POOL IS CLOSED posted:

where's the faceted bee poop stone

Inexplicable Humblebrag posted:

i believe you are thinking of a blue goon

Somfin posted:

It menaces with spikes of loose corn

beanieson posted:

Not really an Ex, but a girl I worked with & hooked up a few times. Let’s call her C. C was cute and kinda nerdy and another girl from work, E, was trying to set us up forever, so we eventually all go out to a bar one night as a group. C & I go home together and end up spending like 2 weeks fooling around and it’s all casual and fun.

Then I get a call from E one morning telling me not to come to work because C’s boyfriend is waiting for me there armed with a knife.

SardonicTyrant posted:

Sounds like you were meant to die before E, except after C.

Detective No. 27 posted:

Johnny Depp does a lot of Make-A-Wish appearances as Jack Sparrow. It's gonna be weird when those kids eventually learn how much of a monster Johnny Depp is when they get older.

Brother Entropy posted:

i got some bad news for you about make-a-wish kids

Sir Lemming posted:

Subway bacon is worse. Imagine a printer that prints onto wax paper. Then imagine that the employees of Subway, once a morning week, load up bacon.jpg, print it out, and cut it up.

And yes it's a jpg because you can drat well bet it has artifacting.

Snowglobe of Doom posted:

Cannon_Fodder posted:

Well, her room turned out to be the whole attic in the house and every loving inch was covered in fan-girl/anime bullshit. She had a tail hanging from her headboard, she had a keysword from Kingdom Hearts that she very excitedly showed me. She asked that we watch Princess Mononoke.

I'm nowhere into that scene but once again, I said gently caress it, ignoring the red flags.

We got to fooling around and she went to get a toy. I'm down with that, whatever.

This girl easily a couple grand in anime/manga/gamer trash laying around her room but she returned with a very budget sex toy - an electric tooth brush.

... k.

So we went to town and she went ahead to misapply some dental hygiene supplies. She got frustrated and then furious as she put in some serious effort to come. Like she was crying and red-faced and a bit scary, to be honest. I'm losing steam because this is a nightmare.

The night ended with her crying in the bath tub, soaking her bottom in cold water to get the swelling down, and me, sitting in a lunatic's den. I got out of there as quickly as I could.

The next day at work, she quit (I found this out later in the week) and joined the Navy.

I get a chill thinking about it, still.

lol but seriously I posted:

you press banged her into the navy

Hell Yeah posted:

forums cop: do you know how bad you were posting?
op: no i felt i was posting within reasonable limits.
forums cop: no sorry I'm going to have to give you a ticket you'll hear from the secretary of state soon.
3 MONTHS LATER
*op opens letter from secretary of state*
secretary of state: ... we regret to inform you that your platinum status has been revoked due to BAD POSTING and BITCH MADE...

value-brand cereal posted:

Please read this thread, or at least this posters posts

Flossie posted:

Thirding the recommendation, thread so good! I've been suffering from bad health stuff and this thread made my night.

Disgusting Coward posted:

I was 22, she was 35. She was huge. Not a pick of fat on her, but she stood easily six four, with an Amazonian build and was hella strong. When she was younger she had done giantess fetish stuff, and one of her best buds was actually a twink she'd met on a giantess shoot. Nice fella. She also was incredibly posh, like, super rich background, privately educated, classically trained pianist, could ride a horse and was vaguely related to the royal family, that kinda shizz. She lived in a super grungey, don't-go-out-at-night kinda area with her kid, and was always going on about how vibrant and alive it was. I grew up in an area like that, and was significantly less enthused by burning cars, yardie gangs and syringes everyplace. Things started out okay, but got progressively odder and odder as they went along. Like boiling a really stupid, horny frog, it took a while for me to realise how hosed poo poo was.

- One time she mentions she's always wanted to try BDSM, but had always had trouble finding dudes who didn't immediately submit to their alpha female overlord. So we try it, and I've got her tied to the bed, she's thrashing away and having a high old time, and then I hear a kinda cracking noise and oh poo poo she's so strong she's ripped the headboard to pieces and she kinda flails with her tied together hands and double axe-handles my face and smashes my nose and busts my lip in one smooth motion. Blood everywhere. Got offended because I didn't finish loving her with half my face demolished.

- Always wanted to do the cooking, but was really lazy about it. Like, I'd be working at 6am the next morning, and she'd be like "oh I'll get started on dinner in a minute" at 11:35pm. If I cooked she'd get really upset. If I went to bed without dinner she'd get really upset.

- If she'd had a bad day she'd stick CDs in the microwave.

- Wouldn't open her curtains, at all. At first I thought it was because she lived in a grim as gently caress area, but then she started muttering about how the neighbours were spying on her. Then she started muttering about how social services were spying on her. One day she was out and I was waiting for the gas man on her behalf, and she came home and went ballistic because I'd opened the curtains. Because if They can see me, They can get to her?

- One day I come home and she's drunk, sobbing and had cut all her hair off, because a long time friend had died. Except this "long time" friend was an Internet person she'd been talking to for five months on some online game.

- One night casually mentions she has another kid she'd had in her teens, but she'd got "oh man, wicked post-natal" and had abused him, so wasn't allowed to see him any more.

- If we went for drinks, or had drinks in the house, she'd always try to get me to drive drunk. When I refused she'd always start calling me a pussy and a coward. Doubly weird since I was doing the occasional shift as a taxi controller at the time, so we got free taxis.

- Got some kind of birth control implant and reacted badly to it. Mild rash, fever, bit of pooping. Blamed me for it despite my being perfectly happy to use condoms. Got hyper angry when I wouldn't apologise.

- Couldn't have mirrors in her house, at all, because she "didn't like what she saw" in them. If I was staying over and brought a small shaving mirror, I had to make sure it left with me. Like, showing her I had it on my person as I walked out the door.

- Really wanted me to smoke. I used to smoke, and quit without much trouble. She didn't smoke, but for some reason really wanted me to. Kept buying packets of cigarettes and hiding them in my jacket and things. Whenever we were drinking she'd be like HEY BET YOU REALLY WANT A CIGARETTE WITH THAT BEER and I'd be umm...not really?

- Got so into BDSM that she was gonna get a triskelion tattoo and get my name tattooed on her. When I said that was stupid, she didn't talk to me for a month.

- I took her kid to muay thai with me, and he had a great time and made some friends his own age in the junior class. She went apeshit because I'd "ruined his hands" and he'd never be a pianist now. When he got upset about not being allowed to go any more, she told him it was because I hated him.

- If I was staying over, she'd get super paranoid if I closed the bathroom door. Even if I was having a dump.

- She administered an online forum, which I never read because it was about aromatherapy. Except one day she'd left a browser open on her PC and oh snap it was a thread where she bitched about me constantly. Innocuous, fair-enough kinda poo poo at first ["he listens to awful music" "ever since his nose got broken he snores" "he always leaves his coffee cup when he's done with it"] then getting progressively weirder and more serious [like, for example, accusing me of homophobically abusing her best bud. Said abuse consisting of the time me and he did Islands in the Stream while smashed at a karaoke, because I was apparently "mocking his sexuality"?] and then culminating in accusing me of paedophilia, beating her up and abusing her son. Because I took him to the zoo one time when she was ill, took him with me to muay thai and taught him some origami stuff, I was obviously a sexual predator because "what kind of 22 year old man hangs around with a kid?" That one was the last straw for me, and I broke up with her that evening. She accused me of bugging her phone, reading all her emails and Skype messages and being a spy for her parents - who, until that very moment, she'd told me were dead. During the argument she smashed her kitchen window, then tried to send me a bill a month later.

Periodically she'd phone me after that, asking me if I thought about getting back together [lol no] and sometimes masturbating down the phone. Also on the odd occasion she'd menace women I was dating, which isn't good when she's basically Brienne of Tarth and easily capable of smashing the gently caress out of the average human. But then one day she started poo poo with a woman I was seeing, who was tiny but also a BJJ black belt, and ended up with a broken arm and kinda laid off the semi-stalking after that.

Also she's dead now.

purple death ray posted:

Did she at least drop any good loot for the party of adventurers who finally took her down?

Cannon_Fodder posted:

She had a super broken arm. Goddamn.

Now I wanna bang an Amazon.

I think I'm getting the wrong message out of all this.

purple death ray posted:

Yeah the arm was her glowing weak point and the new gf climbed up her torso and stabbed it

fat bossy gerbil posted:

How did she die? Did her heart just stop or did a well placed stone from a small boys sling fell her?

purple death ray posted:

She was chasing disgusting cowards new gf down a beanstalk and fell

Kith posted:

Volcott posted:

Is that cake gonna hurt friend train, though.

jobson groeth posted:

Nah, even if it was a rock cake trains are pretty good at going chew chew.

That Guy Bob posted:

So what kind of buildings does a fanatic xenophobe megacorp get to build on other people's worlds? Giant gaping boreholes? A giant statue of the xenophobe ruler that breathes fire?

Psychotic Weasel posted:

Hotel chains.

Phy posted:

This exchange had me gigglin' on the shitter

Purple death ray has got no mercy

Solice Kirsk posted:

"I just don't get why people are so hung up about this. I'm simply trying to share my love of craft beer and hiking to everyone."

- Owner of "The Trail of Beers"

Control Volume posted:

Solice Kirsk posted:

Figures it would be made in Texas. Better than calling it "Hops the Fence" and have a cartoonish hop pole vaulting over the border wall.

Barudak posted:

Be very clear with her, "You are a source of such powerful fremdschamen that must move out at the end of our lease as prolonged exposure to you will leave me unable to enjoy anything but the classic french film "Dinner for Fools""

Willie Tomg posted:

*cracks knuckles* Alright gang let's get down to brass tacks: these kids were not raped playing "Sports Ball" and to use such terms demeans and delegitimizes the hard work of our athletes and faculty. Let's stay focused on the topic at hand, here.

And now to see what that topic i--WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

H.P. Hovercraft posted:

are mods allowed to put people on ignore

rjmccall posted:

only in six hour increments

loquacius posted:

Jack stood motionless, transfixed and frozen in indecision. Liz lay crumpled on the pavement, her arm shattered in several places. The motorists were screaming and panicking in their car. But The Bird paid no mind. It had eyes only for Jack. It stood, implacable, its cold, merciless avian gaze fixed firmly on him, waves of malice and dread seeming to emanate from its tiny, angular, razor-sharp form. I did this, Jack, it seemed to say. I did this, and I can do it again. It took a sudden, jagged step forward toward Jack, and he stumbled backwards, tripped over his own feet, and fell to the ground. The Bird let out two sharp, mocking chirps, flew up in a wide arc, and was gone. All that was left of the nightmare creature was a scene of carnage, Liz's pained groans, and a single feather fluttering to the ground at Jack's feet, a memento of his own failure to act in the face of pure evil.

One thing was clear to Jack, clearer than anything had ever been. It was time to take a break from therapy.

ElBrak posted:

The problem with the ancestral memory is you get the memories up to the time they had their last kid, so for all the women you only get the memories from like half their lives? And maybe the whole life of a dude if he was still going at it till he died. But what about all those smart people who never scored, all those bitter bitter memories lost forever.

Anne Frank Funk posted:

That’s incelstral memory, different thing.

whydirt posted:

Incelstral Memory - U
Instant
Draw 0 cards.

Ratatozsk posted:

This card cannot be tapped.

FactsAreUseless posted:

Weird-rear end 30 Rock fanfic.

Pittsburgh Fentanyl Cloud posted:

My wife and I are doing great, mostly via diverting our energies and anxiety into volunteering and poo poo. We’re helping to run a 5k tomorrow.

Stringent posted:

that's incredibly selfless of her, making sure you're able to outrun the neighbor lady's husband

Pittsburgh Fentanyl Cloud posted:

He mans the polls where I vote. Super excited to give him a poo poo eating grin on November sixth.

NoneMoreNegative posted:

you’ve moved on from just watersports?

value-brand cereal posted:

The joke is that pfc cheated on his wife with the neighbors wife, who specifically asked pfc to piss on her.

Pirate Radar posted:

Oh word? Wild.

tactlessbastard posted:

SardonicTyrant posted:

How is Elon Musk like a Tesla? No brakes.

How is Elon Musk not like a Tesla? One has enough lithium.

Carbon dioxide posted:

Not a graph but I still feel it should belong here.

Quote-Unquote posted:

[quote]If you want 200 wings you can save 5 cents by buying 150+50 separately[/quote[

buy four lots of 50 wings and you save ten cents

This is the single greatest menu known to man

ultrafilter posted:

It's not even a particularly difficult optimization problem. The solution follows almost immediately from the principle of optimality.

klafbang posted:

I am admittedly too lazy to check, but I think you're wrong. The price is not linear so this has more of a feeling of a knapsack problem. Which is hard.

Krankenstyle posted:

Yeah you want to combine the cheapest combination of sub-orders. Feels knapsacky to me as well

Lysidas posted:

It seems like pretty straightforward dynamic programming to me -- it has optimal substructure. Let's call C(q) the cost of a single batch of q wings, so C(4) = 4.55.

Define OPT(j) as the optimal (minimum) price for ordering j wings. The last decision you make here is "how big is the final batch of wings in your order?" You can then refer to the optimal solution for the rest of the wings.

You're constrained by the set of quantities Q = {4, 5, ..., 200}, giving this recurrence:


You'll need base cases of OPT(0) = 0 and C(0) = 0, and it'll probably be necessary to define C(q) = ∞ if q ∉ Q.

klafbang posted:

Good news, I think we're both right. I think your algorithm is good and it does indeed solve the knapsack problem.

It's not "simple" though. The formulation is simple, but computationally it is still in NP (the complexity depends on the number of wings, not just on the number of possible orders).

ultrafilter posted:

The wing ordering problem can be solved with dynamic programming. To order n wings, you need to know the cheapest combination of n - k wings and k wings for all k in [0, n/2], so the solution should scale polynomially in n.

Lysidas posted:

No, it's quadratic in the number of wings, as ultrafilter described. You need to store O(n) costs, each of which has O(n) possible values.

I wrote a Python program that calculates optimal orders. Full output is here.

Subset of the output:


e: also by "in NP", I assume you mean "NP-hard" -- this is an optimization problem, but the decision version ("can you order n wings for less than $k?") is in P and therefore isn't NP-hard.

cinci zoo sniper posted:

Son of Sam-I-Am posted:

Nothing in this post is funny, individually, but as a gestalt it's hilarious.

Oxxidation posted:

florida man, florida man
florida man hates democrat man
drives around in a MAGA can
florida man
he's got a bomb with an hour hand
a minute hand and a second hand
but he got the watches from disneyland
failed plan, florida man

*peppy accordion*

freeedr posted:

Someone tell me what song it’s to the tune of