JacquelineDempsey posted:

I think I asked this ages ago in this thread, but does anyone have the quote from the Navy goon who was on some boring, routine submarine mission that involved aimlessly wandering the ocean, and realized the captain had plotted a course shaped like a dick? Like, he thought their course seemed odd, looked at the charts, and realized they had drawn a 300 mile long cock and balls in the Pacific.

quote:

I was on a boomer, and what you're referring to is when the sub goes 'on alert'. And although I can't tell you where we went, because I was in engineering and never knew where we were or cared, I'll give you a hint: Someplace boring. Seriously when we went silent and slow and waited for nuclear war was the most boring crap ever. We never did anything. Eat and sleep and stand watch. One time the Officer of the Deck got really bored on the midwatch and drove the sub in a very peculiar pattern. I looked at the 'plot' thing up on the bridge and he had drawn a dick in the water over the past 6 hours. That's the big secret. When you don't know where a Trident is, it's somewhere in the middle of nowhere drawing a huge 8 mile long dick.

Syd Midnight posted:

I have no idea who wrote it

Koalas Massacre posted:

We need an underground goon railroad.

Riptor posted:

I hate that my brain just put together the term "Harriet Tubgirl" upon reading this

Rollersnake posted:

vorbis vorbilby posted:

harriet tubgirl

Fleta Mcgurn posted:

Yeah, but they have lizard powers, like blinking adorably.

Absurd Alhazred posted:

Trident? That's Royal Navy, right?

Son of Thunderbeast posted:

In addition to this, is like to request the story of the Navy goon who was reading a book about the development of the Sidewinder but his mind had wandered off to this girl he was seeing in Australia or something, so he started jerking it, then one of his bunkmates flung the curtain open to find the goon apparently jerking off to a two-page blown up view of the Sidewinder parts

cock hero flux posted:

I remember there was another story about watching an officer on an aircraft carrier trying to eat his breakfast call in a course correction for the sole reason that the sun was in his eyes and he didn't want to change seats.

quote:

Late to the party but this one is too good to pass up:

I was once on a US military ship, having breakfast in the wardroom (officers lounge) when the Operations Officer (OPS) walks in. This guy was the definition of NOT a morning person; he's still half asleep, bleary eyed... basically a zombie with a bagel. He sits down across from me to eat his bagel and is just barely conscious. My back is to the outboard side of the ship, and the morning sun is blazing in one of the portholes putting a big bright-rear end circle of light right on his barely conscious face. He's squinting and chewing and basically just remembering how to be alive for today. It's painful to watch.

But then zombie-OPS stops chewing, slowly picks up the phone, and dials the bridge. In his well-known I'm-still-totally-asleep voice, he says "heeeey. It's OPS. Could you... shift our barpat... yeah, one six five. Thanks." And puts the phone down. And then he just sits there. Squinting. Waiting.

And then, ever so slowly, I realize that that big blazing spot of sun has begun to slide off the zombie's face and onto the wall behind him. After a moment it clears his face and he blinks slowly a few times and the brilliant beauty of what I've just witnessed begins to overwhelm me. By ordering the bridge to adjust the ship's back-and-forth patrol by about 15 degrees, he's changed our course just enough to reposition the sun off of his face. He's literally just redirected thousands of tons of steel and hundreds of people so that he could get the sun out of his eyes while he eats his bagel. I am in awe.

He slowly picks up his bagel and for a moment I'm terrified at the thought that his own genius may escape him, that he may never appreciate the epic brilliance of his laziness (since he's not going to wake up for another hour). But between his next bites he pauses, looks at me, and gives me the faintest, sly grin, before returning to gnaw slowly on his zombie bagel.

Twitch posted:

Now does anyone have that story from the Navy guy whose crew kept getting the boxes of donated books after everyone else, so they intercepted it one time and proceeded to tear every book in half with their butt cheeks. If I'm remembering it correctly.

Pirate Radar posted:

If I remember right there was a lot of discussion around that post and the morality of destroying books with your, in what I think were the poster’s own words, “tight boypussy”

Twitch posted:

Now does anyone have that story from the Navy guy whose crew kept getting the boxes of donated books after everyone else, so they intercepted it one time and proceeded to tear every book in half with their butt cheeks. If I'm remembering it correctly.

Twitch posted:

Now does anyone have that story from the Navy guy whose crew kept getting the boxes of donated books after everyone else, so they intercepted it one time and proceeded to tear every book in half with their butt cheeks. If I'm remembering it correctly.

Twitch posted:

Now does anyone have that story from the Navy guy whose crew kept getting the boxes of donated books after everyone else, so they intercepted it one time and proceeded to tear every book in half with their butt cheeks. If I'm remembering it correctly.

quote:

I have a good story: the day me and my platoon destroyed an entire shipment of books for no good reason. This all happened back on my float. (Marine terminology for MEU deployment)

Back on the float we used to get care packages of books- every once in a while a mail drop would come with a cardboard box full of them that would get passed from berthing to berthing. There were a few boxes going around the ship, every time a new box came in it would get passed through the berthing cycle (mail clerks would always get the box first because they were dicks).

Anyways, we always got the box last. Every loving time, because everyone hated us. So one mail shipment we decided to maraud- and take the new book box for ourselves. The heist was simple, and involved entering the mail room and taking the new box from the clerks. They were busy sorting the mail shipment, and the door was left open- so it was easy for two of us to walk in there, bully the stooge sorting letters, and take the box for ourselves. We eloped back to our berthing where we greedily opened our glittering, cardboard prize with a k-bar.

Inside, was poo poo. We had never actually gotten our hands on a book box before- but it was underwhelming. The contents were, in a word: gay. Science fiction novellas, romances, some flavor-of-the-month paperbacks- it was, aside from a few classics, utterly gay. Setting our sights on the book boxes from afar, when we happened to chance upon them while visitng another berthing, had given us the impression that there would be some real page-turners inside. We were wrong.

So I grabbed a copy of Digital Fortress by Dan Brown, opened it in half, then pulled down my trousers and skivvies and inserted one half between my buttocks.

Let me back up a bit- as I'm sure you require some explanation for why this was my chosen course of action. You see; my rear end, is incredible. My rear-end is oddly enough, shaped like an attractive female's hind. My rear end could be described as: succulent, juicy, bouncy, bubbly, enticing, or even lusty. In case you haven't gotten the point yet: I've got one fat boypussy. If you cropped out the rest of my muscular frame, and were shown an image of only my behind, you would swear it was taken from the centerfold of Black Men Magazine. Needless to say, I didn't get it solely by means of genetics. I've always taken well to exercises of the legs and gluts, and my physiology shows this. My rear end is also incredibly strong, and when I clench it, it's feels like two mounds of titanium. This is why I decided to place the book between these two cheeks of mine.

I placed on half of the book between my cheeks and gripped the other half with both hands. With only the force of my rear end to hold the other end, I yanked as hard as I could until I ripped the fiction novel in half. Right down the binding, it split in two. The rest of the berthing was intrigued. If I could manage it, why shouldn't they?

Hands lept into the book box, grabbing paperbacks for the other Marines' own trials. Cammie trousers and skivvy shorts came off, and soon a total of about twenty marines were standing in the berthing- open books clenched in their buttocks. (This is where the 0_o comes in)

The berthing was silent, but the air contained the palpable energy of concentration. Every once in a while a stifled grunt, or moan could be heard as the men wrestled with their literature. First, a large Puerto Rican Marine managed to split Brother Odd by Steve Koontz, and let out a primal, triumphant scream. Freakonomics was next, then Frankenstein, and then American Psycho. One by one the berthing tore the entire contents of the box to shreds, using nothing but our powerful asses.

After we were done, we threw the ruined books back in the box and forgot about it for the rest of the day. Until a female sailor knocked on our berthing door, and asked for the box. We obliged, and handed her the box full of books- their pages ripped, and moist from our butt-sweat. She and her berthing-mates later attempted to complain to our SgtMaj about the incident, but he knew better than to investigate. One unspoken rule about our MEU: you don't know what goes on in our berthing, and you don't want to know.

So that was one of the more 0_o moments in my military career. Being on a boat for long periods of time can lead to some interesting occurrences.

rodbeard posted:

Geckos can't blink so they have to lick their own eyeballs to keep them clean.

Fleta Mcgurn posted:

I love geckos!

Jedit posted:

Strange, every woman says that after you mention that geckos can lick their own eyeballs.

Fleta Mcgurn posted:

Saves money on eyedrops. I do love a thrifty man/reptile.

Screaming Idiot posted:

No wonder so many women voted for (((Obama)))

Syd Midnight posted:

I have no idea who wrote it

LORD OF BOOTY posted:

that's up there with oildome in the competition of "greatest thing i have read this year"

Untrustable posted:

Unlike the butt-rippin' story Oildome is real. Not a bit fake. I was told the story firsthand.

Karate Bastard posted:

Yes. Sure. Ab-so-lutely. Yeup.

Untrustable posted:

God dammit I should've picked a better username. Almost ten years on this forum and I'll never have credibility.

Oildome stuff starts here if I got the link right:
https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3855984&pagenumber=15&perpage=40#post484176178

redneck nazgul posted:

[Navy butt-ripping story]

CAPTAIN CAPSLOCK posted:

Knormal posted:

William Tell's great-great-grandchildren are a lot less impressive.

Deptfordx posted:

What? That apple got wrecked.

Jippa posted:

If you want to make apple pie you have to crack a few kid skulls.

Sam Faust posted:

I don't know. After all these years, I certainly haven't gotten any pie.

Proteus Jones posted:

Keep going, it's actually more than you'd think

Ghost Leviathan posted:

And oh boy, don't think for a single moment that isn't a riotous community of its very own.

Dareon posted:

Two words: Bird Husbando.

Dareon posted:

Two words: Bird Husbando.