Let's Talk About Idiots! We can't stop here, this is Ba'ath country!

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > Let's Talk About Idiots! We can't stop here, this is Ba'ath country!

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Crab Dad: Dec 28, 2002; behold i have tempered and refined thee, but not as silver; as CRAB

Beach Bum posted:

Anecdotes being what they are...

My first actual firearm was given to me at 16, though I'd had a BB gun since 8 and had been duck hunting since 10, with smaller shotguns like a .410 double and the A5 Twenty I received at 16. My father explained all the rules very clearly, drilled me on them regularly, and also outlined the consequences of breaking those rules, to the tune of "I will likely die and be gone forever, or at least be maimed for life" which scared the ever-loving poo poo out of me. We also went out and practiced regularly before hunting outings.

I ain't shot anyone, and the only AD I've ever had was due to a mal-adjusted adjustable trigger mechanism on my Winchester Model 75. I thank the above training and experience for having me keep the gun pointed at the ground when I chambered the round and the firing pin dropped, because it fuckin' scared the poo poo out of me.

I've cut loose friends from range trips because my super-anal firearms safety techniques "annoy" them.

Yeah my boy is 8 and can�t even be bothered to wipe his own rear end properly so taking him shooting isn�t very high on my priorities. Attention to detail kiddo.
I really want to but while he�s intelligent he�s displaying a big lack of self control.
His twin sister could care less.

# ? Nov 26, 2018 16:27

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# ? May 31, 2024 21:54

canyoneer: Sep 13, 2005; I only have canyoneyes for you

Medal of Honor recipient Dakota Meyer shot an M203 from 2 feet away at a Taliban fighter who was trying to capture him. Beaned the guy right in the chest and knocked him over. He ended up smooshing the guy's head in with a "baseball sized rock" with the undetonated frag round at both of their feet. :stare:

Because this is the idiots thread, I should mention that he married Bristol Palin (yes, that one) and had two kids together before they divorced this year.

# ? Nov 26, 2018 17:01

CommieGIR: Aug 22, 2006; The blue glow is a feature, not a bug; Pillbug

canyoneer posted:

Because this is the idiots thread, I should mention that he married Bristol Palin (yes, that one) and had two kids together before they divorced this year.

And, oh boy, their relationship was a joyous one.

And by joyous I mean a smorgasbord of train wrecks.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bristol_Palin#Relationships_and_children

# ? Nov 26, 2018 17:12

Jaguars!: Jul 31, 2012

MA-Horus posted:

oh hello there fellow CF weekend warrior

let me tell you about the time I spent more time clearing stoppages on my 50 year old HiPo in a jungle lane than actually shooting it

Territorials all the loving way. 1987 Steyrs that did that, LSWs so worn out they'd only cycle on adverse. Section commanders screaming out fire orders that result in a couple of anaemic pops while half the section clears their rifles. Gonna be weird with the new LMTs in the next bush exercise to actually hear a fire order given that results in sustained fire.

I've seen two NDs where guys have put together rifles they've been cleaning and done a function test over the rest of their section, the first one about 30cm over my head. Luckily both blanks.

# ? Nov 27, 2018 00:25

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

My dad ND'd a 22 pistol into the gun safe one time when I was younger. Luckily it didn't ricochet. Which is funny because if I'd done something that stupid I'd have never heard the end of it. I was about 20 feet away in my room and slept through the whole thing.

# ? Nov 27, 2018 02:23

Lead out in cuffs: Sep 18, 2012; "That's right. We've evolved."

"I can see that. Cool mutations."

LtCol J. Krusinski posted:

When I was a kid I saw one of my cousins accidentally shoot our uncle right in the head. I hadn�t gone back to hunting until this year because that one incident made me extremely skiddish about being around rednecks and guns in the deer woods.

It was a dumb accident but that�s what happens when you arm a goddamn 12 year old.

(Those are the ones that a 5-year-old shot his 2-year-old sister in the head with.)

https://www.cnn.com/2013/05/01/us/kentucky-accidential-shooting/index.html

Edit: rehosted image.

Lead out in cuffs fucked around with this message at 06:17 on Nov 27, 2018

# ? Nov 27, 2018 02:46

my kinda ape: Sep 15, 2008; Everything's gonna be A-OK; Oven Wrangler

Lead out in cuffs posted:

(Those are the ones that a 5-year-old shot his 2-year-old sister in the head with.)

https://www.cnn.com/2013/05/01/us/kentucky-accidential-shooting/index.html

What the gently caress? Normal people don't trust five year olds with real scissors much less a .22

# ? Nov 27, 2018 02:54

Flikken: Oct 23, 2009; 10,363 snaps and not a playoff win to show for it

I ND'd in Basic on a rifle range. Rifle was still down range while I was in the foxhole, but yeah, it went off when I did not want it to while a cease fire was being called

It's me, I'm the idiot.

# ? Nov 27, 2018 03:02

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

I've told the story of my dumbass cousin who shot himself in the leg multiple times.

# ? Nov 27, 2018 03:04

Memento: Aug 25, 2009; Bleak Gremlin

MA-Horus posted:

oh hello there fellow CF weekend warrior

let me tell you about the time I spent more time clearing stoppages on my 50 year old HiPo in a jungle lane than actually shooting it

Yeah, at least when I did it the Hi Powers were only about ~30 years old so we got some quality time actually putting bullets ~~on paper~~into the backstop.

# ? Nov 27, 2018 03:18

Malachite_Dragon: Mar 31, 2010; Weaving Merry Christmas magic

Casimir Radon posted:

I've told the story of my dumbass cousin who shot himself in the leg multiple times.

Tell us again, we could use a feel-good story.

# ? Nov 27, 2018 03:25

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

Malachite_Dragon posted:

Tell us again, we could use a feel-good story.

He got a bachelor's in chemistry because he figured that being a pharmacist would be easy money. But be got lovely grades so getting into pharmacy school was out of his reach. On top of which his dad had him and his sister take out student loans to keep his failing business afloat, so he owes for more than just his education. So he's stuck working chemistry jobs that most high school grads could handle, and that don't pay very well. A bunch of what he does make goes to pay for guns. So 6 years back he's sitting around his apartment, drunk, and decides he wants to play with the new holster he got for a compact .40. He was probably doing something else stupid like quickdraws but never admitted to it that I've heard. Gun goes off, hits him in the leg, and now he gets to walk funny for the rest of his life. He got a misdemeanor for discharging a firearm in an occupied dwelling. I don't think they ended up going after him for handling while drunk which is a real shame. He was also let go from his job because they didn't want to have him on the books for 6 months while he recuperated at his parents house.

For some people this would have been a wakeup call. But no, he's the same stupid piece of poo poo he's been since high school.

# ? Nov 27, 2018 03:37

Arishtat: Jan 2, 2011

ND #1 - Germany, an SFC watched the entire guard force clear their weapons, then did the same except he forgot to drop the mag from his M16 and �pop� off it went into the clearing barrel.

ND #2/3 - Iraq, same dude, same weapon, two different times. For some reason he liked to �check� the safety on his 249 by squeezing the trigger. I wasn�t personally around for the first time, but the 2nd time he did it with the whole platoon in close proximity. No one was hurt. He lost rank and got shipped back to the FA battalion to go count rocks or something.

Not NDs but worth mentioning:

A friend had a hang fire on his 50 during gunnery. The engagement clock was still running so he racked the slide on the gun and the round fired while out the chamber. It scared the poo poo out of him and the rest of the crew.

And finally it�s idiot time, the idiot was me! I had a misfire l my MK-19 at the same gunnery and without a thought I just racked the next round into the chamber which dropped the misfired round on to my TC. He made an unholy screech and scooted as far away from it as he could get. Having �killed� the target I reached down, snagged the round and winged it into the tree line.

# ? Nov 27, 2018 04:12

CainFortea: Oct 15, 2004

I did once have an actual Accidental Discharge. I had this old lever gun that some fudd had worked over and was working on getting it back into good shape.

It had a hair trigger, didn't always cycle right, so on. One time after i've done some fiddling with it I took it out to go test it. The trigger and poo poo was much better, but for some reason the action would lock right the gently caress up.

There was a bullet in the chamber, so we double checked no one was in the quarry with us, and I started working that fucker. Ended up putting it on my leg pointed it up and was jerking the lever when it went off. With the lever not fully engaged, so I never really figured out how the gently caress it did that. Put a hole in my popup canopy.

# ? Nov 27, 2018 04:21

EBB: Feb 15, 2005

Not exactly an ND story, but the hosed up tanks we had for training at Knox misfired constantly so we were always using the dynamo trigger. Then one time we shot off a round and the aft cap got stuck in the breech. They taught us to wait two minutes but nope E-6 evaluator just had to yank the drat thing out. Black smoke starts spewing out of the breech since the bore evacuator couldn't do its job of removing combustion gas correctly. I'm doing okay in the commander's seat but after a few seconds I was hauling my gunner up for fresh air as the crew compartment filled up with black smoke. That poo poo is whatever is left after the magnesium and TNT in the shell finish burning so the super cancer is coming.

# ? Nov 27, 2018 04:24

Steezo: Jun 16, 2003; Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!

Shot just the powder charge out of a M198 155mm howitzer once. Exactly once. Its when the new (as of 2001 or 2002?) ET (electronic timed) fuzes were being tested, had the nerds from the company that makes them out there and it was a lot of "by piece, by round, at my command" (by gun, by bullet, one at a time). The command you're usually waiting for at the end of your FIRE MISSION (which your supposed to yell when you hear it, like with general order #2) is QUADRANT, which per SOP at the time, probably still is, is FDC passing on the command to load and follow method of fire and control.

By piece, by round, at my command sometimes means time on target type missions, or you're prepping for a raid or you're in training and they want to see which gun or crew is the most or least hosed up or it's some crawl, walk, run poo poo as things get stepped up during a training op. So it's usually slow. Like you fuze up the round, set the fuze (time for timed fuzes, so forth and so on) and then can be waiting minutes or hours to get the command to fire. A repeat call is issued to the gun line via them saying QUADRANT (number goes here) over the comms again. It can also be used as the command to go hot and fire. It's the go word at the end of the DA 4513 basically. Since of course there is a specific obscure DoD paper for this. Some time around noon, but after we'd fired a few rounds and had a few "standby" calls that last for 30 minutes or longer as kinks are worked out somewhere and at least once had to pull a powder out after being ready to pull lanyard due to I think hot tube conditions (or just waiting for long enough in training, you pull it and put it back in the aluminum can it came in)

Blah blah blah, wall of text, lots of our time spent waiting, listening, bored out of our loving minds and Marines being what they are, standby and nap, gently caress around, trade insults, dig holes, insult dug hole, get to dig new hole, forget that we're still technically still in a fire mission and hear the holy word QUADRANT and being kinda smoked at this point somehow the ammo team forgot there wasn't a round in the tube and the powder monkey and number one man load and fire a powder.

Most of us realized it was just a powder sometime after we ran a half mile in record time away from the gun except the Section Chief, one of the most Irish American people in the Corps at the time, who once drank my roommates wild turkey dinner on thanksgiving after fighting with his wife, only to have the MPs come and fetch him, who was just laughing at the whole thing. Which left us wondering if he was suicidal or something because fire pouring out of the front of the end of the tube means a stuck round, which is going to get hotter and hotter until it goes off. Except this rear end in a top hat had already seen idiots shoot just a powder several times. He laughed for days. We were the idiots. About seven of us. Not including the company reps who also ran like gently caress.

TL:DR once, at Marine camp, we ND'd a howitzer. It shot fire. Just fire. Like several meters of fire straight out of the tube. While the deranged leader just laughed, possibly welcoming fast hot death.

Edit: No one I've met in the Army or Guard has been quite the same kind of broken as the other Marines I know.

# ? Nov 27, 2018 06:55

Godholio: Aug 28, 2002; Does a bear split in the woods near Zheleznogorsk?

Frankly that sounds like the most awesome fuckup in this thread.

# ? Nov 27, 2018 07:07

Memento: Aug 25, 2009; Bleak Gremlin

Steezo posted:

TL:DR once, at Marine camp, we ND'd a howitzer. It shot fire. Just fire. Like several meters of fire straight out of the tube. While the deranged leader just laughed, possibly welcoming fast hot death.

owns

# ? Nov 27, 2018 07:14

EBB: Feb 15, 2005

Closest thing I can find, that sure must have been a sight coming out the tube.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ske8YmHrt8w

# ? Nov 27, 2018 07:30

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

Casimir Radon posted:

Which is funny because if I'd done something that stupid I'd have never heard the end of it.

Ah, parents. Make a mistake and they'll hound you for the rest of your life about how dumb you are. They make the same mistake, there was clearly a reason.

# ? Nov 27, 2018 15:17

MA-Horus: Dec 3, 2006; I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.

Memento posted:

owns

One of the (few) benefits of 105, cased ammo so you can't make this mistake (unless you're a real chucklefuck)

Steezo do Marine gunners cross-train on other gun positions? I did an ex with a battery of marine 155s and a dude I was working with had been a loader for 5 loving years and did nothing else on the gun. We all thought it was a little strange but holy god did that crew function like a well-oiled machine, that guy moved rounds like they were nothing.

# ? Nov 27, 2018 15:22

Steezo: Jun 16, 2003; Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!

That can depend on the battery or batallion. In my battery we did. If you were there more than a few months they were getting you gunner certified and expected you to know every job on the gun line. Doesn't mean you'd do every job on the gun line, especially if you were a big fucker who could a-gun and do ammo without tiring. Elevating that tube for 400+ mil missions gets tiring fast and a-gunners usually do ammo once the quadrant is set.

Obligatory I'm the idiot for enlisting more than once.

# ? Nov 27, 2018 15:34

Itchy_Grundle: Feb 22, 2003

Not me but I actually know the guy who famously fired an artillery round off post at Ft. Still and hit a gas station.

# ? Nov 27, 2018 21:02

canyoneer: Sep 13, 2005; I only have canyoneyes for you

Itchy_Grundle posted:

Not me but I actually know the guy who famously fired an artillery round off post at Ft. Still and hit a gas station.

Not to be confused with that time at Ft Sill when an off-target artillery shell landed in the middle of 80 soldiers in formation at Basic.

# ? Nov 27, 2018 21:10

Itchy_Grundle: Feb 22, 2003

canyoneer posted:

Not to be confused with that time at Ft Sill when an off-target artillery shell landed in the middle of 80 soldiers in formation at Basic.

Yipes. At least with the gas station no one was hurt.

# ? Nov 27, 2018 21:37

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

https://newsok.com/article/2282283/fort-sill-has-witnessed-minor-fatal-artillery-accidents-since-1955

Apparently Fort Sill already had a reputation by the 80s of repeatedly accidentally blowing itself up.

# ? Nov 27, 2018 22:11

Vincent Van Goatse: Nov 8, 2006; Enjoy every sandwich.; Smellrose

chitoryu12 posted:

https://newsok.com/article/2282283/fort-sill-has-witnessed-minor-fatal-artillery-accidents-since-1955

Apparently Fort Sill already had a reputation by the 80s of repeatedly accidentally blowing itself up.

I'm shocked that article starts as late as 1955.

# ? Nov 27, 2018 23:59

Godholio: Aug 28, 2002; Does a bear split in the woods near Zheleznogorsk?

Vincent Van Goatse posted:

I'm shocked that article starts as late as 1955.

The Greatest Generation never made mistakes.

# ? Nov 28, 2018 02:10

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

Godholio posted:

The Greatest Generation never made mistakes.

Well they did make the boomers...

# ? Nov 28, 2018 02:54

Phanatic: Mar 13, 2007; Please don't forget that I am an extremely racist idiot who also has terrible opinions about the Culture series.

Itchy_Grundle posted:

Not me but I actually know the guy who famously fired an artillery round off post at Ft. Still and hit a gas station.

Jesus, so literally this?

https://youtu.be/Qz0ooRpJZFQ

# ? Nov 28, 2018 23:38

quite stretched out: Feb 17, 2011; the chillest

https://twitter.com/TaskandPurpose/status/1067843326177656833

# ? Nov 29, 2018 22:48

The Rat: Aug 29, 2004; You will find no one to help you here. Beth DuClare has been dissected and placed in cryonic storage.

That headline is amazing.

# ? Nov 29, 2018 23:28

Wingnut Ninja: Jan 11, 2003; Mostly Harmless

Air Force: we just don't understand why it's so hard to retain pilots.

Also the Air Force: everyone now has to take a vow of celibacy before any cross-country flights.

_{Yeah I know this is ANG but whatever.}

# ? Nov 30, 2018 00:06

The Rat: Aug 29, 2004; You will find no one to help you here. Beth DuClare has been dissected and placed in cryonic storage.

It gets better, check out the call sign
https://www.jqpublicblog.com/usaf-c...-vLcdGNZApBMMqw

# ? Nov 30, 2018 00:15

quite stretched out: Feb 17, 2011; the chillest

The Rat posted:

It gets better, check out the call sign
https://www.jqpublicblog.com/usaf-c...-vLcdGNZApBMMqw

hahahahahaha

# ? Nov 30, 2018 01:21

Anil Dikshit: Apr 11, 2007

Was �punani� already taken?

# ? Nov 30, 2018 02:19

shame on an IGA: Apr 8, 2005

quote:

In the end, he was allowed to retire with full benefits and keep his security clearance.

Hang all nobles

# ? Nov 30, 2018 04:19

Wasabi the J: Jan 23, 2008; MOM WAS RIGHT

Man, all y'all acting like you wouldn't take a fighter jet to go smash are liars.

# ? Nov 30, 2018 11:21

Blade_of_tyshalle: Jul 12, 2009; If you think that, along the way, you're not going to fail... you're blind.

There's no one I've ever met, no matter how successful they are, who hasn't said they had their failures along the way.

Smash an insurgent's morale, sure.

# ? Nov 30, 2018 11:35

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# ? May 31, 2024 21:54

Carth Dookie: Jan 28, 2013

Wasabi the J posted:

Man, all y'all acting like you wouldn't take a fighter jet to go smash are liars.

Landing a harrier outside a girl's house is a bigger power move than pulling up in a Ferrari.

# ? Nov 30, 2018 11:45

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