NFL N/V Offseason: Sorry folks, I counted him out

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Tim Whatley: Mar 28, 2010

Atlanta's strategy is to build a punt return juggernaut. NFC South on notice

# ? Mar 21, 2022 19:40

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# ? Jun 11, 2024 00:30

Mega64: May 23, 2008; I took the octopath less travelered,

And it made one-eighth the difference.

https://twitter.com/MikeGarafolo/status/1505964000386899981

Sure, why not.

# ? Mar 21, 2022 19:40

Impossibly Perfect Sphere: Nov 6, 2002; They wasted Luanne on Lucky!

She could of have been so much more but the writers just didn't care!

Diva Cupcake posted:

Unless the Seahawks are just cool with Drew Lock, I'm sure they're' open for business as well.

It's not clear if the Seahawks as an organization even believe they even need a QB.

# ? Mar 21, 2022 19:40

sharknado slashfic: Jun 24, 2011

Man the AFC is wide loving open, this is gonna be wild

I wish I knew how to make sports bets so I could bet on Brady making the superbowl again. Probably not a great payout though.

# ? Mar 21, 2022 19:41

Hot Diggity!: Apr 3, 2010; SKELITON_BRINGING_U_ON.GIF

Impossibly Perfect Sphere posted:

I know this is a couple pages old, but drat Matt Ryan looks like a pretty successful businessman who is rapidly closing in on 40. He competes in triathlons in his spare time and he has come to the realization that he never really loved his wife. He goes on long runs early on Saturday mornings, and the last several weeks he's been arriving at the river trail a few minutes later than normal so that he spends part of his run staring at the rear end of the 20-something grad-student who he has started to chat up. Maybe this weekend he'll invite her to get some coffee after their run. He's fantasizes about the impending divorce. He doesn't hate his wife; he plans on making sure that she is comfortable and well taken care of, and he'd prefer to not have a contentious split since he knows that would be harder on his daughter. He tells himself that he wants to make sure he is still a part of his daughter's life, but he hasn't really ever been that involved with her and deep down he knows their relationship will devolve into the odd phone call and birthday card. If he could pinpoint where it all started to go wrong it would probably be after his wife had her third miscarriage. He had always wanted a big family, but at that point it was just too much for her and they stopped trying. He thinks that if they had more kids they could have made it work, but he's still not quite 40 and it isn't too late to start over. He wonders if the grad-student wants a big family...

You guys can't tell me that when you look into that picture of Matt Ryan you don't see a man who grew up in the shadow of an older brother. Jerry was the better athlete, Jerry had all the girlfriends, Jerry was the charmer who could roll around in pig poo poo, flash that million dollar smile, and come out smelling like roses. That’s not to say Matt wasn’t a decent athlete or didn’t have any girlfriends, but Jerry was the star player on the high school football team (although “star” is a relative term on a team that won 6 games in 2 years) and Jerry’s wife (then girlfriend) was the prom queen, and how exactly was Matt supposed to compete with that? Matt would say he had the last laugh now that Jerry is a balding, over-weight claims adjuster living in Overland Park Kansas, but Jerry and Cynthia found Jesus and have five kids and Matt is preparing to divorce his wife whom he hasn’t seen naked in over a year so it’s difficult to feel superior. Matt stopped being bitter at Jerry a long time ago anyways. Once they grew up and stopped competing with each other at everything Matt realized that his brother is just like everyone else, trying to do his best and get by day to day. Matt sometimes lies awake at night wondering if his financial success, which he considers moderate but which any sane person would consider substantial, has really bought him anything but heartburn and a failed marriage, but it’s the sort of crisis that doesn’t lead to any meaningful change and is forgotten by the time the alarm goes off and it’s time to hit the river trail. It’s a cold morning and Matt hopes the grad-student doesn’t decide to hit the snooze button.

You misunderstand. It’s not fan fiction. I’m just trying to describe what this picture looks like:

And what it looks like is a man who has been calling his lawyer’s office for the past week and a half and hanging up as soon as the receptionist answers because he feels guilty for beginning this process and blindsiding his wife with divorce papers. But it isn’t really blindsiding is it? Shannon has to know this is coming. She has to. She knows what has been going on for the past five years, or, more to the point, what has not been going on. Hell, she’s probably been seeing someone else behind his back. Who the gently caress knows what goes on all day when he’s at the office? But then again, this is a woman who spends forty-five minutes in the bathroom at a time and he can hear the sobbing through the door on occasion when she forgets to run the sink to drown it out. She still isn’t well and probably never will be, and if he were to serve her and she were to hurt herself he’s not sure he could forgive himself, not to mention the damage that would do to their daughter. So he continues to put it off, and most nights when he gets home from work he parks his Lexus in the driveway and rehearses what he’s going to say when he walks through the door. “Shannon, we both know this isn’t working. It’s not good for either of us to go on this way.” But what if she wants to work things out? He’s well past wanting to try and make it work, but what if she wants to? Could he actually say no to counseling? Wouldn’t that make him a bad person? And as soon as he’s ready to finally say it, he walks in the door and into the bedroom and the master bathroom door is closed and he can hear the sink running. So he changes into his running clothes and heads out to the river trail.

Sorry jefe, it’s June and the Halos are bottom feeders so I feel empty inside.

Matt looks like he feels pretty empty inside, sort of like a man who just had a two hour argument with his wife because she felt “Way too loving fat” to go to dinner at the club with the Applebaums. But he’s tired of making excuses for her, “Oh sorry, Shannon is a bit under the weather,” “Oh sorry, our baby sitter canceled at the last minute,” “Oh sorry, Shannon is feeling way too loving fat to come tonight.” So he begs and pleads and she slams the bathroom door so hard the windows shake. They ride to the club in total silence. He reaches for the radio, but she shifts in her seat and groans so he retracts his hand and curses to himself internally. At the club it’s all handshakes and smiles, though she does manage a subtle glare at him when he orders a double Johnnie Walker Black on the rocks. Janice Applebaum asks if she’d like to share a bottle of wine, and she says “No thank you, I think one of us should remain sober.” Other than that little dig things go smoothly enough, but before they’ve ordered dessert she excuses herself and doesn’t return for twenty or so minutes. She claims to have run into Emilia Parker in the ladies restroom and she just couldn’t get away any sooner, but he notices the hastily reapplied lipstick and he’s sure the Applebaum’s do as well. On the way home he catches a brief whiff of sour breath from her and he almost says something, but before he can she asks if he wouldn’t mind sleeping on the couch tonight because he always wakes her up when he leaves early to head out for a run. As they walk through the door she heads straight into the master bath and shuts the door.

Gets me every time. One of the all-time great TFF posts.

# ? Mar 21, 2022 19:43

Mega64: May 23, 2008; I took the octopath less travelered,

And it made one-eighth the difference.

It's amazing there's twelve teams in the AFC that can make some noise as opposed to like four in the NFC.

# ? Mar 21, 2022 19:43

Harlock: Jan 15, 2006; Tap "A" to drink!!!

Jimmy G is a perfect backup QB for the Niners. A 24m backup.

# ? Mar 21, 2022 19:43

mcmagic: Jul 1, 2004; If you see this avatar while scrolling the succ zone, you have been visited by the mcmagic of shitty lib takes! Good luck and prosperity will come to you, but only if you reply "shut the fuck up mcmagic" to this post!

https://twitter.com/ceeflashpee84/status/1505258634950889477?s=20&t=fC_EKKZblQoJ6hyE120vAw

This didn't age well.

# ? Mar 21, 2022 19:44

Play: Apr 25, 2006; Strong stroll for a mangy stray

Mega64 posted:

It's amazing there's twelve teams in the AFC that can make some noise as opposed to like four in the NFC.

Watch the AFC tear itself apart in a battle of attrition while the two or three good teams in the NFC just cruise into the playoffs and end up winning due to being healthier and fresher

# ? Mar 21, 2022 19:45

Mega64: May 23, 2008; I took the octopath less travelered,

And it made one-eighth the difference.

Play posted:

Watch the AFC tear itself apart in a battle of attrition while the two or three good teams in the NFC just cruise into the playoffs and end up winning due to being healthier and fresher

I'm fully expecting an NFC East team to bumble past one or two of the good NFC teams in the playoffs and win the Super Bowl.

# ? Mar 21, 2022 19:46

Its Rinaldo: Aug 13, 2010; CODS BINCH

Diva Cupcake posted:

Unless the Seahawks are just cool with Drew Lock, I'm sure they're' open for business as well.

A classic Pete Carroll move is to have a very obvious need and time passes and everybody is all "surely they won't just leave it" and more time passes and the season starts and oops yeah they did just leave it. Then they'll do some emergency hole filling mid season and salvage it and everybody will go oooooh look how great this team is at course correction!

# ? Mar 21, 2022 19:53

Android Apocalypse: Apr 28, 2009; The future is
AUTOMATED
and you are
OBSOLETE; Illegal Hen

Mega64 posted:

I'm fully expecting an NFC East team to bumble past one or two of the good NFC teams in the playoffs and win the Super Bowl.

Knowing our luck it will end up being the ~~RedskinsFootball Team~~Commanders.

# ? Mar 21, 2022 19:56

Silly Burrito: Nov 27, 2007; SET A COURSE FOR
THE FLAVOR QUADRANT

fast cars loose anus posted:

good lord 21 million guaranteed for Jameis

That's not bad for two years, especially you see what other QBs are making. Plus we still have flexibility to get a rookie or not. Figured he was coming back, and now it's official.

# ? Mar 21, 2022 19:56

Nervous: Jan 25, 2005; Why, hello, my little slice of pecan pie.

Impossibly Perfect Sphere posted:

It's not clear if the Seahawks as an organization even believe they even need a QB.

Pete Carroll understands that his true allegiance is to the run.

# ? Mar 21, 2022 19:58

Woozie66: Sep 8, 2009; I'll wait for the next era

mcmagic posted:

https://twitter.com/ceeflashpee84/status/1505258634950889477?s=20&t=fC_EKKZblQoJ6hyE120vAw

This didn't age well.

How so? Did he back out or something?

# ? Mar 21, 2022 20:02

Chris James 2: Aug 9, 2012

https://twitter.com/BrandonGowton/status/1505981018456702978

quote:

The interesting part is why Watson was so steadfast in his refusal to come to Philadelphia from start to finish in this entire saga. The principles aren�t going on record anytime soon but the strongly held belief around the league is that Watson�s aversion to the Eagles had to do with his loyalty to Jalen Hurts.

Sources familiar with Watson�s sentiments pointed to the relationship built between the two players in the offseason through the connection of working with the same QB trainer, Quincy Avery.

Chris James 2 posted:

When Ryan retires and the Colts have to get another QB again next year

https://twitter.com/zkeefer/status/1505967112711553031?s=20&t=AXLgAUztBzgHEzqU5dAJ1w

# ? Mar 21, 2022 20:04

ShakeZula: Jun 17, 2003; Nobody move and nobody gets hurt.

I expect the Colts are looking to next year's draft for their potential long-term franchise QB. Maybe the stars will align and they'll be able to have Ryan for a couple of years to be a bridge. If he decides to retire after a year like Phillip then just sign the worst FA you can think of and recreate Suck for Luck.

# ? Mar 21, 2022 20:08

Ragnarok the Red: Jun 21, 2002

Android Apocalypse posted:

Knowing our luck it will end up being the ~~RedskinsFootball Team~~Commanders.

It�ll be the Eagles if anyone. Wentz and Jones aren�t going to pull that off for the Commies or Giants and the Cowboys have been face planting in the playoffs for 26 years now and show no signs of stopping.

# ? Mar 21, 2022 20:09

sharknado slashfic: Jun 24, 2011

Chris James 2 posted:

https://twitter.com/BrandonGowton/status/1505981018456702978

Such a kind, caring young man

# ? Mar 21, 2022 20:15

nikosoft: Dec 17, 2011; ghost in the shell, but somehow much worse; College Slice

If you could somehow surgically remove the tendency to throw two absolutely terrible interceptions per game, Jimmy would be a perfectly serviceable QB.

# ? Mar 21, 2022 20:15

Kalli: Jun 2, 2001

nikosoft posted:

If you could somehow surgically remove the tendency to throw two absolutely terrible interceptions per game, Jimmy would be a perfectly serviceable QB.

Also that thing where he breaks every year.

# ? Mar 21, 2022 20:18

MJeff: Jun 2, 2011; THE LIAR

My feeling on Jimmy G is that a year or two after he goes to another team we're all gonna be like "Wow, Kyle Shanahan is a REALLY good coach."

# ? Mar 21, 2022 20:29

Play: Apr 25, 2006; Strong stroll for a mangy stray

The thing with Jimmy is you feel he's already been on the two best teams for his particular talents: the Patriots and the 49ers. Both those teams do exactly the things he's good at while generally avoiding exactly the things he's bad at. So I think there is a (mostly correct) idea that we have seen Jimmy's peak. And it was pretty decent, but if he goes to a bad team his play will drop off hard.

e:

MJeff posted:

My feeling on Jimmy G is that a year or two after he goes to another team we're all gonna be like "Wow, Kyle Shanahan is a REALLY good coach."

Yeah this, kinda.

# ? Mar 21, 2022 20:29

Silly Burrito: Nov 27, 2007; SET A COURSE FOR
THE FLAVOR QUADRANT

New ATL QB:

https://twitter.com/RapSheet/status/1505991792344326148

# ? Mar 21, 2022 20:39

DariusLikewise: Oct 4, 2008; You wore that on Halloween?

Ches Neckbeard posted:

They're 25mil in the green right now. The cap is fake.

Edit: wait OTC hasn't processed Hooper being cut so they're like 35mil in the green lol

Yes but do you think they want to carry Bakers 18 million all season or save that and spend it elsewhere while they have their rapist QB on the cheap?

# ? Mar 21, 2022 20:41

DariusLikewise: Oct 4, 2008; You wore that on Halloween?

Chris James 2 posted:

https://twitter.com/zkeefer/status/1505967112711553031?s=20&t=AXLgAUztBzgHEzqU5dAJ1w

The Colts deserve the revolving door of QBs after having 2 back to back surefire HOFers and loving it up so bad with the second one. I hope the Packers go through this one Rodgers packs it in.

# ? Mar 21, 2022 20:42

Ches Neckbeard: Dec 3, 2005; You're all garbage, back up the truck BACK IT UP!

DariusLikewise posted:

Yes but do you think they want to carry Bakers 18 million all season or save that and spend it elsewhere while they have their rapist QB on the cheap?

Statement was they can't afford it not that they would to prefer spending it elsewhere. Yeah duh they'd love to be sitting at 50mil in space right now.

# ? Mar 21, 2022 20:43

Forrest on Fire: Nov 23, 2012

MJeff posted:

My feeling on Jimmy G is that a year or two after he goes to another team we're all gonna be like "Wow, Kyle Shanahan is a REALLY good coach."

He's a veteran in a Shannahan offense, the second he plays any other scheme he's going to look measurably worse.

# ? Mar 21, 2022 20:43

DariusLikewise: Oct 4, 2008; You wore that on Halloween?

Ches Neckbeard posted:

Statement was they can't afford it not that they would to prefer spending it elsewhere. Yeah duh they'd love to be sitting at 50mil in space right now.

Sort of the same thing, unless the Browns are so spiteful they will pay him 18 million to hold a clipboard and look sad all season

# ? Mar 21, 2022 20:47

Codependent Poster: Oct 20, 2003

ShakeZula posted:

I expect the Colts are looking to next year's draft for their potential long-term franchise QB. Maybe the stars will align and they'll be able to have Ryan for a couple of years to be a bridge. If he decides to retire after a year like Phillip then just sign the worst FA you can think of and recreate Suck for Luck.

Yeah, at least Ryan will have a couple years and the Colts can see about getting a future QB next year, or just start to tank for Arch Manning when Ryan's done.

# ? Mar 21, 2022 20:52

Shrimpy: May 18, 2004; Sir, I'm going to need to see your ticket.

Guze posted:

Let Cordarralle play QB

https://twitter.com/ceeflashpee84/status/1505965418841886720?s=21

# ? Mar 21, 2022 21:10

FizFashizzle: Mar 30, 2005

Bridge qb

https://twitter.com/massey_evan/status/1505965749642444809?s=21

# ? Mar 21, 2022 21:13

really queer Christmas: Apr 22, 2014

Chris James 2 posted:

https://twitter.com/TomPelissero/status/1505975243143368711?s=20&t=qezCi4g8T6voPhFmtAdwKQ

Oh for fucks sake

# ? Mar 21, 2022 21:16

Diva Cupcake: Aug 15, 2005

I kinda want a Darnold v Baker camp battle.

# ? Mar 21, 2022 21:18

Zurreco: Dec 27, 2004; Cutty approves.

FizFashizzle posted:

Bridge qb

https://twitter.com/massey_evan/status/1505965749642444809?s=21

RIP to both of em, but this might be for the best.

# ? Mar 21, 2022 21:19

TITTIEKISSER69: Mar 19, 2005; SAVE THE BEES
PLANT MORE TREES
CLEAN THE SEAS
KISS TITTIESS

Silly Burrito posted:

The Ryan era ends with a with a third round pick.

https://twitter.com/TomPelissero/status/1505963463222476805

Just a three? Where's the twenty-eight?

# ? Mar 21, 2022 21:23

Woozie66: Sep 8, 2009; I'll wait for the next era

FizFashizzle posted:

Bridge qb

https://twitter.com/massey_evan/status/1505965749642444809?s=21

So they'd have $36 million tied up in two underwhelming QBs. Woof. To be clear, Baker has hit highs Darnold has never come close to. But drat that's a lot of cap.

# ? Mar 21, 2022 21:25