/r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > /r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

ziasquinn: Jan 1, 2006; Fallen Rib

every single post is just

dude posting it : my (39M) gf (19F) of 5 years wont have sex with me anymore!! How do i kill her and make it look like an accident??

woman posting it : My (24F) bf (30M) of 3 months wants to kill me, am i overreacting or not being loving enough???

# ? Jan 10, 2020 19:24

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# ? May 29, 2024 20:10

Sjs00: Jun 29, 2013; Yeah Baby Yeah !

star eater posted:

every single post is just

dude posting it : my (39M) gf (19F) of 5 years wont have sex with me anymore!! How do i kill her and make it look like an accident??

woman posting it : My (24F) bf (30M) of 3 months wants to kill me, am i overreacting or not being loving enough???

normies amirite

# ? Jan 10, 2020 19:27

Literally A Person: Jan 1, 1970; Smugworth Wuz Here

star eater posted:

every single post is just

dude posting it : my (39M) gf (19F) of 5 years wont have sex with me anymore!! How do i kill her and make it look like an accident??

woman posting it : My (24F) bf (30M) of 3 months wants to kill me, am i overreacting or not being loving enough???

# ? Jan 10, 2020 19:27

mortons stork: Oct 13, 2012

AITA for not letting my bf have any input on my pregnancy after he asked me for a paternity test?

quote:

My boyfriend and I were together for 9 months. He was my 3rd boyfriend (I'm 26 F) and the only guy I have ever had sex with. Basically I grew up in a very repressive culture and family where premarital sex was big taboo especially for girls. It took me a long time to get over that.

He knows all this. We were friends for 2 years and then dated for 6 months before we had sex and I told him about all my issues. He was the first guy I trusted enough to sleep with him.

We were using condoms and bc pills and I really don't know what happened. I already felt so guilty because I felt I must have screwed up somehow. We had already discussed previously how neither of us wanted kids right now.

I went to talk to him before booking an abortion and the first thing he said was he wants a paternity test because 2 bc methods shouldn't have failed. I was so hurt that he could trust me so little after all the trust I put in him and that he thought I was the kind of person to cheat. Also I kind of started to believe what my mom always said that all guys think that girls who have premarital sex are just easy sluts.

So I told him since he didn't think it was his kid that meant his opinion on how to go forward was irrelevant. I broke up with him right then, even though he started saying that's not what he meant and he just wanted to be sure and then talk aboutwhat to do. I left, blocked him on all social media, got the abortion and never had any contact with him again. We have a lot of mutual friends and they have taken sides. Some think even if he did imply I cheated on him, since the baby was his, he should have had some say.

Shining beacon of Petra energy for all to see and take example from. There are a few sparse guys going 'how dare you he had the right to ask for a paternity test' and they are all idiots

# ? Jan 10, 2020 19:29

Literally A Person: Jan 1, 1970; Smugworth Wuz Here

mortons stork posted:

AITA for not letting my bf have any input on my pregnancy after he asked me for a paternity test?

Shining beacon of Petra energy for all to see and take example from. There are a few sparse guys going 'how dare you he had the right to ask for a paternity test' and they are all idiots

Rock on only smart lady on reddit.

# ? Jan 10, 2020 19:32

Meme Poker Party: Sep 1, 2006; by Azathoth

Since the guy didn't want kids either, and she aborted the baby, sounds like everything worked out? Like "he had no input" seems irrelevant. She took the course of action they both wanted, and the relationship was obviously shot regardless. There's no conflict here.

It's a happy ending for everyone!

# ? Jan 10, 2020 19:40

avoid doorways: Jun 6, 2010; 'twas brillig; Gun Saliva

wait 10 years, borrow a friend's kid, show up at that guy's house and tell him he owes her a decade of unpaid child support

# ? Jan 10, 2020 19:41

cumshitter: Sep 27, 2005; by Fluffdaddy

I'm a gay elemental from the gay realm.

# ? Jan 10, 2020 19:42

Meme Poker Party: Sep 1, 2006; by Azathoth

Also lol @ posters celebrating "powerful petra energy" about a story in which a woman emerges from an experience believing that, actually, premarital sex is bad and makes you a slut, just like my conservative parents warned me.

# ? Jan 10, 2020 19:43

goethe.cx: Apr 23, 2014

cumshitter posted:

I'm gay

# ? Jan 10, 2020 19:43

HIJK: Nov 25, 2012; in the room where you sleep

mortons stork posted:

AITA for not letting my bf have any input on my pregnancy after he asked me for a paternity test?

Shining beacon of Petra energy for all to see and take example from. There are a few sparse guys going 'how dare you he had the right to ask for a paternity test' and they are all idiots

Ice cold, I love it

# ? Jan 10, 2020 19:45

ad090: Oct 4, 2013; claws for alarm

My favorite comment on that "You need to calm down and stop making stuff up. Asking for a paternity test does not equal accusing someone of cheating. What it does likely mean from his perspective is that he just wants the truth of whether or not the baby is his."

# ? Jan 10, 2020 19:52

Literally A Person: Jan 1, 1970; Smugworth Wuz Here

Honey, I don't htink you're a cheating slut but I'd like you to take this cheating slut test. What? Why are you getting angry about this?

# ? Jan 10, 2020 19:54

sephiRoth IRA: Jun 13, 2007; "Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

ad090 posted:

My favorite comment on that "You need to calm down and stop making stuff up. Asking for a paternity test does not equal accusing someone of cheating. What it does likely mean from his perspective is that he just wants the truth of whether or not the baby is his."

Oh that makes me so goddamn mad. �Listen, this isn�t an accusation, I just can�t be sure you�re not hopping on every dick that pops up in your general vicinity!�

:vd:

# ? Jan 10, 2020 19:55

therobit: Aug 19, 2008; I've been tryin' to speak with you for a long time

Chomp8645 posted:

Also lol @ posters celebrating "powerful petra energy" about a story in which a woman emerges from an experience believing that, actually, premarital sex is bad and makes you a slut, just like my conservative parents warned me.

Yeah, sex usually get bad after you get married.

# ? Jan 10, 2020 19:58

MightyJoe36: Dec 29, 2013; Cat Army

Ghost Leviathan posted:

An entire generation whose parents were too bashful/disinterested/destroyed by religion to give their kids anything resembling useful sex ed and health education and assumed that the schools would do it, while the schools mostly didn't.

Sounds like my generation.

# ? Jan 10, 2020 20:05

Pinecone Sample: Oct 12, 2010; THIS ACCOUNT HAS BEEN SEIZED
by the United States Federal Bureau of Investigation in accordance with a seizure warrant issued pursuant to 69 U.S.C Sec. 420

My (28F) husband (28M) attended a bachelor party where the groom (28M) did cocaine and hooked up with a stripper. We told the bride (24F). Are we horrible friends?

quote:

I’ll call my husband Mike. The bride and groom to be are Andrea and Colton.

My husband and Colton have been friends since college - they were freshman year roommates. Colton was the wild guy - the kid who partied instead of going to class. By contrast, my husband is studious and climbing up the ladder in the financial industry.

We’re now 28. Colton and Mike have remained friends but aren’t close - Colton still parties all the time. Colton started dating a truly nice girl, Andrea, about a year and a half ago. We love her and she “tames” him. They got engaged quickly. We never imagined Colton settling down and were thrilled for him!

Mike was asked to be a groomsman. We were a bit surprised, but he gladly accepted. This past weekend was Colton’s bachelor party out of state. It was a Thursday to Monday deal. For some reason, Mike was saddled with much of the planning responsibilities, but he was ultimately looking forward to the weekend.

Saturday morning, I get a call from Mike. He says he was in a Lyft and was going to the airport and he’d explain everything when he got home. Mike explained to me that night that strippers came to the bachelor party. There was cocaine. And the big kahuna of it all— strippers were offering “private room” shows. Some of the guys paid for this... Colton included. Mike walked in on Colton getting a hand job from the stripper. An argument ensued and Mike left the next day.

We both knew Andrea is pretty conservative. She hardly drinks and definitely didn’t want cocaine at the party, let alone strippers. Understandably, she definitely did NOT want her fiancé to get a hand job from a stripper!

Mike and I made a decision together to take Andrea Chinese food on Monday and tell her. And this is where poo poo really got ugly. We also decided we will NOT attend the wedding if it still takes place.

Andrea said we ruined her fairytale (?) and her wedding. The other guys at the party were texting Mike as he left that he was being a “bad friend.” Since we told Andrea, we’ve both been harassed with texts that “what happens at a party stays there” and “bros before hoes.” Mike responded to one of them to only say “Andrea and my wife aren’t hoes.”

Mike got a call from Colton’s mom last night. Colton’s mom thinks Colton can never do anything wrong- he got a DUI some years ago and his mom took him out for drinks because he was so upset and treated so poorly. She said it’s horrible Mike would back out of the wedding and “boys will be boys.” She insists so much $$ has been paid and we’re causing them to lose all these nonrefundable deposits by “blabbing.” He hung up on Linda after she made an unkind comment about me.

Are we assholes? Should we have not told Andrea? Should Mike have stayed a groomsman?

TL;DR: my husband went to a bachelor party. There was cocaine and the groom got a hand job. He left early, came home, and we told the bride to be. Now we’re being harassed with phone calls about how lovely we are.

# ? Jan 10, 2020 20:09

Pinecone Sample: Oct 12, 2010; THIS ACCOUNT HAS BEEN SEIZED
by the United States Federal Bureau of Investigation in accordance with a seizure warrant issued pursuant to 69 U.S.C Sec. 420

I just have one question.

Is "take Andrea Chinese food" a typo or regionalism?

Two questions, I guess, is the wedding happening, also.

# ? Jan 10, 2020 20:11

TyrsHTML: May 13, 2004

ad090 posted:

My favorite comment on that "You need to calm down and stop making stuff up. Asking for a paternity test does not equal accusing someone of cheating. What it does likely mean from his perspective is that he just wants the truth of whether or not the baby is his."

This is so loving stupid it made my goddamn brain stop for a moment. I loving hate this person.

# ? Jan 10, 2020 20:11

DemoneeHo: Nov 9, 2017; Come on hee-ho, just give us 300 more macca

I might have gone a little overboard with spoilers, but believe me it's worth it

AITA? I said my husband shouldn't try to help sick people on planes.

quote:

Ok guys. This is a fairly lighthearted one but I'd love to know: AITA? I promise that my husband and I do love each other!

This was a few years ago. My husband and one of his childhood friends Fred are both eagle scouts. I am not and was never in girl scouts or the like. My husband came home excitedly one day and said that Fred had been on a flight, and an announcement had been made asking "Is there a doctor on board?". Fred had gone up to the passenger and flight attendant to help. My husband thought that was super cool. I however did not have the expected reaction. I said "What? Why did HE go? He's not a medical professional, he's a programmer." My husband said "Yeah but we were Eagle scouts, we get tons of medical training so he could definitely help." I was a bit taken aback by that because I myself have worked in medicine for 5+ years and am a 3rd year medical student, and I don't know how qualified even I would feel in that situation. I continued "I mean I'm sure you got some wilderness med training but I really don't think an eagle scout is qualified. And anyway you're 30, that was over a decade ago that you would have received any training." He scoffed saying that he definitely remembered what he was told 15 years ago. "I can take a pulse and stuff, and I remember how to do CPR". I argued that yes, but so do the flight attendants, who are better trained to handle situations like these. By this point we were both a bit annoyed and he said "Well SOME help is better than none, right? And no one else had gone up yet and they were still paging for a doctor overhead." I disagreed, saying "But if other passengers see Fred going up to the front, they're going to think the situation is handled. Even if there's no doctor on board there are probably nurses or EMT's, who are a trillion times more qualified than an Eagle Scout. Even a med student would be more qualified than an EMT!"** (EDIT: I meant Eagle Scout, not EMT!!) My husband was somewhat mad by this point and said "You just don't know what being an Eagle Scout is like and you don't respect it. I'm glad he went to help- someone needed to! I would've done the same! And it wouldn't prevent other people from coming to help too." I just said "Well I disagree, it was very noble of him to try to help but I think he should probably stay out of it, because others won't think they have to come forward, or because he might accidentally give bad medical advice that could harm the patient." My husband said "Well if you were sick on a plane I would hope someone would come help," and I said "Well I would hope that person was more qualified than an freaking Eagle Scout". We both just kind of huffed off for a while.

So...AITA?

Tl;Dr, I said an eagle scout is unqualified to provide medical assistance and he should keep out of it. AITA?

# ? Jan 10, 2020 20:14

cumshitter: Sep 27, 2005; by Fluffdaddy

It's good that Andrea isn't getting married to someone who sounds like an irresponsible rear end in a top hat, but I get the feeling the dude would have left early and told Andrea even if the partying had been limited to coke and a pole dance.

# ? Jan 10, 2020 20:17

therobit: Aug 19, 2008; I've been tryin' to speak with you for a long time

Guys, we've been over this before. Handjobs are not cheating.

# ? Jan 10, 2020 20:24

pentyne: Nov 7, 2012

DemoneeHo posted:

I might have gone a little overboard with spoilers, but believe me it's worth it

AITA? I said my husband shouldn't try to help sick people on planes.

Caring about being an Eagle Scout is like wearing your high school letter jacket 20 years later and getting furious that people don't know your school almost won state one year.

Eagle Scout is completely meaningless the day after you leave the scouts. No one except other eagle scouts will ever care about your park ranger role play society.

# ? Jan 10, 2020 20:24

The Bramble: Mar 16, 2004

DemoneeHo posted:

I might have gone a little overboard with spoilers, but believe me it's worth it

AITA? I said my husband shouldn't try to help sick people on planes.

Samurai have nothing on Eagle Scouts when it comes to one's honor being besmirched. Scout's honor.

# ? Jan 10, 2020 20:27

avoid doorways: Jun 6, 2010; 'twas brillig; Gun Saliva

Can I expect my sex/dating life to improve in my 30s?

quote:

I must apologise in advance that this is a bit of a long post. I'm also uncertain if this is entirely fitting for this subreddit, but there are some aspects that certainly are, so I elected to post it here anyway.

I [29M] have had a relatively abyssmal sex/dating life since I lost my virginity at 25. For illustrative purposes, I'm reminded of that fact every time I open my bedside drawer and see two packs of condoms, one of which was the first pack I ever bought at 25. The other, I bought last year. Neither close to being empty.

Until the beginning of 2019, I could count the number of encounters I'd had using 10 fingers. But in August, I had a torrid fling with a girl I had really great mind-blowing sex with for the first time! She was really into me too. We lived an hour away from each other, and neither of us had cars, so we had a grand total of 4 encounters, until she dumped me 2 months ago.

I met another girl on Bumble in December with whom I seemed to have really amazing chemistry. Although we only indulged in mild foreplay as she wanted us to wait until we both got fully tested. And we agreed we'd get tested this week because we were both expecting to get our university funding coming in (both postgrads). We had a lot of common interests, and initially, there seemed to be a mutual excitement to get tested and jump each other's bones for the first time. She dumped me last week because she didn't feel like this aligned with what she wanted.

Anyways, I'm an introverted guy who used to struggle with a ridiculous amount of social anxiety, but have put in a lot of work into getting out of my shell and meeting new people. I've been so amazed at how many new people have come into my life in the last year - I could have never imagined having such a vibrant social life. I still struggle a bit with owning my sexuality when speaking with women (mostly due to having struggled with a lot of shame around sex), and I tend to 'appoint' myself into the friendzone more often than not. Regardless, I'm very comfortable with expressing my sexuality when in bed.

I initially wanted to explore sex through relationships that were more casual, but now feel more called to explore a more intimate relationship. I find that when I'm single (vast majority of the time so far), I'm mostly in a depressed (occasionally suicidal) and anticipatory state, constantly wondering when I'm going to attract a woman into my life who would actually not mind sticking around for a while, and be open to exploring a loving, intimate relationship with me. To what extent that mindset alone is detering that very thing from happening, I do not know. I have a strong sense that if I can cultivate a mindset of 'I'm enough', then love/sex/intimacy will start flowing into my life. I'm just really unsure how to get there.

The thing is that I have a variety of interests/hobbies, and I'm constantly working on becoming a better version of myself. And I do have an innate sense that if I do continue on that path, attracting a loving partner into my life is an eventuality. I just need to exercise some patience.

Long story short, can anyone who relates to my story give me some advice, and perhaps a glimpse of what I can expect in my 30s? Haha. I've just been feeling very depressed since my recent breakup, and just needed to vent. Thank you to everyone who read through

tl;dr I've recently been through two break-ups and in a pretty emotional state. Just want to vent about how I feel like I'm generally unable to attract and maintain an intimate relationship, and I'm hoping that by continuing to work on myself, things will change in my 30s.

# ? Jan 10, 2020 20:29

Pinecone Sample: Oct 12, 2010; THIS ACCOUNT HAS BEEN SEIZED
by the United States Federal Bureau of Investigation in accordance with a seizure warrant issued pursuant to 69 U.S.C Sec. 420

Licarn posted:

Can I expect my sex/dating life to improve in my 30s?

Haha.

# ? Jan 10, 2020 20:32

goethe.cx: Apr 23, 2014

Licarn posted:

Can I expect my sex/dating life to improve in my 30s?

I got to the third paragraph and thought �10 partners is a decent number, what�s the problem.� Then I realized he meant he�d had sex ten times in four years

# ? Jan 10, 2020 20:34

Meme Poker Party: Sep 1, 2006; by Azathoth

goethe.cx posted:

I got to the third paragraph and thought �10 partners is a decent number, what�s the problem.� Then I realized he meant he�d had sex ten times in four years

As hilarious and sad as it is you'd probably be surprised how common this really is. And there are plenty who get less than that. Millennials are bottoming out the sex statistics.

# ? Jan 10, 2020 20:43

La Brea Carpet: Nov 22, 2007; I have no mouth and I must post

Chomp8645 posted:

As hilarious and sad as it is you'd probably be surprised how common this really is. Millennials are bottoming out the sex statistics.

Some top them out. Others are switches.

But seriously though it seems as sex and sexuality has become less overall taboo the desire to have sex early and often in life has gone down somewhat.

Also the planet is dying and we have no money.

# ? Jan 10, 2020 20:45

Ouhei: Oct 23, 2008; Cat Army

cumshitter posted:

It's good that Andrea isn't getting married to someone who sounds like an irresponsible rear end in a top hat, but I get the feeling the dude would have left early and told Andrea even if the partying had been limited to coke and a pole dance.

I'd probably leave if there was coke too, but I guess I'm lame.

# ? Jan 10, 2020 20:47

Meme Poker Party: Sep 1, 2006; by Azathoth

La Brea Carpet posted:

But seriously though it seems as sex and sexuality has become less overall taboo the desire to have sex early and often in life has gone down somewhat.

Also the planet is dying and we have no money.

No money, dying planet, living at home, too many roommates, working too much, impossible schedules, rampant brain problems, technological isolation. There are probably dozens of contributing reasons. But it's all melting into one pot of millennials not loving so much.

# ? Jan 10, 2020 20:48

VanSandman: Feb 16, 2011; SWAP.AVI EXCHANGER

Chomp8645 posted:

As hilarious and sad as it is you'd probably be surprised how common this really is. And there are plenty who get less than that. Millennials are bottoming out the sex statistics.

Who's got time for sex? We're all broke and depressed.

# ? Jan 10, 2020 20:49

The Bramble: Mar 16, 2004

I'll have sex with the millennials. I'll save society...

# ? Jan 10, 2020 20:51

PHIZ KALIFA: Dec 21, 2011; #mood

hockey jockey posted:

Really?

That sounds fowl.

When it comes to birds and, heh, birds, everything is game. :getin:

# ? Jan 10, 2020 20:52

henkman: Oct 8, 2008

The Bramble posted:

I'll have sex with the millennials. I'll save society...

PM me

# ? Jan 10, 2020 20:55

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

Man you guys haven't seen the hack comedy bits about how boring Today's Youth are for drinking and having sex less?

# ? Jan 10, 2020 21:01

DACK FAYDEN: Feb 25, 2013; Bear Witness

I was skimming that one, kinda flipping ahead, and my eyes saw "postgrads" and my brain promptly read "prostate" and let me tell you that story was a lot less fun when I actually got to that line of text.

# ? Jan 10, 2020 21:02

Beachcomber: May 21, 2007; Another day in paradise.; Slippery Tilde

Every Eagle in our troop had rich parents, mediocre grades, and became the fratest guy who ever frated.

Not that I'm being all sour grapes. It's a huge time sink and I was president of NHS, German Language Honor Society, a third thing, heavily involved in yearbook and the student newspaper, literary magazine, 4.0 gpa...

How'd those rotten grapes get in a loving tree in the first place?

# ? Jan 10, 2020 21:13

Xenocides: Jan 14, 2008; This world looks very scary....

Uh-huh, sure:

My[30F] Boyfriend[47M] won't indulge in silly fantasies of our future

Some Background here. We've been together almost two years. He's "recently" (according to him) separated even though it's been a few years. I still haven't met his kids and it's become a bit of tension between us. He's been telling me for the last year that he will introduce me to them "soon". I have not pushed. Recently we've been having some real trouble and I've sat down with him and we've spoken about some things moving forward, specifically how he says he sees us together for a long time but won't take the steps towards a real future (eg, getting a divorce, meeting the kids). We talked it through and worked it out, or so I thought.

Last night we went out on a date night. Things were going well and I was chatting about things I wanted for my own wedding, laughing at how my mom had not taken it well that I didn't want a wedding ring due to my job. He plays antagonist and just starts badgering me about the things I would want. So I ask him how he foresaw his wedding. This turned into him demanding to know how much the wedding would cost. Like sir? I don't know. It's not real.

So I switched it to something less .... Money related? And just asked about a general future he foresaw together. He got tight-lipped and annoyed. Said he didn't think much past the now and takes it a day at a time. We aren't a new couple. We have been together awhile. He has said he wants to be with me forever. I'm getting kind of frustrated by this point.

We get home and he wants to talk about it. So we talk and I ask why he can't indulge me in these silly little fantasies. He sort of snaps back about "oh so you wanna just set a wedding date then?" And starts acting like I want a timeline of our relationship and that I want to map it all out. I'm so frustrated by this point that I just go to bed.

This morning we try to talk about it again but now his reasoning is that he can't "start all over" again. That he needs to consider that if we got a house what if I took half of it. We would need prenups. Honestly I just started crying and left.

I'm really starting to wonder if I need to just walk away from this. Would I not be better off with someone maybe closer to my own age who hasn't become jaded about it all and is willing to play along with these little fantasies 2 years in. Or am I overreacting to all this? Should I just be content in the now?

I don't know....

TL;DR separated boyfriend won't play pretend at a future together (even though he says himself he wants to be with me forever) because we may break up and I would take half his things.

Best comment:

You're the side piece

# ? Jan 10, 2020 21:16

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# ? May 29, 2024 20:10

Leon Einstein: Feb 6, 2012; I must win every thread in GBS. I don't care how much banal semantic quibbling and shitty posts it takes.

Imagine being that dumb at 30 years old.

# ? Jan 10, 2020 21:23

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