google THIS posted:

google THIS posted:

Tantalus: (punching his time card) So, how's the old grind, Sissy? Going to get that big rock all the way to the top today?

Sisyphus: (chewing while also punching his time card) Same ol' same ol'. Mmm, these grapes are good, you should try one.

Tantalus: rear end in a top hat.

Disembodied voice: Mmm, these grapes are good, you should try one.

Tantalus: gently caress off, Echo.

Manifisto posted:

hi corby!

so you've spent the past year going through the welcome hello & chat thread, eh? sounds exciting! care to summarize?

Corby Haas posted:

Something like:

Hi my name is Candy Corn I'm new. -- Hi Candy Corn do yo like cats? -- Cats are cool as heck. I also like fettucini for my favorite pasta noodle. -- Yeah cats are my #1 thing nobody asked about spaghetti flavors but my favorite is farfalle you'll probably fit in nicely. -- I met a cat named Tagliatelle once. -- Hi my name is Rumble n Bumble I'm new. - Hi RnB tell me a fact about your childhood. -- I had a racecar bed. -- No way racecars are cool as heck you'll probably fit in good. -- What number was the racecar? BOBBY LABONTE BOBBY LABONTE BOBBY LABONTE BOBBY LABONTE. -- Hi my name is Magnolium Dioxide my favorite Girl Scout Cookie is a Thin Mint. -- LoL welcome to BYOB MD I was going to ask your favorite GSC but you beat me too it! Personally I love Do-si-dos. Do you ever put Thin Mints in the freezer? It's nice to have you here. -- Don't tell nodody but they makin' S'mores now! Shh!

That's the vibe I caught.

Splatmaster posted:

Cowboy: Right now thar's some dang city slicker readin' on the innernet about me, thinkin' 'bout me, wantin' a be me- well you kin get on an' git because this here's MAH niche an' ya ain't gonna git it, Git it?

Cook: Who the heck ya talkin' ta now, Brett? ya dang moonshine addled sout!

Cowboy (pointing at YOU): Them folks right thar! makin' funna us an' how we think!

Cook: Oh, yeah! Now i see um! Hey, Sheriff! Ain'tcha gunna do sumpin' about that!

Sheriff: Ya'll go on an' get! Yer breakin' the Fourth Wall an' as representative of the LAW roun' here i gotta have yall disperse!

Cowboy: Eh HEHEhe! This sure ain't how I reckoned this day ta end!

Cook (looking at you): Aw don't mind them fellers, they's justa teasin' ya! Go on ahead with yer little joke thing and pay them no mind!

Manifisto posted:

(my own quote included solely for context)

Splatmaster posted:

A woman walks onto a bus holding her baby and the bus driver says "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" Insulted, she walks toward the back and takes a seat. The person sitting next to her says "you're not going to let the bus driver get away with that, are you? Go on and tell him off, I'll hold that big ugly light bulb for you!"

SciFiDownBeat posted:

A young traveler consulted with an old master. "What is the secret to everlasting happiness?"

The master responded, "Go to the summit of the mountain. Retrieve what you find and bring it here, and you will have your answer."

The young traveler spent the next three days scaling the mountain. Athletic and worldly as he was, by the time he reached the top he felt almost completely drained of his energy. All he found at the summit was a simple hut, and inside, a small black wooden box sealed with a lock. Another three days later, he made it back to the old master. The master removed the lock with a key hanging on a string around his neck. Inside lay two really fat blunts.

The old master took one and lit it, and gestured to the young traveler. "Help yourself my dude." The traveler replied, "Lmao," and was enlightened.

Splatmaster posted:

Cubone posted:

Miss Suzie had a steamboat,
The steamboat had a bell,
Miss Suzie's life was empty,
A steamboat wouldn't

Cubone posted:

Help me operator,
The suicide hotline,
If you do not connect me,
I'll down pills with bottled

Cubone posted:

Winding down the day,
Old sitcoms on repeat,
Tomorrow won't be better,
This life has got me

Cubone posted:

Beating off to telemarketers,
How did it come to this?
Passed out in the bathroom,
In a pool of my own

Cubone posted:

Pistol in my mouth,
I'm doing it this time,
Don't you try to stop me,
It's better I just

Cubone posted:

Dicing up tomatoes,
Spaghetti by the ton,
Bag and freeze the leftovers,
Another meal for

Cubone posted:

One day something's coming,
To put it to an end,
When the reaper comes to beckon me,
I'll greet him as a

Splatmaster posted:

Manifisto posted:

google but for couches. amazon but for couches. whole foods but for google. wal-mart but for halliburton. apple but for christianity. snapchat but for particle physics. the concept of "thing, but for thing," but for pizza. adderall. like, where's my adderall. that's not a concept, I just need my adderall

mysterious frankie posted:

I am trying to meditate, memory of a rat's big balls, please stop interfering.

please, I just need five minutes. stop appearing in my mind. no, I do not want to think about a specific rat that I saw once and his comically big balls right now. I am trying to calm my mind and recenter myself.

please stop slowly creeping in from the left to fill the void where my thoughts used to be. no, do not start spinning 360 degrees like a flat image someone is using the rotate tool on.

I admit you are hilarious. is that what you want from me? humor isn't going to help me get ready for this presentation. meditation is. please stop changing colors, variant album covers for Alice In Chains' self titled album style. you are not helping.

master trevor at the rec center never prepared me for this.

mysterious frankie posted:

many years of struggle for self mastery later, sitting cross legged in a temple on the top of a mystical meditation mountain, I wait for the guru to unveil the hidden truth. he produced a wood carving of a rat's big balls.

*freeze screen, audience laughs and claps, different still images from my life play as the credits roll. final shot is me on my death bed, grimacing with my arms crossed*

mysterious frankie posted:

master: what is the sound of one hand clapping?

me: *imagining a rat jumping rope and their big balls flopping up to hit their belly when they leap, then smacking the ground with a loud thud when they descend* uh, wait... what?

mysterious frankie posted:

me: *looks around furtively, sweating* hey, I mean, what ISN'T the sound of one hand clapping, am I right?

cda posted:

lmao

Splatmaster posted:

Bring your own beer
Bring your own mead
If you come here
You can even bring

Be your own boss
Or an Idiot King
It would be awesome
If you brought your own thing!

You can bring your own books
Or your own baggage
Everyone here looks
Like that old adage,

"If you're first time new,
Or you've been here before
Wipe your feet and please leave
Your troubles at the door!"

FutonForensic posted:

Hi thread. I'm a Rural Planning Engineer with 8 years of experience, living in a Scandinavian country that does a much better job of it than whatever shithole you live in. Suck my drat nuts, buddy! Anyway, I want to provide a little bit of insight into what happens in a typical rural reformation.



This is a fairly standard independent farmstead. The problem with these installations is the lack of traffic; it lacks amenities that a forward-thinking populace (not yours) will make use of on a daily basis. First we add a Pizza Hut for attractive, high-energy dining:



Once we draw in the crowds, we boost our retained consumer rate by providing a premium-caliber shopping mall:



A second Pizza Hut is added in case the first one runs out of pizza



Finally, bike lanes:



There you go. A modern metropolis in just four easy ste

City of Glompton posted:

yeah i work in retail

the easiest jobs are bunnies, grab a cotton puff and some glue and bam you're back in business

but monkeys, those guys need their tails, there's no getting away with cheap replacements for them

beer pal posted:

men gather at the end of the aisle and whisper in awe as i confidently take the short cut through the tampons aisle on my way to the frozen pizza

Jolo posted:

Jokes on you, spiders got eight lives

Jolo posted:

And two aces up each sleeve, do not try to bluff em

Jolo posted:

Also they play uno by the book rules, no drawing cards til you have one that'll play, you draw 2 and then it's the next person's turn.

Jolo posted:

If you play Monopoly with a spider, they won't let you put money under free parking. That space is just a free space to park it's not a lottery space.

Jolo posted:

If you play Go Fish with a spider they'll snicker any time they draw an 8. Use this to your advantage.

Jolo posted:

How do I know all of this? *raises 8 hands showing eight forms of ID showing that I'm a spider on each*

*16 aces fall to the floor at my feet*

Splatmaster posted:

Drink-Mix Man posted:

I've got my leather jacket on. Haired freshly died green. Mohawk carefully cultivated. Jeans ripped to shreds. I'm ready.

At the Hot Topic, I muster up my best "don't give a poo poo" face and approach the counter with my prize: the iron-on patch I've been eyeing for weeks.

The clerk sizes me up. Gives me a little "'sup" nod. I return it.

"Anarchy symbol. Nice choice."

"Thanks," I say, feeling slight relief trickling into my brain. This is going well.

"You know, before I ring this up, you should know there are a few rules about how you need to use this."

"Oh yeah?" A little sweat forms on my lip.

"Are you prepared to follow them?"

"Sure, of course."

A moment passes. The clerk shakes her head and slides the patch from my reach, then places it behind the counter.

It doesn't need to be said. I have failed.

I rush out of the store before anyone can see my mascara start to run.

Splatmaster posted:

(Jolo spider posts)

FutonForensic posted:

FutonForensic posted:

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:

May god have mercy on my soul.

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:

Oh no. Something has gone wrong.

Luvcow posted:

*biologist in a hushed voice*: "it's presenting!"

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:

I'm afraid this pear has gone bad.

Android Blues posted:

EVERY MORNING I RISE FROM BED AT 6AM AND BEGIN DUMBBELL EXERCISE AND WALL SCALING. ITS SWIFTLY FOLLOWED BY STUDYING ELECTRICITY, ETC, AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I START PRACTISING ELOCUTION, POISE AND HOW TO ATTAIN IT WITH A BOOK I BOUGHT FROM A COTILLION YARD SALE. I PLAY EVERY SPORT AND I PLAY EVERY SPORT HARD. STUDYING NEEDED INVENTIONS WHEN I CLOCK OUT OF MY GRUELLING DAY JOB OR EVEN WHEN IM AT MY DESK. NOT MANY CAN SAY THEY PUT THE LIE TO THE AMERICAN DREAM BY EMBRACING ALL ITS MOST INTRINSIC PRINCIPLES WHOLEHEARTEDLY BEFORE BEING EVENTUALLY DASHED TO SMITHEREENS BY CRUEL REALITY. I CAN. I SAY IT AND I SAY IT OUTLOUD EVERYDAY TO PEOPLE IN THE 1920S LONG ISLAND SWINGER SET AND ALL THEY DO IS PROVE PEOPLE IN THE 1920S LONG ISLAND SWINGER SET LIVE A LIFE OF HOLLOW EXCESS WHICH I HAVE ASPIRED TO IN ERROR. AND IVE LEARNED THAT THE CHALICE MY HARD WORK HAS RAISED TO MY LIPS CONTAINS ONLY POISON AND IVE LEARNED HOW TO DIE IGNOBly

alnilam posted:

Threadt about great gatsby

Abugadu posted:

HEY JOB, COME OVER HERE

"Can we not do this again?"

IT'S TOTALLY IMPORTANT

"Why are all the angels standing around giggling, I don't like this..."

I NEED YOU TO KICK ME IN THE NUTS AS HARD AS YOU CAN

"I thought we were done with all the bar bets with Satan."

IT IS IMPERATIVE

"Is it? Look, I can see Satan over there nervously twiddling his thumbs, and Saint Peter is holding what looks to be a third-party escrow of... a bag of souls? This is kind of messed up."

YOU HAVE TO KICK ME IN THE NUTS IMMEDIATELY

DO NOT LET YOUR FAITH WAIVER

"It's not a matter of faith, oh Lord, it's that I figured one time was enough for being used as a silly gaming token to make a point about the nobility of belief."

THESE NUTS AIN'T GONNA KICK THEMSELVES

"I really-"

THOUGH I SUPPOSE IT'S NOT ENTIRELY IMPOSSIBLE AS I AM THE LORD THY GOD

"I-"

BUT SELF-KICKING NUTS IS NOT WHY WE ARE HERE

"Yeah, the thing-"

WHAT IS IMPORTANT NOW IS YOUR FOOT AND MY NUTS

"It's obvious what You're-"

GET A GOOD THREE-STEP WINDUP

*sigh* "I don't want leprosy again. Or whatever the celestial version of leprosy is here. Wing-rot?"

maybe he's not testing your faith maybe he's seeing if you can accept things beyond your understanding

"Wait why is Satan giving me advice here? Is he allowed to do that if you're betting? And why is he also wanting to have me kick You in the nuts?"

TRUST IN THE LORD AND PUT YOUR MEAT IN THE MARBLES ALREADY

yeah you should probably do it, it's not going to offend Him in the least

"Shouldn't I do the opposite of what Satan is saying?"

DO NOT BELIEVE HIS LIES

"Well, exactly, I-"

YOUR FOOT AND MY NUTS HAVE A DATE DON'T KEEP THEM WAITING

"That's... a little wei-"

this is way too easy

JOB HAVE YOU NOT LEARNED THE CRITICAL LESSON FROM THE BOOK OF BOFA

"What's Bofa?"

BOFA DEEZ NUTS THAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE KICKING RIGHT NOW

"... okay, here's the thing, I knew that was coming and wasn't going to say anything, but something took hold of my voice just then and made me ask that."

yeah that was me

OH COME ON

i knew it would cheapen the victory

YOU ARE TRULY THE PRINCE OF LIES

"All right, I'm done, I'm not kicking anyone in the nuts, much less my own God. This is beyond inscrutable."

booyah! i win

ME DAMMIT

that'll be one bag of souls, please

YOU HAD ONE JOB JOB

what's the vintage on that bag?

YOU GET ALL THE SOULS OF EVERYONE BORN IN CANADA IN THE YEAR 2023

mmmhmmm that's the sweet syrupy taste of victory right there

INSCRUTABLE MY rear end

more like unscrotable

ONE SIMPLE REQUEST

i'd go all Old Testament on him

DON'T THINK I WON'T

do it for the Canucks

WHAT THE HOCKEY TEAM

no, the Canadians

THE OTHER HOCKEY TEAM

now you're just being an rear end, I know you can tell what I'm thinking when I say it

LOL

Drink-Mix Man posted:

Opinion:

I Am Part of the Resistance Inside the Bowser Administration

I work for the Lizard King but like-minded creatures and I have vowed to thwart parts of his agenda and his worst inclinations.

King "Bowser" Koopa is facing a test to his dictatorship unlike any faced by a modern Mushroom Kingdom leader.

It’s not just that the Mario Brothers loom large. Or that the kingdom is bitterly divided over Mr. Koopa's leadership. Or even that his cabal might well lose the Valley Fortress to an opposition hellbent on his downfall.

The dilemma — which he does not fully grasp — is that many of the minibosses in his own administration are working diligently from within to frustrate parts of his agenda and his worst inclinations.

I would know. I am one of them.

To be clear, ours is not the popular “resistance” of the Toads. We want the administration to succeed and think that many of its policies have already made the Mushroom Kingdom safer and more prosperous.

But we believe our first duty is to this Kingdom, and the king continues to act in a manner that is detrimental to the health of our monarchy.

That is why many Bowser appointees have vowed to do what we can to preserve our magical institutions while thwarting Mr. Koopa's more misguided impulses until he is out of power.

The root of the problem is the King's morality. Anyone who works with him knows he is not moored to any discernible first principles that guide his decision making.

Although he came to power as a Koopa, the king shows little affinity for ideals long espoused by turtlekind: free hammers, free giant boots, and unlimited respawns. At best, he has invoked these ideals in cutaway screens. At worst, he has attacked them outright.

In addition to his mass-marketing of the notion that Nintendo Power magazine is the “enemy of the people,” King Koopa's impulses are generally anti-fair gameplay.

Don’t get me wrong. There are bright spots that the near-ceaseless negative coverage of the administration fails to capture: effective princess imprisonment, historic P-switch reform, a more robust goomba military and more.

But these successes have come despite — not because of — the king's leadership style, which is impetuous, cartoonish, and easily defeated.

From the Crystal Palace to Dark Land Doom Ships and castles, senior minibosses will privately admit their daily disbelief at the Final Boss' methods and actions. Most are working to insulate their operations from his whims.

Meetings with him veer off topic and off the rails, he engages in manic Clown Copter joyrides, and his impulsiveness results in half-baked, ill-informed and occasionally reckless misplacement of items like axes and wind-up Koopa Troopas which can actually be thrown as weapons against him.

“There is literally no telling whether he might change his tactics from one minute to the next,” a top official complained to me recently, exasperated by a World 8-4 meeting at which the king manically bounced up and down, undecided between breathing fire and throwing hammers.

The erratic behavior would be more concerning if it weren’t for unsung heroes in and around the Final Castle. Some of his Koopalings have been cast as villains by the player's guide. But in private, they have gone to great lengths to keep bad decisions contained to the Dark World, though they are clearly not always successful.

It may be cold comfort in this chaotic era, but Mushroom Kingdom denizens should know that there are adults in the room. We fully recognize what is happening. And we are trying to do what’s right even when Bowser the Koopa won’t.

The result is two-track gameplay.

Take foreign policy: In public and in private, King Koopa shows a preference for ineffective small-time bosses, such as Wario and King Wart of Subcon, and displays little genuine appreciation for the ties that bind us to allied, like-minded games.

Astute observers have noted, though, that the rest of the kingdom is operating on another track, one where lands like Subcon are called out for being reskins of pre-existing Japanese games, and where allies in other cartridges are engaged as peers rather than ridiculed as rivals.

On Subcon, for instance, the king was reluctant to expel so many of Mr. Wart’s shyguys as punishment for acting as obstacles in the DK Summit stage of the Wii go-kart races. He complained for weeks about senior minibosses letting him get boxed into further confrontation with Subcon, and he expressed frustration that the Koopa Kingdom continued to impose sanctions on the Dream World for its malign behavior. But his Koopalings knew better — such actions had to be taken, to hold Wart’s Dream Factory accountable.

This isn’t the work of the so-called “Player 1" and "Player 2.” It’s the work of the non-playable characters.

Given the instability many witnessed, there were early whispers within World 8 of invoking the Game Genie, which would start a cheat process for easily bypassing the king. But no one wanted to precipitate a gameplay crisis. So we will do what we can to steer the kingdom in the right direction until — one way or another — it’s game over.

The bigger concern is not what Mr. Koopa has done to the throne but rather what we as a game have allowed him to do to us. We have sunk low with him and allowed our gameplay to be stripped of civility.

Donkey Kong put it best in his farewell killscreen. All sprites should heed his words and break free of the tribalism trap, with the high aim of uniting through our shared programming and love of seeing Mario spinning around randomly until he dies.

google THIS posted:

google THIS posted:

cda posted:

this could legit be on the front page

Jedrick posted:

Ford C.E.O James Hackett steps out onto his penthouse balcony, alone. Detroit rumbles softly far below.

Sure is lonely at the top...

A cold wind blows ripples in the infinity pool as James raises his hands, one to his forehead, and one outstretched to the horizon. Eyes closed, breathing deep.

Return to me, my children.

Manifisto posted:

from the thread "ford recalls two million pickups"

Manifisto posted:

from the thread "ford recalls two million pickups"

Luvcow posted:

my horse was never the same after that night with the stranger, always trying to slyly divert our course back towards that little prairie town, staring stoically off into the distance when we stopped to rest for the night. we grew distant from each other, me not wanting to think that one night meant anything more than a conciliatory gesture of honoring another man's culture, my horse longing for a love she once found. we parted ways in san antonio and it was years later when i was returning east that i ran across them, living on an quaint little ranch they'd built together, their hosed up looking little horse/man kids running around the fields playing.

cda posted:

Gone Fashing posted:

lol

Nosfereefer posted:

i sort of feel its like breaking open a piggy bank, only it tasted like old bong water

Manifisto posted:

pixy stix room in which kim deal chews twigs into a fine powder while black francis freestyles blank verse about aliens