/r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > /r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

Seven Hundred Bee: Nov 1, 2006

Anyone have a link to the story about the boyfriend who liked his tendies so much he missed s flight with his girlfriend because he was too busy eating at the airport Applebee�s?

# ? May 26, 2019 16:23

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Jun 3, 2024 21:22

Jeffrey of YOSPOS: Dec 22, 2005; GET LOSE, YOU CAN'T COMPARE WITH MY POWERS

Yeah seriously, I was expecting a worse excuse than that and I was all ready to chastise the student for not lying but that one's pretty good. The one time I dumbly missed a test I went with "up all night with diarrhea" but in 2019 I think "I just came out" is better.

# ? May 26, 2019 16:24

kru: Oct 5, 2003

areyoucontagious posted:

It�s so hard for me when a person is all �...and after they finished slapping me around the Applebee�s and punching my mom in the kidneys, they dumped their vodka all over me and set both me and my appies on fire� and I have to tell them �it�s so sad you didn�t die in the fire�

It's worse, she's using it to mean 'appetizer'

# ? May 26, 2019 16:27

SulfurMonoxideCute: Feb 9, 2008; I was under direct orders not to die
🐵❌💀

Known Lecher posted:

I saw the word "appies" and my vision faded into a red haze until the beginning of the next post, so I don't know if that's a repost or if there's yet another person out there using that term.

It's very common.

Also she needs to dump his petty rear end.

# ? May 26, 2019 16:29

Danaru: Jun 5, 2012; 何 ??

Picnic Princess posted:

It's very common.

Please say sike

# ? May 26, 2019 16:34

Switchback: Jul 23, 2001

The rare moment I actually made it to the bottom of the thread, so I ventured over to Reddit to see if I could find us some new material.

It�s a loving cesspool, I�m instantly furious, and forever grateful for all of you that continually take this silver bullet to procure content for this thread. Us goons may be weirdos but we have funny takes that are better than 100% of those reddit weirdos. God drat reddit sucks.

# ? May 26, 2019 16:36

Jeffrey of YOSPOS: Dec 22, 2005; GET LOSE, YOU CAN'T COMPARE WITH MY POWERS

Switchback posted:

The rare moment I actually made it to the bottom of the thread, so I ventured over to Reddit to see if I could find us some new material.

It�s a loving cesspool, I�m instantly furious, and forever grateful for all of you that continually take this silver bullet to procure content for this thread. Us goons may be weirdos but we have funny takes that are better than 100% of those reddit weirdos. God drat reddit sucks.

Seriously - goons are excellent curators.

# ? May 26, 2019 16:39

mind the walrus: Sep 22, 2006

They really are. Reddit is infamous for recycling and repackaging old content but I'll be damned if Goons aren't consistently picking ones that stick out from the sea of fakes.

# ? May 26, 2019 16:43

Palpek: Dec 27, 2008; Do you feel it, Zach?
My coffee warned me about it.

MasBrillante posted:

I [30m] too picky, Searched for too long. Dwelled on shortcomings and lost my best match. Feeling depressed and hopeless.

**TL;DR;** : It's complicated. A tragedy. Failed to detect when "the one" came by because my ideal was someone different. My ideal have changed only afterwards to match "the one" I have had. She was so rare and exotic I won't be able to find someone similar. Now there is a new girl that matches my previous ideal but my requirements have changed but I doubt I will find something exotic as what I have had. Feeling so lost. Where to head now?

It's cool that this melodramatic guy beeped booped his way out of true perfect love so that nobody except him has to suffer.

# ? May 26, 2019 17:11

Grape: Nov 16, 2017; Happily shilling for China!

ad090 posted:

AITA for failing a student because their excuse for missing the final was not satisfactory?

Now having the power to issue retakes myself I can safely say YATA.

# ? May 26, 2019 17:29

Vim Fuego: Jun 1, 2000; Ultra Carp

Grape posted:

I can safely say YATTA!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rW6M8D41ZWU

# ? May 26, 2019 17:31

Palpek: Dec 27, 2008; Do you feel it, Zach?
My coffee warned me about it.

My boyfriend �slut shames� me because of my post partum body

quote:

Some background: I used to be very small chested and thin. I also used to wear a lot of dresses and he loved this. Last August we had our son, so my body still looked like I was 5 months pregnant until about September when it was sweater weather, so I missed out on my wearing any of the dresses I really liked and he never saw my �new body�.

Since being pregnant, my chest went from a size B to a DD. My body is just generally fuller and I�ve been feeling self conscious about it for awhile, but he has been encouraging until now.

On Mother�s Day he bought me a really pretty floral dress. The chest area has a dip that is not over the top, but it does show the tops of my newly bigger boobs. I tried it on and he immediately acted off and told me it would just be an �around the house� dress. He has never shamed me before so I figured he thought I didn�t like it, so we met up for lunch later and I wore it to show him I did. He blew up telling me how provocative I looked and that I was trying to look �sexy� in all the photos with our son and how disgusted he would feel when he looked back at them. We walked back home and he continued this, every time I walked past a guy he would tell me they must be thinking about how easy I was. He told me that we were going to have to go through my closet and throw away any dresses that make me look like a prostitute.

I got upset with him and told him I was not dressing to look like a whore and that he needed to accept my body wasn�t going to look the same as before, and I couldn�t just tuck my boobs away especially in summer heat. He got annoyed and asked if I was actually getting mad over it and we didn�t talk for a few hours.

His apology was, �I�m not saying this to make you feel bad, but, C�MON.�

I don�t know what to do as he has NEVER been like this before. I feel so ashamed and humiliated and I�m trying to pretend I am not embarrassed but he has really hurt me but can�t see it. Any advice on what to say or if anyone else has been in a similar situation would be great.

But wait for the comments...

quote:

Look up the "Madonna/whore" complex for more about this particular flavor of misogyny. Seems like your husband might have come down with a case.

quote:

I met an ex through a fetish site, and as soon as we became serious all the kinky stuff stopped and it was straight up missionary in the dark if at all.

After months of thinking I was the one wrong because I must have done something to turn him off he tells me that no, he just can�t do anything like that with me now because he �loves� me... turned out to be an abusive narcissist anyway, but that was my introduction to the Madonna/Whore complex.

He literally couldn�t get it up for me once he had feelings.

quote:

It sounds like his own insecurities to me. I got implants because I had nothing at all and nothing would even fit right. My ex-husband got so insecure that even one piece bathing suits with knee length shorts was too exposing

quote:

Yeah, that's what came to my mind too when I read the post. I used to have a boyfriend who dumped me, but we would still hook up occasionally. Once he told me that the sex is so good, in a few years when he has a wife he still wants to gently caress me on the side... Like wtf dude. You're not even married yet but you are already planning on cheating ?! That's when I realised that things not gonna work out between us the way I hoped, because he's looking for a Madonna and I'm just a whore of Babylon to him.

quote:

HOLY poo poo a lightbulb just went off in my head.... All the kink stuff stopped when we got married. surprisedpikachu.jpg

# ? May 26, 2019 17:35

Palpek: Dec 27, 2008; Do you feel it, Zach?
My coffee warned me about it.

Changing accents, is this fixable?

quote:

My (41m) wife (40f) changes her accent to match who she is talking to. We have some Asian friends that have thick accents, and my wife talks to them like she's in a1950s film playing an Asian character. Her family is mostly deep southern with accents to match and my wife imitates their drawl when conversing with them.

I don't like it.

# ? May 26, 2019 18:02

MasBrillante: Dec 3, 2005; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Palpek posted:

Changing accents, is this fixable?

This is loving hilarious.

# ? May 26, 2019 18:05

mind the walrus: Sep 22, 2006

My dad used to do that with servers at restaurants. I get that it's just a mirroring technique to get people to like you, and most people don't seem to notice/are too polite to say anything, but it's still hard to sit through when you know the person.

# ? May 26, 2019 18:08

DeadMansSuspenders: Jan 10, 2012; I wanna be your left hand man

I found myself doing that with people who lisp . No idea why.

# ? May 26, 2019 18:09

Grape: Nov 16, 2017; Happily shilling for China!

I do that with my wife lol

# ? May 26, 2019 18:17

FormatAmerica: Jun 3, 2005; Grimey Drawer

Code switching is an important, useful skill that freaks dumb people out. It's easy to misapply and be racist or offensive if you don't know your audience.

# ? May 26, 2019 18:49

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

Palpek posted:

My boyfriend �slut shames� me because of my post partum body

But wait for the comments...

what thE gently caress

# ? May 26, 2019 19:01

Palpek: Dec 27, 2008; Do you feel it, Zach?
My coffee warned me about it.

Pick posted:

what thE gently caress

Yeah, I got to admit that I haven't heard about that particular mysoginystic schema before reading that thread. It's insane and connects some hosed up sexist behaviors I haven't connected before.

# ? May 26, 2019 19:14

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

Palpek posted:

Yeah, I got to admit that I haven't heard about that particular mysoginystic schema before reading that thread. It's insane and connects some hosed up sexist behaviors I haven't connected before.

I've started spending more of my time with a prostitute (who I am not having sex with) than posting on the forums (long story) and she tells me a lot of things that are confusing but make things like this make a hell of a lot more sense.

# ? May 26, 2019 19:16

DeadMansSuspenders: Jan 10, 2012; I wanna be your left hand man

Search term emphasized.
Me [29 M] considering telling my fiance [29 F] who I dated for 10 years that I have cheated

quote:

Recently got engaged and have felt guilty about a cheating incident from a while back. We dated for 10 years and everything was great except for one year where we dated long distance. During that year, I got drunk at a party and kind of had sex with another girl. I say kind of had sex because I stopped it part way through after realizing what was I was doing. But I mean my dick got wet... I hosed up.

I felt like poo poo for the next few days but then got over it. At the time I rationalized it as a one time stupid hting, but as the wedding day comes I am feeling more and more guilt. Part of the reason was the girl I had sex with is a common friend so I am reminded regularly at other social events. It's also like a double betrayal for her.

One of the reasons I didn't mention it yet is that she is a psychologist and during our years dating, she told me that research has shown that the partner that was cheated on doesn't want to know if it's a one time thing... Couples who have stayed together after an incident report that they were better off not knowing.

Is it worth telling? Is the psychology thing worth noting at all?

My [30 F] boyfriend [34 M] never said he loves me, but goes above and beyond to show it to me. I cannot get over it, help.

quote:

Help me reddit. We have been together for a while and everything is great except for this one thing. The word love. I have never heard it from him.

On the other hand, I know that he tries to show it to me every single day. He listens to me very intently. When I made a passing comment about how his haircut makes him looks handsome and several years younger, he regularly cut his hair that way. He knows I like him clean shaven, so he shaves cleanly and meticulously when I am around. He put on warm bath without me asking and bought me a special brush after seeing me struggling with my Merida-like hair. He offers to drive me everywhere cause he knows although I have my own car and driving license, I hate driving. I also realized that although he tried to make it as subtle as he could, everytime we go out for dinner or movies...the movies are always the genre I like and the foods are also the kind of food I like.

We don't live together, but when I am at his place, he always stock his fridge with beverages and snacks that I like. He let me washed some of my clothes at his place and when I am getting them back, they are always neatly folded and ironed. He is also very encouraging of my plans long or short term. There have been so many things he created to make my life easier (he is gifted in carpentry and DIY) or he gifted me things that I currently needed. He physically defended me from two drunks aggresive guys once (luckily he emerged victorious) and the two occassions where I saw him crying were the times where I was in physical or emotional pain (accidentally dropping a knife on my foot once and the other was finding out that my beloved uncle died but family kept it from me.)

The sex is also out of this world. He is very passionate and catering to my needs and letting me to try many things to return the favor. This is the only relationship where the sex makes me feel not only satisfied but also whole after.

I know, I know. I am loved. So help me reddit. How to get rid of this crazy need to hear 'I love you' from him? I don't want him to say it out of me blackmailing him or because I demanded it...I want him to say it out of his own free will and heart. Or maybe I need to hear some tough love, because I know that it sounds ridiculous.

Edit: Forgot to add that yes, I have told him that I love him. His reactions were always positive (hugging, kissing me, misty eyed) but he never said anything back even after I asked "and what about you?"

tl;dr: BF shows me at every chance he got that he loves me but never said it to me verbally.

My [30M] Long-term GF [29F] wants marriage but is not attracted/doesn't want sex anymore

quote:

Had a interesting situation with my GF. We've been in a long-term relationship of over 10 years. Various reasons for this, including life/career/parental disapproval/etc. Mostly things work well, apart from the whole society expects people to eventually get married thing.

We recently had a conversation where she said that she wanted to be serious, get married, etc. I assume getting to 30 has a lot to do with that. However, she also said she's not attracted to me physically and she doesn't want to have sex anymore. The no sex part is a complete dealbreaker for me. Now people don't say these sorts of things without context, so I will provide that:

Over the course of our relationship, it's pretty clear that the physical part just isn't there for her anymore. Part of that was perhaps that I was out of shape for a period of time (not anymore), but I still melt for her everytime I see her. It's clear that sex isn't really enjoyable for her anymore (she claims never), and in the last few months, its now at the point where she won't let me touch her at all during sex (she'll keep her bra on, just PIV, and she'll be dry anyway, so it usually leads to frustration). It certainly wasn't like this when we started eons ago (we were at it every single chance we got, from the backseat to other um, places, so unless she was faking it the whole time), but then again, that was eons ago.

In this recent conversation, she says that any sort of sexual contact (even foreplay, like playing with the breasts) completely turns her off and is physically uncomfortable. She doesn't want it at all, which really hurts for me, because I need some sexuality in my life, though I'm really ok if it's not mindblowing -- but she doesn't want to be even touched anymore. She says that everything else is really great except for that, so we should just learn to live without it and move forward with our lives. To be clear, there's definitely emotional closeness, but there isn't a -- sexual closeness. Her claim is that she can't transform what she feels for me emotionally into sexual feelings.

Now, it is true, everything else is really great. But, I can't imagine living in a sexless relationship, and it really bothers me that she doesn't want to try to put the effort to make it work. I brought it up, and after much pushing, she begrudgingly agreed to perhaps seeking therapy, but I'm doubtful that's going to work without much initiative from her end. In fact, she seems to be pretty convinced that because we "don't have chemistry" we "can't have good sex" and that we "shouldn't bother" and that "it'd be just for you [me]". I really would like it if she'd just try to put some effort into having sex, even if it doesn't turn out to be mind blowing.

I've tried a lot of things over the last two years, ranging from attempting to give her more space, greatly improving looks/hygiene/etc, to no avail. Now I know what some people are thinking, that I should "just break up with her"/"relationships aren't worth it if the physical attraction isn't there", but I'm not looking for that sort of advice. The kind of advice I'm looking for is how to get her to put some effort into the sexual part of the relationship, when she seems to have just given up.

Any suggestions would be appreciated. Not looking for comments such as "You're just physically incompatible, don't marry her", etc. Looking for constructive feedback on making the best out of the situation.

# ? May 26, 2019 19:18

FactsAreUseless: Feb 16, 2011

DeadMansSuspenders posted:

My [30M] Long-term GF [29F] wants marriage but is not attracted/doesn't want sex anymore

~~You're just physically incompatible, don't marry her.~~ Lie to yourself until your suicide.

# ? May 26, 2019 19:24

DeadMansSuspenders: Jan 10, 2012; I wanna be your left hand man

My [32F] Husband [34M] is loud. Like, REALLY LOUD. To the point I think I'm getting hearing damage. What do?

quote:

So, my husband is really great, except for this one little thing.

He is loud. When he talks, he always, without exception, no matter the situation or context, will project his voice so that he SHOUTS whatever he's saying. We're in a little coffee shop with few other customers, he'll still shout whatever he's saying so that they can hear his side of the conversation. It's at night and we have paper thin walls and our elderly neighbor goes to bed early. He still doesn't tone down his volume and will talk as if he's in a crowded room and he's struggling to talk over people.

He's from a really loud family; his brother and mother are exactly the same, the loudest people in the room and they'll compete with each other to be the loudest. Family get-togethers with them make me wish I could bring ear defenders.

But my main problem is his snoring. His loud, unceasing, jet-engine taking off snoring. I've used one of those decibel meter apps (inaccurate, I know) and it clocked his snoring at 90dbls. All night. Every night. For 8 hours. Reddit, I have permanent tinnitus after a decade of sleeping next to this man. I don't know how I can take even another decade of this. I'm genuinely afraid I'm going to have hearing loss from this.

I've tried for so long in so many different ways to try to get him to go to the god drat doctor about his snoring. Not even telling him that I'm genuinely certain that he has sleep apnoea, that you can literally die in your sleep from apnoea, that I've listened to the man I love most in the world choking and spluttering and struggling to breathe and it terrifies me that I'm not going to be awake to shake him up to stop him from suffocating in his sleep.

He won't go to the god drat doctor. He's not even registered. He's not been in fifteen years. He makes all these promises, but never follows through. We've had heart-to-hearts, I've been weeping, in tears in front of him, begging him to go to the doctor, and he's promised, he's apologized, he's sworn he'll do it the next day, but he doesn't. We've been married for eight years, and I've been asking him for a year longer than that.

Reddit, do I have to infantilise this man to make an appointment for him, like he's a child to fix this? Because he sure as frack isn't going to do it himself. And at this point I've given up trying to get him to use his inside voice. I've just stopped going on dates with him to restaurants and coffee shops because he will not ever stop SHOUTING all the goddamn time. No matter how I ask, nicely, sweetly, joking, exasperatedly. I've just given up. And it makes me so sad that I can't do these nice things with him because he will shout so loudly that it disturbs everyone around us. I've watched. (note; we're in the UK, in a sleepy little town. People are not routinely EXTREMELY LOUD here).

TLDR I've married THE LOUDEST MAN IN THE UK. And I think I'm going deaf from it. He's even loud in his sleep and won't go to the doctor to talk about his likely sleep apnoea

Excessive formatting all OP's.

# ? May 26, 2019 19:25

QuarkJets: Sep 8, 2008

DeadMansSuspenders posted:

My [30M] Long-term GF [29F] wants marriage but is not attracted/doesn't want sex anymore

Maybe see if you can get your brain transplanted into a new body

# ? May 26, 2019 19:37

Entorwellian: Jun 30, 2006; ~~Northern Flicker~~
Anna's Hummingbird

Sorry, but the people have spoken.

chitoryu12 posted:

Continuing with the machete theme, I (26m) took a girl (22f) out on a date, is it a deal breaker that she had a machete in her car?

I know people are saying this is cool but what if she were Hutu and he was a Tutsi?

# ? May 26, 2019 19:42

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

Entorwellian posted:

I know people are saying this is cool but what if she were Hutu and he was a Tutsi?

I actually think it's cool that this forum is full of people intelligent and politically informed enough to be making rwandan genocide references like 25 years later. this joke would have bombed anywhere else. I dunno, it's what makes this place special. I love sa.

# ? May 26, 2019 19:47

Mr. Lobe: Feb 23, 2007; ... Dry bones...

Pick posted:

I actually think it's cool that this forum is full of people intelligent and politically informed enough to be making rwandan genocide references like 25 years later. this joke would have bombed anywhere else. I dunno, it's what makes this place special. I love sa.

this but unironically

# ? May 26, 2019 19:49

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

Mr. Lobe posted:

this but unironically

i wasn't being ironic

# ? May 26, 2019 19:53

Mr. Lobe: Feb 23, 2007; ... Dry bones...

Pick posted:

i wasn't being ironic

# ? May 26, 2019 20:17

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

noooooooooooooooo

# ? May 26, 2019 20:22

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

DeadMansSuspenders posted:

My [32F] Husband [34M] is loud. Like, REALLY LOUD. To the point I think I'm getting hearing damage. What do?

Excessive formatting all OP's.

For reference, 90 decibels is about as loud as a lawnmower.

# ? May 26, 2019 20:30

Freudian: Mar 23, 2011

My wife [35F] thinks I [37M] have too many weapons and wants me to get rid of some because of our kids [1F, 4M, 7M].

quote:

I've been with my wife now for 12 years. She knows I like weapons (knives, swords, axes, machetes, guns, bows, etc.) and collect them. It was never a problem either.

Due to an increase in salary, I've been able to acquire a lot more over the last couple of years. I buy a new item probably on average every 2 weeks or so. I don't show most of what I buy to my wife, so she's not really paid attention to how much I've been buying. Somehow it came up the other day (I was talking about certain pieces I own and I think she finally realized that I have a lot of everything) and she wanted to know what I have, so I showed her. Now she thinks I have too many weapons and is concerned about our children getting hurt or being negatively influenced. Everything I have is stored in a room with a lock on the door, and only I have the key. All my guns are in safes. Some of my knives are locked away, but most of the axes, swords, and machetes are not. Bows definitely aren't.

I really don't see the issue. It seems to be more about the quantity than any real threat to our kids. I would like to ignore her request, but she's been pushing me on this. Is there a way to maybe get her to overcome the fear and realize that everything is stored safely away from our kids?

tl;dr: Wife thinks I have too many weapons and need to get rid of some to make our kids safer and also because she thinks having that many weapons send the wrong message to her kids. Everything is safely stored, so there's no real concern. I don't see a compromise, so maybe it's easier to try to get her to overcome the fear.

Freudian fucked around with this message at 20:56 on May 26, 2019

# ? May 26, 2019 20:52

Freudian: Mar 23, 2011

My wife doesn't want to get an Au Pair because she thinks I'm going to cheat on her

quote:

33M/32F/2M/2M/0M

TLDR: My marriage hurts.

2 pregnancies, twins, then a singleton. All within 15 months. Her body got wrecked. We don't have sex that much anymore. Not cause I'm disgusted, but she just doesn't feel sexy.

We talk, but not as much as we should. She doesn't speak English that well. Not terrible, but it's like constant grammatical mistakes that a 4 year old wouldn't even make. It drives me up the wall. She refuses to take lessons.

Mostly that's why we're not intimate anymore. We grew apart. Not that we were ever really together. We met 3 months before she got pregnant.

She doesn't work. I do. I don't mind, but I think she does.

She's going crazy at home. Can't handle 3 boys, even with her mom her helping. I get it though.

I think we need to hire help. She does too. But she refuses to consider an Au Pair. Human nature, she says. Human nature will cause our relationship to end in divorce if we hire an Au Pair.

I think, if that's how she feels, it will end in divorce anyway.

I treat her well. I've never cheated. I care about her and the boys. But she's so insecure, and it feels like she's refusing to accept her world as it is and adapt.

I don't know what to do.

Can you help?

This feels like slam poetry somehow.

# ? May 26, 2019 20:57

Best Bi Geek Squid: Mar 25, 2016

"DeadMansSuspenders" posted:

My [30M] Long-term GF [29F] wants marriage but is not attracted/doesn't want sex anymore

shot by an arrow, looking for advice

please don't waste my time by telling me to go to the hospital and get the arrow removed. Looking for constrictive advice only thx

# ? May 26, 2019 20:57

Best Bi Geek Squid: Mar 25, 2016

Freudian posted:

My wife doesn't want to get an Au Pair because she thinks I'm going to cheat on her

This feels like slam poetry somehow.

tbf he is absolutely going to bang the au pair

# ? May 26, 2019 20:58

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

Best Bi Geek Squid posted:

tbf he is absolutely going to bang the au pair

# ? May 26, 2019 20:59

MasBrillante: Dec 3, 2005; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Eat the rich.

# ? May 26, 2019 20:59

mind the walrus: Sep 22, 2006

Freudian posted:

My wife [35F] thinks I [37M] have too many weapons and wants me to get rid of some because of our kids [1F, 4M, 7M].

I'm more worried about the dude's compulsive buying than the kids getting access to weapons. I mean there shouldn't be any, but whatever 200 weapons or 2 are the same if they're kept in one locked room.

Best Bi Geek Squid posted:

tbf he is absolutely going to bang the au pair

In this case this is 100% what is going to happen.

# ? May 26, 2019 21:10

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Jun 3, 2024 21:22

QuarkJets: Sep 8, 2008

MasBrillante posted:

Eat the rich.

This but unironically

# ? May 26, 2019 21:10

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > /r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

«‹›6020 »