Ziv Zulander posted:

Support your so's garbage art by pretending to like it, or by critiquing it so they'll get better?

Brother Entropy posted:

asking a romantic partner what they think of your art is an act of aggression

tactlessbastard posted:

you're calling the essential social grease for all of human civilization super condescending

Brother Entropy posted:

you can get critique from all kinds of people, your job as a partner is emotional support

Brother Entropy posted:

you can get critique from all kinds of people, your job as a partner is emotional support

Ziv Zulander posted:

Which is why it's a good idea to go to your partner for criticism, because you know their advice will be constructive

Huntersoninski posted:

If all he wanted was criticism, he could've just accepted what she said and never told her it was actually his. That seems more like he just wanted a reaction, like, gotcha! I've tricked you into doing a thing you've made it clear you didn't want to do! Neenerneenerneeener!

If all he wanted was feedback, he got it. He tricked it out of her. He could have left it at that. It's not like he's going to be raking in cash or getting major publicity for his apparently super lovely music that she's going to come across in the wild and he's going to have to cover for.

Brother Entropy posted:

asking a romantic partner what they think of your art is an act of aggression

quote:

u/helpthrowout10
We’ve been dating for 6 months. He called someone a human being at school today, I got mad at him because, well, that’s kinda rude. I told him it wasn’t okay to say that, to which he told me “I don’t have a problem with dykes, only guy-on-guy.” He knows I am bisexual and has for a long time. He proceeded to tell me how disgusting gay people are and that he would kill them all if he could.

I was really hurt by this comment and although I know he has violent tendencies, none are toward me, but it’s still alarming. I have been ostracized and bullied for being bi so of course this hurts me. When I was visibly upset, he poked fun at me, saying “why do you have to be so mad?” in a sarcastic kinda tone.

Later on, he texted me “it is what it is, I can’t change how I feel and found you girl” then followed up with “nvm wrong chick”. He wouldn’t tell me what it was about and that was kinda alarming. He told me later “I’m sorry for making you mad” and then refused to come home with me, we made plans yesterday. How do I handle this? I’m really hurt. What can I say to him?

tl;dr boyfriend is very homophobic, texts me something meant for “another chick” and brushes it off then half rear end apologizes. what do i even say to him?

edit: i do really care about him is the problem. i’ve known him for two years and he is the only person who takes patience and time to understand me, especially w my depression! but i’m the only person he shows this good and caring side to.

Milotic posted:

If real, I’d nope out of there as soon as possible if I were you

My [16F] boyfriend [17M] told me today that he wish he could kill everyone who is gay. I am bisexual.

quote:

he has violent tendencies, none are toward me

Admiral Ray posted:

Khazar-khum posted:

While you're at it, you might want to ask your Mom's opinion of your work, too. Just hope she still thinks you're 3 and will put it on the refrigerator door.

duck trucker posted:

I dunno what her problem is. I make more money per hour then she does.*





*I work 6 hours a week and she works 50

Milotic posted:

If real, I’d nope out of there as soon as possible if I were you

My [16F] boyfriend [17M] told me today that he wish he could kill everyone who is gay. I am bisexual.

Barudak posted:

You know scorpion and the frog reasoning only works if the scorpion hasnt lined up a side frog

Pick posted:

Support your so’s garbage art jfc there’s no truth anyway and no such thing as objective quality

quote:

We used to make out back when we were in love. But we haven't been in love like that for 15 years. I started getting sick of kissing her all the time when it felt gross to me. Eventually, after a few years I confessed to her that I didn't like the way we kissed, but she didn't want to try anything different. After that she started slowly stopped being into kissing me as well. Now we hardly ever kiss and when we do it feels totally forced.

Now that's not to say passion is totally lacking. We still have regular sex. But the kissing is horrible.

I feel like our kissing is just bad. Just objectively bad. No one would like to be kissed be either of us the way we kiss each other. IMO it's my wife's fault. I have tried to change up the way we kiss. She doesn't like any tongue at all, and she doesn't use tongue. But I'm all for french kissing. Is it normal for someone to never be into french kissing? No amount of trying it, asking to try it, asking her what she likes, or asking her to tell me what is good while doing it has worked.

I also hate the way she kisses in general. She holds her lips slightly apart and then doesn't move them at all. It's sort of like kissing a dead person. It's bad and we just avoid kissing. When we do kiss it feels like it lasts forever. Sometimes I even think about how bad it is and sort of count the seconds until it can be done.

I'm pretty sure she likes kissing more than I do. I think she likes the way we kiss. It went a little sour after I told her I don't enjoy it. But I still think she is more into it than I am.

TL;DR: I don't like kissing my wife. Is it her unwillingness to branch out into new kissing territory? Is it that it's just normal for married couples to back way way off on kissing? We probably kiss 2-3 times a day. Are we just bad kissers?

fruit on the bottom posted:

Like and share if you remember “kissing”. Good memories all around.

Me [35 M] with my Wife [31 F] of 15 years, Our kissing is not good. Are we just bad at it, or is it something else?

Jeffrey of YOSPOS posted:

Yeah it's super condescending to lie and say "oh yeah it's great sweetie" while withholding your actual thoughts. That's super patronizing - if you don't feel comfortable giving your unfiltered opinion because I'm your boyfriend, say "I don't feel comfortable giving my unfiltered opinion because you're my boyfriend". I'd still go on to say that's silly and I want you to do it anyway and I wouldn't particularly *want* to date someone who refused. I don't think it's a dealbreaker but having negative thoughts about me that you're unwilling to vocalize is certainly a communication skills red flag.

Xombie posted:

Before, he had a girlfriend who cared about his feelings and wanted to encourage him. Now he has no girlfriend and the objective knowledge that he sucks. It doesn't sound like he came out on top with his plan, here.

Xombie posted:

Before, he had a girlfriend who cared about his feelings and wanted to encourage him. Now he has no girlfriend and the objective knowledge that he sucks. It doesn't sound like he came out on top with his plan, here.

Clark Nova posted:

This is like a slightly more coherent version of the story about girls who put their hair up in ponytails but didn’t

Ham Sandwiches posted:

I am not sure why some people equate infantilizing people and straight up lying to them to preserve their fragile self respect because they can't handle the truth as some kind of respect or kindness.

because holy poo poo that's not what it is. It's contempt with nice window curtains.

Jeffrey of YOSPOS posted:

If she actually cared about his feelings, she'd care about his desire for genuine feedback instead of presenting transparently insincere and generic praise. Now he can go meet a nice new girl who will be able to give thoughtful and constructive criticism and won't lie to placate feelings that he doesn't have.

quote:

My wife (23) and I (23, male) have been married for three years. Tonight, we had a serious fight because I decided not to cave and "explain" myself to her. This issue has come up several times before. Here is what happened.

We're enjoying Ghost Protocol, and she gets all bothered by a low cut dress worn by one of the characters towards the end. My wife pulls away a bit, makes a comment that the dress is awful (because of the cleavage it reveals) and comments that this sort of thing bothers her.

Here is where she gets mad at me: she says I didn't appear as perturbed as she does, which upsets her further. In the past, I would look away from the screen after she explained how much it bothers her that I watch these scenes. But tonight, for whatever reason, I didn't think to. Probably because it's harmless cleavage.

She demanded that I justify this and explain why I didn't look away, and why I was okay with watching it. And I told her I wouldn't. Rather, I told her if it would make her feel better, I just wouldn't watch movies thats showed cleavage anymore. I made some more inflammatory statements like that, both out of frustration and out of an effort to make her see how wrong I thought she was.

She accused me of being extreme, and I told her she was the one with extreme opinions.

I think she is being over-sensitive. I make it clear to her that don't ogle and drool over women. I make it clear that I find the objectification of women a worthless feature, despite its frequency in media. I make it clear that I'm not hooked or lured by the promise of sexual content, as often advertised to be waiting in movie trailers and the like.

If my opinion is true, that she is over-sensitive and has unfair/unrealistic expectations, how can I convince her of this?

TL;DT My wife gets mad at me when I don't "look away" from the screen when there are images of immodest or sexualized women. I think she is over-sensitive and extreme in this expectation. Tonight it came up (while watching Ghost Protocol), and I told her I don't have to justify myself. It ended with her going to bed in tears and me staying

quote:

[–]Oriasi 25 points 6 years ago

Are you both religious? Has her background in any way made her believe that women who wear revealing clothing are bad people/sluts/etc?

This seems pretty unfair and also weird. Does she mind girls in bikinis when you guys go swimming together? What about magazine and catalogue models in skimpy clothes or girls in summer dresses walking past you?

If this is a truly moral issue for her, she probably won't change (but then again you probably knew she had it when you married her, no?). If it's something to do with self esteem then she needs to talk to someone - her self esteem shouldn't be affecting your life or causing arguments in your relationship.

Good luck!


[–]fakermcfakerson [S] 23 points 6 years ago

I think it might be a little bit of both.

We both come from Christian homes. Immodesty was frowned upon, and all boys struggled with "lust issues". My wife doesn't make judgements towards people. Its not about labeling them as bad or slutty, but that I am "okay" with putting myself there. Now I'm atheist/agnostic and she's questioning her faith but still describes herself as a Christian.

We don't swim together... I don't know if I want to go to the beach. I think it would just cause problems. I don't read catalogues... girls walking by? Never really been an issue. But to her a movie is different because I am electing it, and I am watching those scenes.

So yeah, probably a bit of both moral and self esteem. Maybe we'll look into therapy, though we're strapped for cash.

Ham Sandwiches posted:

I am not sure why some people equate infantilizing people and straight up lying to them to preserve their fragile self esteem because they can't handle the truth as some kind of respect or kindness.

because holy poo poo that's not what it is. It's contempt with nice window curtains.

quote:

So background on this, I've been seeing "Mandy" for about 3 months. She is a very cool, very smart with a really good job and working her way up in her company. It also helps that she is by far the best looking girl I've ever been with. I really, really like her.

I know that Mandy played volleyball on a scholarship in college and even did some post college things like pro beach volley ball and I don't know for sure but she may have tried out for both the regular and beach volleyball national teams. I'm a huge sports fan but I honestly don't know enough about volleyball to know exactly how it works but I know she was/is very good.

She's in a local club beach volley ball league and last night for the first time she invited me to come watch. She forewarned me before the game that she turns into a different person on the court. I had no idea it would be as bad as it was. Think Walter Sobchak when Smokey crossed the foul line...except for an entire game. I mean she screamed at the other team and did like the old "in your face" thing, told them they would lose teeth to her spike, etc... The ref's were mostly high school kids and she cursed at them, she told her teammate how stupid he was and even said "I'm going to bury you in the this f---- sand if you don't get your head in this." She was even warned by the owners of the complex that they had already warned her this season and any more "conversations" would result in she being banned from playing. That caused her to cut out the cursing but she was still overly amped up for what seemed just like a normal weeknight volley ball game to most people.

So basically, with the picture I've painted here...is this a massive red flag or is this just her competitive nature showing itself?

She is ordinally very sweet to me, and other than some "joy" she got out of firing an employee a few weeks ago, the volley ball outburst was totally out of character or her.

Red flag or just competitive?

tl;dr: the girl I've been dating was out of control at her club beach volleyball game last night, so much so that she had to be warned by the owners of the complex that she could be banned. Is this a red flag or just here competitive nature coming through?

quote:

Hi! I’ll try to make this quick. Thanks for anyone who reads!

My [21F] boyfriend [26M] of a year recently revealed to me that I’m not the most attractive of his girlfriends. I know he thinks I’m pretty and is attracted to me, but I guess I feel a bit hurt that he’s not completely taken by me.

We’ve discussed these issues pretty honestly, and sometimes the honesty is painful. I really think I’m a 7/10 or so. I’m definitely cute, but not “hot” and I believe that to be objectively true. So should I really take any issue with my boyfriend being honest about that? I don’t blame him, but it still is a huge bummer. He definitely shows his love physically and emotionally often. But I hate the knowledge that I’m not “the best of the best” to him and I suppose that’s immature of me.

He also expressed he struggles with sexualizing woman Often, as in he does it. I feel threatened, now, when I see really hot people. He said part of the appeal of being with me was that I wasn’t an overly sexualized individual and that the things he values in me are more important to him and he wants to be better in that way. That sounds lovely, yeah? So why am I wrapped up in thinking he’s not attracted enough to me and why do I feel like....not good enough physically for him?

He’s brought up that my being overweight throughout our relationship is a factor in his attraction, he thinks. I’ve lost a lot of weight while being with him and we’re both proud of it. I’ve felt confident in my body until this conversation and now I feel a bit sensitive.

He agrees with and supports my idea that he needs to be more genuine in his efforts to bolster my confidence with me, instead of having these difficult and sensitive conversations right now until i feel comfortable again. So I don’t think it’ll come up unless, again, I bring it up. But it all is consuming my thoughts a bit.....

Is this silly? Or is it understandable that the truth hurts and i need to see deeper in our relationship and get past this? I feel sad.

——

tl;dr: BF says I’m not “hot” but I’m very pretty. I worry I’m not attractive enough for him, but I don’t want to ruin this lovely thing with him because of my own insecurities. What do I do to comfort myself and change my mindset? Is that the best thing to do?

quote:

To give some context, me and my girlfriend have been dating for about a year after meeting in college. This is my first real relationship whereas she's had long-term relationships before. We have been long-distance for about 2 months and will be for another 2, but there's a pretty serious time difference between us right now - 9 hours, so contact is unfortunately quite limited to occasional Skype calls and intermittent text messages. My girlfriend is an up and coming ballet dancer and currently doing a summer programme at a prestigious ballet company. As part of this programme, she's doing a lot of dancing with male partners and I'm struggling with feelings of jealous and insecurity.

My girlfriend is conventionally attractive and has what some could describe as a 'flirty' personality and so naturally gets a lot of attention from guys. I'm a great guy in a lot of respects and I have a lot going for me - but I'm not the type of person who just effortlessly gets women, if that makes sense. I've always had some underlying issues with jealousy/insecurity in this relationship - although have generally dealt with them pretty well. This is mainly because she doesn't give me many reasons to worry - we're both very big on monogamy, and she's very against 'casual' relationships. Despite having had relationships in the past, I'm the only person that she's been 'intimate' with. The relationship in general has been great and I'm grateful to have her as a best friend.

My girlfriend recently mentioned to me how much she was enjoying the ballet programme - and talked a lot about how great it was to do such intense partnering with tall, strong male partners. I'm really happy that she's growing as a dancer, but these comments are a little difficult for me to take. I'm of average height and pretty skinny. My girlfriend mentioned in the past that she used to exclusively date tall guys, but came around to shorter men for a bunch of different reasons (e.g. she feels kissing is a lot more intimate and less awkward). Nonetheless, when me and my girlfriend are intimate, I'll play the dominant role and she'll comment on how I'm tall and strong. Even though I'm not particularly so, I guess I am from her perspective as I'm still a fair bit taller and considerably stronger than her. However, the male dancers at this company really are these super-muscular giants and the dancing that they do is generally half-clothed and super sensual/intimate. I can't help but feel insecure that she'll start to view me as less attractive, or that I won't excite her in the same way that these guys might.

I think these insecurities are amplified because of an incident that we had earlier on in the relationship. We sometimes pretend that I'm 'partnering' with her for a ballet just for laughs or comedic effect - it's impossible for me to lift her up by the waist over my head just using my hands. One time, shortly after we did this, I did something annoying (something minor like not sharing a snack with her, I forget) and she commented that a 'real man would be able to lift her up properly'. She was just teasing, but this comment really angered me and it turned into a big fight. It was also very unbecoming of her because I never feel pressured to act a certain 'masculine' way in front of her.

When I recently tried to bring up how her comments about her partnering on the programme made me feel (although I never brought up the 'real man' comment), she got quite angry. She said that it's insulting for me to think of her art and only wonder how she feels sexually about the men she's dancing with. I see where she's coming from - I really do - but at the same time, I wish she could understand that as much as I might try, I'm not going to absorb her decade-plus knowledge and understanding of ballet in a year and that I'm only human. In a sense, her position is comforting, because I know that she's so absorbed in the artistry of dance that she really isn't paying attention to anything else. She's also said that she would never date a dancer because she often finds them insufferable. But I still can't help but still feel insecure.

I'm anxious to bring up this conversation topic again because I feel like the more I push the idea that these other guys give me reason to be insecure, she'll get the idea in her head that they're 'better' than me and it'll be something of a self-fulfilling prophecy. In fact, I'm already a little worried about this happening because of our initial conversation - although this is just me being an over-thinker rather than a real concern.

I know deep down that I'm just as good as these guys, but I still feel a bit poo poo for some reason. I'm feeling a little stuck on how to unpack these negative feelings that I'm dealing with without directly involving my girlfriend. Any thoughts or advice? Apologies for the massive paragraphs!

Tl;dr - Girlfriend and I generally have strong relationship, but off-comment she made in the past + long distance + her current dancing situation is making me quite insecure and I'm not sure how to handle it.

Ham Sandwiches posted:

I don't know who the gently caress Walter Sobchak is

quote:

I’ll explain. I’ve recently caught him in 2 lies. I was with someone before who constantly lied to me, and I explained to my fiancé from the very beginning I cannot take being lied to. Now we are about to get married and I want to make sure that he has been truthful and faithful to me before walking down isle.

When we were dating I lived on my own while he still lived at home. I was never invited to his home and didn’t know where he lived for over a year. It took me speaking up saying how it’s weird that he’s met all my family etc. while I haven’t met his mother or anyone in his family, or been to his home! Only after that did he set up a time to meet his mom. He also went out one night with a long time male friend of his whom I STILL haven’t met to this day. He Seems so secretive.

He explains that he didn’t invite me to his home earlier because he was ashamed..... Is this a good idea? Should I just take his word that he has been faithful?The two lies I caught him on are so dumb I don’t even know why he lied about them. Reading his past behavior would you consider a lie detector? Seemed as though in the beginning he kept me over here on one side and his life on another.

TL;DR should I just take him at his word that he’s been faithful, or get a test done?

quote:

What he lied over as I explained earlier is really dumb. In causal conversation my friend asked him if he’d ever been to a strip club. Now early in our relationship I asked him the same question and he said no I’d never go into one of those. When my friend asked he said oh yeah I’ve been to a few.

He also told me two different numbers of ppl he has slept with in the past. It’s not a huge amount of ppl so don’t see how he miscounted by 1.

Ham Sandwiches posted:

You can't spell ballet without ball

Me (22M) and GF (20F) of 1 year - girlfriend is in a high-level ballet program where she frequently 'partners' with other men and I'm struggling with jealousy/insecurity


Why do people date ballet dancers if they aren't comfortable dating a ballet dancer,

Ham Sandwiches posted:

Oh man there was a show about lie detectors and if you thought your partner was cheating or lying you could have them submit to the polygraph

It was great watching relationships implode over nothing at all

Anyway I hope that dude gets out safely

quote:

My boyfriend of 2 years whom I have a 6 month old baby to and am about to buy a house with has just confessed that he kissed a girl in a nightclub whilst I was pregnant and went home with her but never slept with her. Obviously I told him it's over this is the second time he has done this, once in the first few weeks that I met him. How could he do this? I need advice so I don't make a huge mistake please. And I am going to lose thousands of pounds with the solicitors as all paperwork for the house is complete. I feel numb!

Update: He is currently undergoing a lie detector test as we speak. Results to follow!

Update 2. He passed all questions. No sexual contact or sexual intercourse with anyone other than me and there is nothing he hasn't told me.

Trying to work it out for the sake of our baby

Ham Sandwiches posted:

You can't spell ballet without ball

Me (22M) and GF (20F) of 1 year - girlfriend is in a high-level ballet program where she frequently 'partners' with other men and I'm struggling with jealousy/insecurity


Why do people date ballet dancers if they aren't comfortable dating a ballet dancer,