Midnight Voyager posted:

If you guys are this weird about a bra that was tried on once, I hope you never buy clothes from stores. Because believe it or not, people try those on! They might have been worn by more than ONE person before! Even the bras! Shocking, I know.

big dyke energy posted:

I guess if my boyfriend took me to a store and told me he was going to get me an outfit, but all of the outfits had been worn by his exes, that would be a little more of an apt comparison.

Midnight Voyager posted:

They literally could have been.

If it's stained and old, that's an obvious no. Something of sentimental value? Probably no. I guess I just don't give a poo poo if it was worn once, is nice, and fits.

(hey guys, do you know they put little plastic things in the crotch of bathing suits for women? They do it because people try those on nude. You're welcome!)

CharlestheHammer posted:

Why are you being so weird about this

Batterypowered7 posted:

Someone compared it to offering your partner some anal bubblegum, but this person's the weird one to you?

Midnight Voyager posted:

They literally could have been.

If it's stained and old, that's an obvious no. Something of sentimental value? Probably no. I guess I just don't give a poo poo if it was worn once, is nice, and fits.

(hey guys, do you know they put little plastic things in the crotch of bathing suits for women? They do it because people try those on nude. You're welcome!)

big dyke energy posted:

It's a weird thing to keep harping on tho.

quote:

I'm 32 and live in a 2 level house. 9 months ago a single mom (25) moved in upstairs and we started a relationship.

Everything was 100% until in September the father of one of her 1yr old daughter came to visit. She let him stay at the house for 7 days for his visit. He didnt know about her and I's relationship. He also has a very very violent past with her. Physical, sexual, emotional abuse.

Her and I txted a lot and on night 5 of his 7 day stay we talked in her car secretly 2 blocks away about it. She kept telling me nothing was happening. We'll be fine. He'll be gone soon. She told me she slept on the couch.

When we got home I heard them laughing for over an hour and then walk to her bedroom. I stood on my kitchen table and put my ear to the ceiling and heard her suspicious noises.

I then used a key I had to go upstairs and go into her bedroom, they were both in her bed, but not in any act. I pull him off the bed and start beating him up. I punched him in the face around 10 times while telling him that shes my girlfriend,that he needs to get out, that he needs to be a better human being, that he needs to be a dad and thats it. He says he will and I go back downstairs.

30 min later the police show up and hes charging me with assault and uttering threats. I've never been charged with anything before and have no record or history of violence. I'm 32. That last punch I ever threw was in grade 5 when I was 10 defending myself from 2 bullies walking home from school.

I dont get arrested, just told to pack a bag and go to a friends until he leaves the house then I can come back. So I do. The next day she tells me hes gone (he left a day early) and that I can come back. Before I go back, the mother of my son (whom I'm separated from for 5 years and am in the middle of a 14 month parenting time trial with our 8 year old son) tells me she heard about my incident. I show my girlfriend and she tells me shes the one who told her.

I come home and we talk (a long and crazy talk) and decide to continue our relationship. We both did wrong things but we both understand why things happened the way they happened. We love each other. Our relationship was literally perfect until this.

The next month is perfect again. I get more involved with her 2 kids. Attend parent teacher meetings/get put as emergency contact for her kids/do extracurricular sports with her kids/babysit her kids we literally do everything together. Everything. We are so happy and so in love. All of us.

2 days before my next parenting time trial date (about a month after the assault event) I get an email and find out that my kids mother had recorded the phone call that my girlfriend had made to her and they plan on using it in court. My girlfriend steps up immediately and is there for me every step of the way. We fought it and she even took the stand for me to defend her actions and my parenting.

The parenting time trial should have ended but the judge decided to adjourn because I still had that pending charge and he would like to see what comes of it. The big matter they are all worried about is that her two kids were sleeping at the time of the assault. It happened at around 12:30pm. They were asleep however and heard nothing. They are 1 and 5. The night I did what I did, I was up there for about a minute, and then they were up there and the police, it was a 2 hours ordeal. The kids NEVER woke up. But. They were in the house. In the interim time my parenting time with my son gets knocked from 5 days every 2 weeks, to 9 hours a week and hes not allowed at my home or around my girlfriend and her 2 children. This is extremely hard on us as we feel its uncalled for. I am not a danger to anyone, especially any children. My son and her children are great friends as well. We basically were starting a family.

My girlfriend and I push through this. Continue life and live each day. Things are good. We are strong and solid. Yeah, whats happening sucks, but its not over. I have to deal with my charge, and complete my parenting time trial still. Things will get better. Also worth mentioning, since the night of the assault, I've spent 100% of the time upstairs with them. My place downstairs basically was vacant.

Well.

12 days ago she gets a call from Child Protective Services. We are shocked. We dont know who called them. We think it was my sons mother most likely, maybe it was her daughters father but that doesnt make much sense, we think it maybe could have even been the judge. They tell her they have to come in for a check. We dont think we have anything to worry about as theres absolutely nothing wrong with the home or either of our parenting skills. We love our children and provide for them in every way.

CPS come 6 days ago. They proceed to tell her that they had to come as a formality because there was an act of violence in the home. They tell her that I am not allowed to be in the upstairs premise, and that I am not allowed to be around her children unsupervised. She breaks down in tears. She told CPS that we were continuing a relationship. She was honest with them. We didnt know that those were rules that were in place. CPS say normally they show up to a house within 5 days of an event like the one that happened, but because of an "operational error" they didnt come for 48 days. Because of the way CPS sounded, we've basically eliminated the ex's calling theory and believe it was either the judge, or it really was an "operational error."

We are now officially destroyed. Both of our hearts and completely shattered. We want to be together. We are amazing parents. We wanted to move in together. Now a judge in my parenting time trial has said my son cant be around them, and CPS has said I cant be upstairs or around her children unsupervised. All because I went upstairs and decided to beat up this man while the children were sleeping.

I know what I did was wrong. I regret it with the entirely of my mind body and soul. Immediately after I regretted it. I feel like a huge gently caress up.

Now we have mutually decided to end our relationship for the time being. We dont know what will happen. There are too many things up in the air right now. CPS, my charge, my parenting time trial. CPS said if she ends the relationship then her case could be closed in 2 months. They said if she continues a relationship with me then they would need to talk to me as well and the case would stay open indefinitely. Maybe not that long, but longer than 2 months for sure. She doesnt want to live with that stress.

I love her. She loves me. Now we can't be together. I've never felt so low in my entire life. I'm scared we'll never be together again. Our entire relationship has been amazing, perfect, except for that one incident that involved gently caress-ups from both of us and we've both accepted what happened, understood what happened, and forgave what happened. Personally it is behind us, but now the courts and CPS are forcing this all to continue.

What do we do? Its hell being down here hearing her and the kids walk around and do their thing upstairs. I think we're both going to move out to separate places as soon as we can but finding places in hard where we live. When I see her, she's still the same amazing woman, but the love and affection from her is almost gone. I understand because she doesnt want to have any blurred lines. We're choosing to end it and let everything settle so that CPS will close their case, but I feel like if all the feelings are still there, why cant we keep some sort of semblance of our love for each other.

I'm so sorry this is so long. I'm down on life immensely. I started on anti-depressants and have an anti-anxiety medication as well. I'm seeing counselors. I feel like I don't know what do. I'm down and I don't know if I'll ever be able to be up again.

TL;DR Fall in love with a woman and her children upstairs. Beat up father of one of the children upstairs. CPS says I cant be up there or around the children unsupervised. Event also gets brought into my on-going parenting time trial. My child is now not allowed at my home or around my girlfriend and her children.

quote:

A reader writes:

I work in a management position at an investment firm. A few months ago the firm, and Mary, one of the people who reports to me, were investigated by the authorities for fraud. The investigation revealed no fraud had been committed, and Jane, another employee who reports to me, admitted to altering and directing things so it would appear as though Mary had committed fraud.

Jane says she did this because her husband, Joe (who also works at the firm but does not report to me), was abusive and she had no other way to report it to the authorities without raising Joe’s suspicions. She said if she had gone to the police or called 911, Joe would have known right away since he was always around her and wouldn’t let her go anywhere on her own, and she feared for her safety if she reported him. Jane said speaking to authorities because a colleague was being investigated for fraud is the only way she could report Joe and be safe.

After Jane spoke to the investigating authorities, they contacted our local police. Joe has been arrested on abuse charges and Jane is in the process of divorcing him. He was fired and banned from company property.

I’m glad Jane is moving on but I’m in between a rock and a hard place because of the effect the investigation had on Mary. She was unable to work during the investigation and word got around in her personal and professional life that she had committed fraud. Every aspect of her life was turned upside down by the investigators and she had to move in with her father because not working meant she couldn’t pay her rent. Mary is furious at Jane and has openly said Jane needs to be fired.

The authorities declined to investigate Jane further or charge her because no fraud was actually committed. For the record, I didn’t know about Jane’s situation or I would have contacted the police (Joe has been charged with threatening her life) and offered my support to Jane. I don’t want to look like I’m picking on an abuse victim but I also don’t think what she did to Mary was right. I am at a loss as to how I can navigate this.

I admit the circumstances seem convoluted and if it wasn’t happening to me and in my office I wouldn’t even believe it was happening. I have never been in an abusive relationship so I don’t claim to understand how Jane was feeling but I also don’t think it’s an excuse for almost ruining someone’s life. I honestly have no idea how to handle this, I’ve never had any kind of similar situation to deal with as a manager. I’m hoping you can help me.

quote:

Huh.

So, this is a question where I feel very confident about parts of my answer and not at all confident about other parts, and ultimately I think you need to talk to someone who has expertise in working with domestic abuse victims.

That said — and with the caveat that I feel really uncomfortable second-guessing an abuse victim because I understand that abuse can do terrible things to your brain — Jane couldn’t speak with you or someone else at work privately and ask them to get her in a room with police without Joe hearing about it?

I don’t know all the details, and maybe there’s some reason why that wouldn’t work. But unless Joe is in every private meeting that Jane has at work, it’s hard for me to see why setting up someone else was the only path for her, and this seems like a hole in her thinking that ended up being devastating for Mary.

But again, I’m not an expert in this.

So let’s move to the part that I do feel confident about : Your company needs to step in here and make things right for Mary. At the very least, they should make her whole financially; it’s because of her employment there that she lost her home and had to move in with a parent, and that’s not right. They also should figure out who may have heard about the accusation and ensure that all of those people hear that Mary was unequivocally innocent.

As for what to do about Jane … here I’m out of my depth again. Ordinarily I’d say that you should tell her that while you understand the position she was in, you now have an employee whose life was ripped to shreds by what she did, and that because of that, Jane needs to move on (and that because you’re sympathetic to her situation, you’ll do what you can to help her in that). But in this case, I really think you need to get advice from someone who’s far more expert than me about the psychology of abuse, because this is more complicated than “one employee set up another employee to be accused of fraud.”

big dyke energy posted:

I guess if my boyfriend took me to a store and told me he was going to get me an outfit, but all of the outfits had been worn by his exes, that would be a little more of an apt comparison.

Straight White Shark posted:

CPS is dividing my relationsip

DragQueenofAngmar posted:

its about the fact it was an ex's possession you incredible spergs, and yes most people would feel weird about it no matter how "illogical!" you want to get about it

DragQueenofAngmar posted:

its about the fact it was an ex's possession you incredible spergs, and yes most people would feel weird about it no matter how "illogical!" you want to get about it

anyways, have some office craziness from ask a manager:


answer:

Barudak posted:

Straight up report her to the police. Jail will keep her ex away from her

Straight White Shark posted:

CPS is dividing my relationsip

Blade Runner posted:

He did but they refused to do anything

CharlestheHammer posted:

Anal bubblegum is less weird and more insanely dumb.

loquacius posted:

failing forward posted:

What if you don't have one of those friends? Wait... am I...?

loquacius posted:

I don't particularly have a dog in the slightly-used-bra fight, but I asked my wife out of curiosity and she's on board the "if it fit I'd take it" train

She said to specify that it's because she places really high value on nice bras that fit right because most bras don't actually fit anyone (she is very passionate on this issue)

She is currently yelling in from the next room that she wouldn't care if my ex was wearing the bra while we hosed, if it was an expensive bra that actually fit her she'd wear it

But, I have been instructed to continue, there's probably nuances to be found here in the specific relationship, like, if you've been dating your current girlfriend for six months, and the ex in question was a five-year relationship and you almost got married, she can understand why jealousy would come up, like, it has to do with how secure she feels in the relationship compared to the ex

Ok this has been "loquacius dictates a Something Awful post about bras for his wife" thanks for reading

Blade Runner posted:

Fire her

Yes it's terrible that she was abused but a woman's life was pretty much ruined by her, for malicious reasons or not, and she absolutely cannot work there anymore

Pirate Radar posted:

I bet this is one of those cases that makes the legal department take a minute to stare at the facts and sigh

Smirking_Serpent posted:

I (23F) think I got myself trapped in a bad relationship with my (41M) S.O.

But I think it's wearing on me. Lately he hasn't been stopping if I tell him it hurts. He just tells me to take it, for him. I had unsavory sexual things done to me by an ex and a couple ex-customers and he knows about it. But it doesn't stop him now.

Smirking_Serpent posted:

My [37F] Life Long Friend [37F] Humiliated Me by Crashing a Work Party and Being Rude.

MrQwerty posted:

Imagining having to deal with that mess and the fallout is the only time I've ever felt a tinge of sympathy for someone in an HR department

Sierra Nevadan posted:

Yea I don't know how 'doctoring the books to make it appear a coworker committed fraud' isn't fraud itself and an immediately termination.

Motronic posted:

If this was really somehow the only option, why not doctor the books to make HERSELF look like she was the one committing fraud so she could have a private audience with authorities?

Straight White Shark posted:

CPS is dividing my relationsip

LabyaMynora posted:

OP is omitting all the drug use by himself, the girlfriend upstairs, and her ex, because otherwise nothing any of these people are doing makes any goddamn sense.

quote:

TL;DR: So called "friend" read my personal counseling file weekly and messed with my head. Still struggle with her and the situation months later.

So I am friends with a group of people that are good friends with my boyfriend. We have all known each other for about 4-5 years now throughout college and I have always been on the outskirts of the friend group. I never really had an issue with it because I just didn't relate to them super well but now everything changed.

I have gone to counseling for anxiety and depression for about 6 years now and I used to go to the free counseling center at college. I would go about every other week and had been since my first year of college (so 4-5 years of going to the same counselor). One of my friends wives (let's call her Lisa) was finishing her master's degree and was an intern there who would also have clients and work there. I knew about it but since I don't really discuss publicly that I go to counseling, I never talked to her about it and only saw her in passing.

So my last year of college (2017-2018 school year), I was going pretty regularly to counseling and she was working there. At the beginning of March, my counselor said we need to tell you of something and handed me a letter. The letter stated Lisa had been accessing my confidential file weekly since the beginning of her job there (September 2017). They only just found out after doing a supposedly routine check on computer privileges. They found out about her doing this in February and fired her. She got let go from her job and kicked out of school, never finishing her masters. I was so hurt and distraught and mad that she would do this to me. I literally couldn't do anything about it and couldn't have stopped it. I am a very private person and to know that she was reading about my counseling sessions, medical history, mental history, etc. made me furious. I know there are privacy laws against what she did and I am so horribly mad still months later.

At the end of March we met up for coffee and she apologized profusely to me (wrote me a letter and everything). I cried and cried but not only to create a situation or conflict I just brushed it off at the time. She told me to let her know when I had forgiven her but I never will. Now, I have graduated from college and live near her and some of my college friends. Me and my boyfriend go to hang out with them every weekend and it messes with my mind so much. I like my friends but I just cannot trust her and wonder who she has told about my personal problems.

Is it weird that I still hang out with her? I can't bear it sometimes but I feel like I don't have a choice because I don't have a lot of friends and her husband is one of my boyfriend's good friends. Any advice would be greatly appreciated on this whole situation, I could totally type pages and pages more so feel free to ask to me elaborate if needed.

quote:

Yeah it is very weird the more I think about it. My new counselor was shocked that I would even talk to her after everything that happened.

And yes he does, he knows everything and thinks it is messed up. At this point he is like its been a while and thinks I should be over it I guess? Or he his still holding on because it is our college friends. On top of all this he is thinking about signing a lease with Lisa, her husband and another friend. It makes me feel sick, now why would I even want to go over and hang out with him then? We will go from hanging out 5-6 times a week to like 1-2 times.

LadyPictureShow posted:

Betrayed by a "friend", ruining my life after a year still


When asked how the boyfriend acts:


and (all their heads)

Smirking_Serpent posted:

Bf’s friends came over to my house with guns and handled them unsafely when we were all drunk.