Arsenic Lupin posted:

AITA for bringing my SIL’s wallet to the restaurant when she conveniently always forgets it?

quote:

Will try to keep it short. I never had a serious relationship until now, and, to be honest, I see a lot of red flags in my partner that make me think the relationship is not going to last. However, that doesn't mean I shouldn't be able to date at all, which (I guess?) is what my mom is thinking.

My mom is disabled, older, can't work, and doesn't get much money. I support her financially and help her a lot around the house when she isn't feeling good. She has always been overbearing towards me, because she was underprotective of my sister, who ended up becoming an abusive criminal. My partner lives 1.5 hours away and we see each other once during the week and on Saturdays. On Tuesdays we meet halfway between us and I come home at around 8:30-9pm to go to bed at 10pm, and my mom acts cold to me whenever I come home, constantly making comments about my partner and his behavior (nothing to do with me being gay) implying that he is taking up my time that I should be using to fulfill my responsibilities (which is partially true - he does feel too demanding at times and I'm trying to lessen it). The first time we saw each other, my mom screamed at me for \~20 minutes after I came home because she was worried that my car was going to break down on the side of the road, or that she would have to take our bigger dog out which I usually do at night.

I did have a long talk with my mom and she is worried that my partner is taking away time from me and my responsibilities, and that I'm not thinking properly by getting so involved so quickly. To be honest, I agree with her - he acts kind of controlling - he keeps trying to get me to move closer to him even though it hasn't been that long (which I won't do) and he implied I should get rid of our dog so that seeing him would be easier, which to me is a bit much for someone I just met, but I don't think he is narcissistic/abusive -- he has autism (and so do I) and I think he just doesn't have much of a filter. There isn't any way to know that, though, unless I spend more time with him. I'm having a lot of fun with him and would like to keep seeing him, but it's putting such a strain on the relationship with my mom that it is making my home life stressful. Assisted living for my mom isn't really an option, we can't afford it. We have no other living relatives, so my mom can't live elsewhere either and I wouldn't want to kick my mom out for someone I barely know anyway. I do enjoy her living with me, but I worry about the tension.

She also isn't used to me going out. Like I said, I have autism and my symptoms used to be bad enough that I was too tired to go out on nights or weekends, but they have improved a lot as I've worked on myself. She is worried that I won't know how to navigate the situation if something happens, but I don't think that's true, and it hurts my feelings because it comes out as anger even though I know she is genuinely worried. One time I broke down on the side of the road a few months ago, I let her know I'd be coming home late, and she cried until I got home. I wasn't worried about myself but she was just overly worried about me for some reason.

She relies on me a lot and I do nearly everything for her, so I can imagine how stressful it is for me to be away more. I don't really know how to help her though because I want to be away more often.

I worry in general that my relationship with my mom will be destroyed if I continue seeing my partner, which is unfair. I don't want to abandon my mom for him and don't have any plans of ever doing that, but it's also unfair if my mom is acting like she hates me because I am dating someone she doesn't like and am putting less time into her. I wonder if there is something I can say to her or do that will help her, or if I will just have to let her hate me for a few months until she gets used to it?

**tl;dr: My mom is not used to me going out or being away for extended periods, and relies on me for almost everything. This has led her to be very anxious about me being away longer than usual, which is coming out as her acting angry at me, which hurts my feelings. I worry that she will be this way with me forever and I will have to choose between a good relationship with my mom or a romantic partner, but my gut tells me that she will be a bit better after a while. I do love my mom and am fine with taking care of her as our relationship is normally very good, and wouldn't abandon her for a partner, especially one I just met. Do you have any advice?**

Dazerbeams posted:

This is depressing because even after “this wallet?” OP’s spine crumbled to dust. SIL will be set for life.

hawowanlawow posted:

The SIL literally just running away and leaving the restaurant kinda threw a wrench in the works

Like, you can't really spinally overpower someone with absolutely no shame or conscience

Dazerbeams posted:

This is depressing because even after “this wallet?” OP’s spine crumbled to dust. SIL will be set for life.

quote:

Some answers to common questions

Why does DH keep letting Amy in?

Without getting into too much detail, he has always been expected to pay for nice things for the females in his family. He's also been kind of scammed out of large sums of money by his family. That's slowly been shut down over times, and we're working on shutting down this dinner/outings thing. He allows this because he feels bad that they don't have a lot of money. It's sad, but that's how his family got along for a very long time - being dishonest about anything and everything to get their hands on some extra money or extra financial help. I could write a book on some of the things I've seen them do over the years. It hasn't been easy to show these people how wrong this is. He has talked to Amy about being cheap, has had come-to-jesus talks with her, and genuinely has always felt that each next time would be different.

We've been in therapy addressing this, and he's learned to set boundaries. This restaurant thing is a boundary that he hadn't yet set. It's hard to set all boundaries all at once when you actually had no clue know what boundaries were, and have had no boundaries for years.

Does he pay too?

We are married. My money is his money. When I mentioned Amy speicifies I should pay, I meant more that she specifies since I make good money, we as a whole shouldn't be "cheap."

What was the point if you ended up paying?

I knew Amy wasn't going to pay. She *always* finds a way not to pay. I went to the restaurant fully expecting to foot the bill. I did this because I saw it on a show and thought it would be funny to do IRL, to be completely honest. The point wasn't really to get her to pay, it was more to show her that the "forgot my wallet" excuse was getting old.

Is Amy banned from visiting?

Fortunately, this post turned out to be a good thing. DH has always had it in his head that Amy is a good person and has her reasons for being sneaky and cheap, like I mentioned above. In his head, it's not her fault she is the way she is; it's the circumstances of their upbringing that cause her to make bad decisions. But, seeing Amy's reply to my post and peoples' repsonse to Amy has really changed his thinking. That's the first time Amy has outright admitted that she's purposely taking advantage. Reading some of the other comments has also been eye-opening for him. So, DH has told Amy that she's not welcome here, at least not for a long while.

Judgement

Thanks for lots of NTAs, but I liked one commenter's "Sometimes it's okay to be the rear end." I think that's exactly what it was here. It was an rear end move, but also outweighed by Amy's assholery. Thanks again, this is the end of this, I won't be giving anymore updates or comments.

AreWeDrunkYet posted:

quote:

seeing Amy's reply to my post

quote:

A little back story, when I first started having sex I researched into ways to be better as I was a little stiff and pretty much had no idea what I was doing. I read online that you can play music and match the rhythm in order to put on a better performance.

I searched love making songs and started slowly creating a playlist in which I was comfortable matching the rhythm.

There are a few songs to my playlist, but it’s one song in particular, which actually happens to be my favourite, that my girlfriend hates and say turns her off in a major way.

I don’t understand why it has taken her two years to tell me she hates that song, it’s a good love making song with good rhythm. I feel the way I hosed up is I could have possibly asked her previously if she likes the playlist or any songs she’d like to add/change. But to leave it for two years thinking our sex life is great but in her eyes has been ruined by my music has left the whole situation feeling awkward and I’m a bit annoyed.

I pretty much played this tune every single time so the amount of times she must have not been enjoying it, when I thought the complete opposite is annoying but also embarrassing in ways.

Not to mention my previous partners, however they never complained about the song so maybe it’s just her?

It’s hosed up the relationship tbh because sex feels awkward now. The other day we were having sex with no music but I was still thrusting to the tune playing in my head. She recognised this and asked me to stop.

I thought this song was perfect and I always thrust along with the tune and feel it gives me the perfect rhythm for doing the deed to. I usually bust to this song and find it devastating she hates the song.

Kurieg posted:

Apparently Amy replied but included a bunch of personal information about the OP and her husband so OP got mods to remove it.

DACK FAYDEN posted:

paging that goon who got hosed to Tetris music

Invisible Clergy posted:

The most recent comments on the youtube video all being about this OP is very funny to me.

Invisible Clergy posted:

The most recent comments on the youtube video all being about this OP is very funny to me.

quote:

I (F48) have a son Jack (M19) and a daughter Alyssa (F18) and am married to Tom (M50). Tom is Alyssa's father, but Jack's father is my Ex husband Dan (M 48). Dan and I had a pretty ugly custody fight and he lives in NY while we live in TX. Over the years Dan has unsuccessfully tried to get Jack to move in with him. It wasn't easy to fight him off since he is a very successful lawyer.

Jack is a pretty popular kid in school. His friends on the wrestling team came up with a prank for him to ask a heavily autistic girl who had a crush on him to the prom as a joke and for him to show up wearing a gorilla suit. Jack originally said no, but the wrestling team actually raised a fund which got to be somewhat north of $800 for him to do it and they paid for the gorilla suit. Jack agreed. If it matters, this is very out of character for him.

After the prom, I was looking around on instagram and saw pictures of him in the gorilla suit and was surprised that he didn't take his girlfriend Jess. After reading the comments, I learned what happened. To say I was furious doesn't even do it justice. I woke Jack up as soon as I saw it and screamed at him until my lungs gave out. Then when Tom heard what was going on, he joined in.

Tom and Jack have never gotten along. I can't prove it, but I suspect Jack's father Dan has a hand in that. Jack told Tom "gently caress off, I'm talking to my mother." So, we took away all of Jack's electronics, his phone, and we had paid for a car for his graduation present. Because of his prank and disrespect to Tom, we instead gave it to Alyssa. We also forced him to give us the $800+ and we gave it to his date and made him write a letter of apology. He was also grounded for a month and we cancelled his 18th birthday party.

When Jack's birthday came, there was a knock at the door. It was Dan and he had suit cases. Tom said "What is this? The custody agreement says you don't get him on this birthday?" Dan just looked past Tom and said "Hey kid, I'm here for the jail break." He then pointed at a Mustang and said "Hope you like Fords. You can practice driving your new car on a road trip back to NY. Let's take a detour to NoLa." The two of them were laughing, high fiving and backslapping and they just ignored us as we tried to intervene. The only time Dan acknowledged me was to look me in the eye and say as cold as ice "Checkmate." and for Jack to yell as they were driving off "gently caress off, Tom!"

Since then, Jack has gone totally no contact with me. He talks a little bit to Alyssa and from the little he does tell her, he's doing well and Dan is giving him the royal treatment, bringing him to steak houses, Yankees games, and just giving him outright cash. It has been almost a year and I'm going crazy thinking I've lost my son. So AITA?

Edit: I see there is a little confusion here about whether Alyssa is my bio daughter or step daughter. She is my step daughter. We really have a mother daughter relationship to the point where it doesn't even occur to me to call her my step. At the risk of understatement, Jack never warmed to Tom the same way.

quote:

UPDATE-- I was denied an official update, but a few of you cared enough about all of this to ask me for updates periodically, so here it is.

On the advice of some of the posters, I reached out to Dan to see if he'd be willing to consider brokering peace between me and Jack. About a week later I got a response telling me to meet him and Jack at a cafe in Manhattan. He arranged a 6am flight and put me in a dodgy hotel in probably the most dangerous neighborhood in NYC. I arrived and saw Dan, Jack, Jack's GF Jess and his friend from a past firm Jonathan. I noticed Jess had an engagement ring on her finger.

Jonathan said Jack has a claim against me for stealing the $840 and until that is resolved, I am not to contact him, but to only contact Jonathan. I told Jonathan that's the money his friends paid him for the prank and that I gave to the girl. Jonathan said he was aware of the circumstances, but nonetheless it wasn't my money and under the law, it was a theft and Jack has a legal claim against me. I said don't care if it was against the law, Jack had no right to that money and they can sue me if they wanted. Jack said "You locked me up in my room like a prisoner for a month, took the car bought for me with Dad's child support money, took the money and berated me for hours on end. Unless you're going to give me the car, this is the only thing you can undo. You said you wished we could have handled it better, so here is your chance. Or was that just bullshit lip service?" I told him I was sorry, but I can't do it. Jonathan then gave me a cease and desist letter telling me to not contact Jack and to address all communication to Jonathan.

Then Jack and Jess left and I asked Dan if he could talk for a minute. I asked him if he brought me there to humiliate me, and he said actually no he didn't. He brought me so I could humiliate myself. He'd actually worked very hard to get Jack to the point where he'd be open to talking to me again if I were willing to back down just a little. But since he knew that if I had to choose between my indignation and my own son, that I'd choose my indignation every time just like I did in our marriage.

I asked him why he'd put us all through that. He said it was because a part of him wondered if I'd ever learn to pick love over anger. He bet his future that I wouldn't when he divorced me. So, he had to see for himself how it actually turned out after all these years later. I asked him if Jack was just a pawn in his game. He said no, if I actually would have picked Jack he'd be with me now and there would have been nothing anyone could have done to stop it. But instead, my indignation over a stranger was more important to me than learning to move on with my own son.

I asked him what about the girl? He then said "I hope she'll be a wonderful daughter to you since you lost a son for her." I told her I don't know the girl. So, then he said "sounds like a bad trade" and left. Also, I'm apparently not invited to Jack's wedding.

Kurieg posted:

It's also like... an alarmingly unsexy song? The main tune appears to be played on dying seals.

Invisible Clergy posted:

I cannot imagine what OP was thrusting in time with. The squeaks?

Found an update to a memorable post from a few months ago:

original:
AITA for Punishing my Son Harshly for a Prank on a Vulnerable Person?

update

Foo Diddley posted:

which one, A B or C

ascii genitals posted:

My (20F) girlfriend of two years told me the music that I (25M) play during sex is weird and a major turn off

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KAwyWkksXuo

WoodrowSkillson posted:

my guy just get some industrial songs together if you truly need a music beat to figure out how to bang

quote:

Me (28) and my sister (32) have never really gotten along that well. My parents were divorced and so we never really spent much time together during our childhood. Once we got in our early twenty though that changed and we actually got pretty close. Both of us were in serious relationships and we would always talk about our dream weddings.

Fast forward a few years and my sister was finally getting married to her high school sweetheart, Ive never seen her so happy and I knew this was going to be one of her most cherished moments in life. That was until my dumbass of an ex boyfriend proposed to me at my sisters wedding. Needless to say I had absolutely no idea. I rejected his proposal and ended up leaving him after a few weeks of him showing no signs of him being sorry at all. My sister was rightfully upset with the both of us because in her eyes we had just took away her spotlight on a day she’s been dreaming of for years. I felt so bad that I ended up giving her around half of what she paid for the wedding, a little much I know but when you have your whole family against you, you’ll do anything for things to go back to normal.

It took a couple months but our bond came back and I ended up meeting my now fiancé. Our wedding is in a couple weeks and my sister has been making jokes about announcing her pregnancy at my wedding. At first the jokes were funny and I thought they had no real threat to them but after today it was pretty clear she was not actually joking. My mom called me telling me that my sister said she was going to announce that she was pregnant during the speeches part of our wedding to get back at me for what “I” did during hers. I texted my sister saying that it was completely unfair to not just me but especially to my fiancé and neither of us were to blame for what ex did. She won’t hear me out and I told her if she won’t drop it then she won’t be allowed at my wedding. I guess she’s been crying to all our brothers saying i’m a bitch and a lovely sister for not only ruining her wedding but for not letting her get a tiny bit of revenge.

I get it, it must be hard to have that happen at your wedding but how should it be my fault? I didn’t tell him to do and my now fiancé definitely didn’t either. My dad and brothers said I was being petty and that it was only fair I let her do that considering what happened at hers. My fiancé is on my side though and thinks it best I don’t let her come or at least not come to the reception. I know it might seem a bit unfair for me to not let her get back at me but I didn’t pay the 15k pity money just for her to try to ruin my wedding years later. We are both adults and at this point I think I could be being overdramatic. A pregnancy announcement and a proposal are two very different things but I won’t lie and say it wouldn’t hurt my feelings if she did do that to me.

quote:

I really hope this is the proper way to do an update sorry if it’s not!

So today was my wedding and i’m glad to announce that it went amazing!!! I don’t have much drama to update you on since I’ve just been blocking people in my family who’ve been being mean to me about the situation.

My husband and I ended up uninvited my sister, my father and older brother. We felt it was more important to us to have a fun and non stressful wedding rather than try to please my sister and do some sort of “compromise”. I definitely got a ton of poo poo for it at first since I couldn’t exactly tell everyone in my family why they were uninvited (I didn’t wanna ruin her moment again lol) but when my sister announced her pregnancy a couple days ago I could finally tell them my side and pretty much everyone agreed with my decision.

Sorry I don’t have a super interesting update to give you all but thanks to everyone who gave me advice and made me realize I infact was not an rear end in a top hat and had every right to be upset. Have a great day!

Kurieg posted:

DU
DU FICH
DU FICH MICH

WoodrowSkillson posted:

Buck dich is a love song

ascii genitals posted:

My (20F) girlfriend of two years told me the music that I (25M) play during sex is weird and a major turn off

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KAwyWkksXuo

Invisible Clergy posted:

AITA for not letting my sister announce her pregnancy at my wedding even though I got proposed to at hers?


update

ascii genitals posted:

My (20F) girlfriend of two years told me the music that I (25M) play during sex is weird and a major turn off

I was a little stiff

quote:

Surprised i'm even posting this, but I'm truly confused. I rent a room from the owner of a town house and he regularly reminds me about the importance of cleanliness and my dish that was left out. I now rarely cook just to avoid a confrontation. If no dishes were left out, then there will be a problem about where I put something. A futile effort since there is 0 organization involved. Simply, he will not remember the new spot he put something if I put it away. The kitchen is pretty regularly destroyed with his dirty pots out everywhere, but I feel this weird dynamic of since he owns the house, better to just not argue. My girlfriend lives nearby and we operate there 90% of the time, so gently caress it.

That being said, his cooking antics have began to really bother me. He has the habit of intentionally leaving a dirty pan with burnt crumbs and oil in it, on THE HIGHEST setting on the stove. This results in the grease being burned off into the air. I assume this is so he doesn't have to discard the grease? I cannot think of a reason someone would do this.

As a result, the house is literally filled with a fog of grease. It permeates my room, soaks into my clothes, and just makes our house smell like loving poo poo for days? Like your clothes after eating at a hibachi restaurant. I have turned it off before after my girlfriend exclaimed something was burning, and he got angry that we "ruined the process", but what the gently caress is the process? He can't answer that question and acts like I am an idiot for asking. Our house literally fills with burnt grease smoke bi-weekly. I came home last night to another bout of grease fog.

I get its his house but what the gently caress? Why would someone need to do this twice a week?

Edit: I should add that I have tried to research why someone would do this, and he does not put baking soda, dish soap, or vinegar in the pan. There are no cleaning agents. The food is removed, the stove is turned to high, and he leaves it to be burned off into the air.

ascii genitals posted:

My (20F) girlfriend of two years told me the music that I (25M) play during sex is weird and a major turn off

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KAwyWkksXuo

Captain Hygiene posted:

AITA For asking my roommate to not evaporate dirty grease into his house?

Sorry you got stuck in the middle of his plan to saturate the house with grease and 'accidentally' burn it down for the insurance money, I guess

Guildenstern Mother posted:

I like to think he went down a weird rabbit hole of cast iron care advice and ended up like those goons freezing their denim instead of washing it

moonmazed posted:

wouldn't that really gently caress up your pan?

Captain Hygiene posted:

AITA For asking my roommate to not evaporate dirty grease into his house?

Sorry you got stuck in the middle of his plan to saturate the house with grease and 'accidentally' burn it down for the insurance money, I guess