/r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > /r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

i vomit kittens: Apr 25, 2019

the fact that he hasn't drank in almost a decade and is clearly pretty wasted makes me wonder if he was at one point a recovering alcoholic

# ? Aug 4, 2019 19:59

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Jun 12, 2024 03:07

Pinecone Sample: Oct 12, 2010; THIS ACCOUNT HAS BEEN SEIZED
by the United States Federal Bureau of Investigation in accordance with a seizure warrant issued pursuant to 69 U.S.C Sec. 420

FilthyImp posted:

A teenager definitely can't gauge how many beers will get them sloshed but a grown-rear end man should be able to figure out what a good buzz maintenance pace should be.

Okay I guess you can estimate your tolerance after 8 years is approximately "zero"

# ? Aug 4, 2019 20:03

Stevie Lee: Oct 8, 2007

the FBI is loving incompetent

# ? Aug 4, 2019 20:04

Dewgy: Nov 10, 2005; ~🚚special delivery~📦

i vomit kittens posted:

the fact that he hasn't drank in almost a decade and is clearly pretty wasted makes me wonder if he was at one point a recovering alcoholic

Speaking of, did the recovering alcoholic who went on a date, got really drunk, [SCENE MISSING], and ended up with the poo poo beaten out of him by her ex ever fill in the blanks?

He�s right up there with jerkin� in the UK for stories where they glossed over something fairly, uh, important.

# ? Aug 4, 2019 20:06

FilthyImp: Sep 30, 2002; Anime Deviant

i vomit kittens posted:

the fact that he hasn't drank in almost a decade and is clearly pretty wasted makes me wonder if he was at one point a recovering alcoholic

Pinecone Sample posted:

Okay I guess you can estimate your tolerance after 8 years is approximately "zero"

Both good points.
Just imagining the wife clarifying "Drink With Him" meant he needed to supervise and not actually relapse

# ? Aug 4, 2019 20:08

Mr. Lobe: Feb 23, 2007; ... Dry bones...

Stevie Lee posted:

the FBI is loving incompetent

frankly I'm surprised they're even bothering to investigate it, seeing as how it's a white supremacy case

# ? Aug 4, 2019 20:17

Voting Floater: May 19, 2019

It seems like it could be a basic misunderstanding. His wife thought they were going to have a couple of beers and watch the game to teach their son how to drink in moderation, whereas OP has done the whole bonding thing and maybe figured he'd teach his son what a hangover feels like. All they really need to do is straighten it out the next day. Look forward to the update where he's been kicked out and she's starting divorce proceedings.

Alternatively, his wife's just disappointed that she married such a lightweight that he managed to get drunk under the table by his own son.

# ? Aug 4, 2019 20:20

Pinecone Sample: Oct 12, 2010; THIS ACCOUNT HAS BEEN SEIZED
by the United States Federal Bureau of Investigation in accordance with a seizure warrant issued pursuant to 69 U.S.C Sec. 420

AITA for masturbating in a shared motel room on vacation?

quote:

This is not a shitpost, unfortunately I'm 100% serious. I'm asking because my family reacted with anger lol.

So I'm on a short trip with my family. My girlfriend is out of town until next week and to say the least, I've been missing her a lot. Her company, her love, umm other stuff too. I'm a person with needs. I'm sharing a room with my two younger siblings, I'm the oldest. Our parents are across the hall.

Tonight I had the room to myself for a while because my siblings were watching a movie in the other room with our mom. So I took the opportunity for some quality alone time. I was looking at porn on my computer and having a grand ol time.

My brother knocked on the door a little while later and I had the classic panic and mild agitation moment when interrupted during a private self service session. Im having issues getting there just from stupid internet videos so that sucks. I pull my shorts up, go to the door and ask him if he can come back in like 5 mins. He's 17, he should understand what's up.

But the kid gets all mad at me and is saying how they want to come back NOW and get ready for bed. I said please just give me 5 mins and do NOT come in. He tried to push past me and honestly we're laughing, he's laughing at my panic, I didn't want him or my sister to see the porn video open on my computer right there. So I got past him and shut the door, we go to our mom's room.

She's tipsy and starts getting pissed at me. "What the gently caress are you doing in there?? You've had an HOUR for alone time!! Let them get ready for bed." Mom, pls, just 5 minutes. Then she starts accusing me of having a girl in the room, thinking that I'm having sex rn or something. And I'm like no no no I just need privacy. "FOR WHAT?!!!"

I'm thinking how can they be this dumb. I'm a guy. What do you expect.

Then I finally say look mom I need 5 minutes because I'm trying to (whisper) jerk off. She then gets mad again, shockingly, and says that I can wait until we go back home and why the hell did I have to do this in a motel on vacation. Por qu�?? Why is it so weird???

Anyways she called me a weirdo and said to just go to bed. So now I'm here, no more masturbating, just here on reddit with my sibs and a lil sexually frustrated. My brother made jokes about how it's gross of me to do that here bc we're sharing a bed (unfortunately). AITA?

# ? Aug 4, 2019 20:24

Motronic: Nov 6, 2009

Voting Floater posted:

Alternatively, his wife's just disappointed that she married such a lightweight that he managed to get drunk under the table by his own son.

If they're going shot for shot this is an expected outcome for a kid who's been drinking at parties vs. some dude who hasn't for 8 years. The father is a dumb rear end if he legit didn't think of this as being an issue.

# ? Aug 4, 2019 20:28

Rubellavator: Aug 16, 2007

the wife must have been thinking about divorce for a while or otherwise be someone who threatens divorce constantly, cause that's a bullshit reason

# ? Aug 4, 2019 20:33

Pinecone Sample: Oct 12, 2010; THIS ACCOUNT HAS BEEN SEIZED
by the United States Federal Bureau of Investigation in accordance with a seizure warrant issued pursuant to 69 U.S.C Sec. 420

AITA for telling my cousin's friends that I watch a lot of porn as they shared their sex stories?

quote:

So I (21M) went to a small get together that my cousin (29F) had with her friends from high school (four girls, all aged 29F).

They were drinking and openly talking about all the ''slutty'' (their words not mine) things they've done. All the sex stories, guys they hosed, things they did, etc.

They then turned to me and asked me whether I've done any sexual things at Uni. I just told them the truth:

''I'm a virgin. The only sexual stuff I've done is related to porn. I masturbate 3-4x every day. Even after I go to nightclubs, I come home and watch porn. I think that's fine with me tbh''.

They looked at me shocked and asked why I haven't had any ''real sex'' with anyone, and I said ''Well I've tried and got rejected. But tbh, I prefer porn over real sex''. They just looked at me bemused.

My cousin pulled me aside after and said that I'm an rear end in a top hat for embarrassing her and ''playing a prank''. I told her it wasn't a prank, thats literally the extent of my sexual life and only way I could chime in to the discussion. AITA?

# ? Aug 4, 2019 20:34

HIJK: Nov 25, 2012; in the room where you sleep

i vomit kittens posted:

A couple years ago I was in a Counter Strike match with someone who kept calling everyone in the game various racial slurs via voice/text. His username was his Twitch URL so I go to it and sure enough he's there streaming with a webcam and has his full name and military occupation in his About Me. I saved the VOD of the match but never actually went through with sending it anywhere that might get him in trouble.

AITA for drinking and getting drunk with my 18 year old son ?

People with bigoted ideas really can�t stop themselves from advertising their real identities, huh. �haha hell yeah i love associating my real name with being a homophobic racist piece of poo poo that just owns! *gets fired 2 weeks later bc their employer doesn�t want to be associated with that poo poo* BUT WHAT ABOUT FREEDOM OF SPEECH�

# ? Aug 4, 2019 20:39

Dr Strangepants: Nov 26, 2003; Mein F�hrer! I can dance!

Pinecone Sample posted:

AITA for telling my cousin's friends that I watch a lot of porn as they shared their sex stories?

Lol at this turbo-nerd but also lol at the group of girls who can't believe someone isn't promiscuous in college. Seriously though he needs to use re-purpose that masturbation time to practice talking with girls, 3-4x time a day is such a time sink.

# ? Aug 4, 2019 20:42

blugu64: Jul 17, 2006; Do you realize that fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous communist plot we have ever had to face?

Pinecone Sample posted:

AITA for masturbating in a shared motel room on vacation?

I can�t believe you did that Pinecone Sample.

# ? Aug 4, 2019 20:50

Scathach: Apr 4, 2011; You know that thing where you sleep on your arm funny and when you wake up it's all numb? Yeah that's my whole world right now.

blugu64 posted:

I can’t believe you did that Pinecone Sample.

Hahaha

# ? Aug 4, 2019 20:51

Motronic: Nov 6, 2009

blugu64 posted:

I can�t believe you did that Pinecone Sample.

# ? Aug 4, 2019 20:56

QuarkJets: Sep 8, 2008

LORD OF BOOTY posted:

nice meltdown

This post makes it seem like you're too stupid to comprehend what the other poster is saying, was that your goal?

# ? Aug 4, 2019 21:11

DemoneeHo: Nov 9, 2017; Come on hee-ho, just give us 300 more macca

blugu64 posted:

I can�t believe you did that Pinecone Sample.

# ? Aug 4, 2019 21:22

DemoneeHo: Nov 9, 2017; Come on hee-ho, just give us 300 more macca

My [23M] Girlfriend [22F] Pulled A Creepy 180 on Me

quote:

Throwaway because she uses reddit and knows my handle

We are a long distance couple, both students who can't afford to visit each other. We met online and have been dating for 8 months now, we planned briefly to live a life together and get married, have kids, etc. Well things were going great until last week she bought herself an engagement ring... and is posting it on social media as if I had given it to her. That creeped me the hell out. We haven't even talked about it, she brushed it off as if it was nothing but I find myself almost constantly being uncomfortable around her, often sending her the same messages as before (ie I love you) except with no meaning behind it. And if that wasn't creepy enough she started messaging me when I'm asleep so I wake up to her call to a bunch of missed calls and messages, it wasn't like this when we were first together, It's just creeping me out and making me very uncomfortable. I'm going to talk to her about it tomorrow, any advice? Is the relationship salvageable? Am I in the wrong for saying I was interested in marrage but being scared once she albeit forceably brings the idea to me? I've never loved anyone as much as I've loved her...

# ? Aug 4, 2019 21:29

WeedlordGoku69: Feb 12, 2015; by Cyrano4747

QuarkJets posted:

This post makes it seem like you're too stupid to comprehend what the other poster is saying, was that your goal?

nice meltdown lmao

# ? Aug 4, 2019 21:51

DemoneeHo: Nov 9, 2017; Come on hee-ho, just give us 300 more macca

AITA for asking my boyfriend to stop wrestling with the dog because it was weird?

quote:

We've been together for a year now and we're both 25. He has a big black lab, weighs around 80lbs that I swear he loves more than me. The dog never leaves his side, is always looking at him, and acts like an 80 pound lapdog towards him. Most nights before bed he'll get down on all fours and wrestle with her for ~10 minutes. They then go get a snack together.

I've always thought the wrestling was weird but never said anything. Tonight he was doing it again. He doesn't use his hands or arms. Literally on all fours, they touch faces and push each other back and forth. Literally like two sumo wrestlers trying to push each other around with their body. I got annoyed tonight and told him to stop acting so loving weird and get up off the floor. He asked me to leave and now I'm typing this from my apartment. Am I the rear end in a top hat here?

# ? Aug 4, 2019 23:19

DemoneeHo: Nov 9, 2017; Come on hee-ho, just give us 300 more macca

AITA for telling a friend�s friend that he couldn�t keep the �jackpot� that he hit on my antique slot machine? (About $700)

quote:

I had a party at my house last night. I have an antique slot machine from the 1940s that is in absolutely spotless and working condition in my living room. My step grandma was a show girl she she got it while dating a count room guy prior to meeting my grandpa.

Over the years people have played it and maybe won a few quarters here and there. Maybe a max of $50 at a time. As far as I know the jackpot was never hit on it so however it works there was probably about $700 in the jackpot reserve that had built up over the years. I�d never bothered to have it cleaned out since it just seemed like a fun novelty.

Well a friend�s friend hit the jackpot last night. I was loving floored when he legit thought he could keep my ~$700. His case was hed been playing with his own money and I would have kept his quarters. My argument was I�d be happy to give him his quarters back if he�d asked but I�m not a casino and while I�m not destitute, I can�t afford to give someone $700. Argument caused the party to wind down and one of my best guy friends basically told the guy he�d be in real poo poo if he tried to leave with the money but the guy left threatening to come back with the cops and sue me in small claims court. I have no idea if that was realistic but no cops came back.

So was I the rear end in a top hat for nor letting him keep the money?

Edit: sorry guys I can't answer such witticisms as "why are you so shity?" because I've been banned.

# ? Aug 4, 2019 23:19

DemoneeHo: Nov 9, 2017; Come on hee-ho, just give us 300 more macca

AITA for commenting on how easily offended the people in my group are?

quote:

I 24M was out camping with my parents and their long time friends for a couple days. The group consisted of 7 people in the age range of 50-65. I'm was the only younger person there.

In between all the fun times we had, the older folks kept randomly bringing up the topic of younger people. Things like, millennials don't know the value of money and only keep their clothes for an average of three months, young people can't handle different opinions, young people are so focused on individuality, the young'uns are so easily offended, and other smaller topics. And when I say randomly, I mean that we would all just be sitting there and someone would bring up these topics.

So in my view, I felt that it was very ride for them to disparage my age group so often and without cause. In their talks about younger people I would keep silent and they would say something about me being one of the "good ones". Even so, they were still being unfairly judgemental I thought.

So here is where I might be TA. Everytime the group would complain about some guy's long hair or someone's tattoos I would call them out on being so easily offended and how they can't handle different opinions or viewpoints. Long story short the group got angry with me and I've been kind of staying away from the group doing my own thing. I do feel kind of bad because I've known these people all my life and shared a lot of good times and formative moments which ive always cherished. So. AITA?

# ? Aug 4, 2019 23:20

goethe.cx: Apr 23, 2014

DemoneeHo posted:

AITA for asking my boyfriend to stop wrestling with the dog because it was weird?

This girl sucks

# ? Aug 4, 2019 23:23

FilthyImp: Sep 30, 2002; Anime Deviant

DemoneeHo posted:

AITA for telling a friend’s friend that he couldn’t keep the “jackpot” that he hit on my antique slot machine? (About $700)

Incredible rear end in a top hat, especially since he said he never bothered to clean it out and collect whatever money was in there.
Though I was hoping the finale was the guest would break the machine on the way out.

DemoneeHo posted:

AITA for commenting on how easily offended the people in my group are?

NTA. Should have instead brought up how easy the older generation had it or something like that as well.

# ? Aug 4, 2019 23:23

QuarkJets: Sep 8, 2008

DemoneeHo posted:

AITA for commenting on how easily offended the people in my group are?

50 years ago those people would be talking about minorities with the same language, now that publicly being a racist is frowned upon in most circles all that's left is poo poo-talking young people

QuarkJets fucked around with this message at 23:46 on Aug 4, 2019

# ? Aug 4, 2019 23:28

Sagebrush: Feb 26, 2012

DemoneeHo posted:

AITA for telling a friend�s friend that he couldn�t keep the �jackpot� that he hit on my antique slot machine? (About $700)

but don't you see i will be destitute without the unknown quantity of money that has accrued over decades in a box i never open

# ? Aug 4, 2019 23:33

AARD VARKMAN: May 17, 1993

DemoneeHo posted:

AITA for telling a friend’s friend that he couldn’t keep the “jackpot” that he hit on my antique slot machine? (About $700)

rear end in a top hat, since it sounds like he's been letting all sorts of people feed the thing for years. He could have kept a jar of quarters by it and it'd just be a fun thing. Actually letting people win/lose money at your home slot machine is loving stupid unless you're 100% willing to let the winnings go.

# ? Aug 4, 2019 23:40

Pinecone Sample: Oct 12, 2010; THIS ACCOUNT HAS BEEN SEIZED
by the United States Federal Bureau of Investigation in accordance with a seizure warrant issued pursuant to 69 U.S.C Sec. 420

blugu64 posted:

I can�t believe you did that Pinecone Sample.

now we know who contacted the authorities

# ? Aug 4, 2019 23:41

i vomit kittens: Apr 25, 2019

want to see slot machine guy v. dad who tried to keep the winnings from the lottery ticket he bought for his daughter

# ? Aug 5, 2019 00:00

Yawgmoth: Sep 10, 2003; This post is cursed!

DemoneeHo posted:

AITA for asking my boyfriend to stop wrestling with the dog because it was weird?

It always amazes me when someone gets mad about a person playing with their pet and/or showing it any sort of affection. That's what they're for! If you don't play with your dog, you're the weird one!

# ? Aug 5, 2019 00:06

Pinecone Sample: Oct 12, 2010; THIS ACCOUNT HAS BEEN SEIZED
by the United States Federal Bureau of Investigation in accordance with a seizure warrant issued pursuant to 69 U.S.C Sec. 420

The following is content copied from reddit.com, an internet message board. I have had no public or private contact with the user on somethingawful.com nor reddit.com, nor anywhere else to the best of my knowledge. I am not the author of the message that follows below. I have no way to assess the truthfulness of this story and can provide no further information than the text that was posted.

TIFU by trying to stop a mass shooting

quote:

Throwaway for obvious reasons. I'm writing this after squeezing in a couple hours of sleep this morning after the scariest night of my life. For some background: I have been married to my wife now for 6 years. Recently this year, our relationship has started to deteriorate, but we were still trying to make it work. A few months ago I suggested having an open relationship to try and revamp our marriage and get more excitement in our lives. We've had threesomes in the past with both men and women and felt pretty good about controlling any jealousy that might arise, so we decided to give it a shot-while being open and honest about who else we were seeing. Well, the first person I had the opportunity to sleep with was one of her closest friends. After bringing it up with her, she got (understandably) very upset with both myself and her friend for even entertaining the idea. She called off any chance of an open relationship and cut off contact with her friend while telling me to do the same. I didn't exactly take her advice and have been seeing our mutual friend for a couple months now on a regular basis without my wife's knowledge.

Flash forward to last night, I did my usual weekend routine of telling my wife I had to be out of town for a day to work, then went out for drinks with my wife's ex-friend before going over to her place. Unfortunately the night didn't go as we had planned. While having a smoke outside our favorite downtown Dayton video-arcade/bar I hear some firecrackers going off behind me. When I turn around, I see a guy dressed in black with a mask and a rifle shooting into the street, people falling down everywhere. I immediately start running towards him while his back is turned, but before I'm able to tackle him, a police officer grabs me and pushes me into the bar telling me to get down. It was most definitely a stupid idea, but I have a history in the army, and my training, along with adrenaline, and quite a few PBRs all kicked in at once and I knew I had to try and stop him.

I was able to leave the bar after half an hour through the back and immediately headed to wife's ex-friend's apartment. I get a call from the wife shortly after arriving telling me about what happened in Dayton and I do the best I can to pretend I was as surprised as she was when she heard the news. I went home a couple hours later to account for my alleged work distance, and stayed up most of the night from sheer shock and adrenaline next to my sleeping wife. After a couple hours of shuteye this morning, I woke up to my wife watching our local news station in bed. I sat up with her and we watched the shooting coverage for about an hour before the reporter showed security footage of the shooting. As soon as it came on the screen I knew i was in trouble.

The footage was shot from the bar I had been at, showing me standing right next to the mistress and hugging her while puffing on a cigarette. While my wife immediately recognized her friend, she didn't recognize me, but DID point out that he had a very similar haircut to mine. Immediately after this clip, they showed another clip of the shooter actually firing at pedestrians and getting shot at by police. From this new angle you see many terrified faces running away from the scene while one drunken face runs toward it; MY drunken unmistakable face and buzz cut running toward the shooter. My wife DID recognize me this time and was unfortunately more angry at me cheating on her than in awe at my attempted heroism. She packed up a suitcase and left about 20 minutes ago.

TL;DR: I tried to stop the Dayton shooter while cheating on my wife, and my wife saw me on the news where I wasn't supposed to be. Probably getting a divorce soon.

# ? Aug 5, 2019 00:07

Farmer Crack-Ass: Jan 2, 2001; this is me posting irl

TheAardvark posted:

rear end in a top hat, since it sounds like he's been letting all sorts of people feed the thing for years. He could have kept a jar of quarters by it and it'd just be a fun thing. Actually letting people win/lose money at your home slot machine is loving stupid unless you're 100% willing to let the winnings go.

yeah, why in hell would he leave seven hundred dollars in the slot machine anyway? he "can't afford" to let it go but he could afford to let it sit in the machine?

# ? Aug 5, 2019 00:11

Veni Vidi Ameche!: Nov 2, 2017; by Fluffdaddy

DemoneeHo posted:

AITA for telling a friend�s friend that he couldn�t keep the �jackpot� that he hit on my antique slot machine? (About $700)

Behold, the first good AITA post. What a shithead. "I'll give you your quarters back," lol.

# ? Aug 5, 2019 00:11

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

DemoneeHo posted:

AITA for telling a friend’s friend that he couldn’t keep the “jackpot” that he hit on my antique slot machine? (About $700)
As far as I know the jackpot was never hit on it so however it works there was probably about $700 in the jackpot reserve that had built up over the years. I�d never bothered to have it cleaned out since it just seemed like a fun novelty.
(...)
His case was hed been playing with his own money and I would have kept his quarters. My argument was I�d be happy to give him his quarters back if he�d asked but I�m not a casino and while I�m not destitute, I can�t afford to give someone $700.

I like that he's claims to be too poor to give away $700...and yet he was never sufficiently interested in the money to bother collecting it.

# ? Aug 5, 2019 00:11

goethe.cx: Apr 23, 2014

Pinecone Sample posted:

The following is content copied from reddit.com, an internet message board. I have had no public or private contact with the user on somethingawful.com nor reddit.com, nor anywhere else to the best of my knowledge. I am not the author of the message that follows below. I have no way to assess the truthfulness of this story and can provide no further information than the text that was posted.

TIFU by trying to stop a mass shooting

# ? Aug 5, 2019 00:12

Rubellavator: Aug 16, 2007

DemoneeHo posted:

AITA for asking my boyfriend to stop wrestling with the dog because it was weird?

he loves the dog more than you, also the dog loves him more than you do.

# ? Aug 5, 2019 00:14

upgunned shitpost: Jan 21, 2015

Dr Strangepants posted:

Lol at this turbo-nerd but also lol at the group of girls who can't believe someone isn't promiscuous in college. Seriously though he needs to use re-purpose that masturbation time to practice talking with girls, 3-4x time a day is such a time sink.

dude was three or four cool sentences away from a reverse gangbang.

now into the sock it goes, like so many tears in the rain.

# ? Aug 5, 2019 00:22

kru: Oct 5, 2003

Pinecone Sample posted:

The following is content copied from reddit.com, an internet message board. I have had no public or private contact with the user on somethingawful.com nor reddit.com, nor anywhere else to the best of my knowledge. I am not the author of the message that follows below. I have no way to assess the truthfulness of this story and can provide no further information than the text that was posted.

TIFU by trying to stop a mass shooting

Nice try, pal!!! :mad:

# ? Aug 5, 2019 00:31

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Jun 12, 2024 03:07

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

DemoneeHo posted:

AITA for telling a friend’s friend that he couldn’t keep the “jackpot” that he hit on my antique slot machine? (About $700)

You keep that $700 and I'm calling the state gaming board, buster. Your move.

# ? Aug 5, 2019 00:32

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > /r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

«‹›6020 »