat’s litter box like I’m it’s goddamn butler, but that feels incredibly unnecessary. I grew up with cats my whole life and we changed the litter box a couple times a week or maybe every other day when we had more than one cat.
My buddy said he’s not getting involved with picking sides and told me to get one of those automatic litter boxes. We actually thought about this but we don’t have room in the laundry room. His girlfriend said I am too stubborn and should do what my wife wants because she’s pregnant. That seems really unfair and one sided. Is my wife being as unreasonable as I think she is? Or should I just give in to her demands? Is there some other compromise?
TL;DR My wife [27F] of 2 years and I [29M] can’t come to a reasonable agreement over the cat’s litter box. She wants me to empty it more than once a day. Basically whenever the cat uses it (which it what she usually does). I understand that she isn’t really supposed to clean the litter box while she is pregnant and I’m willing to clean it, but she’s being too controlling over how often. She told me to leave about 4 hours ago and I’m at a loss of what I should do.
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Jun 6, 2018 03:32
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- Benagain
- Oct 10, 2007
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Can you see that I am serious?
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Fun Shoe
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Yeah that lady totally had a moment where she realized who she'd allowed to father a child in her.
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Jun 6, 2018 03:36
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- DragQueenofAngmar
- Dec 29, 2009
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You shall not pass!
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you know something else unfair and one-sided? giving birth
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Jun 6, 2018 03:38
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- Barudak
- May 7, 2007
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I don't understand why this woman who is watching me demonstrate a series of flaws that disqualify me as a good parent to our unborn child would be upset with me. She should be proud that I am a laser guided focused child destroyer.
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Jun 6, 2018 03:39
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- Pick
- Jul 19, 2009
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Nap Ghost
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Yeah that lady totally had a moment where she realized who she'd allowed to father a child in her.
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Jun 6, 2018 03:40
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- DragQueenofAngmar
- Dec 29, 2009
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You shall not pass!
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also lol yes it does smell, scoop the litter morning and night you degenerates (i own cats)
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Jun 6, 2018 03:43
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- Pick
- Jul 19, 2009
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Nap Ghost
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Yeah omg scoop in realtime
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Jun 6, 2018 03:45
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- Absurd Alhazred
- Mar 27, 2010
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by Athanatos
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Just attach a diaper to the cat.
Just attach a diaper to OP
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Jun 6, 2018 03:47
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- Pick
- Jul 19, 2009
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Nap Ghost
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No, OP should be an outside human.
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Jun 6, 2018 03:51
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- Barudak
- May 7, 2007
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This is why you spay and neuter your pets!
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Jun 6, 2018 03:53
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- Barudak
- May 7, 2007
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Thats what I said?
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Jun 6, 2018 03:56
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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Jun 4, 2024 19:34
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- Pick
- Jul 19, 2009
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Nap Ghost
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i'ma also tell you bout thing
"but it's so expensive!!"
yes but your house doesnt smell like pee any mor. this litter is the litter of kings, gods, exalted worshippers
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Jun 6, 2018 03:56
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Jun 5, 2018 21:51
Cat Army 
i like nice words
