Idiots Thread - From the Balls of Montezuma - The Something Awful Forums

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Doc Hawkins: Jun 15, 2010; Dashing? But I'm not even moving!

Volmarias posted:

If your last poo poo makes it high enough that no one else can poo poo, does that make you King of poo poo Mountain?

it's less "can" than "will."

it's a game of poo poo-chicken.

# ? Apr 13, 2020 20:12

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# ? May 30, 2024 10:11

bloops: Dec 31, 2010; Thanks Ape Pussy!

Please reference the bloody tampon story I shared many years ago re: poop mountain on an AWACS

# ? Apr 13, 2020 21:09

Ugly In The Morning: Jul 1, 2010; Pillbug

It�s not making GBS threads per se, but I did manage to fart up a train so badly people thought the septic tank on the shitter broke. Like, they had to go get changed as soon as they got off the train. I still remember the tuna sandwich and four dill pickles that did it.

# ? Apr 13, 2020 21:57

Icon Of Sin: Dec 26, 2008

I think I�ve told this here before, but when I got to Afghanistan I had the worst farts of my life. I could actually smell them over the smell of the poo pond, and they were a constant nuisance in my life. I let slip a little bit of one and managed to clear out my little office; they were lucky, our ops sgm was not.

Our ops sgm was a useless human being, and he had a fan set up in just the right place that I could stand under it unseen and unleash the foul gasses building up within. I�d hear him sniff loudly/obviously, then he would start up with �oh man, who just shat their pants?!!!�
and start yelling at the SFC next to him to go find out who it was.

I did this for probably a week-ish, until my bowels adjusted themselves (as best as they were able) to the foul concoctions ~~forced~~ served to us daily on that little fob.

# ? Apr 13, 2020 22:05

The Rat: Aug 29, 2004; You will find no one to help you here. Beth DuClare has been dissected and placed in cryonic storage.

One time I let out a silent but deadly in the gym on Camp Stryker and some NCO walking through the area a few minutes later exclaimed loudly SMELLS LIKE SOMEONE poo poo THEY PANTS

I felt a little proud.

# ? Apr 13, 2020 22:43

Guest2553: Aug 3, 2012

Doc Hawkins posted:

it's less "can" than "will."

it's a game of poo poo-chicken.

I haven't personally lived through a blue dragon* event, but I've heard first-hand accounts of it happening when it was piled high during an autopilot malfunction.

*imagine what the blue-stained contents of a latrine would look like if it lost a few thousand feet of altitude very rapidly. :barf:

# ? Apr 13, 2020 22:43

Milo and POTUS: Sep 3, 2017; I will not shut up about the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I talk about them all the time and work them into every conversation I have. I built a shrine in my room for the yellow one who died because sadly no one noticed because she died around 9/11. Wanna see it?

MA-Horus posted:

In ze autobus I believe.

When I was in Egypt back in 2009 (just before poo poo went bananas) we were in Abu Simbel and the traveller's shits finally caught up to me. It's a pretty touristy place with MUCH better bathrooms than the majority of Egypt's cultural sites...except that toilet paper was handed out by the individual square by an extremely crotchety old woman. I tried asking for more before going into the stall, knowing I would need more, and got chewed out.

So I go into the stall, blast out what felt like a waterjet from my butthole, wipe with the piddly one square and KNOW there's going to be more than one round. While there's still time pull my pants up, leave the stall, literally pull the roll from the old woman's hand and waddle back into the stall.

She chased me into the men's room screaming and banging on the stall door. I slipped 10 egyptian pounds underneath the door and she left me alone to poo poo my brains out in peace.

I love this story

# ? Apr 13, 2020 23:01

Wonder Free: Jun 19, 2006; Throw some D's..

On a Navy P-3, the lavatory is basically a trash can that you pee in that is emptied out by the junior enlisted at the end of the flight. If you have to poop, you basically put a trash bag under the toilet seat looking thing in the same closet. If you don�t, you will essentially poop on the inside skin of the aircraft.

When I was in El Salvador for a counter-drug det, the Reserve P-3 squadron flew down with the SOUTHCOM Admiral. Evidently nobody told him what was up, and the inevitable happened. When I left to go back to the hotel, the reserve bubbas were trying to figure out if they could make the Admiral�s rope clean up or just let it simmer until one of the enlisted guys gave in.

# ? Apr 13, 2020 23:24

pantslesswithwolves: Oct 28, 2008

MA-Horus posted:

In ze autobus I believe.

When I was in Egypt back in 2009 (just before poo poo went bananas) we were in Abu Simbel and the traveller's shits finally caught up to me. It's a pretty touristy place with MUCH better bathrooms than the majority of Egypt's cultural sites...except that toilet paper was handed out by the individual square by an extremely crotchety old woman. I tried asking for more before going into the stall, knowing I would need more, and got chewed out.

So I go into the stall, blast out what felt like a waterjet from my butthole, wipe with the piddly one square and KNOW there's going to be more than one round. While there's still time pull my pants up, leave the stall, literally pull the roll from the old woman's hand and waddle back into the stall.

She chased me into the men's room screaming and banging on the stall door. I slipped 10 egyptian pounds underneath the door and she left me alone to poo poo my brains out in peace.

I lived in Egypt for a while and can definitively state that there is no chance that any element of this story is exaggerated. The older they get, the more likely an Egyptian woman is to chase you into a bathroom if it means they'll get some baksheesh. In 2009, 10 Egyptian pounds would have been around $2 USD.

# ? Apr 13, 2020 23:32

SquirrelyPSU: May 27, 2003

This (the ejector seat) topic's relevance is now prescient.

https://www.sbnation.com/2020/4/13/21219801/64-year-old-man-accidentally-hits-eject-button-during-fighter-jet-joyride

# ? Apr 14, 2020 00:32

Handsome Ralph: Sep 3, 2004; Oh boy, posting!
That's where I'm a Viking!

Idiots thread? I thought they closed that place down.

SquirrelyPSU posted:

This (the ejector seat) topic's relevance is now prescient.

https://www.sbnation.com/2020/4/13/21219801/64-year-old-man-accidentally-hits-eject-button-during-fighter-jet-joyride

I realllllly hope he was wearing a GoPro like I saw someone say elsewhere and I reallllllllly hope the footage finds it's way online.

# ? Apr 14, 2020 00:39

Memento: Aug 25, 2009; Bleak Gremlin

Handsome Ralph posted:

Idiots thread? I thought they closed that place down.

I realllllly hope he was wearing a GoPro like I saw someone say elsewhere and I reallllllllly hope the footage finds it's way online.

I don't want him to have been wearing a GoPro, I just want there to have been one pointing at his face. Preferable with enough of a framerate that we can see his facial expression as he blasts away into the sky.

# ? Apr 14, 2020 00:42

canyoneer: Sep 13, 2005; I only have canyoneyes for you

Handsome Ralph posted:

I realllllly hope he was wearing a GoPro like I saw someone say elsewhere and I reallllllllly hope the footage finds it's way online.

I only know a couple of French swears and I bet that video would teach me several more

# ? Apr 14, 2020 00:43

priznat: Jul 7, 2009; Let's get drunk and kiss each other all night.

canyoneer posted:

I only know a couple of French swears and I bet that video would teach me several more

That reminds me of a comic I saw with metropolitan french vs quebec french swearing

(Quebec French swears are mostly church based tho)

# ? Apr 14, 2020 00:52

TCD: Nov 13, 2002; Every step, a fucking adventure.

pantslesswithwolves posted:

I lived in Egypt for a while and can definitively state that there is no chance that any element of this story is exaggerated. The older they get, the more likely an Egyptian woman is to chase you into a bathroom if it means they'll get some baksheesh. In 2009, 10 Egyptian pounds would have been around $2 USD.

Eh, in other countries - its not unusual for women to be in the restroom cleaning, or handing out poo poo tickets. Like - you're taking a piss and the cleaning lady is next to you scrubbing the other urinal. I've had to use lower currency notes before when mid blasting I realize the paper provided wasn't going to cut it.

# ? Apr 14, 2020 03:05

canyoneer: Sep 13, 2005; I only have canyoneyes for you

pantslesswithwolves posted:

I lived in Egypt for a while and can definitively state that there is no chance that any element of this story is exaggerated. The older they get, the more likely an Egyptian woman is to chase you into a bathroom if it means they'll get some baksheesh. In 2009, 10 Egyptian pounds would have been around $2 USD.

It's a cultural thing there. She may have been listening to compare the sound of your farts and trying to match it to someone else.
In ancient and modern Egypt it's considered good luck to have a toot-in-common.

:dadjoke:

# ? Apr 14, 2020 04:12

Chichevache: Feb 17, 2010; One of the funniest posters in GIP.

Just not intentionally.

canyoneer posted:

It's a cultural thing there. She may have been listening to compare the sound of your farts and trying to match it to someone else.
In ancient and modern Egypt it's considered good luck to have a toot-in-common.

Reported this post to the Hague for crimes against humanity.

# ? Apr 14, 2020 07:12

Icon Of Sin: Dec 26, 2008

canyoneer posted:

It's a cultural thing there. She may have been listening to compare the sound of your farts and trying to match it to someone else.
In ancient and modern Egypt it's considered good luck to have a toot-in-common.

Its way too early and I haven't had enough coffee for this just yet.

# ? Apr 14, 2020 10:35

LtCol J. Krusinski: May 7, 2013; by Fluffdaddy

canyoneer posted:

It's a cultural thing there. She may have been listening to compare the sound of your farts and trying to match it to someone else.
In ancient and modern Egypt it's considered good luck to have a toot-in-common.

This is 99.9% pure un-cut straight from the source dad poo poo. Cut that poo poo down man, we�re used to a product that�s been stepped on by half of Twitter before we put it up our noses or in my case rear end (Never done a cocaine enema? Your not living your best life.).

You got a good product though, I know how we can move some serious dad jokes in bulk to a select high level group of social media influencers and we could be set for life and have to only deal with the top, and not distribution.

# ? Apr 14, 2020 11:35

Fearless: Sep 3, 2003; DRINK MORE MOXIE

LtCol J. Krusinski posted:

This is 99.9% pure un-cut straight from the source dad poo poo. Cut that poo poo down man, we�re used to a product that�s been stepped on by half of Twitter before we put it up our noses or in my case rear end (Never done a cocaine enema? Your not living your best life.).

You got a good product though, I know how we can move some serious dad jokes in bulk to a select high level group of social media influencers and we could be set for life and have to only deal with the top, and not distribution.

You've been watching The Wire during the quarantine too, eh?

# ? Apr 14, 2020 11:44

A Festivus Miracle: Dec 19, 2012; I have come to discourse on the profound inequities of the American political system.

One time, driving off Echo summit, we had our arbor truck lose a porta potty with the stored contents of eight days and twenty people riding inside of it. Thankfully the loving plastic poo poo missile didn't hit anybody else, but it ran off the highway, jumped probably thirty feet, and painted the side of an old and majestic Jeffrey pine blacker than the foulest night.

I really, really wish my phone wasn't dead by then because it was like someone detonated a claymore filled with raw sewage. I'm fairly certain the sanitary company came and collected the broken remnants of their blue rocket, but I have no clue what happened to the rest of it.

# ? Apr 14, 2020 13:02

MA-Horus: Dec 3, 2006; I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.

canyoneer posted:

It's a cultural thing there. She may have been listening to compare the sound of your farts and trying to match it to someone else.
In ancient and modern Egypt it's considered good luck to have a toot-in-common.

you motherfucker

# ? Apr 14, 2020 13:06

King of Bees: Dec 28, 2012; Gravy Boat 2k

canyoneer posted:

It's a cultural thing there. She may have been listening to compare the sound of your farts and trying to match it to someone else.
In ancient and modern Egypt it's considered good luck to have a toot-in-common.

Pure gold

# ? Apr 14, 2020 13:10

CainFortea: Oct 15, 2004

canyoneer posted:

It's a cultural thing there. She may have been listening to compare the sound of your farts and trying to match it to someone else.
In ancient and modern Egypt it's considered good luck to have a toot-in-common.

This post should be wrapped up and preserved and locked away in a tomb for posterity.

# ? Apr 14, 2020 18:01

EBB: Feb 15, 2005

canyoneer posted:

It's a cultural thing there. She may have been listening to compare the sound of your farts and trying to match it to someone else.
In ancient and modern Egypt it's considered good luck to have a toot-in-common.

gently caress, goldmine, new thread

# ? Apr 14, 2020 18:08

A Bad Poster: Sep 25, 2006; Seriously, shut the fuck up.

CainFortea posted:

This post should be wrapped up and preserved and locked away in a tomb for posterity.

With a warning on the outside about the cursed contents within.

# ? Apr 14, 2020 18:12

Time Crisis Actor: Apr 28, 2002; by Hand Knit

Fearless posted:

You've been watching The Wire during the quarantine too, eh?

Hey man, when�s the re-up?

# ? Apr 14, 2020 19:06

Icon Of Sin: Dec 26, 2008

A Bad Poster posted:

With a warning on the outside about the cursed contents within.

THIS IS NOT A PLACE OF HONOR

# ? Apr 14, 2020 19:22

BurningChrome: Jan 18, 2020; They said she cooked her own cancers for people who crossed her, rococo custom variations that took years to kill you. They said a lot of things about Chrome, none of them at all reassuring.

Deathy McDeath posted:

Hey man, when�s the re-up?

Only click if your peepee is at least caramel in complexion

# ? Apr 14, 2020 19:38

US Berder Patrol: Jul 11, 2006; oorah

Fearless posted:

You've been watching The Wire during the quarantine too, eh?

Pandemic! Got that pandemic!

# ? Apr 14, 2020 20:09

Duzzy Funlop: Jan 13, 2010; Hi there, would you like to try some spicy products?

BurningChrome posted:

Only click if your peepee is at least caramel in complexion

# ? Apr 14, 2020 20:29

BurningChrome: Jan 18, 2020; They said she cooked her own cancers for people who crossed her, rococo custom variations that took years to kill you. They said a lot of things about Chrome, none of them at all reassuring.

Duzzy Funlop posted:

Its one of my favorite moments from the show. A dealer blurting the poo poo out on the wiretap after their associate apparently failed to pick up what he was laying down, per se.

# ? Apr 14, 2020 20:59

maffew buildings: Apr 29, 2009; too dumb to be probated; not too dumb to be autobanned

I think this is more about his snow white peepee

# ? Apr 14, 2020 21:24

BurningChrome: Jan 18, 2020; They said she cooked her own cancers for people who crossed her, rococo custom variations that took years to kill you. They said a lot of things about Chrome, none of them at all reassuring.