/r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > /r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

JFairfax: Oct 23, 2008; by FactsAreUseless

Smirking_Serpent posted:

AITA for telling my mother that my future son will never be allowed at her house?

My wife is 37 weeks pregnant, we are the first of our family generation to have kids so it's been a big deal and everyone is super excited.

My mother doesn't have a lot of money and she has started making comments about "getting the baby's room ready". I asked her to elaborate and she says "For my GRANDSON to sleep over OF COURSE!".

She lives over 2 hours away, has 2 very large dogs she cannot control, and has an....."agriculture" business in her basement that smells the entire house.

I told her "Save your money because that's not going to happen". She thinks I'm joking at first but when she sees I'm serious she start freaking out.

From her perspective, she has waited 30 years for a grandchild and since my sister can't have kids she fuels all of her excitement into us. She has a fear of driving so her visits to us will be limited in the first place. She is taking her excitement over the top. Her friends threw her a grandma shower for fucks sake.

I told her that I will not be driving 5-10 hours per weekend so he can sleep over in a place where there are untrained massive dogs(they are sweeties but i don't want to take the chance with a 250lb st Bernard and a 150lb Newfoundland that like to jump), and an offensive smell that permeates the house.

She responds saying she has thought of all that and will be taking the train, segregating the dogs, and installing a massive air purifier in the room. I still tell her no with the logic of "I don't want my child being 2.5 hours away from me, I'm not comfortable with taking a baby on a train, we are trying to avoid formula, and even with the dogs being in another room and an air purifier where he would sleep I am not comfortable with the arrangement. I told her we can visit once in a while, but not until he's a little bit older and it's unlikely we will be sleeping over(her home smells, is small and very uncomfortable).

My mother cries like she has just lost a child. I call my sister and ask her for help(she lives a lot closer and has a much closer relationship), and she thinks I am being unreasonable. Apparently, my mother has already gotten the room ready and has been saving up for this huge air purifier/ozone generator thing and talked through it with my sister because she knows I'm a hard-rear end.

hahaha this is a good one

# ? Mar 22, 2019 03:10

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# ? May 14, 2024 01:54

Sagebrush: Feb 26, 2012

I think it would be acceptable to wear your dress uniform to a wedding if you were like dirt poor and 19 years old and just out of boot camp and literally had no other formal clothes or way to get them.

Once you've got enough money to buy a regular suit, do it and save the uniform for more appropriate occasions like veterans day or your court date

# ? Mar 22, 2019 03:40

Haifisch: Nov 13, 2010; Objection! I object! That was... objectionable!; Taco Defender

All formatting OP's.

AITA for installing a lock on my bedroom door, and keeping it locked when I'm not there?

quote:

My wife has a nasty habit of biting her nails. And she's not super on top of keeping her hands washed.

I like to eat handfuls of shredded cheese as a snack.

My wife will take my bag of cheese out of the fridge and stick her unwashed hand into my cheese, immediately after taking her fingers out of her mouth.

That is loving disgusting IMO. Now the whole bag of cheese is ruined, and my snack is gone.

So I started buying her her own bags of cheese. I clearly labeled each bag with either her name or mine.

FF to the next morning, and she has my bag of cheese. Hers is still sitting in the fridge (opened, and contaminated by her unwashed hands). She didn't bother checking the labels. So now she has two bags of cheese, and I have 0.

Next step: I buy a mini fridge and put it in my bedroom. We have seperate bedrooms, so I figured I was solving the problem.

But NO. 3 days later, I get home from work and she's sitting on my bed, eating my bag of cheese. There was still plenty of cheese in the main fridge. This is not a money issue. I don't care if she eats 100 bags of cheese. I just want my cheese to be my cheese, so I know it hasn't had unwashed hands in it.

So I installed a deadbolt on my bedroom door, and I keep my room locked whenever I am not home. Now my cheese is safe. My wife still has plenty of cheese to eat. She just no longer has access to my loving cheese.

She says it shouldn't matter, since we kiss all the time. But I don't want to eat cheese that has someone else's stale saliva on it. No matter how much I love her, food safety is food safety. She is introducing germs into a fertile breeding ground, and I just can't get over that. I need my cheese to be clean.

So, AITA?

# ? Mar 22, 2019 03:43

JFairfax: Oct 23, 2008; by FactsAreUseless

Haifisch posted:

All formatting OP's.

AITA for installing a lock on my bedroom door, and keeping it locked when I'm not there?

lol wonderful stuff

# ? Mar 22, 2019 03:44

Dewgy: Nov 10, 2005; ~🚚special delivery~📦

Haifisch posted:

All formatting OP's.

AITA for installing a lock on my bedroom door, and keeping it locked when I'm not there?

That story took a bit of a sharp turn there. :pram:

# ? Mar 22, 2019 03:49

Leon Einstein: Feb 6, 2012; I must win every thread in GBS. I don't care how much banal semantic quibbling and shitty posts it takes.

Dewgy posted:

That story took a bit of a sharp turn there.

It gouda went in any direction.

Seriously though, it's a little weird to be grossed out by your wife's spit but not that that you have his and her bags of cheese that you snack on in bed.

# ? Mar 22, 2019 03:58

sephiRoth IRA: Jun 13, 2007; "Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

Leon Einstein posted:

It gouda went in any direction.

Seriously though, it's a little weird to be grossed out by your wife's spit but not that that you have his and her bags of cheese that you snack on in bed.

/r/relationships: his and her closets, his and her bedrooms, his and her cheese bags

# ? Mar 22, 2019 04:08

Sagebrush: Feb 26, 2012

why do they sleep in separate bedrooms

# ? Mar 22, 2019 04:09

FAUXTON: Jun 2, 2005; spero che tu stia bene

Sagebrush posted:

why do they sleep in separate bedrooms

They eat handfuls of shredded cheese in bed as a loving snack

I think that pretty strongly implies they cannot fit in the same bed

# ? Mar 22, 2019 04:10

Serephina: Nov 8, 2005; 恐竜戦隊
ジュウレンジャー

Haifisch posted:

All formatting OP's.

AITA for installing a lock on my bedroom door, and keeping it locked when I'm not there?

There is so much going on here, it's amazing. My favorite bit is locking the door, not the fridge. But why does he-- shh shh, I'm not gonna go there, there's too much to unpack.

# ? Mar 22, 2019 04:10

Coca Koala: Nov 28, 2005; ongoing nowhere; College Slice

i have so many questions about that post and only like two of them are about the bags of cheese.

# ? Mar 22, 2019 04:11

blugu64: Jul 17, 2006; Do you realize that fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous communist plot we have ever had to face?

Sagebrush posted:

why do they sleep in separate bedrooms

Snoring, or conflicting schedules usually

# ? Mar 22, 2019 04:16

Haifisch: Nov 13, 2010; Objection! I object! That was... objectionable!; Taco Defender

Dug deeper and:

quote:

I get that it isn't common. But we have our reasons:

1) She snores.

2) I snore.

3) She likes to sleep in a 72 degree room, while I prefer a 66 degree room.

4) She's a blanket hog.

5) We are polyamorous, and sometimes we need our own separate beds for "activities".

6) We keep different schedules. I wake up at midnight and go to sleep at 6pm. She wakes up at noon and goes to sleep at 10pm. I don't want to wake her up coming to bed, and vice versa.

7) We can afford it. Everyone should have their own space if they can afford to, IMO. Everyone deserves to have some place that is theirs and theirs alone.

quote:
but you don't let her into yours... seems pretty weird to me, but that's besides the point.

I would have no problem letting her in my room, if she would accept that my cheese is my cheese. There was no lock on this door last week. We've been married for 28 years. This is a new problem.

# ? Mar 22, 2019 04:25

Barudak: May 7, 2007

the treachery of images, in reddit form

# ? Mar 22, 2019 04:30

Mr. Creakle: Apr 27, 2007; Protecting your virginity

Clearly he and his wife are locked in a game of "who's grosser". :barf:

Like the wife is disgusting no question but eating bags of shredded cheese as a snack? I can feel that fat through the post

EDIT Lmfao of COURSE these two doughballs are poly

# ? Mar 22, 2019 04:32

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

Of course the cheese bag people are polyamorous

Of course the cheese bag wife sleeps 14 hours a day

Of course they've been married 28 years and still keep house together worse than middle-schoolers sharing a cabin at summer camp

# ? Mar 22, 2019 04:35

afroserty: Apr 22, 2010

Haifisch posted:

Dug deeper and:

3) She likes to sleep in a 72 degree room, while I prefer a 66 degree room.

5) We are polyamorous, and sometimes we need our own separate beds for "activities".

My brain cannot loving handle this. How does this guy exist in society. How does this guy have a wife. How does this guy get other people to gently caress him???

Unless it's just the wife getting rando non-cheesebag autists to gently caress her, which is what my money is on.

# ? Mar 22, 2019 04:37

Mr. Creakle: Apr 27, 2007; Protecting your virginity

afroserty posted:

My brain cannot loving handle this. How does this guy exist in society. How does this guy have a wife. How does this guy get other people to gently caress him???

Unless it's just the wife getting rando non-cheesebag autists to gently caress her, which is what my money is on.

After you hit a certain level of repulsive your standards drop to 0 and you'll marry anything with a pulse

# ? Mar 22, 2019 04:42

MasBrillante: Dec 3, 2005; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

R/relationships: I need my cheese to be clean
R/relationships: My wife still has plenty of cheese to eat.

# ? Mar 22, 2019 04:43

spacetoaster: Feb 10, 2014

MarcusSA posted:

Yeah you are an rear end in a top hat.

It sounds like he is a younger dude and maybe it was the nicest thing he had to wear. I dunno he wasn�t being a dick or anything.

Probably. And it's extremely common.

I'm assuming this lady is very upper class and has never had to associate with lower class families who might have several members, or former members, of the military in them.

# ? Mar 22, 2019 04:43

Necros: Jul 23, 2003

you can gently caress my wife but dont you dare touch my cheese

# ? Mar 22, 2019 04:45

PHIZ KALIFA: Dec 21, 2011; #mood

dunno why the soldier played dressup at someone elses wedding when lord knows he's gonna have plenty of his own.

# ? Mar 22, 2019 04:47

the holy poopacy: May 16, 2009; hey! check this out; Fun Shoe

Sexual jealousy is an antiquated and barbaric emotion, cheese jealousy is just good rational sense

# ? Mar 22, 2019 04:48

Admiral Ray: May 17, 2014; Proud Musk and Dogecoin fanboy

Haifisch posted:

All formatting OP's.

AITA for installing a lock on my bedroom door, and keeping it locked when I'm not there?

I like this guy. He's a beacon of hope in a dark world. He sets clear, reasonable boundaries, takes reasonable steps to enforce them, and doesn't fly off the handle when those boundaries are pushed. We all could learn something from the Polyamorous Cheese Bags in this post.

# ? Mar 22, 2019 04:51

Pirate Radar: Apr 18, 2008; You're not my Ruthie!
You're not my Debbie!
You're not my Sherry!

He just wants his wife to either keep her fingers out of his cheese bags or wash her hands after having sex with other men

# ? Mar 22, 2019 04:54

Dazerbeams: Jul 8, 2009

Why bother marrying or living together? Why? Why? Why?

# ? Mar 22, 2019 04:54

Haifisch: Nov 13, 2010; Objection! I object! That was... objectionable!; Taco Defender

quote:

quote:
and you need to read "who moved my cheese?"

Will do. Just placed the Amazon order. I'll read it cover to cover as soon as I get it.

My wife insists I am overreacting. I just wanted some neutral opinions.

I just want clean cheese.

quote:

She is doing it on purpose, because she doesn't believe my food safety concerns are valid. She thinks that since we make out, I shouldn't have a problem with her saliva being in my cheese.

But there is a HUGE difference IMO between kissing someone and eating food that they basically spit on.

quote:

I dig my hand in the bag too. The difference is that my hands are washed before I do it, and I don't stick my hand in other people's cheese. I'll grab a 16oz bag of cheese and just go to town on it like it's a bag of chips. My kids do it too. But they know not to grab the bag with my name on it. My 9 year old has more respect for boundaries than my wife does.

quote:

That's the thing. I was raised the same. You never touch food with unwashed hands. And you super never touch someone else's food unless you're sure your hands are sanitary.

My wife was raised in the boonies. I've literally never once seen my MiL wash her hands in the 28 years I've known her. They're a "poo poo with the door open" kind of family. Hella redneck (and I don't mean that as an insult, her mom can build a house from scratch.).

I'm not sure if my mom went too far with her food safety, or if my MiL didn't go far enough. But my gut tells me my way is safer.

quote:

quote:
You have too many rules, how is she supposed to remember them all?

I have literally ONE rule: Don't eat my cheese.

/r/relationcheese: I'll grab a 16oz bag of cheese and just go to town on it like it's a bag of chips.

# ? Mar 22, 2019 04:57

Panfilo: Aug 27, 2011; EXISTENCE IS PAIN😬

Dazerbeams posted:

Why bother marrying or living together? Why? Why? Why?

For the cheese, of course.

# ? Mar 22, 2019 05:00

Veni Vidi Ameche!: Nov 2, 2017; by Fluffdaddy

Haifisch posted:

AITA for installing a lock on my bedroom door, and keeping it locked when I'm not there?

But NO. 3 days later, I get home from work and she's sitting on my bed, eating my bag of cheese.

Lol, goddamn is that a boss move. She�s sitting on his bed, eating directly out of his cheese satchel, while he�s forced to stand there and watch. I�ll bet she never broke eye contact.

# ? Mar 22, 2019 05:04

DemoneeHo: Nov 9, 2017; Come on hee-ho, just give us 300 more macca

These two cheese hogs are bougie enough to afford daily Amazon drone deliveries of seperate his & her cheese bags, so they can each have their own fresh, daily grated individual shredded cheese mounds.

# ? Mar 22, 2019 05:04

Admiral Ray: May 17, 2014; Proud Musk and Dogecoin fanboy

Dazerbeams posted:

Why bother marrying or living together? Why? Why? Why?

they sound very happy together

# ? Mar 22, 2019 05:04

Panfilo: Aug 27, 2011; EXISTENCE IS PAIN😬

They have a 9 year old to join in on the cheese habit. Guess they distract their kid with cheese while they get their polyamory on.

# ? Mar 22, 2019 05:06

Mr. Creakle: Apr 27, 2007; Protecting your virginity

This story went from hilarious to depressing the second they mentioned their kid. :ohdear:

poor thing probably weighs twice his size for his age already...and god help him in his future relationships.

# ? Mar 22, 2019 05:09

Haifisch: Nov 13, 2010; Objection! I object! That was... objectionable!; Taco Defender

Cheese bag eaters beget more cheese bag eaters, who go on to marry other cheese bag eaters.

# ? Mar 22, 2019 05:10

Anne Whateley: Feb 11, 2007; i like nice words

Kids plural

# ? Mar 22, 2019 05:11

Dazerbeams: Jul 8, 2009

I love my wife except that I�ve had to lock her out of the most important part of my life: the cheese sanctum.

Is it child abuse to be subjected to the poly lifestyle of your parents? There�s gotta be a study on it somewhere.

# ? Mar 22, 2019 05:12

DemoneeHo: Nov 9, 2017; Come on hee-ho, just give us 300 more macca

This is a SVU episode in the making.

# ? Mar 22, 2019 05:12

Doc Hawkins: Jun 15, 2010; Dashing? But I'm not even moving!

afroserty posted:

My brain cannot loving handle this. How does this guy exist in society. How does this guy have a wife. How does this guy get other people to gently caress him???

I can recommend a few clubs, by which I mean I do not actually recommend them.

# ? Mar 22, 2019 05:16

Doc Hawkins: Jun 15, 2010; Dashing? But I'm not even moving!

I'm not fully sure why I'm taking this much joy in the cheesefolk.

# ? Mar 22, 2019 05:17

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# ? May 14, 2024 01:54

Mr. Creakle: Apr 27, 2007; Protecting your virginity

Fathers be good to your cheddars
Cheese lovers like your wife too
Fat poly lovers
Make terrible mothers
So parents give up cuz your kid is screwed

# ? Mar 22, 2019 05:18

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