/r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

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Vim Fuego: Jun 1, 2000; Ultra Carp

therobit posted:

Oh my god Cumshitter I normally use the app but I just followed the link in your avatar and that is loving amazing.

# ? Jul 19, 2019 18:19

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# ? May 29, 2024 02:18

Rubellavator: Aug 16, 2007

DemoneeHo posted:

AITA for talking to my nephew about the birds and the bees?

You, the parents, had like 4 years to give him the talk. It's your fault for waiting so long.

Are they afraid he might get his boyfriend pregnant or something.

# ? Jul 19, 2019 18:19

PHIZ KALIFA: Dec 21, 2011; #mood

MF_James posted:

I would have hosed with the food after the 3rd or 4th time, put some laxatives in it or something like that

these stories show up about every 100 pages and usually what happens is the police get involved because you can't poison people even if they're assholes. Someone literally did the "teehee i really like super spicy curry" poo poo and was threatened with a lawsuit for it. pretty sure they got driven out of that job.

this isn't an attack on you specifically, this kind of prank revenge shows up in movies and TV all the time and people suffer for it. CSI or one of those bullshit copaganda shows did the "a few drops of visine in your teacher's coffee will give them explosive diahrreha!" thing in one episode and a bunch of kids did it in real life and sent a bunch of teachers to the hospital because it turns out actually drinking visine can loving kill you.

# ? Jul 19, 2019 18:24

Baronjutter: Dec 31, 2007; "Tiny Trains"

yeah it's weird how in our legal culture "People were stealing my food so I made my food really spicy" actually opens you up to way more legal risk than throwing everyone's food away, but that's the system we live in.

The absolute last thing you should do when people are stealing food is anything to the food because of our hell-system. But then again food-thieves only operate in poorly managed workplaces to just destroy your boss.

# ? Jul 19, 2019 18:30

EL BROMANCE: Jun 10, 2006; COWABUNGA DUDES!
🥷🐢😬

It seems that people stealing food at work is such a global thing, it happens everywhere. I wonder what the minimum number of people sharing a kitchen is before people feel they can get away with that poo poo.

# ? Jul 19, 2019 18:32

Power Khan: Aug 20, 2011; by Fritz the Horse

Baronjutter posted:

yeah it's weird how in our legal culture "People were stealing my food so I made my food really spicy" actually opens you up to way more legal risk than throwing everyone's food away, but that's the system we live in.

The absolute last thing you should do when people are stealing food is anything to the food because of our hell-system. But then again food-thieves only operate in poorly managed workplaces to just destroy your boss.

Laxatives do, but making it spicy doesn't put you at legal risk from what we've learned so far.

# ? Jul 19, 2019 18:33

Pinecone Sample: Oct 12, 2010; THIS ACCOUNT HAS BEEN SEIZED
by the United States Federal Bureau of Investigation in accordance with a seizure warrant issued pursuant to 69 U.S.C Sec. 420

Power Khan posted:

Laxatives do, but making it spicy doesn't put you at legal risk from what we've learned so far.

what about making my vibrator spicy?

# ? Jul 19, 2019 18:34

Dr Strangepants: Nov 26, 2003; Mein F�hrer! I can dance!

Office food stealing is baffling to me. I don't want any part of some co-workers garbage diet that they prepped with their sullied hands.

# ? Jul 19, 2019 18:35

sephiRoth IRA: Jun 13, 2007; "Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

Power Khan posted:

Laxatives do, but making it spicy doesn't put you at legal risk from what we've learned so far.

Yeah, that guy specifically said he likes spicy food and could demonstrate to management that he could wolf it down no problem, but didn�t he still get a ton of poo poo thrown his way?

# ? Jul 19, 2019 18:37

Pope Corky the IX: Dec 18, 2006; What are you looking at?

I once worked with a guy named Wally that used to steal from the fridge all the time. We finally caught him eating from a yogurt cup that clearly had "SYLVIA" written in Sharpie on it and he still insisted that it was his. I'm not sure why he didn't get fired for that. But he did eventually get fired after he fell asleep in his plate of penne at the company holiday party because he was a loving smack addict.

# ? Jul 19, 2019 18:37

AnoHito: May 8, 2014

Dr Strangepants posted:

Office food stealing is baffling to me. I don't want any part of some co-workers garbage diet that they prepped with their sullied hands.

Have you considered having more senseless spite?

# ? Jul 19, 2019 18:38

PHIZ KALIFA: Dec 21, 2011; #mood

Power Khan posted:

Laxatives do, but making it spicy doesn't put you at legal risk from what we've learned so far.

legal is debatable, but what's crystal clear is it gives the rear end in a top hat grounds to make a greivance against you which would then make shutting down the lunchthief more difficult than it has to be. You don't want to give an rear end in a top hat grounds to ruin your reputation because they will, as a ploy to minimize their own transgressions.

What I suggest is developing a taste for commonplace but strongly smelling Asian foods, like kimchi and durian. Anything made with fish sauce. If you eat an entire raw durian in the lunchroom, according to Thai law you now own the business. Kimchi is made with red pepper but it's only offensively hot to the whitest of whitebread honky rear end Iacubians. Either way, you get a healthy and nutritious meal and everyone else has to put up with the heavenly aromas of your kimchi jigae while they suck poo poo through their soylent bottle.

areyoucontagious posted:

Yeah, that guy specifically said he likes spicy food and could demonstrate to management that he could wolf it down no problem, but didn�t he still get a ton of poo poo thrown his way?

i'm fairly certain he ended up quitting in one of the updates, yeah.

# ? Jul 19, 2019 18:39

Bruceski: Aug 21, 2007; The tools of a hero mean nothing without a solid core.

areyoucontagious posted:

Yeah, that guy specifically said he likes spicy food and could demonstrate to management that he could wolf it down no problem, but didn�t he still get a ton of poo poo thrown his way?

The story I heard about that it (I think from Ask a Manager) turned out the food thief was sleeping with the HR person, hence the poo poo-throwing. Everything wound up turning into a massive clusterfuck because it didn't stop at food and the HR person was powertripping and didn't know how to quit while ahead. Tried to go the extra mile in screwing people over and got attention.

# ? Jul 19, 2019 18:41

Sagebrush: Feb 26, 2012

areyoucontagious posted:

Yeah, that guy specifically said he likes spicy food and could demonstrate to management that he could wolf it down no problem, but didn�t he still get a ton of poo poo thrown his way?

that person got fired because it turned out that the head of HR was sleeping with the food thief. then when that relationship came to the front they fired both the HR person and the thief and brought the spicy food lady back on with extra pay.

# ? Jul 19, 2019 18:44

hevnz 2 murgatroyd: Apr 13, 2018; by Smythe

Barudak posted:

So Leonard Cuxtable over here is so pathetic Im mentally shouting encouragement to his wife like a rowdy wrestling fan. Yeah, cuck him from the top rope!!!

Barudak posted:

Wait he adopted a child with his cheating wife who disrespects him non-stop?

Oh god the voice in my head is now screaming with glee at the propsect of her cucking him through the spanish announcers table

Somebody stop the drat marriage!!

# ? Jul 19, 2019 18:49

Power Khan: Aug 20, 2011; by Fritz the Horse

Yea....food thief will ruin your reputation. Better beware.

A person that's somewhere around the same tiers of the office hierachy as seat sniffers and open tripping foot fetishists.

# ? Jul 19, 2019 18:51

Pinecone Sample: Oct 12, 2010; THIS ACCOUNT HAS BEEN SEIZED
by the United States Federal Bureau of Investigation in accordance with a seizure warrant issued pursuant to 69 U.S.C Sec. 420

I found a hidden camera in our bathroom and suspect my girlfriend

quote:

Hi everyone I live with my girlfriend in the condo that I bought 4 years ago. We are both late twenties.

This morning I cleaned the bathroom because we are having a small party at our place tonight where some of my and her friends are coming to celebrate her birthday .

We frequently have gatherings at our place but my girlfriend never lets me tidy up. She claims it’s cause I don’t do as good a job and that she just wants to do it so she knows it’s “done right”.

Since it’s her birthday I decided to surprise her and do it while she is at work before she comes home (I work from home btw).

But when I was scrubbing the floor I noticed something weird in the corner of the bathroom where the electrical outlet is - I ended up taking off the plate cover and found what is definitely a microsized camera. It was wired to a large usb battery tucked into the wall.

My first thought was maybe this was here before I bought the condo but I bought it from an elderly woman who was under assisted care - and the battery had a full charge.

The only person I can think is that it is her. She’s never given off signs of being a weirdo pervert so I’m honestly shocked.

I’m also extremely pissed cause the condo is on my name so if someone else found this and reported it to police, then I would be responsible and get arrested and convicted and prison.

While I would love to pack up her poo poo and just throw it out the window, I know there’s laws that protect ppl from being evicted without notice.

I guess my question is should I even talk to her about this and give her the opportunity to lie? Or should I just keep my mouth shut and break up with her for other reasons (say I am just not feeling it anymore)? My head is spinning and I’m both nervous and sick at the same time.

Worse yet I cannot cancel this party because she is having several friends come from her sorority in college and they’re staying with us.

# ? Jul 19, 2019 18:51

Jeffrey of YOSPOS: Dec 22, 2005; GET LOSE, YOU CAN'T COMPARE WITH MY POWERS

PHIZ KALIFA posted:

these stories show up about every 100 pages and usually what happens is the police get involved because you can't poison people even if they're assholes. Someone literally did the "teehee i really like super spicy curry" poo poo and was threatened with a lawsuit for it. pretty sure they got driven out of that job.

this isn't an attack on you specifically, this kind of prank revenge shows up in movies and TV all the time and people suffer for it. CSI or one of those bullshit copaganda shows did the "a few drops of visine in your teacher's coffee will give them explosive diahrreha!" thing in one episode and a bunch of kids did it in real life and sent a bunch of teachers to the hospital because it turns out actually drinking visine can loving kill you.

How would they catch you? Like this is good first order advice to someone hoping to make the cartoon plot a reality, but I think working around the dangers requires only briefly thinking about them. The real lesson is, if you're gonna dose a coworker with something, be sneaky about it. If there were cameras in the fridge that could tell who put it in there then, well, wouldn't they have used them on the food thief?

# ? Jul 19, 2019 18:53

Jeffrey of YOSPOS: Dec 22, 2005; GET LOSE, YOU CAN'T COMPARE WITH MY POWERS

There's also a bonus lesson in that, if what you say is true, it opens the door to another plot. If you don't like a coworker and they bring a lunch to work, steal it a few days in a row, then poison yourself with visine and blame them.

# ? Jul 19, 2019 18:57

Power Khan: Aug 20, 2011; by Fritz the Horse

Pinecone Sample posted:

I found a hidden camera in our bathroom and suspect my girlfriend

Having a deja vu here.

# ? Jul 19, 2019 18:57

i vomit kittens: Apr 25, 2019

Jeffrey of YOSPOS posted:

There's also a bonus lesson in that, if what you say is true, it opens the door to another plot. If you don't like a coworker and they bring a lunch to work, steal it a few days in a row, then poison yourself with visine and blame them.

extra points if you poo poo yourself in the office to really drive it home

# ? Jul 19, 2019 18:58

EL BROMANCE: Jun 10, 2006; COWABUNGA DUDES!
🥷🐢😬

i vomit kittens posted:

extra points if you poo poo yourself in the office to really drive it home

Can't read those words and not think of this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUzGrzsYqH4

# ? Jul 19, 2019 18:59

Pinecone Sample: Oct 12, 2010; THIS ACCOUNT HAS BEEN SEIZED
by the United States Federal Bureau of Investigation in accordance with a seizure warrant issued pursuant to 69 U.S.C Sec. 420

My (33m) fiance (30f) broke up with me because I gave her a fake diamond engagement ring.

quote:

Proposed a month ago with a moissanite ring (more ethical than diamonds). But I played it off as if it was a diamond. Her friend brought it into a jewelry store to have it checked and learned it wasn't a real diamond.

Girlfriend broke up with me over it because she can't trust me anymore and thinks I'm lying about other things (Even though I'm not, this was the only lie). She's not a gold digger, she's said she'd prefer a $200 diamond over a $5,000 fake. Her family has massive wealth as well and I'm just a normal guy.

Another issue is she told me she cheated on me recently, I asked if she was serious, she said yes. So I told her break up and I requested her to return the ring to me. Then she told me she was only kidding, didn't cheat on me, and was just testing me.

I know I messed up big time here. Today I went to the store to buy a real diamond ring, I emailed her a picture of it, but she says she can not accept it now. How do I recover and save the relationship? She's blocked me from all forms of contact currently.

tl;dr: Gave fiance fake diamond engagement ring, she lost all trust in me and broke up with. How do I fix relationship??

it gets better

quote:

Because I didn't want to seem cheap, I thought she really wanted a nicer one.

quote:

It's a long distance relationship - She lives in Asia, I'm in USA. I planned to move there and live with her starting in a few months.

quote:

I plan to move to Asia anyways still in a few months.

quote:

We've been in a relationship for 7 months

quote:

Yes we've spent 7 weeks together, some in Asia, some in USA

quote:

She emailed me this last night, after I tried to talk to her and apologize: "Please don�t disturb my life. You are very dishonest, disrespectful and underestimated me so much. I don�t care what you want to do for me because too late. You make me think of you as such an idiot, I don�t want to think of or hear anything from you. Your ring l will find a way to return you as soon as possible.

Think of you l can�t eat, so disgusting and cheap character. My most regret was to know you. Wasted my time, money and energy for such an idiot!"

(She's asian so english is 2nd language)

quote:

In 5-6 months I plan to move to Asia and live with her. Then after 6-12 months of living together successfully, we would have the wedding. We both want to adopt children instead of have our own.

quote:

She bought me a $1k diamond engagement ring to wear as well. Thanks for your advice man...I'll just keep a low profile and wait to see if she reaches out to me, then I'll assess what to do. If she doesn't contact me, then the decision is already made...

# ? Jul 19, 2019 19:08

Renegret: May 26, 2007; THANK YOU FOR CALLING HELP DOG, INC.

YOUR POSITION IN THE QUEUE IS *pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbt*

Cat Army Sworn Enemy

I'm going to ask the important question about the person who threw everyone's lunch into the garbage:

Did they throw out all the good tupperware too? Because if you mess with my lunch I'll be disappointed, but if you mess with my tupperware I'm going to gently caress your poo poo up. Today I brought my favorite pyrex since tomato sauce stains plastic.

# ? Jul 19, 2019 19:09

bus hustler: Mar 14, 2019; Ha Ha Ha... YES!

AITA for blocking a close friend after they sent me nudes ?

quote:

I have to start this off by saying that me and my friend (let�s call him John) have a very meme filled relationship. We regularly tell each other to do stupid poo poo but we never actually do it.

Today I was texting John and he asked if I wanted to see his dick. (He had said this sort of stuff before and I assumed it was a joke). I said � Yeah you won�t do it!�. He proceeded to send a snap, I opened it and guess what I saw....

HIS loving DICK!

I immediately blocked him on everything. I don�t know if I�m the rear end in a top hat in this situation because I did technically say yes but I obviously didn�t want to see that.

# ? Jul 19, 2019 19:13

Jack-Off Lantern: Mar 2, 2012

Play penis games,win penis prizes.

# ? Jul 19, 2019 19:19

Jeffrey of YOSPOS: Dec 22, 2005; GET LOSE, YOU CAN'T COMPARE WITH MY POWERS

charity rereg posted:

AITA for blocking a close friend after they sent me nudes ?

Today a guy from the new york times called and asked me if I wanted to subscribe to the new york times and I, knowing what a trash rag it is, said "Ahahaha yeah, definitely, I totally want you to send me the new york times, that sounds awesome. One new york times please" and what do I see on my doorstep the next day? THE loving NEW YORK TIMES.

# ? Jul 19, 2019 19:20

I Was The Fury: Oct 19, 2012; Always stop to smell the flowers, just in case they're weeds

charity rereg posted:

AITA for blocking a close friend after they sent me nudes ?

I'll only know who the rear end in a top hat is after I find out what costume the dilz was wearing

# ? Jul 19, 2019 19:30

Zzulu: May 15, 2009; (â°ËvËâ°)

Pinecone Sample posted:

My (33m) fiance (30f) broke up with me because I gave her a fake diamond engagement ring.

it gets better

How can people be like this

Is it brain damage?

# ? Jul 19, 2019 19:37

hevnz 2 murgatroyd: Apr 13, 2018; by Smythe

charity rereg posted:

AITA for blocking a close friend after they sent me nudes ?

If only he had added

Nobody:
My dick:

It would have qualified as a meme and he would have been fine.

# ? Jul 19, 2019 19:46

QuarkJets: Sep 8, 2008

charity rereg posted:

AITA for blocking a close friend after they sent me nudes ?

NTA dude is a creep

she was like "lol you wouldn't do that" like an idiot instead of delivering a firm no but he's the rear end in a top hat anyway

# ? Jul 19, 2019 19:52

Renegret: May 26, 2007; THANK YOU FOR CALLING HELP DOG, INC.

YOUR POSITION IN THE QUEUE IS *pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbt*

Cat Army Sworn Enemy

QuarkJets posted:

NTA dude is a creep

she was like "lol you wouldn't do that" like an idiot instead of delivering a firm no but he's the rear end in a top hat anyway

I'd need to see the unedited chat.

Yes she essentially dared him to do it, but if she escalated it to a double dog dare, everyone knows that he'd be required to follow through by law.

# ? Jul 19, 2019 19:55

CannonFodder: Jan 26, 2001; Passion’s Wrench

hevnz 2 murgatroyd posted:

If only he had added

Nobody:
My dick:

It would have qualified as a meme and he would have been fine.

"Me and the boys saying hello" and it's shaft with balls

# ? Jul 19, 2019 19:55

DJ Fuckboy Supreme: Feb 10, 2011; And when you stare long into the abyss, you become aggressively, terminally chill

Zzulu posted:

How can people be like this

Is it brain damage?

No, crushing loneliness and severe lack of self-worth.

Haven't you seen E/N?

# ? Jul 19, 2019 19:58

bus hustler: Mar 14, 2019; Ha Ha Ha... YES!

theres absolutely no genders in the "sent me nudes" post or any follow ups and the context clues (writing style, friendship where they dare each other to do stupid poo poo) makes me guess both parties are male./

# ? Jul 19, 2019 20:05

Mokelumne Trekka: Nov 22, 2015; Soon.

Dr Strangepants posted:

Office food stealing is baffling to me. I don't want any part of some co-workers garbage diet that they prepped with their sullied hands.

I don't even go to the lunch room. Eons of pettiness and assholery in that area must be avoided like an Indian burial ground.

# ? Jul 19, 2019 20:11

DemoneeHo: Nov 9, 2017; Come on hee-ho, just give us 300 more macca

My neighbors received a typed letter in a handwritten envelope through the post. The letter claimed that my wife and I are growing drugs, long time drug users and host bisexual swinger parties. My employer lives on my street and surely received this letter... My wife is a real estate agent.
[Douche]

quote:

Orlando, Florida.

Fortunately, one of my neighbors shared the typed letter and hand written envelope with me. Other neighbors called my wife to tell her. The envelope was written in a way clearly trying to obfuscate their handwriting but a trained eye (i work in corporate Fraud) can find plenty of patterns of their actual handwriting. I plan to file a police report today after work.

What else should i do? My wife is a real estate agent and the head of my company's local office is one of my neighbors. This is all lies but could hurt both of our careers and we have a teenage daughter (she saw the letter).

# ? Jul 19, 2019 20:22

StrangersInTheNight: Dec 31, 2007; ABSOLUTE FUCKING GUDGEON

Renegret posted:

I'm going to ask the important question about the person who threw everyone's lunch into the garbage:

Did they throw out all the good tupperware too? Because if you mess with my lunch I'll be disappointed, but if you mess with my tupperware I'm going to gently caress your poo poo up. Today I brought my favorite pyrex since tomato sauce stains plastic.

wait everyone doesn't just live with orange stained tupperware forever? i thought this was the fate of all tupperwares

poo poo am i not treating my tupperwares right?

# ? Jul 19, 2019 20:27

DemoneeHo: Nov 9, 2017; Come on hee-ho, just give us 300 more macca

Pinecone Sample posted:

My (33m) fiance (30f) broke up with me because I gave her a fake diamond engagement ring.

it gets better

You know that video of Picard getting exasperated at Data and does a double facepalm twice? I'm Picard, OP is Data, and each sentence by OP is making me cry in agony.

# ? Jul 19, 2019 20:28

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# ? May 29, 2024 02:18

OppositeAstronomer: May 26, 2008; yoink!

This is a kinda long read but I promise you will never guess the last line based on the story that precedes it.

AITA for rejecting her this way?

quote:

About a year ago I became fwb with a girl who lives five blocks away from me, we'll call her Willow. Willow isn't all there. She has terrible depression, social anxiety, and what we both thought was undiagnosed asburgers syndrome. After a few weeks Willow told me that she loved me one night in bed. I pretended to be asleep.

That summer I started working at a Renaissance Faire. It wasn't really my speed. The Faire was held at a park two hours away from my parents suburban house, but as I'm a 20 somethin' struggling actor I decided the gig might give me some needed experience. One day on the long drive to a rehearsal I was stuck in traffic behind a terrible car accident. When I finally saw the crash it was my exact make and model car, same color and everything, but only half the car was recognizable as a 16 wheeler crashed into it.

When I got to the ren Faire I immediately got on the phone to Willow. I told her I was quitting the ren fair because life was too short to die on my way to ren fair, and I told her that I loved her, probably out of fear or the adrenaline of thinking about death...

As I went to my director to tell him I was going to quit he offered me a higher paying position to work with children, two things I love, children and money.

So I forgot about quitting and I continued for several weeks to work at the ren Faire. When the rehearsals were over and the Faire started I met a stage manager named... we'll call her Carrie. I was really happy to talk to her and she was one of the few friends I had there.

Because it was the ren Faire and we were all sleeping in tents we never looked our best, so I never saw Carrie as anything more than a friend. One night while we were drinking by the fire (what else is there to do at a ren Faire off hours?) she was showing me pictures on her insta, she swiped past a stunning mirror picture of her in a sexy black dress that framed her slender figure, without giving it any thought I just let out "Dayumn!" I was so embarrassed, but I realized she was absolutely gorgeous, and I could never unsee it. Then she showed me pictures of her military boy friend who was stationed over seas.

Because I wasn't an rear end in a top hat at that time... I still saw Carrie as just a friend. The last night of ren Faire, four of us went to a diner, we got soup and coffee and hot cocoa because it was really cold that night. Carrie excused herself to the bathroom. A few minutes later another friend at the table pointed out to me that I kept looking at the bathroom, and they all reckoned I had a crush on Carrie. I fought them on it, when Carrie got back we started talking about how we would all miss each other. Everyone always says stuff like this at the end of an acting gig. I've always distanced myself from it. Everyone at the table cried into their coffees... but my hot cocoa stayed dry. That is, I didn't cry into it. We all got in our cars and went our seperte ways. I reflected on my time at the Faire on my two hour drive...and my brain just kept going back to Carrie. Every time I saw Carrie walking up the hill to my area. The times before faire would start and we would blast music and sing from the tops of our lungs. All the awkward early morning, hung over waiting in line together to go to the communal showers, and the late night drinking... the thought finally hit... "I'm never going to see her again". A single tear rolled down my cheek...more started rolling down my face... I pulled over. "I love Carrie." I sat in my car thinking about it. Carrie is the only person who made me not feel alone.

This revelation got me to call things off with Willow. Not that I was expecting to peruse a girl that lived two hours away from me, but just knowing there is someone out there that I have so much in common with gave me the hope that I could find someone else.

Carrie and I kept in touch, that was common post acting gigs, and usually things would fizzle down. So October came and Carrie was working at a haunted house. She invited me to go, I said sure, then last minute I told her something came up. It was the first of what I thought would be a series of broken promises until we stopped talking to each other (that's normal as well... for me anyway).

So December came. I was taking improv classes in the city an hour and a half from me (only 30 minutes from Carrie) and I invited her to my class showcase, I figured she wouldn't come. The show started and she wasn't in the audience. No one came to see me. Then right before the second part of the show stared (the part I was in) I saw Carrie and her friend (Call her Abby) walk in and sit off to the side. I was so touched that she made it. After the show I gave her a huge hug, and we went around the city, we got burgers, went to the big Christmas tree in the middle of the city, and it began to snow. I got a beautiful picture of Carrie right in front of the tree... she still has it as her profile picture all these months later. It was a magical night.

February comes along. And she invites me to her birthday party in her basement. That night in December was so magical... I was willing to do anything to catch that feeling again... so I dragged my best friend along, call him Mario, two hours for a simple little basement party... I caught it again. Carrie barely talked to any of her other friends. It felt just like me and her... at one point she brought up how she keeps going out with assholes... and that she needed a sweet guy, because her bf was being an rear end in a top hat. I didn't want to be that guy, you know? Talking about the guy who's over seas... serving our county... it didn't feel right... so I called it a night before anything else could happen.On the drive home I told Mario how much I enjoyed myself, and he told me how he really "vibed" with Abby, Carrie's friend. It was a good night for the both of us.

I just needed to tell her how much she meant to me. So while I was at a bar a few nights later... exactly at midnight, the beginning of Valentine's Day... I send her this text,

"I wanted to tell you this at your birthday party the other night, but the right time never came up, and I'm no good at being serious, but... I've always been sort of a loner, But getting to know you has made my life feel a lot less lonely. Knowing you gives me hope that I don't have to be alone for the rest of my life. If it takes me another twenty-three years to find someone half as special as you I'll die happy. Thanks for being my friend! And you should never forget how awesome you are!"

I sent that text without knowing she had broken up with her boyfriend twenty minutes before. She was gracious... and it was a win for me. March came around! Carrie and Abby invited me and Mario to the city for a few drinks on St. Patrick's day. It was a no brainer. We got to the bar a few hours before the girls. So we walked around in the snow for a bit. We went in the bar right before happy hour ended, and we drank. Waiting and waiting. I sent a text telling them to hurry up so I could buy them a round... I kept drinking. They finally said they were almost there. I ordered a round of Jamison... they finally arrive and Carrie didn't want to drink. I was already so far gone, probably the drunkest I've been since the time I blacked out and woke up in the hospital... Abby said Carrie was freaking out, that she hadn't eaten, and she wasn't going to drink. Carrie said she needed some air, so I ask if I could go with her. We got outside and Carrie was looking around really hard, trying to find someone. And suddenly she got visibly upset... even visible for me, an almost black out drunk guy... "He's making out with another girl, oh my god! Don't look! I hate everything, I hate life."

She rushes inside, and I'm trying to process what the gently caress is going on. She's crying on Abby's shoulder. I go up to Mario, and I tell him "I think she's here for another guy. I was her back up plan." And for the second time... I cried over Carrie...

Carrie was inconsolable the whole night. Complaining about this guy, she was denying herself any pleasure of having fun. I couldn't leave either I still had to sober up before I could make it back to my train, let alone drive. And I was being a good bro, being wingman to Mario... listening to Carrie- leaving Abby open for Mario to put the moves on. It became miserable... but toward the end of the night I snapped, I wasn't going to deny myself any pleasure. The band was playing... everyone was dancing... I started jumping, my heart was racing.... I just started smashing the ground. I saw the guy Carrie was crying over and I smashed into him, I smashed into Mario... and at this tiny little Ren Faire themed bar I started a mosh pit on St Patrick's day.

The four of us left. We went for a walk... Mario and Abby lead, and I just listened to Carrie. I was cracking jokes, trying to make her smile... but nothing. Misery. Mario and Abby walked into a convenient store, Carrie and I stayed outside and talked... I got fed up, and still drunk I asked, "you do know I really love you, right?"

Her face turned red, and she timidly said, "yeah".

I told her I just didn't understand why I was invited at all. The others came back and we started our way to the train station, but Carrie and Abby didn't understand the subway system... so I had to figure out for them how to make it back to Carrie's grandmother's apartment. They were still concerned... so Mario and I Had to take them back to Grandma's... 30 minutes out of the way. Carrie tried to "pay me for my troubles". But I couldn't take it.

Mario and I finally get back to the train station... we were ten minutes late... and the next train wasn't for another four hours. It was a defeat for me... but Mario got a kiss...

May (this month! We're almost there, thanks for reading this far!) I get a text from Carrie, asking if I was going to be at the ren Faire auditions. I wasn't because I already had my role secured from the previous season. I told her I wasn't, but my Improv class is in the same building, so maybe we could meet up after. She said yeah.

But I forgot I didn't have class that day, we were off for Mother's Day. But I was going into the city anyway to see some improv shows... and the past month was tough... I took Willow to the improv show. We forgave and forgot anything that happened in the past. And I really tried to move past Carrie.

The thing about dating a girl with emotion recognition problems is that you have to learn to live with it. I had to continually remind myself that she loved me even tho It was hard for me to see it. Another issue with Willow was she didn't give herself enough love. She constantly joked about suicide, she's been in and out of special hospitals, she's on pills. It is difficult.

So while out with Willow in the city, I got a text from Carrie asking if I wanted to meet up. I told her I forgot, my class was cancelled... despite being on the same block as her. I didn't tell a lie... but it also wasn't the full truth... just another broken promise.

This week, my birthday! Last minute I decide to throw a party, my birthday/ Memorial Day, and I decided to invite anyone that ever meant anything to me. All my friends, and all my family. That included Willow and Carrie. I didn't expect Carrie would come. I'm probably the only person stupid enough to drive two hours just for a birthday party...

Both girls RSVPd yes. But I didn't think Carrie was actually going to do it. I figured it would be another broken promise. The day comes, all my friends, and family show up. Willow is one of the first guests (as she lives a few blocks over). Two hours into the party I look at my phone. It's from Carrie "We're here".

I go out front, Carrie and Abby come out of the car, Mario is running to catch up behind me... and Carrie is wearing this breathtaking thin white dress. Her back was exposed... and when she came in for a hug she felt as delicate as a small bird.

The magic came back... but it was different, because before she had always been far away... but now she was here. Present at my residence.

I grabbed her by the hand and pulled her to introduce her to everyone. I was so happy. We began to drink. I tried to be a good host and talk to everyone but in between visits to grandparents, co workers, and old high school friends, every stop I'd go to Carrie. I'd spend 10 minutes with Carrie and 5 with anyone else. Until I just didn't talk to anyone else. We were a couple drinks in...

Willow tugs me by the sleeve. I totally forgot her father was an alcoholic. She says she was going to leave... it was pretty early... and I said "Awe, well thanks for coming!"

Willow, "I love you."

Me, "Ok, bye."

I'm an rear end in a top hat...ok? But no one in my podunk town ever understood me. There was a huge disconnect between Willow and I. But Carrie... understands me. She's made mistakes too, but when we're around each other at our best, the chemistry is amazing.

I had the best night of my life with Carrie. It ended with us talking about our feeling, and sharing a kiss on the beach.

It wasn't until the next morning that I found Willow's present to me in the garbage. It was a drone, I heavily hinted that I wanted a Splatoon pillow.

# ? Jul 19, 2019 20:48

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > /r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

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