/r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > /r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

MarcusSA: Sep 23, 2007

LadyPictureShow posted:

I (25M) broke up with my girlfriend (25F) over looks, did I make a mistake?

E: He previously broke up with her over her looks

Well at least she�s free from this poo poo head.

# ? Aug 21, 2019 05:53

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# ? May 29, 2024 02:16

ParserGirl: Jun 3, 2005

If she has that many wrinkles at 25 then she's either a chronic tanning booth user, a long term smoker, or premature wrinkles run in her family. Those are the three main causes and only one is out of her control.

# ? Aug 21, 2019 05:56

Telemaze: Apr 22, 2008; What you expected hasn't happened.; Fun Shoe

Admiral Ray posted:

Oh, and her joining a support group for people that have lost actual children when she lost a clump of cells is hosed up.

I assure you that when it happens, you generally aren't thinking you lost "a clump of cells" even if it still technically is. Miscarriages are traumatic physically and mentally so maybe don't be an rear end in a top hat to someone who's clearly grieving so badly that she needs therapy.

Healthily mourning miscarriages is harder than it needs to be because society is shittily dismissive. People will say awful dismisive things about stillbirths too, in comparison to losing a child who lived outside of the womb. I obviously don't think it's healthy for this woman to be celebrating her dead child's due date. But she might have an easier time if society legitimized this kind of grief instead of downplaying it or pretending it doesn't happen.

# ? Aug 21, 2019 05:57

Smirking_Serpent: Aug 27, 2009

WIBTA for refusing to be interviewed as part of my wife's job application?

Prologue: I love my wife. And she's impressive as hell. She's led discussions between Israelis and Palestinians. She's raised $25,000 for well-digging projects in Africa. She's the best person I've ever met, and she refuses to admit that about herself. I'm utterly amazed by everything she does... but we do differ in religion. She's of the Christian faith, and I'm an agnostic/atheist. This very seldom is an issue between the two of us, and we both see the merits of each others' stances. She's going to join the ministry, and I see all of the amazing works that she does there. At the same time, she and I are both on the same page that I'm not interested in joining or associating with a church. She's completely accepting of that, and she's asked very little of me in that regard.

The story: My wife is wrapping up her Master in Divinity, and she's beginning the job interview process to become a church pastor. I couldn't be more proud of her. She's got an interview at what seems like a perfect church. They're welcoming and accepting of everyone, they don't judge anyone for their lifestyle choices, they're looking more and more towards women for leadership, and so on and so forth. It's a perfect match for her. Her interview went great, and she's moving on to the next round of interviews.

The church emails her telling her that the next round involves an interview with her spouse. They want to ask me questions about how I affect her faith and how I support her ministry. She and I were both very taken aback at the request. I'm definitely not the type of spouse they're expecting.

So there's an email from this church sitting in my inbox awaiting my reply for this interview. She was very gracious about it, and even went as far as to offer to withdraw from candidacy, but I'm not ready for her to make that sacrifice on my account. We're two different people with two different beliefs, and I'm livid that they expect my wife to stand in scrutiny over my beliefs and how they differ from her own.

The way I see it, there are 3 options:

1: Lie about my beliefs and my willingness to attend church in the interest of advancing her forward.

2: Tell them the truth about my faith and put her advancement in jeopardy.

3: Refuse the interview out of principal and see if that causes her to be removed from consideration.

My wife has said that this choice is my own, and she'll love me no matter what I choose to do. She's going to do amazing things in this world, and I couldn't live with being the reason that she isn't able to do them. A brief lie on my part could bring about a fulfilling career for the woman I love. At the same time, if I lie then I may be setting her up for an even greater fall later on. At this point I can't tell if I'm lying to myself about my motivations for potentially refusing the interview. Maybe I'm just a selfish rear end who needs to get over his beliefs for the sake of this amazing woman. So WIBTA for refusing this interview altogether?

# ? Aug 21, 2019 06:01

Butter Activities: May 4, 2018

bell jar posted:

Mods gave me a week probation. AITA?

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

I was really hoping the probe reason would be �NTA� or something. Missed opportunity

# ? Aug 21, 2019 06:07

MarcusSA: Sep 23, 2007

ParserGirl posted:

If she has that many wrinkles at 25 then she's either a chronic tanning booth user, a long term smoker, or premature wrinkles run in her family. Those are the three main causes and only one is out of her control.

Or her BF is a loving rear end in a top hat and she actually doesn�t have wrinkles like he�s described.

# ? Aug 21, 2019 06:11

Bruceski: Aug 21, 2007; The tools of a hero mean nothing without a solid core.

Smirking_Serpent posted:

WIBTA for refusing to be interviewed as part of my wife's job application?

This is one interview and from the sound of it the wife will be awesome wherever she lands. I'd say go and be honest about himself, don't jump to conclusions about how they'll react. Interviews are a two-way street and how they react will tell her about them too. They're trying to figure out how a potential community leader fits in the community and that's part of the fit. Doesn't mean he needs to be preaching alongside her. Or at least it shouldn't, if it does to them it's better to get that warning now.

I think when my mother's congregation just interviewed for a new rabbi they considered the spouse as well, I'll email her to check.

# ? Aug 21, 2019 06:15

Zzulu: May 15, 2009; (â°ËvËâ°)

Freckles are awesome though?

# ? Aug 21, 2019 06:17

Butter Activities: May 4, 2018

Hi Reddit I wanted to trade up my girlfriend for a hotter piece of rear end but realized I�m a total loving emotionally abuse loser who gets no play, did I make a mistake?

# ? Aug 21, 2019 06:21

Ghost Leviathan: Mar 2, 2017; Exploration is ill-advised.

Telemaze posted:

I assure you that when it happens, you generally aren't thinking you lost "a clump of cells" even if it still technically is. Miscarriages are traumatic physically and mentally so maybe don't be an rear end in a top hat to someone who's clearly grieving so badly that she needs therapy.

Healthily mourning miscarriages is harder than it needs to be because society is shittily dismissive. People will say awful dismisive things about stillbirths too, in comparison to losing a child who lived outside of the womb. I obviously don't think it's healthy for this woman to be celebrating her dead child's due date. But she might have an easier time if society legitimized this kind of grief instead of downplaying it or pretending it doesn't happen.

They're often harder on the woman than on the man.

# ? Aug 21, 2019 06:21

Barudak: May 7, 2007

Its the telltale heart but with nasolabial folds

# ? Aug 21, 2019 06:35

welcome to hell: Jun 9, 2006

AITA because I ignored my fiance's mother and told him what I thought was the truth?

quote:

So, a few weeks back, my fiance went out of town. His mother has my cell number. At like midnight, I get a text saying "I'm going to tell you something, but you can't tell Jake (fake name)." I replied with "OK" because, honestly, how are you supposed to reply to that? I got back "I'm in the hospital. They think I had a heart attack." And I. Freaked. "Are you ok? Shouldn't I let Jake know so that he can head home? Do you need me to come to the hospital with you?" She said yes, no, and no. I mulled over it for a while, but eventually did text Jake "Hey, I need to talk to you, can you call me?" Because the time difference would put him almost two hours ahead, and I didn't want him to be woken up by the news that his mother was in the hospital. Now. He calls me back, I explain, nearly crying. He sort of just stops. Eventually, he tells me "Thank you for telling me. I'll call Jim (fake name for his brother.)" In a really strange, choked voice. The next day, he texts me that he's heading home. When he arrives, I assume he'll go straight to the hospital. Nope. He comes to my apartment, and starts apologizing. The conversation goes; Jake; I am so, so sorry. My mother Is insane. Me: What are you talking about? Jake: sighs she was never in the hospital. Me: stares at him Jake: She was testing you. I should have told you that she had a habit of doin this, but it's been so long since we began dating, and then got engaged, that I thought she wouldn't. Me: Testing me? Jake: She wanted to know if you could be trusted to be a good daughter-in-law. He hands me his phone, and I scroll through his messages to see a bunch such as "She's a b-word, and can't be trusted" from his mother. Now, she's texting me that I'm TA for telling him. My fiance is telling her to lay off, but she won't. AITA for telling him, if you ignore the rest?

TLDR: Fiance's mother told me she was In the hospital, but was lying to "test me" and I'd now calling me TA for telling my fiance she was in the hospital when she told me not to.

# ? Aug 21, 2019 07:09

Taima: Dec 31, 2006; tfw you're peeing next to someone in the lineup and they don't know

Bruceski posted:

This is one interview and from the sound of it the wife will be awesome wherever she lands.

I agree that they should be honest, unfortunately there are two issues I can see:

1) Paid pastor gigs where you make an actual living are competitive and hard to come by. Someone looking for paid pastoral work in a relatively liberal church is already rolling the dice pretty hard. And not to downplay how cool she is, but one thing he didn't mention is any kind of leadership training/church-focused pre-pastoral training. A good friend of mine works in tech but is training to be a pastor and let me tell you, there is a career path for that kind of work.

Don't get me wrong, making money for charity and leading discussion groups is great but I was concerned about how little he actually had to say about her qualifications. Sounds like he really loves her though, which is heartwarming to see.

2) Most churches are not going to appreciate her husband being an atheist. It's not fair, but her effectivity as a community leader will probably be harmed if the husband doesn't come to the church on Sundays at least.

Just sounds like a really hard situation. I wish them the best of luck and hope they find a way through it.

# ? Aug 21, 2019 07:19

Sagebrush: Feb 26, 2012

Telemaze posted:

I assure you that when it happens, you generally aren't thinking you lost "a clump of cells" even if it still technically is. Miscarriages are traumatic physically and mentally so maybe don't be an rear end in a top hat to someone who's clearly grieving so badly that she needs therapy.

Healthily mourning miscarriages is harder than it needs to be because society is shittily dismissive. People will say awful dismisive things about stillbirths too, in comparison to losing a child who lived outside of the womb. I obviously don't think it's healthy for this woman to be celebrating her dead child's due date. But she might have an easier time if society legitimized this kind of grief instead of downplaying it or pretending it doesn't happen.

there are support groups for people who have had miscarriages and trouble conceiving and it is pretty weird and kind of insulting to put yourself in a dead child support group when the child you lost was never even viable outside the womb.

yes it is a traumatic experience. No I do not believe the trauma compares to losing a child that was born and breathed air and lived some amount of time as an independent being and then died.

# ? Aug 21, 2019 07:20

epsilon: Oct 31, 2001

welcome to hell posted:

AITA because I ignored my fiance's mother and told him what I thought was the truth?

Soon to join the estranged parents forum!

# ? Aug 21, 2019 07:34

Taima: Dec 31, 2006; tfw you're peeing next to someone in the lineup and they don't know

Sagebrush posted:

there are support groups for people who have had miscarriages and trouble conceiving and it is pretty weird and kind of insulting to put yourself in a dead child support group when the child you lost was never even viable outside the womb.

yes it is a traumatic experience. No I do not believe the trauma compares to losing a child that was born and breathed air and lived some amount of time as an independent being and then died.

It's possible to become addicted to grief, wherein the brain will actually light up its reward centers when grieving:

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/06/080620195446.htm#targetText=Summary%3A,these%20memories%20addiction%2Dlike%20properties.

It's extraordinarily hosed up.

# ? Aug 21, 2019 07:46

Barudak: May 7, 2007

welcome to hell posted:

AITA because I ignored my fiance's mother and told him what I thought was the truth?

See if you can get her to cry wolf.

# ? Aug 21, 2019 07:53

QuarkJets: Sep 8, 2008

Taima posted:

It's possible to become addicted to grief, wherein the brain will actually light up its reward centers when grieving:

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/06/080620195446.htm#targetText=Summary%3A,these%20memories%20addiction%2Dlike%20properties.

It's extraordinarily hosed up.

Clearly another point in favor of human beings having been intelligently designed

# ? Aug 21, 2019 08:11

cumshitter: Sep 27, 2005; by Fluffdaddy

"We have a new member to the group. You don't have to speak until you're ready, Mr. Cumshitter, but if you care to share your feelings today you're welcome to do so."

"Well, this is a bit awkward, but my son is still alive-"

*Angry murmuring*

"-and last year he came out to me as straight-"

*Audible gasps*

"-and just this morning I received an invitation to his wedding. It destroyed me. My son is dead to me. I refuse to support him by showing up to his living funeral."

*The group leader begins sobbing and hugging me*

# ? Aug 21, 2019 08:11

teen witch: Oct 9, 2012

welcome to hell posted:

AITA because I ignored my fiance's mother and told him what I thought was the truth?

All rise for the r/relationships flag:

# ? Aug 21, 2019 08:15

Patrick Spens: Jul 21, 2006; "Every quarterback says they've got guts, But how many have actually seen 'em?"; Pillbug

Taima posted:

2) Most churches are not going to appreciate her husband being an atheist. It's not fair, but her effectivity as a community leader will probably be harmed if the husband doesn't come to the church on Sundays at least.

The follow-up to this is that lying is extremely stupid. Like, unless he's willing to show and lie about being Christian every Sunday for the rest of his life, they cannot lie about it now.

# ? Aug 21, 2019 08:15

Khizan: Jul 30, 2013

Yeah. If you lie about something like that, you will get caught and her willingness to go along with that lie is going to be a huge strike against her here. Best course is to take the interview and be honest but not an rear end in a top hat.

# ? Aug 21, 2019 08:26

QuarkJets: Sep 8, 2008

luxury handset posted:

one of those growing up experiences where you learn that while someone may not be allowed to flex on you it would be a drat poor idea to dare them to do so over something so trivial

What's the landlord going to do, start parasitically accepting rent payments while doing the bare minimum in maintenance to keep from getting sued? Oh wait lol

I think the notice was probably written by the coffee shop owners as a bluff to get the wifi name changed. Most landlords wouldn't be assed to do that kind of thing. OTOH, the kind who would are the same kind who would put bullshit like "tenant agrees to rename their wifi network at landlord's request" in a lease agreement

# ? Aug 21, 2019 08:28

SilvergunSuperman: Aug 7, 2010

Smirking_Serpent posted:

WIBTA for refusing to be interviewed as part of my wife's job application?

The older I get the more religion repulses me.

# ? Aug 21, 2019 08:31

Power Khan: Aug 20, 2011; by Fritz the Horse

I(F30) divorced my ex Husband (M36) because of my MIL(F60s) and suddenly he wants back in

I will be rambling a little as I am very mad right now. Sorry for my bad English. It is not my first language

My Ex and I were married for well over 5 years and together for 10 . His mother was a nightmare. She would spent her time belitteling me and tried humiliating me. I could take it as i loved my husband and didn't want to make him choose between her or me.

Of course I would always tell him what she would be doing and he would always brush it off as her being "a loving and over protecting mom "

When she would say something racist ( I am Hispanic and they are white) he would laugh it off, when she would make a comment of me being a gold digger ( even tho I earned more than my Ex) he would just say "Oh mom " . He would also get mad at me if I ever stood up for myself.

But the straw that broke the camels back is when we had our daughter. My MIL would always try to parent her and say that i would do something wrong .

My daughter has an irritable colon and she can not ingest any kind of loving oils or artificial things. And guess what that looney of a Woman did??

She fed my 3 year old daughter essential oils( she is not anti vaxx , just very stupid) to make her go to sleep . She was in the ICU. I had it and i confronted my husband who said " she only did what she thought was best ".

I lost it . I went to my parents and drafted a divorce agreement . ( Thats the best course of action. I saw a post earlier describing a situation that is much more dangerous than mine involving allergens and an epipen. )

His face was like that Pikachu Meme when i served him . He didn't know why i was doing that because we were "happy".

So now a year has passed and my life was hell. My Monster in law tried every dirty trick in the book to take my Daugther . To name a few :

She accused my brother of molesting her

She accused me of neglect

She accused me of taking drugs and leaving them in reach of a toddler ( I take thyroxin for heavens sake !)

She accused me of endangering my daughter by leaving random man in my house

the list goes on

During this time the excuse of my ex was that i broke his heart and i had to undertstand his mother. She only wants whats best for him.

Luckily i got good representation and even got my daughter full time minus some weekends or visitation . I could prove that my daughter was endangered by his mother.

So now to the advice part.

I knew that my ex needed to be permanently in my life because of my daughter. And i was learning to live with that . He was very cold with me because again.. i broke his heart .

Now 2 things have come together :

My ex BIL got married to an African American woman, so ofcourse my ex MIL flipped

I started dating again

my BIL is a great guy and he actually stood up for his wife ( !!! go figure it is possible). I stay in contact with him because we are friends and hewas a mediator and fought with his brother quite often .So my BIL actually stood up for his wife and my ex husband got his panties in a twist, my BIL basically opened his eyes how lovely he was being. And that their mom treated me the same way she treated his wife. And finally my dense ex started understanding.

They guy I am seeing is great . I have even met his parents and his mother is normal . She treats me like a human being and has invited me allready to many family functions and tries to make me and my daughter feel welcomed . My ex got wind from the situation trough a mutual friend and guess who is now flipping his poo poo?

He started bringing flowers and chocolate ( I don't even like chocolate!!!) to pick up our Daugther. He sends me cards and sms with hearts and who knows what .

Yesterday was the "best thing". My daughter was at my mothers place and i was at home with my boyfriend. He appears infront of my door crying and clutching my engagement ring begging me to come back.

I said no and that he should go away. He wouldn't and started demanding that i come out to talk to him. My boyfriend told him that he would call the police ,and in his pathetic fashion he threatened to beat my boyfriend up.

I closed the door and let him pound sand .

Today he picked up my daughter for a day trip and when they came back my daughter was asking if i loved my boyfriend more than her .

Now I am at a loss to what to do. I allready told my daughter that it was imposible because my love for her is infinite and there is nothing bigger than infinite.

But now i know that my ex is trying to make my daughter hate me .I am at a loss because i won't use my daughter as amunition. But also....what the hell am i supposed to do??I will never return with that man but i can't take the father of my daughter. Do you guys have any advice?

# ? Aug 21, 2019 08:33

Bruceski: Aug 21, 2007; The tools of a hero mean nothing without a solid core.

Taima posted:

I agree that they should be honest, unfortunately there are two issues I can see:

1) Paid pastor gigs where you make an actual living are competitive and hard to come by. Someone looking for paid pastoral work in a relatively liberal church is already rolling the dice pretty hard. And not to downplay how cool she is, but one thing he didn't mention is any kind of leadership training/church-focused pre-pastoral training. A good friend of mine works in tech but is training to be a pastor and let me tell you, there is a career path for that kind of work.

Don't get me wrong, making money for charity and leading discussion groups is great but I was concerned about how little he actually had to say about her qualifications. Sounds like he really loves her though, which is heartwarming to see.

2) Most churches are not going to appreciate her husband being an atheist. It's not fair, but her effectivity as a community leader will probably be harmed if the husband doesn't come to the church on Sundays at least.

Just sounds like a really hard situation. I wish them the best of luck and hope they find a way through it.

You're right, I think I read his cheerleading prologue as a more solid professional/financial history so I assumed they'd be fine wherever they landed. Still worth being honest though.

# ? Aug 21, 2019 09:00

cumshitter: Sep 27, 2005; by Fluffdaddy

There will be parishioners who have spouses that don't attend in every congregation. If they're smart they can spin it as a way for the wife to speak to a certain part of the congregation.

It might not necessarily be a black mark, it's a reality a lot of people face. I've even heard that subject discussed by priests when I've been dragged to Catholic mass on Holidays.

# ? Aug 21, 2019 09:19

teen witch: Oct 9, 2012

Power Khan posted:

I(F30) divorced my ex Husband (M36) because of my MIL(F60s) and suddenly he wants back in

She fed my 3 year old daughter essential oils( she is not anti vaxx , just very stupid) to make her go to sleep . She was in the ICU. I had it and i confronted my husband who said " she only did what she thought was best ".

How the MIL is not arrested for child endangerment is beyond me. Essential Oils are loving dangerous to ingest as a full grown adult, let alone three year old child.

I have zero empathy for the ex husband whatsoever, and his abject misery due to his own actions give me glee. gently caress people who won�t stand up to their parents when they�re being racist towards their partners.

# ? Aug 21, 2019 09:24

Peaceful Anarchy: Sep 18, 2005; sXe
I am the math man.

teen witch posted:

How the MIL is not arrested for child endangerment is beyond me. Essential Oils are loving dangerous to ingest as a full grown adult, let alone three year old child.

Based solely on reading thread I'd guess because there's a big part of the police that considers anything between two people who know each other to be a "civil" or "family" matter that is not their problem. "kid is alive, no permanent harm, deal with this amongst yourselves."

# ? Aug 21, 2019 09:30

DragQueenofAngmar: Dec 29, 2009; You shall not pass!

Smirking_Serpent posted:

I (32f) am so baffled by his (39m) strange behavior in needing a "muse" to do.....well, anything.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. He does suffer from issues (ex: anxiety and ADHD) for which he is medicated.

He relies on my presence heavily in order to do anything. We don't live together but I live close to him. We both work from home, so there is a lot of flexibility. I'm freelance, so I can really work anywhere. Here are my main issues with him:

He tells me all the time he NEEDS a "muse" to "inspire" him. This is for anything work-related. I mean anything from building a deck to doing taxes. Apparently I am this muse. It's not enough if I am there with him to get him started. If I leave, he just basically stops working.

He acts like he needs to be led by me. Which is insane. Because I cannot lead him. So he will ask me to be with him while he does some renos. I say ok, and show up. I'm happy to hand him nails or hand him a hammer or help him hold stuff/measure something. But I don't know anything about this stuff (and he knows it).
He will ask me weird things like "what do you want me to do now? You want me to wire this?" I honestly don't know what he's supposed to do (I hope he does!) and I don't really care. I'll say "um, sure?" and that makes him happy, and he goes ahead and wires it.

I know it doesn't sound like a big deal. But it's just....weird. The whole concept of needing a "muse" to be productive (and one time he was using a female co-worker as his muse at work....whatever that means), and acting like I'm supposed to be telling him what to do as he's working is strange. Is this a thing? Have I been hiding under a rock???

TLDR: BF CAN'T WORK WITHOUT MY PRESENCE AS HIS MUSE, AND ALSO SEEMS TO WANT ME TO PRETEND TO LEAD HIM DURING WORK. WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THIS??

either your bf is an incurable layabout, or he has less than zero self esteem. something in his past has caused him to only care about anything when it�s for another person. he will require enormous amounts of therapy and support. either way, probably leave

# ? Aug 21, 2019 09:33

StrangersInTheNight: Dec 31, 2007; ABSOLUTE FUCKING GUDGEON

charity rereg posted:

They aren't two separate deals. He didn't give her a place to live first and then make a separate deal about student loans for childcare.

The entire deal is that the place to live AND loan help is in return for the childcare. She isn't doing the childcare, she doesn't get a place to live

Your post could be labeled "How well intentioned people become enablers," because they always "have nowhere to go" or "can't just be kicked out on the street!"

No, this is not enabling, because deciding to host your traumatized teenage sister after she was the only survivor of a car accident in which her other family members died and deciding to make this contingent on her doing childcare work when she literally has no other options at that moment is loving coercive as hell, AND ALSO a terrible lapse in judgement as a parent

That is not 'a deal', she only agreed bc what else could she loving do? Her coping mechanism to agree and neglect was absolutely terrible, but she's a traumatized 17yo, it should NEVER HAVE BEEN HANDED TO HER

'Hm, how can I help my grieving sister with no other options? I know, thrust her into adult responsibilities! Surely that won't amplify her grief by making her aware of the sudden and abrupt end to her youth/childhood symbolized by this one traumatic incident. This is a good, fair deal that makes sense, and all parties are clearly agreeing on equal footing as adults! Therapy, what's that?

Wait, what, my carefully crafted system fell apart? It couldn't function like slotting a cig into a machine? YOU KNEW THE DEAL' <- is not a fair response. Leaving a toddler alone in the way she did was awful, but this situation should never have been created in the first place.

StrangersInTheNight fucked around with this message at 10:26 on Aug 21, 2019

# ? Aug 21, 2019 09:51

Peaceful Anarchy: Sep 18, 2005; sXe
I am the math man.

DragQueenofAngmar posted:

either your bf is an incurable layabout, or he has less than zero self esteem. something in his past has caused him to only care about anything when it�s for another person. he will require enormous amounts of therapy and support. either way, probably leave

She says right there in the second sentence what the issue is "He does suffer from issues (ex: anxiety and ADHD) "
His coping mechanism for being unable to focus is to have someone there to keep him on track. Not the healthiest way to do it, but I give him points for creativity in calling her his muse.

# ? Aug 21, 2019 09:51

cumshitter: Sep 27, 2005; by Fluffdaddy

He's actually coming on to her, doing his taxes and wiring homes in the sexiest ways possible. He's gyrating his crotch over the keyboard as he works Quicken and constantly asking her if the tool is big enough for the job, but she's just not getting the point.

# ? Aug 21, 2019 10:04

Xik: Mar 10, 2011; Dinosaur Gum

Power Khan posted:

I(F30) divorced my ex Husband (M36) because of my MIL(F60s) and suddenly he wants back in

Have your ex-husband and his mother killed. When your daughter is old enough she will understand.

# ? Aug 21, 2019 10:19

Pinecone Sample: Oct 12, 2010; THIS ACCOUNT HAS BEEN SEIZED
by the United States Federal Bureau of Investigation in accordance with a seizure warrant issued pursuant to 69 U.S.C Sec. 420

My girlfriend (32/F) wrote me (31/M) a 52-page breakup letter and I'm having a tough time handling it (long read)

quote:

I'll try to be as non-biased and informative as possible. This has really hit me hard in more than one way. I'm lost, ashamed, confused, I feel guilty, numb, lonely and angry at times. I've never felt like this before and feel like I'm a shell of a human being that I once was. Most of the time, I feel like I'm a ghost walking around with no desire to connect with the world around me.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 2 years. It's not that long of a relationship, but it was the most intense and immersive experience I've ever felt. On the first date, we hit it off and it was like I've known her for many years, even though it was the first time we've ever spent time together. We laughed together, cried together, had out best and worst moments together. She was my soulmate and I was hers. The feeling was so pure, the love so beautiful that I could have never imagined spending time with anyone else. Neither of us had experience in a real long-term relationship, so when we actually moved in together 6 months ago (with me paying all the bills), it was the first time either one of us cohabited a place of residence with a significant other. We talked excessively about out future, and even planned to open a joint bank account to save for a house to buy next summer.

We spent nearly every single day together. What I know now is that we developed a codependent relationship, and that caused numerous problems that we were actually beginning to address with couples counseling and therapy in order to make the relationship stronger and learn how to deal with problems in a more meaningful way. Just when we started doing couple's counseling and started working on our problems with a professional (and each of us working on our own issues independent of the couple's counseling via 1-on-1 counseling), things went south and a few weeks later, the relationship came to an end.

When I first met her, she seemed to be unlike any other woman that I've gotten to know. The first thing that stuck out was that she was a law enforcement officer (a police officer), so she works in a workplace with mostly all males. By contrast, I'm a software engineer. The second was that she told me she's not on social media like Instagram and Snapchat, so to me, that was a breath of fresh air and something that I've been looking for in a partner (I know it sounds silly to most people, but I was trying to avoid women who were on those platforms). The fact that she works in an almost exclusively male field made me a little bit insecure right off the bat, but over time, due to her openness and honesty (I met some of her coworkers, she was open about who she communicated with, etc), I felt a lot more comfortable with her working with almost exclusively men.

About 3 months into the relationship, I find out that she uses Instagram and Snapchat, but only deleted the apps from her phone temporarily while she was starting to date me. She started using Snapchat excessively, always taking videos and pictures of us, of her at work and God knows what else. She was probably the most active user I've seen or been with at the age of 30. This immediately put a bad taste in my mouth since she claimed she wasn't on these applications and I saw this as her lying (She lied about other silly things, like claiming she "accidentally" blocked my sister on Instagram, to which she later admitted was a lie). So, right of the bat, I started to have doubts about the things she was telling me and always second guessing whatever she was telling me. She also started to get me involved with Snapchat and Instagram, so I created accounts just so I can join her in whatever she thought was "cool."

I was never really comfortable with the fact that she uses Snapchat and the extensiveness of her use of the application. She is her own person and can do what she wants, but I sat her down and told her how uncomfortable it makes me feel. The fact that she works with all men and communicates with these people outside of work just doesn't make me feel too comfortable. She listened to me and deleted the application off her phone and that was that.

Over time, my obsession with Instagram and my paranoia and second guessing her turned from bad to worse. After a few months, I used Instagram as a tool just to check up on her (when I text her and she doesn't respond right away, I see whether or not she was online on IG and if she was and didn't respond to my text, I'd get upset and give her the silent treatment, etc). Now I realize that this is toxic behavior and I regret ever doing this. I found out that she was also messaging a fitness model from Texas (asking him about his relationship status with his girlfriend and generally just sending several videos of funny things and other seemingly platonic stuff). That kind of sent me over the edge and we had this huge argument.

A few weeks later, she was going to a bachelorette party with her friends on a nearby island. That immediately triggered insecurity on my part and I told her to make sure there are no "strippers" at the bachlorette party. She became immediately offended and we started to get into another argument again. I realize I was being insecure and petty. I asked her if she can ask her friend who organized the party to check if there will be any strippers. My girlfriend did all of this for me, but she felt like she was being controlled and doing things she shouldn't be doing just to appease me. We got into another argument and then she asked for some space for a few days.

That's when I decided I need to seek therapy and counseling, so I started seeing a licensed therapist/psychiatrist to help me with my issues using CBT and general counseling. I started my treatment before she asked for space and continued for another 6 months. After the 4 days of no contact break, we got back together and we were both in tears. We realized how much we loved one another and would do anything to make this relationship work. My therapy lasted until about from August 2018 to the end January 2019 and I feel like I've made good improvements in dealing with the cycle of distrust and how to deal with everything with a more positive mindset and seeing what the triggers were from childhood, etc.

At the start of November 2018, my girlfriend became seriously ill. She was turning completely yellow, her liver enzymes are almost 10x the normal limit, she had terrible muscle aches, eye pain and was completely a mess. She wasn't able to walk or do any normal activities. From November to January, we went from hospital to hospital, doctor to doctor to find out what was wrong with her. She spent many nights at the ER at several hospitals, being in intensive care and being monitored for elevated enzyme readings and being seen by many professionals to find out what was wrong. I was by her side every day, always holding her hand and providing any support that she needed. I took many days off work, I slept right by her bedside in the most uncomfortable chairs just so she didn't have to suffer alone. I loved her more than anything on this planet and I made a promise to myself that no matter what, I will be by her side regardless of what happens to me.

Early in 2019, she was diagnosed with Lupus. She was without medication for a long time and was always in pain. I tried to stay strong for her, but there were times where I grew frustrated and just dealt with things my own way by shutting down and internalizing and withholding affection when she needed it the most. It's hard coming from work and then dealing with someone who is in chronic pain every single day and I slipped up several times and I regret it immensely. I started getting stressed out, but dealt with it the best I could.

Then a month or so after she started receiving immuno-suppressing drugs for her Lupus, she gets a call from her doctor for an abnormal pap smear result. Fast forward a couple of weeks, we find out she needs surgery to remove the pre-cancerous growths. I had no idea what caused it, so I did research and it is caused by HPV-16. I was always under the assumption that Lupus could cause problems with the cervix, but I was wrong. That kind of turned my world upside down and I started getting angry that she never told me she has STDs. So when I approached her, she nonchalantly said that it "probably is" HPV that caused it and I lost my cool and told her that she's "disgusting and dirty," "should have waited for marriage until you had sex just like you always talk about," and that she should "get the gently caress out." I said some really hurtful things because I felt I was betrayed by her yet again. Looking back, I know what I said was wrong and I wish I could turn back the time and undo what I have done. She felt like I wasn't sympathetic enough, I felt like I was wronged and we kind of had a clash with this but we ended up talking about it. I apologized for my blowup and learned from my mistake.

There were several times that when I had a stressful day at work and had to rush to the gym, I would be more self-absorbed and be cold towards her at the gym. She would come and say "Hi" to me at the gym and give me a kiss, and I would reply "What's up?" and sometimes feel uncomfortable with a kiss of being intimate. This gave her the impression that she wasn't valued or wanted by me, so it always started arguments back home.

Fast forward to a month and half ago: I had a horrible day at work. Traffic everywhere so I was extremely agitated from the get-go when I get to the gym. When I walk into the gym, I saw what looked like my girlfriend starting at another guy at the gym. She was stretching her hamstrings and starting right at some guy (that's what it looked like for me; but she denied it). So me being agitated and little hurt by what I saw, as I walked by her, I flicked the towel that was hanging by her side right at her and it landed on the back of her head. Then I just walked by and didn't say anything. That caused a big rift between us and a few fights. I know what I did was wrong and I accept all responsibility. I should't have flicked/thrown a towel at her. It's immature and unnecessary and even violent. She's her own person, I don't own her. Unacceptable.

Then there was an incident where she was wearing really short shorts and while I was seated, I saw them sliding almost inside her butt when she walked. I told her that I think her "shorts are a little too short, just to let you know." I didn't want to hurt her or make her feel bad about herself, but I was just telling her what I saw. She told me she could wear other shorts if it's better to, and I replied with "you can wear whatever you're comfortable with." Then I asked her why she didn't wear any dresses and that dresses are "much classier" than daisy dukes/short shorts, especially for a professional mature woman. My thing is I just wanted to let her know because she's the type of person who doesn't like much exposed so in case she didn't know, I'd tell her. This caused another argument between us. Later on, she deemed that this was "controlling" and "abusive" behavior. I agree that my dresses comment was unwarranted and I shouldn't have gone that route. While I can see how the rest could be seen as controlling, I never had the intention to control what she was wearing, because I made sure I told her that she is her own person and can wear whatever she's comfortable with. But I definitely can see how it can be seen as controlling for sure.

The most recent event (the one that tore everything down), was 3 weeks ago when we were eating dinner together. That Sunday was one of the best we've had: I showered her with affection and tried everything to make her feel loved, adored, etc. We had a fun willed day, made love and everything was fantastic. I was on Instagram looking at funny memes and I showed her one. She looked at me in disgust and asked me why I'm using Instagram again. It probably triggered our ordeal last summer when I had Instagram and used it in an unhealthy way. However, I didn't think the problem we had was me being on the platform, but me using the platform to keep tabs on her and doing other unhealthy things and not necessarily using the platform to find memes. I used it when I went to work in the morning and get a laugh or 2 in before work or doing the same thing before bed. She went completely cold and numb and was never the same again.

The next night we talked over the Instagram fight and she told me what her issue is. I understood her issue then and deleted the application completely. No way will I let a social media application ruin the relationship. I made sure she understood that from my understanding, the issue wasn't me having the application, but using it inappropriately (or what we deem as inappropriate). At that point, I never really got the sense that she was understanding anything I was saying and that I was talking to a wall, so I completely shut down and kept to myself to internalize what I was feeling. We were talking about affection and how much she needed it and my reply was that (I'm paraphrasing here) "I showed you affection yesterday and look where we are" and went to bed. From my view, I felt worthless and nothing that I could do would satisfy her and needed my own time to get over this. On her side, she said she felt rejected and never felt more single in her life. Fast forward to the letter she wrote, she says she couldn't sleep that night and couldn't stop the tears and sobs. She felt unloved and undervalued. That was probably the biggest mistake I've made in my life and if I can turn back time and relive one moment, it would be that one to swallow my own pain like a man and give her the love and affection she needed to overcome.

After that, things were never the same. There was distance between us, awkwardness and just uneasiness. At the end of that week, she asked for 3 days of space where she went to visit 2 of her friends for a 3-day period to just talk and get over stuff (The two friends she visited never met me or talked to me, by the way). That Saturday night after she came back from her friend's house, we had a conversation. She started it off the bat by attacking me, calling me a liar because of the Instagram and me using it. She called me emotionally abusive and controlling. Until she mentioned it in this conversation, I had no idea what constituted emotional abuse and wasn't even aware of what it was to be honest. I tried to defend myself and give my view, but that was to no avail. She was saying things that she was never saying before and sounding like she doesn't even know who I am and completely forgot what we went through as a couple. It felt like someone else was talking and not her.

She ended this conversation by telling me that she will move out in 2 days into a friend's sister's house (who has an extra bedroom to spare). She asked for an undetermined amount of space with absolutely no contact. I asked her if she's breaking up and encouraging her to tell me the trust and that it's okay and that I understand. I just wanted to know where we are and if we were breaking things, that we can both start moving on. She was adamant about it not being a breakup and just a phase for her to clear her mind, get her health back on track and focus on her work. Later that night, I was Googling and researching about emotional abuse and some of the things that I have said to her (like when her I thought her shorts were too short, withholding emotion when I don't like something she did, etc) were all types of emotional abuse. The next day, I brought it up to my counselor so I can work on it. It's a process but I'm willing to do whatever it takes to save the relationship.

Because the no contact was unusual and I wanted to let her know that I'm thinking of her, I sent a bucket of flowers and a letter to her mom so she can give it to my girlfriend (since I don't know where she's staying at). This ended up being a huge mistake, but just want to throw that out there.

Two weeks later after we last spoke, she sends me a 52-page letter detailing how badly I have broken her, how I have hurt her through my abuse, how I have played with her heart and her feelings. She says that it's not meant to hurt or to demean me, but to educate me to become a better person. She says she's not a psychiatrist, but she thinks I am a narcissist because I like to make money and drive a nice car and that I have Paranoid Personality Disorder (PPD). She details how she believes I have PPD because of my chronic trust issues with her, always questioning her motives when there is no reason to. She said that's I'm a manipulative person and the flowers I sent during the no contact was an attempt at manipulating her to stay with me.

I've never felt more guilty, abandoned, sad and numb in my life. I had so many emotions running through me and never thought my girlfriend saw me from such a negative light when only a few weeks ago, we were having the time of our lives. I felt so sorry for making her feel like she was controlled, always walking on eggshells due to my moods (when I'm stressed at work, it carries over and I keep it inside and ignore her or am not as loving as I should be), etc. In general, there were times where I was just an rear end in a top hat towards her to put it in a different way. I wish I could have done things differently and learned a better way to deal with stressors and not indirectly take it out on her. Also, I do agree I have trust issues for multiple reasons and I am getting professional help dealing with this issues right now and I feel like I'm on the right path to a better me. Just a few weeks earlier, she was telling me how we will work on the issues together and learn to communicate better. Then, all of a sudden...darkness.

The more I thought about the letter, I started feeling anger. I felt like she was (at times) delusional and right out lying in some parts. I'm not sure if she believes what she writes or not. For example, she was writing how I told her to "get the gently caress out" after flicking the towel at her, which never happened. I flicked the towel and just gave her the silent treatment the entire time. In the letter, she writes that she was always open and honest with me, but she had lied about silly things numerous times before (like not using social media like Snapchat and IG, accidentally blocking my sister, etc).

She was blaming me for "pushing" her from her friends, when it was always HER who chose to spend time with me whenever she was invited to go somewhere. I never had a problem with her going out with her friends, but there were times earlier in our relationship where I would act less lovey-dovey if she went to a concert or something, which was wrong and learned from it with therapy. This was a codependent relationship and we both made mistakes here and I am adult enough to accept what I did was wrong and I'm seeking all the help necessary to never have this happen again. From her side, I hear nothing but silence.

The part of the letter that hurt the most was when she told me I wasn't there for her when she was sick. I've spend every day with her at the hospital when she was admitted. I was always there to her appointments. I was always there supporting her from the beginning and she completely forgot about any of it. That has me so torn and unappreciated. Everything that I've done for her feels like it was never even done to begin with. Then again, that's probably how she feels after some of the aforementioned actions that I've been part of.

The most shocking piece of the letter was when she suggested that I go see a batter's anonymous counseling group. I've never laid a hand on any human being in my life, never hit anything inanimate or otherwise. I admit that my temper shows from time to time and it could look scary, but I've never been violent . I don't drink or do any drugs. I understand why she would suggest it (because I flicked/threw a towel at her at the gym), and she has fear of me doing something worse, but I've never shown any violent behavior ever in my life and never will. I've raised my voice at her just once in the two years we were together and even that I regret and wouldn't repeat again. Then to suggest I go to a batter's anonymous group was the biggest insult to my character. She even went to compare me to her drunk, physically abusive stepdad and she went so far as to say that I she's afraid I will turn into that person if I don't seek help.

I felt like the entire letter was from a girlfriend who hasn't been awake for the past two years. A girlfriend who doesn't seem to know her boyfriend at all. What I've done was wrong and I take responsibility for my actions. I'm so deeply sorry for the pain I have caused her and follow up seeking professional help. I just feel some of the conclusions in the letter were based on lies, like the "get the gently caress out" in the gym which never happened. Diagnosing me with narcissism. I even went along with the letter and believed that I was. It got to a point where I was taking narcissism tests online to see where I stand and each time, I score as less narcissistic than the average person.

I know the relationship is over. She's obviously justified to leave the relationship and I completely understand this. But this letter has affected me in so many levels and I can't seem to properly cope with it. I'm so lost and confused. I feel lonely, numb, guilty, ashamed, sad and even angry. I don't know if I'm capable of coping with this. I need help.

Thanks for reading and sharing your input.

tl;dr Girlfriend of 2 years wrote me a 52-page breakup letter. Don't know how to cope with this. Need help.

# ? Aug 21, 2019 10:59

Pinecone Sample: Oct 12, 2010; THIS ACCOUNT HAS BEEN SEIZED
by the United States Federal Bureau of Investigation in accordance with a seizure warrant issued pursuant to 69 U.S.C Sec. 420

WIBTA If i asked my GF to wear make-up during sex?

quote:

Hello,

Throwaway because people know my main account. The title makes me seem like an rear end in a top hat and this text might make me even more of an rear end in a top hat but here we go.

Heres some quick background info that may (or may not) help with judgements. I've been with my partner for about 3 years. We are both 22. Let me also say that she is drop dead gorgeous and i am definitely punching above my weight. However, over the past 6 or so months i've found our sex life to be fairly slow. I'm not blaming her for that at all, partly because its 99% on my end. In general my Libido is much lower than hers and for whatever reason i'm able to go long haul without any action. I think the last time we had sex was about 3 weeks ago, and i always try to ensure i'm not causing any issues on her end. We have spoken about this and its no big deal. We talk about everything. If Reddit has taught me anything its that communication is absolutely key and an integral part of a relationship. Here's my actual issue...

As amazingly beautiful as my girlfriend is with or without make-up, she is prettier with it on. So sue me, i said it. Its not only physical but its also obvious seeing her demeanour change when she has it on. She is more confident, more dominant and in general SEEMS happier. On all accounts it's a morale booster for her. She loves it; shops for it, watches youtubers that specialise in it. It's almost like a passion. Without make-up she is quieter and a bit more introverted or self conscious. For whatever reason over the past year and a half i'd say that 99% of our sex has been without make-up. If i'm honest i do think it can invigorate sex for us. I don't think it will raise my libido or make me want it anymore than i currently do but i think it can have an effect of making it generally more enjoyable for both of us.

I am worried about asking her to consider wearing it for the obvious reason of being an absolute rear end in a top hat but also because i don't want her to think that i'm shallow or implying i prefer her to wear make-up in front of me or during sex EVERYTIME.

Reddit, WIBTA if i asked her to wear make-up during sex?

EDIT: Formatting

There's only one YTA reply so far
He really gonna do it

# ? Aug 21, 2019 11:02

MarcusSA: Sep 23, 2007

Pinecone Sample posted:

My girlfriend (32/F) wrote me (31/M) a 52-page breakup letter and I'm having a tough time handling it (long read)

This friends reboot is not looking good.

# ? Aug 21, 2019 11:09

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

cumshitter posted:

There will be parishioners who have spouses that don't attend in every congregation. If they're smart they can spin it as a way for the wife to speak to a certain part of the congregation.

It might not necessarily be a black mark, it's a reality a lot of people face. I've even heard that subject discussed by priests when I've been dragged to Catholic mass on Holidays.

A spouse who doesn�t attend services (or a holiday-only attendee) is a different thing than being a flat-out atheist though. I mean, the New Testament specifically warns against marriage to unbelievers. It�s not viable to lie for various practical reasons, but don�t kid yourself here: For a lot of churches (even liberal ones), this would be an immediate deal-breaker for a pastor.

Pinecone Sample posted:

My girlfriend (32/F) wrote me (31/M) a 52-page breakup letter and I'm having a tough time handling it (long read)

You guys need to go to a writing class together because holy hell neither of you can get to the loving point.

MagusofStars fucked around with this message at 11:44 on Aug 21, 2019

# ? Aug 21, 2019 11:27

Xik: Mar 10, 2011; Dinosaur Gum

Pinecone Sample posted:

WIBTA If i asked my GF to wear make-up during sex?

hi reddit my gf is drop dead gorgeous and i am definitely punching above my weight but should I try to put the blame on her for my inadequeties and make her even more self concious without makeout, looking forward to your response, thanks in advance. Sincerly, soon to be single.

# ? Aug 21, 2019 11:49

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# ? May 29, 2024 02:16

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

Pinecone Sample posted:

My girlfriend (32/F) wrote me (31/M) a 52-page breakup letter and I'm having a tough time handling it (long read)

I kind of skimmed this until I hit the point where he called his girlfriend "disgusting and dirty" for having HPV-related cancerous cervical growths, and then I stopped reading. I really hope the 52-page breakup letter is just "YOU ARE A CRAPPY LITTLE BULLSHIT MAN" over and over with gradually increasing font size

# ? Aug 21, 2019 11:52

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > /r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

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