Zetsubou-san posted:

shelley posted:

here’s the thread (archives required)

and here’s the post (by Ingwit):

code:

SING TO ME MUSE, OF VELOUR AND THE MAN
the dooming sting of the slams that ruined so many
the chumps and the bustas hurled headlong into gloom
to sip bitter cola with the sluts and kinky-haired hoes,
dollar store poo poo, not even brand-name;
thus was the will of Zeus.
Begin with the wit of that lord--
the Ultimate Hustler
who descended like night upon the bright shores
of unfortunate Troy where the Achaeans all camped.
As the sun in his splendor, spangles his rays
upon the folds of the sea when the day is just dawning
so too was the light that came from the mouth
of that merciless pimp, for nigga he had
hella fine platinum up in his grill.
And seeing the masses of Grecians, a full generation
set for ten years in grim siege on the sand
the Hustler rattled his cane, a thunderous funk
and made known his will.

                                   "Well well well
guess now be a good time to buy stock in coconut oil and cock rings
since y’all look like you ready to storm Fire Island and start a pride parade.
First time I seen a fleet of ships using they momma’s dirty drawers as sails.
That ain’t no Mycenaean insignia, that just where she couldn’t reach around ta wipe.
An do I see Odysseus sticking gettin rutty with that handmaid? Ima call Ithaca,
tell em they all need to file a missin bustas report.”

All through the camp, men fell transfixed
laid out by the insults that poured like hard rain
upon the wearied and weak. It seemed as a plague
that ran through the ranks, a vast rippling breath
like when the wind, blown black in the dusk
touches the grain and withers the stalks
and the farmers they gather what once was fine crop
and set it to torch to weep at the flames.

Mighty Achilles, a lion in temper, stepped onto the shore
from his proud flanks flashed fierce indignation
at the Ultimate Hustler, the man like dark wine all richly attired.
When kings go out hunting, they bring with them dogs,
tightly-haunched hounds with foam on their teeth.
The pack is arrayed, and now catches the scent
of a rabbit or stag and strains at the leash,
their limbs at the ready, their eyes full of death,
and finally their master loosens the rein
so was the wrath of Achilles that long had lain quiet,
now aimed at the Hustler and hot for its prey.

				“Whether you be
a dark Ethiopian far from your home or else
a sunburnt man from a sunburnt land, Achilles
cares not. You now forfeit your life.”

So said Achilles, and drew forth his spear, the heft on his shoulder
the point all of bronze and, taking his aim, hurled it full force
like a bolt from Olympus.
				But Mandingo was watching,
god of the Dozens, and turned it astray.

All there assembled, Achaean and Trojan, saw Achilles’ first failure
and soon wicked Rumor, with her venom and bile, started to whisper
that ain’t nobody choked that bad since yo momma
try deepthroating a Titan. 
                                The Hustler boomed out his mirth.

“Next time you wanna give me yo shaft, make believe I’m Patroclus’ stankhole
and there ain’t no way you missin. Oh I forgot, Hector currently using that bitch
as a hood ornament. Take him down to the kennels, he metamorphose 
into kibbles and bits. That nigga, he dead.
And what up with that armor? poo poo’s tacky. Bet that breastplate come with a horn
play “Lowrider” when you goosesteppin through the ranks.
Ain’t it bad enough you got grease face? Been, what, twenty years since yo momma
dip you in tha Styx, and the Hades EPA still tryin to clean the oil slick, 
declaring it unfit for animal habitation.
My nigga Charon spark up a fatty, throw the match overboard,
poo poo goes up like Mt Etna.”

Mighty Achilles groaned like the ocean, let fall his arms to the ash at his feet.
Betaken by sorrow, he sought out his tent and the drowse of his harem
where black-visaged grief crept from the shadows. Like the waxes of Hybla
it muzzled his mind, stopped up his ears, made deaf his heart
to all the sweet pleas of men and immortals.

Just at that moment, the figure of Helen, awake in the city,
appeared on the walls. King Menelaos, the chariot driver,
gnashed all his teeth and raged at the day
she was promised as prize to craven Prince Paris 
and doomed distant Troy.
				She was spied by the Hustler.

“poo poo, ain’t it the daughter of Leda and a swan.
Bitch squirt up a douche, get a bowful of duck soup. 
That the face launched a thousand ships? They all musta
gone looking for that most mythical of treasures, cure for dick blisters.
Only time the topless towers of Ilium get burned is when they go take a leak,
get funky discharge look like something Cerberus leave on yo carpet.
Bitch been ploughed more times than the winedark sea. Yeah
I droppin some poetical poo poo here. gently caress ya if ya hatin.
Everyone heard Helen so tough and hangly down there, she legally obligated
to have the Arby’s logo tattooed on her snatch.
Priam still around? Get him out here.
That nigga so old, last time he manage to pop wood, 
Pandora’s box just got some peach fuzz
and Priapus’ balls ain’t even drop yet.
This some brokedown city y’all got here. Couple thousand years, Heinreich Schliemann
dig this place up, wonder what the hell the luddy convention was doin in town.
All looking like somebody built a group home for Cyclops crackheads.”

His counsel at end, the Hustler arose and took to the air
in the form of a bird, feathers jet-black, leaving all stunned.
Sometime a hunter when the race has been run
surveys the beast his arrows brought low,
admires the flank and the struggling faint breaths,
and though its life is near gone strings one last shaft
to take cold delight in an unneeded wound.
So now the Hustler, in no haste to leave,
flung finally a barb down into the field.

“First I thought that wicker tinker toy was the Trojan Horse,
but now y’all inside it, I see it just a raggedy-assed fruit basket.
And yo toga look like a dishrag.”

Tearing her hair, Queen Hecuba led
her waxen-faced ladies in an ebon procession
to Athena’s white temple, hoping the goddess
would pity their plight, grant Troy gray-eyed mercy.
Greeks and Dardanians, all there assembled, hearing the wail
added their voices to the keening and crying
and it is said that even Olympus covered its face
for the great lamentation:
				“drat.”

SyNack Sassimov posted:

Halloween Liker posted:

Imagine logging onto SA to defend your lover Matt Gaetz

iwentdoodie posted:

No one that young has an account anymore

Kennel posted:

Can I request spell descriptions for wrestling moves?

Some interesting options:

Shooting Star Press
Stone Cold Stunner
Clothesline from Hell
Twist of Fate
Northern Lights Suplex
Scorpion Death-Lock

Chase Derringer posted:

S: Shooting Star Press
B: You leap into the air, and as you do, you raise your arms above your head. You imagine a shooting star blazing across the sky, and you feel a surge of power course through your body. As you land, you thrust your hands forward with all the force of the star’s impact, and a wave of force explodes from your palms. The wave crashes into your foes, sending them flying backward.

S: Stone Cold Stunner
B: You utter a command word, and a dense fog fills the air around you. The fog swirls and thickens, until it seems as if you’re standing in a cloud of solid smoke. Then you point your finger at the foe that has been plaguing you, and let loose with a bolt of crackling force. The energy leaps from your fingertip to strike the creature, and a jolt of lightning seems to flash inside its body. It freezes in place, every muscle locked up tight, then collapses to the ground.

S: Clothesline from Hell
B: You raise your hands, causing the air to ripple and shimmer around you. You then thrust your hands forward, as if to strike a blow against an invisible foe. The ripple of air races outward from you, slamming into your opponents with the force of a small hurricane. The first target struck by the blast is thrown backward, slamming into the second target. The second target is then thrown into the third. And so on, and so on, and so on, until all of your foes have been knocked down.

S: Twist of Fate
B: You whisper a word of power, and suddenly the air around you seems to thicken, as if a swirling fog had materialized from nowhere. You feel the weight of your body increase as gravity pulls you down. A moment later, the fog dissipates, and you discover that your spell has taken effect. The world around you has slowed to a crawl, and you can move with incredible speed and precision, dodging the attacks of your foes as if you were a god of war.

S: Northern Lights Suplex
B: You leap into the air, spinning with your arms outstretched. The cold, clear night sky is your battlefield, and the stars are your witnesses as you proclaim your victory. You land in a crouch, and then quickly spring up again to grab one of the stars that seems to be falling from the sky. You pull yourself up, and then leap off of it, hurling yourself at your foe. You grab them around the chest and twist your body, sending them hurtling through the air head-first as you land on your feet.

S: Scorpion Death Lock
B: You lunge forward, grabbing the arm of the opponent who is trying to bash you with their shield. You yank it down and twist it around, bringing their elbow up towards your face. As you pull them close, you can feel your opponent’s breath on your neck. You bite down, hard, and feel their elbow crack as you sink your teeth in. With a twist of your neck, you rip a chunk of flesh from your opponent’s arm. They scream in pain and stagger back, clutching their wound.

Chase Derringer posted:

Spell: Something Awful
B: You’re not sure what it is, but you know that whatever it is, it’s awful. You can’t see it, but you can feel its presence. It’s like an itch on the back of your brain that you can never scratch. It’s a constant, nagging feeling that you can’t quite place. It’s like a song that you can’t quite remember, but know that it was the most important song in the world. You reach out with your mind to try and grasp at it, but it’s just out of reach.

Creature: Something Awful
B: You’ve been so busy trying to keep up with the monster, you almost didn’t notice the giant, glowing letters that have appeared in the air beside it. They read: “I’m a dumbass.”

The Bloop posted:

Horny jail has been empty for a long time now and it really really wants someone inside it

Kennel posted:

And from the same thread:

Neurolimal posted:

How often does dershowitz' keyboard autocorrect palestine into pal epstein

Good Citizen posted:

Good Citizen posted:

sebmojo posted:

sebmojo posted:

Captain Hygiene posted:

Aw poo poo I didn't know it was real

rotor posted:

let those who've never had reading comprehension issues throw the first stone

MononcQc posted:

a risky instruction to give to bad readers

ultrafilter posted:

ChaNce144 posted:

Hey everyone, I need to find a few good images of angry animals (lions, dogs, tigers, etc) AND people jumping at the camera, arms/claws coming out, etc. Ive been scouring google images for a few days, and can't find anything satisfactory.

Can you help a brother out? Either post here, or link. Here is an example of the sort of thing Im looking for.



Thanks in advance,

C

(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

ultrafilter posted:

How do y'all find these 15 year-old probes and bans?

Nordick posted:

I remember a thread that I think was called "A thread where <username> gets owned really hard", and like the title says it was just one poster roasting someone whose usename I can't remember (a mod I think) in various increasingly creative ways. I also can't remember any of the insults specifically, only that they were goddamn beautiful. Anyone have any idea what I'm talking about?

RFC2324 posted:

notice its basically all Eoray Mel doing it?

they spend their free time reading archives and posting what they find, afaict

Fleta Mcgurn posted:

Well, if it means they come up with funny quotes for the funny quotes thread, then it sounds like a worthy pastime to me !

sebmojo posted:

Eyes post suspiciously for laughs, frowns

Nordick posted:

I remember a thread that I think was called "A thread where <username> gets owned really hard", and like the title says it was just one poster roasting someone whose usename I can't remember (a mod I think) in various increasingly creative ways. I also can't remember any of the insults specifically, only that they were goddamn beautiful. Anyone have any idea what I'm talking about?

EDIT: \/ Much obliged

EDIT 2: ok this thread was a bit more slur happy than I remembered but there's still some really good poo poo

shelley posted:

a thread in which every day, Abe gets owned really hard

yeah actually they will posted:

Abe [with a cardboard box over his head]: computer run program sigma alpha six, of a girl who can look at me without spontaneously developing an eve online account on the spot. engage

shelley posted:

a thread in which every day, Abe gets owned really hard

RFC2324 posted:

notice its basically all Eoray Mel doing it?

they spend their free time reading archives and posting what they find, afaict

Karate Bastard posted:

Wow someone swims through the poo poo
So they can get their hit

yeah actually they will posted:

Abe took the "do not remove" tag off his mattress while no one was around and mumbled something about it getting him arrested. One time at burger king he tried to get a straw and accidentally spilled the straws everywhere on the floor. His life insurance has his gender listed as "yes please" and his premium is really high because strangers feel compelled to swerve towards him while driving. he has a bad skin condition as well, so he can't wear wool directly against his skin or it tears off in wet clumps. He's also a dumbass.

quote:

[sitting cross legged underneath a tree with eyes closed] Abe is a bitch. Abe is a bitch. abe is a bitch. abe is a bitch. ABe is a bitch. Abe isa bitch. abe is a bitch. Abe is a bitch. abe is a bitch. Abeis a bitch. Abe is a bitch. abe is a bitch. abe is a bitch. [I open my eyes to see the cherry blossoms cascading through the air. A slight smile plays upon my lips, barely noticeable.]

Batterypowered7 posted:

Just reminded me of the post where the OP's boyfriend was obsessed with a male porn star by the name of TWO TONE MALONE.

Lieutenant Dan posted:

You can't tell me this isn't the name of a ska musician

Batterypowered7 posted:

Maybe if the ska musician's cock has two very different skin tones.

WaywardWoodwose posted:

Duh, it's checkered.

Calexio posted:

This it?

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3098558&userid=0&perpage=40&pagenumber=1

Cartoon Man posted:

Pigsfeet on Rye posted:

I call this artwork "The Death of Romance"

Inceltown posted:

Soft wick

flavor.flv posted:

Diskey wick