ad090 posted:

AITA for breaking down and cheating on my spouse after almost two years of no consummation?

I make more than he does and our condo is in my name, so he could take a great deal away from me. 

quote:

When I started dating my boyfriend a year and a half ago, I hadn’t been exposed to nonmonogamy in any way. It didn’t even occur to me to not want monogamy, although it turns out that being monogomish is exactly right for me. My partner (let’s call him Tom) is the only person I want to be with romantically, but I’ve had issues with fidelity in the past because I love the butterflies I get when flirting with a new person, and I don’t want to be confined to having sex with just one person for the rest of my life. So when the bf originally said he wouldn’t want an exclusive relationship I was upset and confused, but eventually came around to the idea and am now wholeheartedly in favor of our arrangement.

Basically, I told Tom that I wanted to be the primary relationship in his life but he could have sex with whoever he wanted, as long as he used protection. I also said I want to be aware of who he is seeing but that I didn’t need details.

About a year ago Tom started seeing a woman, alias Jane, who is about a decade older than I am. He says now that he thinks he was looking for a more “adult” relationship, but it turns out that ours was the “adult relationship” all along — so maybe my age doesn’t matter as much as he always thought (which is, of course, something I’ve been saying for a year and a half). He didn’t tell her about me, which I was completely uncomfortable with, so after a few months I told Tom that he could tell Jane about me and our relationship, which he said was not threatened by Jane, in which case she would probably break up with him, or he could break up with her.

Tom broke up with Jane without telling her about me, so she was understandably upset and confused and thought it came out of nowhere.

HERE’S THE KICKER

The other night I was using Tom’s phone — we almost never use each other’s phones — and couldn’t help it but look at his texts with Jane. I knew that he’d been texting her occasionally over the winter and early spring because I’d seen him do it, but he wasn’t open with me about her the way he is about other women. I know I shouldn’t have snooped and nothing good comes from it. It turns out that they sexted a few times in the fall (I’m fine with him sexting other women but he usually does share that with me) and that they’d had sex after they broke up. It also became clear that he wasn’t using protection with her. Tom told Jane that he wasn’t having unprotected sex with anyone else.

I confronted him about it and he did acknowledge that it was a stupid, wrong thing that he did, and that he was sorry. Tom initially said that since he was Jane’s only partner, he knew he wasn’t putting me at risk so it shouldn’t matter. I yelled at him until he realized that it did matter, but I was generally very reasonable about everything. I made it clear that he is never to see Jane again — although I don’t think she wants to see him anyway, because she was really mad when he told her (after their breakup, when they had breakup sex) that he was seeing someone else, even though he didn’t mention the fact that he’d been with me even before they met.

I don’t want to break up with Tom but I feel my trust has been violated, even though this all happened a little under a year ago. I’m struggling with how to move forward. Has anyone else been in this situation? Do you have any advice?

Tl;dr: Boyfriend had unprotected sex (against our rules) with someone else a year ago and never told me. I just found out and don’t know what to do, but don’t want to break up. Please help.

quote:

Play dangerous games, win dangerous prizes.

quote:

So, throwaway acct.

I am in the middle of a VERY acrimonious divorce and my soon-to-be ex (hereafter STBX) decided to be an rear end in a top hat and break in my house and throw baby powder on EVERYTHING!

Rather than call the cops, I called his pastor because my STBX is really big into the "I'm better than you because I am such a good Christian and I am going to heaven!" scene whereas I am an atheist.

So, 2AM and I call his pastor and explain the situation, explain how I know he did it, explain how I have photos (and share them with said holy man), and explain how I am not afraid to call the cops and deal with this legally.

Pastor says to give him until 10 AM and he would see the situation "put to rights."

At 0600, my STBX is knocking on the door with cleaning supplies and breakfast.

AITA for pastor-shaming my STBX?

Beachcomber posted:

AITA for pastor-shaming my STBX?

MarcusSA posted:

I hate both of them.

STBX is a stupid term.

MarcusSA posted:

STBX is a stupid term.

quote:

I live in a really rough neighborhood in London and most of my neighbors are pakistanis bangladeshis and arabs. They're not really that tolerant of homosexuality and a few months ago a lesbian was beaten and actually had acid thrown on her. Acid attacks are unfortunayl quite prevalent in london nowadays. I told my 14 year old son to not tell anyone he's gay at either school or in the neighborhood because i fear for his safety and he obeys but he wants to convince me its ook. The rest of the family is saying I'm being an rear end in a top hat by keeping him in the closet by i value his safety much more. I can't wait to move out of this shithole of a city and i loving hate the way our country has become recently with all these migrants who don't loving assimilate to our culture. I don't hate those who share our values and practice our customs and learn english but my neighbors fuckign suck.

Leon Einstein posted:

"I'm totally cool with being monogamish. That's why I snooped and read all of his texts."

Why do so many people think that open relationships are on a higher plane of maturity than monogamous relationships?

ad090 posted:

AITA for breaking down and cheating on my spouse after almost two years of no consummation? 

I make more than he does and our condo is in my name, so he could take a great deal away from me

Hellblazer187 posted:

I think that STBXWIVCFWSDITS

Soon to be ex wife is very cool for what she did in this situation

MarcusSA posted:

I hate both of them.

STBX is a stupid term.

Beachcomber posted:

It sounds like a graphics card.

AITA for telling my kid not to be openly gay?

MasBrillante posted:

I keep think they’re referring to Starbucks stock.

quote:

 monogomish is exactly right for me. My partner (let’s call him Tom) is the only person I want to be with romantically, but I’ve had issues with fidelity in the past because I love the butterflies I get when flirting with a new person, and I don’t want to be confined to having sex with just one person

tactlessbastard posted:

We already have a word for that

Xenocides posted:

I hate the word “monogamish”

Just found out my (23F) partner (28M) broke the rules of our nonmonogamous relationship.


My favorite comment:

Whorelord posted:

therobit posted:

Adulterous?

tactlessbastard posted:

We already have a word for that

quote:

Previously I was married for 2 years and got a divorce. I had not seen or heard from my ex in about 6 years. I knew she moved in with another guy.

I’ve been with a girl for 3 years almost 4 years. The first year was ok, she tried breaking up with me about 15 times in 1 year. January-feb of 2016 was heaven. We agreed to move in on april of 2016, the day prior to moving in she tried to break up with me, the day before that she tried to break up with me, 2 weeks before that she tried to break up with me. Because of the breakups, I delayed moving her in. This happened again about 20-30 times the following over the course of the summer and fall. We would decide on a date, she would try to dump me the next day or 2 which caused it to get delayed again and again. It went like this until we took a 6 month break from each other in mid 2017.

Early 2018 we decided to give it another go and agreed to get married that year. She told me if I lost weight for her, she would marry me. It was great from january - april, she did not try to dump me and was super affectionate. I busted rear end day and day out to lose 60 pounds for her in 4 months. Some days not eating anything, sometimes i ate about 700 calories. With her I made sure i ate so she wouldn’t know and worry. I knew one thing about her, if i didn’t show results fast she would not believe me. If i didn’t look good for the wedding, she’d be pissed to no end. So i tried my best because the wedding was important to me and so was making her happy. In this effort, i also helped pay her rent frequently since she didn’t have a good job and i wanted to marry her.

April 2018 came, we decided on a date to get married. November the wedding was supposed to be. Again, the relationship changed. She immediately became very distant, i went one month without seeing her at all and every other month I barely saw her at all. She always had another reason to not see me. When we did, there was pretty much no affection at all let alone intimacy. She almost never had even one compliment to say to me. April was the last time she told me she even told me loved me.

June I began to accomplish my bucket list, I wanted to get everything i ever wanted to do done before the wedding so I could focus on her and having kids when we did get married. I knew it would be hard to do things like skydiving while raising a baby.

I told her for months to allocate October strictly to getting everything ready for the wedding in November. Things like getting a dress, getting a suit,etc.. it was going to be a simple wedding in city hall and i figured with one and a half months it should be enough time to get a dress,ring, move in.

September comes, she begins acting weird. Even more distant than usual. She told me she was gonna hang out with some friends of hers in early october and also that she had to work one weekend. I told her not to because i wanted her to focus on getting ready. She refused.

October comes, 2 weeks of October i didn’t even see her. One because she ended up working, another because she sewed her dress because in the time we couldn’t find one for her.

During mid October and november, she constantly criticized me on everything from being too skinny to being cheap and constantly tried to break up. As a result I was getting furious. She kept trying to break up with me and would not tell me why, i asked her but she told me i would not understand. November it comes to a head, a week before the wedding was supposed to be she tried to break up with me and criticized me more. We got into a huge fight as a result.

I try to control my anger at her the next few days, we go to city hall and to register. I showed up extra early to be ready since i had taken a half day off of work, She shows up, sure enough she criticized me yet again almost as soon as she saw me. At that point i blew up, i couldn’t take it anymore. I told her i didn’t want to see her again.

I got home, i told her why i wanted out. She told me she was sorry, because i really wanted to marry her. I decided to try again, we tried to come up with some sort of understanding on whether to do the registering or move in first. I wanted to move her in first. She ended up telling me to just forget it and that she is in a new relationship which was untrue. She refuses to even talk to me and we fight when we do. I have continued to pay her rent because i still want to marry her.

Feb came i paid to book storage and hiring moving truck, she had me cancel it. We bumped into each other by chance when i went snowboardinh. It went reasonably well, but she kept her distance yet again. I got her a valentine’s day present though, A wedding ring. She is still very unsure about marrying me.

March again we ended up bumping into each other again. We ended up fighting yet again.

Recently my ex wife reached out to me to let me know she’s moving to another country with her new husband and child. She told me somebody called her a few months ago looking for me, her new husband was not happy about it it seemed. I can only imagine what happened.

I pieced 2 and 2 together, it was my fiancee. I asked my ex if she could please give my fiancee a call to let her know wtf is going on and clear the air and let my fiancee know that she’s not even in my life before she moves so she could hear it directly from her.

I’m not certain what my ex said, but from what she told me my fiancee is still uncomfortable/unsure if she wants to marry me and that she herself doesn’t seem sure why.

Does anyone have any idea how i can get her to go through with the wedding? When she puts everything in, she’s what i want in a wife and mother.

TLDR: My fiancee tried breaking up with me for a year causing me to delay moving in, lost 70 pounds in 4 months for her, she tried breaking up with me again shortly before the wedding and won’t say why. She’s also jealous of my ex who’s been out of the picture for years. How can i get her to go through with the wedding?

quote:

Of course not, but i feel that this is happening because we are not married yet. I am positive she won’t do this if we’re married or at least living with me.

quote:

I’m not trying to control her, just get married and have a family. I didn’t even get jealous that she stayed friends with her ex.

MarcusSA posted:

gently caress that’s what it is! I was trying to figure it out.

Ok now it bothers me more.

Beachcomber posted:

I am a 40(m) my 36(f) fiancee doesn’t feel comfortable getting married, how can i get her to go through with it?

Beachcomber posted:

I am a 40(m) my 36(f) fiancee doesn’t feel comfortable getting married, how can i get her to go through with it?





Edit: responses

Stevie Lee posted:

love to bump into my fiancee by chance when I go snowboardinh

quote:

I'm basically at the point of breaking off me relationship with my fiancé because I'm so frustrated by this whole thing. I guess this question is among my last salvos to see if i'm being an rear end in a top hat and unreasonable. Or if the problem is on her end.

Been with fiancé for several years now. She recently graduated and got an amazing HR job with a pretty high profile "we get your DUI charges dropped!" type law firm. The guy who started the firm is known across as being an ambulance chaser, shyster and scammer because very frankly he's trying to portray that in his commercials. I've met him a couple of times and in person, he's a little better but I stew kind of feel like I needed a shower.

So right after New Years, wife came home and announced that Lawyer dude is taking the whole staff out to celebrate on January 20th because it was the firms biggest year ever. This is the timeline as near I can remember:

January 5th, she tells me to keep January 20th open because SO's are invited. Cool, I can do that.

January 8th. Sorry she was mistaken, it's just a work party she tells me it's cool if I make other plans that night. No problem.

January 13th. She lets it slip, it's not really a party for the whole office, just for the people boss thinks were part of the success. I'm starting to get a little WTF'y here.

January 14th. Miraculously, all the people going to dinner with the boss are under the age of 30 and female. Now alarm bells are really going off.

January 18th. The list is down to two people, my wife and another new attorney. So, if I'm hearing this correctly, the two people mainly responsible for this 20 year old company's "biggest year ever" are both recent college grads, both female and both around 25? Fiance says "aren't you proud of me!"

Today, the big day boss texts her at like 11AM and says "hey since this is supposed to be a celebration, don't drive! I'll send a car service for you!" Fiance still doesn't smell anything fishy so I ask her just for my own edification ask what he says if she tells him "that's a great offer, but my fiance knows the restaurant and he can drive me." Boss replies back in seconds "sorry if I had to change restaurants at the last minute, I'll send the car!"

My fiancé looks at me, apparently without the screeching submarine klaxon and klieg lights that are going off in my head, and says "see it's all cool, I'll just take the car service."

I'm freaking the gently caress out. I told her that she can't go. She called me a controlling rear end in a top hat. I told her that this whole thing has bene shady as gently caress and I relayed out the timeline I just posted above using my texts and emails from her as evidence. She said that me "hoarding evidence" like this is an example of how I'm a "controlling rear end in a top hat" and she wants to go to the dinner now more than ever. I told her I might be an rear end in a top hat but I'm not stupid.

She told me over and over again "he's married, he CAN'T do anything that would affect his marriage, so you're being the stupid one!" That leads me to believe that even she understands the larger implications that are at play here.

She locked herself in our bedroom and hasn't come out for at least an hour.

I don't know what to do. I can't beat the door down or yell at her and I think if this is one of those situations where the shoe was on the other foot, she'd be freaking the gently caress out and I'd see her reaction and just call it off.

AITA?

Edit: it's 5:30 here, car service picked her up at 5:15. I guess it's up to fate now if I'm a controlling rear end in a top hat or if she didn't see it whatever is coming coming.

Edit 2: she just got home and said only "I don't want to loving talk about it" and she's back talking to who I assume is her sister. I'm defying my every desire to eves drop so I don't know what happened. It's only 8:45 so I don't think anything super crazy happened. I'm just glad she's home. If it's appropriate, I'll update again when I know more.

Edif3: this really doesn’t pertain to aita anymore rather just people asking for an update...she gets to dinner and it’s just she, coworker and boss in a private dining room at hotel. Boss says strait up hes banging other girl and wants fiancé to join them. Has “understanding” with his wife and says he can do amazing things for fiancé. Fiancé is pissed she didn’t see this coming, but she’s still pissed at me for being controlling. She’s not happy at all and talking about breaking up. Sucks All around but I’m relieved she’s safe. Just giving her some space for a while.

Hughlander posted:

AITA for not wanting my fiancé to go to dinner with her boss?
Fiancé is pissed she didn’t see this coming, but she’s still pissed at me for being controlling. She’s not happy at all and talking about breaking up. Sucks All around but I’m relieved she’s safe. Just giving her some space for a while.


One can have Pete Insite without Pete Spine

Hughlander posted:

AITA for not wanting my fiancé to go to dinner with her boss?


One can have Pete Insite without Pete Spine

MarcusSA posted:

Yeah he needs to grow a spine and tell her to bounce.

Also lol at being controlling when he saw it coming from a mile away haha.

MarcusSA posted:

Yeah he needs to grow a spine and tell her to bounce.

Also lol at being controlling when he saw it coming from a mile away haha.

Leon Einstein posted:

It was controlling to tell her she can't go, even though his intuition was correct.

Hughlander posted:

AITA for not wanting my fiancé to go to dinner with her boss?


One can have Pete Insite without Pete Spine

quote:

judgement was essentially ESH, which I can accept because I should never have used the wording/phrase "you can't go to dinner with him" even though the situation was drowning in more red flags than a Comintern May Day parade.

Fair enough. She didn't speak to me all day Monday and the last words I heard from her were Sunday night after she got home as she slammed the door to our bedroom saying "you're still a controlling rear end in a top hat and we're breaking up." Her nuclear bomb is always saying "we're breaking up" whenever she doesn't have the upper hand in an argument so I didn't make much of it and in reality I was just relieved that she was home and apparently nothing bad happened at the dinner. So like I said, Monday she didn't say a word to me. I was only able to get into our bedroom to get some clothes and I couched it again Monday night. Whatever, she was pissed, she was embarrassed that she didn't see it coming, she was angry at me. I figured I'd give her some space. So I did.

Tuesday morning I noticed she was getting ready for work. I couldn't keep my mouth shut any more and I incredulously asked her if she was really going back to that loving job? She said "why wouldn't I?" I told her because the loving OWNER off the company had done a month long manipulation to get her into a threesome with his other little side piece. She said that I was a loving idiot. I was loving flabbergasted. As she was stomping around the house putting her shoes on putting on her makeup and what not I told her that IF she shows up to that office today and doesn't quit or follow up with the state bar, he is going to know that she's OK with what happened, at least on the surface. Even if she doesn't have sex with him, he knows that she has a really high tolerance for his bullshit and he's going to keep working at her. I also told her that she has an MBA with a focus in HR, it shouldn't take a loving an red-neck auto-mechanic to tell her this poo poo (I own a foreign specialty auto repair facility with my uncle). Her last words to me were "yes loving rear end in a top hat, I AM the professional. you aren't" and slammed the door.

So Tuesday I had no idea what I was going to do. I knew in my heart I needed to end the relationship, her situation with her boss notwithstanding, rather her method of fighting, name calling, silent treatment are just not acceptable. But I still wasn't sure.

She got home Tuesday and was clearly rattled by something. She was still silent, but a sad silent not an angry silent if that makes sense. She absolutely would not tell me what was wrong but she didn't lock herself in the room this time. She just sat almost catatonic on the couch watching Big Bang Theory (which she hates). My assumption...she hosed him, her or both. She gave into him. I have no proof of this but after all the bullshit, after the quick change in her behavior...its the only thing I can think happened.

In my head and heart, we are broken up. It's now just a matter of separating our poo poo, figure out what to do about the lease on our apartment, cancelling the small amount of wedding planning we have done...and oh yeah...telling her. She may be feeling the same way and be done with me too which honestly may make this easier for everyone. My heart goes out to her because I do care about her and if she did have sex with her boss under his bullshit pretense, I imagine she feels like poo poo. But I tried to warn her. I saw it coming from a mile away, no I didn't use the correct words in trying warn her and I take no pleasure in being "right" but I did try.

Thanks everyone...still ESH!

Edit: it’s 3:31pm MST she’s home about 2.5 hours early. She said she wants to take a shower and talk after she’s done. I really don’t want to do another OP update but I will update via edit here after we talk.

Edit: now about 5:30. This is locked so I don't know if an edit gets seen or not, figure I'll try since people seem invested in it. Obviously this is so much past whether I'm an rear end in a top hat or not and just into keeping people who wanted to know informed. For some people I'm a victim, for some people I'm a victimizer. I asked for people's opinion so I will try very hard to keep both in mind going forward. A sincere thank you for your input, good or bad.

So update. She got home at 3:30. Was still very pissy and told me not to ask her any questions until she got out of the shower and said she wanted to talk then. She usually gets home at 6pm on the dot so I knew something was up. I said that was fine but like literally on pins and needles until she came back out to our computer room where I was working. So about 4:15 she comes out in a with a towel wrapped around her hair and just one around her waist. In my head I figure if she was really breaking up with me she wouldn't be let me see her boobs (editorializing: her nearly perfectly perky D cup boobs). It wasn't a sexual gesture by any stretch but it also was showing that she wasn't covering up around me. I took that as a good sign because I wasn't sure about breaking up with her and at least we had options. So first of all as nutty as I made her deservedly sound, she has never had compunctions about apologizing when she's wrong. So she said that she wanted to say that she was very sorry for all the things that she had said to me starting on Sunday, she was sorry for throwing her shoe at me, she was sorry for the silent treatment and she was sorry for doubting my judgement. I told her that I appreciated it. She told me that she quit yesteday. I told her that I very much agreed with that.

She said that yesterday she went into the office and the boss/owner was waiting for her in her office (this is important to mention, the law firm is an old converted historic house close to downtown, most of the staff work in what used to be the main house, my fiancé's office was literally the outdoor shed/garage. It's a very nice and comfortable conversion but it's still separated from the main "house." So him sitting in her office means he had to go out in the backyard, find a key he doesn't usually have, unlock her space and wait for her. On the first day back from a holiday). He told her that he wanted to make sure there were "no misunderstandings" from the night prior and to make sure that all the doors weren't shut or some such nonsense. She told me she told him that she was deeply upset by his proposal and didn't know what she was going to do. I guess he told her that her value in the company could either go up or down depending on how she decided to proceed. She said that she walked out on the spot and didn't go back to work. She spent the rest of the day with her sister trying to figure out what she was going to do. That was yesterday and I guess she still doesn't know. I guess she spent all day today looking for other jobs and sitting in her employment office of her MBA office and talking with her advisor. I asked her why she just didn't tell me any of this yesterday and why scream at me. She said she was sorry again but she was a little shell shocked that she faced serious sexual harassment in her first job out of the gate and honestly didn't even know what she wanted to say to me. I told her that the silent treatment really hurt AND it allowed my imagination to run wild (I didn't tell her what I said here, in this OP). She again said she was sorry and the way she acted throughout the entire event wasn't fair. I told her that I really do love her but I hadn't slept in two nights, I am exhausted and hurt and don't know what to do so I'm going to go stay at my uncles house for at least a few nights, to sleep if nothing else. She said that was fine and she'd wait as long as I wanted her to. I told her that I think we need some sort of counseling so we learn how to better talk with each other. She agreed.

So after that I packed up a bag and am now at my uncles house. She did give me a bare chested hug and kiss on the cheek on my way out the door which was pretty nice (and niiiiiiiicee….) but right now I need some sleep.

What I do know:

I want to stay with her.

I need to never use words like "you can't go" ever again.

I really do love her.

We are fine for money without her working. I am co-owner of a auto-repair business with my uncle and we have had a great few years.

What I don't know (and didn't ask, yet at least):

What is she going to do about her boss?

How this affects her future employment.

That she will realize we are fine without her working and she takes her time and finds a good job with a good boss.

I'm sure there's a million other things I'm forgetting or questions I'm not answering. I think the mods are sick of this thread so it's locked. I'm newish to reddit so I don't know if you can see this, if you can respond, if it's dead...just don't know.

but thanks for the help.

quote:

Hey all, so I am stuck in a weird position and would like some input. I am a 29m dating a 25f, I love her. Coming up on our one year next month, the relationship has been amazing. She is absolutely gorgeous which I tell her whole-heartedly almost every morning.

The problem is that she often has low self-esteem and has revealed to me recently that she's wanted plastic surgery since college. I think that she absolutely does not need it, but if it makes her happy I support her to get what she wants.

Her birthday is coming up in a couple weeks and this is the point where friction occurs, because her ex-boyfriend comes into the picture. I don't know much about him except he grew up with her and they dated through high school and college for 4 years or so, (I assume she feels connected to him and trusts him). He is going on a business trip to Brazil (accessible plastic surgery) and he's offered for her to stay with him and pay for the operations(jaw/chin/nose), whilst taking care of her for a week when she's resting and recovering.

She has argued that she sees this as a grand opportunity, he'll be there and pay for everything for her birthday, no cost to her. Something she's wanted for years now since college (6 years) and I selfishly don't feel comfortable with it. She has told me it's not about him, yet it kills me that she's been planning this out with him for who knows how long strategically thinking how to ask me. Her ex works in high-end finance, High salary $$, I do okay myself but probably not in his $ range which gives her some reason not to want to ask that of me.

I have offered for us to go another time if she really wanted, but her reasons to not go with me later are that it would "burden $$" me, I would see her bloody and "ugly" after the surgeries, and she wants to just USE her ex for these operations she's always wanted.

Of course there's always the small worry that they express these long hidden feelings for each other and she dumps me to get back with him, but I honestly, stupidly, and inexplicably trust her when she says she wants to use him for these things she always wanted and come back to me.

I am sort of leaning toward letting her do it, she really pulls the (I've wanted this for over 6 years why should I turn this down for someone I've been dating for not even a year) card really well.

Should I be happy that she doesn't want to burden me? Have me pay? Take care of her? See her that way? Which I've expressed that I would have absolutely no-problem with doing?

TLDR - Gf wants to take ex's (childhood friend) offer to take her to Brazil and pay for plastics for her bday, she says she wants to use him for this and come back to me..

Is this normal to let her? What accountability is normal/uncontrolling, (text, call, facetime) every night? I support her to do what she wants, but having her ex do all these things for her and her being okay with that is a real shot in the gut

Leon Einstein posted:

It was controlling to tell her she can't go, even though his intuition was correct.