/r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > /r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

Dazerbeams: Jul 8, 2009

Switchback posted:

American identity politics are pretty hosed if nobody is allowed to have any nuanced or differing opinions from the mass. On the right, if you agree with one single issue you�re welcomed with open arms. On the left, if you don�t agree with ALL of our platform, we eat you until you die you loving Monster.

So you believe people should be able to pick and choose which basic human rights others have access to? And that somehow makes you not a monster?

# ? Mar 31, 2019 15:10

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# ? May 31, 2024 00:41

epenthesis: Jan 12, 2008; I'M TAKIN' YOU PUNKS DOWN!

Switchback posted:

American identity politics are pretty hosed if nobody is allowed to have any nuanced or differing opinions from the mass. On the right, if you agree with one single issue you�re welcomed with open arms. On the left, if you don�t agree with ALL of our platform, we eat you until you die you loving Monster.

Yeah, ask Eric Cantor about that.

# ? Mar 31, 2019 15:53

Danaru: Jun 5, 2012; 何 ??

Frantically looking at two pictures, one is a collage of alt-right mass shootings, the other is someone on the internet saying "stop saying the N-word", completely unable to tell the difference

# ? Mar 31, 2019 16:11

CheesyDog: Jul 4, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

Me [52M] just found out at least 4 of my 5 children [33F][30F][28M][24F][14F] are not mine. Wife [51F] wont say anything.

(self.relationship_advice)
submitted 7 hours ago * by Needadvicedesperate

quote:

Note: Please do not use ancestry kits as a paternity test. If you genuinely want to check your child is your own - get a proper paternity test at your local MedLab (medical lab). Ancestry tests are not accurate, and should not be used to test paternity. In my case, it simply raised the alarm to get a proper test.

I apologize if this is not an appropriate sub to ask. I posted this on r/relationships but it was locked, and the mod suggested I ask on r/parenting. But I also want relationship advice on how to deal with my wife, so I want to ask for advice here, too.

First of all, I'm sorry if this ends up being long and rambly, I am not really in the best state of mind. My world has been turned upside down over the last couple of weeks. I just want to write as much context as possible so I can get the best advice needed. For obvious reasons, I am not yet comfortable talking about this with my friends/parents/siblings.

Background: I met my wife when we were in highschool and we married in college. We have 5 beautiful children together - really, I consider them a total blessing regardless of what I'm about to bring up - and up until a couple of weeks ago I thought that we had the perfect marriage. We were typical highschool sweet hearts, we go out together, we never fight, I feel like I've done everything a loving husband should do. I am saying this not to make myself out as the perfect husband, for example my work has always meant I work long hours and maybe haven't always been there when she needed me, but I want to stress that I've never felt our marriage was in any trouble. And never in a million years would I ever have suspected my wife of being disloyal - she's always done everything she could to support me and take care of our children.

Now, my eldest daughter recently had an ancestry test done. And the results of the ancestry test strongly suggested I was not her father. She confided this to me privately, showing me the results and I could tell she was visibly upset by this. Of course, the first thing I did was reassure her that no matter what, she's my daughter and I'll always love her unconditionally. But secondly, the two of us decided to get an official paternity test since the ancestry tests are not completely reliable. It comes back and I am indeed not her biological father.

This news really broke me. I'm ashamed to say I broke down in tears in front of my daughter. The combination of finding out about my wife's infidelity and how upset I was making my daughter by how I was reacting. I really wish I had kept it in for her sake, but I didn't.

Following this I asked my other children, except my youngest, to come and see me. I wanted to know the extent of my wife's infidelity - if it was a one off, I could maybe work past it, especially given how long ago it would be. However I didn't want to tell my youngest as she is still in school, a teenager, and really I didn't think it was appropriate to tell her yet.

We tell the other three what has happened, I reassure them that I love them unconditionally and that I'll always be there dad, but that I need to know how long this has been going on. God, I can't begin to explain how touching their reaction was. They didn't care I wasn't their biological father, they were just upset at how heart broken I was. I feel like the only thing that has kept me going these last couple of weeks is their unwavering support.

So we have paternity tests for each of the three done. Not only are none of them my biological children, together four of my children have three different fathers. Which somehow made it worse. It's like, she wasn't just having an ongoing affair, she was having multiple? I can't explain how this make it worse, but it just does.

So I confront my wife with this, expecting her to confess and beg for forgiveness. She doesn't confess. She doesn't even take it seriously. She says the tests must be flawed. All four? How the hell am I supposed to take that seriously?

I keep bringing it up and she keeps brushing it off, getting progressively more annoyed at me. When I bring it up she will try and guilt trip me. "We've been together since highschool, do you seriously not trust me?" etc. But how am I supposed to trust her in the face of such overwhelming evidence?

Now that I have rambled and explained what has happened. I guess let me ask a few direct questions for advice

How can I reassure my children this doesn't change anything between us? I feel like the way I have reacted, total break downs, has made them second guess this despite however many times I reassure them.

How do I handle my youngest daughter? I feel like our marriage is beyond saving, and I will need to tell my daughter something. I don't want her to know the truth until she's older, but I also don't want my wife lying and making me out to be the villain.

Is there anyway, anyway at all, you think I could or should save my marriage? I've been with my wife my entire life it's almost impossible to see a life without her. I know that the answer should be a clear cut "leave her", but we have 5 kids together. If there's anything that can be done to save our marriage, I want to consider it seriously.

tl;dr: Found out at least 4 of my 5 kids are not mine. Wife refuses to confess her infidelity. Unsure of how to do what's best for my children and marriage.

Edit: Thanks so much to everyone for all the support and advice. I have not replied to as many comments as I should have, but I've read each and every one and taken your advice to heart. I'll continue reading any comments or messages you send me. Again, I can't begin to thank you for all your support. If this is resolved I might post an update, but if she continues to lie then I don't think I'll bother, as there's not much more I can add. From the advice in this and the r/parenting thread I've decided to:

Get second tests just in case some freak accident has occurred.

Confront my wife with all four of my older children present.

Tell my youngest of the situation. Ask her if she wants to have a paternity test. It will be entirely her decision.

I'm 100% going to get some form of therapy. My mental state has really been deteriorating over the last couple of weeks, and I owe it to my kids to hold it to together.

Depending on whether my wife tells the truth, and what her explanation is (if any), I have not ruled out some form of counselling. But at the moment I think divorce is inevitable unless she changes her attitude drastically.

Contact a lawyer and prepare for divorce, if it comes to that

Once again I'd like to thank all of you for the time you took to express your support and share advice.

Edit2: I guess I should clarify some things that people have been asking

How did the ancestry results suggests I wasn't her father? My family is entirely Irish. No relatives outside of Ireland other than my immediate family, and I even have the stereotypical red hair. My daughter's ancestry results showed nothing from the British isles/western Europe/northern Europe. That's what set off alarm bells, but it's by no means conclusive, hence the paternity tests.

Which two children share the same father? My two eldest daughters share the same father.

How did your wife conceive your children? Our eldest daughter was not planned. All the others were planned. Each time we conceived several months after we started trying. Our first three planned children were both our ideas, while she pressured me into having our youngest. She was in her late thirties and wanted one last child before it was too late, and eventually I agreed. She was conceived several months after we started trying, too.

Are you infertile? I don't know. I've never had a fertility test done. But the fact that none of our planned children are mine makes me think that I might be. I will have a fertility test as soon as possible.

# ? Mar 31, 2019 16:42

waah: Jun 20, 2011; Better stay in line when
You see a Pavel like me shinin

CheesyDog posted:

Me [52M] just found out at least 4 of my 5 children [33F][30F][28M][24F][14F] are not mine. Wife [51F] wont say anything.

# ? Mar 31, 2019 17:28

SalTheBard: Jan 26, 2005; I forgot to post my food for USPOL Thanksgiving but that's okay too!; Fallen Rib

CheesyDog posted:

Me [52M] just found out at least 4 of my 5 children [33F][30F][28M][24F][14F] are not mine. Wife [51F] wont say anything.

(self.relationship_advice)
submitted 7 hours ago * by Needadvicedesperate

Holy loving poo poo

# ? Mar 31, 2019 17:29

The Ol Spicy Keychain: Jan 17, 2013; I MEPHISTO MY OWN ASSHOLE

lmao

# ? Mar 31, 2019 17:30

Achmed Jones: Oct 16, 2004

I really hope she was just hitting up the sperm bank and was too goony to tell him

# ? Mar 31, 2019 17:48

Power Khan: Aug 20, 2011; by Fritz the Horse

CheesyDog posted:

Me [52M] just found out at least 4 of my 5 children [33F][30F][28M][24F][14F] are not mine. Wife [51F] wont say anything.

(self.relationship_advice)
submitted 7 hours ago * by Needadvicedesperate

Yea, that one was kinda wild.

Different fathers too. Lol

# ? Mar 31, 2019 17:51

Power Khan: Aug 20, 2011; by Fritz the Horse

Going on a bender in the spermbank

# ? Mar 31, 2019 17:51

Sagebrush: Feb 26, 2012

Yeah I was thinking that maybe she realized her husband was infertile decades ago and went to a sperm bank / acquaintance in a misguided attempt to spare his feelings, and then got stuck in her lie

But then he says the first child was unplanned, sooo

# ? Mar 31, 2019 17:53

Pirate Radar: Apr 18, 2008; You're not my Ruthie!
You're not my Debbie!
You're not my Sherry!

I think it�s pretty cool that he still had his head in the right place and made sure his kids knew he was still their dad no matter what

# ? Mar 31, 2019 17:54

JFairfax: Oct 23, 2008; by FactsAreUseless

CheesyDog posted:

Me [52M] just found out at least 4 of my 5 children [33F][30F][28M][24F][14F] are not mine. Wife [51F] wont say anything.

(self.relationship_advice)
submitted 7 hours ago * by Needadvicedesperate

I wonder if the wife just hosed randoms to conceive after months of trying with him because she didn't want to ask him if he was infertile?

# ? Mar 31, 2019 17:55

datajugend: Jan 15, 2010; Cat Army

yeah if you analyze it it was probably his fault

# ? Mar 31, 2019 18:05

BOOTY-ADE: Aug 30, 2006; BIG KOOL TELLIN' Y'ALL TO KEEP IT TIGHT

waah posted:

The milk's gone bad Charlie Murphy ahahaha

FOUR THUMBS DOWN!

# ? Mar 31, 2019 18:06

Sagebrush: Feb 26, 2012

Here's a hot take: I don't know why this guy is blowing up his thirty year marriage which he describes as perfect because his kids aren't his own

He loves his kids, never fights with his wife, supposedly no one was unhappy. Better for everyone involved to just live the lie

# ? Mar 31, 2019 18:16

CheesyDog: Jul 4, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

Sagebrush posted:

Here's a hot take: I don't know why this guy is blowing up his thirty year marriage which he describes as perfect because his kids aren't his own

He loves his kids, never fights with his wife, supposedly no one was unhappy. Better for everyone involved to just live the lie

lol

# ? Mar 31, 2019 18:17

DreamingofRoses: Jun 27, 2013; Nap Ghost

How hosed would it be if the lab they went to was actually so bad it hosed up all four DNA tests.

# ? Mar 31, 2019 18:19

old bean factory: Nov 18, 2006; Will ya close the fucking doors?!

DreamingofRoses posted:

How hosed would it be if the lab they went to was actually so bad it hosed up all four DNA tests.

I'd watch that movie.

# ? Mar 31, 2019 18:22

The Iron Rose: May 12, 2012; Cat Army

Switchback posted:

American identity politics are pretty hosed if nobody is allowed to have any nuanced or differing opinions from the mass. On the right, if you agree with one single issue you�re welcomed with open arms. On the left, if you don�t agree with ALL of our platform, we eat you until you die you loving Monster.

I like how it took exactly one post for you to be proven right about this one.

Sagebrush posted:

Here's a hot take: I don't know why this guy is blowing up his thirty year marriage which he describes as perfect because his kids aren't his own

He loves his kids, never fights with his wife, supposedly no one was unhappy. Better for everyone involved to just live the lie

See this is true for the wife but I can't help but feel the husband here is worth more than that. Moreover, the children have a right to know their genetic heritage, to know from whom and where they came from. Doesn't mean their dad isn't their dad, but they deserve to know one way or another and it doesn't look like the wife was ever going to say so.

# ? Mar 31, 2019 18:24

Zulily Zoetrope: Jun 1, 2011; Muldoon

I once read about some rare chimeric disorder that caused your reproductive organs to have DNA comparable to a sibling instead of your own. I keep waiting for it to be the big twist to one of these stories, and they keep letting me down. Even the uncle-father story had a boring old affair behind it.

This one, though, I can only imagine what kind of marriage the wife has been through.

# ? Mar 31, 2019 18:30

datajugend: Jan 15, 2010; Cat Army

yeah its obvious the wife was never unhappy

# ? Mar 31, 2019 18:31

Sagebrush: Feb 26, 2012

The Iron Rose posted:

See this is true for the wife but I can't help but feel the husband here is worth more than that. Moreover, the children have a right to know their genetic heritage, to know from whom and where they came from. Doesn't mean their dad isn't their dad, but they deserve to know one way or another and it doesn't look like the wife was ever going to say so.

That is all true. It's the jump to "well, looks like I'm getting divorced" that I think is an overreaction. Maybe try therapy (a lot of it) first?

datajugend posted:

yeah its obvious the wife was never unhappy

Of course this is a thing too since we're only getting his story, and the bit about "sure I might not have been there for her all the time, but I work a lot" is a major red flag

Sagebrush fucked around with this message at 18:35 on Mar 31, 2019

# ? Mar 31, 2019 18:31

Miserable Maid: Apr 22, 2010; Cat Army

.... What? No, man.

Therapy MAYBE might help if she admitted everything, but she's still lying.

There's no saving this. Even if he forgives her, help suddenly remember how he felt and they're back to square one. There's a reason things rarely work out after cheating, and especially so with him finding out out was multiple partners.

# ? Mar 31, 2019 18:43

Midnight Voyager: Jul 2, 2008; Lipstick Apathy

The Iron Rose posted:

I like how it took exactly one post for you to be proven right about this one.

A person was a dick to you on the internet, that means you must be right! :V

# ? Mar 31, 2019 18:44

CheesyDog: Jul 4, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

*discovers thirty years of my life have been built upon lies by the person I have trusted most*

ah, looks like I am going to have to grow a lot as a person if I'm going to repress this successfully

# ? Mar 31, 2019 18:50

Blade Runner: Aug 14, 2015

Sagebrush posted:

Here's a hot take: I don't know why this guy is blowing up his thirty year marriage which he describes as perfect because his kids aren't his own

He loves his kids, never fights with his wife, supposedly no one was unhappy. Better for everyone involved to just live the lie

lmao

"She's only been cheating on and lying to him constantly for 30 years, what's the problem?????"

What he doesn't know didn't hurt him, but she was still a piece of poo poo for it, and now he knows regardless

# ? Mar 31, 2019 18:50

Mak0rz: Aug 2, 2008; 😎🐗🚬

Sagebrush posted:

Here's a hot take: I don't know why this guy is blowing up his thirty year marriage which he describes as perfect because his kids aren't his own

He loves his kids, never fights with his wife, supposedly no one was unhappy. Better for everyone involved to just live the lie

So is your youngest daughter his or what?

# ? Mar 31, 2019 19:00

YaketySass: Jan 15, 2019; Blind Idiot Dog

Either this is the most incompetent lab in the world or the wife is really lucky the children don't look too different from him.

# ? Mar 31, 2019 19:01

Mr. Lobe: Feb 23, 2007; ... Dry bones...

YaketySass posted:

Either this is the most incompetent lab in the world or the wife is really lucky the children don't look too different from him.

Maybe she has a type that at her husband at least passingly fits into.

# ? Mar 31, 2019 19:04

Megillah Gorilla: Sep 22, 2003; If only all of life's problems could be solved by smoking a professor of ancient evil texts.; Bread Liar

Sagebrush posted:

That is all true. It's the jump to "well, looks like I'm getting divorced" that I think is an overreaction. Maybe try therapy (a lot of it) first?

This may well be one of the stupidest loving takes in this entire thread.

So, congratulations, I guess.

# ? Mar 31, 2019 19:04

CheesyDog: Jul 4, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

I mean family is what you make it, and his wife just decided to make it from a series of other men's ejaculations

# ? Mar 31, 2019 19:19

Megillah Gorilla: Sep 22, 2003; If only all of life's problems could be solved by smoking a professor of ancient evil texts.; Bread Liar

And that's assuming every man she had an affair with gave her a child.

# ? Mar 31, 2019 19:22

Power Khan: Aug 20, 2011; by Fritz the Horse

CheesyDog posted:

*discovers thirty years of my life have been built upon lies by the person I have trusted most*

ah, looks like I am going to have to grow a lot as a person if I'm going to repress this successfully

# ? Mar 31, 2019 19:23

blugu64: Jul 17, 2006; Do you realize that fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous communist plot we have ever had to face?

CheesyDog posted:

Me [52M] just found out at least 4 of my 5 children [33F][30F][28M][24F][14F] are not mine. Wife [51F] wont say anything.

(self.relationship_advice)
submitted 7 hours ago * by Needadvicedesperate

# ? Mar 31, 2019 19:28

Veni Vidi Ameche!: Nov 2, 2017; by Fluffdaddy

If we look hard enough, it's definitely the dude's fault, and also, hey, what's the big deal if his wife had him raise five children that aren't his? It's not important the foundation of his entire life is built from infidelity and lies; he likes the kids, and he doesn't fight with his wife, so he probably shouldn't be such a big baby about this.

# ? Mar 31, 2019 19:34

The Ol Spicy Keychain: Jan 17, 2013; I MEPHISTO MY OWN ASSHOLE

Sagebrush posted:

Here's a hot take: I don't know why this guy is blowing up his thirty year marriage which he describes as perfect because his kids aren't his own

He loves his kids, never fights with his wife, supposedly no one was unhappy. Better for everyone involved to just live the lie

my dude is a literal cuckold

# ? Mar 31, 2019 19:34

Power Khan: Aug 20, 2011; by Fritz the Horse

Sometimes I'm really glad that I don't have to switch over to reddit to read some profoundly stupid posts.

The wife must have had some very, very good reasons.

Both sides!

# ? Mar 31, 2019 19:38

YaketySass: Jan 15, 2019; Blind Idiot Dog

In fact the other dudes might have had some very good reasons too so really he's in the minority here.

# ? Mar 31, 2019 19:42

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# ? May 31, 2024 00:41

UZR IS BULLSHIT: Jan 25, 2004

Huh, I didn�t realize Anne Whatley had so many alts

# ? Mar 31, 2019 19:45

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