bloom posted:

https://i.imgur.com/oWFharw.mp4

M_Sinistrari posted:

My cousin posted something similar to this on Facebook, but the turkey's twerking it's way into the oven.

Dixville posted:

You mean the twerky??

uber_stoat posted:

you gotta dive in there face first before they can escape.

AlbieQuirky posted:

Sir Mix-a-Lot could not be reached for comment.

SLOSifl posted:

My pet iguana don’t want none unless they got buns hun

Keru posted:

Does anyone remember the old forum post about how freight trains long to kill you and when the accident eventually happens the board will find the driver responsible because they thought about Weed once, or something like that? I remember it being a lot of explanations about how tight the tolerances between the carriages are because of all the mass being moved etc.

B4Ctom1 posted:

Pretty much this. It is hard to explain not just the physics, but the amounts of forces involved.

We use throttle to create stretching or "draft" forces and dynamic braking (think of downhill engine braking in a car) to create bunching or "buff" forces.

To start with, when you are running the train, you are feathering the throttle or dynamic braking to keep "in train forces" at acceptable levels. This is based upon the terrain each part of the train is passing over.

Even small changes in grade, if there are enough of them under the length of the train, are enough to break knuckles, rip out draw bars, or derail cars simply by doing "nothing at all" at the wrong time.

In these situations heavier applications of power or dynamic brake are required to keep these "in train forces" down.

Think of a large sliced loaf of bread. I take the wrapper off of it and ask you to carry it across the room. One hand on each end should suffice. A small amount of pressure to keep the bread from being crushed and across the room you go.

The knuckle and drawbar connections between the cars seem very strong to the layman, but when compared to the amount of weight of loaded freight cars, and all of the cars behind them piled upon it, it may as well be dental floss.

You can break dental floss easily, but the difference is that it is hard to "crush" dental floss.

The poster I have quoted above is addressing something we call "train make up". THe "in train forces" can be additionally effected by the way cars or groups of cars are placed in the train. Long cars next to short cars, loads next to empties.

Generally freight trains that are not hauling a bulk of the same commodity are mixed freight. A bulk commodity train would be an entire train of wheat or coal. These trains are very heavy, and have their own set of problems, but in general do not have any issue of train make up because all of the cars are generally the same weight and type. Mixed freight trains are the most common types of trains on the main rail thoroughfares.

A mixed freight train I haul might have 25 heavy loaded lumber cars, 15 empty or loaded auto racks, 20 empty or loaded tank cars of various lengths, 30 empty or loaded covered hopper cars of various lengths, and 30 loaded or empty boxcars of two different lengths.

So for this example train of 120 cars. Lets say it weighs 7900 tons and is 9000 feet (2.75KM) long.

I am traveling along at 50 MPH.

The "head end" of the train has passed the bottom of the grade and the train is still descending the grade. As about half of the train leaves the grade I am looking ahead at the next grade to climb directly ahead. I have been using dynamic brake and need to "transition" from braking to power. I move the lever into the idle position and begin waiting my 10 seconds. In my my mind, from experience, I know that I need to rapidly, but gently begin notching through my power notches without allowing my train to accelerate past 50 MPH which I am restricted to.

The very head of the train is traveling around a slight curvature in the track. I also need to see that the next signal is green "clear" so that I do not have to formulate an entire other plan as a reduction of speed might be required instead. I see that the signal is flashing yellow "advanced approach". This will mean a reduction of speed to 40 MPH and a possible stop short of the second signal ahead.

As I am thinking of what I am to do next and waiting for the 10 seconds to pass, the next crossing becomes visible and I see that there is a truck hauling a low slung trailer with a heavy piece of equipment on it. He is blocking the crossing because his low slung trailer is stuck on the raised rail and crossing lumber that you drive across.

Without hesitation or further consideration, I slam the brake handle into the emergency position, dumping all the trainline air. I reach up and toggle the switch that ensures that the "End Of Train" device dumps from the rear as well. I bail off the locomotive air brakes because they are so powerful in a situation like this, that they can cause such a massive buff forces which will certainly derail a train. Additionally they can crumple or destroy the track beneath them.

While in earlier transition from dynamic braking to power "slack" had developed in the train. Slack is neither draft or buff, but more of a null position like rail cars standing in a yard not connected to a train. A developed space between cars where they are sort of relaxed.

As the air dumped from the train-line, the brake valves on each car sense this emergency and dump the full value of air contained within their emergency reservoir into the large cylinder that applies the brakes giving each car higher than usual stopping power.

Somewhere near the head end of the train a group of empty tank cars having such massive braking power begin to stop the train, but right behind them a group of heavy loaded hoppers presses against them, their own braking being less substantial. A tank car of Anhydrous Ammonia right between the groups which has been taking the brunt of these two opposing forces has a wheel that lifts off the rail as it is being pressed around a curve. This car, the car ahead of it, and nine of the loaded hopper cars behind it all leave the rail and head into a tiny quiet suburb in the middle of the night.

Half way back in the train where the most of the box cars are, they settle down for their stop. Still bunched because they were still descending the hill. The heavy loads of lumber fighting them as they come to a stop. Even though on straight track the, one end of an empty boxcar in the group begins to lift into the air. The opposing force of the heavy lumber cars and the stopping train ahead of it is too much. As it sets back down the wheels miss the track and begin to erase the track, all of the cars behind it having no track to ride on begin to take paths of their own in each direction.

Near the back of the train the auto-rack settle down hard. Harder than the group of heavy lumber cars ahead of them. This causes one of the long 500+ pound (230kg) draw-bars in the third auto-rack to be sheared from place. For a moment it tumbles through space, whistling though the wind in contact with only the air. Then it strikes a tie and the car passing above it in vaulted, only inches off of the rail, and a carload of new rangerovers tumbles end over end into a reservoir of drinking water.

The drawbar is angry, propelled by its last impact it drops onto the rail for a moment derailing a load of mini coopers, a load of corvettes, a load of ford diesel pickups, and a load of prius. The last of the autoracks ram into those derailed and the drawbar impales itself through the bottom of a boxcar piercing 20 cases of aged Glenfiddich.

Back on the locomotive, pressed forward by the loads behind, we cover the half mile to the stuck trailer in about 45 seconds. My conductor sees that the piece of equipment is a D9 Caterpillar bulldozer and screams like a woman as he jumps from his window at 35 mph. The fall from 15 feet in the air certainly would have killed him but instead he tumbled and struck feet first shattering his legs in 20 places and cartwheeling to his death as his head exploded when it struck the hard granite ballast some 20 times or so in the cartwheeling tumble. It takes 24 hours for them to find his body under crumpled boxcars.

I run out the back door to the second locomotive where I lay down in the cab. The impact at 35 mph is brutal. The second locomotive which I am on climbs under the front locomotive. The third locomotive does the same to mine. When the locomotive comes to a rest, is on its side, and both my arms are broken.

I drown, face down, in 200 gallons of brownish, blueish sewage from a chemical toilet long overdue for a cleaning. But my dignity is preserved because a fire from the combined 12,000 gallons (45.5 Kiloliters) of fuel burns for 3 days incinerating me and most of the locomotives completely.

The undocumented worker driving the truck with the wedged trailer disappears.

During the conductor's autopsy, trace amounts of THC from a brownie he consumed 3 weeks earlier while on vacation in Amsterdam are found to be the cause of the accident.

It was also noted in the government report that the cellphone of an engineer on a different train following ours was "on" at the time of our impact, and this may have contributed to the wreck.

H.P. Hovercraft posted:

Outrail posted:

Hahaha what. Monopoly takes too long at the best of times, I'm not spending two weeks playing that poo poo lmao

Torquemadras posted:

I dunno where to put this. But I made a thing, so it's going here.



It was very cold outside

Pookah posted:

Earmuffs or....


BudgerEarGuards

Pirate Radar posted:

LGD posted:

monopoly is very much a Bad Game and there are vastly better ones you could be playing instead, but a lot of the agonizingly endless games people remember from childhood were due to terrible house rules designed to make it "fairer", which is precisely besides the point

if people play to win and you actually auction properties and don't do stupid poo poo like having free parking reinject fine money into circulation/etc. most games actually end in a reasonable timeframe

cakesmith handyman posted:

He was making a fortnite/fortnight joke you Goober

LGD posted:

goddamnit

Outrail posted:

Made it to the quote thread! Vindication!

You missed the best bit:

mr.capps posted:

The internet is an insane asylum. Something Awful is the section where they put all the inmates who are delusional and think they're staff

themrguy posted:

I wonder if when Lowtax started the forums he imagined stuff like repeated visits from the secret service , an insane person using them to document his amateur attempts at battlefield surgery, multiple murders, the aforementioned Hawaii death march, threads dedicated to the writing of dubiously legal erotica, people mailing him animal poo poo and people literally encouraging others to kill themselves with drugs. Like did he see these things in the future when decided to make a place for people to make internet jokes with each other

Tatum Girlparts posted:

You're not so much speaking truth to power as you are farting in your own face and going "WHAT SMELLS LIKE poo poo IN THESE FORUMS?!"

Cream-of-Plenty posted:

Even though the thread was (ostensibly) closed because a certain hockey player was worshiping them as false idols, I have it on good authority that the butthole thread was actually closed because its popularity had pushed it to the top of the Google search pile. As a result, SomethingAwful was going to be flagged as an "opt-in" pornographic site in several countries, including Great Britain and Oceania, which would have cut into SA's profits. This is because Australian goons are disproportionately uncultured morons, and the revenue generated from them re-registering, replacing avatars, and chittering like spiders keeps most of SA's servers afloat. The AusPol thread, alone, generates close to AUS$2,500 a month which, when factoring purchasing power parity, is like US$700

Doc Hawkins posted:

I judge people, not by the color of their title, but by the content of their posts.

Triticum Guzzler posted:

When is the HOLY loving poo poo IT WOULD BE BORDERLING loving UNBELIEVABLE IF YOU UNFUNNY CLODS WERE STILL DOING THIS STUPID poo poo AFTER 300+ PAGES IF NOT FOR THE FACT THAT GOONS SEEM TO BE PHYSIOLOGICALLY INCAPABLE OF MAKING JOKES AND OPERATE ON THE UNSPOKEN BASIS THAT ANYTHING OTHER GOONS DO IN NUMBERS GREATER THAN 3 IS INHERENTLY FUNNY BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL MINDLESS HOMESCHOOLED WINDBAGS WHOSE STUNTED COGNITIVE AND PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT HAS RENDERED THEM UTTERLY INCAPABLE OF INDEPENDENT THOUGHT AND LEFT THEM ENTIRELY BEREFT OF ANYTHING SO MUCH AS APPROACHING A VESTIGIAL SENSE OF HUMOUR LEFT OVER FROM THE LONG LINE OF HUMANS WHOSE DEAD EYED AUTISTIC HATESPAWN THROUGH SOME BOUNDLESS COSMIC IRONY SOMEHOW WOUND UP AMASSED ON A COMEDY WEBSITE AND RENDERED WIT INEFFECTIVE THROUGH SOME MANNER OF HERD IMMUNITY FOSTERING A TOXIC ENVIRONMENT FOR ORIGINAL IDEATION AND REWARDING CONSTANT MIRTHLESS REPETITION FOR NO DISCERNABLE REASON set to be released, it seems like a heck of a deal

Dan Didio posted:

You either legit have a disorder, or your body chemistry has exchanged water for pedantry.

TetsuoTW posted:

If you were any further on the spectrum your posts would only be visible to bees

peepoogenderparts posted:

One night, someone went into the bathroom and literally shat six feet up the wall. I don't know the physics or the science of how it was possible, but I saw it with my own eyes. It is probably the most amazing thing I will ever see in my life.

I feel bad for my future wife because if we have kids, and she happens to say, "Isn't he/she the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" I'll have to say, "Well, actually, one time someone shat vertically up a tile wall and it blew my mind."

KBD posted:

OH BOY I have had an adventure. This morning I was getting fruit and veggies from a farm truck. The man that runs it has a very kindly and understanding face. He looks like he's made from 100% grandpa. This confidence-inspiring man pulls out a box of plum treats and insists I try one, his wife made them!

Now plums give me the shits at the best of times, and on my period I'm especially challenged in the poop density department. But how can you say no to grandpa?! And really, how bad can ONE walnut-filled plum the size of half a golf ball be? HOW BAD CAN IT POSSIBLY BE?!!

I go home, figure I'll give it an hour to see what happens, eat lunch as usual. Do some stretching, some work. Still feelin' fine! Time to go shopping!!!

It happens in the perfume store. I'm sniffing different samples, and ask for something distinct yet light. "This one has an unusual note", says the shop assistant. "Coconut", I confidently agree. HURRGURGLE HURRFHLE, my intestines declare. "Excuse me", I say.

Distance between perfume department and bathrooms: 20 meters
Pace: 6:25
Actual distance: eternity
Time elapsed: 00:03:12

"I'll take it", I say.

OKAY, I think, that wasn't so bad? I feel fine! In fact, I feel downright ravenous! Maybe I should get some more of that smoked tuna back at my neighborhood supermarket! Cool!

It happens at the counter.

If you've ever been to a Balkan country, you'll know that letting the cashier chat with you, her friend, and herself (often simultaneously) is an integral part of the checkout process. It is physically impossible to speed this part up and would be rude to try. Unfortunately the cashier ladies have taken a liking to me (most likely because I'm too culturally incompetent to extricate myself), and so we were already at the fifth baby picture by the time my intestinal situation got upgraded from "imagine if I pooped myself, haha oh man" to THIS poo poo IS HAPPENING LITERALLY THIS poo poo IS HAPPENING

I can only assume that my GRIMACE OF TORTUROUS PAIN AND EMOTIONAL SUFFERING was interpreted as a cultural quirk I'd picked up abroad because that lady would NOT scan the final goddamn item. Time and again my eyes would, desperately, follow her hand as it picked up the crucial bottle of yogurt... only to put it down again as I just HAD to see YET ANOTHER PICTURE OF SOMETHING THAT LOOKS LIKE AN OVERGROWN SLUG.

Finally I burst out a clipped "Madam I am having historically bad shits today so if you have any love in your heart at this time of year PLEASE scan that goddamn Kefir NOW"

At which she started laughing hysterically and telling me how I had a way with words and did I know her son wrote poetry?!! And was SINGLE?



I pride myself on very rarely harboring homicidal tendencies but sweet holy.

To wrap up the Tale of the Potent Plum I sort of crouch-sprinted my way home, employing my full glute strength. Made it in time. Barely. BARELY. As in: had those pants dropped a mere microsecond later, their pants career would have been over

It is clear to me now that that sweet old man was shaytan himself pimping his evil forbidden fruit. I can't even guess at what was IN thatng. ASIDES FROM PURE EVIL AND MALICIOUSNESS.

It burned with the power of a thousand plums

Fartmaster posted:

Some time in around 6th grade, I decided it would be a great idea if I took a picture of every poo poo I took, with my new, first cellphone (it was RED, I don't really like red). I got around 15 or so, and I was even enthusiastic enough to make a video documenting one that I took. I gradually got bored of it and stopped doing it and never bothered to delete them from my phone. A month or two later I forgot to turn my cellphone off before school, and it rang in class (probably someone trying to give me BOAT PASSES or some poo poo) so I had to give it to the teacher, who later on turned it in at the office for pickup after school.

When I got my cellphone back after school, I opened it up planning on calling my Mom to come pick me up, but I found it to be opened at the "Pictures" section. "That's odd" I thought. "I don't remember leaving this at the pictures section." Then it hit me that what I'm looking at, and what potentially the Vice Principal or whoever was looking at, was those pictures of my shits I took. The way my phone was formatted you could pretty much only see one picture at a time, and it was open to the last picture. Meaning that someone had to click through every one of my pictures to get to the last one.

For a good long while I felt ashamed, like the Vice Principal or whoever would think I'm some weird fuckin' kid, I thought that way for a few years even, when I remembered it.

But now thinking back on it, I think it's funny as poo poo. (So maybe not ashamed of it anymore, but hey I was at one point)

PipeRifle posted:

Nah kitten poops are goddamn nuclear. I would know if he pooped under my neighbors bedspread. I can feel it from work when he poops, it's like someone walked over my nose's grave

PoopinClumpin posted:

Last night, after that engadget thing I went to Rattlesnake Grill, though it's not really near the Garden I only mention it because that's how it all started.

The Boar burrito was pretty good, and I had some of my wife's antelope tacos which were also good. The service was generally OK. As an ex San Diegan I can say that tacos and other mex doesn't usually "affect" me very much. Even refried beans. Also I'm not usually very superstitious.

But now I'm pretty sure the menu I ordered from was either a Ouiji board or maybe a torn necronomicon page because I've had nothing but demonic farts coming out of me for the last 12 hours. I'm certain my butt's now haunted by some sort of rear end-poltergeist. It's probably going to ruin my marriage and I'm worried the neighbors are calling the cops to complain about me stealing their oxygen or something.

I say all this just to get it out in the open and to let any poor fools know ahead of time, if you're going to the NIN show tonight at the Garden and you're curious why balcony 306 smells like ten thousand open graves with a hint of cilantro; Yes, it's the spicy specters in my cursed bowels.

quote:

The cats now hiss at me anytime I come near. They know. I'm not sure how; could it be that I sound like rubbery staccato, maybe a vuvuzela crowd at a Brazilian soccer game? In any case, they are aware, as you will be, of the malevolent gastronomical ghost which has taken up residence in my colon.

I'm now searching for a way to rid myself of this stank spirit but it might not be in time.

Please heed my warning if you are going to the NIN show. Bring earplugs but also bring noseplugs, one will save your hearing, the other will save your sanity

rakovsy maybe posted:

No one has any rights that aren't given by society, they don't exist in some nether realm of Platonic ideas. Nor are people the absolute arbiters of what happens to their bodies

Drunk & Ugly posted:

gently caress you first year college goon. I'm absolutely making GBS threads into my own mouth and puking into my anus right now and I claim it as a human right.

Try and stop me, and not vomit.

(But really I hate all of your ideas)

edit: Also if anyone looks at my post history I just want to make it clear I'm on a poop humor kick lately among other things, let it run its course please

TetsuoTW posted: posted:

If you were any further on the spectrum your posts would only be visible to bees

orange sky posted:

Did the gender reveal chat start with this? because if it didn't, have this precious story

https://twitter.com/SkyNews/status/1067715324290744321

quote:

U.S. Border Patrol agent Dennis Dickey is suspected of shooting Tannerite, which caused the explosion seen in the video.

Dickey was sentenced to pay $100,000 and $500 every month for the next 20 years in October for the fire. He also agreed to appear in a public service announcement about the cause of the fire.

spog posted:

Seems a fairly fair sentence

Platystemon posted:

The judge should have held a sentence reveal party.

Moon Slayer posted:

As the thread title says, I am easily amused.

Outrail posted:

Dude was a dumb piece of poo poo but goddamn that's crippling amount of debt. Personally I'd ask for the 6-12 months of jail time.

Neddy Seagoon posted:

I know the one you mean. It's the explanation of what happens when a train crashes;

Nckdictator posted:

So on another site I visit various people are doing write ups on obscure or bizarre political ideologies and between things like “Anarcho-Monarchisim” and “Producerism” there’s also “Esoteric Hitlerisim” which is hosed up even for neo-nazis

A mixture of Nazism and a sort of bastardized Hinduism, with a dash of mysticism for flavor...

Azhais posted:

Is Producerism based on Mel Brooks?

bony tony posted:

Springtime for Vishnu and India!

Flossie posted:

Click on the first quote to read the whole description of Esoteric Hitlerism, it's a wild ride.

Absurd Alhazred posted:

I read a book about Nazi educational materials written by a pedagogy researcher, and they were deeply into this occult nonsense. So while the subject matter sounds wild, it's actually painfully historically relevant.

Captain Monkey posted:

He's a Border Patrol Agent that started a huge wildfire.

I'm fine with him being financially ruined.

canyoneer posted:

Sorry to say, they make pretty good scratch so having an extra car payment for the next 20 years isn't going to ruin him

bump_fn posted:

bump_fn posted:

haveblue posted:

Does anyone have the quote from a zookeeper about the different reactions various kinds of ape have to finding a loose screwdriver in their enclosure?

haveblue posted:

Does anyone have the quote from a zookeeper about the different reactions various kinds of ape have to finding a loose screwdriver in their enclosure?

quote:

My girlfriend is a zookeeper, and her zoo's primate department rule of thumb about the great apes is that if you leave say, a screwdriver on a gorilla paddock, they'll pick it up, play with it a bit, see what it tastes like, and then probably drop it. The chimps will pick it up, taste it, and then use it as a weapon during a murderous blood rage against anything in the immediate area that isn't also a chimp. The orangutans will pick it up, carefully conceal it, and while nobody is looking, use it to build a multistage rocket to return to their homeworld.

The MSJ posted:

I'm pretty sure chimps will also use it against other chimps, especially if the other chimp is higher on the social ladder than them.

Pirate Radar posted:

I think I saw that documentary once. The one with the big black rock?

Machai posted:

No, he's Samoan

Fleta Mcgurn posted:

And the bonobos will turn it into a sex toy.

Machai posted:

No, he's Samoan

Machai posted:

No, he's Samoan

Machai posted:

No, he's Samoan

shalcar posted:

They really are just like us!

Sagebrush posted:

That's classical mechanics, stupid!

awkward_turtle posted:

Zenos para-balls