A Singularly Unpleasant Creature: Let's Read Flashman!

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McTimmy: Feb 29, 2008

aphid_licker posted:

Okay it seems p obvious how this ends, good ol Flashy found grasping the flag by the relieving British, with everyone else dead. Ain't that a bummer.

And he'll be a hero for it.

# ? Jan 25, 2020 21:24

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# ? Jun 10, 2024 15:17

feedmegin: Jul 30, 2008

aphid_licker posted:

Okay it seems p obvious how this ends, good ol Flashy found grasping the flag by the relieving British, with everyone else dead. Ain't that a bummer.

It's like you're psychic.

# ? Jan 25, 2020 22:26

withak: Jan 15, 2003; Fun Shoe

aphid_licker posted:

Okay it seems p obvious how this ends, good ol Flashy found grasping the flag by the relieving British, with everyone else dead. Ain't that a bummer.

Spoiler alert plz

# ? Jan 25, 2020 22:33

Selachian: Oct 9, 2012

Yeah, that wasn't a particularly hard guess, was it?

Flashman slowly wakes up in a warm bed in a pleasant sunny room, with his leg and head bandaged. A doctor comes in to check on him, telling him that his leg is broken but he should recover in a few months, and that he was rescued when General Sale was able to relieve the fort after all.

quote:

I had got clear away, from pursuing Afghans and relentless enemies and beastly-minded women and idiot commanders - I was snug in bed, and anyone who expected any more from Flashy - well, let him wish he might get it!

Then Flashman remembers Hudson, and wonders if he survived.

quote:

My last recollection was of seeing him hit and probably killed. But was he dead? He had better be, for my sake - for the memory of our latter relations was all too vivid in my mind, and it suddenly rushed in on me that if Hudson was alive, and talked, I was done for. He could swear to my cowardice, if he wanted to - would he dare? Would he be believed? He could prove nothing, but if he was known as a steady man - and I was sure he would be - he might well be listened to. It would mean my ruin, my disgrace - and while I hadn�t cared a button for these things when I believed death was closing in on me and everyone else in that fort, well, I cared most damnably for them now that I was safe again.

Oh, God, says I to myself, let him be dead; the sepoys, if any survived, don�t know, and wouldn�t talk if they did, or be believed. But Hudson - he must be dead!

Charitable thoughts, you�ll say. Aye, it�s a hard world, and while bastards like Hudson have their uses, they can be most inconvenient, too. I wanted him to be dead, then, as much as I ever wanted anything.

While Flashman is wishing Hudson dead, General Sale enters the room with several attendants.

quote:

...Sale strode forward and plumped down into a chair beside the bed, leaning forward to take my hand in his own. He held it gently in his big paw and gazed at me like a cow in milk.

�My boy!� says he, almost in a whisper. �My brave boy!�

Hullo, thinks I, this don�t sound too bad at all. But I had to find out, and quickly.

�Sir,� says I - and to my astonishment my voice came out in a hoarse quaver, it had been so long unused, I suppose - �sir, how is Sergeant Hudson?�

Sale gave a grunt as though he had been kicked, bowed his head, and then looked at the doctor and the gravedigger fellow with him. They both looked damned solemn.

�His first words,� says the little doctor, hauling out a handkerchief and snorting into it.

Sale shook his head sadly, and looked back at me.

�My boy,� says he, �it grieves me deeply to tell you that your comrade - Sergeant Hudson - is dead. He did not survive the last onslaught on Piper�s Fort.� He paused, staring at me compassionately, and then says: �He died -like a true soldier.�

��And Nicanor lay dead in his harness�,� says the gravedigger chap, taking a look at the ceiling. �He died in the fullness of his duty, and was not found wanting.�

�Thank God,� says I. �God help him, I mean - God rest him, that is.� Luckily my voice was so weak that they couldn�t hear more than a mumble. I looked downcast, and Sale squeezed my hand.

After praising Flashman's courage and heroism some more, Sale leaves him to recover.

quote:

And I was left not only relieved but amazed by what Sale had said - oh, the everyday compliments of people like Elphy Bey are one thing, but this was Sale, after all, the renowned Fighting Bob, whose courage was a byword. And he had said my deliverance was �the finest thing�, and that I had done my duty as few could have done it - why, he had talked as though I was a hero, to be reverenced with that astonishing pussy-footing worship which, for some reason, my century extended to its idols. They treated us (I can say �us�) as though we were too delicate to handle normally, like old Chinese pots.

Over the next few days, Flashman learns that the attack on Jallalabad has stalled, reinforcements are on the way, and Sale will be making a counterattack to break the siege any day now. Sale visits again to read him a letter he's sending to Lord Ellenborough, the new Governor-General in Delhi, recounting his version of how the battle of Piper's Fort really went:

quote:

�Lieutenant Flashman, as I learn from one of the sepoys, was in a case more suited to a hospital than to a battlefield, for he had evidently been prisoner of the Afghans, who had flogged him most shockingly, so that he was unable to stand, and must lie in the fort tower. His companion, Sergeant Hudson, assisted most gallantly in the defence, until Lieutenant Flashman, despite his wounds, returned to the action.

�Charge after charge was resisted, and the enemy most bloodily repulsed. To us in Jallalabad, this un-expected check to the Sirdar�s advance was an advantage beyond price. It may well have been decisive.�

Well, Hudson, thinks I, that was what you wanted, and you got it, for all the good it did you.
Meanwhile, Sale laid off for a minute, took a wipe at his eye, and started in again, trying not to quaver. I suspect he was enjoying his emotion.

�But there was no way in which we could succour Piper�s Fort at this time, and, the enemy bringing forward cannon, the walls were breached in several places. I had now resolved on a sortie, to do what could be done for our comrades, and Colonel Dennie advanced to their relief. In a sharp engagement over the very ruins of the fort - for it had been pounded almost to pieces by the guns - the Afghans were entirely routed, and we were able to make good the position and withdraw the survivors of the garrison which had held it so faithfully and well.�

I thought the old fool was going to weep, but he took a great pull at himself and proceeded:

�With what grief do I write that of these there remained only five? The gallant Hudson was slain, and at first it seemed that no European was left alive. Then Lieutenant Flashman was found, wounded and unconscious, by the ruins of the gate, where he had taken his final stand in defence not only of the fort, but of his country�s honour. For he was found, in the last extremity, with the colours clutched to his broken body, his face to the foemen, defiant even unto death.�

Hallelujah and good-night, sweet prince, says I to myself, what a shame I hadn�t a broken sword and a ring of my slain around me. But I thought too soon.

�The bodies of his enemies lay before him,� says old Bob, �At first it was thought he was dead, but to our great joy it was discovered that the flame of life still flickered. I cannot think that there was ever a nobler deed than this and I only wish that our countrymen at home might have seen it, and learned with what selfless devotion their honour is protected even at the ends of the earth.�

(...)

Well, thinks I, if that�s how we won the battle of Waterloo, thank God the French don�t know or we shall have them at us again. Who ever heard such humbug? But it was glorious to listen to, mind you, and I glowed at the thought of it. This was fame! I didn�t understand, then, how the news of Kabul and Gandamack would make England shudder, and how that vastly conceited and indignant public would clutch at any straw that might heal their national pride and enable them to repeat the old and nonsensical lie that one Englishman is worth twenty foreigners. But I could still guess what effect Sale�s report would have on a new Governor-General, and through him on the government and country, especially by contrast with the accounts of the inglorious shambles by Elphy and McNaghten that must now be on their way home.

And Flashman, being Flashman, knows exactly how to play this.

quote:

It was up to me, so I looked Sale in the eye, man to man.

�You�ve done us great credit, sir,� says I. �Thank�ee. For the garrison, it�s no less then they deserve, but for myself, well you make it sound bit too much like St George and the Dragon, if you don�t mind my saying so. I just. . . well, pitched in with the rest, sir, that was all.�

# ? Jan 26, 2020 06:51

The Rat: Aug 29, 2004; You will find no one to help you here. Beth DuClare has been dissected and placed in cryonic storage.

The parts I find funniest in the Flashman books are those moments, when his superiors are grossly misinterpreting his outward actions in the aftermath, and what they say is entirely at odds with his own internal monologue.

# ? Jan 26, 2020 20:50

How are u: May 19, 2005; by Azathoth

If you're not hooked and excited for more Flashman after this moment then the series clearly isn't for you. It's delicious.

# ? Jan 27, 2020 00:12

Selachian: Oct 9, 2012

Flashman then tells his story about how he got separated from Elphinstone's column to Sale and his attendants, carefully editing out the parts about him deserting and about Narreeman, and taking credit for the escape from the rock fort cellar, because why not?

It isn't long before every officer in Jallalabad is turning up to shake Flashman's hand and tell him how amazing he is. Meanwhile, on April 7, Sale made his counterattack and drove Akbar away from Jallalabad. Nine days later, General Pollock turned up with reinforcements, and the British began making plans to sweep the passes and retake Kabul.

quote:

�You can stay here and take your well-earned repose while your leg mends,� says Fighting Bob, at which I decided a scowl and a mutter might be appropriate.

�I�d rather come along,� says I. �drat this infernal leg.�

�Why, hold on,� laughs Sale, �we�d have to carry you in a palankeen. Haven�t you had enough of Afghanistan?�

�Not while Akbar Khan�s above ground,� says I. �I�d like to take these splints and make him eat �em.�

Despite his bluster, Flashy is only too happy to take an easy trip back to Delhi, where he's once again welcomed as a hero by a public desperate to salvage anything from the horror of the retreat.

quote:

I got my first taste of this when I left Jallalabad in a palankeen, to go down the Khyber with a convoy, and the whole garrison turned out to hurrah me off. Then at Peshawar there was old Avitabile, the Italian rascal, who welcomed me with a guard of honour, kissed me on both cheeks, and made me and himself riotously drunk in celebration of my return. That night was memorable for one thing - I had my first woman for months, for Avitabile had in a couple of lively Afghan wenches, and we made splendid beasts of ourselves. It isn�t easy, I may say, handling a woman when your leg is broken, but where there�s a will there�s a way, and in spite of the fact that Avitabile was almost sick laughing at the spectacle of me getting my wench buckled to, I managed most satisfactorily.

From there it was the same all the way - at every town and camp there were garlands and congratulations and smiling faces and cheering, until I could almost believe I was a hero. The men gripped my hand, full of emotion, and the women kissed me and sniffled; colonels had my health drunk in their messes, Company men slapped me on the shoulder, an Irish subaltern and his young wife got me to stand godfather to their new son, who was launched into life with the appalling name of Flashman O�Toole, and the ladies of the Church Guild at Lahore presented me with a silk scarf in red, white, and blue with a scroll embroidered �Steadfast�. At Ludhiana a clergyman preached a tremendous sermon on the text, �Greater love hath no man than this that a man lay down his life for his friends� - he admitted, in a roundabout way, that I hadn�t actually laid down mine, but it hadn�t been for want of trying, and had been a damned near thing altogether. Better luck next time was about his view of it, and meanwhile hosannah and hurrah for Flashy, and let us now sing �Who would true valour see�.

At Delhi it's more of the same, with Lord Ellenborough throwing a dinner party in Flashman's honor and praising him to the skies as a conquering hero, while Flashman works at being modestly noble about the whole thing. And then Ellenborough privately tells him that he intends to send Flashy back to England as a reward and to publicize his (and Sale's) victories in the war. Flashman is thrilled to accept.

Before Flashy departs the subcontinent, here's a quick look at what happened in Afghanistan after he left:

Generals Sale, Pollock, and Nott collaborated in a punitive expedition against the Afghans over the course of August through November 1842, breaking through Akbar Khan's army and destroying and looting part of Kabul before retreating back to India. This marked the end of the British presence in Afghanistan � at least, until 1878.

Elphinstone's poor health finally caught up with him. He died of dysentery while one of Akbar's captives, and is buried in an unmarked grave somewhere in Afghanistan, which seems entirely appropriate.

Most of Akbar's other hostages, about 115-120 people, either ransomed themselves or were released as the British army neared Kabul. As mentioned earlier in this thread, about 2,000 native troops had also returned to Kabul after deserting Elphinstone's column, and some of them were able to return with Pollock's army, although others were left to their fate when the British retreated again.

Shelton, fairly or not, got tarred with much of the blame for the disaster of the retreat. He was court-martialed, and though most of the charges against him were dismissed, he was widely despised and vilified until his accidental death in 1845. By all accounts, Shelton was an abrasive rear end in a top hat and a terrible commander who made enemies of everyone around him � even his fellow hostages hated him. This made him a natural scapegoat, but Flashman (and Fraser) seems to have some sympathy with him for being put in an impossible position by Elphinstone's incompetence.

Lady Sale became a widow in 1845 after Fighting Bob died in battle against the Sikhs. She spent most of the rest of her life in India, but died in Cape Town in 1853. Mackenzie went on to have a long military and political career in Afghanistan and India, retiring as a lieutenant-general and passing away in 1881.

Shah Sujah, the British puppet king of Afghanistan, was assassinated not long after Elphinstone's retreat. After Pollock and Sale withdrew, Dost Mohammed returned to Afghanistan and ruled until his own death in 1863. Akbar Khan died suddenly in 1845 � possibly poisoned by his father when he got too ambitious. One of modern Kabul's poshest neighborhoods is named after him; many foreign embassies, including the U.S. and British, are located there.

Selachian fucked around with this message at 00:28 on Jan 27, 2020

# ? Jan 27, 2020 00:26

aphid_licker: Jan 7, 2009

How are u posted:

If you're not hooked and excited for more Flashman after this moment then the series clearly isn't for you. It's delicious.

Ya I've been wondering about that, I'm legit bummed about Hudson bc I'm such a fuckin sucker for how he was written to be this sort of young adult literature Good Man.

# ? Jan 27, 2020 00:36

Notahippie: Feb 4, 2003; Kids, it's not cool to have Shane MacGowan teeth

aphid_licker posted:

Ya I've been wondering about that, I'm legit bummed about Hudson bc I'm such a fuckin sucker for how he was written to be this sort of young adult literature Good Man.

Oh don't worry, there's lots more like him in the series. Flashman loves a good man because they're so much easier to manipulate than a scoundrel.

# ? Jan 27, 2020 23:30

Selachian: Oct 9, 2012

A four-month sea voyage only makes Flashy more excited to be reunited with Elspeth:

quote:

During the voyage my broken leg recovered almost entirely, but there was not much activity on shipboard anyway, and no women, and, boozing with the boys apart, I had a good deal of time to myself. This, and the absence of females, naturally turned me to thoughts of Elspeth; it was strange and delightful to think of going home to a wife, and I got that queasy feeling deep in my bowels whenever I found myself dreaming about her. It wasn�t all lust, either, not more than about nine-tenths -after all, she wasn�t going to be the only woman in England - but when I conjured up a picture of that lovely, placid face and blonde hair I got a tightness in my throat and a trembling in my hands that was quite apart from what the clergy call carnal appetites. It was the feeling I had experienced that first night I rattled her beside the Clyde -a kind of hunger for her presence and the sound of her voice and the dreamy stupidity of her blue eyes. I wondered if I was falling in love with her, and decided that I was, and that I didn�t care, anyway - which is a sure sign.

Arriving at his father's house, Flashman is surprised to find Judy still living there, but is quickly distracted by Elspeth and they spend an afternoon, ahem, getting reacquainted. Judy also joins the family for dinner, and Flashman starts getting a feeling that something's a bit odd going on. Later that night, he realizes something else is different about Elspeth, but he can't put his finger on what changed.

The next day, Flashy braces his father and tells him that Judy has to leave � he's going to get a lot of attention with his Afghan exploits, and it won't look good to have his father's mistress hanging around the house. He suggests sending her to the family's country house in Leicestershire, or getting her a place of her own. His father just shrugs and says that Elspeth likes Judy. Flashy doesn't see how that matters, so his father explains:

quote:

�We�re in Queer Street, Harry. I hardly know how, myself, but there it is. I suppose I�ve been running pretty fast, all my life, and not taking much account of how the money went - what are lawyers for, eh? I took some bad tumbles on the turf, never heeded the expenses of this place, or Leicestershire, didn�t stint any way at all - but it was the damned railway shares that really did the trick. Oh, there are fortunes being made out of �em - the right ones. I picked the wrong ones. A year ago I was a ruined man, up to my neck with the Jews, ready to be sold up. I didn�t write to you about it - what was the point? This house ain�t mine, nor our place in Leicestershire; it�s hers - or it will be, when old Morrison goes. God rot and drat him, it can�t be too soon.�

He jumped up and walked about, finally stopping before the fireplace.

�He met the bill, for his daughter�s sake. Oh, you should have seen it! More canting, head-wagging hypocrisy than I�ve seen in years in Parliament, even! He had the effrontery to stand in my own hall, by God, and tell me it was a judgement on him for letting his daughter marry beneath herself! Beneath herself, d�ye hear? And I had to listen to him, and keep myself from flooring the old swine! What could I do? I was the poor relation; I still am. He�s still paying the bills - through the simpering nitwit you married. He lets her have what she wants, and there you are!�

�But if he�s settled an allowance on her --�

�He�s settled nothing! She asks him, and he provides. Damned if I would if I was him - but, there, perhaps he thinks it worth while. He seems to dote on her, and I�ll say this for the chit, she�s not stingy. But she�s the pay-mistress, Harry, my son, and you�d best not forget it. You�re a kept man, d�you see, so it don�t become you, or me, to say who�ll come and who�ll go. And since your Elspeth is astonishingly liberal-minded - why, Miss Judy can stay, and be damned to you!�

After a moment's astonishment, Flashman starts making calculations.

quote:

While he splashed more brandy into his glass, I asked: �How much does he let her have?�

�Eh? I told you, whatever she wants. The old bastard seems to be warm enough for ten. But you can�t get your hands on it, I tell you.�

�Well, I don�t mind,� says I. �As long as the money�s there, it don�t signify who draws the orders.�

He gaped at me. �Jesus,� he said, in a choked voice, �have you no pride?�

�Probably as much as you have,� says I, very cool. �You�re still here, ain�t you?�

Flashy writes that he really doesn't care: when Morrison dies, he'll probably inherit Elspeth's share of the money anyway. And in the meantime, it's not like Elspeth is inclined to abuse her control of the family purse strings.

quote:

�What I have is yours, my love,� says she, with that melting look. �You know you have only to ask me for anything - anything at all.�

�Much obliged,� says I. �But it might be a little inconvenient, sometimes. I was thinking, if there was a regular payment, say, it would save all the tiresome business for you.�

�My father would not allow that, I�m afraid. He has been quite clear, you see.�

And Elspeth won't go against her father, so that's that: Flashy has to ask her when he needs spending money.

# ? Jan 29, 2020 00:44

Nooner: Mar 26, 2011; AN A+ OPSTER (:

I dont even know how I got linked to this thread but it loving rules, Flashman is like the Evil Mr. Bean

# ? Jan 29, 2020 21:36

Selachian: Oct 9, 2012

Nooner posted:

I dont even know how I got linked to this thread but it loving rules, Flashman is like the Evil Mr. Bean

The mind boggles at a potential Flashman/Blackadder crossover.

Flashman and Elspeth dive back into London society, with everyone hailing Flashman's alleged triumph, and much being made of him in the media:

quote:

The new comic paper Punch had a cartoon in its series of �Pencillings� which showed a heroic figure, something like me, wielding an enormous scimitar like a pantomime bandit, with hordes of blackamoors (they looked no more like Afghans than Eskimos) trying to wrest the Union Jack from me in vain. Underneath there was the caption: �A Flash(ing) Blade�, which give you some idea of the standard of humour in that journal.

Punch had just begun publication in 1841.

At parties, Elspeth is always surrounded by young soldiers eager to impress her, and while Flashy says he isn't jealous and even enjoys having attention paid to his wife, he's also a bit wary:

quote:

But I just kept an eye open, all the same, and cold-shouldered one or two when they came too close - there was one in particular, a young Life Guards captain called Watney, who was often at the house, and was her riding partner twice in the week; he was a tall, curly-lipped exquisite with a lazy eye, who made himself very easy at home until I gave him the about-turn.

�I can attend Mrs Flashman very well, thank�ee,� says I.

�None better,� says he, �I�m sure. I had only hoped that you might relinquish her for a half-hour or so.�

�Not for a minute,� says I.

�Oh, come now,� says he, patronising me, �this is very selfish. I am sure Mrs Flashman wouldn�t agree.�

�I�m sure she would.�

�Would you care to test it?� says he, with an infuriating smile. I could have boxed his ears, but I kept my temper very well.

�Go to the devil, you mincing pimp,� I told him, and left him standing in the hall. I went straight to Elspeth�s room, told her what had happened, and cautioned her against seeing Watney again.

�Which one is he?� she asked, admiring her hair in the mirror.

�Fellow with a face like a horse and a haw-haw voice.�

�There are so many like that,� says she. �I can�t tell one from the other. Harry, darling, would I look well with ringlets, do you think?�

(Calling Watney an �exquisite� isn't a compliment: in this usage, it means someone who's overly pretty and prissy, and when applied to a man has connotations of effeminacy and homosexuality � as �mincing pimp� should make clear.)

One day, Flashman heads out to the Horse Guards club to meet his Uncle Bindley, and gets introduced to the elderly Duke of Wellington. The Duke quizzes Flashy closely about the retreat, but seems impressed and comments to Bindley that they need to find a new regiment for him to serve in � Flashman may be the talk of the town now, but he's still not posh enough for Lord Cardigan and the 11th Hussars. The Duke also says that he'll be taking Flashman to meet the Queen that afternoon.

Flashy rushes home to find Elspeth and tell her they're going to see the Queen, but she's not home.

quote:

...So I went downstairs and found Judy playing with a kitten in the morning room.

�Where�s my wife?� says I.

�Out with Captain Watney,� says she, cool as you please. �Riding. Here, kitty-kitty. In the Park, I dare say.�

For a minute I didn�t understand.

�You�re wrong,� says I. �I sent him packing two hours ago.�

�Well, they went riding half an hour ago, so he must have unpacked.� She picked up the kitten and began to stroke it.

�What the devil d�you mean?�

�I mean they�ve gone out together. What else?�

�Dammit,� says I, furious. �I told her not to.�

She went on stroking, and looked at me with her crooked little smile.

�She can�t have understood you, then,� says she. �Or she would not have gone, would she?�

I stood staring at her, feeling a chill suddenly settle on my insides.

�What are you hinting, drat you?� I said.

�Nothing at all. It is you who are imagining. Do you know, I believe you�re jealous.�

�Jealous, by God! And what have I to be jealous about?�

�You should know best, surely.�

I stood looking thunder at her, torn between anger and fear of what she seemed to be implying.

�Now, look�ee here,� I said, �I want to know what the blazes you�re at. If you have anything to say about my wife, by God, you�d best be careful � �

My father came stumping into the hall at that minute, curse him, and calling for Judy. She got up and walked past me, the kitten in her arms. She stopped at the door, gave me a crooked, spiteful smile, and says:

�What were you doing in India? Reading? Singing hymns? Or did you occasionally go riding in the Park?�

Flashman is overcome with furious suspicion and jealousy, but reminds himself that Elspeth might really have gone riding with Watney, and in fact she hadn't even remembered who Watney was when he asked.

quote:

And she was the most scatter-brained thing in petticoats; besides, she wasn�t of the mettle that trollops are made of. Too meek and gentle and submissive by half - she wouldn�t have dared. The mere thought of what I�d do would have terrified . . . what would I do? Disown her? Divorce her? Throw her out? By God, I couldn�t! I didn�t have the means; my father was right!

Madonna-whore dichotomy on full display.

Selachian fucked around with this message at 00:29 on Jan 30, 2020

# ? Jan 30, 2020 00:23

aphid_licker: Jan 7, 2009

How modern is the divorce law in 1840s UK? Can Elspeth kick Flashy to the curb and take her dad's money to captain horseface? Or is it mostly his pride that's at stake?

aphid_licker fucked around with this message at 17:09 on Jan 30, 2020

# ? Jan 30, 2020 17:07

Selachian: Oct 9, 2012

aphid_licker posted:

How modern is the divorce law in 1840s UK? Can Elspeth kick Flashy to the curb and take her dad's money to captain horseface? Or is it mostly his pride that's at stake?

There's no formal divorce law. If you want to get divorced, you have to either convince the church to annul your marriage or receive an annulment via a special Act of Parliament. Practically speaking, no one but a rich, well-connected man is going to get either of those. Divorce was finally codified in 1857; under that law, a woman could get a divorce if she could prove unfaithfulness and cruelty, rape, or other such factors -- just being unfaithful wasn't enough by itself. So yes, it's mostly a question of Flashy's pride.

Selachian fucked around with this message at 17:35 on Jan 30, 2020

# ? Jan 30, 2020 17:28

Selachian: Oct 9, 2012

Flashy finally concludes that Judy is just trying to stir up trouble, and anyway his appointment at the Palace is drawing near. Without Elspeth, Flashy returns to the club and drives to the Palace with the Duke, where they're shown into the Queen's presence by various flunkies.

quote:

�His Grace the Duke of Wellington. Mr Flashman.� It was a large, magnificently furnished drawing-room, with a carpet stretching away between mirrored walls and a huge chandelier overhead. There were a few people at the other end, two men standing near the fireplace, a girl sitting on a couch with an older woman standing behind, and I think another man and a couple of women near by. We walked forward towards them, the Duke a little in advance, and he stopped short of the couch and bowed.

�Your Majesty,� says he, �may I have the honour to present Mr Flashman.�

And only then did I realise who the girl was. We are accustomed to think of her as the old queen, but she was just a child then, rather plump, and pretty enough beneath the neck. Her eyes were large and popped a little, and her teeth stuck out too much, but she smiled and murmured in reply - by this time I was bowing my backside off, naturally. When I straightened up she was looking at me, and Wellington was reciting briskly about Kabul and Jallalabad - �distinguished defence�, �Mr Flashman�s notable behaviour� are the only phrases that stay in my mind. When he stopped she inclined her head at him, and then said to me:

�You are the first we have seen of those who served so bravely in Afghanistan, Mr Flashman. It is realty a great joy to see you returned safe and well. We have heard the most glowing reports of your gallantry, and it is most gratifying to be able to express our thanks and admiration for such brave and loyal service.�

�Well, she couldn�t have said fairer than that I suppose, even if she did recite it like a parrot. I just made a rumbling sound in my throat and ducked my head again. She had a thick, oddly-accented voice, and came down heavy on her words every now and then, nodding as she did so.

�Are you entirely recovered from your wounds?� she asked.

�Very well, thank�ee, your majesty,� says I.

�You are exceedingly brown,� says one of the men, and the heavy German accent startled me. I�d noticed him out of the tail of my eye, leaning against the mantel, with one leg crossed over the other. So this is Prince Albert, I thought; what hellish-looking whiskers.

�You must be as brown as an Aff-ghan,� says he, and they laughed politely.

I told him I had passed for one, and he opened his eyes and said did I speak the language, and would I say some-thing in it. So without thinking I said the first words that came into my head: �Hamare ghali ana, achha din,� which is what the harlots chant at passers-by, and means �Good day, come into our street�. He seemed very interested, but the man beside him stiffened and stared hard at me.

�What does it mean, Mr Flashman?� says the Queen.

�It is a Hindu greeting, marm,� says the Duke, and my guts turned over as I recalled that he had served in India.

The other man, it turns out, is the writer-politician Thomas Babington Macaulay, who served in the Indian government in the 1830s and, presumably, knows exactly what Flashman said, but he keeps his mouth shut. After some stiff conversation, the Queen gives Flashman a medal, and then he and Wellington are dismissed and ride out of the Palace to a cheering crowd.

quote:

Strange, but as the coach won clear and we rattled off down the Mall with the cheers dying behind us, I could hear Arnold�s voice saying, �There is good in you, Flashman,� and I could imagine how he would have supposed himself vindicated at this moment, and preach on �Courage� in chapel, and pretend to rejoice in the redeemed prodigal - but all the time he would know in his hypocrite heart that I was a rotter still. But neither he nor anyone else would have dared to say so. This myth called bravery, which is half-panic, half-lunacy (in my case, all panic), pays for all; in England you can�t be a hero and bad. There�s practically a law against it.

# ? Jan 31, 2020 05:48

How are u: May 19, 2005; by Azathoth

aphid_licker posted:

Ya I've been wondering about that, I'm legit bummed about Hudson bc I'm such a fuckin sucker for how he was written to be this sort of young adult literature Good Man.

There are many more wonderful characters than old Hudson to act as Flashy's foil, don't worry. This first book is really solid, but some of the later ones are really phenomenal.

# ? Jan 31, 2020 06:03

aphid_licker: Jan 7, 2009

How are u posted:

There are many more wonderful characters than old Hudson to act as Flashy's foil, don't worry. This first book is really solid, but some of the later ones are really phenomenal.

Yeah but presumably he bests them all :qq:

# ? Jan 31, 2020 09:24

HIJK: Nov 25, 2012; in the room where you sleep

Very interesting....I wonder if the actual distinguished people will have anything to do with Flashman or if it will simply turn out there's a lot more pricks like him in the army. Very interesting.

# ? Jan 31, 2020 17:50

Darth Walrus: Feb 13, 2012

Royal Flash should be interesting, seeing as you're basically doing a Let's Read of two books at once. It's a direct send-up of The Prisoner of Zenda.

# ? Jan 31, 2020 18:11

How are u: May 19, 2005; by Azathoth

Also, thank you so much Selachian for picking this up and finishing the book. I hope you're enjoying the work, it's really fun to revisit these books that I read in college and enjoyed so much.

# ? Jan 31, 2020 19:47

Selachian: Oct 9, 2012

Back at home, Flashman finds Elspeth has returned and is getting dressed for tea, so he goes up to see her:

quote:

�Harry!� she cries out, �where have you been? Have you forgot we are to take tea with Lady Chalmers at four-thirty?�

�The devil with Lady Chalmers, and all Chalmerses,� says I. �Let �em wait.�

�Oh, how can you say so?� she laughed at me in the mirror. �But where have you been, looking so splendid?�

�Oh, visiting friends, you know. Young couple, Bert and Vicky. You wouldn�t know 'em.�

�Bert and Vicky!� If Elspeth had developed a fault in my long absence, it was that she had become a complete snob - not uncommon among people of her class. �Whoever are they?�

I stood behind her, looking at her reflection, and exposed the medal. I saw her eyes light on it, and widen, and then she swung round.

�Harry! What . . . ?�

�I�ve been to the palace. With the Duke of Wellington. I had this from the Queen - after we had chatted a little, you know, about poetry and � �

Elspeth is, of course, deliriously excited, and they wind up in bed while she's demanding Flashy tell her every single detail of his visit to the Palace again and again. Eventually, though, things calm down and Flashy remembers what Judy told him.

quote:

�Aye,� says I, �and where were you, eh? Sparking in the Row all afternoon with one of your admirers.�

�Oh, he is the greatest bore,� says she laughing. �Nothing to talk of but his horses. We spent the entire afternoon riding in the Park, and he spoke of nothing else for two hours on end!�

�Did he, begad,� says I. �Why, you must have been soaked.�

She was in a cupboard by now, among her dresses, and didn�t hear, and idly I reached out, not thinking, and touched the bottle-green riding coat that lay across the end of the bed. I felt it, and my heart suddenly turned to stone. The coat was bone-dry. I twisted round to look at the boots standing by a chair; they shone glossy, with not a mark or a splash on them.

I sat, feeling sick, listening to my heart thumping, while she chattered away. It had rained steadily from the time I had left Wellington at the Horse Guards until I had left the club more than an hour later and come home. She could not have been riding in the Park in that downpour. Well, where the devil had she and Watney been, then, and what . . . ?

Looks like Elspeth is not quite as dumb and innocent as Flashy thought, huh? He sits there remembering how he felt something was wrong when he arrived home from Afghanistan, and how Elspeth was not quite as devoted and passionate as she was before he left the country...

quote:

Maybe I was wrong - oh, God, I hoped so. It wasn�t just that strange yearning that I had about Elspeth, it was my --well, my honour, if you like. Oh, I didn�t give a drat about what the world calls honour, but the thought of another man, or men, frollicking in the hay with my wife, who should have been unable to imagine a more masterful or heroic lover than the great Flashman - the hero whose name was on everyone�s lips, God help us - the thought of that! . . .

Elspeth, meanwhile, is getting dressed, chattering away innocently, as Flashman is chewing himself up inside with wounded pride and the knowledge that, if she is cheating on him, he can't actually do anything about it.

quote:

�Well, how do I look?� says she, coming to stand in front of me in her gown and bonnet. �Why, Harry, you have gone quite pale! I know, it is the excitement of this day! My poor dear!� And she tilted up my head and kissed me. No, I couldn�t believe it, looking into those baby-blue eyes. Aye, and what about those baby-black boots?

�We shall go out to Lady Chalmers�s,� said she, �and she will be quite over the moon when she hears about this. I expect there will be quite a company there, too. I shall be so proud, Harry - so proud! Now, let me straighten your cravat; bring a brush, Susan - what an excellent coat it is. You must always go to that tailor - which is he again? There now; oh, Harry, how handsome you look! See yourself in the glass!�

I looked, and seeing myself so damned dashing, and her radiant and fair beside me, I fought down the wretchedness and rage. No, it couldn�t be true �

�Susan, you have not put away my coat, silly girl. Take it at once, before it creases.�

By God, though, I knew it was. Or I thought I knew. To the devil with the consequences, no little ninny in petticoats was going to do this to me.

�Elspeth,� says I, turning.

�Hang it carefully, now, when you�ve brushed it. There. Yes, my love?�

�Elspeth --�

�Oh, Harry, you look so strong and fierce, on my word. I don�t think I shall feel easy in my mind when I see all these fancy London ladies making eyes at you.� And she pouted very pretty and touched her finger on my lips.

�Elspeth, I--�

�Oh, I had nearly forgot - you had better take some money with you. Susan, bring me my purse. In case of any need that may arise, you know. Twenty guineas, my love.�

�Much obliged,� says I.

What the devil, you have to make do as best you can; if the tide�s there, swim with it and catch on to whatever offers. You only go by once.

�Will twenty be sufficient, do you think?�

�Better make it forty.�

(At this point the first packet of The Flashman Papers ends abruptly).

# ? Feb 1, 2020 20:28

Beefeater1980: Sep 12, 2008; My God, it's full of Horatios!

It�s the perfect ending.

# ? Feb 1, 2020 23:31

Selachian: Oct 9, 2012

Royal Flash

The success of Flashman enabled Fraser to quit working as a journalist and become a full-time novelist. In 1970, he published two books -- The General Danced at Dawn, a slightly fictionalized collection of stories based on his war experiences, and Royal Flash.

First, though, let's talk about The Prisoner of Zenda. Originally published in 1893 by Anthony Hope Hawkins (writing as Anthony Hope), Zenda and its sequel. Rupert of Hentzau, are fun little books (and available on Project Gutenberg, if you haven't read them) that have had an influence outstripping their ambition.

In Zenda, heroic Englishman Rudolf Rassendyll discovers that he's a dead ringer for the king of the obscure country of Ruritania, who has disappeared before his coronation. The king's advisors beg Rudolf to stand in for him. While pretending to be the king, Rudolf battles the evil Black Michael and his duelist sidekick, Rupert of Hentzau, as he tries to rescue the real king � and falls in love with his royal double's fiancee in the process.

Zenda is the prototype for an entire subgenre of �Ruritanian romances,� adventure stories set in tiny, vaguely Germanic Central or Eastern European states and usually featuring a British or American hero who stumbles onto sinister schemes. Ruritanian romances tend to focus on monarchy and court intrigue; common plots include exposing a pretender, stopping a coup, and/or restoring a true king to the throne. As such, they represent a nostalgic look back at a simpler, more royalist Europe, especially in the face of numerous revolutions against monarchy and nobility in the latter half of the 19th century.

The Prisoner of Zenda has also been turned into a movie multiple times. The best-loved version was in 1937, featuring Ronald Colman and Douglas Fairbanks Jr., when little George MacDonald Fraser was at the impressionable age of twelve. If you've read The Pyrates, you know that Fraser loved Golden Age of Hollywood swashbuckling movies, so it's not surprising he decided to put Flashy in a pastiche of Zenda. (In fact, Royal Flash is dedicated to Colman and Fairbanks, as well as Erroll Flynn, Basil Rathbone, Louis Hayward, Tyrone Power, and �the rest of them.�)

Royal Flash is also, so far, the only Flashman book to make it to the screen, in 1975 with a script by Fraser himself and Malcolm McDowell playing Flashman. I have, alas, not been able to see it.

quote:

If I had been the hero everyone thought I was, or even a half-decent soldier, Lee would have won the battle of Gettysburg and probably captured Washington. That is another story, which I shall set down in its proper place if brandy and old age don't carry me off first, but I mention the fact here because it shows how great events are decided by trifles.

Scholars, of course, won't have it so. Policies, they say, and the subtly laid schemes of statesmen, are what influence the destinies of nations; the opinions of intellectuals, the writings of phiosophers, settle the fate of mankind. Well, they may do their share, but in my experience the course of history is as often settled by someone's having a belly-ache, or not sleeping well, or a sailor getting drunk, or some aristocratic harlot waggling her backside.

So when I say that my being rude to a certain foreigner altered the course of European history, it is a considered judgement. If I had dreamed for a moment how important that man was going to be, I'd have been as civil as the devil to him, yes�me�lording and stroking his back. But in my youth and ignorance I imagined that he was one of those to whom I could be rude with impunity� servants, tarts, bagmen, shopkeepers, and foreigners�and so I gave my unpleasant tongue free rein. In the long run it nearly cost me my neck, quite apart from changing the map of the world.

This is the first mention of Flashman's adventures in the Civil War, which has never been followed up on � Fraser wasn't particularly interested in writing about it, and apparently didn't have much patience with American readers who thought their Civil War would be more interesting than Afghanistan or the Crimea or other aspects of British history.

Royal Flash picks up almost immediately after Flashman, in the late summer/fall of 1842 with Flashy still riding high on his Afghan fame, having been promoted to captain. Flashy and Elspeth have settled into what we might call an open relationship, turning a blind eye to each other's infidelities while still loving each other in their fashion. And with his wife's money and his fame, Flashman is cutting a swath through London's lower society.

quote:

But the real life was to be had outside; respectable society apart, I was in with the fast set, idling, gaming, drinking, and raking about the town. It was the end of the great days of the bucks and blades; we had a queen on the throne, and her cold white hand and her poker-backed husband's were already setting their grip on the nation's life, smothering the old wild ways in their come-to-Jesus hypocrisy. We were entering into what is now called the Victorian Age, when respectability was the thing; breeches were out and trousers came in; bosoms were being covered and eyes modestly lowered; politics was becoming sober, trade and industry were becoming fashionable, the odour of sanctity was replacing the happy reek of brandy, the age of the Corinthian, the plunger, and the dandy was giving way to that of the prig, the preacher, and the bore.

(�)

It has never been the same since; they tell me that young King Edward does what he can nowadays to lower the moral tone of the nation, but I doubt if he has the style for it. The man looks like a butcher.

# ? Feb 4, 2020 07:36

Angrymog: Jan 30, 2012; Really Madcats

There are a couple of Flashman books set in the States iirc. One where due to Flash's ability? to tan pretty dark, he ends up at the pointy end of the slave trade a couple of times.

# ? Feb 4, 2020 07:56

The Rat: Aug 29, 2004; You will find no one to help you here. Beth DuClare has been dissected and placed in cryonic storage.

Three where he ends up in the USA, iirc.

Unsurprisingly, this particular case:

Angrymog posted:

One where due to Flash's ability? to tan pretty dark, he ends up at the pointy end of the slave trade a couple of times.

Is because he got caught banging the wife of a plantation owner

# ? Feb 4, 2020 14:34

TheGreatEvilKing: Mar 28, 2016

Somehow, Flashy being a Confederate does not surprise me very much.

# ? Feb 4, 2020 16:20

Thranguy: Apr 21, 2010; Deceitful and black-hearted, perhaps we are. But we would never go against the Code. Well, perhaps for good reasons. But mostly never.

Flash fought in both uniforms over the course of the war. Also was caught up in Booth's flight from DC. (There's lots of stuff that only shows up in prefaces and asides. He was transported to Australia twice...)

# ? Feb 4, 2020 16:27

Selachian: Oct 9, 2012

Thranguy posted:

Flash fought in both uniforms over the course of the war. Also was caught up in Booth's flight from DC. (There's lots of stuff that only shows up in prefaces and asides. He was transported to Australia twice...)

He also fights -- unwillingly -- alongside John Brown in his raid on Harper's Ferry in Flashman and the Angel of the Lord, but we won't be getting to that one for quite a while.

# ? Feb 4, 2020 22:06

Runcible Cat: May 28, 2007; Ignoring this post

Selachian posted:

Royal Flash is also, so far, the only Flashman book to make it to the screen, in 1975 with a script by Fraser himself and Malcolm McDowell playing Flashman. I have, alas, not been able to see it.

It showed up on Talking Pictures - a UK retro movie channel - recently. It wasn't bad, but McDowell just doesn't look right for Flashman. He always has a sort of ratty and conniving air, when Flashy should have much more of the Boys Own noble handsome hero air (except when grovelling for his life or around anyone he doesn't think is important).

# ? Feb 4, 2020 22:49

Selachian: Oct 9, 2012

On the night the book starts, Flashman is visiting a new gambling club with his old school friend Speedicut (who's mentioned in Tom Brown's Schooldays and the start of Flashman). The club is dull, the prices are high, and the games are fixed, so it isn't long before Speedicut suggests another entertainment:

quote:

...So we picked up two of the Cyprians in the gaming-room and took them upstairs to play loo for each others' clothes. I had my eye on the smaller of the two, a pert little redhaired piece with dimples; thinks I, if I can't get this one stripped for action in a dozen hands then I've lost my talent for palming and dealing from the bottom. But whether I'd taken too much drink�for we had punished a fair amount of arrack, dear as it was�or the tarts were cheating too, the upshot was that I was down to my shirt-tail before my little minx had removed more than her shoes and gloves.

She was trilling with laughter, and I was getting impatient, when a most unholy din broke out on the floor below. There was a pounding of feet, and shouting, whistles blowing and dogs barking, and then a voice yelled:

"Cut and run! It's the traps!"

Yes, Flashman is the sort of guy who cheats at strip games. (Loo is a rather overcomplicated trick-taking card game, and has nothing to do with the use of "loo" to mean a bathroom, which hasn't entered the language yet.) Flashy and Speedicut grab up their clothes and run out into the corridor, abandoning the women. The club is being raided by the police, and the ground floor is already full of cops smashing doors and grabbing prisoners. So instead they run upstairs:

quote:

They were hammering on the doors below, and presently someone came scampering up. He was a fair, chinless youth in a pink coat.

"Oh, my God!" says he, "what will mother say?" He stared wildly round. "Where can I hide?"

"In there," says I, thinking quickly, and pointed at a closed door.

"God bless you," says he. "But what will you do?"

"We'll hold 'em off," says I. "Get out of it, you fool."

He vanished inside, and I winked at Speed, whipped his handkerchief from his breast, and dropped it outside the closed door. Then we tip-toed to a room on the other side of the landing, and took cover behind its door, which I left wide open. From the lack of activity on this floor, and the dust-sheets in the room, it obviously wasn't in use.

Presently the peelers came crashing up, spotted the kerchief, gave a great view halloo, and dragged out the pink youth. But as I had calculated, they didn't bother with our room, seeing the door open; and naturally supposing that no one could be hiding in it. We stood dead still while they tramped about the landing, shouting orders and telling the pink youth to hold his tongue, and presently they all trooped off below, where by the sound of things they were marshalling their prisoners, and being pretty rough about it. It wasn't often they raided a hell successfully, and had a chance to mistreat their betters.

Once the fuss starts dying down, Flashy and Speedicut climb out a window and over the roofs, and then circle around to watch the prisoners being dragged out of the gambling hell. This proves to be a mistake when one of the prisoners � the young man in the pink coat � spots them in the crowd and immediately rats them out to the cops. They run, but Flashman's leg, broken in Afghanistan, starts hurting again.

quote:

"Hallo, Flash," says he, "are you done for?"

�Leg's gone," says I. "I can't keep up any longer."

He glanced over his shoulder. In spite of the bad name Hughes gives him in Tom Brown's Schooldays, Speedicut was as game as a terrier and ready for a turn-up any time�not like me at all.

"Oh, well, then," says he, "the deuce with this. Let's stand and have it out with 'em. There's only two�no, wait though, there are more behind, drat 'em. We'll just have to do the best we can, old son."

"It's no use," I gasped. "I'm in no state to fight."

"You leave 'em to me," cries he. "I'll hold 'em off while you get out of it. Don't stand there, man; don't you see it won't do for the hero of Afghanistan to be dragged in by the traps? Hellish scandal. Doesn't matter for me, though. Come on, you bluebellied bastards!"

And he turned in the middle of the road, sparring away and daring them to come on.

I didn't hesitate. Anyone who is rear end enough to sacrifice himself for Flashy deserves all he gets.

Selachian fucked around with this message at 00:14 on Feb 5, 2020

# ? Feb 5, 2020 00:10

aphid_licker: Jan 7, 2009

Holy lols

# ? Feb 5, 2020 11:52

tokenbrownguy: Apr 1, 2010

Flash is, unfortunately, right. Anyone helping him does deserve to get arrested.

# ? Feb 5, 2020 18:04

Phy: Jun 27, 2008; Fun Shoe

Fuckin' Flashy posted:

"We'll hold 'em off," says I. "Get out of it, you fool."

He vanished inside, and I winked at Speed, whipped his handkerchief from his breast, and dropped it outside the closed door. Then we tip-toed to a room on the other side of the landing, and took cover behind its door, which I left wide open.

Out loud "son of a bitch" at this

Goddamn but Flash is a turd of a man

# ? Feb 5, 2020 18:08

feedmegin: Jul 30, 2008

Angrymog posted:

There are a couple of Flashman books set in the States iirc. One where due to Flash's ability? to tan pretty dark, he ends up at the pointy end of the slave trade a couple of times.

Only after a) being supercargo on a slave ship (and raping one of the slaves) and then b) a slave driver (and raping more slaves). He could probably have done with more of the pointy end.

That said, given that a slaves status followed that of their mother, by the 1850s there were slaves who basically looked white anyway; abolitionist propaganda of the time made use of that.

# ? Feb 5, 2020 20:53

Angrymog: Jan 30, 2012; Really Madcats

feedmegin posted:

Only after a) being supercargo on a slave ship (and raping one of the slaves) and then b) a slave driver (and raping more slaves). He could probably have done with more of the pointy end.

That said, given that a slaves status followed that of their mother, by the 1850s there were slaves who basically looked white anyway; abolitionist propaganda of the time made use of that.

I never said he didn't deserve it, nor IIRC does he learn anything from the experience.

# ? Feb 5, 2020 20:59

Selachian: Oct 9, 2012

Flashman hears Speedicut starting to brawl with the cops as he lights out again. He spots a couple of carriages in front of a house and decides to hide in one until the rest of the cops pass. But while he's waiting, the party in the house breaks up and guests start leaving:

quote:

I held my breath, my heart pounding, and then the carriage door opened, light came in, and I found myself staring into the surprised face of one of the loveliest girls I have ever seen in my life.

No�the loveliest. When I look back and review the beautiful women I have known, blonde and dark, slim and buxom, white and brown, hundreds of the creatures�still, I doubt if there was one to touch her. She was standing with one foot on the step, her hands holding back the skirts of her red satin gown, bending forward to display a splendid white bosom on which sparkled a row of brilliants matching the string in her jet-black hair. Dark blue eyes, very large, stared down at me, and her mouth, which was not wide but very full and red, opened in a little gasp.

"God save me!" exclaims she. "A man! What the devil are you doing, sir?"

It wasn't the kind of greeting you commonly heard from ladies in the young Queen's day, I may tell you. Any other would have screamed and swooned. Thinking quickly, I decided that for once truth would answer best.

"I'm hiding," says I.

"I can see that," says she smartly. She had a most lovely Irish lilt to her voice. "Who from, and why in my carriage, if you please?"

Before Flashman can answer, the woman is joined by a man with a foreign accent, who angrily orders Flashman to get out.

quote:

I conceived an instant dislike for him. It was not only his manner and his words, but the look of him. He was big, as big as I was, slim-hipped and broad-shouldered, but he was also damned handsome. He had bright grey eyes and one of those clean-cut faces beneath fair hair that make you think of moral Norse gods, too splendid altogether to be in the company of the beauty beside him.

Still being honest, Flashman admits he's dodging a police raid. The woman, Rosanna, finds the whole thing funny, but the man, Otto, is furious. A police sergeant finally shows up, and Otto immediately orders him to arrest Flashman, but Rosanna contradicts him, saying Flashy is with them. When the cop hesitates, Otto immediately starts yelling at him, the coachman, another cop who arrives, and everyone else in the general area. In the midst of the confusion, the sergeant finally recognizes who he's dealing with:

quote:

"Wait a minnit. I know you, don't I? You're Cap'n Flashman, bigod!"

I admitted it, and he swore and slapped his fist. "The 'ero of Julloolabad!" cries he.

I smiled modestly at Miss Rosanna, who was looking at me wide-eyed.

"The defender of Piper's Fort!" cries the sergeant.

"Well, well," says I, "it's all right, sergeant."

"The 'Ector of Afghanistan!" cries the sergeant, who evidently studied the press. "Damme! Well, 'ere's a go!"

He was beaming all over his face, which didn't suit my denouncer at all. Angrily he demanded that I be arrested. "He is a fugitive," he declared. "He invaded our coach without permission."

"I don't give a dam' if 'e invaded Buckin'am Palace without permission," says the sergeant, turning back to me. "Corporal Webster, sir, Third Guards, under Major Macdonald at 'Ougoumont, sir."

"Honoured to know you, sergeant," says I, shaking his hand.

"Honour's mine, sir, 'deed it is. Now then, you, sir, let's 'ave no more of this. You're not English, are you?"

"I am a Prussian officer," says the man called Otto, "and I demand�"

"Cap'n Flashman is a British officer, so you don't demand nothink," says the sergeant. "Now, then! Let's 'ave no trouble." He touched his hat to us and gave me a broad wink. "Wish you good-night, sir, an' you, ma'am."

And the cops depart, leaving Otto in frustrated rage and Rosanna still amused.

quote:

"Don't be so pompous, Otto," says she. "It's just a joke; come and�"

"I prefer choicer company," says he. "That of ladies, for example."

And clapping on his hat he stepped back from the carriage door.

"Oh, the devil fly away with you then!" cried she, suddenly angry. "Whip up, driver!"

And then I had to open my mouth. Leaning across her, I called to him:

"How dare you talk so to a lady, drat you!" says I. "You're a foul-mouthed foreign dog!"

I believe if I had kept silent he would have forgotten me, for his temper was concentrated on her. But now he turned those cold eyes on me, and they seemed to bore like drills. For a moment I was frightened of the man; he had murder on his face.

"I shall remember you," says he. And then, oddly, I saw a look of curiosity come into his eyes, and he stepped a pace closer. Then it was gone, but he was memorising me, and hating me at the same time.

# ? Feb 6, 2020 00:14

feedmegin: Jul 30, 2008

'Ougoumont is of course https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hougoumont - this chap was at the Battle of Waterloo.

# ? Feb 6, 2020 13:09

aphid_licker: Jan 7, 2009

Gotta have a good nemesis

# ? Feb 6, 2020 17:42

Pistol_Pete: Sep 15, 2007; Oven Wrangler

Flashman casually making an enemy of Otto Von Bismarck is one of my favorite bits of the series.

# ? Feb 6, 2020 20:47

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# ? Jun 10, 2024 15:17

Selachian: Oct 9, 2012

Flashman and Rosanna return to her house in Chelsea and, since this is Flashman, the inevitable happens. Rosanna turns out to be almost too enthusiastic even for Flashy:

quote:

We were in bed by then, and I had no clothing to protect me from her biting and raking nails; I protested, but it was like talking to a mad woman. She even began to leather me with something hard and heavy�a hair-brush, I believe�and by the time she had stopped writhing and moaning I felt as though I had been coupling with a roll of barbed wire. I was bruised, scratched, bitten, and stabbed from neck to backside.

In between the violence, Flashman finds that her full name is Marie Elizabeth Rosanna James, and she's a military wife recently returned from India. She's extremely bored in London and had gotten stuck with escorting Otto, a German who was visiting her husband's relatives. She comments that Flashman has made an enemy, and when Flashman says he isn't worried about Otto:

quote:

"Well, you should," says she, teasing. "For he's going to be a great man some day�he told me so. 'I have a destiny', he said. 'What's that?' I asked him, 'To rule', says he. So I told him I had ambitions, too�to live as I please, love as I please, and never grow old. He didn't think much of that, I fancy; he told me I was frivolous, and would be disappointed. Only the strong, he said, could afford ambitions. So I told him I had a much better motto than that."

"What was that?" says I, reaching out for her, but she caught my hands and held them apart, looking wicked.

"'Courage�and shuffle the cards'," says she.

Flashman starts an affair with Rosanna, but it burns out quickly: she's violently exhausting in bed, and domineering out of it, and altogether just too much for Flashy to deal with. It only takes a week before things go bad.

quote:

"In heaven's name!" says I. "Get off. I'm tired."

"Nobody gets tired of me," she flashed back, and started teasing me into action, but I was pegged out, and told her to let me alone. For a moment she persisted, and then she was sulky, and then in an instant she was in a raging fury, and before I knew it I had given her the back of my hand and she was coming at me like a wildcat, screaming and clawing.

Now, I've dealt with raging women before, but I'd never met anything like her. She was dangerous�a beautiful, naked savage, flinging everything that came within reach, calling me the foulest names, and�I admit it freely�terrorising me to the point where I grabbed my clothes and ran for it. "Bastard and coward!" was the least of it, I remember, and a chamber pot smashing on the door-jamb as I blundered through. I roared threats at her from the corridor, at which she darted out, white with fury, flourishing a bottle, and I didn't stay for more. One way and another, I've probably had more practice in dressing running than most men, but this time I didn't bother until I'd got out of shot at the foot of the stairs.

A month after his violent parting from Rosanna, Flashy is visiting a friend's country house to watch a boxing match and do some hunting, and it turns out one of the other guests is Otto. His host introduces him.

quote:

"Baron," says he � the brute has a title, thinks I� "permit me to present Captain Flashman. Flash, this is Baron Otto von � er, dammit� von Schornhausen, ain't it? Can't get my confounded tongue round it."

"Schonhausen," says Otto, bowing stiffly with his eyes on mine. "But that is, in fact, the name of my estate, if you will pardon my correction. My family name is Bismarck.�

It's an old man's fancy, no doubt, but it seemed to me that he said it in a way that told you you would hear it again. It meant nothing to me, of course, at the time, but I was sure that it was going to. And again I felt that prickle of fear up my back; the cold grey eyes, the splendid build and features, the superb arrogance of the man, all combined to awe me. If you're morally as soft as butter, as I am, with a good streak of the toad-eater in you, there's no doing anything with people like Bismarck. You can have all the fame that I had then, and the good looks and the inches and the swagger�and I had those, too�but you know you're dirt to him. If you have to tangle with him, as the Americans say, you know you'll have to get drunk first; I was sober, so I toadied.

At the age of 27, Otto von Bismarck is still only a student, starting to train as a lawyer. It won't be long, though, before he plunges into the chaos of German politics in the late 19th century and emerges as one of the era's most influential statesmen.

# ? Feb 7, 2020 00:13

The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > The Book Barn > A Singularly Unpleasant Creature: Let's Read Flashman!

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