Law Megathread: the stunner off the top rope that everyone but the defense saw coming

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Ask/Tell > Business, Finance, and Careers > Law Megathread: the stunner off the top rope that everyone but the defense saw coming

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nm: Jan 28, 2008; "I saw Minos the Space Judge holding a golden sceptre and passing sentence upon the Martians. There he presided, and around him the noble Space Prosecutors sought the firm justice of space law."

Discendo Vox posted:

So a partner at my firm called me in and...she told me this evening that she's pregnant.

Is it hers?

# ? Dec 13, 2019 03:03

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# ? May 16, 2024 14:00

BigHead: Jul 25, 2003; Huh?; Nap Ghost

nm posted:

Is it hers?

Is it yours this time?

# ? Dec 13, 2019 03:14

Phil Moscowitz: Feb 19, 2007; If blood be the price of admiralty,
Lord God, we ha' paid in full!

therobit posted:

Congratulations.

Lmao

# ? Dec 13, 2019 03:35

joat mon: Oct 15, 2009; I am the master of my lamp;
I am the captain of my tub.

Discendo Vox posted:

So a partner at my firm called me in and...she told me this evening that she's pregnant.

Which movie did the two of you watch together?

# ? Dec 13, 2019 05:38

Discendo Vox: Mar 21, 2013; We don't need to have that dialogue because it's obvious, trivial, and has already been had a thousand times.

So a partner at my firm called me in and said everyone's pretty much agreed to making me pregnant by the end of next year.

# ? Dec 13, 2019 06:41

Nice piece of fish: Jan 29, 2008; Ultra Carp

Discendo Vox posted:

So a partner at my firm called me in and said everyone's pretty much agreed to making me pregnant by the end of next year.

I guess that means you're going to have to handle a lot of the loads intended for her then. But I'm sure you'll be able to dump a certain amount on others too, as well as your duties.

# ? Dec 13, 2019 10:54

Discendo Vox: Mar 21, 2013; We don't need to have that dialogue because it's obvious, trivial, and has already been had a thousand times.

So a partner at my firm called me in and said everyone's pretty much agreed, I have by the end of next year. My kid told me this evening that she's pregnant.

# ? Dec 13, 2019 13:40

blarzgh: Apr 14, 2009; SNITCHIN' RANDY; Grimey Drawer

He's turned into one of those AI script writing bots that read 1,000 posts in this thread.

# ? Dec 13, 2019 16:21

Soothing Vapors: Mar 26, 2006; Associate Justice Lena "Kegels" Dunham: An uncool thought to have: 'is that guy walking in the dark behind me a rapist? Never mind, he's Asian.

we've finally broken DVox

# ? Dec 13, 2019 16:59

Soothing Vapors: Mar 26, 2006; Associate Justice Lena "Kegels" Dunham: An uncool thought to have: 'is that guy walking in the dark behind me a rapist? Never mind, he's Asian.

During his convalescence, Discendo Vox had bookmarked and read for the first time "Law Megathread: Turn Your House Into A Law Degree." He remembered after finishing the first three hundred pages that it occurred to him that he had better stop. He started up and flung his laptop into the fireplace; the laptop struck the barred grate and fell open on the hearth in the fire-light. If DVox had not caught a glimpse of the opening words of the three hundred and first page he should never have finished it, but as he stooped to pick it up his eyes became riveted to the open page, and with a cry of terror -- or perhaps it was of joy so poignant that he suffered in every nerve -- he snatched the laptop from the hearth and crept shaking to his bedroom, where he read it and reread it, and wept and laughed and trembled with a horror which at times assails him yet. This is the thing that troubles him, for he cannot forget Throatwarbler's palace in Dubai, where black stars hang in the heavens. He cannot escape the memory of Phil Moskewitz's New Orleans slave plantation, where the shadows of men's thoughts lengthen in the afternoon, when the twin suns sink into the gulf. His mind will bear forever the memory of the wretched yet inevitable tale of Toona's Demise. Nor can he forget the passages written foretelling the ascendancy of the ancient and monstrous Senior Partner, with her black-tongued hymns about pregnancy. "Everyone's pretty much agreed," DVox whispered into the blackness of his bedchamber, knowing that no one was listening and no one would care.

In his despair, DVox prayed to God for the first time in decades -- prayed for God to curse the writers of that black thread, as the writers have cursed the world with this beautiful, stupendous creation, terrible in its simplicity, irresistible in its truth -- a world which now trembles before the Law Megathread. It is well known how the Megathread spread like an infectious disease, from city to city, from continent to continent, barred out here, confiscated there, denounced by press and pulpit, censured even by the most advanced of literary anarchists. No definite principles had been violated in those wicked pages, no doctrine promulgated, no convictions outraged. It could not be judged by any known standard, yet, although it was acknowledged that the supreme note of art had been struck in "The Law Megathread" all felt that human nature could not bear the strain nor thrive on words in which the essence of purest poison lurked.

# ? Dec 13, 2019 17:04

Toona the Cat: Jun 9, 2004; The Greatest

# ? Dec 13, 2019 17:10

Arcturas: Mar 30, 2011

The perfect Christmas present.

# ? Dec 13, 2019 17:14

Look Sir Droids: Jan 27, 2015; The tracks go off in this direction.

lol goddamn

# ? Dec 13, 2019 17:17

joat mon: Oct 15, 2009; I am the master of my lamp;
I am the captain of my tub.

A beautiful, monstrous thing.

# ? Dec 13, 2019 17:53

Phil Moscowitz: Feb 19, 2007; If blood be the price of admiralty,
Lord God, we ha' paid in full!

Amazing

# ? Dec 13, 2019 18:40

Nonexistence: Jan 6, 2014

Add to OP

# ? Dec 13, 2019 19:17

Phil Moscowitz: Feb 19, 2007; If blood be the price of admiralty,
Lord God, we ha' paid in full!

Nonexistence posted:

Add to OP

Yes

# ? Dec 13, 2019 19:22

mastershakeman: Oct 28, 2008; by vyelkin

Vox Nihili posted:

"The lawyers had been protesting over the alleged mistreatment of some of their colleagues by hospital staff last month.

But the final trigger for the violence appears to have been a video posted on social media by a doctor on Tuesday night in which he poked fun at the lawyers."

We DEMAND to be taken seriously.

Here's a video of the attack, led by a disgraced lawyer who was too good at his job , got a not guilty verdict, and put on a leather jacket

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6GUweXT2eo

# ? Dec 13, 2019 19:49

mikeraskol: May 3, 2006; Oh yeah. I was killing you.

Soothing Vapors posted:

In his despair, DVox prayed to God for the first time in decades -- prayed for God to curse the writers of that black thread, as the writers have cursed the world with this beautiful, stupendous creation, terrible in its simplicity, irresistible in its truth -- a world which now trembles before the Law Megathread. It is well known how the Megathread spread like an infectious disease, from city to city, from continent to continent, barred out here, confiscated there, denounced by press and pulpit, censured even by the most advanced of literary anarchists. No definite principles had been violated in those wicked pages, no doctrine promulgated, no convictions outraged. It could not be judged by any known standard, yet, although it was acknowledged that the supreme note of art had been struck in "The Law Megathread" all felt that human nature could not bear the strain nor thrive on words in which the essence of purest poison lurked.

# ? Dec 13, 2019 19:59

Eminent Domain: Sep 23, 2007

Soothing Vapors posted:

During his convalescence, Discendo Vox had bookmarked and read for the first time "Law Megathread: Turn Your House Into A Law Degree." He remembered after finishing the first three hundred pages that it occurred to him that he had better stop. He started up and flung his laptop into the fireplace; the laptop struck the barred grate and fell open on the hearth in the fire-light. If DVox had not caught a glimpse of the opening words of the three hundred and first page he should never have finished it, but as he stooped to pick it up his eyes became riveted to the open page, and with a cry of terror -- or perhaps it was of joy so poignant that he suffered in every nerve -- he snatched the laptop from the hearth and crept shaking to his bedroom, where he read it and reread it, and wept and laughed and trembled with a horror which at times assails him yet. This is the thing that troubles him, for he cannot forget Throatwarbler's palace in Dubai, where black stars hang in the heavens. He cannot escape the memory of Phil Moskewitz's New Orleans slave plantation, where the shadows of men's thoughts lengthen in the afternoon, when the twin suns sink into the gulf. His mind will bear forever the memory of the wretched yet inevitable tale of Toona's Demise. Nor can he forget the passages written foretelling the ascendancy of the ancient and monstrous Senior Partner, with her black-tongued hymns about pregnancy. "Everyone's pretty much agreed," DVox whispered into the blackness of his bedchamber, knowing that no one was listening and no one would care.

In his despair, DVox prayed to God for the first time in decades -- prayed for God to curse the writers of that black thread, as the writers have cursed the world with this beautiful, stupendous creation, terrible in its simplicity, irresistible in its truth -- a world which now trembles before the Law Megathread. It is well known how the Megathread spread like an infectious disease, from city to city, from continent to continent, barred out here, confiscated there, denounced by press and pulpit, censured even by the most advanced of literary anarchists. No definite principles had been violated in those wicked pages, no doctrine promulgated, no convictions outraged. It could not be judged by any known standard, yet, although it was acknowledged that the supreme note of art had been struck in "The Law Megathread" all felt that human nature could not bear the strain nor thrive on words in which the essence of purest poison lurked.

# ? Dec 13, 2019 22:01

Nice piece of fish: Jan 29, 2008; Ultra Carp

Nonexistence posted:

Add to OP

Do it. It must be done.

In unrelated apropos: Milk punch was a smashing hit at the office party and I have reached hereto unforeseen levels of popularity. Reactions range from "most christmasy drink ever" to "this is loving delicious do you have more?". Women swoon as I pass. Gentlemen applaud. Thank you Phil, I owe it all to you (but I will never mention that, sorry).

# ? Dec 13, 2019 23:22

SlothBear: Jan 25, 2009

Soothing Vapors posted:

During his convalescence, Discendo Vox had bookmarked and read for the first time "Law Megathread: Turn Your House Into A Law Degree." He remembered after finishing the first three hundred pages that it occurred to him that he had better stop. He started up and flung his laptop into the fireplace; the laptop struck the barred grate and fell open on the hearth in the fire-light. If DVox had not caught a glimpse of the opening words of the three hundred and first page he should never have finished it, but as he stooped to pick it up his eyes became riveted to the open page, and with a cry of terror -- or perhaps it was of joy so poignant that he suffered in every nerve -- he snatched the laptop from the hearth and crept shaking to his bedroom, where he read it and reread it, and wept and laughed and trembled with a horror which at times assails him yet. This is the thing that troubles him, for he cannot forget Throatwarbler's palace in Dubai, where black stars hang in the heavens. He cannot escape the memory of Phil Moskewitz's New Orleans slave plantation, where the shadows of men's thoughts lengthen in the afternoon, when the twin suns sink into the gulf. His mind will bear forever the memory of the wretched yet inevitable tale of Toona's Demise. Nor can he forget the passages written foretelling the ascendancy of the ancient and monstrous Senior Partner, with her black-tongued hymns about pregnancy. "Everyone's pretty much agreed," DVox whispered into the blackness of his bedchamber, knowing that no one was listening and no one would care.

In his despair, DVox prayed to God for the first time in decades -- prayed for God to curse the writers of that black thread, as the writers have cursed the world with this beautiful, stupendous creation, terrible in its simplicity, irresistible in its truth -- a world which now trembles before the Law Megathread. It is well known how the Megathread spread like an infectious disease, from city to city, from continent to continent, barred out here, confiscated there, denounced by press and pulpit, censured even by the most advanced of literary anarchists. No definite principles had been violated in those wicked pages, no doctrine promulgated, no convictions outraged. It could not be judged by any known standard, yet, although it was acknowledged that the supreme note of art had been struck in "The Law Megathread" all felt that human nature could not bear the strain nor thrive on words in which the essence of purest poison lurked.

Changed my mind, this for thread title.

# ? Dec 14, 2019 00:41

Ani: Jun 15, 2001; illum non populi fasces, non purpura regum / flexit et infidos agitans discordia fratres

Soothing Vapors posted:

During his convalescence, Discendo Vox had bookmarked and read for the first time "Law Megathread: Turn Your House Into A Law Degree." He remembered after finishing the first three hundred pages that it occurred to him that he had better stop. He started up and flung his laptop into the fireplace; the laptop struck the barred grate and fell open on the hearth in the fire-light. If DVox had not caught a glimpse of the opening words of the three hundred and first page he should never have finished it, but as he stooped to pick it up his eyes became riveted to the open page, and with a cry of terror -- or perhaps it was of joy so poignant that he suffered in every nerve -- he snatched the laptop from the hearth and crept shaking to his bedroom, where he read it and reread it, and wept and laughed and trembled with a horror which at times assails him yet. This is the thing that troubles him, for he cannot forget Throatwarbler's palace in Dubai, where black stars hang in the heavens. He cannot escape the memory of Phil Moskewitz's New Orleans slave plantation, where the shadows of men's thoughts lengthen in the afternoon, when the twin suns sink into the gulf. His mind will bear forever the memory of the wretched yet inevitable tale of Toona's Demise. Nor can he forget the passages written foretelling the ascendancy of the ancient and monstrous Senior Partner, with her black-tongued hymns about pregnancy. "Everyone's pretty much agreed," DVox whispered into the blackness of his bedchamber, knowing that no one was listening and no one would care.

In his despair, DVox prayed to God for the first time in decades -- prayed for God to curse the writers of that black thread, as the writers have cursed the world with this beautiful, stupendous creation, terrible in its simplicity, irresistible in its truth -- a world which now trembles before the Law Megathread. It is well known how the Megathread spread like an infectious disease, from city to city, from continent to continent, barred out here, confiscated there, denounced by press and pulpit, censured even by the most advanced of literary anarchists. No definite principles had been violated in those wicked pages, no doctrine promulgated, no convictions outraged. It could not be judged by any known standard, yet, although it was acknowledged that the supreme note of art had been struck in "The Law Megathread" all felt that human nature could not bear the strain nor thrive on words in which the essence of purest poison lurked.

Law Megathread: the ascendancy of the ancient and monstrous Senior Partner

Separately, for folks at firms: I'm on a transaction now where the paralegal has done way more than expected and really saved our asses. Would it be weird to get him a Christmas gift, and if so, is there a "market" standard for it (similar to how in biglaw you typically give your admin assistance $100 x class year)?

# ? Dec 14, 2019 00:55

joat mon: Oct 15, 2009; I am the master of my lamp;
I am the captain of my tub.

SlothBear posted:

Changed my mind, this for thread title.

Law Megathread: Repairer of Reputations

Lawgoons: The Thread in Yellow

# ? Dec 14, 2019 00:56

BigHead: Jul 25, 2003; Huh?; Nap Ghost

That's pretty awesome SV

# ? Dec 14, 2019 00:58

nm: Jan 28, 2008; "I saw Minos the Space Judge holding a golden sceptre and passing sentence upon the Martians. There he presided, and around him the noble Space Prosecutors sought the firm justice of space law."

SlothBear posted:

Changed my mind, this for thread title.

I'm more curious if red text has a character limit.

# ? Dec 14, 2019 01:04

EwokEntourage: Jun 10, 2008; BREYER: Actually, Antonin, you got it backwards. See, a power bottom is actually generating all the dissents by doing most of the work.

SCALIA: Stephen, I've heard that speed has something to do with it.

BREYER: Speed has everything to do with it.

Nice piece of fish posted:

Do it. It must be done.

In unrelated apropos: Milk punch was a smashing hit at the office party and I have reached hereto unforeseen levels of popularity. Reactions range from "most christmasy drink ever" to "this is loving delicious do you have more?". Women swoon as I pass. Gentlemen applaud. Thank you Phil, I owe it all to you (but I will never mention that, sorry).

Lol I too showed up to the office with milk punch

Ani posted:

Law Megathread: the ascendancy of the ancient and monstrous Senior Partner

Separately, for folks at firms: I'm on a transaction now where the paralegal has done way more than expected and really saved our asses. Would it be weird to get him a Christmas gift, and if so, is there a "market" standard for it (similar to how in biglaw you typically give your admin assistance $100 x class year)?

Also is there an opposite Christmas gift of this where the paralegal just makes your job horrible and fucks up constantly but will never be fired

# ? Dec 14, 2019 01:54

joat mon: Oct 15, 2009; I am the master of my lamp;
I am the captain of my tub.

EwokEntourage posted:

Lol I too showed up to the office with milk punch

Also is there an opposite Christmas gift of this where the paralegal just makes your job horrible and fucks up constantly but will never be fired

A scholarship to Thomas Jefferson?

# ? Dec 14, 2019 02:14

Pook Good Mook: Aug 6, 2013; ENFORCE THE UNITED STATES DRESS CODE AT ALL COSTS!

This message paid for by the Men's Wearhouse& Jos A Bank Lobbying Group

I really can't get into specifics, but I have to vent.

We have a guy speed-running a license suspension in my county that is methodically accusing every attorney in the office of misconduct. It started about a month ago with him stumbling through all his cases and filings. Two judges reached out to him to try and give him some low-key advice and the head of the local public defender's office tried to talk to him. Recently he's taken to threatening witnesses with subpoenas outside of the deposition process if they don't come to his office to talk with him.

Selfishly I'm enjoying the show the same way I enjoy "working" with sovcits. War stories like this are extremely my jam.

# ? Dec 14, 2019 05:09

sullat: Jan 9, 2012

EwokEntourage posted:

Lol I too showed up to the office with milk punch

Also is there an opposite Christmas gift of this where the paralegal just makes your job horrible and fucks up constantly but will never be fired

Whiskey? Meth?

# ? Dec 14, 2019 07:21

Discendo Vox: Mar 21, 2013; We don't need to have that dialogue because it's obvious, trivial, and has already been had a thousand times.

So tired of people just feeding a neural net and posting it ( :golfclap:

)

# ? Dec 14, 2019 10:33

Jean-Paul Shartre: Jan 16, 2015; this sentence no verb

Ani posted:

Separately, for folks at firms: I'm on a transaction now where the paralegal has done way more than expected and really saved our asses. Would it be weird to get him a Christmas gift, and if so, is there a "market" standard for it (similar to how in biglaw you typically give your admin assistance $100 x class year)?

Honestly, I'd take her/him out for a nice lunch or fancy drinks after work and with, if they're down, someone else on the deal team too, and specify it's a thank you for the work. I totally get wanting to give money, and I've been there, but I'd worry about blowback if word gets to the other paras that this one just got [X]00 cash or expectation-setting where that becomes the new norm, since, if yours are anything like ours were they don't know when not to talk about everything happening to them to everyone.

# ? Dec 15, 2019 14:40

Kalman: Jan 17, 2010

JohnCompany posted:

Honestly, I'd take her/him out for a nice lunch or fancy drinks after work and with, if they're down, someone else on the deal team too, and specify it's a thank you for the work. I totally get wanting to give money, and I've been there, but I'd worry about blowback if word gets to the other paras that this one just got [X]00 cash or expectation-setting where that becomes the new norm, since, if yours are anything like ours were they don't know when not to talk about everything happening to them to everyone.

Similar but I�d tell them to go out for a nice dinner with their SO (if they have one) and give me the receipt to reimburse them, so they don�t have to have dinner with their supervising attorney as a �thank you.�

# ? Dec 15, 2019 19:07

Ani: Jun 15, 2001; illum non populi fasces, non purpura regum / flexit et infidos agitans discordia fratres

Kalman posted:

Similar but I�d tell them to go out for a nice dinner with their SO (if they have one) and give me the receipt to reimburse them, so they don�t have to have dinner with their supervising attorney as a �thank you.�

This is a good idea - will do this.

# ? Dec 16, 2019 02:08

Residency Evil: Jul 28, 2003; 4/5 godo... Schumi

Kalman posted:

Similar but I�d tell them to go out for a nice dinner with their SO (if they have one) and give me the receipt to reimburse them, so they don�t have to have dinner with their supervising attorney as a �thank you.�

Nah, this puts the onus on the recipient to decide how "nice" of a dinner to have.

# ? Dec 16, 2019 03:01

Kalman: Jan 17, 2010

Residency Evil posted:

Nah, this puts the onus on the recipient to decide how "nice" of a dinner to have.

I mean you can give them a cap if you want/worry about that, but I�d rather they pick their own feelings on niceness (and be ready to pay whatever they pick) than force them to spend non-work time with me as a �reward�.

(If you�re really worried but also don�t want to say �up to $X�, just suggest a restaurant in the right price class that you like.)

# ? Dec 16, 2019 03:13

SlyFrog: May 16, 2007; What? One name? Who are you, Seal?

Suggest Dorsia at first, but then say, "No, not Dorsia for you. How does Red Lobster sound? Huh? Red Lobster?," in your best Judge Smails voice.

# ? Dec 16, 2019 03:17

Residency Evil: Jul 28, 2003; 4/5 godo... Schumi

Kalman posted:

I mean you can give them a cap if you want/worry about that, but I�d rather they pick their own feelings on niceness (and be ready to pay whatever they pick) than force them to spend non-work time with me as a �reward�.

(If you�re really worried but also don�t want to say �up to $X�, just suggest a restaurant in the right price class that you like.)

Sure, but would you be ok if they spent $1200 on a tasting menu/wine pairing?

FWIW, I just give my staff Amazon gift cards at the end of the year. Sure, it's essentially cash, but at least they don't have to grab dinner with me. :v:

SlyFrog posted:

Suggest Dorsia at first, but then say, "No, not Dorsia for you. How does Red Lobster sound? Huh? Red Lobster?," in your best Judge Smails voice.

Yeah exactly.

# ? Dec 16, 2019 03:32

dpkg chopra: Jun 9, 2007; Fast Food Fight; Grimey Drawer

Tell them to take off a Monday or something like that. A long weekend must be like crack to them

# ? Dec 16, 2019 04:31

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# ? May 16, 2024 14:00

Kalman: Jan 17, 2010

Residency Evil posted:

Sure, but would you be ok if they spent $1200 on a tasting menu/wine pairing?

I mean... if I�m telling them to go out for a nice dinner with their SO and not putting a limit on it, yes? I probably wouldn�t offer that paralegal dinner again if they did that, but I never ran into the issue. In practice, usually wound up covering 200-300 for their dinner because my paralegals were professionals who knew they�d work with me again and weren�t trying to screw me for being nice to them.

E: gift card or cash are also totally acceptable thank you gifts, tho.

# ? Dec 16, 2019 07:33

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Ask/Tell > Business, Finance, and Careers > Law Megathread: the stunner off the top rope that everyone but the defense saw coming

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