Star Citizen: Death of a Space Thread?

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > The Goodmine > Star Citizen: Death of a Space Thread?

Quavers: Feb 26, 2016; You clearly don't understand game development

The Rebel Galaxy Outlaw creator continues spanking Crobear in the remaking the WingCommander/Privateer games' race :redass:

# ? Sep 4, 2019 15:41

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 28, 2024 14:55

trucutru: Jul 9, 2003; by Fluffdaddy

stingtwo posted:

If CIG do go to UE4, they would in sheer idiocy get sued by Epic for non payment of using the game engine, claiming "oh ship purchases don't count for the 5% epic wants for everything game related".

All the latest improvement in UE have been secretely implemented by the coding wizards at CI-G so it's only logical they don't have to pay it. CI-G most likely even gets a cut from that 5%

# ? Sep 4, 2019 16:11

Bofast: Feb 21, 2011; Grimey Drawer

Strangler 42 posted:

Has anybody checked the job postings? Do they suddenly need more programmers more familiar with different engines?

Looks like most of their engineering postings still ask for CryEngine/Lumberyard experience, though there is one Junior Graphics Programmer listing that looks like this:

# ? Sep 4, 2019 16:19

Bofast: Feb 21, 2011; Grimey Drawer

Saw posted:

I hope my "Archeresque" blending of literature and CI!G drama isn't too long and bothersome.

Part II - The Artists

Lewis Pirenne was busily engaged at his desk in a darkened corner of his room. There remained so much code to write and threads to sync, in addition to all of the celebrations to prepare. Fifty years now! Fifty years since the original Kickstarter. According to the current schedule, only five more years would see the publication of Squadron 42, volume 1, chapter 1. Then in ten year intervals, the succeeding chapters would follow.

Pirenne turned in annoyance when his door buzzer sounded. He had forgotten the appointment. Salvor Hardin entered the room and promptly sat at the desk, opposite of Pirenne.

�I hope you�re not here to bother me asking for more budget money to be spent on artists, modelers and animators, Hardin� Pirenne snapped at the executive in charge of those departments.

�Lewis, I like you, but since being put in charge of the whole project, you�re focusing only on those areas you know about, and not giving enough attention to other departments that are at least equally important � maybe even more so�� Hardin replied.

�We�re in the home stretch now, we�ve only got just a few more blockers to overcome, and then we will finally get the production tools finished. From there, we just need to layer in the levels and it�s practically complete. We don�t need any more art assets � we need to finish everything else.�

�Those same blockers have been there since 3.0� Hardin replied, his voice losing the cheerfulness it started with, �why do you think that all of a sudden they will finally be overcome.�

Pirenne answered �Tomorrow is the fiftieth anniversary of the original Kickstarter. One of my senior programmers was able to hack into the code for the vault Robert�s had built shortly before his passing. He found that the tomorrow�s date in the list of constants set as vault opening dates. Tomorrow the vault will open and we�ll hear the final instructions from the master programmer himself. His words will give us the guidance we need to finish.�

�That sounds about as stupid as the things the backers say about Roberts � you do hear what they say about him, don�t you?� Hardin questioned, the cheerfulness returning to his voice and face.
Pirenne shook his head and answered �No.�

�For Chris Roberts so loved Star Citizen, he started two programming foundations on opposite sides of the Earth so that programming of the game would never stop until finished.� Hardin was nearly laughing as he finished the sentence.

Pirenne�s eyes squinted and he looked confused.

�Don�t bother thinking too hard Pirenne, you and I know that London and L.A. are just barely over ninety degrees apart from each other, but to the backers it means one degree about the Earth is the equivalent to two degrees in Star Citizen�s development. One more thing,� Hardin�s face once again looked serious �you better have the first roadmap in this game�s history to have accurate timelines. If you�ve read the accounting report, you know that the funding drop off rate and the project expenses are going to end this project if it�s wrong. The project is so old that the youngest of the original whales are dying of old age. We�re facing a crisis!�

Two weeks later�

The doors to the vault finally opened. For two weeks, every lead, manager, and executive met at them at the start of the day, expecting them to open. When they finally did, they slammed open so quickly, they killed one of the lead programmers. Hardin thought to himself �Late, with doors that kill � anybody who knew the history of this project should have known. If there�s a ramp inside the door, I�ll make sure I�m not the first down it.�

Inside, there was a central platform, surrounded with seating. The survivors filed in and took seats. Not long after everyone was seated, the lights turned off and the room became pitch black.

�Ummm� are we live? Is this on? Ehhh�.� Short questions and phrases like these repeated for five minutes while the room stayed dark. �Jesus Christ! I read the true accounts of the project, so I expected some incompetence, but to this level�� Hardin continued in his internal dialogue.

Suddenly, a hologram of Chris Roberts and a small stand next to him appeared on the platform. The holographic stand had a glass of water and a small vase with a single flower in it on its top. �Errrr, hello? I am Chris Roberts!� With that proclamation, the holographic Roberts flung his hands outward, hitting the holographic vase � but instead of falling to the ground, the vase shot upward faster that gravity could have pulled it down � and disappeared once outside the bounds of the hologram. Hardin�s inner dialogue now had him repeatedly smacking his forehead with his right hand. Then he noticed that the �hologram� cast a shadow on the floor of the vault. He felt absolute disgust at being associated with this level of ineptitude � but he knew what had to be inevitably coming � and the paycheck that would provide stopped him from immediately walking away from this perpetual garbage fire.

�Ehhhh�, Ortwin ahh�, calculated out the date for our first vault message. He said that this date is the date where you all would think you would be within ten years of release err� whatever that is, ahhmm�, but also within ten years of bankruptcy. You know of me, and you know of my vision for the best drat space game ever! What you didn�t know is this� The Star Citizen project is a fraud, and it always has been!�

Everyone in the vault gasped when Roberts finished that last sentence � except for Hardin, who smiled when everything he ever suspected was finally confirmed.

The holographic Roberts continued �I don�t really care if Squadron 42 beta is even released. What I do know is this...ahhhmmm� You�re developing a game in an engine unsuitable for its scope, but capable of creating pretty pictures. Your development team consists of more artists and modelers than developers. You need funding to continue, and you�ve got whales ready to buy absolutely anything you can think up � as long as it is associated with Star Citizen. The solution to your problem should be obvious.�

The hologram disappeared and the room lights turned back on. A crestfallen Lewis Pirenne approached Hardin and said �You were right. I�ll see to it that you�re put in charge of the overall project. What are you going to do now?�

�Roberts said, the solution should be obvious � and it is, it�s obvious as all hell! First up will be the �Galactic Chuckwagon� to keep troopers well fed with their procedural eggs. Then it will be garment factory space station, so the most fashionable citizens can keep up with the layers of jackets they will expect. Maybe make them sweatshops so backers can have some more fantasies about putting slaves to work.� Hardin then finished �We will develop a procedural engine to randomly put words together, and with those words, we�ll develop yet more concept ships. The concept ships keep the current whales spending and also bring in new ones. That should keep CI!G going long enough so that not I, my children, nor my grandchildren need to worry about doing anything other than dreaming up new spaceships, yet still lead a comfortable life.�

That was a beautiful take on the Foundation Parpology :allears:

# ? Sep 4, 2019 16:24

Colostomy Bag: Jan 11, 2016; C-Bangin' it

I'm willing to make a bet that there is some exact requirement from some other company they archered from.

# ? Sep 4, 2019 16:24

spacetoaster: Feb 10, 2014

Colostomy Bag posted:

Wasn't that the one where someone on reddit said CIG should sue you for libel?

Yeah, on twitter too.

Then we all laughed at them.

# ? Sep 4, 2019 16:40

spacetoaster: Feb 10, 2014

Quavers posted:

The Rebel Galaxy Outlaw creator continues spanking Crobear in the remaking the WingCommander/Privateer games' race

I played the rebel galaxy game and it was good.

It also turned me on to a few cool bands I didn't know about before (because the soundtrack is good).

# ? Sep 4, 2019 16:41

Quavers: Feb 26, 2016; You clearly don't understand game development

spacetoaster posted:

Yeah, on twitter too.

Then we all laughed at them.

Post the good stuff :allears:

# ? Sep 4, 2019 16:42

Colostomy Bag: Jan 11, 2016; C-Bangin' it

Can someone post the stimperor waltzing in and touching hobo?

# ? Sep 4, 2019 16:49

Quavers: Feb 26, 2016; You clearly don't understand game development

The minigame went live during the $275 not-enough-potatoes Connedcierge event - roughly 10 days and 20 hours ago (260hr).

At roughly 135 games/hour and two players per game, CIG's dumb minigame has a higher player concurrency than all modes of Arena Commander and Star Marine combined :laffo:

# ? Sep 4, 2019 16:51

Daztek: Jun 2, 2006

Colostomy Bag posted:

Can someone post the stimperor waltzing in and touching hobo?

https://i.imgur.com/NU1zoVa.gifv

# ? Sep 4, 2019 16:51

Jobbo_Fett: Mar 7, 2014; Slava Ukrayini; Clapping Larry

I missed Eonwe and SpaceToaster

# ? Sep 4, 2019 16:53

Colostomy Bag: Jan 11, 2016; C-Bangin' it

Thank you kind goon.

What a fiasco.

# ? Sep 4, 2019 16:55

Scruffpuff: Dec 23, 2015; Fidelity. Wait, was I'm working on again?

These threads have created more valuable contributions to gaming and general humor than Chris has in his entire career. Thank heavens for Star Citizen.

# ? Sep 4, 2019 16:56

Strangler 42: Jan 8, 2007; SHAVE IT ALL OFF
ALL OF IT

Bofast posted:

Looks like most of their engineering postings still ask for CryEngine/Lumberyard experience, though there is one Junior Graphics Programmer listing that looks like this:

we found the guy who is going to be programming the Citcon demo

# ? Sep 4, 2019 17:11

Colostomy Bag: Jan 11, 2016; C-Bangin' it

5+ years ramp experience

# ? Sep 4, 2019 17:15

Scruffpuff: Dec 23, 2015; Fidelity. Wait, was I'm working on again?

With a new engine the pipelines will really be in place, CI(-G) can start thinking about starting to produce tools, eventually Tools 2.0 Tier-0 will be weeks not months away, then all the systems mesh along with the servers, and before you know it the Power in the Machines speeds up development at an exponential pace. At that time, they can start thinking about starting to develop a game, and last of all, they can put in a flight model and game systems and layer them over the graphics. Set Cloud=1 in the config file, delete the USER folder, trash all your security permissions, and you're ready to start your second life, commando.

# ? Sep 4, 2019 17:31

Colostomy Bag: Jan 11, 2016; C-Bangin' it

If only they could hire kazan to handle the user folder/config file.

# ? Sep 4, 2019 17:41

Strangler 42: Jan 8, 2007; SHAVE IT ALL OFF
ALL OF IT

I don't know if they could afford That Kazan

# ? Sep 4, 2019 17:56

spacetoaster: Feb 10, 2014

Shout out to the artistic goons who made our handbook!

# ? Sep 4, 2019 17:57

Scruffpuff: Dec 23, 2015; Fidelity. Wait, was I'm working on again?

spacetoaster posted:

Shout out to the artistic goons who made our handbook!

I'd never seen this. A+ all around. Page 69 is particularly hilarious.

# ? Sep 4, 2019 18:04

Kosumo: Apr 9, 2016

Jobbo_Fett posted:

Buy me a ship and I will play with you.

It all makes sense now, you are Betsy Bigtits!

# ? Sep 4, 2019 18:15

BumbleOne: Jul 1, 2018; by Fluffdaddy

Taintrunner posted:

I hope Star Citizen goes on forever and never comes out

like a lingering fart

# ? Sep 4, 2019 18:16

Dooguk: Oct 11, 2016; Pillbug

Could someone post a link to the "How It Works - Star Citizen" Ladybird book please?

That was a work of genius and had me crying laughing.

# ? Sep 4, 2019 18:16

Tippis: Mar 21, 2008; It's yet another day in the wasteland.

I only have my stored copies � not the original.

Tippis posted:

Oh and�

# ? Sep 4, 2019 18:37

Daztek: Jun 2, 2006

Dooguk posted:

Could someone post a link to the "How It Works - Star Citizen" Ladybird book please?

That was a work of genius and had me crying laughing.

https://imgur.com/a/UE3dc

# ? Sep 4, 2019 18:48

Bofast: Feb 21, 2011; Grimey Drawer

Strangler 42 posted:

we found the guy who is going to be programming the Citcon demo

The job listing is still there now, so for a demo to be available during Citcon it would probably need to be done in... two weeks? 60 days tops?

# ? Sep 4, 2019 18:50

Dementropy: Aug 23, 2010

I am full of awe.

# ? Sep 4, 2019 19:03

Sarsapariller: Aug 14, 2015; Occasional vampire queen

Daztek posted:

https://imgur.com/a/UE3dc

Absolute high water mark of the thread, right there

# ? Sep 4, 2019 19:13

Sarsapariller: Aug 14, 2015; Occasional vampire queen

Dementropy posted:

I am full of awe.

"You asked for this basic game feature for 4 (actually 7) years, doubters! Now here it is, probably, assuming they aren't lying and it isn't completely broken on launch. And nobody says a thing!"

Doubters: *left the conversation three years ago*

:v:

"You're all just GOONS!"

# ? Sep 4, 2019 19:14

SoftNum: Mar 31, 2011

I really just don't understand how after all this time they can get excited about anything that is "coming soon" or whatever. Every single goon pwning essay but the idiots can't help but talk about what will happen "soon". I've never seen a citizen able to stick to what is actually in the game now, without wildly embellishing.

# ? Sep 4, 2019 19:19

Mirificus: Oct 29, 2004; Kings need not raise their voices to be heard

# ? Sep 4, 2019 19:37

Zaphod42: Sep 13, 2012; If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.

Someone should write up a website to calculate how much money you'd have if you put all your SC purchases into a savings account or mutual funds instead.

Then post it on reddit.

Honestly, why wouldn't you do that? At this point the game still seems at least 2 years away, why give money to CIG when you could buy your ship on release day for the same cost?

And since "warbonds" or whatever means refund cash is worth less than new cash, there is actually negative reason to buy ships now.

This is proof star citizens do not understand money.

Then when you add how much money star citizens have to give away, I think we can conclude that capitalism is a failure.

# ? Sep 4, 2019 19:40

Strangler 42: Jan 8, 2007; SHAVE IT ALL OFF
ALL OF IT

Mirificus posted:

It's not pay to win because there will never be a game to win. It's pay to lose. Chris 1, backers 0.

# ? Sep 4, 2019 19:42

Kosumo: Apr 9, 2016

Dementropy posted:

I am full of awe.

I feel ripped off! This is an imposter forum!

I wondered why the hate was so wishy washy here, it's like some of you guys and girls only have an issue with the unethical behaviour of Chris Roberts.

I was trick out of :10bux:

.

I want out.

Any advice?

# ? Sep 4, 2019 19:44

Agony Aunt: Apr 17, 2018; by LITERALLY AN ADMIN

Can someone post the exact moment that goons were defeated by SC backers? I fear that i might have missed it.

# ? Sep 4, 2019 20:01

Scruffpuff: Dec 23, 2015; Fidelity. Wait, was I'm working on again?

Although I believe that SC will face SOTA's fate, there is a large part of me that absolutely hungers for the "official" collapse of SC including their servers shutting down for good. I will legit take a vacation week just to watch the delicious panic, excuses, anger, threats, and maybe even the very occasional realization.

# ? Sep 4, 2019 20:04