Smirking_Serpent posted:

I (32f) just saw my husbands (32m) of 6 years DM conversations with an Instagram model. They were flirty but I'd say innocent. Does he have a right to a "private" online life or do I need to confront him that I know?

So how do I get into this...so my husband has an Instagram account where he follows mostly snowboarding, surfing and skateboarding related posters. I know he does follow some "cheeky" insta-models but for the most part it doesn't bother me.

So yesterday he was showing me IG pictures that our favorite ski resort had posted of the new chairlift they are installing. I'm not quite sure what I did but however I touched his phone I got to his DMs. Right there on the top was "you replied to misssky_xxxxx…." (not her real Instagram handle). He didn't seem to notice but just sort of naturally took his phone back from me.

My curiosity/jealousy was going crazy so while he was asleep last night I logged into his phone and read the messages back and forth between them. This girl has about 80k followers so I was totally surprised but by all means it seems that she was really messaging him.

It started off when she had made a post that said "looking for someone to travel to Germany with in October, only qualification is not be a creep." He sent her a messages that if he could get permission from his wife he could be free and the fact that he had a wife meant that he wasn't a creep. She apparently thought that was cute and they've been exchanging maybe 3-4 DMs a day back and forth for the last few days. There's nothing explicit at all, in fact she even asked about me and our kids (4 and 2) in fact the worst thing he said was "I've just always wanted to travel Europe with a model. Sort of a bucket list thing." I would say the messages were flirty, but no indication that anything would ever happen if that makes sense.

I honestly don't know how I feel about this. Part of me feels that if we have a trusting relationship, then he should be able to message whoever he wants even on Instagram and there's a world of difference between flirty and explicit.

The other part of me feels like this could be opening the door to much worse things happening and I need to put the kaibash on it right now.

I would love any advice. I'm not a big social media user so a lot of this stuff is foreign to me so I would love any advice and recommendations on how I could or should react in this specific situation. What do I do?

tl;dr: found out my husband shared messages with a model on Instagram and I'm very torn as to what my reaction should be.

quote:

Edited for location: Arizona

A few months ago, my family was traveling in a car. Myself, my wife, our at the time 17 yr old daughter, and our 6 & 7 year old children. An argument broke out and everyone was screaming at everyone else (except the kids). It never got physical. Escalation continues until I start screaming at the 17 year old to "Shut the gently caress up" because she is clearly out of line for cussing and screaming at her parents. This is when the wife (driving) pulls over and leaves the car with the children. I get in the driver seat and take off. I over-steered my U-turn and hit a curb, jumped the median and destroyed my rim. No pedestrians were around and there was no damage to any property other than my own. As I'm changing my tire, a patrol car happens by and inquires if I need help, what happened, etc. They interview the adults and then come back and arrest me for disorderly conduct. Although I'm not sure exactly to what they are referring.

So I go to court and even though I don't believe I've done anything wrong, they offer to dismiss the case (1st offence ever) if I take anger management classes. I accept as it seemed to be the fastest way through this whole thing. Problem is, during my last pretrial conference, before I've had the chance to apply for council, the judge starts asking my all kinds of questions like why I was arrested and tells me that he may not honor the agreement unless I can prove that I've "learned my lesson". But I didn't do anything criminal!

I know my wife will not admit to anyone else screaming because she fears herself or our daughter getting charged with something, and the way this has gone so far, I don't blame her as that was all it took for them to arrest me.

​

Please help! Should I throw out the plea and go to trial on principle? Am I truly just ignorant of being on the wrong side of the law?!?

Smirking_Serpent posted:

My [24f] best friend [25f] got incredibly drunk at my coworker's wedding and blamed it on me.


My question is: can these behaviors be addressed? Can she change? She was once a really excellent friend to me, and I'm not quite sure what happened. I hate to throw away a 7-year friendship over her getting sloppy at a wedding. I'm still angry, don't get me wrong, I just want to know: is this person actually toxic/abusive, or is she just totally un-selfaware?

dog nougat posted:

Smirking_Serpent posted:

I (32f) just saw my husbands (32m) of 6 years DM conversations with an Instagram model. They were flirty but I'd say innocent. Does he have a right to a "private" online life or do I need to confront him that I know?

Shnag posted:

What is really supposed to be the best case scenario for her here? He makes a pass at her and she shuts it down and continues to milk him for a free vacation?

Hello Ketene posted:

HELP!! Did I break the law?

quote:

I initially posted this to beyond the bump, but I need some additional advice.

Basically to make a long story short, I got married when I was 26, and husband and I had been together for 4 years before that. He always had a tendency to be on the immature side but in a sweet, naive way. He was not perfect but was kind, thoughtful, fun and generous.

Around the time we got married his personality started to change. He became more angry, impatient, etc. He blamed it on hating his job.

I found out about 3 months after our wedding that he had been gambling quite significantly, and I was devastated. He promised not to do that anymore, went to gambling anon, we went to couples counseling and things were mostly better.

I got pregnant (my son is now 15 months)

During the course of our marriage of the last 3 years, things have slowly taken a turn for the worse with his behavior and personality. He would have manic episodes where he would stay up all night, drink, etc and then down phases where he would sleep all day and be miserable. He even got fired after not getting to work on time repeatedly. I finally forced an ultimatum on him this last year that he needed to see a psychiatrist, and when he finally did, he was no surprise diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

Now I'm a nurse so I 100 percent get it and support and have no judgement or stigma toward mental illness.

My husband was put on meds about 8 months ago, but he never fully committed to taking them regularly, lies to me about taking them and his mood swings are worse than ever.

It's not just the mood swings, it's like he regressed. Hes capable of taking care of my son but he (husband ) is just such a baby!! He cant do anything for himself, not his own laundry, not clean up his dirty socks, not pay his own doctors bill, make his own dentist appt. I have to meal prep all my sons meals when I go to work so that he will feed him.

He is so lazy it makes me sick. I have to beg and plead him to do anything around the house to the point where I dont even ask anymore. About 1 month ago, I decided to just pretend I was a single mom and I do absolutely everything for and with my son, mostly alone. But at this point my husband feels like this huge ball and chain. He makes a mess, isnt nice to me, eats all the food I buy and I'm so so unhappy.

We are on vacation and this is my final straw. My parents who are very supportive let us go away for a long weekend together while they care for our son. I needed this break and rest so badly.

Despite my telling my husband explicitly not to go to the casino, he went last night, after drinking and called me in our hotel room 50 times asking me to transfer him money in his account because he ran out and "they know I've been playing so I'll win" he would not stop calling me and acting crazy and I had to walk over and get him. He actually cried because I wouldn't give him money. I legit cant take this anymore!!

He has spent the rest of the trip drinking and being a complete ahole to me tbh. Leaving me stranded in places in a foreign country. I could go on.

Over the course of our 3 year marriage he has not been there for me during my worst times. He slept through my entire labor. He didnt make it to a single doctor appt when I was pregnant except one and I ended up having to stay for additional testing bc my blood pressure was high. He whined the whole time about how he was hungry and "can we leave yet??".... when they took my son to the NICU he didnt console me when I sobbed. I hurt my back a few months back, and I was in so much pain I couldnt even move. He refused to get up with my son and I had to call my mom to come help me with him. Then my mom made me go to the ER bc I clearly was in bad shape but she had to force my husband to take me. He screamed at me the entire way there and dumped me off at the front door and didnt even come in. Sure there have been good, even happy times, but I'm just getting so fed up with his childish ways and his inability to take care of himself or his mental health.

His parents live nearby but hes not very close to them and they know nothing about our marital problems or his bipolar diagnosis. He would be mortified for them to know. But I'm so tired of going through all this by myself.

I think I want to seperate for awhile and ask him to go live with his parents when we get back. I would plan to sit his parents down and let them know exactly what's been going on because I feel like I need to unload all this burden on someone else.

I guess I'm just wondering how to go about all this. Should I talk to his parents first and let them know what's going on? Should I talk to a lawyer first? Should i give stipulations to the separation like you need to do xyz before I'd consider you back? For what it's worth I can pay all our bills without his help (it will be tight but doable) as I'm the primary earner in our home. I am kind of nervous he might fly off the handle when I tell him this so should I have someone on standby?

Tldr: my husbands mental illness is out of control, and he has been treating me badly for a long time now. He has been acting like a straight up child while we are on vacation and I want to tell him I want to seperate when we get back but I want to go about this the most painless and smooth way as possible.

Edit: WOW I am reading all your comments and I want to thank you ALL for the wonderful support and advice here. I have read every single comment and really appreciate it.

To answer a few of you, I didnt plan this vacation my sister did we are with her and her husband so I didnt know there was a casino nearby. And no I wasn't planning on breaking up before. It's been a long winding road of poo poo upon poo poo and I've been exhausted with a one year old and working 2 jobs. This vacation gave me the rest to clear my head and I think I finally saw the situation with some clarity. I love my husband and I want so bad for things to work out that I've been holding out hope. But I'm very exasperated now.

quote:

So yeah. My boyfriend of almost 5 years started a tumblr page a year ago as us(we're apparently a couple who are porn fans and horny...) and posted my nudes all without my knowledge. He even pretended to be ME while posting them. I'm just totally at a loss. He's been reposting porn every single day even though weeks ago we both promised each other we would stop looking at porn so we could have a healthier sex life. He's commented on other women's porn tumblrs about how much"we" love them and "we" think they are sexy. I just. My brain can't process this. I don't know what to do. I think this is finally the last straw, I've had issues with his lying since day one but I've been stupid enough to stick around. gently caress.

TL;DR- my boyfriend posted my nudes on tumblr now I don't know what to do.

LadyPictureShow posted:

I [29f] am on vacation with my husband [32m] and I intend to tell him I want to seperate when we get back.


E:
My[23F] boyfriend[29M] has been posting my nudes on tumblr for a year

I know what to do:

quote:

Me and L met up at college where we were roommates and have been best friends ever since. Even bought houses close to each other to continue the friendship. We've had no serious relationships and we often go out to clubs together chasing chicks and having fun.

A few months ago we went to a club and hooked up with two girls and went our separate ways. All seemed OK, but later I came across the two of them on accident and found out that the "fun night" he had wasn't all that fun, he ended up throwing up and telling her he has erectile dysfunction so she left. I confronted him about lying (we've never lied to each other before) and he admitted that he has hodgkin's lymphoma and that he didn't want to worry me about it since treatment seemed OK. Until recently that is and the prognosis isn't good. His health is deteriorating and it affected his ability to get an erection which he is taking extremmelly poorly.

He still has a few things he wants to do on his bucket list, one of which included both of us getting a tattoo, for which I said yes. I should note we tend to fool around and prank each other a bit, so I got him an RIP tattoo which he loved. Bizarre I know but we know each other and our sense of humor. The picks were a surprise I should note. Then came my turn and after I got up to look there was a big bold "CUMSLUT" written on my chest.

It's just too far but I didn't want to make a scene so I just laughed it off and later had a talk with him, which he brushed off as a joke. That's upsetting enough but then a week later I find a brand new sports car parked in front of his house, apparently he just wanted one and got it.

We've saved up a lot of money and I know he can afford it now, but it's ruining his savings and that makes me think he just gave up and doesn't think he'll pull trough. He's no longer planning for later and he won't be able to continue this lifestyle more than two or three years tops. On one hand I understand him and the news aren't good, but that can change and if he does pull trough he'll have nothing and will have to start from scratch. I don't know what to do with him.

TL;DR; Friend thinks he's dying and has just given up on life making horrible choices for himself

quote:

regular_chest
Yeah. We never really grew out of the college bro stage so we tend to gently caress with each other but this was far further and more lasting than anything previous. Guess I'll go have it removed or covered up with another tattoo. It isn't too large, maybe 4 inches but still it's causing plenty of trouble with ladies

●
You're almost 40, dude...

●
Seriously, wtf? Your problems with the ladies probably mostly stem the fact that you still act like a drunken frat boy.

LadyPictureShow posted:

I [37M] think my friend [37M] has given up on life and is making poor choices

phasmid posted:

My first exposure to him was in the mid-aughts, watching him weigh in on panel shows and the like. He grew up in the evangelical right and had a lot of keen observations. I only became familiar with his column much later and I'm afraid I'm unacquainted with the "Santorum thing". Although knowing Santorum, it's most likely as embarrassing as it is vile.

quote:

I'm 32, husband's 33, been married for 2 years now, met when I was 26 and he was 27, were a couple for 2 years, engaged for nearly 2 years and married in December 2012, our anniversary's coming up in a fortnight.

Me and a girlfriend were having a girly day out at the weekend, the meal was nice, but things got shocking when she said she had something to tell me about my husband. She told me he'd messaged her on a dating site she uses and she looked at his profile, and found pictures of him in underwear on there [my friend's 34 and single, btw, that's the only reason she's using dating sites]. She said the photos were poor-quality, and wondered why on earth he'd want to put photos of himself up in his undies. What she told me next was shocking; he'd sent her a sexually explicit message asking for boob pics, and pics of her in bra and knickers. She said it was repulsive.

One question; don't most dating sites stop/prohibit people posting pictures of themselves in underwear, or am I wrong?

The next day (Sunday morning), I decided I'd ask my husband if this was true, just to get his side of the story, see his reaction. He denied it, said he really loves me, and would never use a dating site. I believed him, and decided to agree with him.

But what he told me next shocked me; he suspects he has an idea of who did it and that he wasn't aware of it until now. He said to me that when he was getting changed at the local pool (my husband's a member of a local water polo club that uses the pool) that a Chinese man was using his iPhone, taking photos of him getting dressed and he was trying to get out the way, but the man kept getting in his way. He told me he was annoyed with him, but didn't want to do anything in case the situation got bad.

After he'd had his water polo, he went to the sauna, as he usually does, it's his routine after he's been swimming (I know he does this because we both have that hobby in common - swimming that is!), that he saw the man again in the sauna, and the man was engaging in a PDA with his wife, a Chinese lady wearing a bright red bikini, and he was all over her, calling her "wifey", and it left other people disgusted.

My husband told me he feels disgusted by the whole thing, and doesn't know what to do, he thinks he should tell the man's wife, but he doesn't even know if he'll see this guy again.

On the subject of the dating site, how should we as a couple handle it? Given that my husband has clearly said the profile isn't his, and I've no reason not to believe him, what should we do next?

He's worried that someone could post the photos elsewhere on the 'net and it could affect his life; is he being melodramatic or is this a real concern?

I know there's a lot of concern about dating sites and things like that, but we could really do with some advice on this?

EDIT: Forgot to mention, we live in the U.K.

Smirking_Serpent posted:

My (17F) boyfriend (18M) did something that has made me scared of him. I am considering leaving him because of it.

Smirking_Serpent posted:

He came to me today, all happy his usual self. Wearing a short sleeve t-shirt that showed his forearm where he had carved the word "HELP" deeply into his flesh. I was shocked, although retained my composure until I was in class away from him. I text him then, asking what the hell that was. He responded with "It was going to say "HELP HER" as a reminder to keep you safe. I did it for us." I freaked out, saying how that couldn't really be much more innapropriate and that I was horrified by what he did. He responded in confusion asking me what was so bad about it all.

dudeness posted:

I dunno, I carve my grocery list into my abdomen before going shopping. It's the most efficient way. Well except when I carve it the wrong direction so I can't read it, but that only happens most of the time.

Chaosfirev posted:

"Do you want to know how I got these scars?"

Xenocides posted:

Me [32F] with my husband [33F] Husband accused of having profile on dating site, says profile is a fake, how do we handle this?


No honey, an evil Chinese man who I cannot be sure I will ever see again took pictures of me in water polo gear and photoshopped them. I wasn’t trying to (badly) seduce your friend with underwear pics. They were water polo pics. I got hackedby the Chinese! Like crooked Hillary!

Smirking_Serpent posted:

My (17F) boyfriend (18M) did something that has made me scared of him. I am considering leaving him because of it.

Anne Whateley posted:

I've never heard about the bike piss thing, but he's said various gross poo poo about bi people and about vaginas. There's also a lot of pressure to be GGG, past what some people would consider reasonable, that ends up with people being pressured to do things they don't like and/or greenlights the fetishist's cheating.

Being against ~ephebophilia~ is uhh good, definitely good, but maybe not the highest bar to clear

cumshitter posted:

No honey, I don't know why there's a human corpse covered in bite marks hanging from meat hooks in our basement. But now that I think about it, it might have had something to do with that Chinese man who sold me the strange plant on the day of the eclipse.

Pick posted:

The real issues with Dan Savage are things that aren't cool and woke to critique now, like pointing out that cheating is for assholes and that sex isn't the driving force of a relationship and you can make compromises about how sexually fulfilled you are in exchange for other types of fulfillment and indeed you may have to.

Pelvic Floor Wax posted:

I mean... people say he's bi-phobic because he's acknowledged that *some* gay people come out as bi first to test the waters. I get bi erasure is a thing (I'm bi myself) but cmon. This is a true thing that happens.

Pick posted:

The real issues with Dan Savage are things that aren't cool and woke to critique now, like pointing out that cheating is for assholes and that sex isn't the driving force of a relationship and you can make compromises about how sexually fulfilled you are in exchange for other types of fulfillment and indeed you may have to.

Mushmouth posted:

Ba-doo.

So like are we only supposed to trawl /r/relationships here for sweet candy, or is it broader than that? I barely know anything about reddit, being that I hardly even used this forum after regging.

Pick posted:

The real issues with Dan Savage are things that aren't cool and woke to critique now, like pointing out that cheating is for assholes and that sex isn't the driving force of a relationship and you can make compromises about how sexually fulfilled you are in exchange for other types of fulfillment and indeed you may have to.

Hello Ketene posted:

HELP!! Did I break the law?

Pick posted:

As an aside, I was talking with a friend who writes fanfiction, and apparently there's an entire subgenre dedicated to characters getting married and then aging such that the husband isn't quite so demanding and entitled about the wife's sexual availability and that just struck me as the saddest thing I'd ever heard


What a fantasy, can't wait to dig into some dampened libido fiction about Squidward